Session 316 - Mirror Mirror

 Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- Damian ran away to join the circus... by which we mean the party. +1 to Reaction Rolls with outsiders, troupes, and other itinerants. 

Events:

--- Return of the Valkyries!

- The team enter a new zone. Damien is flanked by the rival strongmen Iskander and Swan the Swift. It's a Styx zone, so the area is built of shiny black glass and pixels. Near the end of the room is a chest with a thumbprint scanner. Standing at the end of the room are three anime characters. It's the Valkyries!
- This time the last survivor of the previous encounter is back! Kodai-chan, an ancient being with the body of a young girl, wielding a mighty bow and extendo-spear. With her are two new Valkyries. A man with a razor-edged shield and red hair, brash and bold, and a witch with a cauldron whose eyes are covered by her huge witch hat.
- Swan suggests a friendship, and after a bit of back-and-forth the Valkyries decide that this is probably a mini-boss chamber where they taunt the party and reappear later. The shieldman, Aka-san, stays behind to be the miniboss. The room is long and thin so obviously it's built for his strengths! The other two jump into the cauldron and away!

- Iskander strikes true, but discovers Aka-san's mastery of the Perfect Block! His attack pings away, while Swan prepares a counterattack. Damien glorps into a puddle and shloops around the fighters, attacking Aka-san from behind!
- Swan splits the shield in two with a sword-blow, and a cutscene occurs where Aka-san is allowed to leave for some reason with his wounded pride. The warrior dives into the cauldron, which crumbles to reveal a yellow rupee. 500 obols!

- The chest opens at a kick, revealing 900 more in rupees. Success!

--- Damnation Snels?!
- They continue through a couple of low-poly caves until they come to a last room. The exit to the next zone is probably beyond the archway in front of them... but a mysterious iPad-glass door to the right intrigues Swan when he hears a booming "I'm Damnation Snels! Peepeepoopoo!" coming from beyond it.
- Swan can't resist! He kicks the door down and enters a stagnant sewer zone. Filthy water runs down the middle of this long chamber. Standing in the crusty water is a big troll-like version of Damnation Snels, the puritan. His buckled hat is made of pure silver, and he roars "rarrrghhh I'm wrong about everything! Just obey me!" as he charges into battle!
- Swan and Iskander join the battle as one, striking at the big Snels as he attacks back with metaphorical claws and rhetorical teeth!

- After much glorious battle, and many cathartic references to former events, the beast is felled when Dorian cuts into his throat with wrist-spurs and Swan delivers the final blow. Snels is defeated. His silver hat, 300 obols, is taken.

--- Drunken Blob
- They leave the sewer and back out through the archway, entering a new zone. It's a Sir Robyn zone, and so opulently furnished in aging velvets and overstuffed plush cushions.
- In the middle of the room is a big snoring blob the colour of wine. In an alcove is a painted egg. Iskander goes for the egg and is hit by the blobby raccoon-hand of the blob as it rolls over in its slumber! The touch of the blob makes Iskander's armour slightly drunk, notching it.
- Swan tries for the egg and dodges the paw! He grabs it, finding it to be a painted tin egg worth 10 obols. Worth it...?

- He breaks the egg and inside is a little kinder surprise thing which contains a tiny phrasebook for raccoon and two other animal languages! Neat!

--- Sir Robyn!!
- There are drunken shouts from the next room, and they head through a bead curtain and find a drunk lawyer wizard lounging on a chaise-longue. It's Sir Robyn of course! He has a good supply of box wine and high-alcohol slavic beers.
- Snuggles and Scamps, his familiars, arrive with oven pizza. The party goes to leave, and Robyn asks them to bring him the scalps of any other Sir Robyns they see. He's multiversal, but dead in all of them eventually. Hopefully if he's the last Sir Robyn he will obtain Jet Li-like powers.

--- I'm Seein Double Here
- They head into the next area which is a nice vineyard that goes for miles, but with an obvious reduction in quality once it gets past the waist-high fence bounding the garden. Here is - and I rolled this random encounter completely legit - Sir Robyn on a chaise-longue!
- This is very convenient for scalp-related reasons, so they ask if they can trade their raccoon dictionary for his scalp. He's confused, but gets one of his raccoons over to see if it's got any jokes in it. The other raccoon gives him a can to manfully smash against his forehead... and it turns into a scalpel mid-flight, scalping this Sir Robyn!
- He survives for unkillable wizard reasons, but is in terrible pain! The party grabs the scalp and runs back to the previous room. Thanks for the assist, Scamps! Scamps, naturally, keeps the phrasebook and scampers away.

--- Wizard Beam
- The previous Sir Robyn is happy to see the scalp, and amazed that there was another one of him next door! He exchanges the scalp for a bottle of Jim Beam and heads out for a wizard duel against his double. The party go back to the blob room, avoiding wizard battles is good for the health.

- Swan sprays the blob with Jim Beam to distract it and the party slip out a side door. Successful escape!

--- Flesh Idol
- The next location is a special Gold room with its own map and everything.
- In the middle of a large chamber is a huge 10 foot flesh sculpture made of rotting animals and a woman acting as the head. It's yucky, but inanimate. Ominous.
- They check out some alcoves but only find offcuts from the flesh sculpture construction, crawling with red grubs. Best left alone.

--- Ratmen?
- Through the double doors at the end of the hall they hear muttered sounds, high pitched. Dorian knocks and a man wearing a giant rat skull on his face and a ratskin cloak answers! He thinks he's a ratman, but invites the party inside.

- He can't believe that the party got past the flesh golem, and definitely thinks he's a wererat. Swan rips off his rat mask and the dude thinks his whole face has been ripped off! He screams loudly!
- Swan dons his own wolfskin cloak, while Iskander rips off the rat cloak and makes the guy scream louder because he's clearly been skinned!
- After a scuffle in which the party is attacked by rusty blades and Swan throws some spare rat-cloaks over some of the "wererats", turning them in their minds into double-rats to visible confusion.

- After several of them are murdered the rest cower before the might of the Werewolf (Swan) and his horrible acolytes. They offer him stinking cottage cheese served from rat stomachs, apparently made from "ghoul milk" as an offering. It's genuinely horrible, and the "cracked black pepper" is rat droppings.
- Iskander finds a shard of crystal dragon core in the wererat's pile of filthy bedding. He's told by the cowering guys that it can be used to bend glyphs, like drakencultists could back before the end of the world.
- Swan's iron stomach is quite impressive as he chows down on the cheese. According to him you get used to it. The tunnels dug into the sides of the room are home to giant rats and ghouls, they've been digging them in an attempt to get around the very real flesh golem out there.
- There's another door out of here, leading into the Chequered Hall which has loads of tripwires that set things clattering to attract attention, used to catch giant rats by the "wererats" and also the ghouls. Go through there and you'll find a big chamber with a big magic mirror that shows the truth or possibly lies.

--- Mirror Mirror
- They head through the chequered hall, avoiding the traps they were warned about. It's fairly easy when you know they're there.
- They head up into the chamber they were told about... and the mirror shimmers with magic! Iskander and Dorian look away in time, but Swan sees the truth of the world. He's a huge flesh golem! And so are his compatriots!
- Iskander tries to destroy the mirror, but his mirror-self stabs him back! This mirror has some sort of magic!
- "Wererats" and "ghouls" arrive because they heard the commotion. The ghouls are simply women with the nails painted yellow, bringing up some disturbing implications on the origin of the "ghoul milk".
- Swan in his pain and confusion tries to punch a wererat, but it's immune to non-magical damage! The others see him pull his punch, somehow the magic-addled "flesh golem" knows he can't hurt wererats?

- The others back away, backs to the mirror, and we end the session on a classic cliffhanger, very confused...

Total: 10000 exp

Loot:
- 1400 obols in Zelda rupees (1400 exp)
- Silver puritan hat (300 exp)

- Painted egg (broken)

Total: 1700 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Aka-san the Valkyrie (250 exp)
- "Damnation Snels" (250 exp)
- Several false were-rats (40 exp)

Total: 540 exp

OOC:
tbc

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 61698 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 49324 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 4 Inheritor: 10797 (Level up at 18000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Mutation Cap! +1 Meat Point! +1 Backstory!

Session 315 - Behold a Dog!

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- Damien DeMone's sire is the Dharga itself. As we all know, the Dharga was formed when Dargo sacrificed his life to contain Styx - a selfless act if ever there was one. +1 to selfless acts

Events:

--- Monster Mash

- We open on the party entering a new area - a well-furnished but somewhat shabby zone evoking Sir Robyn, rich in plush velvet and wine stains.
- There's the sound of a party from behind a door, so of course they go to investigate! Inside are four satyrs dancing around a gently rotting banquet table, drinking cheap wine from a gold cup and generally having a good time!
- Given that this is a party made up of Didogenes the dog, Damien Demone the shape-shifting demon, Laddie the giant 8-foot-tall hooligan who tagged along from last session and Celebus the Necromancer covered in dried blood, dried wine, and mostly-dried faeces, the satyrs immediately assume that the party are fellow monsters and invite them to their beggar's banquet!

- It's time for a pub crawl around the dungeon!
- The next room is a large amphitheatre with ominous boss music. The satyrs tell the party not to worry, only PCs set off the boss. Onwards!
- The final room of the zone is... an off-license! Celebus buys armfuls of suspiciously high ABV beer with names in cyrillic. Didogenes takes the satyr's gold goblet with him into the bathroom and legs it! The rest of the party follow on after while the satyrs discuss splitting a bottle of vodka.

--- Mozzies
- The next area is a meaty Dharga zone! A huge brain pulses overhead on the ceiling of this large chamber, and big mosquito-looking monsters buzz around it.
- The mosquitoes attack, and it is revealed that these are sort of big insect bio-planes piloted by small insect pilots. They peel off into attack groups and whirr at the party!
- Didogenes is first up, power fists flaring with explosive power, and jumps right into the middle of the flock! His explosive pulse damages the drones, but he is now unfortunately right in the middle of the flock. They quickly suck out a bunch of his blood, taking him straight to death's door and causing his power-fists to slip off and clatter to the ground!

- Celebus sets his rope on fire and starts swinging it around his head to make a sort of anti-mosquito field and prevent them from attacking. It works!
- Dorian gambits into the swarm, grabs the fists, and throws them back to Didogenes! Unfortunately he fumbles throw and the fists hit the ground, exploding once again on Didogenes and the swarm!

- Laddie the giant lad sees all this and gets angry! With a loud OI OI OI he charges into the swarm! He wrestles a mosquito, while nearby Didogenes' blood gets drained from his arms.

- Laddie squashes a mosquito, but another two latch onto his back and suck him to death! Noooo!
- Damien grabs onto one of the buzzing bug-planes and flies it towards Didogenes, throwing all the insects off him!
- It's too late for the poor pup though, and with a last "very dead, much F, wow" he bleeds the last drops of his blood out onto the floor.

- Celebus runs in, twirling his fiery rope, and sees a playing card with a lion on it flapping around on the ground. What does it mean?? He grabs it and the lion ROARS! Filling him with LION STRENGTH! Celebus is now swole as fuck with 18 Strength! The fire shield becomes a fire tornado in his newly bulked up arms, and the remaining mosquitoplanes flee!

- Damien holds the dead doge and cries, wailing "he was a good boy". Then he turns into writhing demon clay and absorbs a mosquito, gaining the ability to suck blood!

--- Flat Gnomes
- They move on, sad at the loss of their doggy friend. Thankfully a new friend shows up almost immediately! She is Suspiria, a Magic User, and has designs on being some sort of illusionist. Her familiar is an entity made of smoke.

- The next room has pulsing red walls and a big mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell, in the middle. The powerhouse-like mitochondria has a fanged mouth on it which tries to tempt Celebus by saying that it powers the cell. It doesn't work, so Celebus chucks a mosquito corpse at it to muffle the seductive voice of the cell's powerhouse.
- Suspiria goes into the next room first, pretty gung-ho for a first level wizard, and sees rubies glimmering in the middle of a large fleshy space. She also feels a hand on her ankle! She looks down, and a 2D gnome is reaching at her with a 3D hand!
- Celebus, very strong, lassos her and pulls her back, pulling the rest of the gnome with her! Damien stabs it mid-air, but more of its horrible little 2D friends scamper flatly across the fleshy floor.

- Damien stabs through the skin and into one of the 2D fellows, killing it. Nice!
- Celebus and Damien get papercuts from the long paper-thin halberds the little gnomes wield.
- These guys don't just hurt, they're horrible little guys. Suspiria tries casting Magic Missile and chaos bursts! Shit! But wait, what's this? The spell power gets MAXIMISED?? The enhanced spell blows a door off! She runs for it, and the little flat gnome guys run after her!
- After an exciting chase sequence where she doubles back twice and finally outruns the gnomes, the party meet back up in the gnome room. They eat lots of food to heal, safe for now, and Celebus raises a skeleton.

--- Soul Shackles
- The final room of the zone is a floor of rippling abs. The main thing of note is some magical shackles which the party immediately claim. They shackle the mind as well as the wrists, turning the victim into a mind-slave for a time. Kind of fucked up honestly.
- They leave through a meaty door and enter... a Styx cyber zone!

Total: 5000 exp

Treasure:

- A gold goblet
- Some glittering rubies
- Soul Shackles enslave the mind of the victim

Total:

OOC:
- Death's Witness (Celebus, Damien)

- Remembrancer (Charles)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty)

Exp Totals:

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 55115 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 3 Inheritor: 6717 (Level up at 9000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Cap! +Backstory!

- Tom / Suspiria, Level 2 Magic-User: 2567 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +free spell +Backstory!

Session 314 - Lads Lads Lads!

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

Events:

--- Aemilius Princeps Returns!

- After a long time surveying his Empire somewhere across the blood ocean, the Halfling emperor and allegedly rightful lord of this land returns!

- He makes his way to the party up the lift, somehow, and is immediately trusted implicitly. Also he has a goat. Not mind-controlled though, just well trained.

--- Romans

- Conveniently enough, the next room is full of a fair number of battlescarred Ancient Roman type guys! Aemilius was with them! They also happen to be the hated foe of Anglo-Saxons, and Swan can't help but charge in!
- They're tough, so Swan bravely flees. The party is now running from a bunch of Romans, and conveniently for everyone Aemilius immediately switches sides and joins the fleeing party on goatback.

- The next room has a huge beating heart suspended, pulsing softly, and a grate at the other end which the goat ably charges down! Swan chops one of the arteries suspending the heart and the blood pumps out at a frightening rate, drowning them in blood!

- There's one problem - Swan needs to kill something before he can put away his shadowy summonable sword, so he's stuck with it out.

- They continue on, passing by a convenient way out of the dungeon if they need it! They're about a third of the way up this great big flesh tree. They're fine though, so continue on.

--- Bloodstone
- A big veiny rock greets them in the next room, and it is emphatically non-phallic ok? Blood from the heart is seeping in behind them, getting closer and closer to this rock. Ominous strings play on the soundtrack.
- They skirt round to the exit from the room before the blood reaches the rock, but hang back just to see what happens. Loads of goopy blood blobs erupting from the monolith is what happens! Time to gtfo.

--- Oi oi!

It's a new zone! This time Sir Robyn themed. It's a whole room filled with grapevines and plush furnishings. The goat monches. Aemilius feels right at home! They hang around long enough for the room to magically reform, grapevines fading to reveal a fountain of wine in the middle of the room.
- Also here - a bunch of 8 foot tall four-eyed long-nosed hooligans barge in! They're drunk as hell and well up for a fight!

- Celebus flash-casts Death Rattle on his skeleton doggo and... it's a Chaos Burst! It's not so bad... he just ends up vomiting up his guts all over the floor. The lads are in various states of Stun or Surprise - aka laughing their arses off at the spectacle.

- Swan gets caught up in a wrestle which is awkward because he's got that massive shadow greatsword out and can't fight back easily in close quarters!
- Dorian Demone slides into the gang of lads and gambits... but crit fails! The lads gambit back and fail themselves! Absolute shambles over that way. They fall into a tripod shape and accidentally tangle their long noses.
- Aemilius fucking murders one of them by stabbing his knife-pistol into their gut, then pulling the trigger. He's got that reload skeleton on standby to reload the thing for him. Good shot, sir!
- Another lad has gotten too close to Celebus' vomit and it sets him off too, spewing up his own guts and covering the misbegotten Necromancer with what is probably mostly beer vomit. It's all in the fountain now along with the wine. Yuck.

- Swan kicks his wrestle partner backwards into said wine fountain and follows up with a wide slice that decapitates the guy he was wrestling AND the guy behind him. Now there's blood in the wine fountain too!
- The last guy straight up gives up and is mollified by Aemilius' offer of a special brew. He mourns his fellow hooligans, but accepts that they did kinda start it.

- Celebus tells the big hooligan that he can join the party if he wants... and the guy just kinda goes along with it! They both wash the vomit off in the fountain, so now they're covered in wine and blood AND vomit. Much cleaner.

- Early night at the Mug House so we end early. Next week - my last session before I'm off to Australia for a month!

Total: 5000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of Romans, outpaced and covered in blood. (400 exp)
- A small mob of huge hooligans. (500 exp)
Total: 900 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 57618 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 52448 (Level up at 72000)

- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 3 Halfling: 6612 (Level up at 8000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 2 Inheritor: 4050 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Cap! +Backstory!

Session 313 - A Hammer to Crack a Nut

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Characters:
Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, an Inheritor and devourer of at least one Political Aide and at least one enormous mantis person.

Events:

--- The Case of the Very Drunk Lady
- Before the session starts an absolutely rinsed woman turns up and stares at us while gently swaying. We are saved by a bartender.

--- The Case of the Consumed Corpse
- At the start of the session a big purple Ditto drops from the ceiling and glorps over Amanta's corpse, devouring her body completely then transforming into Amanta but with a Ditto face. This fazes nobody somehow, even Tez who's just shown up at a weird time and witnessed the only person he knows here get eaten.

--- Nutcracker Time
- They leave the previous area where they recently murdered a whole lot of cannibals and move through the halls of the Dharga which shift and morph around them. Soon they arrive at a door - it's another special zone!
- Argument is coming from within, and Dorian slides under the door in goop form. Inside it's the Nutcracker for some reason! Redcoat toy soldier dudes vs Ratmen! They've been locked in spirited on-and-off balletic combat for a while, and now it seems they just yell at each other.

- The soldiers leave when the party enters, and the Ratmen attack! One of the ratmans immediately fucking implodes from an incredible 1-in-8000 chance triple crit fail.

- Swan and Dorian start using the turned-over table in the middle of the room to absolutely crush the fuck out of loads of rats. It's a horrifying scene.

- But what's this?? A life-or-death struggle between Archikneades and a Ratman results in his baguette being slowly pushed into his chest like a knife! The baker dies, and the Extras are no more! Didogenes will have to go on as a lone character forevermore... but at least he's got those blast fists and a surprisingly humanoid appearance now. Yes, Tom is now accidentally playing a doge furry.

- The rest of the rats are finished off by conventional methods - ie. stabbing, whacking and/or crushing with the aforementioned table.

--- Horny Time
- One of the toy soldiers who scarpered earlier pokes his head around the door and thanks the party for killing off their long-hated rat foes.

- They check out the barracks and find that it's also a small library... filled solely with POWERLAD erotica from the glory days. Galaxy Johnson's royalties must be impressive, wherever he is now in the universe.

- The soldier tells the party about the horrible wizard who cursed them to eternal struggle against the ratmen. The party agrees to deal with the problem!

--- Just a Big Guy

- The next room is a big round room with a giant nutcracker in the middle of it! He's clearly there to guard the spiral stair that runs around the room and leads up to a door in the Sistine Chapel-esque domed ceiling.

- Instead of fighting him, party members swallow the necklaces that glorp you inside them and have Swan lob them up there. Easy!
- One downside - the domed ceiling has a whole load of angels and if a Lawful character looks at them they risk being sucked into the painting and becoming a new angel forever! Thankfully the POWERLAD novels have made them too horny to be truly pure of heart, so they save!
- The enter the next room and discover an empty CEO-style desk with a CEO-style name bar saying Drosselmeyer.
- There are also a few more POWERLAD novels! Tez finds a key in a painting and uses it to enter the next room... a room with a Nut Bush. Classic. Also a sleeping woman in a glass case, Sleeping Beauty style.

--- Nut Joke City Limits
-  A swift metagaming session of looking up the plot of the Nutcracker while I'm in the loo ensues. It seems they'll need to feed her a nut. Much is made of various nut-based jokes.
- The nuts are too strong for you, traveller. Even Swan's mighty biceps cannot crack the nut! The Nutcracker is needed!

- They necklace shenanigan down and beg the Nutcracker to crack they nut, which he does! It's his reason for existence after all! A little white baby mouse flops out, asleep.

- They necklace shenanigan back up and put the mouse on the woman's glass case... and it zoops inside and wakes her up! She is indeed the wizard who can turn people into soldiers and crack mice from nuts!

Total: 7000 exp

Loot:

- Quite a number of POWERLAD novels! (600 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of Ratmen (100 exp)
Total: 100 exp

OOC:
- Tom the Chronicler
- George the Expedition Leader

- Kitty the Vanguard

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 55593 (Level up at 64000)

- Ailsa / Tez, Level 3 Barbarian: 7121 (Level up at 8000)

- Tom / Didogenes, Level 3 Fighter: 6025 (Level up at 8000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 1 Inheritor: 2025 (Level up at 2250)

Session 312 - A Nice Sit-Down Meal

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

Events:

--- Butlers and Banquets
- Grand doors swing open and our blood-soaked heroes are greeted by a pair of beaming butlers! The butlers motion for the party to enter, saying that the banquet is ready and the host, Herr Normous, will be down to see them soon!
- It's a grand hall, somewhat gone to ruin, tiled with a blend of the different materials of the zones in this dungeon - black glass, velvet, meat, and so forth.

- Iskander is completely covered in blood so decides to have a wash at the nearby sink. Swan tests the taps, all attached to different types of tile, and finds one that just spews out blood. He drinks it! Celebus meanwhile finds a wine tap and guzzles a few mouthfuls.

- Ablutions sorta complete, they are led through to a dining room! There are enough seats for everyone other than the Extras who have catering off-screen. The guests themselves are the sort of insufferable couple-friends who have a lot of shared jokes and history that you're not really privy to.

- There is also a menu! A real life menu prop, how lovely. The dishes sound pretty tasty, but are they...?

--- Tasty Treats
- Onion soup is the first course and it looks pretty tasty. Iskander excuses himself to go find the toilet, while Amanta moves the soup around the bowl a bunch and pretends to eat it. The Extras try the soup (from the catering trolley of course) and have to save against it! They fail and feel sleepy.
- Celebus tries the next course - glazed pork. He gets a nasty tummy ache and takes CON damage! It was definitely tasty, but now he's got a hurty belly :(
- Amanta tries the third course - mushroom civet - and also fails her save! Everyone in the room can hear her thoughts now! How embarrassing for a dinner party!

--- If I May Be Excused
- Meanwhile, upstairs, Iskander has been on the hunt for a toilet for a little while now. His explorations take him past a rickety floor with loads of kitchen stuff piled in the middle and all the way up to Herr Normous' room! There's no proper toilet, but one of the meat tiles has got a gnashing mouth and well... let's just say that Iskander uses the facilities.

- Herr Normous himself is a huge hairy man, but seems quite friendly. He's just about ready now, so they head down to dinner together... or so Herr Normous thinks! Instead Iskander gambits, pushing Herr Normous onto the pile of kitchen equipment on the rickety floor and jumping so the whole thing falls through!
- They're falling together and about to take some fat falling damage but suddenly Swan the Swift is there! He catches Iskander and they look into each others' eyes for a second... before Iskander leaps from his arms with a strange "I would have been fine, silly" attitude. Fans of the popular Swanskander ship go wild.

--- Fine Young Cannibals

- But what's this? The guests are attacking! They were cannibals this whole time! Who could have known!
- Herr Normous stands up, battered from the fall, and yells at his cannibal guests to charge! It's feasting time! But then he immediately runs away and leaves his guests to it...
- Battle is joined, with the tiresome posho guests effectively wielding their knives and forks to stab at our heroes! It's all going fairly well, Didogenes using his newly acquired power fists to do AoE damage, until out of nowhere the the butlers return and one-two deck the shit out of Celebus! He emergency succs down a Last Breath and sends his minions - a zombie dog and a zombie anime girl - to defend him!
- Swan cleaves elegantly through some of the guests while Amanta gets another one with a mantis claw to the throat. It's a bloodbath... and the guests' morale fails! They flee, except for one who it turned out was faking the posh accent. He's actually Irish and named... Tommy O'Reilly.

--- I Mean... It Does Look Pretty Tasty Though
- With their foes defeated, it's time to take stock. And, well, that food does look pretty good... and there's got to be some upside to eating it right? It wouldn't just be regular poisoned would it?
- Celebus tries some of the pork that gave Amanta a projected telepathy, and actually passes the save! He can now read thoughts of those he's looking at! He reads the thoughts of his zombie minions and discovers that they are in constant agony, spiritual torment, craving an end to this unliving hell. "lol" says Celebus, "lmao".

- Iskander and Swan go upstairs to the kitchen together ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) to check out the next courses, and they're beset by a barrage of knives and spoons! The chefs are still up here! Iskander crits and murders every motherfucker in the room in an orgy of death. Most of it misses the food.
- Celebus continues eating the pork while Amanta and the Meat-Up head on up to Herr Normous' room to check it out. Amanta tries to pick the lock, but breaks it by accident. Bummer! Didogenes uses his doggo power fists to blast down the door instead. Much easier!

- Inside they find some chests with meat in them! Except at least one is alive! A meaty tendril swipes out and pulls an Extra into its gnashing maw! They leave instead of dealing with the meat monster. They've been dealing with too many meat-themed beasties recently anyway.

--- Amanta's Last Bite
- They all gather in the kitchen. Amanta is very very intrigued by the chocolate cake called "Le Marvellous". It's a towering chocolatey confection. Given the way the meals seemed to be getting weirder and more dangerous over time, the chocolate cake should be the most dangerous of all... and that means a good upside right?
- She can't help herself, she needs to try it! She takes a big bite, gobbles it down... and feels her insectoid stomach begin to liquefy. It's a deadly poison cake! She immediately drops to 0HP and gains 14 Trauma poison!

- It's a tense few moments as everyone throws everything they can at saving her life. It's not enough. Her carapace burns through from within, liquefying and dumping part-digested chocolate cake onto the floor as she scrabbles in her final death throes... and dies.

- Iskander, tears in his eyes, knocks back a glass of the pousse-café and almost immediately becomes extremely drunk. A fitting tribute. If they can get her body back out of this place, they'll hold a hell of a funeral.

Total: 7000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Herr Normous (250 exp)
- Many cannibal guests, butlers, and assorted chefs-de-partie (500 exp)
Total: 750 exp

Loot:
- Onion Soup
- Glazed "pork" loin
- Deadly chocolate cake

Total: 0 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler: Charles
- Expedition Leader: Kitty
- Paymaster: Tom
- Quartermaster: Ollie
- Vanguard: George

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 53568 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 50423 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 45581 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 45244 (Level up at 64000)

- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 4 Extras: 8540 (Level up at 14000)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!