Session 439 - The Cave of Christmas Past

Date: 13 January 1626

Zenith Deity: Minerva
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Moon Face: Dragon Face

Events:

--- Gifts for Havarti

- We return to the party where we left them - in the outskirts of the Winter Wonderland.
- Havarti has arrived, so they send her to Zulu Claus who is still giving out gifts. Havarti receives a long-lost artifact - the Shield Of International Day Of! This shield grants the wielder immunity to whatever nonsense corporate International Day Of it happens to be on the day of the session!

- Havarti has crafted her ghost-eating hyena a saddle so it's easier to ride on the ceiling, and Ghost Snels has obtained an invisible dog (or is it just a trick leash that looks like an invisible dog??..hmmm)

--- Draugr Loot

- Nieval the Good is whinging about the lack of loot recently, and hey! The map has a location called Draugr Loot marked right on it!

- They approach and find a gnarly cave in the icy wastes. The floor has a map of the area in relief upon it.
- There's a preserved corpse of a fancy Santa. Some sort of distant past Santa where he's all forest themed. An ancient pre-coca cola Santa. Sulphur raises it as a zombie and finds a bauble necklace with a square hole around its neck. Loot already!

--- Snowfall

- The way forward is very low, so Havarti goes first due to being short. At the end of the crawlspace is a little door with a square protrusion. Perfect for the bauble to become a doorknob! It works, and they enter.

- Inside it's a proper little dungeon carved out of the rock. There are festive pre-Christian shapes and symbols in relief on the walls.

- There are also levers! Pushing them causes rumbling from deeper in.

- They leave the levers for now and try a nearby room. There are barrels of what turns out to be Yak Oil made from rendered yak tallow, old Viking-style shields and spears, and a mysterious nook which is blatantly a secret door.
- Hidra opens himself to the dungeon with his Mentor Bonus and discovers the dungeon has 19 rooms. Good to know!

- Sulphur finds the secret door latch and CLICK! A massive amount of super-cold snow drops from the ceiling, dealing massive cold damage!

- Nieval and Sulphur administer Terry's Chocolate Orange to the wounded.

--- Circular Logic

- The room that made grinding sounds is next, and they discover a classic puzzle where the rings rotate to create a full image. In this case, a symbol that's somewhere between a snowflake and a pentagram!

- Operating the (noisy) levers, they manipulate the puzzle into place. 

- A square peg pops up in the middle, and the bauble key opens it. Part of the walls grinds down to reveal a golden statuette of Santa... but with a squat pose and a beard of tentacles. Ghostly faces phase through the wall and look upon it dreamily.

- Sulphur uses ghost vision to see what they are. Four spirits, tied to the statuette by ephemeral bonds!

- Good thing they've got a ghost-eating hyena, a ghost-punching Boogilist, and a few magical nonsenses to help beat a ghost's face in!

--- Icy Grip

- Ghost Snels casts See No Evil to become unaffected by (and unable to affect) Chaotic beings, thus winking out of sight for like half the party. He drags the golden idol away, pulling the confused ghosts forward!
- The battle is fierce, but short. The ghosts' rending icy claws no match for the teeth and fists.

- While the hyena chomps down immaterial ghostflesh, Nieval gathers ectoplasm. It's good eatin'!

- The idol says "the gifts of the deep are for all those who are good" in old Norse, which loads of people can read apparently.

- The door past the idol opens and a cold breeze rolls out...

--- Trapped Chest?

- Rather than go further in, they decide to head back and try a side door they missed earlier.

- There's a string of smaller rooms. One has a Mjolnir necklace (or is it an Old Miner symbol?). The next has preserved corpses lying on plinths, dressed as Christmas Elves. They shrink down over time as the dress become more modern. Christmas elves... are human?

- The last room has a bunch of barrels and a very obvious unlocked chest. The others wait outside the room as Hidra opens it from a distance with a pole...
- He sees the gleam of treasure and SHUNK! A claw scrapes down Hidra's back from behind!

- The barrels are in fact some sort of barrel spider crab thing! There are three of them! Disney inspired music presumably begins playing.

--- Battle of the Barrels

- Hidra smashes open on of the barrels, revealing that the creature's body is actually quite tiny. He uses his Santa powers to magically vanish up the barrel-hole of one of them... and spends the next little while trapped in there with his crabbish foe!
- Ghost Snels sends in his invisible dog... but it's not trained to fight. They hear occasional whimpering as it accidentally gets underfoot.

- Nieval lays down covering fire with his mounted repeater crossbow from the doorway.
- Sulphur magic-punches the exposed spider, then shoves a handful of teeth into the other. The Teeth Bomb explodes, hurting the creature within!

- Havarti tries to explode its barrel with a gambit... but fully fails. The Shield of International Day Of is destroyed! She keeps the automatically updating data counter thing from the front. Maybe she can recreate it one day.
- Hidra finally breaks his way out of the barrel, ripping off the crab-monster's legs as he does so! Its one-eyed head ponks to the ground like a volleyball... where it is immediately grabbed and killed by the invisible dog!

--- The Feasting

- With various people somewhat injured by the battle against the barrel spiders, it's time to cook! The legs are very much like big ol' crab legs, and they've got some extra ingredients ready to go.
- The result is "I Ate This Once Outside of a Nigerian Haunted House" which really trips off the tongue. It contains Jollof Rice, ectoplasm, human skin, Ibex meat, and spider crab legs.
- Hidra refuses to eat it due to the human content, but his Santa powers require him to eat milk/brandy based foods anyway so whatever. The others find that it is absurdly delicious, and furthermore means they don't actually need shelter to sleep tonight! Convenient!

- The rest outside in the cave mouth, warmed by delicious food.

Total: 9000 exp

Treasure:

- Bauble-Key necklace (100 exp)
- Gold "Cthulhu Santa" idol (8000 exp)

- Mjolnir/Old Miner necklace (7 exp)
- Norse gold coins (1500 exp)
Total: 9607 exp

Foes:

- 4 spirits (300 exp)
- 3 barrel spider crabs (750 exp)
Total: 1050 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Paymaster (100 exp/level)

- Ollie the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 59297 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 6 Specialist: 31540 (Level up at 56000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!
- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 31498 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 30198 (Level up at 36000)

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 5 Halfling: 16032 (Level up at 32000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

Session 438 - Winter Wonderland Return

Date: 6 January 1626

Zenith Deity: Oberon
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Clean Face (no effect)

Revealed Backstory:

- Ghost Snels, during the German Peasant Revolt, encouraged his religiously fervent charges to slaughter all captives. They didn't, which is why they lost. Get a reroll against fallout of someone disregarding your advice.

Events:

--- Resolutions

- Our heroes remain where they were at the end of the Christmas Special. In an icy wasteland, Santa's body boiling away into snow at their feet.
- Straight ahead is a winter wonderland, but their attentions are drawn to a swirling vortex of colour labelled Doomed Resolutions.
- They make resolutions and enjoy the results for a bit, but ultimately lose interest.

--- Winter Wonderland

- Memories emerge from Christmas Specials of the past as they enter Winter Wonderland through the blue gate. Didn't we meet James Young here once?

- Nieval heads straight for the ice rink and grows skates from his legs. He does some tricks, and it drops his Intelligence to 3 and boosts his Wisdom to 18! Hidra gives it a go too, but isn't as tricky.

- Next stop is the food court where some of them get mulled wine. Nieval starts floating, Nostradama's stomach grumbles as her torso shrinks, and Ghost Snels shrinks entirely as he turns into a gecko.

--- Gifflewim Un-Reborn

- They meet Gifflewim and discover that he's settled his disagreement with Julgoor by simply eating as many Julgoor shopkeepers as he could find. He's also pretty certain that the Idea of Thorns has won out over the Idea of Wheat in his head. Apparently what remains of Julgoor has now become part of Japhet & Hirsch's body.

- He rejects therapy over any of this, and tells everyone that James Young can be found by the rollercoaster.

--- The Rollercoaster

- They can't find James Young, so they ride the rollercoaster anyway.

- Screaming, they gain strange powers!

-- Snels can teleport himself anywhere in the world... once.

-- Nieval can swap clothing with a person they can see... three times.
-- Sulfur's next kiss will kill the recipient.

-- Hidra has an "uncomfy feeling".

-- Nostradama's clothes decompose into lime green spiders, who weave her new clothes.

- And yet, no James Young.

--- Overpriced Village

- They get food from a slender and somehow still alive Zulu Claus, whose powers are waning.
- Nieval asks for a Terry's Chocolate Orange and gets the original OP version! 16 slices that heal 1d6 per slice!

- Ghost Snels gets jollof rice.

- Sulfur gets gems and trinkets.

- Nostradama gets... 4 rations of normal bread.

- Hidra gets Book 210 - The Light at the End of Days

--- The Orrery Returns!

- The come to a tall but otherwise normal-looking guy called James Young, who stands before a huge and gleaming metal orrery. It spins slowly.

- Hidra plucks Mars from the orrery. Nieval licks it.
- Hidra faces the moon to be always dragon-faced.
- He also spots a dragon-shaped rock and moves it much closer to the Earth. The effects of this new dragon shall be decided elsewhere...

- Thus ends the first session of the year.

Total: 7000 exp

Treasures:

- Terry's Chocolate Orange
- Jollof rice

- Gems and trinkets (300 exp)
- Book #120 - The Light at the End of Days (50 exp)

Total: 350 exp

OOC:

Carter the Remembrancer, Cartographer, Paymaster (300 exp/level)
Zoë the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
George the Hypeman (?) (100 exp/level)
Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
Charles the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 54765 (Level up at 72000)

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 46421 (Level up at 72000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 27066 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 27008 (Level up at 28000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 25766 (Level up at 36000)

Session 437 - Christmas Special - Return to the Lair of the Holly Spirit!

Date: Christmas 1625

Zenith Deity: The Allfather
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Bright Face

Revealed Backstory:

- Hidra was constantly beaten during his training, but one day he escaped! When fleeing, disregard Pain.

Events:

--- Christmas Cometh

- We open in a never-before-seen venue, following a surprise "D&D Wrapped" put on by someone who has earned the title of Most Valuable Player. It was AMAZING. 
- In-game, the box canyon that contained the Necromancers is now covered in snow and enormous candy canes. Up the slope is a Christmassy portal that spews stardust and snow. It is the Christmas Special, and several people remember this setup from exactly a decade ago.

- Also up the slope are a bunch of tiny little rat-children throwing snowballs amongst snowmen, giggling and happy.

- The candy canes have robed cultists hanging from them by the neck. All are dead and swinging in the wind. This gives our heroes pause.

- Sulphur uses his necromantic abilities to sense death. The snowmen contain corpses. He turns one into a zombie under his control with Halloween abilities.

- Hidra approaches the rat-children, introduces himself, and eats a whole lot of snowballs dealing 13 embarrassment damage.

--- Bad Miracle

- The rest of the party attempt to sneak around. It doesn't work.

- Hidra begins the slaughter. Each tiny rat-kid has a single point of HP and is unarmoured. Hidra spins, slashes, spins, blocks, and spins again. All 15 children are murdered. Their blood freezes to the snow.

- Hidra looks around like this is a normal thing to do.

--- Ibex Defence Forces

- Sulphur enters the dungeon proper and finds a crossroad. Dead ahead, a workshop. To the left, twelve ibexes are chained up in front of a sleigh. To the right, a sky-portal positioned such that these ibexes (ibeces?) can run through into the sky.
- Sulphur strides forth towards the workshop. Rat kids dive behind their worktops. One of them rings a big bell in warning.

- The rat kids start flinging lumps of coal, supported by the next shift who sling their own coal into the fray with unerring accuracy. Nieval and Sulphur take emotional damage.

- Ghost Snels chucks a piece of coal back, nails a child in the head, and forces a retreat.

--- Feast Incoming

- Nieval unhooks an ibex from the sleigh and rides it into battle, destroying a rat-child despite the fact that the rat-children have already openly surrendered.
- Nostradama proclaims that the Nine are always there and willing to protect their subjects. The survivors flee, sobbing. They feel faith within themselves.

- The party loot the room, finding a variety of foods.

--- The Play Room

- Our heroes continue into the next room. It's a play room. Huge toys survey. A nutcracker, a toy soldier, and a big pink bear loom. A huge chest of pamphlets seems out of place. The huge toy soldier reloads the barrel of his huge early modern gun.

- Oh wait what. The big pink bear winks.

- The gun rises but Ghost Snels is THERE! He saw the great pink cuddly bear rising and directs the toy soldier's gun straight at it!
- BKOOM! He misses the toy soldier because he was aiming at the nutcracker! Wood spatters the wall. The nutcracker grinds its teeth and stares upwards at Nieval's groin.

- Its teeth STRIKE.

- As its teeth come down, Hidra stabs it from behind. It dies, teeth merely scraping the balls.

- Nieval's sigh of relief is palpable.

--- One of my best friends is Nigerian

- "Ho ho ho!" says a voice in a west African timbre.
- Oh shit, it's Zulu Spiderbite. But Santa.

- She rides a red nosed ibex. It all comes together.
- One side of the room has a portal to a really lame and overpriced Wonderland.
- The ice-ghost of Lulu is her backup. It's a proper boss battle!

- They FIGHT!

--- Knocked Away

- The battle is strange and desperate.

- Zulu Claus smashes with her big bag of presents, then her voice, then her summoned hat-rat-elves.

- She teleports behind Nostradama, grabs Hidra by the throat, and throws him through the portal into the winter wonderland beyond.

- Sulphur tooth-bombs the ghost of Lulu.

- Hidra tries to OHKO Santa but... half-succeeds.
- Santa blocks, parries, seize the magic, and throws EVERYONE into the snow beyond the portal.

- Santa is ripped apart. A distant ferris wheel turns. To what end?

Total:8000 exp

Foes:

- A multitude of children (20 exp)

- Zulu Claus (400 exp)

Total: 420 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 20237 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 18737 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 46436 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 25196 (Level up at 28000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 436 - Maggoty Man and the Ghastly Ghouls

Date: 2nd December 1625

Zenith Deity: The Lady

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Clean Face

Events:

--- Maggot Man

- In a hidden chamber within a Necromantic dungeon at the end of a box canyon, our heroes face a man on a slab covered in maggots who shrieks that he is becoming immortal. Hooded cultists with wiggly daggers stand behind in the gloom.

- He is Dargle, one of the Triumverate of Evil Necromancers! Mancy, Hidra's enthralled yet recalcitrant minion, is also part of said Triumverate. He is very much least among equals though.

- Dargle monologues about the process, how the maggots are feeding on his flesh and replacing it with immortal flesh far superior!

- Ghost Snels chucks a holy symbol at the maggots, which burns them! He calls forth the miracle of See No Evil, becoming invisible and intangible to Chaos and vice versa, then pours Oil of Brutal Noise all over the maggits.

- Sulphur commands his skeletons to crush maggots while the rest of the party make as much noise as possible! The skeletons starts getting covered in fleshy silk. He punches a cultist and, though he misses, discovers that these cultists are actually skeletons with skin stretched over them!

- Hidra's intelligent armour, Castigate Pox, gets battered as Hidra crits his way down the line of cult-skellies. Castigate immediately starts screaming for repairs!

- The human form of Dargle finally explodes from brutal noise, splashing maggots everywhere! Mancy starts eating maggots, to Hidra's bemusement.

--- Two-in-One Necromancer

- It transpires that eating the maggots means that Mancy and Dargle are now one! Or Dargle is haunting Mancy? Hard to say. They discuss consuming Balagos to become the Triumverate in One Body.

- The party leave to explore further, and on the way Ghost Snels gets a big download about the Necromancers of Un'Goth and their Necromantic philosophy.
- Un'Goth, a preppy, young and outgoing Necromancer wanted to delve deep into the Earth, kill Shub-Niggurath, and turn the dead beast in the core of the earth to their will. Their rival faction was led by Cyrus Carnithrex Maximus, whose plan for Shub-Niggurath was basically to raise an army of vampires and undead and a skeletal Apocalypse Dragon to fight it to death.

--- Cinematic Budget Cuts

- They head down some spooky stairs, seeing tracks on the ceiling left by ghost-eating hyenas and choosing not to follow, before coming to a door with ghoul claws on it.

- They open it up, see the ghouls within turn to them with a baleful gaze, and let Sulphur's army of 30 skeletons go in there before shutting the door.
- Bangs, crashes, things bouncing off the door, and finally... a ring-ring-ring of a metal plate rolling on its rim before clattering into silence. They open the door, and lo! The fight was resolved off-screen!

--- The Black Blade

- They enter and discover the ghouls were in berths on the walls, like a pod hotel. They had been holding an academic debate until the skeletons busted in!

- There is a terrible smell as the two survivors, Ghasts, rise. They are however quite willing to chat.

- Ghost Snels isn't pissing about with that. Under the effects of a borrowed miracle he rushes forward and grabs the Black Blade of the Dardanelles from where it sits on display at the far side of the room!

- The Blade snicker-snacks between the ghasts, vanishing them across the nearest border! This is the true power of the Black Blade that felled Constantinople!

- With the Ghasts deported, he hands the blade to Hidra and the party loots the room. They find gold, magic items, books, all sorts!

--- Dinner, Merely Fine

- With that they decide to have dinner. Unfortunately they don't have much.

- The resulting meal of bootleather and seaweed is saved by the garnish, in all honesty. Not great, not terrible. The call it A Bad Days' Catch.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:

- Dargle, Necromancer (250 exp)

- Dargle's Skeleton Cultists (150 exp)

- 8 ghouls (600 exp)

- 2 ghasts (200 exp)
Total: 1200 exp

Loot:

- 29 gold pieces (1450 exp)

- A Shield

- Elven Chain weighs as Light armour, protects as Medium (+4 AC)

- Limb Eater Cleaver. Cleave off a limb to heal 2d10 HP. Permanent, painless.

- Elf Key works on any lock to create a portal to the Gardens of Ynn.

- Book #123 - Far Qeylong (100 exp)

- Book #139 - On the Holy Roman Empire (100 exp)

- Book #312 - Captured by the POWERLAIRD (100 exp)

- Book #129 - The Shame of Dwarves (100 exp)

Total: 1850 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- George the Expedition Leader and Cartographer and Quartermaster (300 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard and Chef (200 exp/level)

Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 51495 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 25038 (Level up at 28000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 25096 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 23796 (Level up at 36000)

Session 435 - You Get a Minion! You Get a Minion!

Date: 25th November 1625

Zenith Deity: Alaunus

Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent

Moon Face: Pocked Face

New Backstory:

- Sulphur force-fed Nieval the Good back when he nearly died in the ruined castle. Double healing when you give somebody else food.

- Hidra brought out his finest long-prepared supplies when his Lord was restored. It went great! When you take a break, you may declare that you're planning a heist. Next turn you may flash back to the heist planning session and alter the present!

- Havarti encouraged her own lynching in order to feign death and escape the Veins of the Earth! +1 damage per ally surrounding a foe.

- Ghost Snels had a lapse of faith, but when the Pope revealed himself to be a Protestant clone of Ghost Snels' nephew, his faith was restored!! +2 to beneficial cleric magic.

Events:

--- Unhappy Valley

- The party debate what to do now that they have a big wooden goose to fly around in (so long as they stay in the region of menacing spikes). It's got a little bit more range than that, so at Sulphur's request they decide to hit up the spooky valley that fills one with dread to look upon.

- The goose is loose! It lands at the edge of the valley which is choked with mist. A few big flaps of its wings blows aside the mist for a few minutes, revealing a small army of about a hundred skeletons standing at the end of the box canyon.

- Sulphur snorts a line of bone dust, punches himself in the eye, and casts Detect Animated Dead. Only about a third of the skeletons are animated, the rest are just freestanding bones. Closer inspection shows that all the skeletons have hinges at the joints.

- Sulphur slurps up a Last Breath and casts Subjugate Dead a bunch until he's captured all thirty of the animated skeletons! You get a minion! Good thing they brought a Boo-Gilist!

--- Ghost-Eaters

- There are two cave entrances at the bottom of the canyon, and further up the slope are a couple of different doors which seem intentional. They decide to start at the bottom and work their way up.

- Nieval goes first, hears growling, and backs away so that Sulphur can send in his skeleton army.

- The skeletons come across... hyenas! Havarti pushes through and Tames one with her Halfling mind powers. You get a minion! The hyena accedes to her will, and she discovers that it has the power to walk on walls.

 
- One of the skeletons is lost to a hyena on the ceiling that reaches down from above and grabs it by the skull, they witness the pack devouring the skeleton's animating spirit. These hyenas can eat ghosts!

- They leave the hyenas to it. No harm, no foul. The other cave corridor is half-height, leading to the skeletons bonking their skulls. There is a mysterious patch of wet seaweed hanging from the wall, which is immediately gathered for food.

--- Necromancer vs Boogilist

- Ghost Snels runs ahead for he has a miracle that makes him unaffectable and imperceivable to Chaotic beings, and vice versa. He enters the next room and uses context clues to deduce that skeletons are digging out one of the walls.

- He retreats and the others relay his words to Sulphur, since he's also a Chaotic being and as such cannot see the Cleric.

- The others peer into the room, seeing a group of 5 zombies digging through the wall. Sulphur rolls in and poaches one of the skeletons. Good to have a Necromancer when the Dead are around! 

- Unfortunately there's an enemy Necromancer in here too, unseen by Ghost Snels for obvious See No Evil reasons, and he's plenty miffed that someone's nicked one of his workers.

- The Necromancer starts to cast to steal his zombie back, but Hidra is faster! Hidra's whip drags him through his zombie coterie and into the middle of the room, cancelling the spell and making its magics go wild!

- Instead of Subjugating the zombies the spell inverts and subjugates the Necromancer to Hidra's will! You get a minion! His name is Mancy and I have a wonderful time finding his voice, but I'm worried that I've created an ambiguously gay tulpa who knows what mpreg means.

--- Dig! Dig! Dig! Diiiiig!

- The fight is over quicker than it started. Hidra commands his minion to stand down his own minions. Apparently Mancy is down here as a sort of punishment detail, finding a way to dig into the complex proper.

- They question him and discover that this is the ancient tomb of Un'Goth (quoth Sulphur - "so a prep") who once ran or at least was involved with the cult of Tyrsis. He knows of various treasures within, such as the Black Blade of the Dardanelles and the Spirit-Tomb of Po-Ki-Man.

- Sulphur sets his skeletons army to digging through the wall. Many hands etc.

- They check out the room behind Mancy and discover 6 canopic jars (which is somewhat anachronistic). Each has an organ floating within, but each also has some sort of tasty ingredient like the salt-packed skin or the balsamic vinegar preserving the brain. All lick their lips and consider whether they're down for cannibalism. They share the jars around.

--- Dinner Party

- There's going to be some time before the skeletons can dig through that dang wall, so they decide to cook something.

- Ghost Snels forces Mancy to eat the strange enoki that he picked up from the floor near the Morning Light Mountain shelf-fungus goblins. Mancy eats and starts to foam as the enoki replicate.

- Hidra leaps forth and rips the fungus from his minion's throat! He casts it into the fire, destroys it.

- Nostradama, meanwhile, is cooking what she calls the California Dinner Party from seaweed, human meat, and cheese. How does she know about California? Maybe she reads Spanish classics? We just don't know. It's moderately tasty at least.

- Hidra "reads" the dungeon with his backstory powers. It's a single level (from above) but tiered like a hill village.

- Sulphur converts a skeleton into a bookshelf by reforming the rib cage. Sick.

--- Onwards and Inwards

- With that, the wall breaks through! The skeletons and zombies mill about.

- The walls within are a smooth black stone. Possibly polished basalt, possibly rasterised souls. Who can say?

- Ghost Snels asks Mancy if Necromancers have their own language, but no.

- They explore this part of the complex. They come to a statue carved of that same black stone. It's a big guy in robes, huge pauldrons, clutching a skull. His head gouts smoke. It looks a bit like Ghost Snels but Mancy insists that this is Ur'Goth.

--- I Announce the Sacred Word - Open!

- They explore further and find some stairs upwards. Sulphur has an idea though.

- He heads back to the statue, slurps a Last Breath, and says "OPEN!".

- The skull hinges backwards, revealing a button that presses itself. A secret door grinds aside.

- Three more canopic jars are within. There is a further door.

--- The Maggot Man

- They open the next door and see a man lying on a slab who writhes with maggots. He is surrounded by 6 robed cultists.

- "Who enters my immortality chamber??"
- Mancy reveals that he is the third member of the TRIUMVERATE OF EVIL NECROMANCERS!!!

- The party discuss the tautological nature of this statement.

- The Triumverate are made up of Mancy, Dargle and the de facto leader Balagos who wields the Doomed Axe of Castigate Pox. Hidra is very very interested.
- We end, as ever, on a cliffhanger!

Total: 9000 exp

Treasures:

- 9 Canopic Jars containing various flavours (4500 exp)

Total: 4500 exp

Foes:

- A small army of skeletons (300 exp)
- One ghost-eating hyena, ensorcelled (100 exp)
- A Necromancer (300 exp)
- Five zombies, kinda (50 exp)

Total: 750 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Expedition Leader, Paymaster and Artist (300 exp/level)

- George the Cartographer (100 exp/level)
- Ollie the Quartermaster (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Zoë the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 44351 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 39956 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 22933 (Level up at 28000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 4 Fighter: 13957 (Level up at 16000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 4 Denialist Cleric: 12257 (Level up at 18000)

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 4 Halfling: 11700 (Level up at 16000)

Session 434 - Gioco dell'Oca

Date: 18th November 1625

Zenith Deity: The Dead God

Moon Phase: New Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face

New Backstory:

- Hidra was left behind as a decoy by his road warrior brethren and was forced to live off the land for months as he made his way back to them. +1 Bushcraft
- Nieval the Good attempted many stunts over the water and nearly drowned many times, giving him perpetual thallasophobia. +2 to Saves when away from water.

- Havarti Honeybun was married once while enslaved in the Veins of the Earth. She did it for money and status. +2 to Intelligence.

- Ghost Snels went "a bit wacky" during the German Peasant War and burned a few too many priests, cathedrals and religious artifacts for peoples' liking... but he couldn't stop! +2 when repeating a successful action.

Events:

--- Gooseward Bound

- Emerging from the crypt knowing a dark ritual to bind a monstrous entity, they decide to head for the opposite kind of thing - a whimsical giant wooden goose!
- It's just inside the menacing spike zone that surrounds the impact crater formed by dropping a massive spike-shaped city onto a massive proto-goblin mass, and due to Hidra's impeccable piloting abilities they get there in great time despite several near-spills!

- Havarti has heard of giant geese before. The great Ganshoggr will reward people with gems!

- The great goose is surrounded by what appears to be fields of wheat... but is in fact goose heads on long sinewy necks poking out from the earth!

- Ghost Snels approaches one and pulls it out. It's a whole goose! He snaps its neck and it dissolves into grain!

- The stuff the wheat into Havarti's sack as a goose-headed man runs over, honking that they killed his son and/or crops!
- After feathers are unruffled, he invites them to lunch with his wife.

--- Tree Horn Shenanigans

- On the way to the great wooden goose they find a tree festooned with candles and shields and topped by a great mysterious horn nailed to the trunk by a strap. Nine man-sized geese dance around the tree.

- Havarti slurps down her Invisibility Potion and sneaks up while Nieval breaks off bits of regenerating plastic cheese to distract the geese. She climbs the tree and discovers the horn is in fact a giant goose bill!

- She blows the horn and HOOOOONK!!! The great wooden goose awakens!

- It looks RIGHT AT HER! Havarti blinks out of invis and begins a Halfling mind battle!
- It's at full health and huge. She is at full health and small. It blows her back with the force of it's will. She realises that she faces a goose-talt intelligence!

- Around them, goose-people and goose-crops fall.

--- Into the Goose

- A great door in the giant goose's chest opens up, and rather than fight it, they decide to leap in!

- Before doing so, Nieval grabs a shield off the tree and soon discovers that it is the cursed Knight's Shield! It makes you immune to fear, but makes you unable to reject a challenge or duel. Nostradama grabs another shield, which is reassuringly regular.

- They jump into the wooden goose and all the motion stops. They are faced with a high stone slab. Hidra hurdles over a slab and land gracefully amongst six very surprised geese who are roasting goose neck sausages over a fire.

- Hidra gratefully receives a goose neck, which he disappears into his armours' mouthpiece somehow.

- The others follow by way of the intestine rope that crawls if you bite it.

--- Diplomancy Will Get You Anywhere

- Ghost Snels steps forth and introduces the party as emissaries from a nearby kingdom. Suddenly the geese are bowing and scraping. Emissaries, honk!

- They are told how to continue inside, and they continue into a candle-lit shrine and stairs leading down. There is a painting of a woman (a non-goose woman!) and a priestess in clerical robes.
- Nieval walks up and offends the priestess who is in fact a goblin! A senile and insulting hobgoblin! Part of the resistance to Morning Light Mountain, she is trying to take over the goose so as to attack the ancient enemy.

- Persuading her that they're here on a similar mission, they obtain the key that leads below.

--- Rag-Goose

- They enter a room with pillars. Gold glints in the corner, and at their approach a goose made from rags and clutching a golden egg emerges! Its necromantic nature prevents the egg from hatching.

- Sulfur breathes in some Last Breath and takes control of the rag goose. It's useful having a Necromancer around!

- He commands it to lead them to its master, and it does so, leading them to the Goose King himself!

--- Havarti, Goose Queen

- The Goose King is resplendent on his gilded throne! His crown shines and his bill glimmers healthily!

- He asks who beholds him and... Havarti takes control to take the crown!

- She seizes it and... the goose king becomes a duck! Hidra befriends it.

- Havarti places the crown upon her head and discovers she can CONTROL the great goose!

- They take the opportunity to fly over Morning Light Mountain, which festers like a green sarlacc pit.

- They decide that, given they've got a bomber now, they could do with heading to Grendel for some herbicidal recipes.

--- Airline Food

- There's a bit of extra time so they decide to eat something. All eyes turn to Hidra's duck friend...
- It's called "Royal Duck D'Lite", containing duck, grain, and chorizo. Thankfully they've finally got a Halfling back in the party, so it comes out delicious!

Total: 8000 exp

Murders:

- One duck (400 exp)

- Total: 400 exp

Treasures:

- Golden Egg (5000 exp)

- A giant flying wooden goose!

- Knights' Shield makes one immune from fear but unable to turn down a duel.

- A normal shield.

Total: 5000 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler and Cartographer and Paymaster (300 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition leader (100 exp/level)

- Ollie the Quartermaster and Chef (200 exp/level)

- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Artist (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 36981 (Level up at 72000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 19058 (Level up at 28000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 4 Fighter: 11182 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 4 Denialist Cleric: 9482 (Level up at 18000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +Faith! +Healing Pool! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 4 Halfling: 8925 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

Session 433 - Wasteland Wanderers

Date: 11th November 1625

Zenith Deity: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Third Quarter

Moon Face: Dirty Face

New Backstory:

- Havarti Honeybun was in love with a Knotsman, who of course was part of the people keeping her clan enslaved in the Veins of the Earth. She couldn't be together with him, so she permanently made him a part of her... by killing and eating him. At the start of each session, +2 AC until you commit a dishonourable act.

- Ghost Snels had a beautiful pastor's garden on account of his green thumb. Tragically, his smoking skull-head makes it difficult to tend to plant life despite his skill. +2 to reaction rolls with plant-based creatures.

- Hidra's uncle died protecting him from scavengers during the Poisoned Years, and Hidra has never truly forgiven himself. If an ally would die, take a crit from whatever killed them to make them unconscious instead.

Events:

--- We Don't Need Roads

- With the wasteland castle officially cleared and defended, our heroes are now clear to go elsewhere! Perusing the local map, they identify a whole bunch of interesting stuff that they'd like to check out. The plan is to do a big loop and end up at the town at the end of the enormous bridge that leads to the Goblin city of Grendel.

- The weather is, as ever, abysmal. Autumn brings a variety of rains that all suck in different ways. Thankfully Hidra has his old war-wagon which keeps everyone safe from the worst of the rain.

- Hidra and Sulphur get on surprisingly well, with Hidra impressing everyone with his skill at the reins.

--- One of Several Categories of Phallic Objects

- The first landmark is a Pylon (separate to Markingspikes, but in a similar league to Pyramids).

- This Pylon, a huge jutting three-sided edifice that looms above the Wastes, is surrounded by real actual tree-based non-mushroom forest. Misty rain pours down. Birds chirp from the rainsoaked branches. It's just like old times!

- They spy Glimmerjack, a sort of softly-glowing shallot, in the roots of the trees and gather enough for a meal or two.

- Havarti approaches the Pylon itself and sees that the black-and-yellow-edged bunker doors are wide open. There is a sizzle of bluish electricity from within when she chucks a rock through.

- She comes closer and waves the end of her shortbow past the threshold.  She hears a squeaky voice but nought else.

--- Exploratory Support

- She enters and sees blue-skinned and blue-winged goblins walking away from her to her left. They must be the source of the light and goblin voices, but they don't sound particularly agitated so she assumes they're simply on patrol.

- She takes the corridor in the other direction and comes to a door that sounds like it traps a whirlwind. The rest of the party choose this moment to sneak in behind her.

- She opens the door and WHOOOOSH! There is indeed a whirlwind within! The walls are enscribed with a repeating motif of Cold and Heat glyphs, but there are no master runes to actually create the tornado that tears at her clothes and hair.

- She retreats, closes the door, and backs into the rest of the gang. She looks very windswept!

--- The Scorned

- They try another door and discover a large chamber with a large circular plinth in the centre. A black mirror takes up the whole south wall.

- They poke and prod and - wow! - the expected god-hologram appears! This week The Scorned is at zenith, and so a man dressed in rusted iron and wielding a rusted blade shimmers into existence.

- Hidra, as the only Nonanist in the group, takes the lead.

- He learns a fair amount of stuff from the love-bombing pervert god. The Pylons take the energies of Marduk, Superchron Dragon and redirect them into the Pyramid network which once pumped poison downwards. This Pylon is currently active, hence the beech and oak forest that surrounds it.

- They decide to leave the Pylon as is. It's on, all is well, let's not fuck with it for no reason. They quietly leave with no issue.

--- Popularity Crater

- The next stop is the big crater they saw several weeks ago while crashing their whale balloon. It's dark by the time they arrive, and the rain is constant. At the edge of the crater they see a small mob of goblins all with pale white pupil-less eyes and shelf fungus stepping down their necks.

- Their leader is a squat goblin with huge pupils and a wide ruff of fungus around his neck. Ghost Snels takes the fore due to his green thumb and his affinity for plantlife.

- They accept him for now! These are motile Goblins associated with the immotile Morning Light Mountain, but the hobgoblin leader has been away from the hivemind for long enough to start thinking for itself. Any hint of breaking free and his minions turn to look at him with a blind and baleful gaze.

- At the centre of the crater is a spike of rock upon which black armour stands watchful. The Goblins will not approach it for it destroys all goblins who come near. It shines with a wan grey glow.

- Havarti touches the hobgoblin's hand and sends a flash of consciousness into him. He is her creature now. A failsafe triggers. His shelf-fungus minions turn towards him with slavering gums.

- "RUN, FUNGUS, RUN!!" yells Havarti! The hobgoblin flees across the suppurating wastes, spewing enoki from his gullet, pursued by his young!

--- The Worst Stillsuit

- They trudge across the stone of the crater and approach the black armour. The suit hinges open and half a goblin slops to the ground, spine broken. The rest follows a few seconds later. It stands open and inviting.

- Hidra throws caution to the wind and enters the suit! It closes around him, pinching shut at wrists and waist and anus. He is worn by the armour. A voice echoes in his head. This is (to my surprise) Castigate Pox, Necromancer-General!

- The crater was formed when he detonated Rake Hacker's soul, wiping out a legion of shelf-goblin adversaries. The axe that was the whirlwind is long gone. Castigate can now only move if he's wearing somebody.

- Much is discussed in regards to how Hidra poops and pisses now that he's inside the suit. The answers cause much mirth amongst the ensemble. Short answer - don't stand on carpet for long.

--- A Night Unburdened

- Havarti shrugs and makes sure to gather some of the Goblin enoki spewed by the cratertop hobgoblin as he fled.

- They spend the night without food, planning instead to eat outside their next stop - a mysterious crypt.

--- Dawn

- This morning is the Warning. Soft clouds boom with cloud-to-cloud lightning. In years past this weather warned that the poison storms were well on their way. Today they portend lesser deaths.

- Nieval sleeps in his bubble-tent, immune to the alien smallpox that would slowly kill a nonbeliever in Qusilism. Ghost Snels and Havarti Honeybun, cooped up in the cart overnight, need their space.

- The sky rumbles. Havarti shifts uncomfortably. There is the distant sound of a woodchipper.

--- A Late Luncheon

- They reach the crypt and find it a straight-sided construction of pale white stone. Ancient, timeless, and mausoleum-esque at a stretch. More formed than built.

- Hidra cooks up Gloam Stew with Havarti's help. It's just Glimmerjack in water, but it's finally a repeat recipe. Yippee!

- They eat thin slabs of nasty cheese as they wait for it to be cooked.

- The meal is palatable.

--- Down, Down, King of Bones with a Coral Crown

- The crypt contains a spooky staircase that plunges deep into the earth. Hidra asks the armour that bears him what this is, but Castigate has never been here before.

- Sulphur feels the weight of magic. This place is old. The stone pulses with ancient energies.
- They descend six hundred and sixty-six steps to a room whose ceiling mosaic ceiling writhes in their vision. A huge many-eyed and many-armed melted cartilaginous skeleton is part-melted into the ground. 

- Sulphur raises the being. It claws its way from the stony floor as a wibbly wobbly cartilage skeleton.

- Havarti, Hidra and Sulphur behold the ceiling for a good day or so. In each of their minds, placed carefully by an nth-dimensional hand, is the knowledge of a ritual that can Bind the Shambler of the Endless Night.

- It requires 34 sacrificed wizards, two hours, and shackles crafted of black diamond.

- The party leave the dungeon the following day. In the mean time, Ghost Snels has been reading books. The Isle of Wights is almost totally destroyed (due to bone dragon emergence). Separately, the Witch Pirate of Guernsey yet lives!

 Total: 11000 exp

Treasures:

- Castigate Pox

- Forbidden Knowledge

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of Motile goblins (70 exp)

- Their master (30 exp)

Total: 100 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer, Paymaster and Chef (400 exp/level)
- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Ollie the Quartermaster (100 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Artist (100 exp/level)

Exp Calc:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 5 Boo-gilist: 33701 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 15878 (Level up at 28000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

- Carter / Hidra, Level 3 Fighter: 7302 (Level up at 8000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 3 Denialist Cleric: 6402 (Level up at 9000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +Faith! +Healing Pool! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 3 Halfling: 5445 (Level up at 8000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!