Tuesday, 28 July 2020

Session 276 - Premonitions of a Space War

Potentially the penultimate online session, and Red has finally broken that famous L8 glass ceiling! We're set up for an alien invasion, and George has kindly provided the following soundtrack to get us in the mood: https://youtu.be/5-3D8VitOkA

Session 276 - Premonitions of a Space War

- A blue mould zombie guy (100 exp)
- A cavalcade of Dwarf-things (500 exp)
Total: 600 exp


--- Return to the Anomalous Subsurface Environment
- With the potential real-world return to the pub in sight, the DM has prepared nothing other than a genuinely massive dungeon beneath the lunar surface. It shall have to do!
- Our heroes descend into the dungeon via the friendly robot-controlled Gatehouse and walk down the lengthy set of stairs. They can hear screeching voices ahead… and when they investigate they find a couple of post-evolutionary Dwarves having a shouting match. They are left well enough alone.
- Picking a direction, they head south through the really big hall, through a smaller empty room, and at a junction they discover a broom closet. Exciting stuff.
- One of the corridors leads to a pair of rooms, one which contains some sort of tech-coffin, the other which contains a humanoid figure mostly consumed by bright blue mould. Both have switches, secret doors, and presumably some way to open said secret doors.

--- Corpse A into Slot B
- Obviously the thing to do is to pop the corpse in the coffin and see what happens! What happens next will shock you - the corpse comes into some sort of horrific half-life and comes for the party! After a bit of messing around they slam the door on it and escape.
- Messing about with the switches and the secret doors comes to naught. They continue.

--- I Have One Big Mouth And I Must Constantly Scream
- The next room is large and has overhanging balconies. Very grand. Some clicks and whirrs harbinger an attack from a load of Dwarf-Things which screech from the ceiling! Much damage is taken before Red barges through the next door, everyone gets through, and after a couple of shots into an enraged Dwarf-thing that was trying to push its way through the door is firmly shut.
- Now once more safe-ish, the gang go onwards, safe in the knowledge that if things get hairy Scarlet Eclipse can warp them out of there.

--- The God of Exposition
- They soon stumble into a room with a big matte black surface set into one wall. This is no blackboard - it’s a telly! They try to turn it on, and lo and behold hooded skull-face of the Dead God appears upon it! Against the odds, Scarlet Eclipse quite likes the guy, seeing as he has no illusions about whether he’s artificial.
- The Dead God delivers the spicy exposition we all crave - information on what sort of bullshit’s going to go down when we can finally return to Earth, in-game and out.
- It’s all happening! Red Elves from Mars are coming to Earth, Eris’ absence from the space defence network leaves the world vulnerable, and all this while the world is still in the grip of poison storms! What could go wrong?

Total: 5000 exp

Exp Totals:
- Tim / Red, Level 8 Duellist Fighter: 128345 (Level MAX)
Level MAX: +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble tables! +backstory!
- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 107845 (Level MAX)

- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 34762 (Level up at 36000)

Tuesday, 21 July 2020

Session 275 - Is this a JoJo Reference?

Session 275 - Is this a JoJo Reference?

New Backstory:
- Jeremy Wizard got one last shoutout from his favourite e-girl in the Styxtrix before getting booted forever. When you first kiss a willing person, gain +1 HP/level for the rest of the session.
- A big red glowing gem (12000 exp)
Total: 12000 exp

- Some Iounians (400 exp)
- The Pillarmen (750 exp)
- The Worm Heart (750 exp)
Total: 1900 exp


--- Monkey Beers
- Resting up at Shrub-Nigeria’s shack, the party decide that they’ll need some proper gifts for the bogan space monkeys when they go back to the worm dungeon. Conveniently there’s a dodgy off-license in Shrub’s house! They buy a bunch of punny beers - Spacial Brew, Stellar Artois, Fostars, all that good stuff!
- They head back to the worm cave, buy off the grateful monkeys with their cheap space-piss, and go inside!

--- Broken Rules
- The yoga Iounians are still in the entrance! They again offer to wrestle someone for the right to enter the worm… but after a blistering metapod-esque parry-off Red decides to cheat! Using the “power of friendship” as a weapon, she sics Ratman’s clangers on him and laughs as they chew out his guts! It’s brutal!
- The other Iounians come in to assist their fallen brother, and there is nearly deadly combat until Scarlet Eclipse manages to defuse the situation! The weeping Iounians wave the party in.
- Scarlet Eclipse wants to defeat the “Pillar Men” while Red wants to see the worm’s anus for some reason. They take a quick trip to the butt and Red dies a streak into her hair with the worm’s purple arse-blood.

--- Karragoth’s Soul
- They pass through Karragoth’s room, having a quick chat with him. He’s a bit miffed that the party killed his shadows - those are part of his soul! He also asks the party not to break his actual soul, which is a glowing red gem in the room of the pillar men.
- After a bit of chat and a brief detour through a private Dwarf chapel, the party roll out to the pillar men room. Unfortunately they’ve got to go through that orange mist again, but luckily everyone but Jeremy Wizard gets a Constitution buff!
- They enter and a voice booms out WHO DISTURBS THE HEART OF THE WORM CAVE. Combat is joined when one of the pillar-men nearly hits Jeremy Wizard with a sneak attack to the balls! The glowing red gem of the Worm Heart unwraps many glowing limbs and begins shooting eye-beams at people!
- Everything devolves into one big Jojo reference. Highlights include Scarlet Eclipse yelling “MUDAMUDAMUDA” as he wailed on a statue, Red knocking the Worm Heart down with a gambit, Jeremy Wizard spamming Magic Missile via blood magic until a Chaos Burst covers the room in crystal flowers, and Ratman smashing the piss out of things with his electric hammer.
- The final blow to the Worm Heart is - what else? A hamon-infused punch to the core from Scarlet Eclipse!

--- Change Your Heart
- They grab the gem and leave via Karragoth’s room. Stealing his heart has caused him to undergo some sort of mental change - he can now only speak the truth! He no longer has the imagination to make up bullshit prophecies! The monks are going to be pissed.
- They roll on home after some light exposition. A successful trip!
Total: 5000 exp

Exp Totals:
- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 125745 (Level up at 128000)
- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 105245 (Level up at 192000)
- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 76094 (Level up at 144000)
- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 7 Cleric of the New Eden: 58711 (Level up at 112000)
Level Up: +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Faith! +Backstory!

- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 32162 (Level up at 36000)

Tuesday, 14 July 2020

Session 274 - War of the Clangers

Session 274 - The Dwarven Moon Landing

New Characters:
Stanley Legbuff
- Gems from the Dwarf lunar lander (5000 exp)
- Soup Dragon soup
Total: 5000 exp

- A Red Elf, spooked (250 exp)
Total: 250 exp


--- Escape Plan
- Appearing at the entrance of the stone worm dungeon after Scarlet Eclipse’s spell pulled them back out, the party is once again badgered by startlingly antipodean monkeys. Scarlet sells them some ket to get them off his back.
- They head back to Shrub’s shack and buy a few potions for good luck. Shrub Nigeria says that he’s heard the site of the original Dwarven moon landing is nice this time of moon-year, so the gang decide to head off that way. Shrub even lets them borrow his bananamobile!
--- Ancient History
- They reach the site and see that there’s a big headless stone figure crouching in a small crater. In the area around it are multiple interesting things - a couple of stone monoliths (one broken), a big toilet-shaped rock, strange equipment, that sort of thing.
- The toilet rock is obviously the most pressing thing, and inside they see just a ton of poo in individually-wrapped bags. Just like the real moon landing!
- Another device nearby has a big fist on it, seemingly used for pounding moon dust into solid moon-brick. Ratman stamps a commemorative coin.
- While they’re messing with it, the eye on top of the monolith across the way lights up and sends a beam of radiation towards the party! They all take damage, and Red grabs a shiny retroreflector off the ground as a shield.

--- Tiny War
- They advance towards the monolith behind the shield, noticing some sort of tiny war going on as they pass by the kneeling statue. Small pink Clangers fight against motile moon rocks twice their size on the slopes of the knee-high crater. The moon rocks seem to be winning!
- The war rages around their feet, and suddenly Scarlet Eclipse is fired upon by some sort of magic weapon from elsewhere! A sniper? It’s all happening!
- Jeremy realises he’s got a potion that can help - Clairaudience! He hears where the sniper is, and Red dashes over to the sounds. There are three-toed footprints around there and she hears blurbling voices. Red Elves!
- She makes some spooky noises to spook them, and the Elves bug out in their shimmering soap bubble spaceship.

--- Talking to Everything
- The rest of the party is close enough to the eye-topped monolith that it can’t aim down at them. Beepbox uses a miracle to talk to it. It’s programmed to shoot non-Dwarves and it’s been here since a little while after the moon landing to keep the place pristine. It hasn’t seen anyone in ages.
- They put a bucket over the eye to deactivate the beams and move on.
- Near some ancient moon-mining experiments they see a large metal hatch. They knock on it, and a dragon comes out! It’s the Soup Dragon! It makes soup and exploits Clanger labour! They get some delicious soup.
- They finally investigate the moon lander and see that the head was a re-entry vehicle and the body was a big golem thing. Neat! Also it’s got valuable gems in it. Beepbox decides that it belongs in a museum and talks to it, finding out that it was manufactured in (where else) Dwimmermount! Is there anything that mountain can’t do?
- Most of the party work to get the lander back to Shrub-Nigeria’s house. Ratman stays behind for a while, using his rats to turn the tide of the battle versus the moon rock monsters!
Total: 5000 exp

Exp Totals:
- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 121965 (Level up at 128000)
- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 101465 (Level up at 192000)
- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 72314 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell! +Backstory!
- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 6 Cleric of the New Eden: 54931 (Level up at 56000)
- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 28382 (Level up at 36000)

- James G / Stanley Legbuff, Level 1 ???: 1709 (Level up at 2000)

Tuesday, 7 July 2020

Session 273 - Mantis Monks and Deranged Dwarves

A delve into a big worm, encounters with semi-peaceful insectoids, and a betrayal by a real dick of a Dwarf.
Par for the course, really!

Session 273 - Mantis Monks and Deranged Dwarves

New Backstory:
Ratman was followed home by a terrible thing - the gene-splicer that worked on his mother to create a horrible hybrid ratman-baby. Yes! It’s true! Ratman the Ratman was of human woman born… truly horrifying. Once per session, cause the most terrible threat on the local encounter table to show up somehow.
- Several Iounian monks, defeated nonlethally. (500 exp)
- A mad Dwarf, or so you thought. (500 exp)
Total: 1000 exp


--- Monkey Business
- During a bit of necessary admin, Shrub-Nigeria tells the gang about some adventurey places he’s heard about nearby. There’s the megadungeon of course, but he’s also heard interesting things about a worm’s gullet and some chat about how the Dwarven moon landing site is nice this time of moon-year.
- They choose the worm, since he reckons there’s treasure in there, and soon arrive at the cliffside where the streaming maw of a great big sandworm-type thing is jutting from the moon-rock.
- Squabbling moon-monkeys in bubble helmets jabber from the cliffside, accompanied by big brine shrimp that float through the air. They extort some treasure from Red to let the party through into the worm’s mouth.

--- Yoga Session
- Inside are a bunch of insectoid Iounian monks doing freaky six-limbed yoga poses. The party watch until the session is complete, then have a chat. Apparently you’re not allowed in unless you can defeat one of their number in single combat!
- Red ignores all ritual and dives at one of the Iounians, pummeling it with the pommel of her dagger! She nearly pins it, but the Iounian open-palm-strikes her away. She goes into a defensive stance and the insectoid fails to take the bait, sitting down in meditation until she’s ready to continue.
- After a dramatic sequence of attacks where the Iounian’s flurry of blows nearly knocks Red out, a last desperate flying-elbow attack knocks the insect out cold! Victory for Red! Unfortunately her wounds are great, and she passes out herself soon after. Still a victory!
- Beepbox heals Red’s wounds and Jeremy Wizard heals her armour with his Mending. Sick ones.
- Beepbox also necks a potion and discovers it to be similar to the one Red had last session, granting him immense strength! Time to roll before it wears off.

--- The Mad Dwarf
- They follow the coil of the great worm, which breathes gusts of fetid breath. They discover places where passages have been carved through the innards of the worm and into moon-rock beyond.
- They soon come to a place where a crying Dwarf chips away at a stone, carving it into a statue. He is surrounded by several Iounian monks, who say that this mad Dwarf sometimes speaks wisdom and ancient koans for them to meditate upon. His name is Karragoth Shibboleth.
- The Iounians warn that the party may come no further, lest they wish to see the Ancient Art of These Hands. Fighting words!
- Beepbox’s immense strength barrels him into one of the Iounians, the others joining the fight now that it’s started! Jeremy gets btfo’d by a couple of open-hand crits from the Iounian monks. The mad Dwarf joins in, summoning an axe to his hand, but Red easily parries a flurry of blows. Back on form!
- Ratman comes in with his new flesh-hammer, Echo Doom, which speaks in his mind of its wishes and abilities - very good vs undead, not so good vs living.
- The battle turns against the party, and Scarlet Eclipse reveals himself as - what else - a far-future descendent of Snels! He punches the ground and unleashes a shockwave of mental energy, forcing those around to witness visions of the apocalypse!
- The Iounians fall to their knees in prayer, kneeling as the expected end of the Moon is upon them. The Dwarf sees through the illusion, but the mental kick seems to have jogged his mind back to lucidity! Jeremy and Red fail, with Red being drawn into her own personal world-end (Sir Robyn is here to take her away) and Jeremy experiencing a life where the internet is down… forever.
--- Dwarven Shadows
- With the combat short-circuited, Beepbox asks the Dwarf about his history. He’s been here for thousands of years, probably, and he carved this cave out himself after lobotomising the big worm. One day the Iounians showed up and seemed chill. He missed the last spaceship off the Moon and he’s been here ever since.
- After a fair bit more exposition, including something about the Goblin Uprising of 1989 and the fact that the Dwarves were mining the moon for Ioun Stones, he lets the party mosey onwards while he looks after these poor Iounians during their apocalyptic visions.
- As they head down some stairs, the Dwarf laughs behind them and locks them in the stairwell! There’s a locked door carved at the bottom of the stairs, with a tiny crack through which shadows are creeping…
- The shadows attack! Thankfully they’re easily despatched by Red’s silver teeth and some magically shanky weaponry, despite Beepbox taking a bit of damage to his Constitution.

--- Spooky Gas and the Dungeon Boss
- Jeremy flesh-goops himself and wriggles under the door, reforming on the other side to open it for the rest. This room has alcoves filled with swirling orange gas, somehow kept in the alcove by intangible glass.
- Ratman hucks a rat into the gas and it comes out extra beefy! Wonderful! Ratman, Jeremy and Scarlet all decide to go into the gas themselves… and find themselves constitutionally weakened. Arse.
- Scarlet at least opens the door to the next room and sees a pulsing red light within. Three stone statues immediately dubbed the Pillar Men boom out - “WHO DARES DISTURB THE PEACE OF THE WORM HEART?”

- “Not us boss!” says Jeremy as Scarlet Eclipse snap-casts Escape Rope and gets them out of there. Phew!
Total: 6000 exp

Exp Totals:
- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 120256 (Level up at 128000)
- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 99756 (Level up at 192000)
- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 6 Magic-User: 70605 (Level up at 72000)
- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 6 Cleric of the New Eden: 53222 (Level up at 56000)

- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 26673 (Level up at 36000)

Tuesday, 30 June 2020

Session 272 - The Black Rose

I can't really believe this, but Ratman the Ratman is now Level 8.
64 rats at a time! Iconic.

Not one but two Big Treasures were found this session, precipitating a rapid rise up through the ranks. Good work!

Also Ollie grants us an exclusive look at Scarlet Eclipse, the boy out of time.

Session 272 - The Black Rose

New Backstory:
Scarlet Eclipse’s mother was threatened by an ancestral vampire enemy. Scarlet Eclipse and a band of muscular friends went on an interplanetary adventure to defeat him and his champions. +2 to hit vs more powerful enemies.

- Potion #168
- Potion #269
- Stygian Rose (10 000 exp)
- Black Rosé (18 000 exp)
- Fine Wine (100 exp)
- 7 gilded birdcages (700 exp)
- 10’ of chain
- Two baggies of Alterket
- Small frog statue (80 exp)
Total: 28880 exp
- 6 bats (30 exp)
- The Marble Knight (750 exp)
Total: 780 exp


--- Into the Mines
- Underground in the Stygian gardens, we begin with the gang in the underground shed room.
- They grab a few gardening tools and swiftly unlock the secret door to the south, coming out into a hidden laboratory. A map and a bronze acorn are on the table, along with several potions. All are taken.
- The map shows a plan for a dig site, and the acorn allows one to speak with intelligent plants! Red takes the acorn to see the talking tree from last session, and basically discovers that the tree-talking puzzle got short-circuited by Beepbox’s powers.
- They head down into a dig site, conveniently enough. Snooping around gets them to a few apparently-collectible pickaxes and an area with some barrels and a strongbox.
- Beepbox tries to open the box, but it’s no good. He takes long enough that horrible sulphurous fumes suffuse the area! They run out with the lockbox and take shelter in the stairwell back up.

--- Batty Old Woman
- They wait it out and go back in, coming face to face with the ghost of Abelia Prem! She confronts them about the theft of her rose (despite, in fact, holding a rose) and the ruckus brings forth bats!
- Red kills the bats.
- They continue and soon find a hole down into depths unknown with a distant pale light. Spoopy.
- They go down the fairly steep flume and come out into an area with a bunch of well-preserved Dwarf corpses.

--- The Rats and the Rose
- Scarlet Eclipse skulls a potion and engages Past Sight, seeing what happened to these Dwarves. They fell down the flue when it collapsed and they all died, except for one who went further in.
- They follow the shade and see him collapse at the edge of a pitch black river, hammer falling from his hand.
- In the present, there’s a rosebush with a single black rose growing at the edge of a black river. Experimenting with the river via rats reveals that it sucks anything that touches it into its depths.
- The rose is plucked, taken by Red as a hair ornament. Some vials of the dark water are taken via Unseen Servant - it hurts living flesh.
- Also found is a hammer tangled up in the briar. It’s made of skin drawn over metal, a little hairy, and warm to the touch. Yuck. Ratman claims it.
- They also try putting some of the bloody water from the tree room above on the bush. It accelerates the growth somewhat.

--- Wine Knight
- With time to spare, they explore more of the place. A side tunnel of the dig site is found to contain a smaller tunnel marked “now we drink” in Dwarven. As they’re deciding what to do, the sulphurous fog starts rolling in! They decide to escape down the smaller tunnel!
- Ratman’s well-suited to the rathole, Jeremy uses a cantrip of Flesh Goop to get floppy enough to fit, Scarlet Eclipse makes do, and Beepbox drinks what he thinks is a Potion of Diminution. Unfortunately it’s a Potion of Delusion and he only thinks he’s small!
- Shenanigans occur, some people get gassed, and they get to the end of the tunnel to find that it’s a sneaky way into the wine cellar!
- They hunt around for some expensive wine and, in a 1/100 chance, find the most expensive wine in the entire place! It’s Black Rosé, created from the grapes that grow upon the black rose bush, and extremely rare. Rumour says it was intended for the Pope.
- Celebrations aside, booming footsteps are heard! It’s the Knight they’ve been warned about!
- Red drinks a potion with a muscle man on it and finds herself incredibly strong! It’s a Potion of Giant Strength baby!
- Red’s incredible strength gives her insane anime powers, and despite Ratman accidentally shooting Beepbox and Beepbox’s delusions of shortness, her ludicrous attack bonus soon brings victory!
- In the aftermath, wine from smashed bottles glugs across the floor and a no-longer-deluded Beepbox celebrates the kill he definitely made by throwing a rat at the statue while small.

--- Old Father Toad
- Using the last of the super-strength, they run about smashing down doors. One corridor has busts with greenery growing out of their heads as hair. Another has gilded cages with songbird skeletons within, which Jeremy swipes into Hammerspace.
- They came across a pool of stagnant water with a big domed window above. Ratman lobs a few rats in and they are pulled underwater one by one. He throws in the rest of the rats, and they die horribly, crying out “whyyyy?!”
- Two big froggy eyes pop out of the water, followed by a big froggy face with a seaweed beard. He calls himself Old Father Toad, and he lives here.
- The party toss him some stuff, and he gives them gifts of his own in trade. Some chain, a small statue of a frog, and some Alterket. Apparently he loooooves ket and can barely feel his tongue, which is odd when you’ve got a tongue as long as his.
- They leave the drugged-up toad and head back to Shrub-Nigeria’s place with no problems on the way. A very successful trip!

Total: 6000 exp

Exp Totals:
- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 118856 (Level up at 128000)
- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 98356 (Level up at 192000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! Max Rats: 64! +Backstory!
- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 6 Magic-User: 69205 (Level up at 72000)
- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 6 Cleric of the New Eden: 51822 (Level up at 56000)
- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 25273 (Level up at 36000)