Session 372 - Into the Arms of Cavemen

Date: 32 April

Moon: Full Moon

Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:

- Randell was a simple generic Level 1 adventurer, on his way to a generic level 1 town with rats in the basement, when he was waylaid by a beautiful level 1 maiden. Their passionate romance ended when he discovered that she was no level 1 maiden, she was a level 99 Vampire Boss! In a fit of panic, and a bit of blind luck, Randell managed to slay her. When you carouse, gain a contact of your sexual preference in this town.
- Randell also had very religious grandparents, whom he loved and respected and was raised by after Jonathon Toast killed his parents. Turns out that Randell's "failed orphan" backstory was because he actually became an orphan very late in life! Double religion bonus.

Events:

--- The Dragon in the Next Room

- Forewarned that there are dragons ahead, the party bother Sydney into reopening the portal to their Safe Space. There is a waft of garlic from the next room, and their thoughts of delicious garlic are tempered by the thought that sometimes poison smells like stuff you aren't expecting. Distantly from another direction, there is the faint echo of Dwarven song.
- Before entering the Safe Space, Sydney wafts a blast of Cloudkill into the next room in the hopes of cheesing the garlicky dragon. Alas, burning eyes can be seen and a booming voice says WHO ATTEMPTS TO POISON DRESSELDRAQ?!?! before Sydney scarpers into the extradimensional flat.

--- The Next Morning
- While everyone else is resting, Randell wakes up fairly early. He nabs a beer from the fridge to feed to Divinity's leg (which is, of course, the cocaine-craving vulture demon XORTHREMIUTH) and nips out into the dungeon to investigate the garlic situation. Breakfast, you know?

- He instead comes face to face with Dresseldraq the Dwimmerdragon, a six-legged wingless dragon carved from gem-encrusted stone. It's quite chatty, at least to Randell, who flatters its gems and asks about the breath. The breath turns to stone, but smells tasty at least. Dresseldraq is here to guard the way down to the city below, and its function was once as a sort of Dwarf-recycler. He will let people past if they have a special brooch that marks people as friends of the city.
- Meanwhile Hagan the Heretic pokes his head out of the door and heads off in the direction of the Dwarven singing from before. Randell takes his leave from the dragon and follows.

--- Dwarves of Ur-Kalladh

- Hagan starts singing yesterday's song, with backing vocals from Randell, and lo! Dwarves emerge! They are armoured in very fancy armour. They're from Ur-Kalladh and here to try to create some Stone Sons from the azoth-enriched stone. Unfortunately the Stone Sons awoke very suddenly and violently and ran off immediately!
- They say that the dragon will let Dwarves past as traditional custodians of the deep city. They also sell Randell some "really crappy" chain armour that is, in fact, rather good. Just worse than theirs.

--- Passing the Dragon

- They head back to the dragon with an idea of how to get past. Randell is mates with the dragon now, so he's cool. Hagan is a Dwarf, likewise cool. Divinity is going to wear Hagan's brooch that lets you through, also cool. Sydney is the problem.
- Luckily Sydney can turn into a cat with the cat-collar ring. Cool!
- Thus the heroes pass by the dragon.

--- And Yet, Dragons.

- The next room also has a dwimmerdragon, but this one simply growls and grunts and looks with hostile intent!
- They flee, finding yet another dragon! This one is less friendly, albeit talkative, and the party flees!
- They run, unheeding of their surroundings, deeper into the dungeon!
- Alas, after a thrilling chase sequence, the dragons catch up to them!

--- Chamber of the Cavemen

- It's a vast chamber, filled with a whole load of cavemen! Ugg ugg, etc!
- Hagan and Divinity prostrate themselves before the lead caveman, who has a big feathered crown.
- Sydney has an idea - activating a backstory ability to... force someone to make a romantic advance.
- The chieftain approaches Sydney amorously, to her disdain. At least he sends away the dragons! They've got a pre-existing relationship it seems.
- The chief is motioning to his crotch, Sydney gets on their knees, and... Sydney reaches forward with the cat-collar ring and turns the chief into a cat!
- Randall tries shooting the silver gun, but alas when everything Sydney was holding got turned to silver it also silverified the propellant! The bullet simply slides out of the chamber!

- There is a brief battle. The chief is killed, along with several other cavemen, and the remainder bow down before the mage Sydney. Minions!

--- The Way Down

- They claim the loot of the Chieftain - a big ol' macuahuitl and some sort of Rod of Unbuckling. It unbinds, unknots, undoes stuff.
- The cavemen tell Sydney of a way down they know of, guarded by a huge statue of a Dwarf. They head there... and the Dwarf bows down before Divinity and her brooch.
- A wall of light blocks the way down. Sydney uses rune bullshit to evade it, and they continue on with the cavemen in tow.

--- A Key

- At the bottom is an ominous black room with white mosaics. Pillars read Bonito, Justitio, and Malito. Each corresponds to murals of good prisoners let go, bad prisoners being killed, thus between simply imprisoned.
- Sydney sends a couple of cavemen out to scout. Randell goes with one group. One opens a door and he sees a mechanical hand lash out and rip the caveman's face clean off, then take off its thumbs! Fuck!
- Randell cautiously looks down the corridor and sees an alcove, past the death door. He bravely walks up to it and a magic mouth demands something in Latin.
- Hagan speaks Latin! Lucky! He turns up and the mouth is asking him to put his hand inside it for verification. With trepidation, he does... and it marks his hand with a stamp and gives him a fat actual key!

- The door behind them opens and... oh fuck oh no... it's some sort of horrible clanking android trying to puppet the caveman's mouth to try and bait Randell in! Its body is a torture rack, its head is an iron maiden head, and its hand are thumbscrews!
- Both flee, Randell up the corridor and Hagan back to the black room.

--- Torture Golems

- Randell tries a door and inside is... gems! Big massive gems! On either side are immobile torture golems.
- Randell, naturally, takes the gems. The golems come to life and attack!

- Divinity busts in to help, hearing the screams, and helps free Randell from the thumb-screwing clutches of the golem! They escape together, discovering that at least the golems are slow in pursuit!

- The golems stop just before reaching the magic mouth.
- Upon seeing that Hagan and his key aren't attacked by the golems, a caveman attempts to get himself a key. Alas! He fails! The torture golems SURGE FORWARD and attack!

- There is an extended battle. The golems are extremely strong, they can wrestle you onto the rack for damage over time, or just thumbscrew you to death with their powerful attacks!
- Cavemen fall left and right!

- Divinity is caught on the rack, but channels holy power into a full-body smite to release herself!

- Hagan holds back, safe with the key, supporting where he can.
- Sydney blasts with magic missiles and is aghast as their cavemen minions fall.
- Randell keeps his distance, already badly hurt by these very contraptions before, attacking only when the opportunity presents itself.
- The torturebots eventually fall, but the party is aghast at their power. This truly is deep dungeon.

--- Stamp the Hands

- Finally, everyone (and the surviving cavemen) get their hands stamped and their keys approved with the help of Sydney's meta-manipulation powers. Safe from torturebots... they hope!
- To prove this, Randell goes into the room opposite his gem room and takes the gems. The torturebots, thankfully, remain immobile!

Total: 11000 exp

Treasure:
- 6 massive gems (15000 exp)

- Rod of Unbuckling
- Huge Macahuitl

- Torturebot fragments
Total: 15000 exp

Enemies:

- A whole bunch of cavemen (200 exp)
- Two torturebots (3000 exp)

Total: 3200 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 166394 (Level up at 288000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 54942 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 6 Battle-Cleric (Fighter 3/ Cleric 3): 54138 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Randell the Vampire Slayer, Level 5 Fighter: 18570 (Level up at 32000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +backstory!

Session 371 - BIG SLUG

Date: 2 April

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:

- Divinity pulled off the greatest prank anybody had ever pulled - pretending to be a boy all the way through school until she revealed the truth at her graduation! Once per session, someone completely believes a vaguely plausible lie.
- Randall has a tragic backstory - his parents were devoured by a horrible airborne monster known only as Jonathon Toast. He's on a quest to destroy Jonathon Toast. Once per session, someone you hurt must tell you the truth.

Events:

--- Sydney's New Flatmate
- Sydney, in a mile-wide circle of destroyed plantlife on normally verdant Venus, is sucked into a portal and deposited back where they started - in front of a horrible demonic vulture person!
- Luckily they've spent their time reading through their (very heavy, pure silver) book of demon names, and knows the the vulture demon is called XORTHREMIUTH. This allows them to make binding deals!
- Sydney makes a binding deal with the demon - live in the extradimensional flat, keep it tidy, and obey one request per month. Unfortunately Sydney mispronounces the demon's name (it's "-uth" not "-us") and now the demon has full access to the flat and no bindings. Hurrah!

--- Past the Seal

- The rest of the party have been waiting in the big hall with the living statue of a psychopomp, and it kindly decides not to obliterate Sydney due to the killing of the vampire which the statue so hated.
- They all troop off to the next floor down, passing the Blood Seal that once blocked the exit.

--- Treasure Cave

- At the bottom of the stairs, gems! Loads of them! They're fairly valuable on their own, and have a strange property where they get melty in your hands. Hagan eats one and hey! It heals!
- They explore a little and find a cave full of... flying rats with beetle wings and one long tooth! Hagan declares these to be sloppily reskinned Stirges and tells everyone to run! It's too slow though, and Divinity gets mobbed by a load of rat-stirges which manage to burrow into her leg hard enough to fracture it!
- Sydney wafts in with a Cloudkill and wipes out almost all of the rat beetles! Divinity heals herself up a bit with godly magic and grabs the sack of gems in the middle of the room. Value!

--- Return to the Flat

- Sydney summons the Safe Space and ushers everyone in to heal up after the rat bites.

- Inside is a VERY coked up vulture demon. He got into the cocaine hearts! Sydney's heart falls.
- Divinity makes a deal with the devil (pronouncing the name right and all). The vulture demon agrees to become her new leg, vulture head poking out of the knee.
- Sydney grudgingly cooks dinner.

--- SLUG

- The next day they exit the flat and wander further. They hear voices and - lo! - it's some Halflings! They're gathered around a corpse tied to a stalagmite.

- They're friendly enough though. Randall loots the corpse, then peeks into the next area. There's a HUGE slug with a big green pustule on its face, which pops to spit acid! Also a hole dubbed the New Greasy Tube. The acid damage is no joke - 6d8 damage!
- Randall sprints through the room into another chamber. He's nearly killed by Piercers, but escapes!
- Sydney impresses the Halflings by using a Beam Fire glyph, but when they're distracted the Halflings attack! What a shocker! They leap onto Sydney and Divinity's backs and try to mind wrestle them into submission!
- Worse, the slug teleports! What the hell! It's also branded with the symbol of Terms Termax!
- They attempt to shake off the Halflings. Randall runs for the New Greasy Tube, seeing a bunch of bones in a sort of cool ossuary formation down the passage that the slug came from. He slides down and finds himself in a sort of hotel lobby! A stone Dwarf lady polishes stoneware.
- The others follow, Sydney stopping briefly to Magic Missile the Halflings to death with a snap of the fingers.

--- Friendly Bartender

- When Sydney arrives sweaty and shaking, the others are already at the bar. They're talking to the bartender.
- They discover that the Slug was an experiment in immortality by Terms Termax, that the passages tend to loop back around, and the way down has "Dwimmerdragons" in the way.

- Eris is indeed imprisoned below in THE GOD PRISON. Below that is the "Old City" but the bartender doesn't know much beyond that.
- Sydney wants this room, so casts Stolen Sanctum! It works... but anybody who comes into this room of the flat must fight the bartender first before she'll make you a drink!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:

- 18 healing gems (180 exp)
- 3 bloodstones (1500 exp)
- 3 sardonyx (150 exp)
Total: 1830 exp

Kills:

- A couple of "innocent" Halflings. (200 exp)
Total: 200 exp

Exp Total:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 159094 (Level up at 288000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 47642 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 6 Battle-Cleric (Fighter 3/ Cleric 3): 46838 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Randall the Vampire Slayer, Level 4 Fighter: 11270 (Level up at 16000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +Backstory!

Session 370 - Vampires, Vultures and Venus

Date: 26 March

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: Oberon

New Characters:

- Verling Dingo the Venerable, a wizard so old (486 years old in fact) that he forgot all his experience. His familiar, a vulture, circled ominously overhead. He wielded a stuffed cat.

Events:

--- Loot the Room!

- After last session's late-run battle against the vampire babes, we return to Divinity and Sydney in the grand curtain-lined hall in the depths of Dwimmermount. Kill the boss vampire and they can get past the Blood Seal to the lower level.
- Arriving in the room, out of breath, is a stranger! This is Verling Dingo, a wizened old wizard, come to join the party after hearing of their heroic deeds.
- Conveniently for Verling, the treasure from last time is unlooted!
- The others throw aside the curtains and stake the hearts of the vampire babes as they recover in their coffins. Beneath each is a blade.
- One, shaped like a rat's head, is the Ratman's Edge. The other, formed of pitted steel, is the Sword of Ages. Both are claimed!
- In the vampire lord's coffin is... a body! It resists staking because on closer inspection it's a hollow statue made of sapphire. It also has breathing holes in the nose (Verling stuffs them with stuffed cat fur) and behind it in the wall is a grille - the vampire must have escaped again!

- Sydney summons the Safe Space and loads it up with loot - coffins, big red curtains, sapphire statue. They all rest, despite knowing this means the vampire will probably have respawned by morning.

--- Divinity Divines the Way

- In the morning Sydney goes to their Red Elf Heart collection and scarfs one down to enable another round of rebirth. The hearts are also made of pure cocaine, so Sydney is alert and AMPED!
- They head around the hall, hoping to find wherever the grille leads. They warn Verling that the statues around here can and will laser Chaotic beings such as they. Divinity, Lawful by aura, heads to the empyreal God to re-up her blessing and ask some questions.
- It seems that the only way to easily permanently kill the vampire is to bring it into this room. The psychopomp's sheer Lawful aura will turn it to ash!
- The God grants Divinity its anti-undead aura again, and reminds her that it can restore level drain once a week in case the vampire does bite her.

--- Verling the Venerable's Vivisection

- Divinity rejoins the party to see Sydney with massive pupils babbling about a business venture. Verling takes the lead into the next room for some reason.
- It's a guardhouse. There are cells (one of which contains a Halfling) and several zombies, naked other than roman helmets, sitting around the place. Two are behind a counter, another two are staring at cards like they were playing a card game.
- The zombies suddenly look up, eyes flashing red! They speak and demand to know who goes there!
- The Halfling in the cell introduces herself as Merry Proudfoot and says she's hiding from them in the cell. They've eaten brains and are now Ravenous, which means they've got about ten minutes to eat another brain if they want to retain consciousness.
- Verling turns back to the zombies and THEY'RE ON HIM! His throat is torn out instantly, and as the vital lifeblood of his 486 year old body pours onto the floor he feels claws start to prise his head open.
- His vulture familiar erupts into its original demon form! It's a horrible floating squid, spores glisten from its rubbery pores! The zombies let go of the corpse and face this new foe!
- Divinity charges in with her great-axe to avenge the old man, while Sydney casts Magic Missile and... something goes wrong. The spell goes awry! The magic slips out of their grip and everything they own turns to pure silver! Sydney cannot move easily, the thick silver foil of their robes limiting mobility.

- Divinity fumbles against a zombie, sending her axe spinning away across the floor. She unsheathes the Sword of Ages... what does it even do? She tries it out and discovers it does more damage the older they are, and these zombies are very old indeed! Zombies fall to the Sword of Ages.

--- Brief Thief

- But what's this? Another new character so soon? Jumping from under the covers in a seemingly empty cell, a "generic Thief" type jumps forth! He charges into a zombie, sending both flying behind the counter, barely avoiding a ballista bolt fired from Sydney's Sudden Siege Engine!
- The ballista bursts the squid demon and one of the zombies, thudding into the wall behind.
- The final zombie cracks open the Thief's head, devours the brain, and absconds. Battle over!

--- Vultures, Vampires, and Venus

- Rolling out from under the counter where he'd been hiding is another new character! His name is Randall and Merry the Halfling informs him that they were part of the same party. He doesn't remember this, but he does have a sore spot on the back of his neck so maybe she's telling the truth?
- He also believes this to be a "level 2 dungeon" whatever that means, since he can't remember past the entrance.
- In any case, Merry Proudfoot joins the party too.
- They all head out into the corridor and hey! It's the other end of the grille! They peek round a corner and see the zombie that just absconded talking to a giant vulture monster that can only say "SCREEAWWW".
- Sydney Siege Engines them, and the ballista hits the pillar behind them... revealing that the pillar is hollow! Within is a coffin standing sarcophagus-style! The bolt bumps against the coffin but doesn't go through.
- More fast zombies are in there too, and they swiftly run away.
- The Vulture Demon flies at them, and the zombies who ran away were actually flanking! They burst in from another direction, and Sydney unleashes another Siege Engine... but the spell goes awry again! There is a flash of green and a whiff of vegetation and... Sydney is gone.

--- Elsewhere

- Sydney emerges in a strange alien forest, under a strange alien sky. A weird reticulated plant creature approaches and threatens. It says that this is Venus, and they kill all intruders.
- Sydney grins. Finally, a use for the spell they swore they could never use. The spell that kills all natural plantlife within a mile. Sydney waves their arms and casts the Blight.

--- Desperate Slayer

- It's Divinity and Randall against the world. Fast zombies from one side, barely fended off by Divinity. A vulture demon from the other, striking with beak and claws and razor wings.
- The vulture demon forces them to boast or suffer the consequences! Divinity resists at first, then acquiesces. Her pride sustains the monster. She swipes at it with a Smite, but it dodges back! Its counterattack fails, though, and it stumbles to the ground!
- Randall runs past as zombies rake at Divinity, sprinting straight for the ballista bolt that is inches from the vampire's coffin!
- He jumps, feet coming together to land a perfect spear-kick on the ballista bolt!
- It thuds home, cracking straight through the coffin and into the vampire's heart! There is a great scream, and a distant detonation!
- Divinity hears this and makes a fighting retreat, joining Randall on his sprint away from the zombies and the demon. They skid through the guardroom, past Merry who has now re-locked herself in the prison cell, and collapse into the safety of the Empyreal God's room!
- He feels the vampires death and thanks them profusely. Finally, his most annoying enemy has been defeated! He thanks Randall specifically - naming him Randall the Vampire Slayer.

--- Soon...?

- Sydney is surrounded by brown and withered vegetation. The alien stars burn bright. A portal reopens behind them, back to the lair of the vulture demon.
- Sydney believes that Venus is about a mile across. The planet must be dead. They turn to the portal, grin, and leave to a different fate.

Total: 9000 exp

Treasures Looted:
- Sapphire Statue (10 000 exp)
- 1000 copper coins (100 exp)
- Sword of Ages
- Ratman's Edge

Total: 10100 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Several ravenous zombies (100 exp)

- A vampire lord (finished off)

- The planet Venus (?)

Total: 100 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 154107 (Level up at 288000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 6 Battle-Cleric: 41951 (Level up at 72000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Min Faith! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

- Tom / Randall the Vampire Slayer, Level 3 Fighter: 6383 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

Session 369 - Piercing the Blood Seal

Date: 19 March

Moon: Waxing Gibbous

Zenith: Eris

New Backstory:

- Whenever people disregard Sydney's advice it always leads to trouble... according to Sydney at least. Get a reroll against the consequences of someone disregarding your advice.

- Divinity's grandfather told her the secret that shattered her world on his deathbed... he never truly believed. A death bed un-confession. +1 Wisdom.
- Hagan the Heretic was being mocked by others for his worship of the Old Miner, and to prove his faith he walked into a furnace and emerged unscathed! +1 Strength.

Events:

--- Chased by a Table

- Sprinting down the stairs, followed by a rolling round table that is on fire and only gaining speed, our heroes are in a bit of trouble!

- They aren't fast enough, and the table's alchemical reagents smash everywhere! Hagan is stunned, Divinity gains Clairaudience, Sydney suddenly gains the ability to empathise! Sydney also realises something odd... their slime familiar is missing.
- The remains of the table shatter against the far wall. The wall itself is strangely smooth cavern stone. More importantly... a blob filled with bones!

--- Familiar Face

- The ooze begins spitting out skeletons... and there's worse. Mysterious ominous laughter, following them down from above!
- As they fight back against the skeletons the source of the laughter appears - it's Sydney's familiar in demon-form! A faceless mouth of slime wreathed in smoke, creating water from the air! It mutated when Sydney died and came back! It screams "you die yet you live! You die yet you live!".
- Hagan, still paralyzed, is tossed into the cart and Divinity is off and running. Sydney hangs off the back, trying to negotiate with the demon-familiar! Good thing they got that book of all demon names, since having a demon's true name lets you make binding deals!
- After much negotiation, the demon agrees to return to being Sydney's familiar... but when Sydney's soul returns to chaos they will switch roles and Sydney must obey the demon! To Sydney's immense disappointment, the demon returns back into being a blob.
- With that out of the way they make fairly short work of the undead ooze.

--- Sigil Time

- They explore now that there's less excitement. Hagan finds a cool brooch under a pile of bones, which makes him go partially invisible near walls! Nice one.
- Further they discover the stairs down! Amazing! There is however some sort of floating sigil in front of it. Sydney ascertains that this is a "Blood Seal" which is impermeable to blood. It looks like someone tried to get through it on the other side and got exploded.
- Sydney's ooze is sent to investigate and returns declaring "vast treasure" is below. The team don't particularly trust the ooze.

- Divinity calls forth the miracle of Augury, allowing her to talk to the God who is overhead today. But wait... it's Eris this week! Will anybody pick up?

- Something does... it has a scratchy voice and says that Blood Seals are tied to blood drinkers. A vampire must let you through.
- Divinity has another question - who are you? Eris claims to be called many names. Eris, the Source... the Old Miner!
- Hagan is taken aback. Could this be??? His God and Eris are one and the same?

--- Ye Olde Vampire

- The party consider nibbling their way round the blood seal, since Hagan can eat rocks and all. Sydney starts drawing a Change-Air rune.
- Green gas starts slipping through the cracks in the door. A vampire is here!
- Unfortunately for the vampire it gets ganged up on and destroyed in short order. Divinity wipes Null Paint on its face to remove its fangs and head, Sydney is resistant to teeth and claws, and Hagan is just tenacious.
Divinity smites it and it explodes back into gas and flees.
- Double unfortunately for the vampire, Hagan knows how to find things he's lost. They follow his lostness-sense towards the vampire so they can kill it for good! Guess he's a good vampire hunter after all!

--- Crystal Eyes
- On the way to the vampire they poke their heads into a cave and see... a black ooze! Not this again!
- Sydney steals the room, transporting it to their sanctum. The only downside is that the room extends out into a prehistoric jungle, bringing up the possibility that their flat is now dino-infested. Ah well!

- Continuing on, they find their way to a hall with crystal-eyed statues. They're fine with Hagan and Divinity... but Sydney has to dive behind the cart to avoid their laser eyes! The cart explodes!
- They seem to seek Chaotic beings, so how did that vampire even get through? Sydney feels very victimised.
- They turn a corner and... more crystal eye statues. Ah well, better take the door.
- Inside is a large hall. The centre of the room is a descending helix of spiral stairs. At the bottom is a big version of the statues, calling itself an Imperial God - a psychopomp who guides the Dead to the afterlife. It destroys the Undead who enter here.
- Divinity and Hagan descend to receive a blessing against the Undead. The Imperial God is ultra-impressed that Divinity is canonically from Rome, since it is of the Romans.

--- Perfunctory Vampire Battle

- They wander on, and Hagan's dwarven stone-sense tells them that there's a secret door!
- They break through, and find themselves in a grand chamber lined with silk curtains. In a pool there are two vampire ladies making out! They attack!
- Despite my protestations they force me to run a fight. I am however quite tired so it is a boring battle.  It was cool when a spell went wrong and made them start vomiting out silver coins, because it meant their regen stopped working for long enough to kill them. The party win after a while though they are nearly dead by the end of it.
- We swiftly leave the pub. It is assumed that the vampires were killed in their coffins and everyone went to Sydney's dinosaur-infested flat.

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure Found:

- 48 obols in trinkets (48 exp)

Total: 48 exp

Enemies defeated:

- A rogue familiar, re-bound (100 exp)
- Blob with skeletons in it (500 exp)
- A vampire (1000 exp)
- Two lady vampires (1500 exp)

Total: 3100 exp

Exp Calc:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 147724 (Level up at 288000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 42755 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 5 Battle-Cleric: 35568 (Level up at 36000)

Session 368 - Sydney Undying

Date: 5 March

Moon: Waning Crescent

Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:

- Hagan the Heretic pissed off a vampire by acting like a vampire hunter! Alas, he had to kill the vampire anyway. At will, cause a creature to prioritise you.

- Divinity adopted the stray dog she now brings with her everywhere! Pet beasts cannot break morale.

Events:

--- Ancient Grains

- Our heroes are deep inside Dwimmermount beholding the great pile of loot they won last session. Job well done! Divinity's dog Giuseppi sniffs around their feet.
- Sydney's prime directive is to seize this room with their new spell - Sydney's Stolen Sanctum - and add it to their extradimensional flat.

- But first they check out the next room. It's a supply room! Barrels of old flat beer, but also crates of ancient grain!

- Hagan needs to get blackout drunk to unlock a lorebond inside his Dwarven soul, so heaves a barrel of beer and guzzles it with gusto. Within minutes he now absolutely wasted. Look at that Dwarf metabolism go!!
- Sydney and Divinity roll the barrels and crates into the treasure hall, then they leave so Sydney can steal the place!

--- Black Ooze

- Sydney casts and... the room is NOT stolen. Instead the contents quadruple in size! Those are some big coins and some massive millet!
- To safely cast again Sydney needs to meditate for a bit. Luckily the next room is a sitting room, it's even got a fireplace. They settle into comfy chairs and Sydney starts rerouting Chaos in their head.

- Divinity takes the opportunity to root around the room, finding some scrolls! Hagan takes the opportunity to blearily stare at the ceiling. Giuseppi the dog takes the opportunity to curl up by the fire.
- Before Sydney can clinch the spell, the door bursts open! Outside, squelching in, is some sort of darkened glop. Divinity sees it and jumps off her chair. Hagan turns in his chair and shrieks! That's a Black Pudding!

- The shriek draws its attention and it pummels him, rotting his armour. Sydney gets slapped too, silver suit melting away at its touch! That's no good!
- Thinking quickly, Sydney fast-casts Stolen Sanctum. They're all teleported to the flat, including the ooze!

- They flee into the flat, Divinity heading straight for Jojo's old room. Inside she finds exactly what she after - a bead.

- She returns in time to see the Black Pudding digest a coatrack and chucks the bead straight at it! Dead hit! The Black Pudding vanishes!

--- Least Relaxing Yoga Retreat Ever

- Somewhere in the Wheatlands the Black Pudding emerges from an identical bead in the middle of Jojo's yoga class.
- On the plus side, dead people can't ask for refunds.

--- But I Always Lock That Door!

- Back in the extradimensional flat, they've discovered that somehow Giuseppe got into Sydney's bedroom and peed on everything. 

- At least there's a kitchen to use! Sydney cooks and calls the dish CaGeOl - it's Worm, Millet, Ale, Deep One, Wine. It's actually pretty tasty!

- Hagen reads his book, The Nature of Pre-Birth, over the evening. Apparently the nature of pre-birth is to be a quasi-soul in a world of pure contentment.

--- Strange Visions

- The next day, Sydney goes and finally finally manages to actually steal that treasure hall. It's zero gravity in there, plus enormous. Oh yea it's blitzball time.

- They catch up with the others who have found a ratman leaving a toilet. He seems nice enough, but heavily mercury poisoned.
- They continue and find stairs down! Alas, only a short set of stairs.

- At an intersection they inspect their options - one direction has a high-pitched whine, the other has a sweet mural of Terms Termax holding a lantern as demons cavort and wail before him.

- Sweet mural it is! There are even mysterious red-lensed glasses. Put them on and the mural animates, demon's souls swirl in multicoloured traceries into his lantern. It's beautiful, captivating...
- Hagen's too hungover for this so takes off the glasses. Divinity is not so lucky, gawping at the colours. Literally entranced. Hagen puts them back on and sees... understanding! He can now identify demon powers!
- They put Jojo on the cart while she's zonked out and continue, passing by the corpse (or maybe shed shell?) of a large stag beetle. There are whining voices ahead! Time to see who they are.

--- Mosquito Men!

- In the room are squat little men with big noses so thin and pointy they're like mosquitoes! They're grumbling to themselves about something or other. They say they'll be nice and only take one life from the party - they've got to at least show they've done some work for their master - Buzzlebreb the Boozler.
- Negotiations break down. Good thing Hagen now has a demon-sense. These are offcuts of a Sloth Demon and they teleport on miss!

- Sydney starts to cast Sudden Siege Engine and the others charge into battle! They keep missing and the little demons keep teleporting! Giuseppe the dog is murdered by mosquito nose, dog-soul sucked into the demon's mouth.
- Hagan gets hit by a crit and is blasted down the nearby stairs, rolling to a stop in the next room - some kind of alchemists' lab.

--- Sydney Sundered
- Several come for Sydney, knocking the spell, causing a Chaos Burst that makes them unable to speak.
- Then swiftly, mercilessly, they tear Sydney to shreds.

--- Sydney Returned!

- But what's this? A flash of light, a whiff of cocaine! Sydney is... back?!
- They're covered in loose flesh like a wolverine. The cocaine heart of a Red Elf has revived them!
- The demon mosquito men rear back in shock. Another demon? But how??
- The demons retreat, buzzing through the air to report all this to their master. They take the dog's soul with them as a final cruelty.

--- Alchemy

- Divinity, somewhat shellshocked, follows the now mutated Sydney down to the alchemist lab.
- There's a big table, various reagents, and a big stone head of Terms Termax in a sort of altar-alcove. Also, proper stairs down!

- The head demands reagents and Hagen discovers it's a potion maker! He puts some random alchemical reagants on a big spoon, it snorts it up, and the timepiece on its neck starts ticking down!

--- Fire in the Hole

- While that's going, some big stag beetles attack from the stairwell! Compared to the mosquito guys these little dudes are easy. A vial of acid from Divinity weakens their carapaces, a magic missile blast from Sydney hurts them badly, and they are soon dead.
- They hear a groan of satisfaction from behind them. The head has finished brewing the potion! It's even labelled - a Potion of Hope.
- It's such a cool room, Sydney just HAS to have it! They cast Stolen Sanctum and... BOOM!
- The contents of the room are ejected and on fire! The massive round table blasts over the top of the stairs, rolling on its side!
- Record Scratch. Freeze Frame. We end the session wondering how they get into this situation!

Total: 11000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- A Black Pudding, technically (1000 exp)
- Stag beetles, handily (200 exp)
Total: 1200 exp

Treasures Seized:

- Millet (embiggened)
- Flat old beer (embiggened)
- Scroll #690 - Word Salad
- Scroll #6115 - Absorb Potion
- Scroll #6153
- Potion #2121 - Potion of Hope

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 144341 (Level up at 288000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 39372 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 5 Battle-Cleric: 32185 (Level up at 36000)

Session 367 - Treasure Haul ULTIMATE

Date: 27 February

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: Eris

Events:

--- Return to Battle

- We return in the midst of battle! Our heroes fight a purple-skinned and purple-wrapped Roman mummy and his zombie horde deep in the depths of Dwimmermount!

- Aximander cuts his elven flesh and bleeds, using his elven blood to blast fire at the mummified Velosianus!

- Ashen, he falls to his knees and pleads in Latin for his life. He waves the Roman zombies back into their chamber. Just let me live!

- The party give him a stay of execution and question him. He's guarding the treasure room nearby, which contains vast riches and also magic items. One is the Aeon Shield, a scutum which when broken transports you and your attacker to the past for a time. The other is the Last Chance Ring, which sends you and anybody dying nearby to an afterlife that may let you return.
- When asked by Hagen, he also says that the Old Miner is below Dwimmermount. It was sealed in a city deep below, inaccessible until the end times quaked the world. The Old Miner was copied to make Gods.

- Finally, he reveals that "Ave Theodosian" before entering a solarium will turn off the teleportation maze.

- They clear out the treasure room. The Aeon Shield has a sort of digital clock design, the Last Chance Ring has a sort of "Mewtwo face" whatever that means in the old tongue.
- Hagen leaves a silver piece and gives Velosianus his address, in case there's a functional mail system or something.
- They also take the ball of zombified Romans, just in case?

--- Moving Along

- Sydney tests "Ave Theodosian" on the teleportation maze and... it works!

- They settle down to eat some food, hurt quite badly by the fight. In the dark they see a corpse that looks just like Divinity! But at the touch of torchlight it collapses...
- They eat some more from Aximander's tupperware while Divinity remains on guard. But what's that? Two Divinities?! One guarding each side of the camp??

--- Doppelganger Chaos!

- Divinity casts Bless to prove that she's the real one.. and the other Divinity splits into three! They attack, two at Divinity and one at Hagen, shapeshifting into their target to make it hard to tell who's who!
- Aximander can use his magic-sense to tell the fakes apart, striking at a clone and marking it permanently with fire! Divinity follows up, splatting it to paste!
- Hagen is doing terribly against his copy, fumbling and faceplanting. Thankfully Aximander is there once more! He destroys the doppelganger with a mighty blow from his flame-beam sword!
- Sydney tries to help by casting Annihilate Superego at the remaining false Divinity... but hits the real one! Divinity's superego is annihilated, all bonds of humanity shattered and ego now fueled solely by the base desires of the id. This will continue for 70 minutes.
- Divinity destroys her remaining doppelganger, and turns, eyes glowing with white fire, to attack Sydney!

- The mighty blow knocks Sydney out instantly. who collapses to the ground, slumped and bloody.

- The others turn and persuade Divinity that going up to the pub will be a great idea! Id-led Divinity thinks this is a brilliant idea, and leads the way back to the lift while the others grab some loot before following with Sydney's unconscious body.

- Up top, Divinity goes straight to the bar to dissociate while the others take Sydney to the medic called Daniel Chirurgeon. He puts leeches all over Sydney's face. Fine. Everyone has a splendid sleep that night, even Sydney.

--- Concerning Jonathon Toast Developments

- In the morning they hear Jonathon Toast yelling, "They're here! These red bastards are here! Join me in fisticuffs!"
- The party sally forth, and see the huge meat-airship fighting off Red Elves in their bubble-crafts!
- Jonathon Toast is keeping them at bay easily. The concerning part is that he's clearly evolving. There's a clear sense that he's going to hold them off... but the more he fights, the stronger he gets.

--- Let's Make This Quick!

- The party speedrun through the level, katamari-ing the zombie ball before them, negating the teleportation maze as they go, until they reach the hangar doors at the end of the straight. They listen and hear fizzing... and terrified discussion of Jonathon Toast.

- Aximander casts Guiding Lights and asks them to find their way to "religious awe". Good one! They drift away from the hangar door and to a side exit. The party follows.
- Inside they find... a reading room! The lights continue to the next door, but the party stops to find some books. How did POWERLAD novels get down here?
- They continue, going through an empty room containing only clinking chains and a breeze, and follow the lights to another door. Whatever's behind it sounds like a modem.
- Inside are ratmen worshipping a big square box on a big square dais. The Guiding Lights wink out. It scratchily declares itself Alaunus Version Five but can't say much more. Divinity falls to her knees and prays.
- Via some cheeky Meta-Manipulation from Sydney, Divinity fixes the machine! It can now talk to them! They want to keep going though, so they leave it behind for now. As they leave, the God-bot gives them his blessing: +2 to melee attacks.

--- Mercurial Madness

- There are stairs down from this room, and at the bottom they find some ratmen! These are somewhat mutated, maybe even a little vampiric? In any case, friendly!
- They apparently love to drink the mercury pool nearby. Thing is, they can't leave or they die.
- The party try to sneak around the pool but - alas! - it comes alive! A tendril of ooze slaps into Aximander, creeping under his silver suit! With a metamanipulated wrestle, he throws it off!

- They plop the zombie ball onto the mercury monster and move on swiftly.

--- Treasure If You Fink Your Ard Enuff

- They come across writing on the floor and an arrow, pointing to a door. It says "treasure if you think you can take it".
- Aximander can take it! He busts in and sees an alarmingly large pile of treasure!
- The treasure spirals up and out into... A WORM! A big treasure worm! Its critical bite is warped by Sydney into a miss! Sydney, for their part, runs back to get the zombie ball.

- The others hold the line as more worm-heads emerge from the treasure pile. Aximander crits, throws a head back, while Hagan pins two to a wall.
- A worm-strike fractures Aximander's leg!
- He falls, Divinity heals him, and he casts a spell... alas it's a CHAOS BURST!
- A Realm Tear opens up... it's Zero G in here!

- Despite the setbacks, they slaughter the worms and loot their dripping corpse, coins and worm-blood splattering through the air with consistent momentum until they ping off walls.
- There is so much money in here. They were ard enuff after all!
- All Mana gone, the Elf-Soul Aximander is quiescent and Julian emerges once more. In a deep dungeon. Surrounded by treasure. Awful burning pain in his leg. Aximander did this on purpose.

- They field-dress the worm for food and leave Julian to drag himself and the money up to safety (since his player is going to be away for 8 weeks) before continuing on into the unknown...

Total: 8000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- Roman Mummy Velosianus (750 exp)

- Some shapeshifters (300 exp)

- Mercury Ooze (250 exp)
- Treasure Worm (1000 exp)
Total: 2300 exp

Treasure Looted:

- 16000 silver Roman coins (16000 exp)

- 1300 gold Roman coins (65000 exp)

- Aeon Shield

- Last Chance Ring

- Vial of Acid

- Holy Symbol of Eris (100 exp)
- Vial of Spices (2 charges, +4 tasty)

- 30 worm rations (30 exp)

Total: 81130 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 140174 (Level up at 144000)

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 7 Languid Wastrel: 79270 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Mana!+Free Spell! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 35205 (Level up at 64000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 5 Battle-Cleric: 28018 (Level up at 36000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Min Faith! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Min Faith! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

Session 366 - Brogi Gets Burnt

Date: 20 February

Moon: Waxing Gibbous

Zenith: The Allfather

New Character:

- Andreas (?), Divinity's pot plant that has somehow gained sentience as a Brackling, also survived the poison as a Punishment Glutton in New Moondin. Clash in backstory explained by unreliable narrator.

New Backstory:

- Divinity got in a fight with their potted plant, despite their friend trying to stop them. Once ever, an unidentified NPC here is your long-lost friend! Your choice if you've forgiven each other or not.

- Hagen, despite having been entored by Vampdromeda, is no true vampire. Instead he is a poorly built dwarven Stone Son! He was cast out because he does not have the right kind of blood. On death, summon That Which Should Not Be.

Events:

--- DM Doom
- The DM forgets his keys at work and has to cycle back to get them.

- My Bowels!

- Brogi is in pain. His bowels are extremely tight. This gut-based venereal disease an only be solved by grabbing some olive slime and bringing it to the chirurgeon.
- Ancient maps are revealed - Carter has an accurate map tracing the way from the elevator to the mountain's launch pad!
- They go up to level zero and discover the remnants of the angels. More importantly they see a load of weird plants. It's fine though, so they continue on.
- After several turns, a smell of olives! Could this be the olive slime?
- They open the door, see olive slime on floor, and oh no little spores. Brogi is playing his sphincter like a very small trumpet and good god do these mushroom men love the smell.
- Mushroom guys seem friendly yet attack - alas!
- Brogi gets mycelial tendrils all across his body but very specifically they do not penetrate him. It's not that kind of game.

- It transpires that killing mushroom men causes them to slowly respawn in the mycelium. Fine.
- During the combat, Aximander fireballs the fuck out of the mushroom men then takes a big glob of olive gunk and retreats.
- Brogi, set  alight by Aximander's pyroclastic attack, decides to run in and kill the last mushroom man. It works! Alas, his skin burns off.

--- Please Give Me Skin

- Olive slime in hand, the crew return to the safety of the first level. The chirurgeon says he can salve the butt stuff, but can't replace skin. Again, alas.
- Luckily Jonathon Toast (a normal guy) is here! He picks up Brogi in one massive hand and conveys him to the medical level. Brogi is to have his skin replaced. In the mean time, a plant occurs.

--- Return to the Lower Floor

- The goal remains the same - go deep, find a god, launch it into orbit.

- They take the recently cleared lift. Divinity, beset by a bit of fungal infection, smites it out of her system.
- They exit the lift onto the fourth floor, as low as they can go, and explore.
- Behind a door they find a room with four pillars - two white and two black. Messing with them they discover that they can make blinding white ambient light, pitch blackness, and a strobe. The next room, when lit properly, has a whole list of Roman Emperor names ending at Theodosius. Interesting? Perhaps.
- They all meet a trustworthy plant who collapses out of a terrarium. It's Divinity's pot  plant given shape and form and mind! Somehow! 

--- Dead Emperor

- They continue down the long corridor and try another door. Behind this is a purple-robed and purple-skinned man on an altar. Other rooms branch forth.
- The figure arises! He speaks Latin! Luckily at least two people were public schooled enough to know Latin, Hagan among them! Hagan speaks to him... and is told that his God the Old Miner is a BEAST who created the Dwarves! Hagan is pissed off and attacks!
- The purple man declares himself  to be Velusian and his visage is fearsome! Fearsome enough that several people flee the room! He than moves to strangulate those who remain!

- Worse, he summons zombie legionnaires! They stride out of a side room, hands reaching for necks!
- It transpires that Velusian is immune to mundane weapons, and battle is joined!

- Sydney blasts their Sudden Siege Engine spell down the line of zombie legionaries and kills almost all of them! Velusian attacks with vengeance in his eyes. Alas, Sydney cannot cast spells while being choked by a purple mummy.
- Combat continues. There is GOOD LOOT in the attached chamber, but it is also guarded by further bastards.
- We break for time. The pub is closing. Next time we shall discover whether anyone survives.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:
- Mushroom Friends, slain (400 exp)

- Lots of zombies, kebabbed (200 exp)

Total: 600 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 119791 (Level up at 144000)

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 58887 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 14822 (Level up at 16000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 3 Battle-Cleric: 7635 (Level up at 9000)

- Tom / Andreas, Level 1 Brackling: 1420 (Level up at 2000)