Tuesday, 19 November 2019

Session 247 - Bertha’s Ghost

Bertha attacks, fueled by her grief! Luna gives herself willingly to a vampire!
Level drain! A banshee! That bit from 300 where all those dudes get charged off the cliff!

On with the show...


Session 247 - Bertha’s Ghost

Date:
15 years after the End.

Character List:
- Andromeda, Level 7 Andromedan Vampire / Kitty
- Red, Level 6 Duellist Fighter / Timothy
- Zulu Snakebite, Level 6 Barbarian / Ollie- Granite “Grumpy” Ironjaw, Level 6 Warden Dwarf
- Dargo, Level 4 Inheritor / Russell - Luna, Level 3 Necromancer / Jonathon- The New Moondin Lost Boys, Level 1 Extras / George

New Backstory:
- Beepbox blames himself for the death of his father due to his failings as a healer, and he won’t let it happen again! When someone dies nearby, you can take a crit from whatever killed them to make them unconscious instead.
- Hope Jackson of the Lost Boys has spent his life flouting the law, and he’s not going to stop now! +1 to hit guards, soldiers, and other forces of law and order.

Flowers Penurious - Orphan Leader of the Lost Boys


Foes:
- 3 vampires (2100 exp)
- Bertha (1500 exp)
Total: 3600 exp

Events:

--- ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ
- The banshee rushes towards Andromeda, screaming about how she stole POWERLAD! The ghostly spirit expands as it grows closer and closer, its mouth yawning wider and wider… and suddenly dissipates into mist!
- The party is standing on a wide cliff edge in front of a deep cave. Bertha strides out from the darkness, pointing directly at Andromeda, demanding to know how she has the gall to come here! Flanking her are two very hammy vampires in leather. To the rear, on the cliff edge, is the vampire who brought them all up here with a rat horde elevator.
- Andromeda, calling herself “Vampdromeda”, stands firm. She apologises on the behalf of all Andromedae and Bertha is suddenly reminded of her grief over POWERLAD’s betrayal and death. She falls to her knees in grief… and her grief is so powerful that it affects Andromeda too. They fall to their knees and weep tears of blood.
- The grey ghost of Bertha’s grief rises out of Bertha’s weeping form. It wears a tattered wedding dress and rotting veil, and the mere sight of it would drive any ordinary mortal mad with fear! But those standing on the cliff stand strong, even when they catch a glance of the terrifying face beneath her veil! Zulu protects Dargo from its gaze.
- The widow unleashes a terrible cry, crumbling the armour of all but Grumpy who is protected by his Styxian faith and Zulu who wears nothing but a fur bikini and an incongruous handbag! She turns on Luna and points a finger, and a rotting veil falls over her head. She has been marked for death!
- Luna doesn’t really mind though as the leather-clad vampires vamp their way into guard positions on either side of the weeping women. Luna’s plan is to get drained and turned into a vampire anyway, so this is perfect! She walks forward into the embrace of the nearest vampire, whose name turns out to be Fanx.
- The other vampire, Jax, is very jealous of this development. His jealousy doesn’t last too long though because he gets very distracted by Dargo’s insane vine-grapple move! Jax is pinned to the wall of the cave as stake-like thorns pierce his flesh and acidic sap eats away at his skin!
- It’s a poor start for the Lost Boys as they form a firing line and the yell of “kill the undead!” gets misinterpreted! Luna’s zombies are wiped out in a volley of beam fire after a fumble goes wrong.
- Red runs at the widow with Lonely Blade, the spider soul of her dead stepbrother manifesting to strike twice at the ghost with a double combo attack! The ghost shrieks, lacerated by the magical blades!
- Zulu fires at the vampire minion at the rear whose name is apparently Drakulasei and misses, so he finally springs into action! Grumpy jumps in front of Zulu to defend her with his glaive, warding the vampire off!
- Another volley of beamfire from the Lost Boys crits Drakulesei, piercing his vampire heart as he leaps towards Zulu! The vampire collapses into fine, heavy dust.
- The widow flows towards Luna, shaking in Fanx’s grip as he drains her dry, and pulls her head to the side to help finish her off! Fanx lets her body slump to the ground and smiles languidly. So full! Jax, getting torn to shreds by vines nearby, yells at him to help!
- The grief wave dissipates along with the widow and Bertha looks up into Andromeda’s eyes. She looks apologetic, and explains that the Widow is all the grief she never dealt with after never making up with POWERLAD before his death. She read the POWERLAD romance novels over and over to feel close to him, and the Widow is the part of her that believes they’re real. Cheating and love children and all.
- Andromeda passes her the Saviourbone hammer, telling her it’s made of POWERLAD’s dragon-bones, as a sign of contrition on behalf of all Andromedae.
- She puts her hand on the haft and the hammer head starts to crackle with lightinng. “You know, I don’t know why I ever fought you. You seem alright and you’re a vampire too… Come on, let’s kill some people!”
- Bertha shapeshifts into a wolf with the hammer in its jaws, leaps off Andromeda’s back, and pounces towards Red! She shifts back midair, hammer swinging down, but misses! She lets go of the hammer and grabs Red’s neck instead, biting her and sucking out her blood. Red is level drained! The worst curse of the vampire!
- Grumpy yells, “Hey can you sign this book?!” to try and distract her, but it doesn’t work. Bertha snarls out a muffled “maybe later”.
- Andromeda yells, “stop that!” and runs to stop Bertha… biting into her neck from behind! It’s a vampire chain! Andromeda’s biting Bertha who’s biting Red! Bertha twists round and bites Andromeda back, draining a level in return!
- Red kicks them both off her and they roll towards the edge of the cliff… then follows up with a strike that slices off Bertha’s jaw! She rears back and the Lost Boys run over to assist her, hoping to get in her good graces.
- Before they get a chance to do more than but her head in an old timey jaw bandage, they’re rammed off the cliff by the disgruntled Grumpy! The Lost Boys and Bertha fall down the mountain, plummeting to certain doom!

--- Form of Bat!
- Grumpy, Red, Zulu and Andromeda look down the cliffside to see Bertha transform into a giant bat and catch some of the Lost Boys out of the air! She spreads her leathery wings wide and tries to slow their fall.
- Andromeda jumps after her, skydiving off the edge! Zulu whistles for her ibex and jumps on, the beasts’ agile feet letting it jump down the cliff face! Grumpy and Red watch them go, nonplussed.

--- Topside
- The pair turn, bickering about why the hell Grumpy thought it would be cool to ram party members off a cliff, and realise that there’s still a fight going on! Jax has broken out of Dargo’s vine attack, and the two vampires are warily staring down his monstrous hybrid demon form from the cave mouth.
- The vampires retreat, not willing to risk more fighting while Jax is hurt and Fanx is so full of blood - his belly is swollen and red like a mosquito! They sashay back into the cave, arguing between themselves.
- Dargo sweeps the ashes of the slain vampire into a bag in case he wants to eat them later, and the Topside team head into the cave. They’ve got to bury Luna’s body after all!
- Dargo decides to use the power of Dino-Mum to create an incubator inside his body for the dinosaur eggs. Looks like he and Red are gonna be dino parents!


--- Freefall
- The wind catches at Andromeda’s clothes as she dives down towards the struggling bat and its string of dangling Extras. The bat banks towards another of the caves that honeycomb the cliffside and Andromeda adjusts herself to follow… preparing to turn into a bat just in time to dart into the cave after them.
- Dangling from the bat, Flowers Penurius feels fear! His other orphans plummet to their doom around him and splat gruesomely onto the rocks below. Hope Jackson clings to his shoestrings, just managing to hold on before they crash into a rough landing in a cave mouth. Bertha returns to vampire form, rolling along the rocky ground and trailing blood from her jawless face.
- Flowers tries to talk to Bertha before anyone else shows up, but she can only gargle from her destroyed mouth. A spiderweb of bone and muscle is growing out of Bertha’s mouth, constructing a fragile jaw.
- Flowers asks about her plans to destroy Styx and she denies that she’s plotting to usurp him. They put up with each other, but there’s always the implicit threat of allowing vampire-destroying rays through the diamond dome. If she rises up against him she’s got no real chance of victory.
- A bat flutters in behind them and elegantly reforms into Andromeda! Talk turns to their relationship as Zulu enters the cave dramatically, lantern held in the mouth of her ibex. The flighty Lost Boys nearly shoot her before seeing it’s a friend.
- Bertha says she’s saving all the vampires she creates. They’re freed from the cycle of rebirth because they can’t wear their medical kara so can’t have their minds re-uploaded. Technically, yes, everyone here is under her thrall, but she doesn’t enforce it! She doesn’t really know much about the brain-obol every reborn person has in their head, other than it’s an artificial soul.
- Andromeda makes an ill-advised joke about POWERLAD and Bertha is suddenly reminded of all she’s lost! Apologies don’t help and Bertha starts to cry again, catching both Andromeda and the Lost Boys in her grief! The widow emerges once more, and points a shaking finger at Zulu!

--- The Bat Men
- Topside, Red leads the party into the caverns, ghostly sword raised above her head to shed a pale rippling corpse-light across the increasingly smooth tunnel walls. The light reveals UV graffiti, written by vampires over time.
- The stone floor becomes soft and loamy. They’re in a large, smooth chamber with hooks and straps all up the walls… and a soft cackling from above. It’s Jax and Fanx, still bickering with each other from overhead!
- Jax tells them that burying a body here will make it emerge as a vampire, mostly to throw Fanx under the bus for being a dick and letting him get murdered by vines. Fanx has some very misogynistic views on women who let just any guy suck them.
- Red tries to persuade them to come down so that she can kill them by exchanging backstories. Asked about what’s deeper in, the vampires warn of “the Butcher” and tell them that it’s honestly an all-around bad time inside.
- Eventually Fanx agrees to come dig the grave for the corpse that will become his thrall, and under the watchful eyes of the others does so while petulantly flinging dirt at Jax on the ceiling. Red takes the opportunity to carve an insulting (by her standards) note on the wall that says she’ll forgive and forget if she gets her blood back.
- Dargo lays the body to rest by flopping his ox-centaur-body’s human half rubberily into the hole and placing the corpse gently below. From this angle we can even see the soft glow of the dinosaur egg incubator inside him.
- The team retreats away with vampires in tow. The first few hours of your rebirth are by far the worst, and nothing you want to see. “Everyone hates their birth-day!” says Jax, who is now confused by why Red is nodding her agreement so earnestly.

--- No Chill
- “These women… too emotional,” says Zulu as the Widow emerges and flies straight at her, claws outstretched and screaming! Zulu screams right back, a shout of rage! “I fucked POWERLAD too!” she yells, smashing her forehead straight into the Widow’s face!
- Bertha weeps harder at this, sending waves of grief into Andromeda and the Lost Boys, all weeping together, and the Widow unleashes a deafening scream! Zulu is deafened by a fun table gimmick and physically cannot hear anyone, yelling too-loudly that she’s sending her lantern-bearing ibex to set fire to Bertha!
- The ibex charges Bertha and knocks her back, charging her round a bend in the cave and freeing the others from her grief field! They stand, Andromeda lit up by lightning as she summons her Storm Hammer, and the Lost Boys charge round the corner!
- The Widow vanishes and Zulu chases the rest… finding Bertha calmly petting the ibex. It really calmed her down. “What a nice nice beast” she says, smiling at everyone, “sorry for being such a crybaby!”

Total: 2200 exp

Team Bonus:
- AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa bonus
- Absolutely Disgusting bonus
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Antagonist Appeaser bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Diplomancy bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Chase bonus
- Dramatic Rescue bonus
- Fame bonus
- Freudian bonus
- Heresy bonus
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus
- Infamy bonus
- Internecine Strife bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Mountaineer bonus
- Noblebright bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Rumour Investigator bonus
- Shunga bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- SpoOoOoky bonus
- Tentacle Molestation bonus
- This! is! Sparta! Bonus
- Vore bonus
- Why Did You Say That bonus
Total: 1500 exp

Individual Bonus:
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Jonathon / Luna - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Ollie / Zulu - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (George / Lost Boys - 100 exp)
- Triage (Timothy / Red - 100 exp)
- Chef (Russell / Dargo - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Timothy, Kitty - 500 exp ea.)
- Chippo Champion bonus (Carter*2 - 100 exp ea.)
- Art Attack bonus (Timothy - 100 exp ea.)
- Attacco d’Arte bonus (Timothy - 100 exp)
- Bad Succ bonus (Andromeda, Red, Luna - 100 exp ea.)
- Amusing Death bonus (Luna - 500 exp)
- Death’s Witness bonus (All who saw Luna die - 100 exp ea.)

Death Toll:
- Luna, sucked dry by the Vampire called Fanx. Will rise again

Exp Totals:
- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 6 Andromedan Vampire: 55743 (Level up at 72000)
>>>Level Drained<<<
- Carter / Granite "Grumpy" Ironjaw, Level 6 Warden Dwarf: 44417 (Level up at 70400)
- Ollie / Zulu Snakebite, Level 6 Barbarian: 39027 (Level up at 64000)
- Russell / Dargo, Level 5 Inheritor: 28509 (Level up at 36000)
- Tim / Red, Level 5 Duellist Fighter: 26043 (Level up at 32000)
>>>Level Drained<<<
- George / The New Moondin Lost Boys, Level 2 Extras: 2895 (Level up at 3000)
- Jonathon / Luna, Level 1 Vampire Thrall: 1843 (Level up at 2250)

Tuesday, 12 November 2019

Session 246 - Lost Causes



Phew! Can't believe I got this out on time honestly! That was a lot.
I've got to get this out before the game starts in half an hour or so, so here we go!

Session 246 - Lost Causes

Date:
15 years after the End.

Character List:
- Andromeda, Level 7 Laddite Cleric / Kitty
- Red, Level 6 Duellist Fighter / Timothy
- DJ, Level 6 Intergalacticist Cleric / Charles
- Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, Level 6 Snelsman Cleric / George
- Granite “Grumpy” Ironjaw, Level 6 Warden Dwarf
- Dargo, Level 4 Inheritor / Russell
- The New Moondin Lost Boys, Level 1 Extras / George

New Characters:
- The New Moondin Lost Boys, a group of orphans from New Moondin’s Denialist Brotherhood. They’re all at least 16 so they’re not technically child soldiers.

New Backstory:
- Choosing the Poison World over the perfect future rocked Dargo’s worldview, but if he could go back he’d still do it all again. Re-take an action and all associated rolls once per session.
Enemies Defeated:
- A Stygimoloch (100 exp)
Total: 100 exp

Salvage:
- World’s Longest Sausage (5 exp)
- Massive Kebab (50 exp)
- Book #308: POWERLAD: Mischief in Moondin (50 exp)
- 5 Boar Meat (5 exp)
Total: 110 exp

Events:

--- Grumpy’s World
- Grumpy is floating in white, telling everything he knows to the avatar of Styx in front of him. All about New Moondin, the Seraphim, everything he’s been through.
- “It’s ok! It’s ok! I know, I know!” says Styx, trying to comfort him. “It wasn’t real, Grumpy! You’re safe now. Please just come home with me.”
- The whiteness is split in two, doors opening to reveal the shining city of the real world. Grumpy sees his real self standing on the balcony overlooking the beautiful city, transforming omni-glaive strapped to his back.
- Grumpy rejects heaven, asking that Styx fork his personality and send this version back to the Poison World. Styx looks at him sadly, “it’s always the good ones”, before sending him back to his body in the simulation.

--- The Truth
- Snels is berating his false son in the real world, the shining city of Fate glittering below. He’s pissed that his son would abandon God to become a digital being. “You’re not real!” he yells, “None of this is real! Take me to the real world!”
- “Fine, pull him out” says Styx, dejectedly. Bright white light fills his being.
- …
- beep
- ...
- beep
- …
- beep
- …
- Snels is looking at a matte beige ceiling. Something is beeping. He turns his head to the side and sees his body, Old Man Snels’ body, lying on a hospital bed. The beeping machine is an Automated Dialysis Assistance Machine - an A.D.A.M.
- He looks down at his body - it’s a smooth androgynous flesh-coloured mannequin. Cables are slotted into the ports on his arms and body.
- There is a doctor who starts when he sees the Snels-mannequin sit up and begin undocking the cables. “Woah woah woah, you’re not meant to be awake yet!”. His badge shows his name - Dr Oliver, MD.
- The mannequin leaps at the doctor’s neck and starts to choke him! As he flails the door bangs open and an orderly runs in, followed by Snels’ beautiful wife. She begs the mannequin to stop and it skitters back to its feet, back warily to the wall.
- The orderly tries to explain. The body in the bed is the real Snels - George Snels. He’s been in a coma for 3 years. They’ve been trying to bring him back by forking his mind into a simulation, letting it gain different experiences, then merging it back in to jump-start his consciousness.
- George’s wife begs the mannequin to merge back into her husband’s mind. It’s their last chance. They’ve already tried it several times and each new merge makes the resulting mind more aberrant. If this time doesn’t work, he’ll be gone forever.
- The mannequin sees a goblin walking past in the corridor and goes mad, tearing past the doctor (still coughing and holding his throat) and scrambling out to kill the goblin! It’s not Styx, and the orderly manages to tackle the mannequin down before it does significant harm.
- It stands stock still as it looks out of the glass bay window to the shining city of Fate below. It looks more real, somehow. More grubby. There are fingerprints on the glass, and white foam scum on the distant beach, and tarnish on the rooftops of the brass city.
- It stands and turns to George’s wife, and in its scratchy synthesised voice says, “I need some time to think”.
--- The Actual World
- Grumpy’s final thought, as he’s thrust back into his body in the elevator, is “I want sunglasses!”.
- He jerks awake to find the others are already back and awake. All except Damnation Snels, whose body is trembling in the upload chair. Everyone gets a pair of sunnies to their specification, the glasses forming together from the black glass shards on the floors.
- Since they’re all in the elevator again, the party endeavour to check out some of the other rooms in here. If they express a desire to leave, the black glass of the central room forms steps down to the outside.
- Andromeda pokes her head into a room with countless glass cubes containing miniature animals. It’s pretty cool. On the other side of the room there are two mirrors facing each other. She stands between them… and disappears!
- The others see her look towards them in shock, skin now ghostly pale and her teeth now extended into vampire fangs. She’s not invisible, she’s a vampire! Plus her look has updated to a very exciting vampire chic. She immediately experiments with turning into various classic vampire transformations and it works! Way cool!
- She sees a horse amongst the miniature beasts and touches the cube it’s inside… which suddenly vanishes. The miniature horse jumps out, rapidly starting to grow, and the other cubes begin to shift and fall, releasing other creatures!

--- Snels Is
- Snels opens his eyes into the simulation he chose - the God Sim where he is the Fated King in the omnipotent city of Fate. The simulation is running at an arbitrarily fast speed, he will have thousands of subjective years to think in the space of an objective second.
- His first act is to annihilate all life on the planet in a wave of pale ooze. Komm, süßer Tod plays as the world is wiped clean and the substance of the planet is broken down over the course of centuries, all used to augment Fate into a machine the size of a planet.



- He reaches Kardashev II a thousand years later, sending countless vessels out into the galaxy to claim more energy for the great work. Dyson Sphere Fate's computational power grows exponentially. The simulation starts to break down, losing resolution as the thinking machine takes up every last scrap of processing power. - Snels, deep in the silent core of the impossibly vast computer, sees error codes flooding in. He smiles as the simulation collapses and he sees, for the briefest second, the myriad worlds beyond...

--- Critter Chaos!
- The animal cubes are falling and shattering, releasing the creatures within!
- Grumpy holds up one of the walls of glass cubes, flicking another to support another pile. A hippo, rapidly growing from its cube in the wall, bites him with its massive jaws!
- Andromeda’s horse whinnies, looks into her eyes, and is suddenly taken out by a rhino! They smash into another wall, right next to a crocodile which snaps at their legs! Andromeda turns to see a tiger beginning to pounce and makes it stop still when it looks into her vampire eyes. She controls a tiger!
- The beasts in the cubes smashed apart by the deadly rhino-on-horse combat start growing themselves. It’s chaos!
- Outside, in the central chamber, Damnation Snels’ body starts jerking and frothing. Andromeda can sense his heart seizing up and suddenly feels very hungry.

--- A Virus
- He’s back in the place he was thousands and thousands of years ago. A hospital bed, looking up at a matte beige ceiling.
- Voices, raised in alarm. “Oh fuck he was meant to dip in and have a couple of hours down these, how long was that for him?!”.
- A goblin’s voice, “I’m trying to shut it down!”.
- Another voice, sobbing, his wife. He looks to the side. George Snels’ body is shuddering, his eyes pop open, bloodshot, grinding his teeth. The Snels’ make eye contact. A shock of recognition. Then blankness. Whiteness.
- He’s floating in white again. Styx is there, but he seems frustrated and distracted.
- “You gotta make a choice man! Your simulation released a subneural virus, we can’t stay here long. Back into the simulation? Or merge with yourself in the real world?”
- Snels demands the truth, and Styx tells him that the Poison World is the simulation and the real world is reality. “You’re lying to me!” cries Snels.
- Snels chooses neither, choosing to float here in this white limbo. Time doesn’t scare him. After all, he’s lived for millenia.
- Styx disappears, telling Snels he pities him. As a last act of charity, he gives Snels a window to the Poison World simulation, leaving him to look out of the eyes of some other Snels below…

--- Mystery Meat
- Inside the room it’s clearly a lost cause! The room is filling up with more and more animals, compressing into a whole lot of miscellaneous meat! Andromeda leaps her tiger into combat and considers going to eat Snels. If she bites the back of the neck, nobody will ever suspect...
- She turns to look back and… Snels is poking his head into the room? She sees him realise that everything’s fucked in there, then run out to the centre room and collapse into black glass.
- The party absconds with great alacrity! Dargo grabs the remains of the crocodile and collapses into blob-mode, digesting the creature and upgrading his softshell crab armour to crocodile scales.
- The door shuts behind them… but it’s too slow. The sound of dying animals is deafening and horrific. The crushed up meat and bone and scales and feathers crams up against the closing door and slows it as it struggles to iris shut. The meat extrudes out through the centre of the door, creating the world’s most awful doner kebab and then the world’s longest and most suspect sausage.
- They look at the tube of gristly meat with a mixture of horror and genuine interest. The only sound the squishing, slopping sound of Dargo digesting his crocodilian meal. DJ hefts the kebab onto his shoulder, “Result!”.

--- Extra Time
- They leave the elevator, the other doors closing to prevent them fucking things up further, and leave down the glass stairs in the central chamber.
- The question is now what they do next! Andromeda changes into a bat, her vampire form unbothered by the artificial daylight within the dome, and flies up to get the lay of the land.
- DJ wants to investigate a plume of sparkling smoke, assuming it’s an alien crash site. Andromeda wants to go to Mt Death Frost now that she’s a vampire and check them out.
- They go to collect the minions who had to wait across the black glass and find a surprise - lots of people! It’s the New Moondin Lost Boys, the Brotherhood’s orphan division, led by Flowers Penurius. They’re all named after things which no longer exist, hence the name.
- Andromeda approaches her Void Pet which is extremely timid at her approach. It eventually warms to her again after briefly shying away.
- They decide to head to Mt Death Frost first, then come back to investigate the crash site. Vampires it is!


--- Road to Mt Death Frost
- Cutting back through the dense, horrible forest, they have a brief encounter with a couple of people near a dead body - one a human, the other a slime creature. They seem to be having a consensually good time, despite the dead body hidden in the ferns nearby. Dargo eats the body and finds he’s just a dead guy who died of natural causes… naturally occurring dinosaur causes.
- They lift the corpse’s gear. Some rope, a dino-bone sword, and a book! It’s book #308 - POWERLAD: Mischief in Moondin. A classic!
- Red stabs herself in the head “a bit” to allow Lonely Blade to talk to the version of the Lady in his head. She is… perturbed by the voice of RJ and says she’ll talk to Red any time as long as she please please please removes the sword from her head!
- They continue on and as they reach the foot of the mountain they come across a Stygimoloch, a species of Pachycephalosaurus, harassing a boar! It’s defending eggs, and Red is absolutely fucking delighted.
- Red tries to sneak in and grab the eggs, but it spots her! She easily evades its thick-skulled charge, and DJ quite circumvents matters by Abducting the poor dinosaur into the sky.
- Andromeda finishes off the wounded boar, draining all of its blood. Delicious. Grumpy gathers the bloodless meat for rations.
- While he dressed the carcass the dinosaur plummets out of the sky and slams into the ground. So much for that poor thing!

--- Vampire Queen
- They start climbing the mountain and are met by some rather charming vampires. “Vampdromeda” is warned about meeting Bertha. GJ hits it off with a vampire after offering his blood, so she takes him off for a threesome off-screen. Nice.
- After DJ returns, one of the vampires offers to take the party up the mountain so they don’t have to make the climb. He summons a horde of rats that take them all the way up to a cave mouth near the top of the mountain.
- From the darkness of the cave the slender Morticia Addams-like figure of Bertha approaches. Her voice screams out. “An Andromeda… vampire? You have some fucking nerve! You took my husband from meeeee!!!”.
- As she screams, a ghostly banshee form form screeches out of her, gliding straight towards Andromeda!


Total: 3000 exp

Team Bonus:
- Absolutely Disgusting bonus
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Antagonist Antagoniser bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Better Part of Valour bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Coitus boners
- Classic Charles bonus
- Deja Vu bonus
- Diplomancy bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Escape bonus
- Enmity Inciter bonus
- Freudian bonus
- Heresy bonus
- Holy bonus
- Homoerotic bonus
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Mountaineer bonus
- Noblebright bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong bonus
Total: 1300 exp

Individual Bonus:
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Charles / DJ - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Russell / Dargo - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (Russell / Dargo - 100 exp)
- Triage (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / NMLB - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Timothy, Charles, Kitty - 500 exp ea.)
- Art Attack bonus (George - 100 exp ea.)
- An Hero bonus (George - 200 exp)
- Lonely Death bonus (George - 500 exp)

Death (?) Toll:
- Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, trapped in simulation limbo forevermore.

Exp Totals:
- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 7 Andromedan Vampire: 75501 (Level up at 144000)
- Tim / Red, Level 6 Duellist Fighter: 57314 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Dustin Johnson, Level 6 Intergalacticist Cleric: 54946 (Level up at 56000)
- Carter / Granite "Grumpy" Ironjaw, Level 6 Warden Dwarf: 42874 (Level up at 70400)
- Russell / Dargo, Level 5 Inheritor: 27266 (Level up at 36000)
- George / The New Moondin Lost Boys, Level 2 Extras: 1652 (Level up at 3000)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!