Session 372 - Into the Arms of Cavemen

Date: 32 April

Moon: Full Moon

Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:

- Randell was a simple generic Level 1 adventurer, on his way to a generic level 1 town with rats in the basement, when he was waylaid by a beautiful level 1 maiden. Their passionate romance ended when he discovered that she was no level 1 maiden, she was a level 99 Vampire Boss! In a fit of panic, and a bit of blind luck, Randell managed to slay her. When you carouse, gain a contact of your sexual preference in this town.
- Randell also had very religious grandparents, whom he loved and respected and was raised by after Jonathon Toast killed his parents. Turns out that Randell's "failed orphan" backstory was because he actually became an orphan very late in life! Double religion bonus.

Events:

--- The Dragon in the Next Room

- Forewarned that there are dragons ahead, the party bother Sydney into reopening the portal to their Safe Space. There is a waft of garlic from the next room, and their thoughts of delicious garlic are tempered by the thought that sometimes poison smells like stuff you aren't expecting. Distantly from another direction, there is the faint echo of Dwarven song.
- Before entering the Safe Space, Sydney wafts a blast of Cloudkill into the next room in the hopes of cheesing the garlicky dragon. Alas, burning eyes can be seen and a booming voice says WHO ATTEMPTS TO POISON DRESSELDRAQ?!?! before Sydney scarpers into the extradimensional flat.

--- The Next Morning
- While everyone else is resting, Randell wakes up fairly early. He nabs a beer from the fridge to feed to Divinity's leg (which is, of course, the cocaine-craving vulture demon XORTHREMIUTH) and nips out into the dungeon to investigate the garlic situation. Breakfast, you know?

- He instead comes face to face with Dresseldraq the Dwimmerdragon, a six-legged wingless dragon carved from gem-encrusted stone. It's quite chatty, at least to Randell, who flatters its gems and asks about the breath. The breath turns to stone, but smells tasty at least. Dresseldraq is here to guard the way down to the city below, and its function was once as a sort of Dwarf-recycler. He will let people past if they have a special brooch that marks people as friends of the city.
- Meanwhile Hagan the Heretic pokes his head out of the door and heads off in the direction of the Dwarven singing from before. Randell takes his leave from the dragon and follows.

--- Dwarves of Ur-Kalladh

- Hagan starts singing yesterday's song, with backing vocals from Randell, and lo! Dwarves emerge! They are armoured in very fancy armour. They're from Ur-Kalladh and here to try to create some Stone Sons from the azoth-enriched stone. Unfortunately the Stone Sons awoke very suddenly and violently and ran off immediately!
- They say that the dragon will let Dwarves past as traditional custodians of the deep city. They also sell Randell some "really crappy" chain armour that is, in fact, rather good. Just worse than theirs.

--- Passing the Dragon

- They head back to the dragon with an idea of how to get past. Randell is mates with the dragon now, so he's cool. Hagan is a Dwarf, likewise cool. Divinity is going to wear Hagan's brooch that lets you through, also cool. Sydney is the problem.
- Luckily Sydney can turn into a cat with the cat-collar ring. Cool!
- Thus the heroes pass by the dragon.

--- And Yet, Dragons.

- The next room also has a dwimmerdragon, but this one simply growls and grunts and looks with hostile intent!
- They flee, finding yet another dragon! This one is less friendly, albeit talkative, and the party flees!
- They run, unheeding of their surroundings, deeper into the dungeon!
- Alas, after a thrilling chase sequence, the dragons catch up to them!

--- Chamber of the Cavemen

- It's a vast chamber, filled with a whole load of cavemen! Ugg ugg, etc!
- Hagan and Divinity prostrate themselves before the lead caveman, who has a big feathered crown.
- Sydney has an idea - activating a backstory ability to... force someone to make a romantic advance.
- The chieftain approaches Sydney amorously, to her disdain. At least he sends away the dragons! They've got a pre-existing relationship it seems.
- The chief is motioning to his crotch, Sydney gets on their knees, and... Sydney reaches forward with the cat-collar ring and turns the chief into a cat!
- Randall tries shooting the silver gun, but alas when everything Sydney was holding got turned to silver it also silverified the propellant! The bullet simply slides out of the chamber!

- There is a brief battle. The chief is killed, along with several other cavemen, and the remainder bow down before the mage Sydney. Minions!

--- The Way Down

- They claim the loot of the Chieftain - a big ol' macuahuitl and some sort of Rod of Unbuckling. It unbinds, unknots, undoes stuff.
- The cavemen tell Sydney of a way down they know of, guarded by a huge statue of a Dwarf. They head there... and the Dwarf bows down before Divinity and her brooch.
- A wall of light blocks the way down. Sydney uses rune bullshit to evade it, and they continue on with the cavemen in tow.

--- A Key

- At the bottom is an ominous black room with white mosaics. Pillars read Bonito, Justitio, and Malito. Each corresponds to murals of good prisoners let go, bad prisoners being killed, thus between simply imprisoned.
- Sydney sends a couple of cavemen out to scout. Randell goes with one group. One opens a door and he sees a mechanical hand lash out and rip the caveman's face clean off, then take off its thumbs! Fuck!
- Randell cautiously looks down the corridor and sees an alcove, past the death door. He bravely walks up to it and a magic mouth demands something in Latin.
- Hagan speaks Latin! Lucky! He turns up and the mouth is asking him to put his hand inside it for verification. With trepidation, he does... and it marks his hand with a stamp and gives him a fat actual key!

- The door behind them opens and... oh fuck oh no... it's some sort of horrible clanking android trying to puppet the caveman's mouth to try and bait Randell in! Its body is a torture rack, its head is an iron maiden head, and its hand are thumbscrews!
- Both flee, Randell up the corridor and Hagan back to the black room.

--- Torture Golems

- Randell tries a door and inside is... gems! Big massive gems! On either side are immobile torture golems.
- Randell, naturally, takes the gems. The golems come to life and attack!

- Divinity busts in to help, hearing the screams, and helps free Randell from the thumb-screwing clutches of the golem! They escape together, discovering that at least the golems are slow in pursuit!

- The golems stop just before reaching the magic mouth.
- Upon seeing that Hagan and his key aren't attacked by the golems, a caveman attempts to get himself a key. Alas! He fails! The torture golems SURGE FORWARD and attack!

- There is an extended battle. The golems are extremely strong, they can wrestle you onto the rack for damage over time, or just thumbscrew you to death with their powerful attacks!
- Cavemen fall left and right!

- Divinity is caught on the rack, but channels holy power into a full-body smite to release herself!

- Hagan holds back, safe with the key, supporting where he can.
- Sydney blasts with magic missiles and is aghast as their cavemen minions fall.
- Randell keeps his distance, already badly hurt by these very contraptions before, attacking only when the opportunity presents itself.
- The torturebots eventually fall, but the party is aghast at their power. This truly is deep dungeon.

--- Stamp the Hands

- Finally, everyone (and the surviving cavemen) get their hands stamped and their keys approved with the help of Sydney's meta-manipulation powers. Safe from torturebots... they hope!
- To prove this, Randell goes into the room opposite his gem room and takes the gems. The torturebots, thankfully, remain immobile!

Total: 11000 exp

Treasure:
- 6 massive gems (15000 exp)

- Rod of Unbuckling
- Huge Macahuitl

- Torturebot fragments
Total: 15000 exp

Enemies:

- A whole bunch of cavemen (200 exp)
- Two torturebots (3000 exp)

Total: 3200 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 166394 (Level up at 288000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 54942 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 6 Battle-Cleric (Fighter 3/ Cleric 3): 54138 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Randell the Vampire Slayer, Level 5 Fighter: 18570 (Level up at 32000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +backstory!

Session 371 - BIG SLUG

Date: 2 April

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:

- Divinity pulled off the greatest prank anybody had ever pulled - pretending to be a boy all the way through school until she revealed the truth at her graduation! Once per session, someone completely believes a vaguely plausible lie.
- Randall has a tragic backstory - his parents were devoured by a horrible airborne monster known only as Jonathon Toast. He's on a quest to destroy Jonathon Toast. Once per session, someone you hurt must tell you the truth.

Events:

--- Sydney's New Flatmate
- Sydney, in a mile-wide circle of destroyed plantlife on normally verdant Venus, is sucked into a portal and deposited back where they started - in front of a horrible demonic vulture person!
- Luckily they've spent their time reading through their (very heavy, pure silver) book of demon names, and knows the the vulture demon is called XORTHREMIUTH. This allows them to make binding deals!
- Sydney makes a binding deal with the demon - live in the extradimensional flat, keep it tidy, and obey one request per month. Unfortunately Sydney mispronounces the demon's name (it's "-uth" not "-us") and now the demon has full access to the flat and no bindings. Hurrah!

--- Past the Seal

- The rest of the party have been waiting in the big hall with the living statue of a psychopomp, and it kindly decides not to obliterate Sydney due to the killing of the vampire which the statue so hated.
- They all troop off to the next floor down, passing the Blood Seal that once blocked the exit.

--- Treasure Cave

- At the bottom of the stairs, gems! Loads of them! They're fairly valuable on their own, and have a strange property where they get melty in your hands. Hagan eats one and hey! It heals!
- They explore a little and find a cave full of... flying rats with beetle wings and one long tooth! Hagan declares these to be sloppily reskinned Stirges and tells everyone to run! It's too slow though, and Divinity gets mobbed by a load of rat-stirges which manage to burrow into her leg hard enough to fracture it!
- Sydney wafts in with a Cloudkill and wipes out almost all of the rat beetles! Divinity heals herself up a bit with godly magic and grabs the sack of gems in the middle of the room. Value!

--- Return to the Flat

- Sydney summons the Safe Space and ushers everyone in to heal up after the rat bites.

- Inside is a VERY coked up vulture demon. He got into the cocaine hearts! Sydney's heart falls.
- Divinity makes a deal with the devil (pronouncing the name right and all). The vulture demon agrees to become her new leg, vulture head poking out of the knee.
- Sydney grudgingly cooks dinner.

--- SLUG

- The next day they exit the flat and wander further. They hear voices and - lo! - it's some Halflings! They're gathered around a corpse tied to a stalagmite.

- They're friendly enough though. Randall loots the corpse, then peeks into the next area. There's a HUGE slug with a big green pustule on its face, which pops to spit acid! Also a hole dubbed the New Greasy Tube. The acid damage is no joke - 6d8 damage!
- Randall sprints through the room into another chamber. He's nearly killed by Piercers, but escapes!
- Sydney impresses the Halflings by using a Beam Fire glyph, but when they're distracted the Halflings attack! What a shocker! They leap onto Sydney and Divinity's backs and try to mind wrestle them into submission!
- Worse, the slug teleports! What the hell! It's also branded with the symbol of Terms Termax!
- They attempt to shake off the Halflings. Randall runs for the New Greasy Tube, seeing a bunch of bones in a sort of cool ossuary formation down the passage that the slug came from. He slides down and finds himself in a sort of hotel lobby! A stone Dwarf lady polishes stoneware.
- The others follow, Sydney stopping briefly to Magic Missile the Halflings to death with a snap of the fingers.

--- Friendly Bartender

- When Sydney arrives sweaty and shaking, the others are already at the bar. They're talking to the bartender.
- They discover that the Slug was an experiment in immortality by Terms Termax, that the passages tend to loop back around, and the way down has "Dwimmerdragons" in the way.

- Eris is indeed imprisoned below in THE GOD PRISON. Below that is the "Old City" but the bartender doesn't know much beyond that.
- Sydney wants this room, so casts Stolen Sanctum! It works... but anybody who comes into this room of the flat must fight the bartender first before she'll make you a drink!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:

- 18 healing gems (180 exp)
- 3 bloodstones (1500 exp)
- 3 sardonyx (150 exp)
Total: 1830 exp

Kills:

- A couple of "innocent" Halflings. (200 exp)
Total: 200 exp

Exp Total:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 159094 (Level up at 288000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 47642 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 6 Battle-Cleric (Fighter 3/ Cleric 3): 46838 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Randall the Vampire Slayer, Level 4 Fighter: 11270 (Level up at 16000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +Backstory!

Session 370 - Vampires, Vultures and Venus

Date: 26 March

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: Oberon

New Characters:

- Verling Dingo the Venerable, a wizard so old (486 years old in fact) that he forgot all his experience. His familiar, a vulture, circled ominously overhead. He wielded a stuffed cat.

Events:

--- Loot the Room!

- After last session's late-run battle against the vampire babes, we return to Divinity and Sydney in the grand curtain-lined hall in the depths of Dwimmermount. Kill the boss vampire and they can get past the Blood Seal to the lower level.
- Arriving in the room, out of breath, is a stranger! This is Verling Dingo, a wizened old wizard, come to join the party after hearing of their heroic deeds.
- Conveniently for Verling, the treasure from last time is unlooted!
- The others throw aside the curtains and stake the hearts of the vampire babes as they recover in their coffins. Beneath each is a blade.
- One, shaped like a rat's head, is the Ratman's Edge. The other, formed of pitted steel, is the Sword of Ages. Both are claimed!
- In the vampire lord's coffin is... a body! It resists staking because on closer inspection it's a hollow statue made of sapphire. It also has breathing holes in the nose (Verling stuffs them with stuffed cat fur) and behind it in the wall is a grille - the vampire must have escaped again!

- Sydney summons the Safe Space and loads it up with loot - coffins, big red curtains, sapphire statue. They all rest, despite knowing this means the vampire will probably have respawned by morning.

--- Divinity Divines the Way

- In the morning Sydney goes to their Red Elf Heart collection and scarfs one down to enable another round of rebirth. The hearts are also made of pure cocaine, so Sydney is alert and AMPED!
- They head around the hall, hoping to find wherever the grille leads. They warn Verling that the statues around here can and will laser Chaotic beings such as they. Divinity, Lawful by aura, heads to the empyreal God to re-up her blessing and ask some questions.
- It seems that the only way to easily permanently kill the vampire is to bring it into this room. The psychopomp's sheer Lawful aura will turn it to ash!
- The God grants Divinity its anti-undead aura again, and reminds her that it can restore level drain once a week in case the vampire does bite her.

--- Verling the Venerable's Vivisection

- Divinity rejoins the party to see Sydney with massive pupils babbling about a business venture. Verling takes the lead into the next room for some reason.
- It's a guardhouse. There are cells (one of which contains a Halfling) and several zombies, naked other than roman helmets, sitting around the place. Two are behind a counter, another two are staring at cards like they were playing a card game.
- The zombies suddenly look up, eyes flashing red! They speak and demand to know who goes there!
- The Halfling in the cell introduces herself as Merry Proudfoot and says she's hiding from them in the cell. They've eaten brains and are now Ravenous, which means they've got about ten minutes to eat another brain if they want to retain consciousness.
- Verling turns back to the zombies and THEY'RE ON HIM! His throat is torn out instantly, and as the vital lifeblood of his 486 year old body pours onto the floor he feels claws start to prise his head open.
- His vulture familiar erupts into its original demon form! It's a horrible floating squid, spores glisten from its rubbery pores! The zombies let go of the corpse and face this new foe!
- Divinity charges in with her great-axe to avenge the old man, while Sydney casts Magic Missile and... something goes wrong. The spell goes awry! The magic slips out of their grip and everything they own turns to pure silver! Sydney cannot move easily, the thick silver foil of their robes limiting mobility.

- Divinity fumbles against a zombie, sending her axe spinning away across the floor. She unsheathes the Sword of Ages... what does it even do? She tries it out and discovers it does more damage the older they are, and these zombies are very old indeed! Zombies fall to the Sword of Ages.

--- Brief Thief

- But what's this? Another new character so soon? Jumping from under the covers in a seemingly empty cell, a "generic Thief" type jumps forth! He charges into a zombie, sending both flying behind the counter, barely avoiding a ballista bolt fired from Sydney's Sudden Siege Engine!
- The ballista bursts the squid demon and one of the zombies, thudding into the wall behind.
- The final zombie cracks open the Thief's head, devours the brain, and absconds. Battle over!

--- Vultures, Vampires, and Venus

- Rolling out from under the counter where he'd been hiding is another new character! His name is Randall and Merry the Halfling informs him that they were part of the same party. He doesn't remember this, but he does have a sore spot on the back of his neck so maybe she's telling the truth?
- He also believes this to be a "level 2 dungeon" whatever that means, since he can't remember past the entrance.
- In any case, Merry Proudfoot joins the party too.
- They all head out into the corridor and hey! It's the other end of the grille! They peek round a corner and see the zombie that just absconded talking to a giant vulture monster that can only say "SCREEAWWW".
- Sydney Siege Engines them, and the ballista hits the pillar behind them... revealing that the pillar is hollow! Within is a coffin standing sarcophagus-style! The bolt bumps against the coffin but doesn't go through.
- More fast zombies are in there too, and they swiftly run away.
- The Vulture Demon flies at them, and the zombies who ran away were actually flanking! They burst in from another direction, and Sydney unleashes another Siege Engine... but the spell goes awry again! There is a flash of green and a whiff of vegetation and... Sydney is gone.

--- Elsewhere

- Sydney emerges in a strange alien forest, under a strange alien sky. A weird reticulated plant creature approaches and threatens. It says that this is Venus, and they kill all intruders.
- Sydney grins. Finally, a use for the spell they swore they could never use. The spell that kills all natural plantlife within a mile. Sydney waves their arms and casts the Blight.

--- Desperate Slayer

- It's Divinity and Randall against the world. Fast zombies from one side, barely fended off by Divinity. A vulture demon from the other, striking with beak and claws and razor wings.
- The vulture demon forces them to boast or suffer the consequences! Divinity resists at first, then acquiesces. Her pride sustains the monster. She swipes at it with a Smite, but it dodges back! Its counterattack fails, though, and it stumbles to the ground!
- Randall runs past as zombies rake at Divinity, sprinting straight for the ballista bolt that is inches from the vampire's coffin!
- He jumps, feet coming together to land a perfect spear-kick on the ballista bolt!
- It thuds home, cracking straight through the coffin and into the vampire's heart! There is a great scream, and a distant detonation!
- Divinity hears this and makes a fighting retreat, joining Randall on his sprint away from the zombies and the demon. They skid through the guardroom, past Merry who has now re-locked herself in the prison cell, and collapse into the safety of the Empyreal God's room!
- He feels the vampires death and thanks them profusely. Finally, his most annoying enemy has been defeated! He thanks Randall specifically - naming him Randall the Vampire Slayer.

--- Soon...?

- Sydney is surrounded by brown and withered vegetation. The alien stars burn bright. A portal reopens behind them, back to the lair of the vulture demon.
- Sydney believes that Venus is about a mile across. The planet must be dead. They turn to the portal, grin, and leave to a different fate.

Total: 9000 exp

Treasures Looted:
- Sapphire Statue (10 000 exp)
- 1000 copper coins (100 exp)
- Sword of Ages
- Ratman's Edge

Total: 10100 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Several ravenous zombies (100 exp)

- A vampire lord (finished off)

- The planet Venus (?)

Total: 100 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 154107 (Level up at 288000)

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 6 Battle-Cleric: 41951 (Level up at 72000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Min Faith! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

- Tom / Randall the Vampire Slayer, Level 3 Fighter: 6383 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!