Session 308 - Too Much Meat

Date: August 3, 21p.p.

Moon: Waning Clean
Zenith: Eris

Events:

--- Cliffhanger Uncliffed!

- In the meat factory, our heroes Astro-Moon, Swan the Swift, Iskander, Celebus and Amanta, ready for the conclusion of last week's cliffhanger. Celebus had just lobbed an Animate Dead spell at a bucketful of guts held by a crab-handed oompa loompa, and in slow motion we see the results...
- The guts erupt like floppy snakes and start to strange the little orange guy! The other oompa loompas flee, citing safety regs! The coast is clear!
- As a whole intestine starts snaking down the gagging oesophagus of the ambushed oompa loompa, Celebus goes over to a very meaty console and slams a button that says "do not touch". The bulbous tubes connecting the various meat boilers disconnect, writhing on the ground and spewing disturbingly bright pink ooze across the floor.
- Our heroes scurry up the stairs to the next level. It's a very throat-like room. There is much discussion as to which way round the map is in various memories.
- A man with a conical head bustles past the throng, heading towards the blaring alarms from the mutagenic outbreak below. The party, true to form, pretend that they're some sort of inspectors and abscond while the man is distracted by the meaty tendrils crowding up the stairs.
- Iskander peeps into a nearby room and sees what looks like a doctors' office. Several individual cubicles contain winged mutants being interviewed by doctors with clipboards. Iskander fires a special fireball crossbow bolt in there and shuts the door, to screams.

--- Charles' One-Eyed Snake Fantasy

- The team run out into a corridor and take a hard right into a big very Wonka-esque room that's like a field made of meat. The grass is hair. The ground is skin. The river in the middle is a river of thick gloopy stinky brown stuff. Skin-winged butterflies dart about. Celebus gets obsessed with imagined "snakes" that he "kisses" and drinks the "fluid" "within".
- There's a locked door out, which Astro Moon punches open with a Shocking Grasp.

--- Another Baz
- Another corridor, more doors. They open one experimentally to find the entry chamber. There's a coat rack, some seating, and a legless strong-armed man called Legless Baz in a top hat. He asks them who they are, and they give the same excuse that they're meant to be here as biohazard contractors. The biohazard alarms are still going off, so he gives them the benefit of the doubt.
- They had back into the corridor, avoiding a couple of doors, and see a big hollow vitreous eyeball that acts as a window. An exit?
- There a door here too. They peek through and see some dorms. Bunkbeds separated by scrotal flaps that shrink up when touched. Various stuff is found, including some iberico ham, some sausage, a vial of poison under a half-written suicide note, and the end of a fag packet.

- They leave and overhear some guards talking over the party's description. A big mantis, plus a few other dodgy chaps. Fuck.
- Celebus uses Link Portals in the corridor to scooby doo this shit. Every door leads out of a random other door. Let's go!

--- Four-Armed but not forewarned
- The party run through the nearest door and end up in a strange new room! A fine figure of a four-armed 8-foot-tall man flexes on a rotating pedestal, measured by several Meat Magi who are admiring the Meatworks' meat work. The big guy has two heads, one buried in the chest and one on the neck.
- Iskander runs up and shoves a locket straight between the muscle man's butt cheeks. Unfortunately Iskander also gets his hand stuck between those big buns.
- Swan looks on in awe. This is the best day of his life.
- Just then, the guards randomly come out of the nearby door. This day just keeps getting worse!
- High combat ensues. Despite his arm getting slowly pulled further and further into the surprisingly capacious anus of the four-armed muscle man, Iskander manages to use the momentum from the spinning dais to decapitate several guards!
- Celebus and Amanta join the battle but are laughing too hard to hit their foes, to the general mirth of the guards themselves until their mirth is cut short by Iskander's arm-deep rotational decapitations.
- The Meat Magi attempt spells, but Iskander's plan works! The spells are drawn to the spell-attracting locket lodged deep within the four-armed meat man! Successive spells hit him, weakness reducing his gluteal grip and an arcane blood-link attaching his health to Iskander.
- Iskander suddenly realises a horrible truth - killing the man he's fisting will also kill him.
- He drinks a potion of sponginess, which unfortunately was supposed to be applied topically. He vomits it all over his own arm and up the big man's bum crack. His arm become like a sponge and easily, finally, extricated from the powerful rump of his foe.

- The Muscle Man limps out a door for a bit of a lie down after the ordeal. Thankfully for him, he random-doors straight into the dorms, where he places a pillow under his lower back as he lies down.

- A last surprise attack from Legless Baz is forestalled when Astro Moon punches a dead wizard to become a horrible steed, on which Legless Baz can be mounted like a centaur figurehead. He's pleased, and becomes non-violent.

--- The Worst Thing That Can Happen
- Amongst the corpses of several dead wizards and guards, the party ask Legless (Legged?) Baz about how the meat factory could be destroyed.
- He tells them that, on balance, a full mutagenic outbreak such as might be caused by pressing the big "do not press" button down in the basement would wind up destroying the place.
- The gang look at each other with a 😬
- The mutagen bubbles around the doors, forcing them open. Sirens outside grow louder. It's time to go!
- They escape out the front door, Legless Baz cantering along beside them, as the fire department-esque mutagen squad roll up in a big red flesh-van and start spraying the place down with lye. Meatworks... complete!

Total: 6000 exp

Loot:
- 17 sausages (17 exp)
- A slab of iberico ham (1000sp)
- A vial of blade poison - Trauma equal to damage, one use.
- Three choking cigarettes - breathe out to stun an area of foes, Save vs Blast slows instead.
Total: 1017 exp


Foes Defeated:
- A fair number of guards (100 exp)
- A smaller number of Meat Mages (250 exp)
- Legless Baz (75 exp)
- A four-armed big boss man (750 exp)
Total: 1175 exp


OOC:
- Chronicler - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Vanguard - George
- Chef - Izzy

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 45028 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 39883 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 37041 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 36704 (Level up at 64000)

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 14122 (Level up at 18000)

Session 307 - Astro Moon's Shit-Eating Grin

Date: July 28, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Allfather

New Backstory:

- Astro Moon had a good set of friends when she was young, and was a devoted follower. +X to actions that at least two others have succeeded at this round/turn, +1 per success

- Iskander got the wrong impression of his mentor, Zulu, and kissed her... she threw him into the Burning Bush while it was on fire. +1 HD of health for the rest of the session if you successfully romance someone

Events:

--- The Meatworks
- With Swan the Swift currently down with the novel coronavirus, the rest of the team decide to take on an ancilliary heist - the Meatworks! A horrible factory which creates the Meat Lord's most powerful mutant Meat Men. Take it down and the assault on the Meat Lord's citadel will be much easier.
- There are two obvious entries - the front door (heavily guarded) and the poop chute outflow into the river (disgusting). Luckily surfer bro Tyler Lockheart is here with his radical surfing power! A plan is hatched!
- Tyler is to wear three of the magic meat necklaces containing almost all of his team-mates, while Iskander with his so-so surfing skills will bodyboard in behind. Tyler does so stylishly, surfing up the poop chute, while Iskander nearly messes up by falling into the stinky brown. Luckily it camouflages him enough to remain unseen by any guards!

--- The Flushway
- They paddle in up the outflow and find themselves in a tunnel with a fairly thin ledge, all running with brown sludge. It is strangely familiar to those who experienced a certain chocolate factory on a certain lunar body. Must be their dodgy maps they brought with them...
- For some reason, Astro Moon tastes the faecal river! A rush of magic nearly sends her gobbling up big handfuls of the stuff... but luckily she passes the save! Phew!
- They find some noses that can be pressed to release antiseptic gunk. It's covid safe!
- The doors are big clenched mouths that open with an "ouch!" when you bop their nose.

--- Cauldrons and the Poop Guy

- Hearing voices and splashing behind one door, and not much other than a faint bubbling behind the other door, they opt for the latter. Inside are cauldrons full of bubbling colourful gunk... and at one side of the room a really fat guy in a big press!
- They talk to the guy and it seems he's being mined for his magical poop, which is squeezed out occasionally by the big press. It's very horrible, but the guy refuses to be released because they'll just do this to someone else. At least he knows that while he's here getting tortured it's preventing someone else from the same fate.

- Investigating the gunk cauldrons it soon becomes apparent that, yes, there's a random table. Who can resist drinking random goop in a dungeon when it's got a random table attached?!

- Results range from some big goop guy coming out and attacking you (this happens twice, both times eventually murdered!), some delicious strawberry-flavoured liqueur, and something that is just marmite.
- They check a side room and find some kids imprisoned! They are all references to some well known characters from a certain book about a chocolate factory! Maybe to be released later, who knows.
- Tyler peeps into the next main room through the gritted teeth, seeing little orange guys with buckets in their crab claw hands scooping frothy broth full of mutating flesh and eyeballs from big seething vats!
- Celebus charges up a spell and animates a bucket of guts as a distraction! The horrified target tries to drop the bucket as the guts start slithering over him and... the pub tells us they're closing early tonight!

- It's a cliffhanger ending!

Total: 4000 exp

Loot:
- Strawberry Liqueur x5
- Marmite x7

Murders:
- 2 big goopy blobby guys! (150 exp)

OOC:
Art Attack: Charles
Model Maniac: Ollie
Chronicler: Charles
Expedition Leader & Vanguard: Kitty
Quartermaster & Triage: Ollie
Chef: Izzy

Exp Totals:

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 38953 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 36111 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 35874 (Level up at 64000)

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 5 Specialist: 13459 (Level up at 24000)

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 13192 (Level up at 18000)

Session 297 - Welcome to Salivasburger

Date: July 3rd, 14 p.p
Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: The Dead God

New Characters:
Tinker Rat, a diminutive fairy-like Ratman.

New Backstory:
- Amanta fell out forever with her husband - a male underground mantis. Naturally, she ate his head. It turns out somebody here is a long-lost friend - "wait... John?!" - up to you whether you've forgiven each other by now. One use.

Events:

--- In Pursuit of the Zombies
- In the massive bicep, surrounded by buff greased-up muscle men, the party discusses what to do about the Ravenous Zombies they previously accidentally unleashed.
- Iskander tries to lift the giant bone... and fails. He swears to everyone not to tell Swanny.
- The party head off into the giant right hand that thrusts up from the sweaty Meatland ground, climbs up the inside, and make their way across the tendon bridge into the giant left hand.

- They find a sort of defensive chamber that was obviously not enough to protect the massive-brained people of XANAX from the brain-seeking zombies. They grab some globes filled with a horrible substance that makes teeth grow over you, and a dead XANAX cultist with their brain scooped out.
- They go upwards, finding themselves between the huge fingers of the left hand. Strange sigils are tattooed onto the giant fingers, and a couple of XANAXes are up there trying to discern if there's a prophecy about these zombies on there.
- Iskander reads it and learns how to discern good meat forage from bad meat forage! Useful! Tinker Rat learns some music.
- They head down into the hand again and see some of the inside of the hand has been barricaded against zombies. No sign of said zombies though.
- Tinker-Rat peeks down a hole into the meat of the palm and nearly gets jumped! Quick thinking lets her evade, and Amanta chucks a tooth grenade down the hole! It hits the spaniard zombie, and teeth start boring into his skull and growing claw-like over his face.

- The Liber Quint zombie flees, jumping out of one of the hands' massive pores and sprinting off into the Meatlands. A last crossbow bolt gets her in the back, but she rolls and keeps going out of range!

--- The Lens Machine
- Ravenous Zombie away, the party check out the room they're in. There's a big meaty machine with a big bony box, and a place in between where one of the several types of lens formed from aqueous humour in a transparent skin.

- Experiments, naturally, ensue. It's all fun and games making diamonds double in size or spellbooks change colour until it is discovered that doing this makes the object unstable and eventually turn to sludge.
- Astro Moon suddenly realises that her spellbook, now a nice shade of blue, is on borrowed time. It's even getting squishy in her hands.
- They return to XANAX and are thanked profusely for saving them from the zombies! They are rewarded by being allowed to suckle from the horrible phallic milk-teats that grow from a cyst on the wall, and also given 100 precious iron rations that they'd been saving in case something happened to the teats.
- Everyone suckles on the teats in more and more overtly sexual ways, except for Amanta who just squeezes it into one of the bowls provided and drinks it from there. Nutritious, though!

--- To Salivasburger
- It's time to head on to the main city of the Meatlands, formerly Salisburgh and now naturally known as Salivasburger, its stone walls emerging from fatty deposits that look like they're trying to suck it down into the meat.
- It's an uneventful trip other than the smell of sweat pouring from the skin-ground. It's very hot, so the skin is slippery and sweaty.
- After a few hours they're at the gates of Salivasburger - a pair of massive gnashing teeth turned sideways, defending a long throat that leads through the wall and into the town proper. A mutated guard, looking from above, inspects the party and orders the gates opened to let them in.

--- A Mysterious Murder
- The city of Salivasburger, once walled by stone and packed with half-timbered buildings, is now packed also with meat, bone, and various bodily fluids. The gutters run with pale red liquid, repairs to buildings are completed with stretched-out skin canvases and lumps of cancerous meat, and the people are a motley crowd of mutated people and beasts.
- Somehow Iskander and Celebus are the weirdest people here. Nobody bats an eyelid at a giant mantis-woman or a fairy rat, but they give a wide berth to the unmutated strangers in their midst.
- They look around, somewhat overwhelmed, and hear a scream from down an alleyway! They see a shadowy hooded figure murder someone with a long dagger and give chase!
- The drool-slick cobbles slow their movements and the figure looks like it's going to escape... but suddenly its head falls off and rolls down the drain! Or did it scurry off on lots of horrible little legs?? The body falls to its knees... and starts sniffing around like a dog before noticing the party and running off on all fours.
- Tinker Rat flies down into the sewer to chase the head and meets several other rats down there. They explain that it's a fairly common type of creature around here, but they don't know much more. They offer Tinker Rat some unclean meat to be hospitable, and Tinker Rat partakes to be social.
- Tinker Rat's face slides off.
- She dies.

- Up in the alleyway the rest of the party is none the wiser and, after waiting around for half an hour, decide that Tinker Rat probably returned to her own kind. They exit the alleyway and head out into the city, while a mere half a metre beneath their feet Tinker Rat's body is devoured by her new friends.

--- Spellbooks and Sausages
- Astro Moon needs to get a new spellbook made... and fast! Hers is denaturing rapidly, and carrying it around really isn't helping. To that end she asks around until she finds a library, and as is tradition all libraries are curated by Necromancers.
- It transpires that nobody will take Obols here - that's fake demon money you see. Here all trade is done in clean meat - from thin slivers of prosciutto up to big haunches of salted meat when you really want to splash the cash.
- After some bad haggling, the Necromancers agree to copy Astro Moon's spellbook for her. Despite her  protestations the party pay for the service out of their shared coffers. It'll take a few days, but that's better than having to start from scratch!

Total: 6000 exp

Treasure:
- Tooth grenades
- 100 iron rations (1000 exp)
Total: 1000 exp

Foes Defeated:
- 2 Ravenous Zombies, though one escaped... (100 exp)
Total: 100 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler / Chef - Charles (200 exp)
- Expedition Leader / Vanguard - Kitty (200 exp)
- Paymaster - Izzy (100 exp)
- Quartermaster - Ollie (100 exp)

Dead:

James G / Tinker Rat - Face fell off after eating some suspicious meat

Exp Totals:

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 14023 (Level up at 18000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 4 Fighter: 13368 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 4 Mantis Specialist: 11281 (Level up at 14000)

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 9328 (Level up at 18000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!
- James G - Tinker Rat - DECEASED

Session 296 - Brains and Brawn

 Date: July 1st, 14 p.p.

Moon: Full Moon - Clear Face
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:
- Amanta, in her pre-anthropomorphic days deep in the cold depths of the Earth, ate her mantis "husband" to survive. Can eat 2 rations at a time when you eat to heal.
- Celebus was known for carrying pockets full of stinky rotisserie chicken. +1 AC when covered in filth.
- Swan saved his sick mother by arcane means, descending to hell and plucking out his own eye to save her life. The legends say she cannot die. +1 Arcana

- Astro Moon was gravely insulted by some of the stock space baddies she always fought against. She took them out easily with a flashy ultimate move. +1 Strength

Events:

--- Samuel's Hot Buns
- Celebus returns! And he's got a massive zombie sausage steed. You read that right!
- Since the meat in the Meatlands is demonstrably mutagenic, the plan is to bring some non-mutating meat in there with them. Since they're close to Samuel's tavern, they head there. Unfortunately all he has are suspicious "slut buns" that allegedly turn you into a slut if you eat them.
- They buy some anyway and head off towards the Meatlands. On the way they see some stoneshell crab moults. Celebus puts one on a zombie for fun.

--- Meatgate
- They come to the town on the edge of the Meatlands and see they strange mutant people who live there. One of them offers a fat marrow - the vegetable not the bone juice - and they swap it for a slut bun.
- It's raining a bit, so the quivering skin of the Meatlands shivers slightly and has goosebumps. A road is scarred into the meaty ground. In the middle distance, on either side of the road, two giant hands thrust skywards. There's a long tendon between them. Swan asks "surely that's the actual Meatgate?" and the natives look embarrassed that they didn't think of that.

--- Sweaty Oily Muscle Men
- Our heroes set off and approach the giant hands. There's a giant bicep bulging from the sweaty ground too, and a massively muscular man standing nearby waving his massive arm. He yells to them that they should join his gym!
- Swan's interested, so they go inside the bicep and see a whole load of extremely nude and extremely muscular men doing workouts. In the middle of the room is a massive bone pillar. The muscle guy shows them what happens if you lift the bone - a scorpion tail nips out from the space beneath it and injects you! It does, in fact, do so, and the muscle man immediately challenges another to a wrestle.
- Swan demands Eegor lift the bone, and he duly does so. He also demands a wrestling match, and he and Swan get into several compromising positions (ooooh master!) before Swan lets Eegor win. Eegor's muscles swell - he's gotten stronger!
- Astro Moon lifts the bone and must kill someone with her bare fists! Small potatoes for a muscle wizard! However she's forbidden from murdering the muscle men. They tell her to go beat up one of the "thinky people" who live in one of the hands outside. She's got until sundown.

--- The Thinky People
- Amanta climbs up the side of a hand and has a peek in through a large pore. Inside there are people with massive heads slurping fluid from tentacles growing from the muscle within the hand. A man spots her! His name is XANAX and she offers him a slut bun. Oh no, he's somehow changed into a slut! His name is now XANSEX and he no longer craves knowledge... he craves XANSEX!

- Amanta climbs down as chaos begins within the hand. XANAX vs XANSEX - the ultimate battle of the brains.
- Since nobody can climb as good as Amanta, it looks like the way for most people to get into the left hand is to go through the right hand and over the tendon bridge,.

--- Neuron Monsters
- They go into the big suppurating pore in the right hand, which naturally forms a dungeon-like environment. Flies and maggots crawl around the entrance, feasting on the shuddering flesh of the hand. It's yuck in here.
- They climb a bone ladder and once they reach the wrist they are attacked by some horrible mutant meat monsters! Big salivating jaws with horrible square teeth, eyes beneath the jaws, and massive neuron arms that they use to swing across the ceiling!
- The big limitation is how few people can get out of the ladder in time! Amanta manages to throttle one with its own ganglia, while Astro Moon after some effort does indeed manage to beat the other to death with her bare fists. The magic is complete and she grows both stronger and heartier!
- In the lair of the monsters they find some cool treasure - 3 nasty mottled creature embyros and some "bone" china.

--- Brainwaves
- The team continues up the ladder one by one. Amanta, in the lead, sees a man look down the shaft with his fingers to his temples. It's XANAX! He shoots mind beams at her and she collapses limp! Swan catches her as she slips back down the ladder.
- Celebus has a solution! He casts Fast Zombie on one of his zombies (the corpse of ex-PC Liber Quint) and the zombie goes Ravenous! It's way fast, talkative, and smart! It scrambles up the ladder towards XANAX and there is an echoing scream!
- The zombie Liber Quint looks down the ladder at her former owner and laughs menacingly. There's more than enough brain in the head of these XANAX guys... She mockingly drops some brain from above.
- Somewhat scared, the party leaves the hand and heads back to the muscle men's bicep gym. The zombie spaniard is carrying Amanta's limp body.
- A bit of brain splats to the ground in front of the zombie, which it eats unthinkingly. Suddenly its eyes go wide too! The Ravening is spreading! Amanta wakes up just in time to jump out if its grasp, and it sprints into the hand to join the other zombie! Celebus is absolutely fucking shocked at this turn of events.

- As they head for the bicep, they see the two zombies shambling slowly across the tendon bridge, towards the other big-brained members of XANAX...
- At the bicep, Swan attempts to lift the bone and gets jabbed by the stinger. He, too, is compelled to fight someone to the death...

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:
- 3 dark mottled embryos (900 exp)
- 6 bone china plates (480 exp)
Total: 1380 exp

Defeated Foes:

- Two ganglion meat monsters (150 exp)
- A member of XANAX (25 exp)

Total: 175 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 23564 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 12403 (Level up at 18000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 4 Mantis Specialist: 9661 (Level up at 14000)

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 3 Muscle Wizard: 7808 (Level up at 9000)

Session 292 - Spectres and Space Ghosts

 Spectres and Space Ghosts

Date: June 18, 21 P.P.

Moon: Third Quarter
Zenith: Minerva

New Backstory:
- The coffers of Aemelius Princeps' civilisation were running low, so he was forced to raise taxes. +1 Charisma.
- Liber Quint was shoved into a charcoal hole by her brother, which might be why she has such an affinity for charcoal. If you fall, automatically pass your Climb check to grab the edge.

Events:

--- Ghoulfriends

- After the flea attack of last session, the party have entered the small house of a couple of Necromancer types. Their mouths and clawed hands drip with gloopy ectoplasm, making it quite hard to understand them.
- Liber Quint gives one a handkerchief which really helps. Their boss next door is the Caretaker and he's a mean one. They've all been blessed by their new Necrogod with ghouly ectoplasm powers, and they're opposed to the other Necromancers in the mausoleum across the way. They're fundamentally divided on whether the vampire lord Cyrus survived the End War, and whether they should go seek him out and install him at the head of a new Necromancer civilisation.

--- Actually Frankenstein was the doctor

- They leave to seek out this other faction, and conveniently randomly encounter them on the way! They have cool clockwork skeletons and Frankensteins (monsters) that fizz with electricity and constantly ask existential questions.
- Aemileus greets them as their rightful Emperor, to general giggles. Swan the Swift notices that they've got wiggly daggers, just like him! He tries to convince them that he's a member of their order, "proving" his Necromantic power by waving his arms around while Liber sends up a wall of fog! Unfortunately the magic goes a bit haywire and all the plants around start growing super fast!
- Persuaded by the display of power, they invite the team into their mausoleum. Swan tells them that he's 1000 years old and knew Cyrus personally, which they're amazed by. He also asks if they could bring back the flea-punctured corpse of Igor back to life as a Frankenstein zombie, which they agree to do!

--- It's.... ALIIIIVEE!
- They rush Igor's body to their resurrection chamber which is, of course, down in the basement. Fizzing anbaric current flows through the table, through the bolts they installed in his neck, and into Igor's corpse! He opens his eyes - Igor has returned!
- He immediately recognises his master, Swan the Swift! It transpires that his life was so awful that death was a gift, leading to an amazing result when he's turned into a frankenzombie! That plus he's got electric fists now.
- The scientists explain that this technology is a combination of crashed Seraphim technology, mad science, and the weird energies of pod containing an evil space ghost called Torpo the Sane. It goes without saying, but naturally it would be absolutely fucking terrible if someone let the space ghost out.

- Further conversation reveals that these Necromancers are incredibly uninformed about the world outside, they didn't even know that Mt Death Frost was previously stuck under a dino-dome, or that there's a massive flesh tree out there now!
- They listen to a quick death-church service before they leave, gaining improved saves against Law and the ability to cancel other people's religious bonuses. Nice. Aemileus takes umbrage at the Necromancers' insistence that gods are all either fake or worthless, considering how all the Emperors get deified and all.

--- Coast to Coast
- They have a quick peek outside and dear lord that's a lot of plant growth! Swan is clearly a powerful mage! Might leave that for a bit though, seeing as it would be silly not to talk to this space ghost they've heard so much about.
- Torpo the Sane, as it turns out, is not particularly sane. He is rather talkative though. Apparently he got banished from his home planet after eating most of the life on said planet. He claims that Liber Quint is destined to open the glyph-inscribed coffin and join forces with him, which she does not believe somehow.
- After a bunch of attempts to get them to let him out, he yells out to the Necromancers in the rest of the complex that the team is letting him out! Naturally they rush in to stop our heroes!
- Aemilius swiftly Dominates the frankenzombie and forces it to turn on its master, while Liber Quint twists her heartspell into another Wall of Fog. Unfortunately the excess magic escapes again, this time as a Cosmic Horror result! Luckily (or "luckily") for Liber, it's one of the few non-instadeath results! Her eyes explode from her face and new eyes flicker into existence along her arms and hands, bubbling like frogspawn!
- This is all certainly enough chaos to escape with, so the gang make a break for it! They run out of the mausoleum and off through the twisting trees.

- Aemilius decides that he has seen enough of his empire and heads off to return to the Moon, Cambridge and/or Australia.

- The others make a loose plan to head to Mt Death Frost and see if Cyrus is actually alive or not. Plus they can check out the flesh tree and all that weird stuff that's bound to be over there!

Total: 5000 exp

Valuables:
- Igor, resurrected!

Foes vanquished:

- A Necromancer (50 exp)
- A Frankenzombie (25 exp)
- 2 clockwork skeletons (20 exp)
Total: 95 exp

OOC:
- Kitty: Chronicler & Cartographer
- Izzy: Expedition Leader
- Timothy: Triage
- George: Vanguard & Chef
100 exp per role

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 4 Barbarian: 12307 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 3 Bibliognost: 6310 (Level up at 9000)

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 3 Muscle Wizard: 5669 (Level up at 9000)
DING! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +free spell! +backstory!

- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 3 Halfling: 4587 (Level up at 8000)
DING! +1d6 HP! +1 to Domination! +backstory!

Session 291 - The Untimely Death of Clacky Snip-Snips

 The Untimely Death of Clacky Snap-Snaps

Date: June 16, 21 P.P.
Moon: Waning Gibbous Dragon Face
Zenith: Oberon

New Backstory:
- Astro Moon had very religious grandparents, hardcore Styxians. She turned her back on them. Apostate to Styxians. Immune to Styxian Clerics.
- Celebus Uppytus had a terrible birthday because nobody showed up. On June 15th every game year, and every real year, and on the week of your actual birthday, a known ally of your choice shows up during the session.
- Iskander defeated an enemy in glorious combat and granted them their death. +1 Dexterity.
- Swan the Swift bumped into an old acquaintance - the dog he saved back in the distant past. It was a thousand years old by that point and laughed in his face, clearly some sort of trickster deity being a dick as per usual. Once per session force someone you've met before not to act for a round.
- Liber Quint killed someone in a tragic charcoal burning accident, only finding the blackened bones several weeks later. Allies cannot be harmed by your fumbles.

Events:

--- There's Been a Murdahrrr!

- Church bells desperately ring out across Kink. The party, now much reinforced over last session, hurries past human crab-worshippers and giant crabs alike on their way to the church.
- They burst through the door and... horror of horrors! A huge dead crab lies in the aisle! Crabspeaker Johnny Snips, a man wearing false antennae and massive crab-speaking castanettes, is here with the local priest Peter Papenguy investigating the scene!
- Celebus inspects the corpse. It's a murder alright! And the murder weapon was... a distinctive pincer! Some of the crab meat within is gone too. He takes a rubbing of the pincer shape in order to pincerprint suspects.

--- One-Claw McGraw
- They head straight across town to see an old grizzled hero crab by the name of One-Claw McGraw. In front of the house they find another crab waiting - Elemy Scorpio the Crab Squire!
- He refuses to let the unworthy approach One-Claw McGraw, so Iskander challenges him to a noble duel. Scorpio draws an elegant rapier, while Iskander has his skeleton hand him a heavy hammer.

- They duel, and despite the fancy legwork of the Crab Squire he is forced to yield to the superior warrior.

- They enter the house and meet One-Claw McGraw himself! He indeed has only one claw, and also somehow an eyepatch. He lost the claw and the eye in a battle against the crystal dragon to the north, which menaces the good stoneshell quarries of the crabs.
- Celebus compares the rubbing of the murder weapon to One-Claw McGraw's one claw. It's a perfect match... except it's the wrong way round! Clacky Snap-Snaps was murdered with his missing claw!
- Charles makes the most perfect NANI!!??! face.
- The witnesses to the dragon fight were his squire, Elemy Scorpio, and his squire's squire Barry d'Louse. Barry now works at the Barber where he works in cleaning and de-lousing the crabs' stone shells. Barry is now a suspect.
- One-Claw McGraw himself says that he was outside Clacky's house when the murder happened! He was spurned by her, and wished to woo her by standing outside the window and serenading her with some classic Peter Gabriel.
- As they leave with their suspicions, they see the town gossip Kyle Conselle who is delighted to let them in on the secret that Pennicrab Sugarclaw, a nudist crab living in a mansion on the edge of town, was also wronged by Clacky Snip-Snips. Clacky took her old shell, and no new one fit, leading to her current situation. Another suspect!

--- Split the Party

- They decide to split up to investigate suspects.
- Iskander and Liber Quint interrogate Barry d'Louse. He confesses that he doubled back after the disastrous attack on the dragon, reclaiming McGraw's other claw and also eating the meat from his lost eye stalk. Disgusting! However, he sold the claw to a collector - Pennicrab Sugarclaw herself! The plot thickens.
- Celebus and Astro Moon go to the egg-laden mansion of Pennicrab Sugarclaw. She tells them that she can't have done it - everyone would notice a naked crab walking through town. She did, however, have McGraw's other claw as a souvenir... but it recently went missing from over the mantlepiece! No crabs could have got in here undetected, so the thief must be a human.
- Swan the Swift and Eegor go back to Elemy Scorpio the Crab Squire and find out that Barry always had a thing for Clacky Snap-Snaps, but she wasn't into humans and honestly how would that even work.

--- Mystery Solved!
- Barry d'Louse is clearly the most suspicious taken to the church to see the body and... he breaks down in tears. It was him! It was all him! He even points out the murder weapon where he'd hidden it behind the pews - it's McGraw's other claw!
- He tries to run, but Iskander shoots him in the leg. He is dragged before the Crab Queen in the river under the bridge, and pleads guilty. Premeditated crab murder - a capital crime. Iskander suggests he be executed by One-Claw McGraw whom he tried to frame, but Swan the Swift swiftly kicks him off the bridge and into the waiting maw of the Crab Queen!
- She devours him whole, and in thanks for this great service to crabkind gives the gift of the Gifflewim Coin she has been protecting. She warns them never to flip it, for Gifflewim is a great danger now, infected by the Idea of Thorns.

--- Off to the Local Dungeon Locale
- With a fair bit of time left in the session they're at a bit of a loose end. They do grab some cheeky crab meat and crab lice on their way out, so Astro Moon cooks up "Seasea Landland" from the seafood, some butter, and a prickly pear that Celebus picked up from the roadside.

- It looks pretty fucking dire honestly, just a protein shake slurry, but somehow she manages to kick it over the line from Palatable into Tasty. 
- There's a big obvious dungeon nearby - one of the wing-petals of a Seraphim thrusts from the ground where it crashed during the End War. They head that way overland, the interminable Heatwave forcing the poor party to reluctantly slurp down the Seasea Landland slurry to keep on going.

--- Flea for your Lives
- They arrive at the site and find the way in has several statues of Necromancer-Generals carved out the front. There's also arguing from a house near the base of the ruined Seraphim petal.
- They investigate and hear some ectoplasm-spewing necromancers having an argument over whether Cyrus Carnithrex Maximus, millenia-old vampire overlord of the Undead forces during the End Times, is still alive. One side argues that he's alive (well, undead) and they should head off to find him and reinstall him at the head of the Necromancers, the other that he's either dead or defeated and so there's no point leaving the safety of their current base of operations.
- But suddenly, maybe attracted by the noise, an accursed sproinging begins from behind! It is nothing less than enormous fleas, and their accursed bouncing! Swan the Swift remains outdoors to face down the new foe!
- Celebus and Liber Quint spring into action, dumping oil all over the fleas. Swan tries to light the oil and is dragged back by Iskander! A rivalry is born on the battlefield! "I won't let you get all the glory SWANNY!" booms Iskander!
- Swan pulls Iskander out through the window and they tumble into the oil amongst the fleas. The torch drops and lights the fire! They wrestle in the oily fiery mud, fleas dying around them.
- It's getting tense until Celebus activates his backstory and One-Claw McGraw shows up! He was following the party to make sure they didn't get into more trouble! He spits water on the fire and breaks up the fight!

- Iskander and Swan the Swift shake hands, a fierce rivalry between warriors has been forged.
- The drippy necromancers inside the house, honestly quite baffled at what just went down, let the party come inside to rest up. The party feast on fried fleas and settle down to sleep, except for Astro Moon who finishes of the Seasea Landland and Liber Quint who disappears in the night to do spooky elf stuff beneath the light of the Dragon Face Moon.

Total: 7000 exp

Valuables:
- A fair amount of crab meat

- A Gifflewim Coin (500 exp)

Total: 500 exp

Foes Vanquished:
- Elemy Scorpio, defeated in a duel (25 exp)
- Barry d'Louse, indicted and executed by Crab (5 exp)
- 5 Corpse Fleas (25 exp)
Total: 55 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 4 Barbarian: 11033 (Level up at 16000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 3 Fighter: 7408 (Level up at 8000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 3 Necromancer: 5824 (Level up at 9000)
DING! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell!

- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 3 Bibliognost: 5036 (Level up at 9000)

DING! +1d6 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell!

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 4395 (Level up at 4500)

Session 288 - After the Lockdown

Session 288 - After the Lockdown

New Characters:
- Police, a Halfling cop who stares at goats.
- Swan the Swift, an ex-torturer Barbarian with a very Norse aesthetic
- Astro Moon, a Muscle WIzard surface farmer with a very Magical Girl aesthetic.
- Iskander Fullbeard, a Fighter, trader and Forebearer who long survived the Wastes.

Events:

--- Groundhog Day
It's been Groundhog Day for a long time. In the morning the Powershell overhead bursts into fuzzing static, and everyone wakes up into the same day. At first few remembered the previous loops, doing proper Bill Murray Groundhog Day shit, but over time more and more people began to wake into the loop.
Extremely awkward for those early people though, when they suddenly discovered that their actions have consequences.
But today something is different. Something cracked through the dome overhead and crashed on the High Hill near town. Surprised and curious, a gang of new characters heads out to investigate...

--- The Gad and the Goat
- A motley band of adventurers sets out from New Moondin. It's not far to the High Hill, and this far into the loops they've all gone there countless times. Iskander is riding a bone horse and is followed by a skeleton porter. Everyone else has to walk.
- First they travel up past the Pod Farms. Little self-contained domes full of crops. Nobody works on them any more. It's pointless when the crops reset. They talk to a farmer who tells them as much, and Police takes some corn as evidence.
- There's not much of a trail up past the Gad Cliffs, but of course they know the way. There aren't many Elves in the cliffs any more, since they don't have to sleep it's easy for them to go live in the future. Tomorrow People of other species can get a few weeks away at best, but eventually even the biggest insomniacs run out of cocaine.
- To everyone's surprise, a Gad is here! Thin and long-limbed, with wrap-around eyes and shimmering gossamer sugar-glider wings. She calls out to Swan the Swift, who she remembers from a previous loop. She's called Silf and he's not quite sure when they met, since despite waking early on Day Zero he was one of the last people become conscious of the loop itself.
- She offers to guide them up to the High Hill, and on the way they see a goat! Police runs to mind-control it with his Halfling powers... and it conks him right in the head! They manage to subdue it despite its goatiness, and Police ties it to his back. After several attempts, he finally makes it his pet.



--- Back From the Old Days
- Atop the hill they find, still glowing, your previous characters! They crashed through the dome after a fight with Gifflewim to somehow undo the Lockdown. Unfortunately Gifflewim did something to their memories, because they were getting too good at getting to him between the loops.
- They all head back to New Moondin, the old heroes heading to various places to become Mentors. Ratman goes to live under the old collapsed bridge, Plodd and Poison Phil head to the Goblin Integration Zone to see if they can do anything to help the Goblins who live behind the walls, and Candy Crush plans to go see the mirror witch she remembers meeting in an adventure long ago.

--- Going Outside
- With the time loop apparently ended, they decide to head out to see what the world beyond looks like.
- They walk through the static mist and... Holy shit it's so GREEN.
- Outside the world has recovered. Grass rustles, insects buzz, birds flit through the air. It's amazing.
- They also hear a scream coming from down a well. Since I have prepped nothing extra it looks like a classic dungeon placed in this hex long ago is the new hotness.

--- Well Enough Alone
- Down the well there is, of course, a dungeon. Luminous fresh water and a corridor that leads to a door. They enter into a room with floor tiles with a plant and vine aesthetic. It's also, clearly, hollow.
- Iskander smashes the floor with his hammer, and it falls in! Down there is a single big sarcophagus, and some sort of tiresome water puzzle.

- Iskander and Astro Moon jump down to investigate. They solve the water puzzle, the sarcophagus lid pulls back... and a bunch of dead people jump out! They look exactly like Skyrim Draugr! Both investigators are rapidly hauled back up to the floor above.
- The draugr yell "hey leave us alone ok?" but after much deliberation, the discovery that they've got a cool magic necklace, and many comments to the effect of "we can take them easy", the party attack!

--- Against the Draugr
-Silf the Gad flutters away, scared, and the battle is joined!
- Three of the draugr are flung by the others up onto the main level, and Astro Moon tries a gambit to kick one back down. Unfortunately she falls down herself and is mobbed by the three that stayed down there. One of them chews off her hand!
- Police bravely takes on two of the draugr on the top level, and gets absolutely mauled. He takes a couple down, but with his collarbone shattered and bleeding in twenty different places he is yes - fucking dead. With his last moments he uses meme magic to transfer his soul into the goat. Police is now a Police Goat.
- Swan and Iskander, better at fighting, are set upon by the other draugr after they take down Astro Moon and leave her to her fate. They cut down several, and the draugr start to complain that they might lose!
- But wait! It's the GOAT! It charges into battle and headbutts the final one with its horns! The draugr's corpse tumbles down, shattering its head on the stone floor.
- A short funeral is held for Police's corpse, attended of course by Police Goat. They shove it into the sarcophagus and close the lid.
- Iskander grabs the magic thingy this was all in aid of getting. It's a Corpse Chat Necklace, and allows the spirit animating an undead creature to speak! Clearly this needs to go on his skeleton porter.

Total: 7000 exp

Valuables:
- Corpse Chat Necklace - allows the spirit animating an undead creature to speak.

Murders:
- 6 draugr, slain at great cost (150 exp)

Total: 150 exp

OOC:
- Remembrancer: Charles (100 exp)
- Art Attack: Charles (100 exp)
- First party to enter this dungeon (200 exp)
- Amputation Bonus (Astro Moon - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience (Astro Moon - 100 exp)
- Death's Witness (all - 100 exp ea.)
- Died In Your First Session (Charles - 500 exp)

Exp Totals:

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 2884 (Level up at 4500)
DING! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +free spell!
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 2 Fighter: 2684 (Level up at 4000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +2 Barbarian rolls!
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 2 Barbarian: 2684 (Level up at 4000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +1 to BAB! +1 to Crits/Fumbles!
- Charles / Police, Level ? Goat: ? exp (Never level up)
- Charles Next Character: +1000 exp.