Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Session 157 - Candy Crushers

This is REALLY LATE so fuck it I'm sending it now, see you guys in half an hour. COMING IN HOT!

The Halloween Special was a hell of a ride.
Terrifyingly fluffy poodles, adorably murderous cherubs, and a beautiful unicorn of ancient doom.

Plus, massive campaign upheaval!
We're here for a good time, not for the end times.

Excerpt from The Termaxian Battletome, Book of Seraph, Chapter 3 verses 1-6. 1 On the first day of her time in Loegria, Seraph, who is known as Sister Dawnstride, and her disciples came to the woods of Helix, near Moondin, that is known today as Rakedin. 2 There they found the kingdom of the half-men, and, having been met with some resistance, went against the infidels. 3 On the second day Seraph said: “Go, now, and slay the half-men. For though they wear upon their faces sweet smiles, in their hearts is nought but sin.” And so it is that on All Hallow’s Eve the priests of Termax go from door to door slaughtering those below four feet in the name of the LORD. 4 On the third day, that is All Hallow’s Eve, Seraph and her disciples went to the Tower of the Princess, to whose rule the half-men were bound. Seraph and the Princess quarrelled, and in their quarrelling both were cast from the tower. 5 The LORD looked upon Seraph, and said, “let she who cometh in the name of the LORD fall with the grace of a feather.” And lo, Seraph fell to the ground and suffered no wounds. 6 Seraph said, “Rejoice thee, Princess, for thy death is without sin,” and the Princess was slain.
Tom announces unto us the word of the LORD

Session 157 - Candy Crushers

Campaign Date:
Sunday, 14 November, 1600
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Zodiac: Libra

New Characters:
 Seraph Dawnstride, a Termaxian Cleric with a familiar name.

New Backstory:
- Galaxy Johnson pissed off an inquisitor on his home planet over some indescribable alien issue. His soul was encased in a crystal and flung into the depths of space as punishment. The crystal eventually reached Earth, where it was discovered by a coalminer named Dan. (At will, cause a creature to prioritise you)

Enemies Defeated:
- A big ol' bear (100 exp)
- Mr Sparkles the Unicorn (1000 exp)
- A little girl (0 exp)
Total: 1100 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- Book #214 - The Accursed hexenbracken
- Book #192 - Heliocentrism
- Book #120 - Misted Cymry
- Book #250 - General Anatomy
- Book #154 - The nature of Death
- Book #111 - Ninhursag, Clathrate Dragon
- Potion #33
- Potion #182
- Vial of Madness Spores
- Goblin Key locks any door
- Sign of the Blinded Gods
- Poison recipe
- 3 bottles of poisoned honey wine
Total: 0 exp

- Travelled for half a day through the forest (50 exp)
- First party to visit the Land of Milk and Honey (200 exp)
Total: 250 exp
Events:- It is the spoookiest time of year in the real world and this spooOoOOoky energy has compelled our group of debatable heroes to find the Halloween Special! (50 exp)
- A group of Halfling refugees, displaced from their ancestral home by the strange goings-on in the western Forest of Moondine, were recently seen travelling into the straggly Elf forest north of Helix... but they haven't been seen since. (50 exp)
- The party sets off, Galaxy Johnson back in control of Coalminer Dan's body now that the moon is right. Travelling through the scraggly trees, the foliage begins to get more lush. Suddenly, a boar! (50 exp)
- It has red glowing eyes and stamps the ground angrily! Loki approaches, seemingly mollifying it, before Carrie slips a gimp mask over its head and angers it! (50 exp)
- Loki jumps on its back, using the gimp mask's reins to hold on! Carrie runs back to the now-maskless gimp and they stretch a whip across the boar's path! (50 exp)
- It's fucking slapstick mayhem as the whip gets caught on the boar's tusks and Carrie and her gimp are dragged along behind! On top of the boar, Loki begins to cast a spell! (50 exp)

Inline images 11

- He tries to spell swap but the attempt goes awry, the magic coalescing around him and the boar... suddenly both are transformed into orange goop! Carrie and the gimp skid through the puddle of former boar and elf, horrified and/or aroused. (50 exp)
- A vial of Loki's former form is scooped up into a vial. It still, horrifyingly, has some of Loki's intelligence. (50 exp)
- They continue on, and the forest gets more lush. Sunlight filters through the leaves above. Everything is looking so nice, like it's gone from winter to spring. (50 exp)
- They reach a point where the Halfling's trail can be seen smashing its way through the lush forest. They follow, eventually reaching the Halfling camp. There is a soft green light in one direction, and a trail of small barefoot footprints going in another. (50 exp)

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- Not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth, the party loot the campsite. It's like everyone up and left all at once. Food is still in cookpots, clothes are still on the line. Where'd everyone go? (50 exp)
- At least there's loot! Specifically a ton of books, a recipe for poison next to some poisoned honey wine, and a few other things. (50 exp)
- Satisfied, the party head to the green glow. Galaxy uses his latent Spiderclimb Elf powers to creepily climb up a tree and investigate. (50 exp)

Inline images 1

- He sees a very small fairy lady inside a ring of colourful mushrooms. She sounds super drunk and is crying, like that one girl at a teenage house party. Her mascara is all over the place. (50 exp)
- Seraph Dawnstride has turned up around this time, also investigating the area, and is playing the pipes. The fairy girl dances to the sick tunes. (50 exp)
- When questioned, she explains that she came here to get granted a wish by a statue but a bunch of Halflings beat her to it! Bummer! (50 exp)
- Someone feeds her a ration, thinking it'll help, but she starts vomiting up golden fairy dust. Seraph and Galaxy Johnson rub it all over themselves, the freaks. But then they start to fly! They do believe in fairies! (50 exp)

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- The vial of Loki is fed some mushroom and some fairy dust - it turns violet and starts floating around! (50 exp)
- The party let the green fairy get on with it and head to the statue. All the Halfling footprints lead here - through a low hole in a hedge surrounding a weird looking statue covered with little strips of paper sealed on with wax, purity seal style. (50 exp)
- Seraph and Galaxy Johnson fly over the hedge to inspect the statue... but as they get closer the statue seems to go backwards away from them and become huge and vast! At its feet, a whole gingerbread village on an island nestled between two strange rivers. (50 exp)
- The rest of the party crawl through the hole under the hedge, emerging into a land of gently waving paper grass growing on brown sugar soil. (50 exp)

Inline images 2

- Ahead, they see what the others can see from the air - a gingerbread village. There is a candy bridge over the rivers into the town, and closer to them is a windmill with biscuit wafer sails. (50 exp)
- The windmill is investigated. Inside are bags of suger and two great big biscuits for millstones. In the corner, covered in blood, is the corpse of a Halfling. It seemed he chewed his wrists open with rotten teeth. (50 exp)
- The flying team descend towards the town. They can see a lot of happy Halflings, a lot of cherubs, and cuddly bears walking around. The statue gets further and smaller, eventually disappearing behind a white tower in the middle of town. (50 exp)
- They alight lightly on the balcony of the ivory tower. The doors have stained glass images of princesses and flowers and unicorns and all that good stuff. (50 exp)
- The ground team crosses the liquorice bridge into the town proper, passing by some happy bears wandering over the bridge. The Halflings here are all beaming big smiles, but all have bad teeth and a bad acne. Too many sweets, the party think. (50 exp)
- Bertha tries speaking to one, and he tells them through gritted teeth that they need to GET OUT. Suddenly he breaks down saying "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!" and the cherubs and bears mob him, saying "oh no looks like someone's sad!" (50 exp)
- He gets carried to the town square and is lowered onto the spike of a sharpened candy cane. He begins to scream as the other Halflings come to watch the mandatory no-happy dance. (50 exp)
- Carrie Meleste slings the vial of Loki towards the screaming mouth of the Halfling with perfect accuracy, what a throw! As Loki's goop-corpse is swallowed down, the Halfling is amazed to find his bum inflating like a balloon and carrying him away into the sky! (50 exp)

Inline images 4

- The cupids are in disarray and just sort of let him float up up and away into the sky, Yay! The Halfling villagers shout in glee! (50 exp)
- Up the tower, Seraph pops a mushroom she took from the fairy patch and suddenly mutates into an Elf. She doubles over, ears erupting from her head, as the fae magic corrupts her. Cool! (50 exp)
- They open the door from the balcony and see a corridor with four doors, ending in a staircase down. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson opens one of the doors and looks out into the howling depths of space. Stars glimmer, a rainbow comet surges in the distance, and spinning slowly is the strange paper-covered statue. (50 exp)
- "I'm home!" says Galaxy Johnson gleefully, and jumps through the door. Space is warm and breathable, apparently. The rainbow comet turns and comes towards him. (50 exp)
- The statue booms in Galaxy's mind - "The first wish must end before another wish can be made". Seraph floats in too, marvelling at the zero-G. (50 exp)
- The comet gets closer, and it's a beautiful rainbow unicorn with beautiful rainbow wings! Galaxy Johnson nopes out, but Seraph stays as the unicorn gets close. The wings beat loudly, her vision is full of it, it's all she can see. (50 exp)
- "Wouldst though like the taste of candy?" it grates in a voice deep and vast, "A pretty princess dress? Wouldst though like to live.... deliciously?" (50 exp)

Inline images 9

- The door slams shut behind Galaxy Johnson as he swims back through space and into the corridor. Nearby, another door opens.... (50 exp)
- Down in the town, Bertha and co enter a house and question a Halfling about what's going on. Still smiling, he tells them about the child's wish for happiness that has brought them nothing but pain. As his smile falters, the purple face of a giant poodle can be seen at the window. It growls low and violent. (50 exp)
- The Halfling sees it and says "NO! PLEASE! PLEEEAAASE!". The Poodle SMASHES through the gingerbread wall and savages the Halfling, blood sprays everywhere and the Halfling screams in horror and pain! (50 exp)
- The party laugh, "haha good doggy!" and plaster smiles to their faces. The Poodle eyes them, blood soaking into its purple fur, and licks chunks of meat from its muzzle. (50 exp)
- Ratimir is causing problems by explaining to confused cupids that he's Russian and thus satisfied on the inside without looking happy on the outside. His strange mix of optimism and nihilism in the face of communism confuses the cupids into letting him be. (50 exp)
- The party, smiling except for Ratimir who gets a pass, make their way to the ivory tower. Behind the rose-tinted glass of the front door is a big ol' cuddly bear.  It seems depressed. Carrie cures its depression, which makes it happy to KILL! (50 exp)
- It hugs Carrie and she disappears in a puff of brimstone... because Andy has to leave early. She'll be back at a convenient time I'm sure. (50 exp)
- Up in the tower, the door in front of Galaxy Johnson open to reveal a princess with a pointy hat and a pretty dress and a star sceptre and all the rest. (50 exp)
- She explains that she's not the little girl who made the wish, that girl is sleeping and happy! (50 exp)
- Seraph leaves the space room but is pursued by Mr Sparkles the unicorn. The princess tells the unicorn not to be silly and closes the door with a wave of her wand. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson floats towards the balcony and flies around the tower. The princess, on sparkly butterfly wings, follows. (50 exp)
- Suddenly, behind Seraph, a glowing silver unicorn horn pierces through the door! "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!" screams Mr Sparkles. (50 exp)
- Seraph flees into another room, this one has a little girl sleeping on a bed surrounded by toys! (50 exp)
- Seraph, seeing her chance, leaps to murder the girl. He toys come to life in her defence! (50 exp)

Inline images 8

- Downstairs, the rest of the party dodge past the bear and run up the stairs. It's too fat to chase after them! (50 exp)
- Bertha crests the top of the stairs and looks down the corridor only to see a door at the end smash open and a beautiful unicorn charge out and stampede towards her! (50 exp)
- The unicorn sees Bertha, stops, and gives another version of its WOULDST THOU LIKE TO LIVE DELICIOUSLY speech. She offers it honey wine, and the unicorn accepts. (50 exp)
- It was poisoned honey wine. The unicorn screams in pain! Its flesh begins rippling and falling off, turning into candy, The melting candycorn reveals a man in a wooden unicorn mask underneath, who runs out to the balcony! (50 exp)

Inline images 3

- Galaxy Johnson runs to tackle him off the balcony, but misses and is thrown off the balcony himself! Thankfully, he can fly. (50 exp)
- In the girl's bedroom, Seraph is still fighting off toys. Nix rushes in and rips Stretch Armstrong to shreds. (50 exp)
- Ratman tries to grab the toys to get them away, but in Soviet Russia, toy grab you! (50 exp)
- The princess bursts through the stained sugar-glass window and tells everyone to stop! She aims a blast from her wand at Nix, who is suddenly blasted to 0HP as a bunch of her body turns to candy! (50 exp)
- Seraph jumps over the toys, distracted by Ratimir, and grabs the girl! Together they crash through the window and fall towards the gingerbread town! (50 exp)

Inline images 10

- Nix staggers back, candy flesh falling around her, and RAGES! An Enlarge spell goes off and Nix is suddenly HUGE! Her body burst through the top of the tower! (50 exp)
- Seraph, plummeting, holds the girl's body ahead of her. They smash into the ground at terminal velocity and... the ground stretches like rubber. No fall damage in Candyland. (50 exp)
- The girl awakens bleerily... and Seraph drives her thumbs into the girl's eyes. She screams and the world begins to collapse around her. "Happy Halloween!" Seraph says. (50 exp)

Inline images 7

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- The world dissolves, falling into an endless void. In the void is the wishing statue. It speaks its rules - A wish of up to twelve words, beginning with "I wish", and it can add up to half again as many words to keep it interesting. (50 exp)
- Floating in the warm void, the party argues at length. (50 exp)
- Finally, a decision is reached. Fuck the mould. Do something good for the world. Nix begins writing... and does it in as many words as possible because she's mad that her wish wasn't picked. (50 exp)
- Final wording - "I wish the pestilent blight of the mould was excised from this earthly plane" (50 exp)
- Final addition - "... but Shub-Niggurath rises" (50 exp)
Total: 3400 exp

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa bonus (50 exp)
- Absolutely Disgusting 
bonus (50 exp)
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus (50 exp)
- Balls to the Wall bonus (50 exp)
- Best of Intentions bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal kill bonus (50 exp)
- Child Murderer bonus (50 exp)
- Classic Charles bonus (50 exp)
- Diplomancy bonus (50 exp)
- Dramatic Rescue bonus (50 exp)
- I Immediately Regret This Decisionbonus (50 exp)
- Long deliberation bonus (50 exp)
- Ludicrous gore bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- Split the party bonus (50 exp)
- This! Is! Sparta! bonus (50 exp)
- WWE bonus (50 exp)
Total: 850 exp

Party Roles and Individual Exp:
- Remembrancer (Charles / Galaxy Johnson - 100 exp)
- Caller (Tom / Seraph - 100 exp)
- Mapper (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Treasurer (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / Bertha - 100 exp)
- Guard (Tom / Seraph - 100 exp)
- Tracker (Kitty / Bertha - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience (Nix - 100 exp ea.)
- Chippo/JUG (let me know i forgot!)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles, Tom - 100 exp)
- Artapalooza bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Attacco d'Arte bonus (Tom - 100 exp)
- Fiction Fanatic bonus (Tom - 100 exp)
- Death's Witness bonus (Everyone but Tom and Charles - 100 exp)
There are three Clerics wandering the land, giving aid and protecting us in the name of the Three Good Gods.
- Clunge Honey is a special honey from the Demonfucked Mountains that makes the Dead ignore you!
- The Dead Army is on our side now, but rogue Necromancers and the unmastered Dead still roam these lands.
- One of the Necromancer-Generals has taken his army down to the Isle of Wights, he's desecrating the ancient barrows that are the last relic of a former Dead war!
- The bubble surrounding the horrid town of Dunnsmouth has popped, disgorging hundreds of hybrid lizard-people upon the world!

Active Businesses:
- Bone Alone. Wild. 318sp. (Zena's Stake: 212sp, Carrie's Stake: 106sp)
- Spicy Mac's Spices. Risky. 3840sp.
- Honey Healing. Safe. 2014sp. (Nix's Stake: 1679sp. Bertha's Stake: 335sp)

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Loki Axefuck, turned himself and the mad boar he was riding into orange goop via na unlucky Chaos Burst
Exp Totals:
- Fraser / Nix Neckbiter, Level 6 Barbarian: 60359 (Level up at 64000)- Andy / Carrie Meleste, Level 5 Cleric: 25557 (Level up at 28000)
- Charles / Galaxy Johnson, Level 3 Elf (Alpdrucke): 9456 (Level up at 12000)
- Kitty / Bertha, Level 2 Necromancer: 3138 (Level up at 4500)*DING!* +1d4 HP! +1 level 1 spell! +free spell! +backstory!
- Tom / Loki Axefuck, Level 1 Elf (Flibbertigibbet): 2488 (Level up at 3000)*DECEASED*
- Tom / Seraph Dawnstride, Level 1 Elf (???): 1620 (Level up at 3000)

Absent or Retired:- Kitty / POWERLAD!, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 53279 (Level up at 72000)
- Yuri / Bjorn Gunnerson, Level 2 Barbarian: 2278 (Level up at 4000)

- Sunni / Larry's Legends, Level 1 Extras: 758 (Level up at 1500)
- Fraser / Tippin, Level 1 Ratman: 1458 (Level up at 1500)

- Charles / Zena, Level 6 Fighter: 41566 (Level up at 64000)
- James / Ratimir, Level 3 Ratman: 3761 (Level up at 6000)
- Tom / Meteor Power Shower, Level 2 Barbarian: 3061 (Level up at 4000)
Nix's Retainer--- Huz, Level 0 Hireling
- Tom / Spicy Mac, Level 2 Halfling: 3457 (Level up at 4000)- Eleanor / Mugg, Level 2 Fighter: 2357 (Level up at 4000)- Kyle / Gimlass the Brave, Level 2 Dwarf: 2257 (Level up at 4400)
- Amar / Amar's Cleric, Level 1 Cleric: 1413 (Level up at 1750)

- Henry / Henry's Next Character: +2084 exp
- Ollie / Tremendo Picante, Level 2 Ratman: 2654 (Level up at 3000)

- James / Raaf van Held, Level 4 Fighter: 14838 (Level up at 16000)

- Eglė / Bob, Level 1 Dwarf: 434 (Level up at 2200)

- Ollie / Andromeda Spiderbite, 
Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19872 (Level up at 36000)
Will / Cecil Fulbright, Level 5 Cleric (Termaxian): 15063 (Level up at 28000)
- James / William Fox-Shitt, Level 3 Cleric (Zeanist): 4571 (Level up at 7000)


  1. So the apocalypse was triggered by a dickish wish-granter? That's pretty bleak. If they had wished for something more selfish or interesting, could this have been averted?

    1. Well I mean, I didn't plan it in advance! Ironic reversals are the spirit of the thing, you know?