Monday, 12 March 2018

Session 171 - The Legend of Old Man Henderson

Man, what a session!
A ton of crazy stuff, most amazingly Galaxy Johnson's defeat at the hands of an old man who managed to wrestle the Elf out of him!
Welcome back for now, Coalminer Dan.

A slapstick fight against some Denialists also occurred, with a ridiculous amount of crits and fumbles flying every which-way. At least you've reached Moondin now!

And finally we've also had the return of Tom, now playing a gang of Extras that idolise his fallen character Rake Hacker.

On with the many many art attacks -

- Timothy completes his hazing by dressing as Sir Robyn!!!

- Timothy doodles the march of the Denialist!

- Kitty depicts the cover of the latest POWERLAD romance novel!

- Timothy ALSO makes a sikk meme!

- AND he creates the legal document for Hacker's Halberdiers. Busy boy!

"Twas ne'er a tale of  bitter tears
Than Hacker and his Halberdiers." 
Yes, it's overplayed! I know this well!
But don't drink up - there's more to tell...

Hacker, Moondin's Lord, was slew;
His fate known but to a precious few.
Doomed not unto a wat'ry crypt,
But to a slumb'ring isle beshipped.

Now Young Fred was a normal lad,
Gifted of voice, but lazy, a tad,
Till in will Hacker left his famed codpiece,
To Young Fred, who's his nephew, not his niece.

Now Young Fred looked like a Man!
Like Lynx adverts to him women ran.
Then back from him fled, for safety's sake,
For Hacker's codpiece sports a fearsome drake.

Poor Young Fred still wasn't getting laid.
But then he a goodly discov'ry made
When, stuffed inside his décor-du-cock,
He found a note (and not a sock).

"Young Fred," it said, "it's Rake, from beyond the grave!
You did me proud when you were a knave.
Your songs helped spread my name in favour,
Now I've a task of similar flavour.

"Dear Nephew, Moondin's pretty fucked!
A tentacle beneath is tucked;
I gave their pit a look around -
It's octopus a long way down..."

Now, these words spread wide, on rumour's wings!
Frederegar, fighting bard: he sings
Bowie-like, 'cross Moondin's ward;
Each stanza urging "take up sword!"

His words spun one joyous outfit,
Fruit-pickers, farm-hands, and a half-wit,
The parish priest, a lumberjack:
The second Halberdiers of Hack!

They marched against the Death Frost Mount,
There routed by the vamp'ric Count;
Cowards? Perhaps, but they'd never've won -
For they were only level one.

Returning by the backer roads,
Heads down with shame - what pitiful chodes.
They fought that that was that for fights -
Until they saw this sight of sights.

A Space Alien, half-slipp'd through shadow'd wall,
With a hairy elderman in brawl.
"Praise the Lord!" the Old Man proclaiming
Before from the posessed this demon maiming.

Now, in this Old Man, they'd found a friend,
And the possessed coalminer's party, for that end -
Yes, I know the tales of that heroic club,
But that's a different story, for a different pub.

Sir Robyn was with this merry band,
And penned he with a lawyer's hand,
A charter of complex legal clout,
And not a frivolous seal without...

Some other members joined the crew
I have not words to name but a few -
A golden man in a cage, and hark,
A German Dog who they named Bark.

Now united with lace-tounged Frederegar,
Old Man, the Halberds, like fucking rockstars!
Coalminer, POWERLAD, an elf, Sir Rob -
Off to Moondin do they plod...
Tom regales us with Frederegar's song of the Halberdiers

Session 171 - The Legend of Old Man Henderson

Campaign Date:
Friday, 20 February, 1601
Moon Phase: First Quarter
Zodiac: Aquarius

New Characters:
- Hacker's Halberdiers, Second Company. A bunch of fruit farmer Extras led by newspaper magnate and propagandist Frederegar. Possible deserters. Truly believe the legend of Rake Hacker.

New Backstory:
- Sir Robyn was in trouble - while reading legal textbooks he'd accidentally murmered magical legalese out loud and set fire to the library! Facing expulsion, he did what he had to do - having sex with each and every member of the admissions board to stay in the university. (+1 Charisma)

Enemies Defeated:
- A level 3 Denialist Cleric
- A mob of Denialists
Total: 2400 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- 9sp (9 exp)
- Two pistols
- A vial of colourful "Chaos Dust"
- A vial of water-purifying yellow goo
- Book #135 - Poison (100 exp)
- Book #275 - Flowers (100 exp)
Total: 209 exp

- Travelled around 90 miles (300 exp)
- 2 Random Encounters (100 exp)
Total: 400 exp

- Logistics of transporting a massive spider cross country via Fly and Floating Disk considered. To make it easier on overhead - it'll take 3 days, following POWERLAD's route. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD sends a note to Elenor at honey healing by some means. Perhaps Cardinal Scream's birds are nearby? Somehow anyway. He says to meet them at Moondin. They'll need something to deal with their spider egg belly problems. (50 exp)
- Randy and Gav are left behind, since they're heavy and Randy is geased to never sleep above ground. Difficult when travelling cross-country at speed.
- Sir Robyn tasks them with creating a magical prosthetic arm from the various bits and pieces of monster and their Dwarven living statue-craft (50 exp)
- The others Fly off, the Fliers taking the others and the sackful of spider queen on shoulders and Floating Disks. What a sight! (50 exp)

- On the way, they fly over some loud Termaxian chanting. From up here it's easy to see all the dead grass and cancerous trees and lumpy waving tentacles writhing from the cracked earth. (50 exp)
- They reach Pembrooktonshire as sun begins to set. On the way past Oshregaal's place they see a bunch of passed out people, many with red honey caked around their mouths. (50 exp)
- Sir Robyn leaves a business card. "Dial M for BEEEEEEES!" shouts Galaxy Johnson, to much mirth. (50 exp)

- They go to POWERLAD's now-usual abandoned house in the ruins of Pembrooktonshire. They take the opportunity to look around the town for lootables. (50 exp)
- All the food and booze has been ransacked by Oshregaal's party, but they do find some stuff lying around the place. Mori finds a couple of pistols, while others find a colourful vial of "Chaos Dust" and a vial of yellow goo that purports to purify water. (50 exp)
- As they loot the town and evening falls, a column of daylight can be seen clearly! Investigating, they see that it's a god beam with a tentacle frozen inside. Still-standing tentacle cultists with vicious stab wounds are within. (50 exp)
- They sleep, and the next morning they continue on. They land across the great river Deeprush and continue on towards New Rakedin. (50 exp)
- On the way they gather some of the mutated tentacle samples that occasionally writhe slowly and cancerously amongst the dead grass. (50 exp)
- Also seen along the roadside - a little golden man in a little wooden cage. It's fallen by the wayside amongst evidence of a scuffle. It's barely helpful. (50 exp)
- Hacker's Halberdiers emerge from the forest! Apparently they chased off some men with similar cages, and they must have dropped this one in the pursuit. (50 exp)
- The little man in the cage agrees that it's a greed demon and says it eats gold. It can even smell gold. Nobody gives it any gold to eat. Then they chuck it in the bag with the Spider Queen. (50 exp)
- Sir Robyn summons a fish with a Strange Waters cantrip. Galaxy Johnson goes Gollum briefly at the sight of it. (50 exp)
- Frederegar, leader of Hacker's Halberdiers, explains that they are sort of deserters from the great battle against Mt Death Frost. They fled when the battle turned against them. (50 exp)
- Entering New Rakedin, POWERLAD is confronted with a winged draconic Andromeda, the same one whose POWERLAD he killed last time! She believes that she was wrong, this POWERLAD is her true POWERLAD! (50 exp)
- She wants him to marry her, but POWERLAD tells her that he's already married to Bertha. She asks where Bertha is, he points towards Dwimmermount, and she rockets off to presumably create an ex-wife for POWERLAD (50 exp)
- Sir Robyn sets up shop in the tavern as a notary and legal counsel for hire. One night only! He makes a small but appreciable amount of cash for his services. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson decides to use this night to kidnap a weak-looking old man to feed to Arach-Nacha... he has no idea what he's in for. (50 exp)
- He stalks across the rooftops, sights an old man walking home on his own, and activates Spiderclimb... (50 exp)
- The old man sees thin grey arms reaching from a nearby shadow, They grab him around the waist. "I'm old man henderson motherfucker!" he yells and drags Galaxy Johnson out of the shadow! (50 exp)

- Crying out for help, Old Man Henderson wrestles the alien Galaxy Johnson into a headlock. People run out of nearby houses. Hacker's Halberdiers come in from the other direction! (50 exp)
- Mori is on the roof, watching. He sees Galaxy Johnson writhing in Old Man Henderson's astonishingly strong grip. Everyone around has Make-Light glyphs to see by. (50 exp)
- Mori runs past, a shadowy blur, and steals all the lights with his Elf powers. The orbs of light dart into his outstretched hand as he scurries past. There is much confusion. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson takes his chance to escape, casting Spiderclimb again so he can crawl through shadows. But Old Man Henderson's grip is too strong, the spell goes wild, and... (50 exp)
--- Coalminer Dan
- Blackness. Falling. Distant voices. Then. (50 exp)
- A man's face. Old. Angry. Concerned. And now, amazed. (50 exp)
- Lights appearing. More faces. Many faces. A sense of lost time. Where am I? (50 exp)
- You're safe, son. You're safe. The demon is gone. You're safe. What's your name son? (50 exp)
- I'm Daniel. Daniel... Johnson. (50 exp)
--- Breathe. Just breathe.
- Old Man Henderson wrestled the elf out of Galaxy Johnson. Holy shit. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD approaches the scene. He, too, is amazed. He blesses Old Man Henderson in the name of Ninhursag. (50 exp)
- Daniel must be taken to Moondin for healing. Iron manacles are put around his wrists. The demon will be expelled forever, mark our words. (50 exp)
- Daniel spends the night in irons, shivering and sweating under a blanket. He feels damp cloth on his brow between bouts of feverish shivering. The demon is still gone. He is still Coalminer Dan. (50 exp)
- The next day, they travel the last miles to Moondin. Old Man Henderson questions the big sack of mysterious goods, but doesn't question too much. (50 exp)
- To allay suspicions, they merely walk. After some time they hear shouted Bible passages and a passionate sermon ahead. (50 exp)
- It's clear that these people are advancing down the road towards New Rakedin. They bear shields emblazoned with "Obey the Lord" and "The End Times Cometh" and "John 3:16" and "God Hates Fags". Denialists! (50 exp)

- POWERLAD stands on the road, hands on hips, to confront them and prevent them getting to New Rakedin. Nearly everyone else goes into the trees to ambush. (50 exp)
- As the lead priest approaches, he calls out to POWERLAD asking him if he believes in the one true God. POWERLAD retorts that he worships Ninhursag, to great fiery consternation. (50 exp)
- The rest of the party, behind trees and bushes, shout questions at each other! The Denialists hear and Sir Robyn pops off a pistol shot from a bush before they can react! (50 exp)

- Several charge at POWERLAD, who breaks one of their spears as he infuses himself with the might of Ninhursag! He grows a foot taller and far more muscular! (50 exp)
- He punches one of his assailants, and out grows the phantasmic might of NINHURSAG ascendant! The great green dragon roars overhead! (50 exp)
The rest of the shield-and-spear wielding Denialists close ranks around their priest, whose rhetoric gets loud and god-infused and backed up by facts! (50 exp)
- Mori summons forth a fog, enveloping the Denialists. Within, the sermon gets more heated. "NOWHERE in the Bible does it mention NINE GODS! That dragon is a beast from REVELATIONS 12:9! The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray!" (50 exp)

- To a man, the party's faith is shaken by the righteous rhetoric. More importantly, the Denialist faithful disbelieve all falsehood! The phantasmal form of Ninhursag fades away before their faith! (50 exp)- Turned around in the fog, the Denialists charge forth. A bunch charge POWERLAD, the priest comes off the road and runs into Hacker's Halberdiers, smacking at them with his massive bible! (50 exp)
- Mori discovers that his shamanic north african religion is considered Nonanist, especially by these Denialist types. All religions are a part of the all-encompassing embrace of the Church. (50 exp)
-  POWERLAD punches one of the Denialists in the jaw, sending his teeth flying slo-mo from his head and into his fellow flock. Several fall dead, teeth embedded in brains and throats and hearts. (50 exp)
- Sir Robyn finds himself assailed by a man with a sandwichboard shield, flipping his guns over to pistol whip to little avail. (50 exp)
- Hacker's Halberdiers strike at the priest with their garden shears. Fruit farmers, all. The priest himself, though bleeding and in pain, keeps laying about with his huge bible, smacking Extras left and right. (50 exp)
- Mori sneaks into the fog with a pistol loaded with scattershot, emerging to blast the Denialists attacking POWERLAD. Nearly all fall, with POWERLAD ducking to avoid the bulk of the blast. (50 exp)

- The two survivors are neatly taken care of with a single mighty slap! They fly backwards into trees, dead. (50 exp)

- Coalminer Dan, heretofore hiding from the chaos, finds a suspiciously nasty looking poison fang in his (are the his?) bags. He grabs it and runs at the priest! (50 exp)
- Too distracted by the Halberdiers, the priest doesn't react in time to stop Coalminer Dan from jamming the poison fang into his neck. It's a ton of poison. The priest dies almost instantly frothing from the mouth. (50 exp)
- It is quiet again. The echoes of gunshots and combat fade away. Hacker's Halberdiers grab as many spears and shields as they can find, scraping off the religious slogans with whatever they can find. (50 exp)
- Among the dead, they find some cash and a couple of books. Not bad! (50 exp)
- Moondin is ahead, and as they're reaching the gates they find another mob of Denialists chanting and singing! It is late irl, and so suddenly there is a great roaring sound from above. (50 exp)
- It's Magman cult leader Brandon Magnusson on burning wings! He belches forth a great ball of magma from his dwarven mouth, it screams down from the sky and melts every single one of the Denialists! (50 exp)
- Oh there is so much treasure in there that has been melted and evaporated. Gallon upon gallon of Azoth set painfully alight, thousands of gold pieces bursting into ash. What a sight. Oh, what a sight. (50 exp)
- Anyway they're all dead now. The party enter Moondin. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD heads towards Ninhursag to worship. He gains the Devotion of Ninhursag - the ability to bend any glyph containing the Earth rune to his will. (50 exp)
- The rest of the party listen around for rumours. An eventful trip! (50 exp)
Total: 3250 exp

- Ace Attorney bonus (50 exp)
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus (50 exp)
- Balls to the Wall bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal Kill bonus (50 exp)
- Classic Charles bonus (50 exp)
- Dramatic Battle bonus (50 exp)
- Fame bonus (50 exp)
- Heresy bonus (50 exp)
- Ludicrous Gore bonus (50 exp)
- Poison is OP bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- Ridiculously Bad Rolling bonus (50 exp)
- SpoOOoOoOooky bonus (50 exp)
- Tactical Fighting bonus (50 exp)
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong bonus (50 exp)
- WWE bonus (50 exp)
Total: 850 exp

Party Roles and Individual Exp:
- Remembrancer (Charles / Galaxy Johnson - 100 exp)
- Caller (Tom / Hacker's Halberdiers - 100 exp)
- Mapper (Fraser / Mori - 100 exp)
- Treasurer (Fraser / Mori - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / POWERLAD - 100 exp)
- Guard ( Kitty / POWERLAD  - 100 exp)
- Tracker (Timothy / Sir Robyn - 100 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles, Timothy, Kitty - 100 exp ea.)
- Attacco d'Arte bonus (Timothy, Kitty - 100 exp ea.)
- Artapalooza bonus (Charles, Timothy - 100 exp)
- Cosplay Chaos bonus (Timothy - 100 exp)
- Fiction Fanatic bonus (Tom - 100 exp)
- Office Supply Filcher bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Chippo Man bonus (Timothy*2 - 200 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Fraser, Charles, Timothy - 500 exp ea.)

Active Businesses:
- Honey Healing. Safe. 1106sp. (Bertha)
- Knickers Gloves Bodices. Risky. 1030sp. (Ratimir)
- Blood Honey 4 U. Safe. 515sp. (Sir Robyn) 

- "If you ask around enough for an invitation to Oshregaal's mansion, he will invite you to his feast. He prefers Barbarian guests."
- "Carrowmore folk are good mercenaries, but they sure don't talk much. They're unstoppable because they must be killed seven times in seven ways."
- "The Winged Goblins flying into Dwarrow from the Drudge Wastes are protecting the refugees from angels and demons! They claim to worship the Grudge Drake!"
- "A Termaxian Demonhunter saved my life! She wore a red bracelet and fought with the fury of Hyperjesus himself!"

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Not even one!

Exp Totals:
- Kitty / POWERLAD!, Level 7 Muscle Wizard: 84055 (Level up at 144000)-- Devotee of Ninhursag, Bond 6 (-30% exp)
- Charles / Galaxy Johnson, Level 5 Elf (Alpdrucke): 36371 (Level up at 48000)-- Devotee of Ereshkigal, Bond 2 (-10% exp)  
- Timothy / Sir Robyn, Level 5 Magic-User: 22592 (Level up at 36000)
- Fraser / Mori, Level 4 Elf (Worriganger): 21560 (Level up at 24000)
- Tom / Hacker's Halberdiers, Level 2 Extras: 1722 (Level up at 3000)
*DING!* +1d12 HP! +1 Named Character! +backstory!
--- Old Man Henderson, Level 0 Elderly Man

Absent or Retired:
- Issy / Sturdy, Level 2 Dwarf: 2773 (Level up at 4400)
The Dwarfs
--- Randy, Level 4 Hench-Dwarf: 9884 (Level up at 17600)--- Gav, Level 0 Inclusion
- Ollie / Synthia,
 Level 4 Inheritor: 16935 (Level up at 18000) 
- James / Ratimir, 
Level 5 Ratman: 20944 (Level up at 24000) 
- Tom / Clarence Eclair, Level 3 Specialist: 3040 (Level up at 6000)
- Tom / Aces Fontaine, Level 1 Specialist: 869 (Level up at 1500)
- Kitty / Bertha, Level 4 Necromancer: 9931 (Level up at 18000)
- Imran / Friar, Level 1 Magic User: 1040 (Level up at 2250)
- Andy / Carrie Meleste, Level 5 Cleric: 25557 (Level up at 28000)
- Yuri / Bjorn Gunnerson, Level 2 Barbarian: 2278 (Level up at 4000)
- Sunni / Larry's Legends, Level 1 Extras: 758 (Level up at 1500)
- Fraser / Tippin, Level 1 Ratman: 1458 (Level up at 1500)
- Charles / Zena, Level 6 Fighter: 41566 (Level up at 64000)
- Tom / Meteor Power Shower, Level 2 Barbarian: 3061 (Level up at 4000)
- Nix's Retainer
--- Huz, Level 0 Hireling
- Tom / Spicy Mac, Level 2 Halfling: 3457 (Level up at 4000)
- Eleanor / Mugg, Level 2 Fighter: 2357 (Level up at 4000)
- Kyle / Gimlass the Brave, Level 2 Dwarf: 2257 (Level up at 4400)
- Amar / Amar's Cleric, Level 1 Cleric: 1413 (Level up at 1750)
- Henry / Henry's Next Character: +2084 exp
- Ollie / Tremendo Picante, Level 2 Ratman: 2654 (Level up at 3000)
- James / Raaf van Held, Level 4 Fighter: 14838 (Level up at 16000)
- Eglė / Bob, Level 1 Dwarf: 434 (Level up at 2200)
- Will / Cecil Fulbright, Level 5 Cleric (Termaxian): 15063 (Level up at 28000)
- James / William Fox-Shitt, Level 3 Cleric (Zeanist): 4571 (Level up at 7000)


  1. Eventful indeed.
    Most of the pictures on the Precis site don't load for me. Is that a common problem? Is there some technical magic I can do to find out if POWERLAD's lately chosen aspect of size factors in on that erotic novel cover?

    1. That's very sad, maybe I'm uploading the images wrong!
      Does this link work? -