Session 374 - Dragon Hoards!

 Date: 28 May

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: Eris

Events:

--- Lore Feast

- The party emerge refreshed from the extradimensional apartment into the caveman caverns below Dwimmermount. Those double-wide Dwarfs are still about, under the command of the Cosmog the emaciated ex-priest of the man-become-god Terms Termax.
- To their surprise, one of the Dwarves declares that he's originally from Salisburgh and was granted this long-lived Dwarf body as a reward from Terms Termax himself!

- The party have a classic decision - go up and find this Great Machine that's supposed to let Terms escape his prison, or go down in pursuit of LORE and the promise of meeting Terms' estranged lover Babylon Snels. They decide that down it is!

--- More Dragons Than You Can Shake a Dungeon At

- Unfortunately there's a whole family of wingless stone-skinned dwimmerdragons to get through if they want to reach the Deep City, and what's worse is they can smell the taint of Terms Termax on anyone who got stamped by a magical mouth on the prison level.
- Yes, they all got that stamp.
- Cosmog gives a rundown on the dragons. There's Dresseldrack (previously met) who smells like garlic. Handily this does cover up the smell of the stamp. Then there's Jarnabal, who due to complications with a Ravenous Zombie he ate one time is COMPLETELY mad until he's eaten a brain. Beyond him is Aryzmyr who is the youngest and vulnerable to flattery. Finally the big man patriarch himself Razylymvaerr who commands a whole volcanic zone and guards the stairs down.

- Oh hey and Cosmog's got a plan to deal with Terms Termax. See, if Eris ascends to the heavens it will lock Chaos out of the world and allow the Gods to control everything in perfect harmony. Terms Termax is planning to go up there instead and take control himself, granting limited magics to his followers. Cosmog's (admittedly half-baked) plan vis-à-vis Terms Termax is to install some kind of dead man's switch in Terms' angel metal body so that he can be controlled and prevented from reneging on his stated goals. Good right? Right...

--- Flattery Will Get You Anywhere

- The party set off, somewhat perturbed and fearful of the thing where consecutive nights in a dungeon make encounters more likely. They have spent a LOT of consecutive nights down here. It's fine for now though at least.
- Everyone puts on various potions and powders to get rid of the stink. Good thing Aximander's here and can change the perceptions of things. Instead of a dress into a ballgown, he turns tattoos into less stinky skin. Should work right?
- They follow the instructions and get to go straight to Aryzmyr's lair. The dwimmerdragon himself is stone-skinned and gem-encrusted, lying on a ledge and is indeed as vulnerable to blandishment as Cosmog said! Hagan and Grogg lay it on thick.
- He warns that his father will likely summon Jarnabal if he's even slightly suspicious of your motives, and Jarnabal can swim through stone.

- Aximander instead challenges Aryzmyr to a friendly duel. As it happens, Aryzmyr loves duels! He's even got a dojo at the back of the ledge! Let's do it!
- Alas for Aryzmyr, Aximander is a trickster. No sooner have they shaken hands (or at least grasped forelimbs), Aximander casts Reknit Essence and vanishes the dragon from this world! The dragon vanishes in a swirl of spaghettification to be made anew.
- Teehee, they gather up the loot! 100 gold pieces of Dwarven make, the Mountaintop Gauntlet that makes you ascend to the highest point of wherever you are so long as you're gripping something, the Moon Glaive which is more powerful under moonlight (and Hagan insists is not a glaive because it's a throwing disk not a polearm) and a long ladder woven from Dwarven beard hair. Not bad!
- They scarper before Arzymyr reappears.

--- Razylymvaerr's Bane

- They continue and come out into... what? A whole open-air area? This far down? Surely not!
- The sky burns with red stars that drip streams of magma across the scorched volcanic rock.
- The dragon himself peers down and laughs, his body covered in rich red rubies. He's huge, and has wings! The undersides shimmer with silver. He's beautiful.

- Hagan steps forth, declaring that he wishes to learn the ways of his ancestors. The Dragon laughs, but says that maybe Hagan still has a few drops of Terran blood in his veins after the years of interbreeding.
- Sydney basically calls bollocks on this whole open world area, it's defo an illusion. They cast Hallucinatory Terrain, the world shimmers... and something seems to snap! The illusion collapses, revealing Razylymvaerr to be somewhat less handsome, without working wings, at the end of a wide corridor, and set with lower quality rubies.

- Sydney summons a Sudden Siege Engine ballista and Grogg climbs aboard! As he's fired into battle, they hear a sound like spaghetti being unwound from somewhere behind them, and then Aryzmyr bellow "treachery!".

--- Get in the Dragon, Sydney!

- Grogg hits the Dragon and basically bounces off, albeit he manages to apply a bunch of Pain Poison to the dragon. Hagan follows up, misses, gets cold feet, and tries to escape into the nearby room. It's not just a room, it's a treasure room! 
- Taken aback by the riches, it's the only opening Razylymvaerr needs to follow and nearly bite him in half!

- It's suddenly a bit more dire than anyone expected. They need to do something drastic.
- Sydney nods to Aximander and charges in, spinning a fast-cast Mind Switch into creation! It nearly fails... then succeeds! Sydney IS the dragon! The dragon IS Sydney!
- Before Razylymvaerr can recover from this bizarre sequence of events, Aximander has slipped a ring onto Sydney's finger. There is a flash and Razylymvaerr-in-Sydney is a cat now. He struggles in vain.

--- I am Your Father
- Aryzmyr comes in at that moment, eyes flashing. Everyone else hides in the treasure room just in time! Aryzmyr looks good actually. He looks shrewd and moves with poise. Sydney is yet more shrewd, though, and tricks him into thinking it's still his dad in control of the dragon body! Aryzmyr leaves in a bit of a huff.

- The others cheer (quietly...) and loot the treasure room! There's a hoard of coins and gems, three sets of teleport beads, a pocketwatch that drops a corpse and turns you invisible when you're attacked, some potions, a scroll, and best of all a baby dwimmerdragon statue carved from jet black rock that acts like it's alive!

- Grogg is over the moon, there's never usually treasure when he's around!

--- Complications Arising From a Mind Switch

- Now there's just the question of what to do with this big dragon body Sydney's inside! They decide to scrape off those jewels for a start.
- This kills the dragon.

- Sydney is back in their body again. The only issue... so is Razylymvaerr! There was nowhere for his mind to go so it's in Sydney now. Brain roommates??
- Grogg devours the dragon corpse and steals its powers of illusion. I'm sure this will go well!
- Hagan checks out the long spiral borehole downwards. It's smooth, a long long ramp, like a huge screw. Good thing he's got that armour with wheels on it! He kneels and goes wheeeeeee!

- The others follow. When he reaches the bottom he sees glimmering lights over a crazy city built inside an enormous geode. The way is guarded by huge stone Dwarf statues. They have not moved yet though...

- The party collects themselves and has a quick meal break. There is a thrumming, deep singing, and a misty pearlescent haze of Azoth. They've finally reached it - the deepest point of Dwimmermount!

Total: 8000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- Aryzmyr, spaghettified and tricked (1250 exp)
- Razylymvaerr, mind-switched and murdered (1500 exp)
Total: 2750 exp

Treasures Looted:

- 1100gp (55 000 exp)

- 20000sp (20 000 exp)
- Bag o' Gems (5000 exp)

- Three sets of Teleport Beads

- Mountaintop Gauntlet
- Moon Glaive

- Dwarf Beard Rope Ladder

- Dead Ringer

- Jet Pet Dwimmerdragon (10 000 exp)

- Potion #147 - Growth
- Potion #285 - Bottle Imp

- Potion #27 - Overdose

- Scroll #6317 - Illusory Double

Total: 90 000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 192782 (Level up at 288000)

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 7 Languid Wastrel: 105658 (Level up at 144000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 7 Dwarf: 81330 (Level up at 128000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond! +Backstory!

- Charles / Grogg Greedy, Level 6 Inheritor: 37200 (Level up at 72000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Cap! +Backstory!

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Cap! +Backstory!

Session 280 - The Dragon and the Crack-Ferret

An escape from a Dragon, an encounter with a sneaky ferret that nearly killed Jeremy Wizard, and absolutely loads of fucking rain. It can only be overland travel through the wastes! At least you're near your goal now!

Session 280 - The Dragon and the Crack-Ferret

New Characters:
- Niamh, a familiar Cleric of the Enlightened faith.

Supplies:
- 13 Ferret Rations (13 exp)
Total: 13 exp

Kills:

- A massive ferret (250 exp)
Total: 250 exp

Expedition:
- Found Shielded Campsite (100 exp)
- Saw a Dragon (500 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Events:

--- Braving the Rain
- A summer storm beats down on the party’s campsite, rattling off the roof of the wagon and splashing over the bones of the skeletal steed. There’s one main problem - they’re hungry and Jeremy’s supply of rations has run low.
- They set out to forage and thunder cracks through the sky, a fizzing static sound comes from all around and everyone’s exposed gear is damaged, their arms and armour threaded with juddery lightning traceries! To add insult to injury, they find fuck all food in the poisoned waste.
- Back at the camp, Jeremy begrudgingly uses all of his magical reserves to Mend everyone’s gear and Niamh preaches the Enlightened gospel to a mostly receptive audience. The Blessing of the Lady is upon them - turn any roll into a coin flip today!

--- Vine Dragon
- As he does so, thick vines snake their way across the ground. Around them various plantlife grows and matures and dies and grows, a fast-forwarded flora. A Dragon must be near!
- Andromeda morphs into bat form and flies to investigate with her various visions. She soon finds it - more a moving mass of fast-growing greenery in the vague shape of a Dragon than an actual beast of flesh and bone.
- She flies back and the party quickly decamp in the pouring rain. There is a brief argument over whether they should fight or flee - Dragon hearts are valuable and useful for rune-magic after all - but the issue is forced when the shambling shape of that very monster looms in the downpour!
- Jeremy screams, jumps into the skeleton spider-horse steed, and goes! The others grab on as he careens past, spraying mud across the vine-covered ground, going as fast as he can to evade the great Dragon!
- The Lady’s blessing immediately comes in handy, allowing even the least skilful driver to at least have even odds of successfully piloting the wagon under pressure.
- The Dragon takes to the sky, spreading massive fern frond wings and chasing after the wagon with a sound like wind through trees. Andromeda takes to the sky too, bat wings flapping, and draws the beasts’ attention! She successfully draws it away and the wagon continues on at great speed, jouncing across the rough terrain and pouring rain.

--- Hiding in the Crack
- Soon the wagon leaves the vine-strewn ground of the dragon’s home. Through the ever-present rain they can see that the ground is cracked and broken around here, strange rolls of earth like crashing waves frozen into dirt. More importantly, some of these waves form long tubes that can be sheltered in!
- They take the opportunity to do just that, Andromeda taking watch as usual. Jeremy, freaked out by the idea of Dragons, goes as deep into the safety hole as he can.
- This is an almost fatal error - during the night Jeremy feels something tapping on his head. He opens his eyes to see a huge and pure black ferret staring into his eyes! It goes for his throat, silently choking him!
- Even Andromeda’s enhanced hearing can’t detect this silent killer. Thankfully Jeremy’s bee familiar can! It buzzes over the Andromeda and buzzes angrily, and when she turns she sees exactly what’s going down with her heartbeat vision!
- The thing is powerful, but not as powerful as Andromeda’s vampire-strength! She burns blood to wrestle the ferret off of Jeremy’s neck, and he gets a hand free to send a Magic Missile into it at point-blank range!
- In the cramped fold of hillside it’s nigh-impossible for Niamh and Red to help, but they try. Niamh at least heals Jeremy, Red tries to stab past into the ferret, and finally Andromeda manages to drain the last of the blood from this ferrety foe!
- The horror defeated, the rest of the party try to get some rest. In the morning they awake to the “interesting” scent of Ferfect Frazzlejack Ferret - a mix of tenderised ferret meat and frazzlejack. It’s surprisingly ok!

--- Road Get!
- In the morning the rain finally clears! Thank goodness! They set off again and avoid the dragon’s lair, soon coming to an actual trail on the edge of the woods, wonderful! Everything’s working out nicely!
- They roll off down the trail at a much greater speed than previously, heading down towards Puddle on their pre-apocalypse map. The trail takes them into a boggy forest and through to Puddle which is being reclaimed by the marsh. Nevertheless, there’s evidence that somebody’s been here recently - muddy tracks and the remains of a campfire.
- They camp here in the ruins for the night. It rains during the night, but eases into a muggy haze in the morning. Heading further gets them to the outskirts of what was once the village of Pindle, so they turn south-east towards their goal.
- At the crossroads is a pub called Crossroads and there’s… a small man waving at them from the door? Suspecting ghosts or some similar shenanigans, they bravely roll onwards.
- Further along they see ash-blackened skeletons standing by the roadside. Said skeletons turn to follow the wagon as it passes by them, so Jeremy digs in his heels and gets the wagon to get out of there!

--- The Glassmaker of Despond

- They reach Despond on the edge of the massive lake called the Lone Sea in good time. Sir Robyn’s tower is somewhere between here and the village of Pond to the south. Something piques Andromeda’s interest - a glassblower’s shop with a puff of smoke rising from the chimney!
- She enters the place and looks around… and notices a nigh-invisible creature open the door to the office and slip through. Mystery!!

- We end on that little cliffhanger! Surviving a dragon, a massive ferret, and loads of rain is no easy feat!

Total: 6000 exp

Roles:
Remembrancer: Charles (100 exp)
Triage: Timothy (100 exp)
Vanguard: Kitty (100 exp)
Expedition Leader: Timothy (100 exp)

OOC Bonuses:
- Art Attack bonus (Charles - 100 exp)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 8 Andromedan Vampire: 163356 (Level MAX)

- Tim / Red, Level 8 Duellist Fighter: 150949 (Level MAX)

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 99098 (Level up at 144000)

- James G / Niamh, Level 1 Enlightened Cleric: 1716 (Level up at 2250)

Session 257 - Chasing the Crystal Dragon

After leaving the dangerous high level zone of the Dino-Dome the party find themselves on a nice, relaxing trip back to - A DRAGON?!

I'm telling you, these things always show up when Tom turns up for the first time in a while!

And on top of that, another rare encounter! This one with Gifflewim, back once again!

How very exciting!

Session 257 - Chasing the Crystal Dragon

Date:

February. 15 years after the End.

New Characters:
- Rivière, a death cultist Necromancer who immediately swore himself to Drake Blackthorn’s service. Survival through death!

New Backstory:
- Nobody hubristically challenged a god-like being and was punished terribly for it. At-will, force a creature to prioritise you.
- Drake Blackthorn was terribly overweight for a time due to a very calorific concoction he made in his lab. +1 AC for ten minutes after downing alcohol.
- Jeremy Wizard has a crush on Red after having her take him under her wing. It’s a seeeecret crush though, especially since Red has the emotional intelligence of a wooden spoon. If your crush would be damaged in combat, you can jump in the way and take double the damage instead.

Events:

--- The Road Ahead
- It’s time to leave Enoch and head across the snowy wastes to New Moondin - taking the party’s vast supplies of iron rations to people who’ll actually appreciate them. It’s at least a couple of days travel though, and gods know what happened to their off-road wagons after Dargo ascended.
- Thankfully they’ve got a fair bit of social capital after giving their dinosaur meat to the people of Enoch, so they get them to bodge together a wagon! Between that and the recently reclaimed Skele-bike from the local mass graves, they’re in business!
- The plan is to take a wagon-load of iron rations to New Moondin, cash them in for wagon money, then schlep it back to Enoch for the rest. Pearl promises to keep the rations safe - the people of Enoch are tired of iron rations anyway.

--- Crystal Disaster
- They make good time on the actual real roads! Turns out wagons are meant to travel on roads, not jounce through thick jungle! Who knew! It’s still winter so the days are short, but thankfully Andromeda is happy to take a shift as the vampire night-driver.
- They reach a crossroads and turn south towards Kink, following an old map from before the Apocalypse. All goes well until Andromeda hears a shattering crunching sound as if they’re rolling over broken glass! She looks down and sees icy crystalline structures growing around the wheels, slowing them down!
- She yells to the others for help and they emerge from the cabin, trying to get the ice off with heat runes and chipping away at the axle, but it’s to no avail. The ice is actually crystal! Andromeda has a horrifying realisation just as Jeremy Wizard points overhead! It’s a crystal dragon, drifting in from above, heralded by sweet crystal chimes!

- Andromeda decouples the skele-bike and does some burnouts to stop it locking up, Jeremy dives into the wagon, and the dragon crackles past overhead.
- There is a moment as it seems to have just flown past… then the barrage of crystal shards hits! The jagged razor-edged crystals pepper the wagon, scything through the roof and tearing through the people within! Drake Blackthorn loses some fingers and Rivière takes massive tearing damage that shatters his collarbone. Worse - the breath has left behind swarms of whirring sharp minions that seek to finish the job!
- Andromeda screeches round in the direction of the dragon, guns the bike, then blasts out of her armour in bat form! She zooms up as fast as her wings can carry her, shifts back into naked vampire form, and bites its crystal hide! It initially throws her off, but she recovers and sends it rolling off into the near distance!
- Drake patches up his bleeding and makes a dash for the skele-bike with Nobody, while Jeremy Wizard tries to clear out the sharp minions with a grenade throw! The grenade bounces off the inside of the window frame and Jeremy looks at it with horror as it explodes! Jeremy and Rivière are blasted out of the wagon! Jeremy straight up at an angle, Rivière out the window.
- Rivière falls through the air, sharp minions swirling and twirling to catch him as he flies. With the last of his strength he casts Dig Grave - but the spell goes awry and a Chaos Burst is released. The grave appears beneath him…

- Rivière’s heart explodes in his chest and he thumps into the grave like a sack of meat.

- BUT! The Chaos Burst was merely one of temporary death! He will arise in 24 hours in this place in the same condition he was in when he died! The true power of the death cultist, life-in-death!

- The dragon turns in a lazy circle, Andromeda still clinging to its back, and swoops in for another pass. Nobody picks the bike back up and hops on the back so that Drake can drive.
- Drake is sliced by the sharp whirring swarms and briefly passes out, but Andromeda shoots a ranged lightning-heal from above! To her dismay it passes through the dragon without harming it, but at least Drake is back up and on the bike! The display of Clerical magic triggers something in Nobody and he zaps a second lightning-heal towards the still-airborne Jeremy Wizard, destroying some shard-swarms on the way!
- Drake revs the necro-bike and Nobody is suddenly smacked from behind by a huge lump of flesh. It wraps around him and, horrified, he sees its face - it’s Jeremy Wizard! He turned into flesh-goop form to survive the fall, and to fit on the bike!
- Perturbed but somehow ok with this, Nobody turns in his seat and takes out the Mag-Cannon. He fires it up at the dragon, hoping to scare it off, and suddenly realises that he is the one who’s scared! The dragon swooping down on him is scary as fuck! He’s gonna die!
- Thankfully Drake is fucking fast, and Andromeda is slowing down the incoming dragon. Drake guns the necro-bike and they’re away! Nobody sprays the wagon, and the remaining swarms of crystal minions, with his uzi as they escape.

- Andromeda sees they’ve got away and turns into gas form. The confused dragon circles a few times then flies off, leaving Andromeda to drift down after the rest of the party. An excellent escape!

--- Return to Kink
- After several hours the skelebike rolls up into Kink with no additional problems, except for the time when Jeremy Wizard’s body popped back into shape. Andromeda turns up soon after, having travelled by wolf form.
- They break into the basement that the lust demon used to live in and those who need to sleep do so. Andromeda pokes around the town, finding a stonemason’s with some statues in it. She heads  back to the wagon by bike and picks it up along with her somewhat rain-eaten armour. Thankfully the dragon is gone, along with its crystal environmental effects.

--- So Close to Home
- In the morning there’s a bit of a delay as Drake fixes up everyone’s stuff, repairing armour and fixing the wagon. It really took a beating! He also slaps together some shields from various detritus in the dead village, and constructs replacement fingers for those he lost to the dragon’s crystal breath.
- They ride back to New Moondin, wary for dragons again. They pass by a grouping of angels with not much fuss, Nobody staying in front of the Chaotic people to foil alignment scans, and take the winding turn up through the hills to New Moondin.
- They pass through the edge of the Storm Shell for the first time in months! The air inside is cleaner, the acid rain less acidic. It doesn’t feel quite as good as it used to though - the rain’s just a little bit more itchy than it used to be.

--- Gifflewim

- As they cross the familiar bridge across the deep gorge to New Moondin, they hear some haunting bassoon music drifting through the rain. It’s Gifflewim! Everyone’s favourite arguably-legit semi-trustworthy merchant friend!

- He gives them the latest - Styx is in control of New Moondin, the Brotherhood have fled and are lying low in Prepperton, and the Necromancers have teamed up with Singular Thay somewhere in the Fallow. It’s a real pickle.
- Trading ensues. He gives Jeremy the Snels Virus in exchange for his soul. To get his soul back Gifflewim will take a dragon heart. Nobody asks for a shortcut to Prepperton in exchange for a secret. That secret - he’s been Damnation Snels all along! Except slightly younger! And probably from the Matrix we don’t know!
- Andromeda trades the jar of her own vampire grave dirt to Gifflewim. He gives everyone cool black cloaks and a couple of glowing gems - one takes them to Prepperton, the other takes them to the Underhive beneath New Moondin. The black cloaks will protect them during the teleport, it’s dangerous otherwise.
- They do this now, triggering the Prepperton stone and vanishing in a puff of darkness!
- They emerge from a bonfire in the middle of Prepperton, shocking the gathered populace! They step out of the flames and Snels’ hood falls down, revealing his face! A number of people fall to their knees - Damnation Snels! Returned from the dead as was prophesied!

Total: 5000 exp

Team Bonus:

- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Better Part of Valour bonus
- Classic Charles bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Rescue bonus
- Dramatic Chase bonus
- Dramatic Escape bonus
- Fame bonus
- Hard Bargain bonus
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus
- Long Deliberation bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Mad Inventor bonus
- Michael Bay bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus

Total: 850 exp

Individual Bonus:

- Chronicler (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (George / Damnation Snels - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Tom / Rivière - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Tom / Rivière - 100 exp)

- Vanguard (Russell / Drake Blackthorn - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / Damnation Snels - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Tom, Charles - 500 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Attacco d’Arte bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience bonus (Rivière, Drake - 100 exp ea.)

Serious Injuries:
- Drake Blackthorn lost some fingers.
- Rivière has a broken collarbone. Recovery time: 1d6+6 weeks.

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 7 Andromedan Vampire: 139554 (Level up at 144000)

- George / Damnation Snels, Level 6 Born Again Barbarian: 34392 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 5 Magic-User: 24810 (Level up at 36000)

- Russell / Drake Blackthorn, Level 3 Specialist: 4510 (Level up at 6000)

- Tom / Rivière, Level 1 Necromancer: 1470 (Level up at 2250)

Session 235 - Dragon Doom

A fight against an actual dragon! Death and dismemberment! Kitty survives by pure bullshit! Tom dies a lot and fucks over the party! Grumpy is grumpy! Gifflewim shows up!

Man that session was a real microcosm of our game, and all from a single small decision to take some treasure back to town while other people were away. Upshot is that Damnation Snels can literally see sin now, and Andromeda is a flame-eyed night-skinned black-scaled dragon person with wings. The more things change the more they stay the same I guess! Plus we've got some more foreign correspondence from the Red Letter this week...

Murder in the Meatlands Red Wooster Editrix in Chief Someone was supposed to write this bit, but they got eated by a pig. It was a big pig though, like not a normal pig, a super big one! Anyway, mostly I am not supposed to write because I am the boss they say, but right now I did so much stabbing that I think I have earned it. Plus, most of the other people here have hurt arms and legs because they are not the best at duelling like I am. But anyway, that's not important, the important bit is us coming here. It is way cool here because everything is made out of food!! That food also wants to eat you, but you just stab it enough and it dies!!! And then you eat it!!!! It is so cool!!!!! Ok, so Chastity says I can't use so many exclamation marks, but what does she know? Just because she has a handbag, and makeups, and so many pretty dresses. I'm still the boss, that's what Editdix means! Anyway she is off doing weird stuff with Barrett and she doesn't want to be bothered then, even if it is important or I am curious. So I am allowed to write the article! Let me tell you, it is all very gooey here. Like everything is made from insides, but there are also things here where their outsides are like their insides. It is ok though, because they get stabbed just like regular things and their blood comes out, even though they look inside out, isn't that cool? And then we came to a house, and the house people were really nice. And they talked to us, but I wasn't listening. Instead I went and patted the other Barrett who is all tied up. Barrett doesn't know that I know there are two of him, but I like that there are two of him because he said he was my friend and if there are two of him there are twice as many friends. Anyway, then the house that the house people were at turned out to be a big monster, and the house people were not people but a bit of its tongue. It was like this time that Dad brought both of me to the ocean floor and there are these fish that lure other fish with lights. So, some people got eaten by them, and we were sad, but not too sad because I hit it real hard with a sword and then we ate it and it was yummy. There are many things here which are fun to fight, most of them are nice to eat too, except the ones that aren't. Don't eat those ones. I give this destination five stars!

---

and we have a fiction fanatic from Carter who introduces to that most fell of beings... the Shovelman... Shovel A group of miners yawned around the campfire, struggling to stay awake through their watch. Young people all, they had been pressed into their duties by the older miners who valued their sleep. ‘I heard the only reason there’s a watch is that the Shovelman is about’ one whispered to his companions. Every miner was Arnold Nonynus to outsiders but when they were alone this one was called Jeb. ‘Eh, the Shovelman is just a story Arnold came up with. Wants to big himself up ‘innit.’ As the latest rumour to hit the mines came up everyone started to sit up. ‘I heard the Shovelman can extinguish all torches with a wave of his staff.’ ‘Staff? I thought it was a halberd’ ‘If he’s carrying stuff like that why are we calling him the Shovelman?’ asked the Angela Nonynus on guard duty. A pretty young thing she was a devout Laddite and all the boys enjoyed the sight of her devotions during a storm. ‘Because,’ Jeb answered, dropping his voice into a stage whisper, ‘after he puts out the lights, he picks up your shovel and beats you to death with it. If you try to flee he’ll fling it and take out your legs.’ ‘But don’t worry,’ the Arnold called Hammer guffawed. ‘I’ll protect you.’ Hammer drew the ire of every young man there as he casually draped one arm over the Angela’s shoulder, and the laughter of everyone when she elbowed him in the face and he toppled back off the lump of rock they were using as a bench. When he surged back to his feet everyone stood up. ‘Walk it off Arnold,’ everyone chanted together. Flipping them off the embarassed Hammer stomped off into the dark. The others settled back at the campfire as the cruch of his footsteps faded away. ‘Who else has a Shovelman story,’ Angela invited and the boys set to weaving elaborate stories. The first ones were shaky as they started inventing and weaving their tales but as the night bore on each tale became an elaborate sketch of darkness and horror. - An hour later, an Arnold commented ‘Where has Hammer got to?’ Everyone had been having a good time laughing at Jeb who had flubbed the delivery of his story so badly it had become a comedy. As Arnold asked everyone felt an unseasonable chill and started looking out into the darkness, night-blind from the fire. ‘Arnold,’ Angela boomed in a voice so loud the others covered their ears, ‘Get your ass back here!’ No sound returned, not even annoyed grunts from the miners’ cabins to keep it down. They had moved to the further away second firepit to escape the foul smell of something that had burned at dinner. As the seconds ticked by and no sound was forthcoming, Angela started drawing in breath for another shout when something came flying out of the darkness at her head. One of the Arnold’s smacked it off course and it slammed into the gravel by the fire. A shovel. ‘Oh real funny Hammer,’ Angela called out, quieter and her voice less certain. ‘I’m not sure it was a joke,’ Jeb interrupted pointing at a red smear over the edge of the shovel’s blade. Worse when he picked up the hammer to look at it closer, a lump of matted hair slid off the edge and splat loudly against the ground. ‘Fuck! Hammer, call out here!’ Arnold screamed into the darkness. Standing on the edge of the circle of light it seemed to be getting darker around him. Glancing at his feet the circle of firelight was retreating. Scrambling backwards he stared at the fire. The flames were slowly shrinking and leading from the darkness to the fire was a line of frost. Everyone felt the chill of night around them but also the uncomfortable cold of glyph magic. After some shimmying an Arnold jumped onto the line, protecting the fire and freezing himself. After a few moments the beam of frost abated and the Arnold started to warm again but the fire was low and the circle of light had shrunk. ‘Stand and fight coward’ someone shouted into the darkness and soon everyone was shouting. After a minute with nothing happening they fell silent and fear clawed at their hearts. Someone started to speak but fell silent as they all heard the scarpe of something metal being drawn through the gravel. Slowly, out of the darkness between them and the cabins, something was approaching.

---

Session 235 - Dragon Doom

Date:
15 years after the End.

March 

New Characters:
- Abraxas, a wizard who has somehow survived out in the wastes gnawing on bones. He says his arcane knowledge came from someone he ate, along with his memories of being more than 150 years old.
- Unnamed Ratman, a ratman released from the earth with an outrageous foreign accent. Cursed with naiveté.
- Arnold Nonymous, one of many of the Arnolds who work in the saviourbone mine - and a secret goblin!

New Backstory:

- Grumpy: Well known for being the party’s main cook, Grumpy’s rarely cooked a meal that wasn’t incredibly tasty. +1 Intelligence Modifier

Character List:

Murders:
- An Explosion Dragon (1500 exp)
Total: 1500 exp

Salvage:
- An Explosion Dragon Core (10 000 exp)
- Dragon Skin
- Infra-Eyes
- Devil Eyes
Total: 10 000 exp

Events:

--- Expedition Day 3: Stormy Sunrise
- The sky crackles over the party’s camp at the edge of the Storm Shell. It is the Warning, the stormy weather system that often presages a deadly Gas Front. Thunder booms as lightning strikes the huge hemispherical body of the Seraphim crashed a mile or so beyond the dome, exposed to the post-apocalyptic elements.
- Man-sized brass orbs have been left dotted in small groups around the camp - the deactivated corpses of Angels the party recently defeated. They’re heavy but rather valuable, and the question of the day when the party emerge from their sealed tents is what to do with them.
- Damnation Snels recommends burying them for now, then heading back out to the crashed Seraphim for more. Grumpy insists that it’ll be easier to just drag them back to New Moondin, saying that he can’t be bothered to dig holes all day.
- Andromeda breaks the tie, "we might as well take them back to Moondin to kill time". Travelling outside of the Shell during the Warning is way too risky and they might as well do something while they wait for it to pass.
- As they’re about to leave, a wanderer from the wastes shows up! Holding nothing but rags and a bone he carved with strange symbols. He is intrigued by the survival gear and filter masks of the party, especially since he somehow survived out there without them!

--- Rolling Out

- An extra pair of hands is very welcome, and together the party set off towards New Moondin with the angel corpses lashed together with ropes bobbling along behind them. It’s slow going.
- They make for the POWERLAD skeleton on the hilltop to the south - the site of the Saviourbone Mine. On the way the air turns sour - a waft of choking mist that exhausts them as they travel. Abraxas’ firefly familiar hides deeper in his scraggly beard.
- It takes them a good few hours to get up the hill and they’re absolutely pooped by the time they reach the mine. They’re forced to rest a while, and while they do they ask around for whether someone here can take the angels back for them.
- All the miners call themselves Arnold Nonimus to outsiders, possibly for tax reasons. They’re willing to courier the angels for 20 obols each - a price the party finds outrageous! Snels tries to con a man into digging holes for him but doesn’t have much luck. Andromeda tries to forecast the weather and finds its’ too changeable to tell.
- There are still a few hours left in the day and New Moondin is just a few miles away so they decide to press on. Even if they have to travel at night they can just follow the road now. They set off downhill, following the road through the pass through the hills. Abraxas cantrips Fairie Fire to lead them from cairn to cairn. Just a short walk down to the town. Nothing could go wrong, could it?

- Spoilers: It could.

--- BOOM
- The Dragon erupts from the earth!

- Searing bright skin leaves after-images as it stutter-shifts forwards! It jitters and shimmers, a chaos of stop-start strobing movement, juddering and huge.
- Abraxas begins to cast a spell and BOOM it’s behind Andromeda! Reforming from scattered strings of explosive force, it grabs her in its jaws and shakes her around dealing massive damage!
- It is orange-white and wiry, caught in a constant continuing explosion somehow constrained into a dragon-shape. Its eyeless face holds the Mass rune. Grumpy jabbers away madly about runes and glyphs and what this even means!

- Abraxas’ faerie fire surrounds it in a shimmering purple veil of flame and Andromeda draws on POWERLAD’s energies to grow huge and buff! She tries to force its jaws open with the massive greathammer to no avail.
- Damnation Snels runs in to save her, forcing its jaws apart with his arms, but it’s not enough! Andromeda’s leg is nearly torn off as she twists against its teeth.
- She screams in pain and yells down its gullet, shouting that she’s part of Ereshkigal’s drakencult herself! They’re the same!
- The dragon freezes for a second, and a voice echoes up from inside it! It’s the voice of a Banjo Fishwick, one of the many time-cloned cultists from before the apocalypse! He tells her to get away, he can’t hold it for long!
- Abraxas is out of spells so he tries over-casting, drawing on chaotic energies to pull together a Magic Missile and sending it into the dragon’s head! Explosive shards scatter from the impact point and the feedback hurts him, his firefly familiar zipping out of the dragon’s mouth and into his chest which opens up as a black sucking wound.
- Andromeda lands on the ground and heals herself with POWERLAD’s grace, then gets to a distance so she can re-engage. Damnation Snels lets go of the dragon’s jaws and swings up onto its head, shooting the dragon in the skull! It’s not enough, and the beast’s head snaps up to chomp him with its detonating fangs!
- Abraxas, undaunted, starts weaving another Magic Missile while Grumpy wields his glaive like a golf club to smack an explosive shard back into the dragon! The force is enough to give Snels an opening and he breaks out of its mouth and rolls, leaping to his feet and running back the other way!

- Grumpy attempts to turn the angel corpses into a terrain hazard by blowing up a bunch of explosive shards to no avail - they’re too heavy.
- Abraxas opens his veins to fuel the magic and hits the dragon with another Missile. He blacks out for a moment and falls to his knees, but he’s still standing!
- Snels breaks out of the dragon’s jaws again, flips his pistol around, and tries to blind the dragon somehow! Its eyeless face swings towards him and he shoots it in the forehead! A chunk of its face is blown off, but the impact gets Snels in the face! He’s blind too!
- The dragon roars and BOOM it’s suddenly on Andromeda again, blind but attracted by their common bond! She ducks under its claws and it hurts itself in its blindess.
- Abraxas tries for another Magic Missile… but it’s too much. Chaos manifests through him, metal spires and bridges crossed by small arguing people judge him lacking, and a marble statue of a woman erupts from his skull and pulls out his eyes from behind. He stays there, unmoving, a grim tableau. The dragon doesn’t care at all.

- It bites down at Andromeda… and stops! Grumpy’s shot it through the jaw, disabling its bite! Andromeda doesn’t miss a beat, she takes the god-hammer, leaps up off the dragon’s snout, and sends herself flying into the air above the dragon!
- She seems to pause their a moment, held in midair, then falls down towards the dragon’s head!
- BOOM
- She plummets right through the dragon’s skull!

- There is a beat as she lands under its shattered head. The dragon glows orange, then yellow, then white. And
- BOOM! 

- The dragon explodes!
- Andromeda is thrown wetly into the hillside and erupts into flames! Her clothing, armour and skin are vapourised and she shrieks as she stumbles down the hill, trailing fire.

- Suddenly Snels is there, sprinting down the opposite hill, hands alight with healing energies. Grumpy wills the Void Pet to cover Andromeda… and it obeys him! The grey ooze ripples through the intervening space and wraps her in its cool star-flesh.
- Snels heals her through the goop and she collapses to the ground, breathing hard through the coating of gunmetal grey that is forming to her body. She’s alive!
- In the silence that follows, they notice that where the dragon once stood is a shining boulder of black crystal, an exploding man-shape trapped within its depths.

--- Expedition Night 3: Ratboy and the Miners
- The sun dips towards the horizon, sending shining purple aurorae shimmering off the Storm Shell which still crackles with the Warning. A snuffling figure crawls towards a group of people from the crack a dragon opened in the ground. He is a Ratman, drawn by the smell of cooked flesh.
- They see him coming. There is a blind human man, a being made of night, and a Dwarf who pays him to go to go up the road and get help from the men who mine a dragon’s bones.
- The Dwarf swathes the night-lady in a cloak as the Ratman moves off. Easy money! He chitters a joke to the rat on his shoulder. He hears the Hideyhole Rats living nearby snigger at his good joke.

- It’s an hour to the bone mine and the night has fallen by the time he arrives. The moon is a thin crescent above the clouds, it’s pitch dark but the Ratman has clever whiskers to see with. His nose and whiskers find bins! He snuffles around the bins and finds a juicy snack when he tips one over. Delicious!
- There is a cry from the mine and a lantern is lit. He’s caught in the lantern light! He tries to explain himself, but nobody likes a Ratman. They tell him to leave, but he refuses and tries to explain!
- The warning shot goes over his head, but he is a brave rat and won’t back down! The second shot nearly misses him, shearing fingers off his paw! It hurts! It hurts bad!
- The guard approaches, gun drawn, and the Ratman lunges! He bites with his sharp teeth and they close on… a gun?

--- Night of the Shovelman
- Arnold Nonimus pulls the trigger. The shot blasts straight through the horrid creature and out the back of its neck, severing the spine. He did it! What a fucking hero!
- The ratman’s body slumps to the ground, oozing pus, and he turns around to tell the other miners about his success! The beast even had cash on him, classic monster-slaying reward.
- None of the other miners know this Arnold Nonimus’ secret - he’s a goblin in disguise! Not that it matters - he’s just a goblin trying to make his way in the post-apocalyptic world.

- The miners clap him on the back and congratulate him on his success defending the mine… when suddenly another shape looms from the darkness! It’s another monster! The miners open fire, and are horrified when the shape speaks!
- Shots whirr out into the darkness, any that hit barely seem to harm it. What the hell is that thing? Something spins out of the dark and shatters the lantern. A shovel!?
- In the dark there is a cry as a miner is hit by something shovel-shaped. Fear! Fear in the ranks! The Shovelman is here, and he cannot be killed!
- The trapdoor to the miner’s shelter pops open, shedding light amongst the terrified miners. Another shovel whirrs from the darkness, shuffing shovel-first into the earth next to the open hatch!
- The Arnold Nonimus in the hatch starts passing out loaded carbines and Make-Light runes hewn from Saviourbone. They toss the lights out, and reveal… nothing. The Shovelman is gone.

--- Gifflewim’s Great Deal
- A decidedly miffed Grumpy stumps down the road away from the Saviourbone Mine. It’s just not fucking fair. And what happened to that ratman? Did he nick the money or what? At least he put the fear of the Shovelman in those idiots.

- He comes across Andromeda and Snels who were following at a slower pace. They’re looking up at daylight shining from on top of a cliff, even though it’s night. What’s going on?
- Andromeda wills her Void Pet to take her up there, and it does! But in so doing it tears off from her skin, causing her immense pain! Nevertheless she’s up there now. Those below hear a cry of recognition - “Gifflewim?”
- Indeed, it is he! He stands behind a fine wooden desk at the centre of a bubble of a warm spring day, holding an umbrella that keeps the light sprinkling of rain off his head. He wears a fine suit, and greets Andromeda as a friend. He has many wares to trade - strangeness for strangeness.
- She asks for skins and is given a range of options - Metal Skin, Ghost Skin or Dragon Skin. Snels is brought up to the barter table when she asks Gifflewim about eyes. He offers Infra Eyes, Ultra Eyes and Devil Eyes. Bartering begins in earnest!
- He is extremely interested when the prospect of trading the explosion dragon’s core is raised. It’s shockingly valuable… but so is skin and sight.
- A deal is struck! The dragon core for a set of skin and two pairs of eyes! Andromeda takes the Dragon Skin - granting her boosted AC and the ability to fly for an hour per day - and a pair of eternally-burning Infra-Eyes that allow her to see in Predator-style heat vision. Snels takes the snake-pupilled Devil Eyes, allowing him to see sin!
- Gifflewim takes the stone, warping it to his side. He experiments with it, tracing a Make-Mass glyph and powering it successfully! The stone cracks slightly.
- “That’s interesting,'' he says with a wink at Grumpy who’s just managed to climb up the cliff, then claps his hands and disappears! Gifflewim is gone.

Total: 3100 exp

Team Bonus:
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Better Part of Valour bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Rescue bonus
- Holy bonus
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus
- Infamy bonus
- Internecine Strife bonus
- Leave a Man Behind bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Michael Bay bonus
- PETA bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- Vore bonus
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong bonus
- What The Fuck Guys bonus
- WWE bonus
Total: 1100 exp

Individual Bonus:
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (George / Snels - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (Tom / ? - 100 exp)
- Triage (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / Snels - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Kitty, Tom - 500 exp ea.)
- Art Attack bonus (Tom, Carter - 100 exp ea.)
- Artapalooza bonus (Tom, Carter - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience bonus (Andromeda - 100 exp ea.)
- Death’s Witness Bonus (Snels, Andromeda, Grumpy - 100 exp)

Injuries:
- Damnation Snels lost his eyes in a gambit. He later got them replaced with Demon Eyes.
- Andromeda lost her skin when an Explosion Dragon detonated in its death throes. She survived when her Void Pet bonded to her skin, and has since gained Dragon Skin and Infra-Eyes.

Death Toll:
- Abraxas the Mage, killed when a marble-skinned woman erupted from his skull and bathed in his brain matter.
- Ratboy, a poor unassuming ratman shot to death when he approached a camp at night.

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 6 Laddite Cleric: 40085 (Level up at 56000)

- George / Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, Level 6 Snelsman Cleric: 31331 (Level up at 56000) Level Up: +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Starting Faith! +Backstory!

- Carter / Granite "Grumpy" Ironjaw, Level 5 Grudgesmith Dwarf: 24642 (Level up at 35200)

- Tom / Tom's Next Character: +4725 exp