Friday, 14 June 2019

Session 228 - Pretty in Kink

A massive session! The ruined village of Kink is entered in order to find and claim the all-important grain from the silo here. It got very wild west there for a while, with the party meeting Pearl and Samuel who come from the town of Enoch up north. Several people in the party seem to have caught "Damselitis" which turns someone into a perfect Cha 18 version of themselves! Privateer Adonis Barrett insists that there are no downsides to this at all.

Andromeda gets a new crush. Adonis Barrett is a sexy pirate. Red hates herself. Zulu fights herself atop a grain silo.
DJ brings an orgy. Grumpy escapes by the skin of his ugly teeth.


Session 228 - Pretty in Kink

14 years after the End.


Character Backstories:
- Zulu: Was forced into a life of “kissing” when she first arrived in this reality. When she moved on, she kissed her clients one last time before slitting their throats. When you kiss a willing person for the first time, gain +1 HP/level for the rest of the session.

- 3000 obols-worth of Church loot (3000 exp)
- A wagonful of unsorted grain (??? exp)
- A lever-action rifle
- A pair of six-shooters
Total: 3000 exp

- 3 swarms of black imps (30 exp)
- 2 quadrupedal lust demons (50 exp)
Total: 80 exp

Overland Exploration:
- Set Forage once (50 exp)
- First party to enter Kink (300 exp)
Total: 350 exp

--- Expedition Night 1: Dinner Time!
- After the day’s adventures, the party reunites at Barrett’s wagon. Zulu is waiting there for them, mildly miffed that her foraging attempt on the way came to naught. DJ, by contrast, found a long-legged Skip-Rat! It looks a bit like a kangaroo rat, and tasty!
- Expecting some demonic trickery and in the absence of the suspicious-of-long-potato Snels, Grumpy cooks up some Christ’s Gift. A bonus to fleeing rolls will come in handy if there's anything dangerous in Kink!
- Nearby, Zulu cooks up her specialty! African Frazzlerat! Skip-Rat based meal, beans, potato, and some dried and rotten Frazzlejack that she insists is still good. It’s pretty tasty though! Fittingly for a Skip-Rat-based meal, it reduces fall damage.
- They settle down for the evening as the melancholy mists cloak the world in sad softness. Grumpy fixes up Andromeda’s armour for her after she clears the muck off it and the night rolls on uneventfully.

--- Expedition Day 2: Cocaine Coaster!
- The morning arrives with an unwelcome spattering of rain that works its way up to a real downpour over the course of an hour. Barrett, getting the wagon ready as the others decamp, sees something awful - the rain is eating away at his clothes!
- He takes off all his clothes and slams Notcoke and Otherpot at the same time through his Hotbox Helm, hoping they’ll balance each other out. The combination of drugs sends him to new heights! The others are barely able to get the tents and equipment onboard before he cracks the reins and sends the wagon careening off along the road, acid rain burning his exposed skin.
- They blast down the road at rapid speed, the cobbles blurring under the rattling wheels. The wagon’s cover begins to leak as the acid rain sizzles through, but those within are protected for now. Grumpy creates a glyph-based umbrella for himself.
- Kink’s church spire gets closer and closer through the sheeting rain, and as they get close to the gate a gunshot rings out! Those in the wagon see a horrifying quadrupedal black-masked monster leaping towards the wagon get shot in mid-air! It bounces and rolls onto the road behind them, sizzling and evaporating.

- Silhouetted in the dawn light is a rifle-wielding figure sitting astride a horse. She beckons with one hand and hollers, “Into the gate now y’all! There’s more varmints out there!” and rides to raise the gate.

--- The Ol’ Frontier
- Barrett brings the wagon to an unintentionally graceful stop inside the town. The woman drops the gate and takes her horse into a large stable-sized tent. She’s wearing full survival gear, although it looks very little like the party’s New Moondin gear. Lots of shining buckles and a wild west aesthetic.
- Barrett, still high as a fucking kite, chucks his helmet at her. She looks at him in consternation, hand going to her holster, until Grumpy talks her down and explains the drugs. As a former Zeanist, she gets it.
- She’s unfamiliar with their survival gear, and shocked and impressed to hear that a whole colony of survivors has survived in New Moondin! She calls out to her partner Samuel to tell him the good news!
- Most of the houses in this town have wide circular holes through them, and she directs the party towards one the only one in sight that’s been fixed up and sealed. A handsome curly-haired young man pokes his head out of the door and invites everyone inside.
- Their names are Pearl and Samuel, and they profess to being from the town of Enoch up north - rebels who left the supposed paradise of Fate. Samuel goes out to grab some food for the guests as the others question Pearl which a thousand and one questions.
- Grumpy and Barrett’s eyes go wide as they notice Pearl’s armaments - a pair of six-shooters and a lever-action rifle that glows softly from within! She tells them they’re gifts from a gunsmith up in Enoch and they’re not to be examined thank you very much.
- She’s not sure where the “varmints” are coming from, but they know that they’re coming for Samuel who caught a disease off of a lust demon he murdered. That’s about the time that Samuel comes back in with the most exciting thing yet - a CHICKEN!
- DJ’s jaw drops. It is indeed a Ferfect Chicken - the over-feathered fast-running chicken that’s adapted to survive the poison. Of course chicken is a holy sacrament to the worshippers of Galaxy Johnson, so this is amazing!
- Samuel explains that he fought a great lust demon in Kink when they first arrived together, and unfortunately caught “Damselitis”. It made him a poor fighter and caused these waves of lust demons to start coming to hunt him down and need protection from his darlin’ Pearl.
- He mentions their old drug habit and the party reveals they’re stocked up on SO MANY drugs! He can’t fucking handle it and Pearl sends him away before he goes drug-crazy! Pearl tells the party off for trying to get Samuel hooked on that filth.
- Half the party try to persuade Pearl to come back to Moondin with them while Barrett and DJ teamchat a murderous plan. Just then, there is a loud moaning echoing through the rain. Pearl tells the party to get ready - a wave of demons is coming in!

--- Demon Attack!
- Barrett tries to quickly saw off the end of his beam rifle to create a sawn-off beam rifle. This destroys the beam rifle.
- The party stack up on either side of the gate, crouching behind the waist-high walls or on the higher platforms either side of the gate itself.
- Skittering up the road towards them are a few swarms of small latex-black imps and a couple of the bulky quadrupedal varmints. Beams lance out and arrows fly, taking out the bigger varmints immediately!
- Pearl takes out a grapnel gun and fires it at a nearby roof, zipping up to a crows nest. Andromeda sees this and is a tiny bit in love!
- The swarms keep coming, and Barrett rides forth with the wagon! He snorts a ton of coke through his hotbox helm and crashes straight through the gate, sending wood flying and smashing the whole gate asunder, then flicks the reins and drives into the swarms! The swarms jump on board, fruitlessly clawing at Barrett’s armour.

- Grumpy follows along with a big sack! He scoops a few of the imps into the bag, hoping to boil them down into dick-healing azoth, while Barrett recklessly smashes some imps while they claw at his face!
- A poorly aimed beam from Zulu hurts Barrett and Andromeda runs out to destroy the last few imps with her massive hammer. Victory!
- As Barrett drives back in through the destroyed gate he makes a bird call signal! Everyone looks around in confusion, there’s literally no plan. Andromeda stares daggers at Barrett and Zulu, sure that this was some sort of flubbed plan to murder Samuel even though he’s nowhere in sight.

--- Barrett Makes a Dang Fool of Himself
- Barrett approaches Pearl in a threatening manner because he’s high as a kite. She whips out her pistol and warns him not to come closer, firing a warning shot over his head, and Grumpy kicks him down. What the hell was that about?
- She shouts that she wants nothing to do with him and they’d better get Barrett tied up and locked away, otherwise she’ll kill him. Zulu steps forward with a rope and ties him up, then leads him away to “find a place to lock him up”.
--- Rootin’ Tootin’ Church Lootin’
- The rest head towards the Church on the way to the grain silo. It’s dark and sepulchral inside, those wide circular holes peppering the doors and floor, pews overturned and only a single stained glass window intact.
- Nevertheless there are valuables within! Monstrances, finely carved crucifixes, silk chasubles, everything goes into the sacks to be taken back to New Moondin.

--- Barrett and the Imposter
- The rest of the party walk off into the rain towards the Church, and the two of them converse as they head towards the wagon. The main thrust of the conversation - the demons are coming for Samuel. If they just kill Samuel the demons will stop coming, right? If they can make it look like an accident, they’ll even stay on Pearl’s good side.
- That’s a story for another time though. More important is to stick to the original plan - hit up the grain silo, fill up the wagon with valuable grain, and take it safe and sound to New Moondin.
- Barrett goes to scout ahead while Zulu gets the wagon ready, stealing quietly through the streets of Kink towards the grain silo. He avoids the church. He can see the party’s lights moving around in there - probably exploring or looting - and he doesn’t want to let on that he is not, in fact, locked up safely somewhere.
- He catches a glimpse of himself in a broken window. He looks so fucking cool. Rugged good looks and the fanciest hat one could imagine. A sexy pirate for sure.

- He hears the clopping of hooves and a low rumbling like a wagon quietly rolling over cobbles. Did Zulu take the cart without him? He peers along an alleyway towards the main street. The wagon rolls past and he locks eyes with the driver - it’s an imposter version of him! Worse, the imposter’s got all Barrett’s stuff!
- The imposter slumps over, and he sees Zulu punch them on the arm. Barrett feels it on his own arm, but how?! The wagon keeps going past the alleyway opening, and he feels a sense of vertigo and a thump to his side as Zulu kicks the imposter off the wagon.

- Barrett sneaks along the wall towards the imposter and checks for a pulse - barely breathing. He takes all his gear from the body and walks away towards the grain silo. Behind him, the body evaporates into mist as the acid rain burns it away.

--- Zulu vs Zulu
- Zulu reaches the grain silo with the wagon nice and easy. It’s a large smooth lozenge on rusted metal legs - clearly created by glyphbending before the apocalypse. She positions the wagon under the grain chute and climbs up on top of the silo to check if the lid is still sealed.
- Alarmingly she finds that the seal has rotted through over the years, leaking water into the grain within. Hopefully it’s not all gone bad. She takes a moment to admire her genuinely striking good looks in the patinaed metal of the silo lid.
- She heads back to the ladder and is surprised to see Barrett alive and well coming along the road towards the silo! There’s a moment of horror as she looks down the silo towards the wagon - an oafish and lumpen clone of her is down there fiddling with the grain chute! And the clone’s stolen all of her equipment!
- Wasting no time, Zulu challenges the shoddy replica to a duel! The false Zulu’s confidence clearly wavers as she climbs, challenged by her inferiority to the true Zulu.

- They clash on the roof of the silo, wrestling in the pouring rain. Zulu gets the upper hand and forces the replica back, but suddenly Barrett appears over the edge of the silo! He’s so dashing and handsome that Zulu briefly loses concentration, trips backwards, and falls off the silo!

- The replica’s spear shears past her perfect face as she falls and splats into the muddy ground below. She’s just struggling to climb back up and finish the fight when Barrett shouts down some surprising information - the replica melted in the acid rain! It’s dead!
- He faints dramatically to the ground and when he comes to they work together to pour the grain into the back of the wagon. If they had time they’d be able to sort the clean grain from the spoiled, but they don’t bother. Those lust demons could be back any minute!
- Wagon filled up with mixed grain, Barrett flicks the reigns with a flourish and directs them back to the gate. Zulu leans her head on his shoulder and asks him to kiss her, but he sexily plays hard to get.

--- Grumpy’s Quest
- The Church looters get back to the gate with sacks full of treasure, only to discover that the wagon’s gone! What the hell? What gives?
- Grumpy takes a detour into a ruined house with a kiln, probably once a potter’s shop. His plan is to boil the imps in his sack down into goop, strain that goop, then rub the strained goop on his dick. This, he hopes, will revert his penis to flesh.
- He starts up the kiln and sets a pot to boiling, and with a start he notices someone looking at him through the broken window. It’s him! But handsome and with a full beard! And he’s got his dick out for some reason, making it extremely obvious that he’s both endowed and fleshy.

- Grumpy runs. He can almost physically feel his flaws, his shames, his inadequacies. He’s trash, just an ugly Dwarf with a stone dick and a perverted plan to rub demon juice on his junk. Why did he ever think that was a good idea? What an idiot.
- He flees out the door and past Red and Andromeda who see the real Grumpy emerging from the potter’s shed after him. Andromeda exclaims, “what the hell did you do with that azoth? Did you duplicate yourself?” to which the real Grumpy replies, “I think I did! I accidentally made it with the azoth! Plus it stole my stuff!”
- Grumpy, the lesser Grumpy, hares round a corner and out of sight. Andromeda follows close behind and they find themselves running alongside Barrett and Zulu’s wagon as they ride back towards the road. How convenient! Also they both look fantastic.
- Grumpy and Andromeda grab onto the sides of the wagon and reach the gate where they see a relieved looking DJ with the treasure. Pearl, standing next to him, is enraptured by Barrett when he extends a hand to her from on high, “darlin’, everythin’s forgotten. Let’s ride away together!”. She takes his hand and he pulls her up next to him, to jealous glances from Zulu.
- Grumpy and Andromeda pile in and Grumpy yells “I know how damselitis is spread! We gotta go!”. DJ chucks the sacks of church loot into the cart and the overladen wagon rolls off through the sheeting rain. There’s one question - where the fuck is Red?

--- Red Hates Herself
- Back near the potter’s shed, Red is chatting to the real Grumpy, thinking he’s a new friend. He says some suspicious bullshit so Red grapples him in a friendship wrestle! He’s too strong though, and he gets her in an armlock, turning her to see a figure emerging from an alleyway. It’s Red.
- Red is used to seeing better versions of herself through time and assumes this is no different. She spits a horrendous tide of vitriol, criticising shoes and clothes and hair and stance and everything else. The pretty Red stumbles back into the alleyway, horrified, and runs off crying.
- Red laughs, dominant, and finally focuses her attention on Grumpy. He thought he had her in a lock, but it was a trick! She artfully breaks the hold and lifts him up from behind, legs dangling, and takes him towards the gate to ask the party what she should do.
- Through the rain, she sees the party rolling off in the wagon. And more importantly… the Grumpies lock eyes. The lesser Grumpy on the cart cries out in horror and frustration! Why would she bring the other one here!? Doesn’t she know it’s draining her charisma?!
- He dives out of sight, a bundle of depression barely holding on with 1 Charisma left. An insanely unlikely escape.

--- Redbowl
- Suddenly, to the surprise of all, there is a thump as something detaches from underneath the wagon… it’s Red! The real Red! She smoothly rolls to her feet, hair swirling like a shampoo ad in the sheeting rain, and strides towards the false Red holding the real Grumpy hostage.

- The false Red releases her hostage, who scrambles back to the sidelines as both Reds clash in the downpour. The lesser Red is visibly wearing down despite her equipment advantage, subconsciously recognising her clear inferiority despite her loathing of all other Reds through time.
- The lesser Red holds her own, but it’s not enough. Psychologically crippled by contact with her perfect self she runs off back towards the wagon, but it’s too slow. She won’t make it in time.
- Suddenly a hand reaches down from above! It’s Barrett, riding behind Zulu on her giant antelope! He swings her up onto its back, where she’s helped to seat herself by… DJ? There are four people riding this thing?!
- DJ “accidentally” gets his hand trapped under her butt, and she feels the warming healing magic of Galaxy Johnson suffusing her body! She’s healed! Red looks back as they ride away and gets a last, crippling look at the real Red. So beautiful, so confident, so socially adept. It nearly kills her. Like Grumpy, she’s got 1 Charisma left.

--- Expedition Night 2: Escape to the Mourning Wood
- The wagon rolls on, laden with grain. Zulu, grand and beautiful, refuses to let the ugly husks of Grumpy or Red sit at the front of the cart. They are far too coarse and earthly for ones such as her and Barrett. Pearl looks worried, staring back towards Kink, concerned for Samuel’s safety.
- They park up near their trail through the stone mist of the Mourning Wood and head towards the protected shelter of the ruins. On the way there, Red breaks off a stone branch and holds it to her crotch exclaiming, “look! I’m Grumpy!”. DJ laughs uproariously while a stony-faced Grumpy stomps off, curling his emotions up inside where they can fester.
- When they arrive at the ruins and encamp, Barrett explains to Pearl that her husband’s been dead a long time - the man she knew was a fake. With Barrett’s cool and handsome demeanour, this works! Pearl kisses him and despite an interruption from excessively socially inept Red, they head off into the woods for a tryst.
- Zulu grabs a lantern and follows them from a distance. She wants that lever-action rifle. She’s so focused that she doesn’t see DJ following behind, suspicious of her motives.
- DJ was right! He sees Pearl and Barrett in the midst of foreplay, with Zulu sneaking up to grab the gun! He calls forth a miracle to head off the theft - Incite Orgy! We fade to black, sounds of ecstacy floating through the trees…

--- Grumpy Loots the Ruins
- In the ruins, Red is talking incessantly to Grumpy. She hasn’t apologised, probably hasn’t even realised that she offended him. He stumps off deeper into the ruins, into the darkness where only he can see so she can’t follow. The first lines of “99 bottles of beer on the wall” follow him.
- Red sees him go and decides to try to summon Sir Robyn by saying his name three times into a mirror and other such stuff. She receives a note in her lap saying that Sir Robyn is dead and he’s left a whole tower of knowledge and treasure to her! She doesn’t know what to make of it.
- He passes by the stone corpse of the Mother and the hippo-centaur women, through an ablution chamber with an asbestos curtain he definitely does not touch, and into a bedroom all turned to stone.
- While most is grey and valueless, he does find a Dwarven book carved on thin leaves of stone. It’s a book on Muscle Wizardry, and he perks up in the hopes of finding something in there that might reverse his “cock block”.

--- Expedition Day 3: A Terrible Theft
- In the morning, Pearl wakes up lying on a coat. She looks around, seeing DJ sleeping peacefully nearby. She vaguely remembers the sexy pirate revealing that his first name is Adonis, but neither he nor Zulu nowhere to be seen.
- She reaches for her gear and screams in anger. Her guns are gone!

--- Smash Cut
- Zulu and Adonis Barrett are absolutely loaded up with guns, sunlight glinting off their gear, tearing along on the back of a giant antelope as it gallops through the early morning rain! Being away from the village drained their Wisdom, so Adonis yells a mighty “yeehaw!” as they ride back to Kink!

Total: 3850 exp

Team Bonus:
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Coitus boners
- Classic Charles bonus
- Diplomancy bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Chase bonus
- Dramatic Escape bonus
- High as Fuck bonus
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus
- Internecine Strife bonus
- Leave a Man Behind bonus
- Masterchef bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong bonus
Total: 800 exp

Individual Bonus:
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Ollie / Zulu - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Ollie / Zulu - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (Tom / Barrett - 100 exp)
- Triage (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Chef (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp) - Art Attack bonus (Tom, Carter, Timothy, Charles - 100 exp ea.) - Artapalooza bonus (Carter - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Tom, Charles, Ollie, Timothy - 500 exp ea.)

Exp Totals: - Kitty / Andromeda, Level 6 Laddite Cleric: 28366 (Level up at 56000) Level up: +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Starting Faith! +Backstory! - Tom / Adonis Barrett, Level 6 Specialist: 24689 (Level up at 48000) Level up: +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory! - Tim / Red, Level 5 Fighter: 24066 (Level up at 32000) - Ollie / Zulu Snakebite, Level 5 Barbarian: 20372 (Level up at 32000) - Charles / Dustin Johnson, Level 5 Intergalacticist Cleric: 19521 (Level up at 28000) - Carter / Granite "Grumpy" Ironjaw, Level 4 Grudgesmith Dwarf: 9123 (Level up at 17600) Level up: +1d10 HP! +Improved Saves! +Backstory!