Session 389 - Upending the Narrative

 Date: 12 November 1624

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Plain
Zenith Deity: The Scorned

Returning Characters:

- Brie van der Hells, Nonanist Cleric. Taking the Gods seriously.

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Barbarian. Can now see foes' HP when he hits them, which is collectively lauded as the "anti DM bullshit" ability even though I never mess around with that I swear!
- Manrat Snels, Ratman. Now in control of a swarm of nine rats!

- Nines, Inheritor. Wearing the shape of a Halfling Milliner.

New Backstory:

- Bulgur's father was an angry drunk, and this trauma fed into Bulgur's rage. +2 Dexterity.

- Manrat Snels hid from the burning sun during the hottest summer on record. The rats inside the cave he hid within became his first friends. +2 Wisdom.

- Brie van der Hells was at her grandfather's bedside as he begged for death. She did so and caught his Last Breath, as all children of Necromancers are taught to do. +2 Dexterity

- Nines was egged on and fought another member of his gang. +2 Dexterity

Events:

--- Telling of Tales

- We rejoin the party as they rest up in the Milliner's shop in the Northfell region of the Halfling town of Bunkertown. Northfell is the industrial region where any "largelings" that enter rarely leave. Outside is a drizzly mist, nasty weather but not the worst Autumn has to offer.
- They are of course on a quest to assassinate the Alderman, a mission given to them by a mysterious handsome hooded Halfling named Shortshanks in the darkness of an inn. They've infiltrated the Milliner's place, now they will lie in wait to ambush the Alderman when he turns up for his millinery appointment.
- They're swapping stories of their childhoods, and catching Brie van der Hells up on the events of the previous week.

- The Milliner is dead. The Milliner is alive. The Milliner is Nines in the shape of the dead Milliner. All of these statements are true.

- Bulgur is having a heart-to-heart with the freed human slave Bjorn. Bjorn is finding it hard to accept his new freedom. He is told of Fortress-City Fate where he might find individual freedom, and of the Wheatlands where his serfdom will at least be under fellow humans. In the interests of free will, they let him go to make his own choice. He leaves with a backpack full of man-kibble and a head full of dreams.

--- Gustav my Man!

- Around noon the Alderman (ie. the Halfling the party was sent to assassinate) turns up, looks around the shop, and with a smile approaches Nines in his milliner form. "Gustav my man! You're looking well! Looks like our adventurers aren't here yet then?" he beams.
- The Milliner's real name, as opposed to character name, is Gustav. It becomes very clear that this assassination plot is actually just a storyline the Halflings put on to divert adventuring types - they come into town, have a satisfying adventure, and leave.
- The Alderman does some cursory sign-countersign stuff to prove that Gustav is Gustav, but isn't particularly thorough. Plus Nines has access to Gustav's memories, which makes the whole thing a little easier. The Alderman then says he'll go hide over in the corner, behind the hat racks, so they can surprise the visitors.

- Instead Nines murders the Alderman and messily consumes his body. This is not in the script.
- The others peek through the blinds and see that there's a crossbow-bearing team of Halflings hidden in the hobbit holes across the road. Otherwise the streetscape looks like a normal quaint Halfling factory district, nothing to see here.

--- Suppressing Fire

- Nines/Alderman pokes his head out of the front door and hails some neighbourhood policemen with classic police hats. Unfortunately he makes it extremely obvious that he isn't the Alderman and has to retreat! Gas-powered machinegun crossbows pepper the walls from across the street! The neighbourhood policemen are torn apart in the crossfire!
- The others realise they're in a bit of a pickle.
- Manrat Snels is in the toilet cubicle, ripping out the seat. It's a small hole down to sewer, but it's smaller than a human head so a ratman can definitely fit through it. He dives into the toilet! Below he discovers a genuine sewer and also sees that the various manholes in this area are rigged with blenders to soupify anyone who thinks to jump down one.
- Brie sends her skeleton (née Nutella) out the back door into the alleyway. It goes a few steps towards the manhole on the corner and HISSSSS! A great cloud of green gas melts it down into slime! 
- Bulgur has been hiding in the corner the Alderman said he was going to hide in, and a hatch opens above his head! It's Shortshanks! A ladder chunks down, and instead of following the attempt at re-railroading the plot Bulgur climbs up, extorts the script off the poor fellow, and in the process discovers that he wasn'ts lying - he really was trying to change the plot such that his political enemies ended up dead.
- Bulgur chucks him off the roof. Splat!
- Below, the cops burst in (with Beam-Light runes on their service crossbows) and swear vengeance! Brie thinks quickly, shucks her skin, and disguises herself as a skeleton in the little punishment cell for humans in the back room.

--- All Cats are Beautiful

- The cops decide this has gone too far and decide to blow up the area and isolate the threat. Northfell, like Westerling, has streets ready to blow if a powerful threat enters the zone.

- A couple of them head outside into the alley and start keying a code into the keypad beneath a manhole. Down the street another cop starts keying in similar - this is clearly a two keys nuclear code situation.

- Unfortunately for them, Manrat is in the sewers already! He disables a blender device and sends his rats up and out to murder the nearest guard. It's horrible!
- Meanwhile, up on the roof, Bulgur is startled to see a female Halfling in practical-but-cool gear turn up. She's a princess or something, or an Alderman's daughter, and per the script she's meant to make the adventurers think that maybe they're murdering the wrong people. Since Bulgur is clearly holding the script she decides to leave - the party is off-script!
- Bulgur slides down the spherical roof and extorts yet another thing - the nuclear keys - from a cop, who then flees.
- Manrat and his rats kill the other cop. Thank goodness no people were hurt.

--- Fire on My Position!

- According to the recap, "Nines made an oops and triggered the contingency".
- Various people around the town do the pre-nuke freezeframe thing.

- The party flees to the best of their ability.

- BOOM!!!!!

- Manrat Snels and Nines are badly hurt, but survive! Everyone else was clear before the street exploded!

- Brie drank her seagull potion and turned into a (skeletal) seagull before the bomb went off. She talks to a large bird nearby, who is concerned but not alarmed.

--- Flip the Script

- Bulgur also survived. He reads the script he lifted from Shortshanks.

- It turns out Shortshanks wasn't lying, he did change the script to benefit himself! The original script involved:

-- a few months of training (wherein their minds would be weakened by drugged food)
-- an attempted taming by "evil" Halflings (played by expendable prisoners who would be granted release if successful).
-- If that didn't work they party would be put onto the main plot - killing or hopefully capturing an evil politician.
-- After capturing the Alderman at the Millinery and turning him in, the Halfling lady would turn up and make them question the true reason for targeting Aldermen.
-- Shortshanks the "bad guy" politician would elected, showing his true reasons for hiring them. They would then kill/capture him, save the day, and go on their merry way.
- Unfortunately this all got sidetracked by the party finding the actual script. Bad news for the Halflings!
- On the plus side, as part of the "investigate the true enemy" plot, there is an underground dungeon containing a "giant ratman" and real loot to be had.
- Bulgur persuades the others to skip the plot, quickly head into the dungeon before they're scripted to arrive, grab the loot, then they can all leave this horrible town.

--- Missing the Cue

- The party have a bite to eat in the sewers, then hurry towards the place on the map marked as the Mayoral Dungeon beneath the actual mayor's office. On the way, Manrat regenerates his rats from the local population, and of course pretends that they're the old rats miraculously surviving.
- They come to the map position and hey! It's a jail! alflings in cells lurk within, chatting since they're not supposed to be "on set" yet.

- There's a guard inside though, who quickly gets into character when he sees Nines in his Alderman form come in. The guard is holding down a dead man's switch, as instructed.

- It goes well for a short while until Manrat fucks it all up! A scuffle breaks out, the dead man's switch is released, but someone props the switch open with a chair. Phew?

- One of the Halfling prisoners breaks character. They're a real prisoner, but playing along will get him released. He doesn't care any more since the dead man's switch releasing will blow him up anyway!

- Basically - the enemy Halflings can listen through the pipes, and the stabiliser for the dead man's switch is in the "control room".

- The party open the secret door to the next chamber and look across a pile of corpses... 

- Cliffhanger-ish ending!

Total: 8000 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- Kitty the Expedition Leader and Chef (200 exp/level)

- Ollie the Cartographer and Quartermaster (200 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard and Triage (200 exp/level)

Murders:

- The Alderman 10 exp)

- Shortshanks (10 exp)
- A cop (10 exp)

- Another cop (10 exp)

Total: 40 exp

Treasure:

- The script

Total: 0 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Nines, Level 4 Inheritor: 12193 (Level up at 18000)

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 4 Barbarian: 11293 (Level up at 16000)

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 4 Ratman: 8418 (Level up at 14000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! A whopping 16 Rats!  +Backstory!

- Ollie / Brie van der Hells, Level 3 Necromancer: 8318 (Level up at 9000)

Session 388 - Murder at the Milliner

Date: 5 November 1624

Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent
Moon Face: Plain

Zenith Deity: Minerva

Returning Characters:

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar. Barbarian. Has gained the ability to create Chaos Bursts when forced to Save vs Chaos.

- Manrat Snels. Ratman. A throwback to a former era when the lines between Rat and Man were blurred.
- Nines. Inheritor. Ever-hungry. Has eaten a Hobgoblin and can now create minions.

- Zeppelino. Mad inventor Goblin of the classic type.

New Backstory:

- Nines was once very overweight due to his love of food, fitting for an Inheritor! +2 HP when you eat to heal.
- Bulgur's favourite calf died too young, rustled by some post-apocalyptic cattle wrestlers. Bulgur sought vengeance, cursing their names! Deal double damage against creatures that have killed a PC this session.

- Manrat Snels was huddling in a cave when a Goblin came in seeking shelter. Manrat waited for the Goblin to fall asleep... then killed and ate it! +1 die size to damage the first time you hit a foe.

Events:

--- The Cat's Away

- We rejoin the party in the Halfling polity of Bunkertown, where they recently succeeded in defeating Halloween nonsense!
- This part of Bunkertown is the less ruthless side - Westerling. Unlike the xenophobic industrialists of Northfell, Westerling is welcoming to outsiders. Perhaps suspiciously so. To the west are the vast fields of wheat that make up Easthollow.
- Wait a second... wheat?? Growing here in the wastes? Despite the poison storms and all the rest? Hmmm.

- They head towards the wheat and come across a fat human "Doubling" boy called Augustus playing with Halfling children. Adult Halflings look on, and all note the party's "minder", Gaius, is no longer present. Maybe they're available!

- They continue on and come to the edge of the wheat field. The sunrise shimmers across the wheat. Glass greenhouse domes are scattered across the field, and where the sunrise touches them they shine blindingly bright.

- Zeppelino examines the grains and discovers that it's all fake! Some kind of long red fungus painted like wheat with paint and glitter and covered with a pale glaze!

- They ask the gathered Halflings what the point of all this is, and they say that the real food (meat) is grown in the domes - the wheat is a fun activity for children. Why wheat? Well, there was this idea going around, an idea of wheat?

- By the way the fields are off-limits at the moment. There's an evil cult out there stealing children who wander too deep into the wheat.

--- The Green Dragon

- Someone mentions the nearby inn, the Green Dragon, and Bulgur's ears prick up! A pub! It might be sunrise but it's always 5 o'clock somewhere right?

- On the way, Nines notices that there are manhole covers at every cross-street. Embossed on the metal are the words "rigged to blow". He asks their guide about that, and he says that these streets are all indeed rigged to blow. The whole town can be destroyed if necessary - a countermeasure against dangerous interlopers or an uprising from the Doubling staff.

- The pub itself has two levels. A lower Halfling-height pub for the Halflings, and a sort of higher mezzanine for Doublings whose heads stick up above that level. Of course they only sell half-pints in the lower level, so it's good to be tall!

- They get some ales and ask after food, Bulgur mentions high tea. There is indeed high tea... a variety of Otherpot varietals! Zeppelino selects a nice Banana Kush from the options presented by the weed sommelier and passes the spliff around. It gives everyone an insight into everyone else's motivations, and also makes everyone very peaceful.

- Nines wasn't up for getting high so went off to see if he could find an entry to the tunnels that must be beneath. Alas, no. These hobbit holes don't even have lower levels as far as he can tell.

--- Waddler

- Manrat looks around the room and sees - wow! - a mysterious hooded Halfling man in the corner of the pub. Real quest giver vibes. They head over and he reveals that he's ridiculously handsome. They call him... Waddler.

- He says that this is usually part of the experience - outsiders come in, have a nice telegraphed adventure, and leave the town without messing anything up. It's a way for the Halflings to stay safe and unmolested by outside people.

- However he's not doing that this time. He wants the party to kill an Aldermen of Northfell who has his finger on the button that can blow Westerling to smithereens! It's meant to be for the safety of the Halflings, but this corrupt Alderman is using the threat to extort people!
- He also tells them that the usual system is to put potential assassins through "training" wherein they become more susceptible to mind-control in exchange for some cool magic items. Since he's going around the usual protocol though, he gives them the choice. Also the food here is laced with a mild dose of the susceptibility drugs... he can't do much about that.

- Bulgur considers undergoing "training" if it means the Halflings will release their human "staff" from mind control, and is informed that the humans here actually aren't controlled directly. They might think they are, but it's actually a serfdom situation where they're tied to the land.

- For some reason the idea of the Bermuda Heron is mentioned - an enormous heron that eats ships on Atlantic shipping lanes. Add to canon!

--- The First Target

- That decided, Waddler gives them their first target - the Alderman whose name is Bertio. He's due to be at the milliner in Northfell tomorrow.

- They also ask about this cult in the wheat fields. It's not Waddler's remit, but he knows that they're called the Cult of the Green Skull and have taken over a greenhouse dome out there.

- Waddler heads home and leaves the party to chew over their mission. All decide to eat leftovers other than Bulgur, who is happy to discover that the meat in Beef Ragout is real beef!

- They head out because they don't want to miss their assassination window. It might seem morally dubious but everyone's pretty on board with killing any and all Halflings, since the vibes in every part of this town are broadly fucked in specific ways

- On the way towards Northfell, Bulgur hails a human woman working on Smallfoot street. He asks her if she's happy here and discovers that she's clearly indoctrinated into thinking living here is normal. It's better than being out in the Wastes, you see, and she has stuff to do, so it's not that bad you know?

- Bulgur tells her about the Wheatlands. You could do the same stuff but under a Lord, not a mere Halfling! She's kinda into it! Where are the Wheatlands? Uhhhhhh... south west across the river? From here? Probably? She says she'll prepare!

--- Murder Time

- The party creep through Northfell following the directions they were given. Zeppelino is in a hood to make him seem like a hooded Halfling. The plan as is is to kill the Milliner and have Nines transform into him, then kill the Alderman when he comes in for his appointment.
- They approach and see that there's already stuff going on - a Doubling has collapsed while pulling a cart down the street to the market, to the consternation of his Halfling master! It's right near the Milliner's shop, so this will have to be dealt with.

- Zeppelino pretends to be a Halfling and offers the services of his minion, Bulgur, to pull the cart to the market. He is cautioned that the orbs of black slime in the cart are volatile, but if Bulgur is gentle it should be fine.
- Meanwhile, Nines enters the Milliner's shop under the pretense of picking up some items and meets the Milliner himself. The Milliner is confused and goes to look in his ledger, and Nines shanks him between the upper vertebrae with his wrist-knife. Nines collapses into mud and flesh and begins to digest the shopkeeper!

- Bulgur reaches the market and leaves the cart. The Halfling master, named Sebastian, tells him to thank his master for his service, very lovely of him under the circumstances.
- Bulgur returns to the collapsed fellow Doubling, learns his name is Bjorn, and shows him kindness. Bjorn is very confused, but grateful, and reveals he's been a mind-slave for 20 years at this point. His master often overworks him.
- Sebastian returns and browbeats Bjorn. Bulgur looks on, anger building. And then...
- Nines in Milliner form steps in and shanks Sebastian in the neck! Bjorn collapses, mind finally free, and they bundle Sebastian's corpse and Bjorn into the milliner's for now!
- Nines realises he can combine his Hobgoblin powers with his form-stealing powers to create copies of forms he's stolen... a plan forms!

- They hide Sebastian's corpse and lay Bjorn down on the nice bed in the back of the shop. The bed is overlooked by a horrible cage - clearly a punishment chamber for recalcitrant doublings. But hey - a bed!

- They scheme about how they'll kill the Alderman tomorrow. They've got a false Milliner, they've got weapons. Should be easy, right?

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:

- A Halfling Milliner (5 exp)
- A Halfling Master (5 exp)
Total: 10 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer, and Quartermaster (300 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Paymaster and Chef (200 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Nines, Level 4 Inheritor: 9018 (Level up at 18000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 4 Barbarian: 8118 (Level up at 16000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 3 Ratman: 5443 (Level up at 7000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! A whole 9 Rats wow!  +Backstory!

- Charles / Zeppelino, Level 2 Goblin: 3959 (Level up at 4000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Buddy! +Backstory!

Session 387 - Happy Hobbit Halloween!

Date: 29 October 1624

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Moon Face: Plain

Zenith Deity: Oberon

Returning Characters:

- Brie van der Hells. Necromancer. Still commands the undead priest-zombie Nutella.

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar. Barbarian. Has gained the ability to let out a bellowing roar whenever forced to make a Stun save.

- Gaius Julius Drusus. Halfling. Limited empathy. Commands the tamed Barbarian Lurpak.

- Nines. Inheritor. Still looking for something or someone tasty to absorb.

New Backstory:

- Brie van der Hells was bullied as a child. When Brie's theft of a sack of potatoes was pinned on the bully, Brie just sat back and laughed. Heal 1HP when a randomly assigned attack hits someone else instead of you.

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar tried to help an injured cow - Daisy - during a stampede on the dairy farm. Alas, she couldn't reach poor Daisy in time. Once per session, get to a downed ally's side in a single round by some means.

- Gaius Julius Drusus lost an argument with Nines over the extent of his "reformed" psychopathy. When Gaius fails a Save, someone else can pass the same Save.

- Nines confronted the boss of the gang he was running with after he discovered the gang was exploiting children to facilitate their crimes. At will, cause a creature to prioritise you. 

Events:

--- Hobbit Halloween!

- After last session's death-defying antics trying not to get poisoned by Halflings in a pub, our "heroes" leave through the back door into the thinning rain. They hold a long piece of wood - the actual bar itself - above their heads to ward off the stinging Unmaking Rain.
- The only issue... they warped here, so they've no idea how to get out directly. They pick a direction and head through the streets, the rain stopping and eventually giving way to the weather known as the Warning.

- Gas Fronts are less dangerous now, certainly not insta-death any more, but the Warning still serves to warn that something very bad might be coming. On the plus side, swollen gourds protrude from the earth during a Warning - and of course these are pumpkins! It's Halloween!

- They say a quick prayer to the Gods Above. Minerva is at zenith, and her protection brings a sturdy AC bonus. Gaius harvests some pumpkins and carves them from barbarian-back.

--- The Nicer Part of Town

- Soon they follow the orange glow of Jack O'Lanterns to the better part of town. Less industrial, much more traditional. Hobbit holes and smiling farmers, with even the occasional "Largeling" wandering around. They talk to a Largeling and she says they're welcome here, and that humans disappear in the bad part of town.

- Gaius asks to speak to a "normal sized person" and the lady gets her manager - a lovely hobbit lady called Mistress Proudfoot. No weirdness happening here, no sirree.

- There's a harvest festival tonight! How lovely! There's even a big festive area in the middle of the town square, an absolutely massive church-sized pumpkin inside a hedge maze, and loads of free stuff! In fact, says Ms Proudfoot, they're more than willing to give things away to outsiders to ensure they go on their way!

- Brie finds a potion seller selling potions and snags a couple. One is a Seagull Potion and the other is a Potion of Rodent Charisma. Interesting!
- They also hear the story of the Pumpkin Demon who comes at Halloween to snatch away children. Bulgur immediately disrobes and slathers himself with pumpkin to look the part! It's very spooky.

--- Contests!

- In order to enter the hedge maze you need to win tickets, and tickets are earned through minigames! Classic!
- Gaius goes straight to the archery competition and does incredibly well, even getting to keep the bow! He's able to basically get everyone enough tickets for the hedge maze in one go!
- People want to try the other minigames though, so they do.
- Everyone absolutely gorges themselves at the pumpkin pie eating competition. It's a quadruple shared victory! Nines and Bulgur win themselves Punkinhead Hammers which do massive damage on evens.
- Nines nails the pumpkin slinging contest with a huge crit! Brie meanwhile hucks a pumpkin at an XL Bully owner, angering him. They move swiftly on.
- The Halloween Chili Competition is where competition is fiercest because everyone wants to cook! Between Nines' Haunted Hoedown, Gaius' Nutellu Ragu, and Brie's Halloween Butter Bean Blast there's a clear winner - the Haunted Hoedown! Tastyyyyy!

--- The Maze

- Finally they enter the maze. It's beginning to get dark, but due to the sheer power of the Butter Bean Blast neither Bulgur nor Brie can get lost out here! However they can intentionally explore at the risk of it getting dark...
- Of course they do! Bulgur finds an entire doner kebab, complete with carving knife! Brie finds an "evil fox" who starts to follow her around and have extremely loud sex with fellow foxes in the bushes.

- They hear goblins on the approach, plotting the murder of anyone in the maze...

--- Goblin Murder!

- Nines goes first and tries to talk to them reasonably. However to nobody's surprise the Hobgoblin has been Tamed by Halflings and can't listen to reason! His minions listen to him in turn, so it's a fight!

- The battle is fierce but the obscene amount of damage dealt by Punkinhead Hammers helps wipe out the Hobgoblin and break the morale of his minions.
- Gaius shoots them in the back as they flee. The one survivor enters the giant pumpkin and SCREAMS as the pumpkin walls come alive and squash him!

--- Bulgur Counter!

- Bulgur strides into the pumpkin and the walls begin to close around him.
- Pah! This is nothing! Bulgur easily passes the save and instead smashes his feet into the ground and roars! The earth shakes and the pumpkin walls collapse into themselves!
- Bulgur grabs razor sharp "throwing seeds" from the mess, and the rest follow him in.

--- Demon Ritual!

- Of course, in the middle of the massive pumpkin is the inevitable cause of all this Halloween horror - a Halfling trying to summon a demon! He's got a big pentagram and everything, and declares that Bunkertown must be punished!
- He of course cackles and declares that the ritual will be complete in a FEW ROUNDS' TIME!

- The battle is difficult since the Halfling is standing inside a burning ritual circle that crackles with terrible energies, but soon he is defeated at the hands of Lurpak (forced to burn himself in the energies) and the zombie Nutella (body stuck with razor pumpkin seeds for extra wrestle damage).
- Bulgur's seed-chucking abilities are sure to be legendary after using a patented Random Bullshit Go! attack to pepper the Halfling with seeds.

- With moments to go, the Halfling cultist is defeated! He slumps and the energies of the ritual lash all around the inside of the pumpkin, and the echoing laughter of the Pumpkin King turns into a scream as the unfinished ritual sends it back into hell!

--- Not so Evil Fox

- The horrible fox, who was nearly mind-controlled itself during the battle, leads the party out of the pumpkin as it begins to collapse. Orange flames flicker into the sky as the great gourd collapses behind them! They're safe!

- Afterwards they decide to sit in the hedge maze for a bit, lick their wounds, and have a bite to eat from their leftovers and cold-ish doner kebab.

- Halloween adventure - COMPLETE!

Total: 9000 exp

Loot:

- A dodgy bow.

- 2 Pumpkinhead Hammers

- Lots of Halloween Tickets

- Doner Kebab w/ knife (300 exp)
- The sly attention of an Evil Fox

Total: 300 exp

Murders:

- Several Goblins and their Hobgoblin master. (150 exp)

- A Halfling cultist (50 exp)

Total: 200 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler and Vanguard (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Ollie the Quartermaster (100 exp/level)

- Tim the Triage and Chef (200 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Timothy / Gaius Julius Drusus, Level 3 Halfling: 5743 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Taming! +Backstory!

- Carter / Nines, Level 3 Inheritor: 5743 (Level up at 9000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 3 Barbarian: 5443 (Level up at 8000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Brie van der Hells, Level 3 Necromancer: 5343 (Level up at 9000)

Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +New Spell!  +Backstory!

Session 386 - Halfling Death Cult

Date: 22 October 1624

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Pocked

Zenith Deity: Dispater

New Characters:

- Zeppelino, an inventive Goblin whose tarpaulin parachute is all that's left of his experimental flying machine.

Returning Characters:

- Gaius Julius Drusus, Halfling. Commands the tamed Barbarian Lurpak.

- Nines, Inheritor.
- Manrat Snels, Ratman.

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Barbarian.

- Brie van der Hells, Necromancer. Commands the zombified corpse of Priest Nutella.

Events:

--- Mooching Towards Civilisation

- A tarp atop a hill moves and our new party emerges into a misty morning.

- The mists are everywhere, and bring with them a sense of wistful melancholy. Thorny bushes have sprouted in the night, bearing tart red berries that sap the spirit. They nickname them "Merry Berries".

- At sunset yesterday they saw smoke rising on the southern horizon, so they set off in that direction across the bruise-coloured wastes. The hills give way to the muddy flatland, scattered with humps and divots like a rucked blanket.

- Lurpak briefly yearns to return to his friends in the insect temple when he hears someone calling for him, but Gaius persuades him that they are on-mission and must head to the town to the south.

--- Driftwood Marionette

- After hours of trudging through the mists they hear a moaning and perk up from their doldrums. Coming at them through the fog is a man-shape, but it jerks like a marionette. As it becomes clearer they see that its mouth goes all the way down its chest and sloughs out rich loam.
- Gaius greets it and is brought to his knees by a wave of tiredness, beating at his mind. It's an attack!
- Bulgar reminds everyone that the God in the heavens is Oberon, and thus all the faithful Nonanists shall receive a blessing on their ranged attacks!
- This results in a hail of random objects being thrown from the high ground nearby, albeit mostly missing and getting stuck in the boggy ground between them. Unperturbed, the tree-being trudges forward! It's great sigh saps the spirit, and the loam spewing forth from its mouth firms up the ground.
- Manrat is downed, overcome with weariness. Thankfully his Goblin Religion bonus protects him from the worst of the harm, albeit he overextended on the yawn and hurt his jaw.

- Brie's zombified priest lurches forward and starts tearing into the dread ent, then Gaius follows up by flinging his copy of On Beers and Ales which finishes the creature off! It lodges in the creature's mouth as it falls to its knees, a man-sized bookstand, and Brie snags its last dusty breath in a vial.
- Nines shlorps through the boggy ground and collapses onto it as a pile of mud and ooze and mutating flesh. This is normal, he's an Inheritor, and he wants to take its powers. He steals the ability to create soil, which at the very least firms up boggy ground. They see that the loam that it dropped is already sinking into the wastes, hopefullyy to one day build up into fertile ground.

--- A Goblin Approaches!

- Just then, to everyone's surprise, a mysterious flying machine crash-lands nearby! Crawling from the wreckage is a Goblin who unaccountably immediately wants to join the party! This is Zeppelino, and he wields a tarp much like the absent Nostradama!
- Lurpak is asked about Honey the Thick and he tells the party that she's a Cleric of Jonathon Toast who helped bind everyone into a big group.
- Meanwhile others decide to forage for food. It's surprisingly successful! Bulgur and Manrat find some slopworms, sort of blind rubbery tentacle grubs. Nines catches some rolling cabbage - leafy greens that roll like tumbleweed.

- When they return they discover that there is a shimmering heat haze ahead, through which they can see the town ahead as through a lens! Little glowing points of light dance around it like bees around a flower. They try heading into it and find the distance shrinking before them, soon arriving slap bang in the middle of the town they were heading towards!
- It sounds like bollocks but Portal Haze is genuinely on the encounter table I swear!

---Welcome to Bunkertown

- Our heroes warp into the industrial sector of town and everyone here is an absolutely hateful racist. The place is choked with metallic-smelling smog. Children shriek and make awful comments. Gaius is in his element though, and shows off his tamed Barbarian to the locals!

- Bunkertown is basically a mix between the Shire and Fallout - every hobbit hole is its own little bunker with a big ol' vault door on it. Allegedly they're all connected to each other via some means. There is a collapsed pylon in the town square, a ferrofluid fountain, and a leaking river of black gunk that flows out of said collapsed pylon.

- Bulgur tries to find a pub, and lo! A pub appears! It's clearly just been been slapped together, is called The Buggered Goblin, and has a very explicit sign that is made of two taxidermied goblins in flagrante.

- Bulgur goes in and is offered some extremely obviously poisoned honey wine.

- Nines, meanwhile, asks a local whether they know the local area and is shown The Map. Everyone knows The Map. It was generated several years ago and propagated far and wide. Rumour says it's a snapshot taken by Eris as she fell from the heavens, but that doesn't exactly make sense in context... or does it??

- He points at various locations and asks what the deal is. Bunkertown is pointed out, as is Drudgespar the Goblin capital which was once a Dwarf fortress. The city of Grendel makes everyone go "oooo" because it's some sort of steampunk (or at the very least clockpunk) nonsense built around a single central crankshift that powers everything.
- The apocalypse dragon Mardük is currently in the northwest, but it tends to roam. It has a goblin city on its back and a chicken-legged house chained beneath its jaw.

- Finally, Zeppelino gives Nines a brief rundown on the Goblin Religion. It's not a religion for the goblins, it's just how the world works. It comes down to the concept of everything having two souls. One is born with their Body Soul, which starts strong and becomes weak. Over time one develops a Self Soul, which starts weak and grows over time. Objects can gain a Self Soul if they're loved and cared for. It's a bit Shinto, it's a bit speculative evolutionary biology, it's more than it sounds and less than it seems.

--- The Worst Pub

- Bulgur slams down the poisoned wine and begins to die.
- Outside, Gaius and Nines are offering Nines' services as a soil generator to various locals, earning some sort of monopoly money.
- Bulgur is dying for real though. Blood stains his lips. He looks at the bartender and the bartender says "oh no I must have given you the honey bleach!! Oh no!!!".

- Luckily Bulgur has the incredible ability to convert death to mere damage, chokes, and holds onto his life!
- The bartender tries to tame Bulgur with his Halfling mind control powers and Bulgur is having none of it! The mental backlash throws the Halfling to the floor, and then Bulgur reaches over and crunches the hobbit's head into the floor over and over and over.
- Bulgur grabs the honey wine from behind the bar (instead of the honey bleach) and takes a big swig. It is in fact also poisoned and he keels over as his guts start to dissolve.
- Brie arrives, says "oh no let me help!", and tries to seize Bulgur's last breath. Awkwardly Bulgur isn't quite dead, so Brie pretends like she was actually trying to help, honest.

- Brie flips the sign from open to closed and ah fuck... the waitress. The waitress turns out to be fucking hench and is insanely good at wrestling! Zeppelino runs in and immediately gets wrecked, getting corkscrewed in the face and rolling back and forth behind the counter until a lucky roll finally lets him get the better of the evil Halfling.

- Bulgur is weeping blood, so Brie pulls the First Aid kit off the wall, attempts First Aid and... holy shit! It works! Bulgur is saved!
- Bulgur takes the opportunity to pour honey wine down the slit throat of the Halfling waitress, she chokes on her own honey-tinted blood.

--- Anything You Can Find in the Mug House

- Brie takes the waitress' Last Breath and looks awkwardly at Bulgur. She got a Last Breath in the end so no hard feelings right?

- It's raining outside. Manrat opens the door, sees the absurd amount of blood, and enters in a vaguely apologetic sort of way. It's an Unmaking Rain outdoors, the sort of weather that unpicks stitches, ruins tents, and washes away the works of man, so he wants to get out of it for clear reasons.

- We briefly have to contend with the idea that Nines' clothes are made out of his own flesh. 

- I foolishly say that "anything you can find in this real pub" is in the fantasy pub, and so suddenly the party has a handcart and various accoutrements.

--- The Basement

- After a bit of a search in the back room (which is largely just a bunch of pub-related props) they find a hatch into the basement! Turns out these hobbit holes are spherical and the lower level has a ferrofluid-powered heat pump and further storage.

- Those exploring the basement start to sound deep-voiced - some sort of gas related issue. They leave in good time.

- Given that it's raining outside and nobody has bothered them just yet, they assume that the rest of the town's populace haven't quite realised that there's been one or more murders in this fake pub.

- Gaius takes the opportunity to cook "Spring Rain Rolls", utilising Slopworm, Rolling Cabbage, some non-poisoned Wine, Butter, and one of Manrat's ever-present rats. It's bizarrely tasty!

Total: 8000 exp

Loot:

- Poisoned Bar Snacks

- 17 debatably fake Halfling Dollars (17 exp)
- Poisoned honey wine

- A roll of 10-20 Boil-in-the-bag Body Bags

- Handfuls of "Merry Berries" (50 exp)
- Non-poisoned Wine (wow!) (100 exp)
- Book #410: How to Cook Humans (100 exp)
- Book #411: How to Cook Exactly Four Humans (100 exp)

- Book #161: Death and Sainthood (100 exp)

- Halfling-sized Vault-Tec suits (200 exp)
- Halfling-Sized blood-powered pip-boys (500 exp)

- Book #301: POWERLAD's Massive Weapon (100 exp)

- Book #129: The Shame of Dwarves (100 exp)
- Book #238: On Moondin (100 exp)
Total: 1467 exp

Murders:

- Driftwood Marionette (25 exp)
- Halfling Bartenders (100 exp)
Total: 125 exp

Exp Totals:

- Timothy / Gaius Julius Drusus, Level 2 Halfling: 2968 (Level up at 4000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Taming! +Backstory!

- Carter / Nines, Level 2 Inheritor: 2968 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 2 Barbarian: 2868 (Level up at 4000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 2 Ratman: 2868 (Level up at 3500)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! A whole 4 Rats wow!  +Backstory!

- Ollie / Brie van der Hells, Level 2 Necromancer: 2768 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +New Spell!  +Backstory!

- Charles / Zeppelino, Level 1 Goblin: 1384 (Level up at 2000)

Session 385 - Covered in Spread, A New Era Begins!

Date: 15 October 1624

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous, 

Moon Face: Dragon

Zenith Deity: Dispater

New Characters:

- Brie van der Hells, a Necromancer who used to animate rats as dolls when she was young.
- Bulgur, Son of Borgar. A dairy farmed turned mighty Barbarian having grown strong on the rich milk of the Wheatlands, now from 30% real cows!
- Gaivs Jvlius Drvsvs, an allegedly reformed psychopath Halfling.

- Manrat Snels, a throwback to a former era when the line between Rat and Man was blurred.

- Nines, an assassin Inheritor who used to run in a gang after devouring one of their number.

- Nostradama, a Cleric of Nonanism who has embedded trauma from surviving the Apocalypse beneath a big tarp.

Events:

--- You Wake Up in a Dungeon

- It is the first session of a new arc and everybody is covered in slime.
- The slime is thick, blocking their vision. Somehow they can feel each other though. A faint sense of connection between six different people. They are sitting on chairs, bound at the wrists, and their thoughts echo between each other. Nobody knows where they are.

- Nines feels something crusty brush his lips and BITES! His teeth chew through... delicious bread and butter?
- The bread-giver startles, but finishes wiping the butter from Nines' eyes. He sees a priest before him, wondering if the "training" has worked!
- One by one the priest wiped the slime from each persons' mouth and eyes, offering them the bread sacrement which is variously accepted or rejected. Each slime is in fact a spread, and he gives each person a codename as he goes, from Butter the Basic through Marmite the Divisive, to Strawberry the Overrated and so on.

- The priest introduces himself as Priest Nutella (pronounced New-tella, apparently) and declares the party before him to be Infiltration Team Jam-Before-Cream, intended to infiltrate cities and gather more minions to the cause. Alas, their training had to be aborted early because the facility is under attack by electric ghosts!

- Another figure appears at the door, a huge muscular man called Lurpak the Inflated. He comments that waking these guys was a bad idea, but tells Priest Nutella to join him heading for the front lines. The priest leaves with him, shouting back to the group that they should grab weapons and help defend the complex!

--- Electric Ghost?

- Left to their own devices, the team look around and gather their things. The wrist bonds are not strong, designed more to stop them falling off the chairs rather than actually shackle them, so they are soon broken open.

- Wiping the spreads off their faces they take stock. Six chairs in a circle surrounding a big lump of flesh covered in thin hairs. Yuck! The walls are big flagstones with etchings of various creepy-crawlies on them, mostly insects but there are worms and grubs and stuff too.

- Gaius stabs the flesh lump and it bleeds! Within is a horrible insect thing. Nines collapses into mud-flesh and devours it, but can't name the ability it carries so merely digests it.
- More importantly there the delicious smell of fresh bread from nearby! They follow the smell into the next room, finding themselves in a kitchen and bakery. Powered butter churns, a big oven, and loads of barrels of spreads and jams and chutneys.
- The very middle of the room has a cage with a blue-skinned and dragon-winged Goblin in it! He zaps the bars, which is what's powering the butter churns and stand mixers and such.

- Man-Rat Snels tries to get his lone rat buddy to chew through the wires. This kills the rat. Nines instead uses oven mitts to disconnect the wires, thus allowing the blue Goblin to stop powering everything. Alas, they can't let him out without some sort of wrench because he's bolted in there.

- Bulgur examines the butter and extracts a pat of it, sparking a looting frenzy as people lift various ingredients and expensive cast iron dutch ovens. What a treat!

--- Multi-Faith Sermon

- Something has come back to the amnesiac Nostradama. She's a Nonanist Cleric! One of the most common religions out here in the Drudge Wastes, she believes in the Nine High Gods as equals in heaven. This despite the recent schism that resulted from a new God joining the pantheon.
- Nevertheless, she finds it in her heart to include others in her sermon, and her oratory even manages to convert Brie to the Nonanist faith! She's going to have to be very careful given that she's going to lose her Faith Bonus as soon as she benefits from a chaotic spell, but we'll see how that goes.

- Even Zibiddy the blue goblin appreciates the sermon, he's even more committed to the dragon Marduk than he was before!

--- Buttery Goblin Discovers Butterfaced Zombies

- Rather than piss about trying to find a wrench, Bulgur decides to bend the bars! It's a classic manoeuvre, helped very much by lubing up Zibiddy with delicious butter. With a pop the goblin flies out and sliiiiiiiides straight out the door on the other side!

- They hurry after him and find that he's slid all the way through the next room and bashed through the door at the other end! He's found himself in a room bisected by bars like a jail. Behind the bars are numerous bodies with their faces covered in jams and spreads.
- Gaius butters himself up and slips his thin body through the bars. But then the bodies MOVE! They move like zombies and can't get the butter off their faces, and worse, they have no tongues! Stabbing does little, but at least they're trapped.

- There's a smaller annex which is zombie-free and has piles of mystery stuff. Gaius slips through and checks it out, finding a book about beer and a vial of acid. Not too bad!
- Also in this annex is a collapsed bit of wall, behind which are a bunch of surprisingly large ant corpses. He rubs some into his hair.

--- The Indoctrination of Lurpak

- Bulgur meanwhile is listening at the door. He hears loud whispers. It's clearly Lurpak and Nutella arguing, with Lurpak saying that they should have used drones rather than messing about with Nutella's precious infiltrator project!
- They mention that they've only managed to kill one Electric Ghost so far, and Zibiddy yells out in shock and grief! Lurpak opens the door and finds himself face to face with Infiltration Team Jam-Before-Cream who are doing their best to hide the goblin behind their robes.
- Nines leaps into action but his surprise attack is thwarted by the priest's iron baguette cudgel! Manrat Snels bites Lurpak, and while he's distracted Gaius leaps up and touches the Barbarian, taming him and forcing him to attack Priest Nutella!
- Brie steps forth and kills the priest before the confused Lurpak can really understand what's happening to him, knifing him in the heart and snatching the priests' Last Breath into a glass vial. She takes the priest's iron baguette too, for good measure. She then checks the priest's neck and finds a big fleshy lump with a long thin thread coming out of it...

- A memory suddenly surges through Nines! He remembers something like this before! He remembers... Jonathon Toast! The spreads, the threads, it all makes sense! He knows not where the memory came from, but he remembers it clear as day!
- Finally Brie sucks in the Last Breath she just captured from the dying priest and casts Animate Dead, raising his corpse as a zombie! It's still fresh, so it looks almost like he's still alive. Lurpak can't think straight through the fog, but this seems ok, right?

--- Loo Break

- Nines inspects the walls and finds that they are covered with the fine threads, forming some sort of larger network. Attempts to burn, cut or tear them don't work because they are fine, flexible, and strong.

- They ask Lurpak to lead them out and he declares he needs the toilet first. They acquiesce and find that the toilets are a sort of group drop toilet over blackness and are treated to a spectacular performance from Lurpak.

- Manrat Snels drops a rat down to scout, and it returns in a few minutes to say that yes it's a big cave full of poo. Big insects too, actually. The cavern keeps going if you're interested.
- Nines drops a torch in point-first to investigate further. It's not a pretty sight, but the fumes are keeping that flame very much alight.

--- The Escape

- Since they're an official infiltration team of the Toasted Ones, have a tamed Lurpak under Gaius' mental aegis and the still fresh-looking zombie Priest Nutella under Brie's control, it's actually pretty easy to leave. Zibiddy is naturally trying very very hard to stay on their good side, and they hide him by having Gaius ride on his shoulders in a long coat with his wings forming a, to quote, "dumptruck ass".

- They pass by some myrmidon types wearing ant carapace armour and wielding ant shields, go through some rooms with murderholes in the ceiling, and out to the front entrance. There are trenches and fortifications built out towards the Wastes, all manned by small groups of fighters taking aim with guns and bows.
- Zibiddy sees fellow blue goblins sitting outside of firing range and surges with energy! He practically teleports out from under Gaius, zig-zagging like a bolt of lightning!

- They talk and soon spread their dragon wings and fly away, off towards a distant spire on the horizon that glimmers as with blue fireflies.
- The soldiers in the trenches are confused and turn to Lurpak for guidance. They are extremely tractable, it turns out, and accept the explanation that this was all part of the plan.

--- Night Under a Tarp

- Taking their leave, the party head up the hill. It's rocky and covered in mud, but an easy climb nonetheless. The sun is setting over a clear crisp autumn day.

- From the top they take their bearings.
- Below they see a wide swathe of flat land - the bruise-coloured mud and slime of the Drudge Wastes. Black rivers of sludge or tar cut through the landscape. On the horizon in that direction they can see smoke rising - very likely a town!

- In the other direction the hills continue, rising from the wastes in smooth hummocks. Distantly in that direction is a huge stone structure, a pyramid amongst the hills.

- They can see the firefly-wreathed spire on the horizon towards the setting sun, buzzing with what must be more of these electro-goblins.
- Nearly as distant they can also see a strange spike like a huge sewing needle, reflecting the sunset.
- Darkness is coming, though, and under the light of the gibbous moon they forage for food. Gaius and Nines find something tasty! It's mudfish! A sort of grainy and bony strong-scaled fish that lives in the moist mud of the hills.
- Gaius cooks, since he's got the Halfling's natural knack for food. He cooks up what he calls Butter-Basted Fish of the Waste! It's got butter, bread, mudfish, and for some reason rat! It's actually really good, since they made sure to grab a bunch of salt and spices and fancy ironware from that kitchen before they left.
- Nostradama unfurls her tarp. She hates it, but it's the best they've got. They huddle under the tarp on the top of the hill and try to sleep while rainclouds gather in the skies above.

Total: 8000 exp

Treasure Gained:

- Salt

- Spices

- Book #281 - On Beers and Ales

- Vial of acid

- Various fancy cast iron pots and pans (200 exp)

Total: 200 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- Priest Nutella (50 exp)
- Lurpak the Inflated, controlled (50 exp)
Total: 100 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler and Cartographer (200 exp/level)
- George the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- Tim the Triage and Chef (200 exp/level)

Art Attack:

- George (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Timothy / Gaius Julius Drusus, Level 1 Halfling: 1584 (Level up at 2000)

- Carter / Nines, Level 1 Inheritor: 1584 (Level up at 2250)
- George / Manrat Snels, Level 1 Ratman: 1584 (Level up at 1750)

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 1 Barbarian: 1484 (Level up at 2000)

- Ollie / Brie van der Hells, Level 1 Necromancer: 1384 (Level up at 2250)

- Zoe / Nostradama, Level 1 Cleric of Nonanism: 1384 (Level up at 2250)