Session 117 – Llama Drama and Soft Rock ‘n’ Roll

Session 117 – Llama Drama and Soft Rock ‘n’ Roll

James could not DM, so a one-off special set in the game world in Bronze Age Britain – around 1820 BC

Being the bronze age there is no iron technology, so all weapons do one die type less damage (so 1D8 sword does 1D6) etc. and there is no chain or plate armour. The exception are dwarfs, who being master metallurgists can work steel.

There is almost no magic in the world yet, the world is a simpler and it is a happier time. Britain is a giant forest with the odd small village and farm dotted around in clearings. Only druids could be considered magical, but they are few and far between…

New One-Off Classes:

§  Woad Warrior: Base as a fighter, but fighting in the nude you are frighteningly intimidating and always attack first and cannot be surprised. In addition, you can go berserk at any time and sacrifice armour points for attack points.

§  Druid: Base as a cleric. Once per day a druid can transform into their spirit animal – choose from Elk, Wolf and Bear, each with their own characteristics. What would a druid be without a good ritual? Performing a ritual when casting a spell means the spell takes longer to complete, but the effect is doubled. They are also awesome in bush craft.

No magic users, goblins or elves allowed!

New Characters:

§  Claus Bambi (Andy): A psychotic Druid with the ability to turn into an Elk. Claus is a notorious butcher with a scythe who likes to pretend to be Death. Best buddies with the druid Chad Banjo, they went to the same school and if Chad was Draco Malfoy, then Claus was the Tom Riddle of the pair.

§  Brugga the Well Endowed (Tom): A heavily tattooed and blue painted woad warrior who wields a very manly sword carved out of stone. Although fearsome, he is a natural father figure and loves genital piercings.

§  Mr Ling (Charles): A sell-sword Halfling (wasn’t even a class option in the one off special, but hey, let’s roll with it) from far, far way looking for new contracts in Britannia. Excellent with a bow and dagger, he sometimes forgets he is not experienced enough to mind control animals, but it doesn’t stop him trying.

§  Talia the Fair (Kitty). An unattractive dwarf by anyone’s (or anything’s) standards, but has beautiful fair hair and a soft beard. She is claustrophobic so came to the surface for the fresh air and to seek her fortune. She would never go back underground again… would she? Heavily armoured and wielding a steel axe, it is a brave man who calls her ugly to her ugly face.

§  Brywynth the Weak and Unready (James): A curiously feeble woad warrior who carries a sling and is painted pink. Rumour has it he has never kissed a girl.

§  Chad Bingo (Henry): Bullied growing up because of his silly name, Chad became a bit of a bastard and specialized in human sacrifice in druid school. Prefers killing to talking and can change into a bear. Wields a bone weapon, perhaps carved from the thigh bone of a human sacrifice…

Enemies Defeated:

§  5 mildly threatening spiders, one killed with a penis (50xp)

§  Steppenwolf the freed druid, transformed into a wolf, who just wanted to save his friend (100xp)

§  Zuppa the Lord of the Underhenge, who still cared for his friend Steppenwolf and probably could have been saved from the dark side if anybody had just tried. Bear hugged and then ritually sacrificed (150xp)

§  Pula Pula replica, a gigantic thunderbird overpowered with the use of the Earrings of Pairing (200xp)

§  Five spiky plant men ignored (0xp)

Total: 500xp

Deaths:

§  Brywynth the Weak, stepped on and killed instantly by a two-headed llama deity and then eaten after foolishly picking a fight with it after escaping the collapsing cavern and making it to freedom.

§  Brugga the Well Endowed, stepped on by a two-headed llama deity and then eaten after the other head got hungry watching Brywynth the Weak get eaten.

Discoveries:

§  A new round, root vegetable christened a “soft rock” by Talia the Fair (150xp)

§  A new creature imaginatively christened “long-necked sheep” by Brywynth (150xp)

Total: 300xp

Treasure and Equipment:

§  Horde of exotic carpets with long necked sheep designs left behind (0xp)

§  Magical sacrificial dagger that heals the user when it draws blood, inexplicitly left behind (0xp)

§  1,000 silver pieces left behind (0xp)

§  Diamond stars in the ceiling not even investigated and left behind (0xp)

§  Sack of soft rocks (50xp)

§  Ornate gold and exotically feathered headdress (5,000xp)

§  Gold, double headed long-necked sheep statue with ruby eyes (15,000xp)

§  Four thunderbird eggs, unhatched (1,000xp)

§  Large star shaped diamond (2,500xp)

§  Fine woven carpet from the roundhouse (50xp)

§  Three very sharp obsidian daggers (1D4 +2), crafted (30xp)

§  Magical Earrings of Pairing (2,500xp)

§  Magical Murder of Crows Dord (1,500xp)

§  The Dark Book of Sacrificial Rites (1,500xp)

Total: 29,130xp

Exploration:

§  First party to enter the Underhenge (1821 exp)

§  Explored 3 small dungeon rooms (60 exp)

§  Explored two large dungeon caverns (60exp)

§  Explored a simple round house (20xp)

Total: 1,961 XP

Events:

§  The scene is set.  A few days ago after Chad tries to sacrifice Talia, he stopped once he realised she is actually a dwarf, and suffering from Stockholm syndrome, Talia decided to join up with him and Claus. Two adventure seeking woad warriors join them on the road while Mr Ling recognises the band might bring adventure and gold and stealthily follows behind. (50 exp)

§  The group come to a small and simple roundhouse in a clearing in the woods and spot a small boy crying. Brugga in all his nakedness comforts the child (not weird or sinister at all) and discovers that his parents went missing looking for his sister by the Ol’ Dead Oak. The young boy, Tommy, is wearing a strange animal skin – yellow with blackspots. After Tommy is told his family is likely very dead, the boy asks Brugga to be his new daddy. Brugga blushes. (50 exp)

§  The group decide to help and scavenge provisions in the round house finding smoked fish, cheeses, fruits and nuts, a leather bag and a strange vegetable which Talia names a soft rock. The group eat them raw even after Tommy says they are better baked on the fire. (50xp)

§  After Chad threatens Tommy with a beating and death unless he tells him where his parents’ treasure is, the group finally believe the distraught boy that his family is poor and has no gold or silver although they can take the rug his mother was weaving to trade for food in the winter. (50 exp)

§  Carrying all the soft rocks they can find in the house and taking three torches, the group heads off to the Ol’ Dead Oak with Tommy in tow. The tree has a doorway in it which looks like it was created from a lightening strike that killed the tree – in fact there are a lot lightening strikes nearby. Claus dowses for water, but senses none, but sense flowing liquid… (50 exp)

§  Inside the dead tree, a passageway goes deep underground. On the walls of the passage there is ancient wall art which looks thousands of years of old. The picture shows white Neolithic peoples meeting strange small purple men. Behind the purple people there are bizarre giant canoes with sails carrying big black monoliths. In later pictures the purple peoples are trading and building stone monuments and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. But then things turn sinister. The pictures show the purple people sacrificing the natives and there are numerous battles. The natives win and drive the purple ones underground….. (100 exp)

§  There is a very narrow page way with steep steps descending deeper and the group can see a room. A warm dry breeze blows upwards. Brugga enters bravely and discovers a storeroom of fine rugs. Unrolling one, the pattern is of a strange creature which Brywynth identifies as a long-necked sheep, swears there are loads back his village. Confidently, the team decide to leave the valuable rugs here to pick up later. (50 exp)

§  Further down the stairs is another room, this time Brywynth takes the lead. A cat sized spider drops down and attacks, but shocked by his nakedness it is frozen for a second. Brywynth takes his chance and hits it with his penis, either because he is too weak to attack with his fists or because he is a pervert. He is victorious and others in his tribe will honour this bravery. (50 exp)

§  The room is filled with soft rocks and behind the pile there seems to be an engraving. Foolhardily forgetting about the spider, they move the soft rocks only to disturb a nest of spiders; four attack. All the group begin to fight, Claus is bitten, but luckily the poison is weak and only does minor damage. The group takes some hits, but eventually kill most of the spiders. Brugga wrestles the last one and has it pinned down. There is a free attack, but Brywynth sensing the tale of his penis spider slaying can become an epic battle to be song for generations to come, takes a gambit and tires to kill it with a soft rock in his sling, if he misses Brugga will surely be in trouble. It hits! The spider is defeated. The group rest and eat more soft rocks to heal. (50 exp)

§  The group notice Tommy is missing and they presume he was taken by a spider. Nobody cares and the adventure has changed from search and rescue to loot and escape.

§  Once rested they examine the fine painted stone relief which shows a mighty bird shooting lightening while fighting a giant two headed long neck sheep with a foreboding ziggurat in the background. The two-headed creature is very similar to the single headed creature design on the rugs of the previous room. The double headed long necked sheep stands victorious over the bird and on the ziggurat the strange beast is being worshipped by purple people. In the next scene on top of the ziggurat a purple man is sacrificing a slave and the deity is feeding off the blood. (50 exp)

§  The team descend, Talia is managing her fear of small spaces very well. At the bottom of the stairs the passage widens and there is a warm glow ahead and the sound of a waterfall. The group hear mutterings from a room to the right and they decide to investigate. (50 exp)

§  Inside they see a metal cage with a withered druid inside, hair to his knees, long curved nails and a wild beard. He has been living off licking water from the cave walls and eating rats. Chad wants to kill him straight away, but the rest of the group decide to listen. He is a druid and his name is Steppenwolf and he and his friend came to explore the cave after sensing a strong evil power. His friend, Zupper, was taken over by the dark power and imprisoned him but could not bring himself to kill Steppenwolf. He claims he has not seen any other humans and asks for help to find Zupper and perhaps he could help them since he knows a bit about the power here. To Chad’s disgust, the group free him. (50 exp)

§  The group leave and enter a giant cavern. The ceiling seems to be filled with stars, although the group do not recognise any constellations. In the centre there is a four story ziggurat and encircling it is a colossus stone henge, with 10 metre high stones. Around the henge is mercury moat with a mercury flowing down from the top of the ziggurat.  The ziggurat is silhouetted by a red glow from behind. To the right is a collapsed and precariously balanced group of three stones which has been cordoned off with rope. (50 exp)

§  Talia, Mr ling and Brywynth approach the fallen monoliths and Talia recognises the stone as obsidian.  Jumping over the cordon they start stroking the stones – so shiny and smooth. It unsurprisingly collapses! Talia and Brywynth manage to jump out the way and are only slightly hurt, but Mr Ling takes a giant slab to the chest. He rolls around in agony arguing that a 10 metre high lump of rock wouldn’t do that much damage, but he is soon healed by eating soft rocks. (50 exp)

§  Brugga notices in the rubble that there is an ornate old and bird feather headdress on a broken alter which he takes. Mr Ling, Brywynth and Talia all find obsidian shards that make dangerous, but brittle knives. Brywynth asks Brugga to swap the headdress for the knife because he loves hats apparently.  (50 exp)

§  Claus heads off to investigate the glow while the others head towards the ziggurat. On the ziggurat they see three stationary figures and one small moving character who looks like Tommy from afar. Mr Ling decides to stay back and get his bow ready while the others climb. At the top they see the small figure washing flesh coloured paint of his face – Tommy wasn’t a boy, he was a purple man in disguise! – he is recognised by Steppenwolf, its Zupper! The three stationary figures are statues – three strange cats with spots. The first has a hole in its chest and a bowl where the heart should be. The second has the top of his head missing with a bowl in its place. The third has arms out stretched with paws replaced by bowls. (50 exp)

§  Zupper explains the two-headed llama deity (it’s not a long-necked sheep after all!) is called CulaXotle and will grant its subjects with immense power for blood. He has been given immortality. The llama defeated the goody-two-shoes Pula Pula thunderbird and took away its flight. He was chained to earth so could never again feel the freedom the sky once gave him. All CulaXotle temples keep a giant flightless bird as a reminder of this great victory of darkness over light. He asks them to kill Steppenwolf, since he cannot bring himself to do it and that is why he lured them down here. Chad gets aroused by the prospect of a human sacrifice and attacks Zupper instantly. Steppenwolf shouts NOOOOOOOO! and turns into a wolf and attacks Chad. Game on! (50xp)

§  Claus gets to the other side of the cavern and finds another even larger cavern. He sees a strange exotic forest and further an island above a lava lake, linked to the land by a rope bride, which is covered in loot and a sleeping bird. Behind is lava waterfall! He hears a fight and heads back to the ziggurat. (50 exp)

§  On top of the ziggurat Chad goes all The Revenant and turns into a bear and is fucking strong. Zupper however is dam hard to hit and is a fast little bugger and stabs with two knives at a time. No matter how many times they hit him, he keeps healing. Brugga, Bear Chad and Brywynth attack Zupper while Talia takes on Steppenwolf. A mistake! The wolf knocks her down and starts mauling her, the next turn she might lose her throat. Mr Ling tries to do something and climbs up to the top. Claus has a choice between a bridge to get to the ziggurat or go over the mercury. He chooses the mercury. He floats! But is slowed. (50xp)

§  Bear Chad after taking an absolute beating that only a bear could take, manages to get Zupper in a bear hug and without stabbing anyone Zupper no longer heals. Brugga finishes the job by ripping his jaw from his head and Zupper’s brain falls to the floor. Meanwhile Mr Ling tries to mind control the wolf. Shit! He is only level one and cannot. He stabs the wolf instead. Talia is close to being killed and takes drastic action and manages to kick the wolf off her, she has a choice, kick it to the platform or kick it off the ziggurat and risk taking Mr Ling with it. Who the hell is Mr Ling anyway to her? Talia only met him an hour ago and has no loyalty… down they both tumble, all four floors. They hit the ground; Mr Ling is smashed to pieces and cannot move, the wolf though is next to him and still alive! Brywynth takes the shot, another soft potato fired off… a hit and Steppenwolf is killed. He transforms back into a naked human, all he wanted was to save his friend. Claus, out of breath, reaches the top to help everyone, but has missed all the action. Typical Claus. (50 exp)

§  The group think about healing Mr Ling, but the three statues begin to shake violently and glow ominously. They decide to complete the sacrifice and lay down the heart, brain and hands of Zupper on the statues. Blood flows down the ziggurat and the mercury turns red. A giant two headed llama appears over Mr Ling at the bottom of the ziggurat. Mr Ling cannot move and wets himself. The heads, eyes glowing red and level to the top of the ziggurat, turn and speak a strange language to the group before drinking all the mercury-blood and disappears. The group get the “evil” reward. A two-headed llama piñata lowers from the ceiling. Brugga and Talia smash it open and confectionary, a pair of blue earrings and a strange object (a book which no one knows what the hell that is, this is the bronze age people!) fall out. The druids sense great evil. Talia feels compelled to pick the book up. (50 exp)

§  Brugga decides to put an earring on his nob (why Brugga, why???), while Brywynth puts one of his nipple. The air crackles, the two woad warriors glow blue and Brugga’s cock points towards Brywynth. Seconds later the two are flung together and merge. Brygga feels strong, but is slow as decisions cannot be so easily made with two voices controlling one body. Everyone is supper excited. Claus uses his antler ritual to heal Mr Ling. (50 exp)

§  NO ONE searches the body of Zupper or Steppenwolf. Schoolboy error. (0 exp)

§  Brygga decide to see if they can take an earring off, they can and Brugga and Brywynth are blasted 20 foot apart. Brywynth manages to grab the edge of the platform, but Brugga falls off the ziggurat bouncing on his head a few times on the way down, he is seriously hurt and 1hp away from death. Chad, no longer a bear, uses his animal fat ritual to heal him. (50 exp)

§  Claus tell the group about the second coolest thing he has ever seen (the first being a llama deity), and describes the lava waterfall. The group head off together. Brywynth tries both earrings on his nipples and POP! He spits into two smaller versions of himself, Bry and Wynth. He was weak before, but now he is stupidly weak, but there are two of them. Everyone gets excited again. (50 exp)

§  The group get to the lava and jungle chamber. There are five spikey plant people walking around, but they are ignoring everyone. The trees are full of purple fruits, but they also find three yellow ones and four red ones. Brugga, Talia and Mr Ling all eat a yellow one, they all feel healthier and their maximum hp is increased by 1D4, nice! Chad feeling jealous eats a red one and feels quicker and smarter (+1 to all throws). Brugga takes one and throws the other two to Talia. Bry and Wynth try to distract her to grab the fruits. Epic fail, they bump into each other and end up hurting each other. Talia eats one, but throws the last red fruit to Bry and Wynth to laugh as they fight over it. DOUBLE EPIC FAIL OF ASTRONOMICAL UNLIKINESS. To determine who catches it, two D20s are rolled. Two “ones” are rolled. They collide and the fruit rolls off the edge of the ground into the lava. The cactus people stop, look at Bry and Wynth and laugh from their small black mouths before carrying on walking about. Brugga eats a purple fruit, turns purple and wants to taste blood, decides not eat another one. (50 exp)

§  The group see the sleeping bird, but it is now awake following all the noise the group made fighting over fruit and is going crazing, luckily it is chained. On the island they can see what look like four giant eggs, a load of silver, a musical horn, and on a pedestal a huge golden two headed llama statue. Brugga and Bry and Wynth have a plan. Brugga will run, go berserk, and gamble to hit and pin an earring on the thunderbird. A few high fives later and Brugga is running in magnificent nakedness across the rope bridge to the bird. He has gambled all his armour points to hit the bird in a gambit and is hopelessly exposed – cock, belly and neck all out in the open to be hacked off by 12 inch talons - if he fails either roll he is dead. Mr Ling uses stealth to cross the underneath of the rope bridge. (50xp)

§  He only went and did it! Brugga pins the earing on the giant bird’s tail although takes 6hp of electricity damage and falls to the ground convulsing. Brywynth is pulled over to the thunderbird and they join spectacularly together to make a birdman. Birdman cannot move since the indecision is overpowering – Brywynth wants to get out of the dungeon while the thunderbirds wants to kill everyone. The sync is so mismatched that any minute they might break apart. (50 exp)

§  Birdman can read the mind of the thunderbird and finds out that it really hates them because they helped the llama deity. He also finds out that the bird was raised by priests at the temple and that the birds can be controlled if raised from birth. The eggs also stay fine for thousands of years and then can be hatched after incubation. The cactus men guard the bird and they probably didn’t attack since they helped the llama deity. (50 exp)

§  There is a lot of treasure. The group lick their lips. But before Mr Ling can tell anyone not to pick up the two-headed llama gold statue on a pedestal, because it is probably on a pressure plate…. Brugga picks it up. Pants. The pedestal starts to lower, the whole cavern starts to shake, the celling begins to fall and lava erupts. Time to get a move on. They don’t have time to grab everything. The group decide to take the statue, eggs, a diamond, a dord (horned instrument) and pull the paralysed birdman. So much left behind. As they enter the next cavern they see the ziggurat is moving upwards and his huge and is starting to break through the ceiling. (50 xp)

§  They just make it out the dungeon before it collapses, but leave behind the llama rugs. They make their escape down through the forest and turn to see the broken ziggurat continue to climb into the sky. Where there was a forest before, now there is a mountain… Mount Death Frost is born! (50xp)

§  The thunderbird and Brywynth split and the thunderbird, startled and scared flees into the forest. Then the colossal two headed llama deity appears. Brywynth can now speak the strange language and can communicate with the deity. With its two heads it can see backwards and forwards in time, however its future is blocked from sight. It is clouded by an evil magical being who is now worshipped at the same site. CulaXotle though sees a band of adventures, who with the right weapons and luck, can defeat the necromancer king and allow him to be worshipped again. He led this ragtag band of nobodies to this site to bring to the surface the tools that would be required to help the adventures of the future and CulaXotle commands the band to bury the items to be discovered in over 3,000 years’ time. (50 exp)

§  In awe of the deity they all agree, except Brywynth – perhaps the mind melding with the thunderbird who hates CulaXotle had left a permeant mark in his subconscious – and he attacks. It was always going to be hard attacking a deity with a AC of 30 and before a dice is rolled a giant hoof crushes Brywynth. One head licks off the remains. The other head, jealous and feeling hungry, stamps on a random target – poor Brugga. Perhaps time and space was being warped by the presence of CulaXotle, because as the hoof came down, Brugga had a vision to engrave on the gold llama statue that it was meant for a beautiful elf (although he had no idea what an elf was). Brugga was then crushed and eaten. (50 exp)

§  The survivors, bury the items and leave Brugga’s stone sword as a marker. High fives and the gift of immortality all round for helping an evil bloodthirsty deity. (50 exp)

Total 1,600

§  Host with the most bonus – 1000 exp – Andy

§  Sir Walter Raleigh bonus – 50 exp

§  NSPCC bonus – 50 exp

§  Pretty in Pink bonus – 50 exp – James

§  Give it a name bonus – 50 exp

§  Fruit cocktail bonus – 50 exp

§  Conjoined twin bonus – 50 exp

§  Split personality bonus – 50 exp

§  Temple of Doom bonus – 50 exp

§  Animal whisperer bonus – 50 exp

§  Grand old Duke of York bonus – 50 exp

§  Adopt an orphan bonus – 50 exp

§  Collateral damage bonus – 50 exp

§  Apocalypto bonus - 50 exp

§  Jenga bonus – 50 exp each – Kitty, Charles and James

§  Epic roll fail bonus – 50 exp – James

§  Rivers of fire bonus – 50 exp

§  Rivers of blood bonus – 50 exp

§  Bloodlust bonus – 50 exp

§  No man left behind bonus – 50 exp

§  There’s more to life then taking all the treasure bonus – 50 exp

§  Mercury Prize bonus – 50

§  Near death bonus – 50 exp - Charles

§  Buck Rodgers bonus – 50 exp

§  Two heads are better than one bonus – 50 exp

§  Snack bringer bonus – 100 exp each – Charles, Henry and Kitty

§  Art attack bonus – 100 exp - Tom

Exp to be carried over to Lulu, Sophia etc. (calc hasn’t been checked, its bed time!)

Oli: 5,070

Andy: 6,070

Charles: 5,270

Henry: 5,170

James: 5,170

Kitty: 5,220

Tom: 5,170