Monday, 23 January 2017

Session 120 - Homewreckers

Good session! In all my vague ideas of what you guys would get up to in the future, none of them involved a random encounter turning into you guys stealing a massive ship via sex magic and subterfuge.
Makes it easier to assault the Witch-Pirate I guess!

Various rules bollocks so you're all on board with how things work, mostly because they're new and make more sense when you can see the tables -

Books!
Of these you know. I wanted to make bookshelves and libraries more interesting, so it's basically a big old list of topics with a hash code so I can look it up.
The idea is that you ask me questions on the book's subject, and you get better answers depending on the number of books you've got available to reference.

​​Hopefully it makes collecting books and/or researching things more interesting, and gives me ways to dispense game lore!
Spells!
Spellcasters can all swap spells while casting now, not just Clerics. New policy is that if you didn't write down your prepared spells (aka spells in your head) at the start of the day, every spell counts as a spell swap.

​Penalty based on the levels of the spells you're swapping.
+1 Bonus per HP you sacrifice during the swap.
Obviously lower results are metaphysically Worse.

Necromancers don't have to roll on the table, they just deal damage to themselves and everyone around them. 


​-
 Longboat, by Fraser

Also attached are two COMPETING WORDS OF THE LORD from Jade and Lulu.
Such wondrous heresy.

Finally, I'm embarrassingly proud of this recap's title pun -


Session 120 - Homewreckers

Campaign Date:
Wednesday, 3 April, 1550
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Zodiac: Pisces

New Characters:
-
 Hayashi "Jack" Keito, Samurai from the ancient and alien warring states of Nippon, forced to dig graves for himself and family but killed his foes with the sword he was to gut himself with. Dishonoured, he fled on a Dutch ship to Loegria.

New Backstory:
- Jade struggled on the streets of Fortress-City Fate, a lowly whore who was once a courtesan. She stood up to a pimp, but it didn't go well for her. (At will, force a creature to prioritise you)
- Svetnir grew in the goblin ghettoes that lie between Edge and Dwarrow, he left in the hopes of finding fame, fortune, and less entrenched racism. (+1 Constitution)
- Grijze was involved in hideous bio-experimentation alongside a gifted man named Victor. When the creature stirred and they had to flee, the older Grijze demanded that the more talented Victor go on without him! (While fleeing, may grant your flee roll to another)

Enemies Defeated:
- A whole temple-ship! Captured by devious means (500 exp)
- The alleged Lord Joudain, crucified (50 exp)
- The actual Lord Joudain, cured of ennui (500 exp)
Total: 1050 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- A whole temple-ship!
- 100 sp (100 exp)
- Book #249 - Mammals
- Book #209 - The Deep Gods
- Book #193 - Exploration of the New World
- Book #252 - Surgery
- Book #184 - On the Monstrous
- Book #116 - Ur-Darghab, City of the Deeps
Total: 100 exp

Exploration:- Explored one additional room of the Chateau (20 exp)
- 18 miles of travel (60 exp)
Total: 80 exp

Events:

- A tale in two to three parts
-- Team Chateau. Intention: to find the lord of the cursed mansion and kill him.
- After waking and waving goodbye to Jade and Lulu, the rest continue exploring. (50 exp)
- A grand bedroom with... THE GUY! The guy in the paintings! He's just walking around in here! (50 exp)
- Nobody can speak Occitan... except Grijze van Held! Phew. They chat for a bit, Lord Joudain offers to give them a tour of the place. (50 exp)
- Those two guards, Jaume and Miquel, come in and make obvious "oh we'll take care of them, sir" comments, Zan laments the lack of a Sense Motive skill even though he is clearly sensing their motive just fine on his own. (50 exp)
- As the party move along with the guard dudes, Gorund hides behind the curtains and Cranky Jim hangs back to stay near the bedroom. Three-way split! (50 exp)
- The guards ask what the tourists want to see, and they say the wine cellar. Knowing looks and nudging from the guards. But when they get down there, someone's stolen the expensive wine bottles!! (50 exp)
- Grijze and Zan show the guards proper wine tasting with the ghostly wine from the barrels, getting them really very drunk. (50 exp)
- The tour continues, but as they ascend the stairs an old lady is there! She berates them for getting drunk and starts attacking them with her handbag! The others leave them to it, but watch. The ghostly lord of the manor begins to chuckle... (50 exp)
- While this has been going on, Gorund and Cranky Jim have been busy! While Gorund rifles through the bookshelf for interesting tomes, Cranky Jim walks in and tries to talk to Lord Joudain... then shanks him with an iron spike! (50 exp)
- A crit! He disables him instead of killing him, realising as he does so that this guy has some fairly notable differences to the paintings. His eyes are a different colour, and his teeth are a bit wonky. (50 exp)
- Cranky Jim crucifies the pretender against the wall. The "real" Lord Joudain's head forms in the wall and laughs! The Virgin Sword is buried in his wood-textured head... but gets stuck. (50 exp)
- Pissed off, Cranky Jim guts the false Joudain, ties his entrails to a chair, and throws it out the window. Real Joudain is fucking LOVING it. "ohohoho! I sink you 'ave cured mah ennui!" (50 exp)
- The whole house becomes writhing laughing figures! And begins sinking into the ground!! Time to bail, but it's hard when the whole house is laughing figures holding you back to laugh against you. (50 exp)
- Grijze gives his "go on without me!" fleeing die to Zan, who legs it. Svetnir sprints out the front door but tragically leaves his goblin buddy offspring behind. (50 exp)
- Gorund and Cranky Jim run past the still-stuck virgin sword and jump out the second storey window, hoping to use the entrails as a rope to swing on! ... landing harmlessly on the ground a couple of feet below as the chateau tips and breaks apart (50 exp)
- Grijze pulls himself together and, despite the odds, manages to just leap out a tall first floor double door before it sinks below ground level! He stares around as the chateau caves in on itself. Survival for all!  (50 exp)
-- Team Thwarted Admin. Intention: Equipment tables, carousing.
- Jade and Lulu leave the chateau, heading for the river where Lulu's quantum longship is totes tied up. Sure, I guess that's fine. (50 exp)
- Overland trip uneventful except for a rotting cow skull hanging from a tree. They reach the longship in good time. (50 exp)
- Hey, Lulu's quantum ship-look-after guy is here! Hello, Corrin. They unmoor and begin to sail off, scheming about how they'll spend all their money. (50 exp)
- BONG! BONG! A church bell rings... from an enormous and ornate temple-ship! One of these again! It draws up alongside, and a man in obnoxiously ornate armour booms down that they should prepare for inspection. (50 exp)
- Jade's feminine wiles come good once more, and she offers to let him inspect her ;) (50 exp)
- He accepts! Lulu and Jade climb up to the good ship Eppur Si Muove and begin a seduction attempt. I suddenly realise I have to run a sex scene that doesn't fade to black. (50 exp)
- Buttering him up with expensive wine from France, the ladies begin to seduce the surprisingly young, surprisingly inexperienced captain. The first mate closes the door. (50 exp)
- Out the window... fuck! Corrin's sailing off with all the loot! Lulu's luck holds and the temple-ship fires upon him, forcing him to come back. (50 exp)
- Jade tries to sexily magically get him out of his armour with a Chime of Release - and I get to try out the new spell swapping rules! The chime goes off but some of the magic spills out into the world! A golden idol spins garishly in the middle of the room! Jade's face gets uglier! the captain begins to cry golden maggots while screaming! OH FUUU (50 exp)
- Lulu blinks, her tattoos and eyes glowing gold with power. She has absorbed the magic! Thank fuck for that. They begin massaging the now-nude captain again when... he suddenly shudders and begins apologising. (50 exp)
- Mildly amused at his premature predicament, Jade tugs on the Skull Switcher glove and punches him in the face! (50 exp)
- Jade is the captain now. The captain, in Jade's body, panics and goes for the door. Lulu puts a stop to that. (50 exp)
- Striding out onto the deck, Captain!Jade bellows to the crew! Holding aloft a mug of water, s/he tells of the miracle that has been experienced! The Gods have come to this place! By their emissaries, Lulu and Jade! (50 exp)
- S/he splashes the water from the mug everywhere... and it becomes wine! A con involving the Farage Mug, but incredibly convincing! The crew cheer! (50 exp)
- A new target of their religious ire is set - they shall sail out to destroy the dreaded Witch-Pirate of Guernsey! And maybe pick up some other holy crusaders on the way maybe! Huzzah!!! (50 exp)
Total: 1550 exp

Misc:
- Absolutely Disgusting bonus (50 exp)
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus (50 exp)
- Antagonist Antagoniser bonus (50 exp)
- Balls to the Wall bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal Kill bonus (50 exp)
- Diplomancy bonus (50 exp)
- Dramatic Escape bonus (50 exp)
- Fame bonus (50 exp)
- Heresy bonus (50 exp)
- Leave a Man Behind bonus (50 exp)
- Ludicrous Gore bonus (50 exp)
- Master of Disguise bonus (50 exp)
- Mind Control to Major Tom bonus (50 exp)
- Split the Party bonus (50 exp)- Art Attack bonus (Svetnir - 100 exp)
- Fiction Fanatic bonus (Jade - 100 exp)
- Find-and-Replace Fiction Fanatic bonus (Lulu - 10 exp)
- Recap Remembrancer bonus (Gorund - 100 exp)
- Snackbringer bonus (Grijze, Zan, Lulu, Gorund, Svetnir - 100 exp ea.)
- Inspiring Speech bonus (Jade - 100 exp)
Total: 600 exp + bonuses
Rumours:
- Soooooon

Death Toll and Injuries:
- None!?

[[]]

Exp Totals:
Oli / Lulu Spiderbite, Daughter of Lord Gorga, Level 7 Barbarian: 84553 (Level up at 128000)
Charles / Zan, Spermling of Zea, Level 7 Cleric (Termaxian): 65587 (Level up at 112000)
Andy / Cranky Jim, Level 6 Dwarf: 48511 (Level up at 70400)
Henry / Gorund, Level 5 Specialist: 20277 (Level up at 24000)
Tom / Jade, Level 4 Elf (Languid Wastrel): 13119 (Level up at 24000)Fraser / Svetnir, Level 2 Goblin: 3449 (Level up at 4000)James / Dr. Grijze van Held, Level 3 Specialist (Doctor): 3022 (Level up at 6000)*DING!* +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points!
Absent or Retired:
Kitty / Sophia, Level 6 Necromancer: 51705 (Level up at 72000)-- POWERMAN!, Level 5 POWERFIGHTER: 17090 (Level up at 32000)
-- Guido, Possessed Skull on giant skeleton
Sascha / Deek, Level 1 Specialist (Jack-of-all-Trades): 480 (Level up at 1500)Warren / Dante, Level 2 Elf (Flitting Gad): 3586 (Level up at 6000)
Fraser / Jumarak, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 54957 (Level up at 72000)
Dominic / Sir Stabbington Shanks, Level 7 Fighter: 68702 (Level up at 128000)
Tom / Seraph Dawnstride, Level 2 Cleric (Nonanist): 2979 (Level up at 3500)
Kyle / Jain Doe, Level 6 Dwarf: 40594 (Level up at 70400)

Anthony / Grunt, Level 3 Barbarian: 5298 (Level up at 8000)

Charlie / Una, Level 2 Specialist (Rogue): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
Tomas / Shiz Nittlebam, Level 2 Magic User: 3877 (Level up at 4500)
Richard / Stonecold, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 2264 (Level up at 4500)

Owen / Guyphy, Level 1 Elf (Scalbert Gumph): 1245 (Level up at 3000)
Clo / Bamuk, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 3869 (Level up at 4500)
Will / Walkul the Rogue, Level 1 Specialist: 1301 (Level up at 1500)

Dominic's (?) Retainer
-- Dr Charmington, Level 3 Specialist (Quack): 4821 (Level up at 6000)
Joe / Joe's Necromancer, Level 1 Necromancer: 321 (Level up at 2250)
Steve / Brand Earthhammer, Level 1 Fighter: 395 (Level up at 2000)
Oliver R / Reynard, Level 3 Specialist (Sneak Thief): 4077 (Level up at 6000)
Matteo / Lucifer, Level 1 Necromancer: 933 (Level up at 2250)

Ellie / Ellie's Necromancer, Level 1 Necromancer: 744 (Level up at 2250)
Jerry / Jerry's Next Character, Level 1 ???: 200 (Level up at ???)
Daniel / Nash, Level 1 Fighter: 455 (Level up at 2000)
Sarah / Mana, Level 4 Specialist (Thief): 13447 (Level up at 24000)
Jim / Jim's Fighter, Level 1 Fighter: 241 (Level up at 2000)
Louis / Louis' Next Character, Level 1 ???: 2062 (Level up at ???)
Oliver R / Osar, Level 2 Specialist (Dabbler): 661 (Level up at 3000)
Charlie / Le Chaz III, Level 1 Cleric: 670 (Level up at 1750)
David / Theras, Level 5 Specialist (Assassin): 13422 (Level up at 24000)
Mariana / Joe Joe, Level 5 Halfling: 28949 (Level up at 32000)
Dana / Bingo Augustus, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19863 (Level up at 36000)
James / Quarion, Level 3 Elf (Gremling): 7947 (Level up at 12000)
Gary / Skirr Abderian, Level 1 Specialist (Thief): 416 (Level up at 1500)
Mariana / Aurora, Level 3 Cleric: 4018 (Level up at 7000)
Wai / Mogwi Stitch-Up, Level 2 Specialist: 2715 (Level up at 3000)
Sam / Lucados Orbrus, Level 2 Fighter: 3000 (Level up at 4000)
Clay / Carthas, Level 1 Fighter: 371 (Level up at 2000)
John / West, Level 1 Cleric: 521 (Level up at 1750)
Hayley / Bob, Level 2 Dwarf: 2999 (Level up at 4400)
Niall / Roht, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 722 (Level up at 2250)
??? / Unnamed Cleric of the Garden God, Level 1 Cleric: 0 (Level up at 1750)
Florent / Sir Arthur, Level 1 Fighter: 186 (Level up at 2000)
Jamie / Alden, Level 1 Magic-User: 186 (Level up at 2250)
Ben / Thant, Level 1 Cleric: 186 (Level up at 1750)
Mike / Arran Folynn, Level 1 Specialist (Rogue): 186 (Level up at 1500)
Alex / Arhnin, Level 1 Elf (Hollowback Ylfen): 1518 (Level up at 3000)
Daniel / Davrak, Level 1 Magic User: 976 (Level up at 2250)
Nuno / Temperion, Level 1 Magic User: 742 (Level up at 2250)
Leo / Leo, Level 4 Cleric: 11102 (Level up at 14000)
Liisa / Peggy Pigrider, Level 5 Dwarf: 19420 (Level up at 35200)
-- Mr Pig, Level 1 Porcine.
Aron / Alphonse the Gentleman Barbarian, Level 1 Barbarian: 1184 (Level up at 2000)
Nimrod / U, Level 2 Specialist (Monk): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
Renzo / (Renzo's next character), Level 2 ???: 3462 (Level up at ???)
Clay / Svalborg, Level 2 Goblin: 2204 (Level up at 4000)
-- Tzani Spillios, Level 0 Scholar
Thomas / Tobias, Level 2 Cleric: 2204 (Level up at 3500)
Josh / Larry, Level 1 Elf (Galumfy Dotard): 383 (Level up at 3000)
Davide / Golden Junk, Level 1 Elf (Misergeist): 1971 (Level up at 3000)
Pedro / Dexter, Level 1 Necromancer: 1460 (Level up at 2250)
Mark / Marley, Level 2 Specialist: 2850 (Level up at 3000)
Rita / Arwen, Level 1 Elf (Sloomit Waghorn): 643 (Level up at 3000)
Sophia / Ceres, Level 1 Elf (Hollowback Ylfen): 1487 (Level up at 3000)
Alex / Tick, Level 1 Goblin: 731 (Level up at 2000)
Oliver / Pip, Level 1 Halfling: 731 (Level up at 2000)
Ej / Matilda, Level 2 Specialist: 1839 (Level up at 3000)
Sev / Brad the Stabbinator, Level 1 Fighter: 1871 (Level up at 2000)
Harry / Reg, Level 1 Dwarf: 150 (Level up at 2200)
Mike / Lootle Halfstack, Level 1 Specialist: 715 (Level up at 1500)
Aaron / Maura, Level 1 Halfling: 1637 (Level up at 2000)
Matt / Sheik, Level 1 Barbarian: 767 (Level up at 2000)
Shaun / Nagash, Level 1 Necromancer: 817 (Level up at 2250)
rhhjdghjdshgjbleeeh / Elric, Level 1 Cleric: 817 (Level up at 1750)
Michael / Mist Urmun, Level 4 Magic User: 12881 (Level up at 18000)
Pawel / Devein, Level 1 Dwarf: 1160 (Level up at 2200)
Marco / Sauron, Level 1 Necromancer: 1530 (Level up at 2250)
Tom / NWA Chuck Langley, Level 1 Cleric: 951 (Level up at 1750)
Ros / Rhea, Level 1 Elf (Capriped): 850 (Level up at 3000)
John / Level 1 Magic-User: 1500 (Level up at 2000)
Chris / Crocell, Level 4 Halfling: 12318 (Level up at 16000)
-- Belial, Level 1 Fighter: 1047 (Level up at 2000)
Michael / Mist Urmun, Level 4 Magic User: 9129 (Level up at 18000)
Renzo / Gastani, Level 2 Barbarian: 3000 (Level up at 4000)
Chris2 / Gadling, Level 3 Specialist (Assassin): 4738 (Level up at 6000)
Joanna / Artemis, Level 2 Specialist (Healer): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
George / Magnus, Level 1 Cleric: 1342 (Level up at 1750)
Lisa / Bella, Level 1 Magic User: 1951 (Level up at 2250)
Jacob / Wizard Khalifa, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 430 (Level up at 2250)
Marius' Totally-Not-Necromancer, Level 3 Necromancer: 5111 (Level up at 9000)
Nadav / Frog, Level 1 Fighter: 732 (Level up at 2000)
Charlie / Losh, Level 1 Elf (Habberjock): 309 (Level up at 3000)
Jack / Uldric, Level 1 Magic User: 409 (Level up at 2250)
Kate / Khaleesi, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 37 (Level up at 2250)
Emmi / Lyrel, Level 2 Necromancer: 2891 (Level up at 4500)
--- Schmidt, Level 0 Human

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Session 119 - The Endless Depths of Bad Taste

You know, even though I know that this game tends towards weird shit, we probably had the hardest-to-explain-to-outsiders session in a long time this week.

It was when Eleyn surfaced and you guys caused swarms of rats to burst from her sundry orifices that I realised that I could never really beat you guys at the Weird Horror game.

Many deaths, as many level-ups. Such is life.
It is fitting that Eleyn ended up like this. She became defined by the horror of eternal life, and now she begets life forever more.
It's poetic, man.




NSFW, by Tom

Inline images 2Inline images 1
Tries to separate these but can't somehow. Frog monster sculpture by Fraser.
Little fishy things by me I guess.


Session 119 - The Endless Depths of Bad Taste

Campaign Date:
Wednesday, 3 April, 1550
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Zodiac: Pisces

New Backstory:
- Jade alleges that the previous incarnation of the Fated King, who bore a striking resemblance to our own timeline's Henry VIII, was so besotted with Jade that he made moves on her. It was then that she realised that she could seduce any man. (Once per session, cause someone to make a romantic advance on you)

Enemies Defeated:
- None.
Total: 0 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- A brooch with embossed frog and green gem eyes -- ref: chateau B6
- 200gp, 3000sp (13000 exp)
- Scroll #344 - suspected Cure Critical Wounds scroll
Total: 13000 exp

Exploration:- Discovered an alternate exit from the Chateau (100 exp)
- First party to enter the DEEPS BELOW THE CHATEAU (300 exp)
- Explored I guess one more dungeon area technically (20 exp)
Total: 420 exp
Events:
- After some debate, it is decided that a rescue party will be formed to save Gastron from a terrible froggy fate. (50 exp)
- Zan dispels the forcefield to allow respite from the chateau, and also plausibly allow people to swap characters. (50 exp)
- Guido is lowered down on a rope but is nowhere near the bottom. Possibly can't see in the dark. He's panicking. Given light runes on back of skull to see by. Still nothing but little weird fish to be seen down there. (50 exp)- The legless bled-out frog is Raised by Sophia to become a frog zombie. She uses Eyes of the Dead to see what it sees, then sends it down to scout. (50 exp)- Weird fish. Coral-like growths from walls. More weird fish. A sea of jelly-like bubbles. Beyond them, huge wide flat bubbles. Squeezing between, yellowish tendrils extending towards strange lights in the deeps. Connection cuts out as frog zombie is eaten. (50 exp)
- Loathe to sacrifice characters on an assumed suicide mission, Eleyn turns up (or was always there...?) along with fan favourite Ratt LeBlanc aka RATMAN. (50 exp)
- Gorund yearns for death and also joins the scuba team. Logistical concerns re: air, pressure, cold are sorta solved via an air rune air supply and using Eleyn as a submersible. Gorund and Ratman jump in the psychosexual submarine. This is somebody's fetish for sure. (50 exp)
- Nobody else wants to go. I think they've played this game before. Gimmick online: everyone else is rats. (50 exp)
- Inside Eleyn, they all descend. Weird fungal growths, on inspection, have bubbles bubbling out of them! Eleyn swims closer to one, finding a moon pool entrance from below. (50 exp)
- She surfaces! Her orifices squelch open and swarms of rats, a ratman, and even worse a BAD MUSICIAN leap forth! Screams echo! (50 exp)
- Humans, grown into the walls below the waist, arms chained. They speak Occitan but can only scream and occasionally vomit frogspawn into the warm shallow water. (50 exp)
- Something is biting and scratching at Eleyn's submerged under-nipples! Oh shit! At the same time, a blurry object pulls itself from the water - it's the woman of your dreams. (50 exp)
- Ratman falls into her arms, her rows of plump rat-teats engorged with milk as she wraps her long slick tail around his midsection. Her tongue slides past her incisors and down his throat, and he feels it pulse as it disgorges its contents inside his full little belly. (50 exp)
- Eleyn begins to feel woozy from all the biting. Gorund's mind clouds over as the gorgeous woman approaches him, her hands cradle his head and pull him towards her full lips, he gags around her tongue as it snakes into his mouth and down his throat. (50 exp)
- The rat swarms fall in love with the swirling column of prime breeding females that enveloped their ratman master before moving on towards the human. (50 exp)
- Eleyn surges to the surface, frog monster mouths gripped onto her undercarriage. The beautiful person smiles and walks towards her, leaving the others on their knees behind her with huge dopey smiles on their lovestruck faces. She embraces Eleyn, who finally finds someone who will love her for who she is. (50 exp)
- Some of Rat LeBlanc's rats realise what's happening, try to snap him out of it. He clears his head, attacks, fails, falls to his knees. Gorund's lute falls from his hands and breaks... (50 exp)
- The prophecy! Gorund will be reunited with a friend by a broken device! The sound of breaking strings stirs a pang of something else inside Eleyn.. one almost already forgotten. (50 exp)
She grabs Gorund in one of her many mouths and dives, swims, spits him out, descends once more to the realm of her new true love. (50 exp)- Perhaps fittingly for one who could never die, Eleyn's final doom is to become an endless font of horrific life. (50 exp)
- Gorund is dragged from the water by the rest of the party. Against the odds. he has survived. Thanks, gypsy. Thypsy. (50 exp)
- Cranky Jim, probably disgusted, checks out an "empty" room. His magical secret door detection monocle reveals... several floating lock shapes outlined in glowing gold! (50 exp)
- He feels around... and they seem to be invisible chests and unlocked coffers! One of the chests has a lock that's beyond even Svetnir's abilities to pick, but the other opens to reveal rich contents. (50 exp)
- Deciding to continue exploring the chateau despite setbacks, the party go back to the great hall to sleep. There they discover none other than Dr Grijze van Held himself! (50 exp)
- He has picked up a book on the topic of the Triumph of Law in the mean time, but he hasn't read it properly yet. (50 exp)
- As the party settles down to rest, Gorund suddenly begins heaving up piles of frogspawn! He survives, a foam of eggs spreading around his knees. We end here.(50 exp)
Total: 1300 exp

Misc:
- Absolutely Disgusting bonus (50 exp)
- Best of Intentions bonus (50 exp)
- Freudian bonus (50 exp)
- Leave a Man Behind bonus (50 exp)
- Long Deliberation bonus (50 exp)
- Mad Inventor bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- Shunga bonus (50 exp)
- Split the Party bonus (50 exp)
- Tentacle Molestation bonus (50 exp)
- Vore bonus (50 exp)
- What the Fuck Guys bonus (50 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Jade, Svetnir - 100 exp ea.)
- Attacco d'Art bonus (Svetnir - 100 exp)
- Recap Remembrancer bonus (Jade - 100 exp)
- Snackbringer bonus (Gorund, Grizje, Svetnir - 100 exp ea.)
- Near Death Experience bonus (Gorund - 100 exp)
Total: 600 exp + bonuses
Rumours:
- None down here...

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Gastron, human spawning chamber for the frog monsters
- Ratt LeBlanc, ratman spawning chamber for the frog monsters
- Eleyn, vagina monster spawning chamber for the frog monsters

[[]]

Exp Totals:
Charles / Zan, Spermling of Zea, Level 7 Cleric (Termaxian): 65154 (Level up at 112000)
Kitty / Sophia, Level 6 Necromancer: 51705 (Level up at 72000)-- POWERMAN!, Level 5 POWERFIGHTER: 17090 (Level up at 32000)
-- Guido, Possessed Skull on giant skeletonJames / Rat LeBlanc, Level 6 Ratman: 47965 (Level up at 48000)*DECEASED*
Andy / Cranky Jim, Level 6 Dwarf: 48178 (Level up at 70400)Tom / Eleyn, 5HD genitalia demon with mind of an insane mutant gypsy*DECEASED*Henry / Gorund, Level 5 Specialist: 19744 (Level up at 24000)
James / Gâstron Bistró, Level 4 Barbarian: 14713 (Level up at 16000)*DECEASED*Tom / Jade, Level 4 Elf (Languid Wastrel): 12586 (Level up at 24000)
*DING!* +1d6 HP! +saves! +1 level 2 spell/day! +free spell!
Fraser / Svetnir, Level 2 Goblin: 2916 (Level up at 4000)
*DING!* +1d6 HP! +saves! +1 goblin buddy!
James / Dr. Grijze van Held, Level 2 Specialist (Doctor): 2589 (Level up at 3000)*DING!* +1d6 HP! +2 skill points!
Absent or Retired:
Oli / Lulu Spiderbite, Daughter of Lord Gorga, Level 7 Barbarian: 84110 (Level up at 128000)
Sascha / Deek, Level 1 Specialist (Jack-of-all-Trades): 480 (Level up at 1500)
Warren / Dante, Level 2 Elf (Flitting Gad): 3586 (Level up at 6000)
Fraser / Jumarak, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 54957 (Level up at 72000)
Dominic / Sir Stabbington Shanks, Level 7 Fighter: 68702 (Level up at 128000)
Tom / Seraph Dawnstride, Level 2 Cleric (Nonanist): 2979 (Level up at 3500)
Kyle / Jain Doe, Level 6 Dwarf: 40594 (Level up at 70400)

Anthony / Grunt, Level 3 Barbarian: 5298 (Level up at 8000)

Charlie / Una, Level 2 Specialist (Rogue): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
Tomas / Shiz Nittlebam, Level 2 Magic User: 3877 (Level up at 4500)
Richard / Stonecold, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 2264 (Level up at 4500)

Owen / Guyphy, Level 1 Elf (Scalbert Gumph): 1245 (Level up at 3000)
Clo / Bamuk, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 3869 (Level up at 4500)
Will / Walkul the Rogue, Level 1 Specialist: 1301 (Level up at 1500)

Dominic's (?) Retainer
-- Dr Charmington, Level 3 Specialist (Quack): 4821 (Level up at 6000)
Joe / Joe's Necromancer, Level 1 Necromancer: 321 (Level up at 2250)
Steve / Brand Earthhammer, Level 1 Fighter: 395 (Level up at 2000)
Oliver R / Reynard, Level 3 Specialist (Sneak Thief): 4077 (Level up at 6000)
Matteo / Lucifer, Level 1 Necromancer: 933 (Level up at 2250)

Ellie / Ellie's Necromancer, Level 1 Necromancer: 744 (Level up at 2250)
Jerry / Jerry's Next Character, Level 1 ???: 200 (Level up at ???)
Daniel / Nash, Level 1 Fighter: 455 (Level up at 2000)
Sarah / Mana, Level 4 Specialist (Thief): 13447 (Level up at 24000)
Jim / Jim's Fighter, Level 1 Fighter: 241 (Level up at 2000)
Louis / Louis' Next Character, Level 1 ???: 2062 (Level up at ???)
Oliver R / Osar, Level 2 Specialist (Dabbler): 661 (Level up at 3000)
Charlie / Le Chaz III, Level 1 Cleric: 670 (Level up at 1750)
David / Theras, Level 5 Specialist (Assassin): 13422 (Level up at 24000)
Mariana / Joe Joe, Level 5 Halfling: 28949 (Level up at 32000)
Dana / Bingo Augustus, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19863 (Level up at 36000)
James / Quarion, Level 3 Elf (Gremling): 7947 (Level up at 12000)
Gary / Skirr Abderian, Level 1 Specialist (Thief): 416 (Level up at 1500)
Mariana / Aurora, Level 3 Cleric: 4018 (Level up at 7000)
Wai / Mogwi Stitch-Up, Level 2 Specialist: 2715 (Level up at 3000)
Sam / Lucados Orbrus, Level 2 Fighter: 3000 (Level up at 4000)
Clay / Carthas, Level 1 Fighter: 371 (Level up at 2000)
John / West, Level 1 Cleric: 521 (Level up at 1750)
Hayley / Bob, Level 2 Dwarf: 2999 (Level up at 4400)
Niall / Roht, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 722 (Level up at 2250)
??? / Unnamed Cleric of the Garden God, Level 1 Cleric: 0 (Level up at 1750)
Florent / Sir Arthur, Level 1 Fighter: 186 (Level up at 2000)
Jamie / Alden, Level 1 Magic-User: 186 (Level up at 2250)
Ben / Thant, Level 1 Cleric: 186 (Level up at 1750)
Mike / Arran Folynn, Level 1 Specialist (Rogue): 186 (Level up at 1500)
Alex / Arhnin, Level 1 Elf (Hollowback Ylfen): 1518 (Level up at 3000)
Daniel / Davrak, Level 1 Magic User: 976 (Level up at 2250)
Nuno / Temperion, Level 1 Magic User: 742 (Level up at 2250)
Leo / Leo, Level 4 Cleric: 11102 (Level up at 14000)
Liisa / Peggy Pigrider, Level 5 Dwarf: 19420 (Level up at 35200)
-- Mr Pig, Level 1 Porcine.
Aron / Alphonse the Gentleman Barbarian, Level 1 Barbarian: 1184 (Level up at 2000)
Nimrod / U, Level 2 Specialist (Monk): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
Renzo / (Renzo's next character), Level 2 ???: 3462 (Level up at ???)
Clay / Svalborg, Level 2 Goblin: 2204 (Level up at 4000)
-- Tzani Spillios, Level 0 Scholar
Thomas / Tobias, Level 2 Cleric: 2204 (Level up at 3500)
Josh / Larry, Level 1 Elf (Galumfy Dotard): 383 (Level up at 3000)
Davide / Golden Junk, Level 1 Elf (Misergeist): 1971 (Level up at 3000)
Pedro / Dexter, Level 1 Necromancer: 1460 (Level up at 2250)
Mark / Marley, Level 2 Specialist: 2850 (Level up at 3000)
Rita / Arwen, Level 1 Elf (Sloomit Waghorn): 643 (Level up at 3000)
Sophia / Ceres, Level 1 Elf (Hollowback Ylfen): 1487 (Level up at 3000)
Alex / Tick, Level 1 Goblin: 731 (Level up at 2000)
Oliver / Pip, Level 1 Halfling: 731 (Level up at 2000)
Ej / Matilda, Level 2 Specialist: 1839 (Level up at 3000)
Sev / Brad the Stabbinator, Level 1 Fighter: 1871 (Level up at 2000)
Harry / Reg, Level 1 Dwarf: 150 (Level up at 2200)
Mike / Lootle Halfstack, Level 1 Specialist: 715 (Level up at 1500)
Aaron / Maura, Level 1 Halfling: 1637 (Level up at 2000)
Matt / Sheik, Level 1 Barbarian: 767 (Level up at 2000)
Shaun / Nagash, Level 1 Necromancer: 817 (Level up at 2250)
rhhjdghjdshgjbleeeh / Elric, Level 1 Cleric: 817 (Level up at 1750)
Michael / Mist Urmun, Level 4 Magic User: 12881 (Level up at 18000)
Pawel / Devein, Level 1 Dwarf: 1160 (Level up at 2200)
Marco / Sauron, Level 1 Necromancer: 1530 (Level up at 2250)
Tom / NWA Chuck Langley, Level 1 Cleric: 951 (Level up at 1750)
Ros / Rhea, Level 1 Elf (Capriped): 850 (Level up at 3000)
John / Level 1 Magic-User: 1500 (Level up at 2000)
Chris / Crocell, Level 4 Halfling: 12318 (Level up at 16000)
-- Belial, Level 1 Fighter: 1047 (Level up at 2000)
Michael / Mist Urmun, Level 4 Magic User: 9129 (Level up at 18000)
Renzo / Gastani, Level 2 Barbarian: 3000 (Level up at 4000)
Chris2 / Gadling, Level 3 Specialist (Assassin): 4738 (Level up at 6000)
Joanna / Artemis, Level 2 Specialist (Healer): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
George / Magnus, Level 1 Cleric: 1342 (Level up at 1750)
Lisa / Bella, Level 1 Magic User: 1951 (Level up at 2250)
Jacob / Wizard Khalifa, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 430 (Level up at 2250)
Marius' Totally-Not-Necromancer, Level 3 Necromancer: 5111 (Level up at 9000)
Nadav / Frog, Level 1 Fighter: 732 (Level up at 2000)
Charlie / Losh, Level 1 Elf (Habberjock): 309 (Level up at 3000)
Jack / Uldric, Level 1 Magic User: 409 (Level up at 2250)
Kate / Khaleesi, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 37 (Level up at 2250)
Emmi / Lyrel, Level 2 Necromancer: 2891 (Level up at 4500)
--- Schmidt, Level 0 Human

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Session 118 - Dungeons and Deep Ones

We return! With a session that may go down as one of my favourites ever.
Barbarian on Barbarian fork-throwing!
Getting drunk in the wine cellar while others suffer!
Diving down to the dark city of the frog monsters!

Gastron may be doomed... but we will see!


Also check out these art attacks holy shit

Inline images 1
- Sophia, from Oli

Inline images 2
- Salisburgh Plain, from Tom

Inline images 3
- The demise of Gastron, also from Tom

Inline images 4
And finally, a frog monster doodle from me!


Session 118 - Dungeons and Deep Ones

Campaign Date:
Saturday, 28 March, 1550
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous
Zodiac: Pisces

Bonus Session 117 exp granted metaphysically:- 6070 exp to Cranky Jim
- 5270 exp to Zan
- 5220 exp to Sophia
- 5170 exp to Gorund, Jade, Gastron
- 5070 to Lulu

New Characters:
- Deek, a Jack-of-all-Trades Specialist and former chalk-cutter.
- Vetnir, a Goblin hedge trimmer aka hairdresser. Fascination with knives.

New Backstory:
Jade had a liaison with a demon in human form when she worked as a courtesan. She was forever tainted, becoming an Elf. The fearful nobles kicked her out of court, and she was forced into a life of a common street whore. (+1 to reaction rolls with subterranean beings)
- Zan's strange rebirth allowed him to see Things Man Was Not Meant to Know in the cracks between realities. (+2 to Search in pitch blackness)
- Gastron once committed that most egregious of french sins - the consumption of Crème Anglaise... and he loved it. (+1 when repeating a successful action) 

Enemies Defeated:
- 3 ghoulish people-eaters, slaughtered (150 exp)
- 6 batrachian hand-tongued frog things, scared off (300 exp)
Total: 450 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- 6 silver pieces (6 exp)
- 15 bottles of very fine wine (750 exp)
Total: 756 exp

Exploration:- First party to enter the basement level of the chateau (100 exp)
- 5 dungeon areas explored (100 exp)
- Secret door found (50 exp)
Total: 250 exp
Events:
- Awakening from their strange double-dreams of a distant past and a sundered future, the party awaken in the great hall of the Cursed Chateau! Among them, somehow, are two newcomers. (50 exp)
- One of said newcomers, Deek, inspects the fireplace. The grate is loose! And there are stairs behind! (50 exp)
- Descending the ash-covered stairs into the darkness, the party come across a wide room. The chef walks past. Yowls and yammering from the dark. (50 exp)
- Lulu utilisies the shit power of her christmas jumper to sneak towards the yammering. It's those ghouls again! The jumper lights up in christmassy glory and it's time for a fight! (50 exp)
- Jade sneaks up and goes for the backstab! It is a dismal failure, and a wild-haired woman throws her through a door, its ghostly venom paralysing her! (50 exp)
- Gastron whips a meat fork from his quantum chef attire and throws it into the melee! It goes right into the meat of Lulu's arm, to her consternation. (50 exp)
- Lulu rips it out of her arm and throws it back, grazing Gastron's french face! (50 exp)
- A twitch of Vetnir's wrists turns his shears into a pair of short knives! He buries them in a ghoul's neck and wrenches them apart. Deek takes out the other with a shovel. (50 exp)
- With that over, the door is inspected. A long corridor beyond, ending suddenly at the same barrier that surrounds the chateau. (50 exp)
- Jade's paralyzed body is hefted onto a shoulder and carried until it begins to soften. (50 exp)
- A door to the north requires a skull-key. It is left for now. (50 exp)
- A further corridor split reveals a room that becomes natural cave. Mushroom clusters are identified by Deek as some sort of deadly spore-spewing species. (50 exp)
- Zan gets to work with fire rune experimentation while Jade, Lulu and Cranky Jim wander off and find a wine cellar. (50 exp)
- They crack into the booze, the door shutting behind them. It has a skull-keyhole from this side. Lulu uses Santa's skull as a cup. (50 exp)
- Zan has managed to set his shield alight with magma. It works well otherwise. A decay beam is fairly ineffective. (50 exp)
- Gastron gets bored and pulls a potato from his pack, throws it into the room, and sets off the mushrooms! (50 exp)
- Zan manages to more-or-less escape, but Gastron's health is permanently damaged. Frenchman that he is, he gathers some mushroom in order to smoke it. (50 exp)
- The party spike the wine cellar door open, rejoin, and continue exploring the caverns. (50 exp)
- In a large cavern, a strange froggy obelisk at the edge of an underground pool. Lulu lobs a potato in... and the bow waves of a large creature swimming towards the shore... (50 exp)
- All except Gastron back off... and the bulbous froggy beast flicks its hand-tongue out of the water to grab him! Luckily Gastron's an absolute beast, so drags it to him by the tongue and rips off its legs! (50 exp)
- Also it turns out he learnt Ancient Batrachian from a frog that lived under his hat like that rat off Ratatouille, so he can speak to the thing! It is in great pain. (50 exp)
- Jade wanders off into a bare rocky possibly magical chamber. She throws Nigel Farage's severed head into the room to set off suspected traps... but sees his face! She is forced to run over and punch the shit out of it! Farage's face is pulped. (50 exp)
- More frog things erupt from the water, but Gastron brutalises the body of the de-legged batrachian and induces fear in their froggy hearts! (50 exp)
- They turn to flee, but Gastron jumps on the back of one of them in order to pursue! Luckily he previously drew an air rune on an eggcup to use as an impromptu oxygen mask (50 exp)
- As the amphibians swim deeper and deeper into the cold watery depths... it becomes obvious to the rest of the that Gastron may never return. (50 exp)
- Next session the party will vote on whether they want to rescue Gastron in some sort of insane scuba rescue mission, or leave him to die off-screen. (50 exp)
Total: 1300 exp

Misc:
- Balls to the Wall bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal Kill bonus (50 exp)
- Dramatic Battle bonus (50 exp)
- Enmity Inciter bonus (50 exp)
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus (50 exp)
- Internecine Strife bonus (50 exp)
- PETA bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- Split the Party bonus (50 exp)
- Tonguetacle Molestation bonus (50 exp)
- Treasure Drinker bonus (50 exp)
- WWE bonus (50 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Lulu, Jade - 100 exp ea.)
- Attacco d'Arte bonus (Lulu - 100 exp)
- Attacco di Panico dell'Arte bonus (Lulu - 100 exp)
- Cartographer bonus (Vetnir - 100 exp)
- Recap Remembrancer bonus (Jade - 100 exp)
Total: 600 exp + bonuses
Rumours:
- None down here...

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Gastron... unless a rescue mission is enacted next session!

[[]]

Exp Totals:
Oli / Lulu Spiderbite, Daughter of Lord Gorga, Level 7 Barbarian: 84110 (Level up at 128000)
Charles / Zan, Spermling of Zea, Level 7 Cleric (Termaxian): 63118 (Level up at 112000)
Andy / Cranky Jim, Level 6 Dwarf: 46142 (Level up at 70400)James / Gâstron Bistró, Level 4 Barbarian: 14713 (Level up at 16000)Tom / Jade, Level 2 Elf (Languid Wastrel): 5180 (Level up at 6000)Fraser / Vetnir, Level 1 Goblin: 580 (Level up at 2000)
Sascha / Deek, Level 1 Specialist (Jack-of-all-Trades): 480 (Level up at 1500)
Absent or Retired:
Henry / Gorund, Level 5 Specialist: 17508 (Level up at 24000)
Kitty / Sophia, Level 6 Necromancer: 49669 (Level up at 72000)
-- POWERMAN!, Level 5 POWERFIGHTER: 16072 (Level up at 32000)
-- Guido, Possessed Skull on giant skeleton
Warren / Dante, Level 2 Elf (Flitting Gad): 3586 (Level up at 6000)
Fraser / Jumarak, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 54957 (Level up at 72000)
Dominic / Sir Stabbington Shanks, Level 7 Fighter: 68702 (Level up at 128000)
Tom / Seraph Dawnstride, Level 2 Cleric (Nonanist): 2979 (Level up at 3500)

James / 
Dr. Grijze van Held, Level 1 Specialist (Doctor): 453 (Level up at 1500)
Kyle / Jain Doe, Level 6 Dwarf: 40594 (Level up at 70400)

James / Rat LeBlanc, Level 6 Ratman: 47965 (Level up at 48000)

Tom / Eleyn, 5HD genitalia demon with mind of an insane mutant gypsy
Anthony / Grunt, Level 3 Barbarian: 5298 (Level up at 8000)

Charlie / Una, Level 2 Specialist (Rogue): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
Tomas / Shiz Nittlebam, Level 2 Magic User: 3877 (Level up at 4500)
Richard / Stonecold, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 2264 (Level up at 4500)

Owen / Guyphy, Level 1 Elf (Scalbert Gumph): 1245 (Level up at 3000)
Clo / Bamuk, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 3869 (Level up at 4500)
Will / Walkul the Rogue, Level 1 Specialist: 1301 (Level up at 1500)

Dominic's (?) Retainer
-- Dr Charmington, Level 3 Specialist (Quack): 4821 (Level up at 6000)
Joe / Joe's Necromancer, Level 1 Necromancer: 321 (Level up at 2250)
Steve / Brand Earthhammer, Level 1 Fighter: 395 (Level up at 2000)
Oliver R / Reynard, Level 3 Specialist (Sneak Thief): 4077 (Level up at 6000)
Matteo / Lucifer, Level 1 Necromancer: 933 (Level up at 2250)

Ellie / Ellie's Necromancer, Level 1 Necromancer: 744 (Level up at 2250)
Jerry / Jerry's Next Character, Level 1 ???: 200 (Level up at ???)
Daniel / Nash, Level 1 Fighter: 455 (Level up at 2000)
Sarah / Mana, Level 4 Specialist (Thief): 13447 (Level up at 24000)
Jim / Jim's Fighter, Level 1 Fighter: 241 (Level up at 2000)
Louis / Louis' Next Character, Level 1 ???: 2062 (Level up at ???)
Oliver R / Osar, Level 2 Specialist (Dabbler): 661 (Level up at 3000)
Charlie / Le Chaz III, Level 1 Cleric: 670 (Level up at 1750)
David / Theras, Level 5 Specialist (Assassin): 13422 (Level up at 24000)
Mariana / Joe Joe, Level 5 Halfling: 28949 (Level up at 32000)
Dana / Bingo Augustus, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19863 (Level up at 36000)
James / Quarion, Level 3 Elf (Gremling): 7947 (Level up at 12000)
Gary / Skirr Abderian, Level 1 Specialist (Thief): 416 (Level up at 1500)
Mariana / Aurora, Level 3 Cleric: 4018 (Level up at 7000)
Wai / Mogwi Stitch-Up, Level 2 Specialist: 2715 (Level up at 3000)
Sam / Lucados Orbrus, Level 2 Fighter: 3000 (Level up at 4000)
Clay / Carthas, Level 1 Fighter: 371 (Level up at 2000)
John / West, Level 1 Cleric: 521 (Level up at 1750)
Hayley / Bob, Level 2 Dwarf: 2999 (Level up at 4400)
Niall / Roht, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 722 (Level up at 2250)
??? / Unnamed Cleric of the Garden God, Level 1 Cleric: 0 (Level up at 1750)
Florent / Sir Arthur, Level 1 Fighter: 186 (Level up at 2000)
Jamie / Alden, Level 1 Magic-User: 186 (Level up at 2250)
Ben / Thant, Level 1 Cleric: 186 (Level up at 1750)
Mike / Arran Folynn, Level 1 Specialist (Rogue): 186 (Level up at 1500)
Alex / Arhnin, Level 1 Elf (Hollowback Ylfen): 1518 (Level up at 3000)
Daniel / Davrak, Level 1 Magic User: 976 (Level up at 2250)
Nuno / Temperion, Level 1 Magic User: 742 (Level up at 2250)
Leo / Leo, Level 4 Cleric: 11102 (Level up at 14000)
Liisa / Peggy Pigrider, Level 5 Dwarf: 19420 (Level up at 35200)
-- Mr Pig, Level 1 Porcine.
Aron / Alphonse the Gentleman Barbarian, Level 1 Barbarian: 1184 (Level up at 2000)
Nimrod / U, Level 2 Specialist (Monk): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
Renzo / (Renzo's next character), Level 2 ???: 3462 (Level up at ???)
Clay / Svalborg, Level 2 Goblin: 2204 (Level up at 4000)
-- Tzani Spillios, Level 0 Scholar
Thomas / Tobias, Level 2 Cleric: 2204 (Level up at 3500)
Josh / Larry, Level 1 Elf (Galumfy Dotard): 383 (Level up at 3000)
Davide / Golden Junk, Level 1 Elf (Misergeist): 1971 (Level up at 3000)
Pedro / Dexter, Level 1 Necromancer: 1460 (Level up at 2250)
Mark / Marley, Level 2 Specialist: 2850 (Level up at 3000)
Rita / Arwen, Level 1 Elf (Sloomit Waghorn): 643 (Level up at 3000)
Sophia / Ceres, Level 1 Elf (Hollowback Ylfen): 1487 (Level up at 3000)
Alex / Tick, Level 1 Goblin: 731 (Level up at 2000)
Oliver / Pip, Level 1 Halfling: 731 (Level up at 2000)
Ej / Matilda, Level 2 Specialist: 1839 (Level up at 3000)
Sev / Brad the Stabbinator, Level 1 Fighter: 1871 (Level up at 2000)
Harry / Reg, Level 1 Dwarf: 150 (Level up at 2200)
Mike / Lootle Halfstack, Level 1 Specialist: 715 (Level up at 1500)
Aaron / Maura, Level 1 Halfling: 1637 (Level up at 2000)
Matt / Sheik, Level 1 Barbarian: 767 (Level up at 2000)
Shaun / Nagash, Level 1 Necromancer: 817 (Level up at 2250)
rhhjdghjdshgjbleeeh / Elric, Level 1 Cleric: 817 (Level up at 1750)
Michael / Mist Urmun, Level 4 Magic User: 12881 (Level up at 18000)
Pawel / Devein, Level 1 Dwarf: 1160 (Level up at 2200)
Marco / Sauron, Level 1 Necromancer: 1530 (Level up at 2250)
Tom / NWA Chuck Langley, Level 1 Cleric: 951 (Level up at 1750)
Ros / Rhea, Level 1 Elf (Capriped): 850 (Level up at 3000)
John / Level 1 Magic-User: 1500 (Level up at 2000)
Chris / Crocell, Level 4 Halfling: 12318 (Level up at 16000)
-- Belial, Level 1 Fighter: 1047 (Level up at 2000)
Michael / Mist Urmun, Level 4 Magic User: 9129 (Level up at 18000)
Renzo / Gastani, Level 2 Barbarian: 3000 (Level up at 4000)
Chris2 / Gadling, Level 3 Specialist (Assassin): 4738 (Level up at 6000)
Joanna / Artemis, Level 2 Specialist (Healer): 2250 (Level up at 3000)
George / Magnus, Level 1 Cleric: 1342 (Level up at 1750)
Lisa / Bella, Level 1 Magic User: 1951 (Level up at 2250)
Jacob / Wizard Khalifa, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 430 (Level up at 2250)
Marius' Totally-Not-Necromancer, Level 3 Necromancer: 5111 (Level up at 9000)
Nadav / Frog, Level 1 Fighter: 732 (Level up at 2000)
Charlie / Losh, Level 1 Elf (Habberjock): 309 (Level up at 3000)
Jack / Uldric, Level 1 Magic User: 409 (Level up at 2250)
Kate / Khaleesi, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 37 (Level up at 2250)
Emmi / Lyrel, Level 2 Necromancer: 2891 (Level up at 4500)
--- Schmidt, Level 0 Human

Friday, 9 December 2016

Session 117 – Llama Drama and Soft Rock ‘n’ Roll

Session 117 – Llama Drama and Soft Rock ‘n’ Roll

James could not DM, so a one-off special set in the game world in Bronze Age Britain – around 1820 BC

Being the bronze age there is no iron technology, so all weapons do one die type less damage (so 1D8 sword does 1D6) etc. and there is no chain or plate armour. The exception are dwarfs, who being master metallurgists can work steel.
There is almost no magic in the world yet, the world is a simpler and it is a happier time. Britain is a giant forest with the odd small village and farm dotted around in clearings. Only druids could be considered magical, but they are few and far between…

New One-Off Classes:
§  Woad Warrior: Base as a fighter, but fighting in the nude you are frighteningly intimidating and always attack first and cannot be surprised. In addition, you can go berserk at any time and sacrifice armour points for attack points.
§  Druid: Base as a cleric. Once per day a druid can transform into their spirit animal – choose from Elk, Wolf and Bear, each with their own characteristics. What would a druid be without a good ritual? Performing a ritual when casting a spell means the spell takes longer to complete, but the effect is doubled. They are also awesome in bush craft.
No magic users, goblins or elves allowed!

New Characters:
§  Claus Bambi (Andy): A psychotic Druid with the ability to turn into an Elk. Claus is a notorious butcher with a scythe who likes to pretend to be Death. Best buddies with the druid Chad Banjo, they went to the same school and if Chad was Draco Malfoy, then Claus was the Tom Riddle of the pair.
§  Brugga the Well Endowed (Tom): A heavily tattooed and blue painted woad warrior who wields a very manly sword carved out of stone. Although fearsome, he is a natural father figure and loves genital piercings.
§  Mr Ling (Charles): A sell-sword Halfling (wasn’t even a class option in the one off special, but hey, let’s roll with it) from far, far way looking for new contracts in Britannia. Excellent with a bow and dagger, he sometimes forgets he is not experienced enough to mind control animals, but it doesn’t stop him trying.
§  Talia the Fair (Kitty). An unattractive dwarf by anyone’s (or anything’s) standards, but has beautiful fair hair and a soft beard. She is claustrophobic so came to the surface for the fresh air and to seek her fortune. She would never go back underground again… would she? Heavily armoured and wielding a steel axe, it is a brave man who calls her ugly to her ugly face.
§  Brywynth the Weak and Unready (James): A curiously feeble woad warrior who carries a sling and is painted pink. Rumour has it he has never kissed a girl.
§  Chad Bingo (Henry): Bullied growing up because of his silly name, Chad became a bit of a bastard and specialized in human sacrifice in druid school. Prefers killing to talking and can change into a bear. Wields a bone weapon, perhaps carved from the thigh bone of a human sacrifice…
Enemies Defeated:
§  5 mildly threatening spiders, one killed with a penis (50xp)
§  Steppenwolf the freed druid, transformed into a wolf, who just wanted to save his friend (100xp)
§  Zuppa the Lord of the Underhenge, who still cared for his friend Steppenwolf and probably could have been saved from the dark side if anybody had just tried. Bear hugged and then ritually sacrificed (150xp)
§  Pula Pula replica, a gigantic thunderbird overpowered with the use of the Earrings of Pairing (200xp)
§  Five spiky plant men ignored (0xp)
Total: 500xp
Deaths:
§  Brywynth the Weak, stepped on and killed instantly by a two-headed llama deity and then eaten after foolishly picking a fight with it after escaping the collapsing cavern and making it to freedom.
§  Brugga the Well Endowed, stepped on by a two-headed llama deity and then eaten after the other head got hungry watching Brywynth the Weak get eaten.
Discoveries:
§  A new round, root vegetable christened a “soft rock” by Talia the Fair (150xp)
§  A new creature imaginatively christened “long-necked sheep” by Brywynth (150xp)
Total: 300xp

Treasure and Equipment:
§  Horde of exotic carpets with long necked sheep designs left behind (0xp)
§  Magical sacrificial dagger that heals the user when it draws blood, inexplicitly left behind (0xp)
§  1,000 silver pieces left behind (0xp)
§  Diamond stars in the ceiling not even investigated and left behind (0xp)
§  Sack of soft rocks (50xp)
§  Ornate gold and exotically feathered headdress (5,000xp)
§  Gold, double headed long-necked sheep statue with ruby eyes (15,000xp)
§  Four thunderbird eggs, unhatched (1,000xp)
§  Large star shaped diamond (2,500xp)
§  Fine woven carpet from the roundhouse (50xp)
§  Three very sharp obsidian daggers (1D4 +2), crafted (30xp)
§  Magical Earrings of Pairing (2,500xp)
§  Magical Murder of Crows Dord (1,500xp)
§  The Dark Book of Sacrificial Rites (1,500xp)
Total: 29,130xp

Exploration:
§  First party to enter the Underhenge (1821 exp)
§  Explored 3 small dungeon rooms (60 exp)
§  Explored two large dungeon caverns (60exp)
§  Explored a simple round house (20xp)
Total: 1,961 XP

Events:


§  The scene is set.  A few days ago after Chad tries to sacrifice Talia, he stopped once he realised she is actually a dwarf, and suffering from Stockholm syndrome, Talia decided to join up with him and Claus. Two adventure seeking woad warriors join them on the road while Mr Ling recognises the band might bring adventure and gold and stealthily follows behind. (50 exp)
§  The group come to a small and simple roundhouse in a clearing in the woods and spot a small boy crying. Brugga in all his nakedness comforts the child (not weird or sinister at all) and discovers that his parents went missing looking for his sister by the Ol’ Dead Oak. The young boy, Tommy, is wearing a strange animal skin – yellow with blackspots. After Tommy is told his family is likely very dead, the boy asks Brugga to be his new daddy. Brugga blushes. (50 exp)
§  The group decide to help and scavenge provisions in the round house finding smoked fish, cheeses, fruits and nuts, a leather bag and a strange vegetable which Talia names a soft rock. The group eat them raw even after Tommy says they are better baked on the fire. (50xp)
§  After Chad threatens Tommy with a beating and death unless he tells him where his parents’ treasure is, the group finally believe the distraught boy that his family is poor and has no gold or silver although they can take the rug his mother was weaving to trade for food in the winter. (50 exp)
§  Carrying all the soft rocks they can find in the house and taking three torches, the group heads off to the Ol’ Dead Oak with Tommy in tow. The tree has a doorway in it which looks like it was created from a lightening strike that killed the tree – in fact there are a lot lightening strikes nearby. Claus dowses for water, but senses none, but sense flowing liquid… (50 exp)
§  Inside the dead tree, a passageway goes deep underground. On the walls of the passage there is ancient wall art which looks thousands of years of old. The picture shows white Neolithic peoples meeting strange small purple men. Behind the purple people there are bizarre giant canoes with sails carrying big black monoliths. In later pictures the purple peoples are trading and building stone monuments and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. But then things turn sinister. The pictures show the purple people sacrificing the natives and there are numerous battles. The natives win and drive the purple ones underground….. (100 exp)
§  There is a very narrow page way with steep steps descending deeper and the group can see a room. A warm dry breeze blows upwards. Brugga enters bravely and discovers a storeroom of fine rugs. Unrolling one, the pattern is of a strange creature which Brywynth identifies as a long-necked sheep, swears there are loads back his village. Confidently, the team decide to leave the valuable rugs here to pick up later. (50 exp)
§  Further down the stairs is another room, this time Brywynth takes the lead. A cat sized spider drops down and attacks, but shocked by his nakedness it is frozen for a second. Brywynth takes his chance and hits it with his penis, either because he is too weak to attack with his fists or because he is a pervert. He is victorious and others in his tribe will honour this bravery. (50 exp)
§  The room is filled with soft rocks and behind the pile there seems to be an engraving. Foolhardily forgetting about the spider, they move the soft rocks only to disturb a nest of spiders; four attack. All the group begin to fight, Claus is bitten, but luckily the poison is weak and only does minor damage. The group takes some hits, but eventually kill most of the spiders. Brugga wrestles the last one and has it pinned down. There is a free attack, but Brywynth sensing the tale of his penis spider slaying can become an epic battle to be song for generations to come, takes a gambit and tires to kill it with a soft rock in his sling, if he misses Brugga will surely be in trouble. It hits! The spider is defeated. The group rest and eat more soft rocks to heal. (50 exp)
§  The group notice Tommy is missing and they presume he was taken by a spider. Nobody cares and the adventure has changed from search and rescue to loot and escape.
§  Once rested they examine the fine painted stone relief which shows a mighty bird shooting lightening while fighting a giant two headed long neck sheep with a foreboding ziggurat in the background. The two-headed creature is very similar to the single headed creature design on the rugs of the previous room. The double headed long necked sheep stands victorious over the bird and on the ziggurat the strange beast is being worshipped by purple people. In the next scene on top of the ziggurat a purple man is sacrificing a slave and the deity is feeding off the blood. (50 exp)
§  The team descend, Talia is managing her fear of small spaces very well. At the bottom of the stairs the passage widens and there is a warm glow ahead and the sound of a waterfall. The group hear mutterings from a room to the right and they decide to investigate. (50 exp)
§  Inside they see a metal cage with a withered druid inside, hair to his knees, long curved nails and a wild beard. He has been living off licking water from the cave walls and eating rats. Chad wants to kill him straight away, but the rest of the group decide to listen. He is a druid and his name is Steppenwolf and he and his friend came to explore the cave after sensing a strong evil power. His friend, Zupper, was taken over by the dark power and imprisoned him but could not bring himself to kill Steppenwolf. He claims he has not seen any other humans and asks for help to find Zupper and perhaps he could help them since he knows a bit about the power here. To Chad’s disgust, the group free him. (50 exp)
§  The group leave and enter a giant cavern. The ceiling seems to be filled with stars, although the group do not recognise any constellations. In the centre there is a four story ziggurat and encircling it is a colossus stone henge, with 10 metre high stones. Around the henge is mercury moat with a mercury flowing down from the top of the ziggurat.  The ziggurat is silhouetted by a red glow from behind. To the right is a collapsed and precariously balanced group of three stones which has been cordoned off with rope. (50 exp)
§  Talia, Mr ling and Brywynth approach the fallen monoliths and Talia recognises the stone as obsidian.  Jumping over the cordon they start stroking the stones – so shiny and smooth. It unsurprisingly collapses! Talia and Brywynth manage to jump out the way and are only slightly hurt, but Mr Ling takes a giant slab to the chest. He rolls around in agony arguing that a 10 metre high lump of rock wouldn’t do that much damage, but he is soon healed by eating soft rocks. (50 exp)
§  Brugga notices in the rubble that there is an ornate old and bird feather headdress on a broken alter which he takes. Mr Ling, Brywynth and Talia all find obsidian shards that make dangerous, but brittle knives. Brywynth asks Brugga to swap the headdress for the knife because he loves hats apparently.  (50 exp)
§  Claus heads off to investigate the glow while the others head towards the ziggurat. On the ziggurat they see three stationary figures and one small moving character who looks like Tommy from afar. Mr Ling decides to stay back and get his bow ready while the others climb. At the top they see the small figure washing flesh coloured paint of his face – Tommy wasn’t a boy, he was a purple man in disguise! – he is recognised by Steppenwolf, its Zupper! The three stationary figures are statues – three strange cats with spots. The first has a hole in its chest and a bowl where the heart should be. The second has the top of his head missing with a bowl in its place. The third has arms out stretched with paws replaced by bowls. (50 exp)
§  Zupper explains the two-headed llama deity (it’s not a long-necked sheep after all!) is called CulaXotle and will grant its subjects with immense power for blood. He has been given immortality. The llama defeated the goody-two-shoes Pula Pula thunderbird and took away its flight. He was chained to earth so could never again feel the freedom the sky once gave him. All CulaXotle temples keep a giant flightless bird as a reminder of this great victory of darkness over light. He asks them to kill Steppenwolf, since he cannot bring himself to do it and that is why he lured them down here. Chad gets aroused by the prospect of a human sacrifice and attacks Zupper instantly. Steppenwolf shouts NOOOOOOOO! and turns into a wolf and attacks Chad. Game on! (50xp)
§  Claus gets to the other side of the cavern and finds another even larger cavern. He sees a strange exotic forest and further an island above a lava lake, linked to the land by a rope bride, which is covered in loot and a sleeping bird. Behind is lava waterfall! He hears a fight and heads back to the ziggurat. (50 exp)
§  On top of the ziggurat Chad goes all The Revenant and turns into a bear and is fucking strong. Zupper however is dam hard to hit and is a fast little bugger and stabs with two knives at a time. No matter how many times they hit him, he keeps healing. Brugga, Bear Chad and Brywynth attack Zupper while Talia takes on Steppenwolf. A mistake! The wolf knocks her down and starts mauling her, the next turn she might lose her throat. Mr Ling tries to do something and climbs up to the top. Claus has a choice between a bridge to get to the ziggurat or go over the mercury. He chooses the mercury. He floats! But is slowed. (50xp)
§  Bear Chad after taking an absolute beating that only a bear could take, manages to get Zupper in a bear hug and without stabbing anyone Zupper no longer heals. Brugga finishes the job by ripping his jaw from his head and Zupper’s brain falls to the floor. Meanwhile Mr Ling tries to mind control the wolf. Shit! He is only level one and cannot. He stabs the wolf instead. Talia is close to being killed and takes drastic action and manages to kick the wolf off her, she has a choice, kick it to the platform or kick it off the ziggurat and risk taking Mr Ling with it. Who the hell is Mr Ling anyway to her? Talia only met him an hour ago and has no loyalty… down they both tumble, all four floors. They hit the ground; Mr Ling is smashed to pieces and cannot move, the wolf though is next to him and still alive! Brywynth takes the shot, another soft potato fired off… a hit and Steppenwolf is killed. He transforms back into a naked human, all he wanted was to save his friend. Claus, out of breath, reaches the top to help everyone, but has missed all the action. Typical Claus. (50 exp)
§  The group think about healing Mr Ling, but the three statues begin to shake violently and glow ominously. They decide to complete the sacrifice and lay down the heart, brain and hands of Zupper on the statues. Blood flows down the ziggurat and the mercury turns red. A giant two headed llama appears over Mr Ling at the bottom of the ziggurat. Mr Ling cannot move and wets himself. The heads, eyes glowing red and level to the top of the ziggurat, turn and speak a strange language to the group before drinking all the mercury-blood and disappears. The group get the “evil” reward. A two-headed llama piñata lowers from the ceiling. Brugga and Talia smash it open and confectionary, a pair of blue earrings and a strange object (a book which no one knows what the hell that is, this is the bronze age people!) fall out. The druids sense great evil. Talia feels compelled to pick the book up. (50 exp)
§  Brugga decides to put an earring on his nob (why Brugga, why???), while Brywynth puts one of his nipple. The air crackles, the two woad warriors glow blue and Brugga’s cock points towards Brywynth. Seconds later the two are flung together and merge. Brygga feels strong, but is slow as decisions cannot be so easily made with two voices controlling one body. Everyone is supper excited. Claus uses his antler ritual to heal Mr Ling. (50 exp)
§  NO ONE searches the body of Zupper or Steppenwolf. Schoolboy error. (0 exp)
§  Brygga decide to see if they can take an earring off, they can and Brugga and Brywynth are blasted 20 foot apart. Brywynth manages to grab the edge of the platform, but Brugga falls off the ziggurat bouncing on his head a few times on the way down, he is seriously hurt and 1hp away from death. Chad, no longer a bear, uses his animal fat ritual to heal him. (50 exp)
§  Claus tell the group about the second coolest thing he has ever seen (the first being a llama deity), and describes the lava waterfall. The group head off together. Brywynth tries both earrings on his nipples and POP! He spits into two smaller versions of himself, Bry and Wynth. He was weak before, but now he is stupidly weak, but there are two of them. Everyone gets excited again. (50 exp)
§  The group get to the lava and jungle chamber. There are five spikey plant people walking around, but they are ignoring everyone. The trees are full of purple fruits, but they also find three yellow ones and four red ones. Brugga, Talia and Mr Ling all eat a yellow one, they all feel healthier and their maximum hp is increased by 1D4, nice! Chad feeling jealous eats a red one and feels quicker and smarter (+1 to all throws). Brugga takes one and throws the other two to Talia. Bry and Wynth try to distract her to grab the fruits. Epic fail, they bump into each other and end up hurting each other. Talia eats one, but throws the last red fruit to Bry and Wynth to laugh as they fight over it. DOUBLE EPIC FAIL OF ASTRONOMICAL UNLIKINESS. To determine who catches it, two D20s are rolled. Two “ones” are rolled. They collide and the fruit rolls off the edge of the ground into the lava. The cactus people stop, look at Bry and Wynth and laugh from their small black mouths before carrying on walking about. Brugga eats a purple fruit, turns purple and wants to taste blood, decides not eat another one. (50 exp)
§  The group see the sleeping bird, but it is now awake following all the noise the group made fighting over fruit and is going crazing, luckily it is chained. On the island they can see what look like four giant eggs, a load of silver, a musical horn, and on a pedestal a huge golden two headed llama statue. Brugga and Bry and Wynth have a plan. Brugga will run, go berserk, and gamble to hit and pin an earring on the thunderbird. A few high fives later and Brugga is running in magnificent nakedness across the rope bridge to the bird. He has gambled all his armour points to hit the bird in a gambit and is hopelessly exposed – cock, belly and neck all out in the open to be hacked off by 12 inch talons - if he fails either roll he is dead. Mr Ling uses stealth to cross the underneath of the rope bridge. (50xp)
§  He only went and did it! Brugga pins the earing on the giant bird’s tail although takes 6hp of electricity damage and falls to the ground convulsing. Brywynth is pulled over to the thunderbird and they join spectacularly together to make a birdman. Birdman cannot move since the indecision is overpowering – Brywynth wants to get out of the dungeon while the thunderbirds wants to kill everyone. The sync is so mismatched that any minute they might break apart. (50 exp)
§  Birdman can read the mind of the thunderbird and finds out that it really hates them because they helped the llama deity. He also finds out that the bird was raised by priests at the temple and that the birds can be controlled if raised from birth. The eggs also stay fine for thousands of years and then can be hatched after incubation. The cactus men guard the bird and they probably didn’t attack since they helped the llama deity. (50 exp)
§  There is a lot of treasure. The group lick their lips. But before Mr Ling can tell anyone not to pick up the two-headed llama gold statue on a pedestal, because it is probably on a pressure plate…. Brugga picks it up. Pants. The pedestal starts to lower, the whole cavern starts to shake, the celling begins to fall and lava erupts. Time to get a move on. They don’t have time to grab everything. The group decide to take the statue, eggs, a diamond, a dord (horned instrument) and pull the paralysed birdman. So much left behind. As they enter the next cavern they see the ziggurat is moving upwards and his huge and is starting to break through the ceiling. (50 xp)
§  They just make it out the dungeon before it collapses, but leave behind the llama rugs. They make their escape down through the forest and turn to see the broken ziggurat continue to climb into the sky. Where there was a forest before, now there is a mountain… Mount Death Frost is born! (50xp)
§  The thunderbird and Brywynth split and the thunderbird, startled and scared flees into the forest. Then the colossal two headed llama deity appears. Brywynth can now speak the strange language and can communicate with the deity. With its two heads it can see backwards and forwards in time, however its future is blocked from sight. It is clouded by an evil magical being who is now worshipped at the same site. CulaXotle though sees a band of adventures, who with the right weapons and luck, can defeat the necromancer king and allow him to be worshipped again. He led this ragtag band of nobodies to this site to bring to the surface the tools that would be required to help the adventures of the future and CulaXotle commands the band to bury the items to be discovered in over 3,000 years’ time. (50 exp)
§  In awe of the deity they all agree, except Brywynth – perhaps the mind melding with the thunderbird who hates CulaXotle had left a permeant mark in his subconscious – and he attacks. It was always going to be hard attacking a deity with a AC of 30 and before a dice is rolled a giant hoof crushes Brywynth. One head licks off the remains. The other head, jealous and feeling hungry, stamps on a random target – poor Brugga. Perhaps time and space was being warped by the presence of CulaXotle, because as the hoof came down, Brugga had a vision to engrave on the gold llama statue that it was meant for a beautiful elf (although he had no idea what an elf was). Brugga was then crushed and eaten. (50 exp)
§  The survivors, bury the items and leave Brugga’s stone sword as a marker. High fives and the gift of immortality all round for helping an evil bloodthirsty deity. (50 exp)
Total 1,600

§  Host with the most bonus – 1000 exp – Andy
§  Sir Walter Raleigh bonus – 50 exp
§  NSPCC bonus – 50 exp
§  Pretty in Pink bonus – 50 exp – James
§  Give it a name bonus – 50 exp
§  Fruit cocktail bonus – 50 exp
§  Conjoined twin bonus – 50 exp
§  Split personality bonus – 50 exp
§  Temple of Doom bonus – 50 exp
§  Animal whisperer bonus – 50 exp
§  Grand old Duke of York bonus – 50 exp
§  Adopt an orphan bonus – 50 exp
§  Collateral damage bonus – 50 exp
§  Apocalypto bonus - 50 exp
§  Jenga bonus – 50 exp each – Kitty, Charles and James
§  Epic roll fail bonus – 50 exp – James
§  Rivers of fire bonus – 50 exp
§  Rivers of blood bonus – 50 exp
§  Bloodlust bonus – 50 exp
§  No man left behind bonus – 50 exp
§  There’s more to life then taking all the treasure bonus – 50 exp
§  Mercury Prize bonus – 50
§  Near death bonus – 50 exp - Charles
§  Buck Rodgers bonus – 50 exp
§  Two heads are better than one bonus – 50 exp
§  Snack bringer bonus – 100 exp each – Charles, Henry and Kitty
§  Art attack bonus – 100 exp - Tom


Exp to be carried over to Lulu, Sophia etc. (calc hasn’t been checked, its bed time!)

Oli: 5,070
Andy: 6,070
Charles: 5,270
Henry: 5,170
James: 5,170
Kitty: 5,220
Tom: 5,170