Session 334 - The Unravelled

Date: 17 January, 23 p.p.
Moon: Waxing Crescent - Dragonwane
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:

- Celebus was destitute and turned to petty crime - stealing chicken sandwiches from the nastiest chicken shop in New Moondin. Luckily when he was caught they punished him by making him a taste tester, and the rest is history! +1 Dexterity

- Tyler Lockheart has a secret crush on Celebus! If your crush would be damaged in combat, you can jump in the way and take double the damage instead,

Events:

--- War Preparation
- With the door out of the room locked, the party does a bit of prep to hopefully deal with the dangerous Unravelled on the other side. Dorian gets to slurping down one of the dead monks and stealing its stretchy powers, Celebus raises the remainder as zombies, and Tyler resets the big swinging trap that they set up last week.
- Outside the door, the Unravelled monks are not well pleased by the murder of their friends. There is a bit of back and forth through the door, until Iskander gets bored and crossbows the guy on the outside!
- They are even more not well pleased and start setting up barricades on the outside. The party is sad because now they're trapped in here with nothing to eat but skeletons and like 10000 old sausages that Tyler presumably has in a big wet bag. 

--- Take the Fight to Them!
- Iskander jumps on the swinging spike trap and launches himself out the door! He discovers that they're setting up barricades, but too slow! An unfortunate monk is in the way and gets spike trapped!
- The monks have stretchy arms and attack over their barricades, but to be fair Dorian now does too! He uses the arm like a spring, smashing his sword into the enemies' faces!
- The really tall guy who's compressed himself into a long snakey fellow tries to slip past Tyler into the room, but Tyler's surfcraft is too powerful! They wrestle nobly, Tyler getting his surfboard stuck right into the guy's craw.

- The party retreats back into the room, hoping to bait them in. The skeletons quickly close the door and Celebus quickly casts his new Bone Claws spell which does exactly what you'd expect!
- Tyler keeps nailing dudes with thrown rocks, just ludicrous accuracy. You love to see it.
- Iskander kills the big giant snakey guy with his insane Fish Blades which are made of actual fish.
- A chanting sound comes from outside in the corridor. What could it be???

--- The Unravelled Cleric
- The source of the sound is soon discovered - some sort of Unravelled priest. He calls a ceasefire and asks why the ceaseless bloodshed??
- Celebus engages him in a battle of wits... achieved irl by having a glass of water with salty lemon and another one with just lemon. Who will win the battle of wits!?
- It's Celebus, but he doesn't believe it when he actually wins, declaring that there's salt in his drink even though he doesn't.

- In any case, the deed is complete, and the priest grants the party amnesty (for now) and offers to take them to the stairs down to the final level where his god waits in the darkness.

- It seems all these people have different ideas of who the Unraveller is, and everyone has an inconsistent story about what they want from their worshippers. Very strange.
- They also see one of the monks starting to knit the big snaky guy back together, starting with the face.
- After being allowed to rest in the room, heal up, and have a sleep (very kind), the priest shows them to the big grand spiral staircase that leads down to the lair of the Unraveller. He warns that there are cancerous beasts down there, and weird things out of time.

- At the bottom of the stairs, the priest points out the big cancer monster that's roving around, and says it's too powerful for him.
- Iskander drinks a Potion of Clairvoyance and detects in all the adjacent rooms... even finding some gold! Once they've killed the beast, perhaps they can get the treasure....

Total: 5000 exp

Foes Defeated:
- Several unravelled Dwarf guys (500 exp)
- Big giant snakey guy (1000 exp)

Total: 1500 exp

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 7 Inheritor: 80036 (Level up at 144000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 7 Necromancer: 74134 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 59086 (Level up at 64000)

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 6 Specialist: 24859 (Level up at 48000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP +2 Skill Points! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

Session 320 - Sightseeing in my Flesh Balloon

Date: 18 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Third Quarter - Dragonwane
Zenith: Oberon

New Characters: 
- Jojo Fullbeard, Muscle Wizard daughter of Iskander who was once a Disaster Repairperson.
- Parabolus, a Specialist who specialises in... ventriloquism. Has a ventriloquist's dummy.

New Backstories:
- Suspiria attempted a forbidden spell and accidentally turned her entire school into an illusion. Countless lives lost and replaced by illusory simulacra. She went into hiding as a result, ending up as a taste tester at Ferfect Fried Chicken.

Events:

--- USS Abomination

- Negotiations have taken place atop the flesh tree Dharga. Aemilius will join the tree as Emperor - less a balancing force and more of an unhinged Emperor who will demand tribute and cause enough internal bickering that the Dharga will be reduced as a threat.
- Also, the Meatlands will be pulled back to the base of the tree, no doubt by merely cutting off circulation to the Meatlands proper. It's August, so the hot sun is sure to make the miles of gangenous flesh smell real good and tasty.

- Finally... they want a ship...

- The Unsightly Symbiotic Ship Abomination is formed!
- Featuring the dulcet tones of Jonathon Toast whose brain has been sacrificed and "upgraded" to form the ship's Awful Intelligence, the ship is huge and rather stupid. Suspiria's familiar loves hanging around the blowhole and pretending to be smoke from the engine. Most of the organs are in the rear, and there's a big Bucket Extrusion And Manipulation device known as the B.E.A.M. to transfer them up and down from the ship. It's... perfect!

- Swan the Swift retires to oversee the Wheatlands project. A wandering ventriloquist named Parabolus arrives conveniently.
- Iskander spends a little while in some sort of poorly explained time travel plot wherein Samantha Bread bears a child - JoJo Athena Fullbeard.

--- Neo-Spacedin
- After some time with all this, they set off on the USS Abomination! First stop - Neo-Spacedin.
- From above they can see the shanty-town that has sprung up around the crashed UFO. They land on the ship's retractable widdle  paws and disembark into what seems suspiciously like a quarry in Wales.

- There are a whole load of bright green blobs dotted around singing about how their god has come! As the airship takes off Parabolus throws his voice to make it sound like the airship itself is speaking and calling the party the emissaries of God.

- The blobs ask where the party is going and they tell them it's Neo-Spacedin. The blobs are all "oooh we can take you there! Help us get in so we can chill!". The party is suspicious.
- Nevertheless, the blobs do lead the party to town. A man in a watchtower holding a laser rifle hails the party... but warns them not to let the blobs in because they drank all the booze. The party get in, accidentally letting a blob or two in, and leaving the disappointed remaining blobs to wheedle at the guards.
- The party hits up the local pub, an extremely tacky reggae themed bar called the Rastaroid. They are, in fact, out of booze. The slimes drank it all!

--- Oven Pizza Horror
- The crashed spaceship is examined and the matter replicator is still stuck on hawaiian oven pizza mode. It turns out all the town's booze is pineapple liqueur made from the pineapple people pick off the pizza.

- [[[Extended jokes and several people crying with laughter here]]]

- There is extended discussion about whether they should try to fix the replicator, because what if they break it? Jojo manages to at least make the pizza come out faster so it doesn't start out reheated. The townsfolk are overjoyed and rename the Hawaiian pizza to The Jojo Pizza.

--- Other Residents
- In town there is a mysterious statue that speaks only in Psalms, worshipped by priests which dragged it here from the wastes. It's the original Snels!
- The Hyperchurch of POWERLAD is the town's main church. The grave of Flowers Penurious is here in the graveyard where grieving worshippers bench-press the gravestones.
- A house with darkened windows contains some vampire refugees. They are a bit pathetic, begging for blood. Suspiria decides against giving them some blood in exchange for a weapon.
- The vampire Luna tells them that Bertha still rules Mt Death Frost, and Cyrus has not been seen for years.

- Swan the Swift briefly arrives with an investment opportunity - the Wheatlands! Wheat beer to change up the pineapple liqueur, and non-pizza wheat products! Plus the vampires can have thrall serfs and be feudal lords! The townsfolk seem pretty pleased with the idea.

- A colony of Mod Cons still reside in the ship, where they have a gaming area set up. Each person in the party persuades a random Mod Con to come with them, from a dimmer bulb for Jojo to an electric toothbrush for Dorian!

- Suspiria, at a blob's behest, kicks it and catches the smaller blob that comes flying out in a bottle. It's a familiar in training! The smoke familiar is immediately jealous.
- Finally, Parabolus asks about the emergency transmission they picked up in Enoch. It was a transmission from Neo-Spacedin to encourage refugees from the growth of the Dharga and the fallout of the diamond dome being destroyed. They are taken to see a special guest... Grumpy the Dwarf!
- He's rocking slowly on a bed next to a stack of uneaten pizza, occasionally mumbling about having lived a thousand thousand lives. Sometimes people emerge from Fate far above, and they're compos mentis but have no memories, and integrate into the community. Grumpy is a little different though, and they don't know why.

- Sounds like someone should investigate Fate!

--- Ascending to Fate

- They return to the ship, satisfied that Neo-Spacedin is going alright and has some interesting stuff going on.
- Ascending back to the ship in the BEAM, they realise that some of these blobs have clung to the bucket! They're stuck under the bottom of the bucket for now, but they might escape...
- Suspiria installs the Mod-Con Playstation in the Hollow Deck. It only has xbox games but who knows what the future might bring? 

- They ascend into the evening sky, turning towards Fate, and blimp their way up and up.
- Lights glimmer below. Fearing air defences, they kick a blob off the ship... nothing. No lasers, no defensive turrets... just light and the faint sound of chatter and music.
- The blimp docks at the only place it really can - the top of the spire of the central sundial-shaped palace! The crew BEAM down, to loud gasps from the crowd below!

- It's just like old times. The steam and cogs of the great Fortress City, the streets filled with hurrying masses, the crowds in clothes from before the end of the world!
- Guards show up in sundial hats, of course. The entry was not exactly subtle. They demand to know who authorised this flesh balloon in the simulation! The party asks them to take them to whoever's in charge.

- Suspiria, hiding behind her mask, is nudged by someone in the crowd. She's been mistaken as a member of the Masquerade faction... but fails the secret codephrase and the person vanishes into the crowd.

- The guards take them through an official looking door and into a sort of backstage area. It turns out Fate is all a big LARP! They meet the LARP coordinator for this area and she's baffled that the party, and the airship, came from outside, she thought everything out there was meant to be dead!
- Suspiria casts Old News, causing everyone within a mile to think that the party's arrival is old news. Known, but not remarked on much any more. The party have entered the LARP...

Total: 6000 exp

Treasure:

- Mod-Con Dimmer Bulb
- Mod-Con Playstation 1 w/ xbox games
- Mod-Con TV Remote
- Mod-Con Electric Toothbrush

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 5 Inheritor: 28109 (Level up at 36000)

- Tom / Suspiria, Level 3 Magic-User: 6184 (Level up at 9000)

- George / Parabolus, Level 1 Specialist Ventriloquist: 1600 (Level up at 1750)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 1600 (Level up at 2250)

Session 317 - Blood and Bosnians

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:

- Dorian is good buddies with Swan the Swift after their adventures together within this flesh-tree. +1 to each other's rolls when next to each other.

Events:

--- The Mirror

- Iskander and Dorian stand before the mirror that recently turned Swan into a flesh golem (in Swan's head at least) and try a bunch of ways to break it. Punching yourself does nothing. Hitting it reflects damage back. Curious "ghouls" and "wererats" look on in bemusement.
- The "ghouls" offer Iskander a bath in the scummy pool in their bodged-together "graveyard" but he declines. Washing off the poop would reveal his glowing skin.
- They're not aggressive, so the pair walk away to the exit, past the figure of Swan who is worshipping at the foot of a big meaty statue of a woman. Convenient timing for a player absence!

--- Meat Zone

- They leave, and continue along the randomly generated dungeon path, emerging into a Dharga-themed meat zone. They pass through a chamber with a bone altar, continue through a room with lots of faceless dead bodies fallen in a sports-like competition.
- There are two exits. One has a chirping sound, and a quick peek through the dripping bone portcullis shows a bunch of dog-sized ticks feasting on more bodies! Not that way then. They go the other way and find some broken-open kennels for the ticks.

- No encounters, perfect! They continue onwards.

--- The Anal Fisher
- They enter a square-ish room with a big blood-filled anus on the floor. Charming. Fishing in the "pool" with a thin bone fishing rod is a man, who declares himself to be the Anal Fisher and he has inconsistent tests in each of the rooms off the four corners of this room!
- They pick the spike room and, discovering that the challenge is to press the button at the other end of a booby-trapped spike room, Iskander just shoots it. Challenge complete!

- The Anal Fisher says that they've earned the right to exit through the anus... but they demur and go through a door into an empty room. Iskander brings the Fisher along, in case he tries something.

--- 2D better than 3D
- He tries something! The room is large and has a bunch of those 2D redcap goblins in it! Iskander pushes the Fisher into the room and he dies of a thousand papercuts.

- Combat is joined, and after a few embarrassing rounds where everybody misses everybody else, the goblins are defeated! The bait in the middle of the room was three velvet bags, and they contain 770 obols in small red gems. Nice.

--- Ermagot
- The next room has bodies hanging from hooks on the ceiling. Iskander shoots one and the hook retracts up to the ceiling, which beats like a heart. In the middle of the room there is some delicious rye sourdough! They both have some, tasty.
- From all four doors, a gang of random people who are all hallucinating wildly enter! They congratulate the pair on becoming bread eaters, and the bread contains rye ergot! Iskander licks some of the dried turd covering his body and vomits up the bread, saving himself from ergotism. Dorian has eaten worse honestly.
- It's a fight! Iskander lobs a magnet bomb, forcibly removing the haemoglobin from the bodies of a whole group of them. Apparently I agreed to this??
- Dorian blowguns another foe for a single point of damage, which is just as useful.
- Luckily these guys are high as fuck the whole time, so keep on missing. Dorian's wrist spurs get an absolute workout, stabbing them through eye sockets and slashing achilles tendons while Iskander basically spins in a big circle murdering people.
- The final two fall to their knees and surrender! Their names are Jonathan Toast and Samantha Bread, and become questionably loyal porters. Samantha seems rather taken with Iskander... or she's just high as fuck.

- They loot the corpses of their new porters' former compatriots and find some pain blade poison and a Confusion Bomb!

--- Bosnians
- Since they've got guides now, they discover that they could skip all the way to the final zone! Since it's just the two of them, they decide to take a detour into a Gold Zone which has an actual specific map.
- A long corridor ends in a huge brass-bound gate with a broken lock, guarded by two very slavic men in knightly armour. Their faith is Enlightened, and thus they consider Iskander's Intergalacticism faith to be heretical.
- Iskander shanks one with a fish.
- It is discovered that Iskander actually speaks Croatian due to his Croatian grandmother, so he can understand these Bosnians quite well. Some time is spent looking up Croatian swearwords. Also it turns out that in this fictional game universe Bosnians have a mutual hatred with the Croats.. apparently irl they both hate the Serbs but that's by the by.

- Iskander's Croatian-swearword-powered swing demolishes the holy armour of one of these guys, even while they have the Backstab-boosting faith bonus of Dispater in zenith. Dorian follows up with his wrist-spurs, fumbles, cracks a spur, and hits the other!
- Killing one, he turns to the other who is about to cry out for help! Dorian is too swift though, clapping his hand over the man's mouth while Iskander sinks his blood-drinking fish into his belly.

- Dorian takes the armour from one of the guys while Iskander loots the flag of Bosnia & Herzegovina from the other.
- They pass through the gate and a strange energy washes over their psyches...

--- Dream Paintings
- They pass through the grand entrance hall, Dorian proclaiming that it will be a good palace for him. He boots open some double doors and enters a gallery, Iskander impishly following behind.

- The paintings shimmer holographically, and Dorian tries one that has a unicorn sleeping with ladies around it.

- Dorian has replaced one of the ladies! He is now in the dream-world, and jumps onto the back of the unicorn. He knows that the Turk yearns in his heart for Constantinople, and rides off into the distance on unicorn-back to assist in its defence!

- Iskander, meanwhile, enters a painting that depicts Bosnian Achilles locked in a duel with Croat Hector, Constantinople burning under the barrage of Ottoman bombards! He helps Hector win the duel, and turns to see the Samantha Bread, she of the face that launched a thousand ships, looking at him in open awe.

- Distantly, the sparkling flank of Dorian's unicorn leaps clean over the parapets of Constantinople and into Mehmed II's honour guard... the great city shall not fall yet!
- We leave the characters conveniently in the dream world, giving whoever shows up next week ample time to arrive...

Total: 8000 exp

Treasure Collected:

- 770 obols in red velvet bags (770 exp)
- A Confusion Bomb
- Blade Poison - Pain
- Bosnian Flag

- Heavy Armour

Total: 770 exp

Foes Defeated:

- The Anal Fisher (5 exp)
- A bunch of 2D redcaps (300 exp)
- A gang of ergotic crazies (250 exp)
- Two holy knights (200 exp)

- Imaginary Bosnian Achilles
- Potentially countless imaginary Turks

Total: 755 exp

Totals:

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 55444 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 4 Inheritor: 17017 (Level up at 18000)

Session 316 - Mirror Mirror

 Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- Damian ran away to join the circus... by which we mean the party. +1 to Reaction Rolls with outsiders, troupes, and other itinerants. 

Events:

--- Return of the Valkyries!

- The team enter a new zone. Damien is flanked by the rival strongmen Iskander and Swan the Swift. It's a Styx zone, so the area is built of shiny black glass and pixels. Near the end of the room is a chest with a thumbprint scanner. Standing at the end of the room are three anime characters. It's the Valkyries!
- This time the last survivor of the previous encounter is back! Kodai-chan, an ancient being with the body of a young girl, wielding a mighty bow and extendo-spear. With her are two new Valkyries. A man with a razor-edged shield and red hair, brash and bold, and a witch with a cauldron whose eyes are covered by her huge witch hat.
- Swan suggests a friendship, and after a bit of back-and-forth the Valkyries decide that this is probably a mini-boss chamber where they taunt the party and reappear later. The shieldman, Aka-san, stays behind to be the miniboss. The room is long and thin so obviously it's built for his strengths! The other two jump into the cauldron and away!

- Iskander strikes true, but discovers Aka-san's mastery of the Perfect Block! His attack pings away, while Swan prepares a counterattack. Damien glorps into a puddle and shloops around the fighters, attacking Aka-san from behind!
- Swan splits the shield in two with a sword-blow, and a cutscene occurs where Aka-san is allowed to leave for some reason with his wounded pride. The warrior dives into the cauldron, which crumbles to reveal a yellow rupee. 500 obols!

- The chest opens at a kick, revealing 900 more in rupees. Success!

--- Damnation Snels?!
- They continue through a couple of low-poly caves until they come to a last room. The exit to the next zone is probably beyond the archway in front of them... but a mysterious iPad-glass door to the right intrigues Swan when he hears a booming "I'm Damnation Snels! Peepeepoopoo!" coming from beyond it.
- Swan can't resist! He kicks the door down and enters a stagnant sewer zone. Filthy water runs down the middle of this long chamber. Standing in the crusty water is a big troll-like version of Damnation Snels, the puritan. His buckled hat is made of pure silver, and he roars "rarrrghhh I'm wrong about everything! Just obey me!" as he charges into battle!
- Swan and Iskander join the battle as one, striking at the big Snels as he attacks back with metaphorical claws and rhetorical teeth!

- After much glorious battle, and many cathartic references to former events, the beast is felled when Dorian cuts into his throat with wrist-spurs and Swan delivers the final blow. Snels is defeated. His silver hat, 300 obols, is taken.

--- Drunken Blob
- They leave the sewer and back out through the archway, entering a new zone. It's a Sir Robyn zone, and so opulently furnished in aging velvets and overstuffed plush cushions.
- In the middle of the room is a big snoring blob the colour of wine. In an alcove is a painted egg. Iskander goes for the egg and is hit by the blobby raccoon-hand of the blob as it rolls over in its slumber! The touch of the blob makes Iskander's armour slightly drunk, notching it.
- Swan tries for the egg and dodges the paw! He grabs it, finding it to be a painted tin egg worth 10 obols. Worth it...?

- He breaks the egg and inside is a little kinder surprise thing which contains a tiny phrasebook for raccoon and two other animal languages! Neat!

--- Sir Robyn!!
- There are drunken shouts from the next room, and they head through a bead curtain and find a drunk lawyer wizard lounging on a chaise-longue. It's Sir Robyn of course! He has a good supply of box wine and high-alcohol slavic beers.
- Snuggles and Scamps, his familiars, arrive with oven pizza. The party goes to leave, and Robyn asks them to bring him the scalps of any other Sir Robyns they see. He's multiversal, but dead in all of them eventually. Hopefully if he's the last Sir Robyn he will obtain Jet Li-like powers.

--- I'm Seein Double Here
- They head into the next area which is a nice vineyard that goes for miles, but with an obvious reduction in quality once it gets past the waist-high fence bounding the garden. Here is - and I rolled this random encounter completely legit - Sir Robyn on a chaise-longue!
- This is very convenient for scalp-related reasons, so they ask if they can trade their raccoon dictionary for his scalp. He's confused, but gets one of his raccoons over to see if it's got any jokes in it. The other raccoon gives him a can to manfully smash against his forehead... and it turns into a scalpel mid-flight, scalping this Sir Robyn!
- He survives for unkillable wizard reasons, but is in terrible pain! The party grabs the scalp and runs back to the previous room. Thanks for the assist, Scamps! Scamps, naturally, keeps the phrasebook and scampers away.

--- Wizard Beam
- The previous Sir Robyn is happy to see the scalp, and amazed that there was another one of him next door! He exchanges the scalp for a bottle of Jim Beam and heads out for a wizard duel against his double. The party go back to the blob room, avoiding wizard battles is good for the health.

- Swan sprays the blob with Jim Beam to distract it and the party slip out a side door. Successful escape!

--- Flesh Idol
- The next location is a special Gold room with its own map and everything.
- In the middle of a large chamber is a huge 10 foot flesh sculpture made of rotting animals and a woman acting as the head. It's yucky, but inanimate. Ominous.
- They check out some alcoves but only find offcuts from the flesh sculpture construction, crawling with red grubs. Best left alone.

--- Ratmen?
- Through the double doors at the end of the hall they hear muttered sounds, high pitched. Dorian knocks and a man wearing a giant rat skull on his face and a ratskin cloak answers! He thinks he's a ratman, but invites the party inside.

- He can't believe that the party got past the flesh golem, and definitely thinks he's a wererat. Swan rips off his rat mask and the dude thinks his whole face has been ripped off! He screams loudly!
- Swan dons his own wolfskin cloak, while Iskander rips off the rat cloak and makes the guy scream louder because he's clearly been skinned!
- After a scuffle in which the party is attacked by rusty blades and Swan throws some spare rat-cloaks over some of the "wererats", turning them in their minds into double-rats to visible confusion.

- After several of them are murdered the rest cower before the might of the Werewolf (Swan) and his horrible acolytes. They offer him stinking cottage cheese served from rat stomachs, apparently made from "ghoul milk" as an offering. It's genuinely horrible, and the "cracked black pepper" is rat droppings.
- Iskander finds a shard of crystal dragon core in the wererat's pile of filthy bedding. He's told by the cowering guys that it can be used to bend glyphs, like drakencultists could back before the end of the world.
- Swan's iron stomach is quite impressive as he chows down on the cheese. According to him you get used to it. The tunnels dug into the sides of the room are home to giant rats and ghouls, they've been digging them in an attempt to get around the very real flesh golem out there.
- There's another door out of here, leading into the Chequered Hall which has loads of tripwires that set things clattering to attract attention, used to catch giant rats by the "wererats" and also the ghouls. Go through there and you'll find a big chamber with a big magic mirror that shows the truth or possibly lies.

--- Mirror Mirror
- They head through the chequered hall, avoiding the traps they were warned about. It's fairly easy when you know they're there.
- They head up into the chamber they were told about... and the mirror shimmers with magic! Iskander and Dorian look away in time, but Swan sees the truth of the world. He's a huge flesh golem! And so are his compatriots!
- Iskander tries to destroy the mirror, but his mirror-self stabs him back! This mirror has some sort of magic!
- "Wererats" and "ghouls" arrive because they heard the commotion. The ghouls are simply women with the nails painted yellow, bringing up some disturbing implications on the origin of the "ghoul milk".
- Swan in his pain and confusion tries to punch a wererat, but it's immune to non-magical damage! The others see him pull his punch, somehow the magic-addled "flesh golem" knows he can't hurt wererats?

- The others back away, backs to the mirror, and we end the session on a classic cliffhanger, very confused...

Total: 10000 exp

Loot:
- 1400 obols in Zelda rupees (1400 exp)
- Silver puritan hat (300 exp)

- Painted egg (broken)

Total: 1700 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Aka-san the Valkyrie (250 exp)
- "Damnation Snels" (250 exp)
- Several false were-rats (40 exp)

Total: 540 exp

OOC:
tbc

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 61698 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 49324 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 4 Inheritor: 10797 (Level up at 18000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Mutation Cap! +1 Meat Point! +1 Backstory!

Session 312 - A Nice Sit-Down Meal

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

Events:

--- Butlers and Banquets
- Grand doors swing open and our blood-soaked heroes are greeted by a pair of beaming butlers! The butlers motion for the party to enter, saying that the banquet is ready and the host, Herr Normous, will be down to see them soon!
- It's a grand hall, somewhat gone to ruin, tiled with a blend of the different materials of the zones in this dungeon - black glass, velvet, meat, and so forth.

- Iskander is completely covered in blood so decides to have a wash at the nearby sink. Swan tests the taps, all attached to different types of tile, and finds one that just spews out blood. He drinks it! Celebus meanwhile finds a wine tap and guzzles a few mouthfuls.

- Ablutions sorta complete, they are led through to a dining room! There are enough seats for everyone other than the Extras who have catering off-screen. The guests themselves are the sort of insufferable couple-friends who have a lot of shared jokes and history that you're not really privy to.

- There is also a menu! A real life menu prop, how lovely. The dishes sound pretty tasty, but are they...?

--- Tasty Treats
- Onion soup is the first course and it looks pretty tasty. Iskander excuses himself to go find the toilet, while Amanta moves the soup around the bowl a bunch and pretends to eat it. The Extras try the soup (from the catering trolley of course) and have to save against it! They fail and feel sleepy.
- Celebus tries the next course - glazed pork. He gets a nasty tummy ache and takes CON damage! It was definitely tasty, but now he's got a hurty belly :(
- Amanta tries the third course - mushroom civet - and also fails her save! Everyone in the room can hear her thoughts now! How embarrassing for a dinner party!

--- If I May Be Excused
- Meanwhile, upstairs, Iskander has been on the hunt for a toilet for a little while now. His explorations take him past a rickety floor with loads of kitchen stuff piled in the middle and all the way up to Herr Normous' room! There's no proper toilet, but one of the meat tiles has got a gnashing mouth and well... let's just say that Iskander uses the facilities.

- Herr Normous himself is a huge hairy man, but seems quite friendly. He's just about ready now, so they head down to dinner together... or so Herr Normous thinks! Instead Iskander gambits, pushing Herr Normous onto the pile of kitchen equipment on the rickety floor and jumping so the whole thing falls through!
- They're falling together and about to take some fat falling damage but suddenly Swan the Swift is there! He catches Iskander and they look into each others' eyes for a second... before Iskander leaps from his arms with a strange "I would have been fine, silly" attitude. Fans of the popular Swanskander ship go wild.

--- Fine Young Cannibals

- But what's this? The guests are attacking! They were cannibals this whole time! Who could have known!
- Herr Normous stands up, battered from the fall, and yells at his cannibal guests to charge! It's feasting time! But then he immediately runs away and leaves his guests to it...
- Battle is joined, with the tiresome posho guests effectively wielding their knives and forks to stab at our heroes! It's all going fairly well, Didogenes using his newly acquired power fists to do AoE damage, until out of nowhere the the butlers return and one-two deck the shit out of Celebus! He emergency succs down a Last Breath and sends his minions - a zombie dog and a zombie anime girl - to defend him!
- Swan cleaves elegantly through some of the guests while Amanta gets another one with a mantis claw to the throat. It's a bloodbath... and the guests' morale fails! They flee, except for one who it turned out was faking the posh accent. He's actually Irish and named... Tommy O'Reilly.

--- I Mean... It Does Look Pretty Tasty Though
- With their foes defeated, it's time to take stock. And, well, that food does look pretty good... and there's got to be some upside to eating it right? It wouldn't just be regular poisoned would it?
- Celebus tries some of the pork that gave Amanta a projected telepathy, and actually passes the save! He can now read thoughts of those he's looking at! He reads the thoughts of his zombie minions and discovers that they are in constant agony, spiritual torment, craving an end to this unliving hell. "lol" says Celebus, "lmao".

- Iskander and Swan go upstairs to the kitchen together ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) to check out the next courses, and they're beset by a barrage of knives and spoons! The chefs are still up here! Iskander crits and murders every motherfucker in the room in an orgy of death. Most of it misses the food.
- Celebus continues eating the pork while Amanta and the Meat-Up head on up to Herr Normous' room to check it out. Amanta tries to pick the lock, but breaks it by accident. Bummer! Didogenes uses his doggo power fists to blast down the door instead. Much easier!

- Inside they find some chests with meat in them! Except at least one is alive! A meaty tendril swipes out and pulls an Extra into its gnashing maw! They leave instead of dealing with the meat monster. They've been dealing with too many meat-themed beasties recently anyway.

--- Amanta's Last Bite
- They all gather in the kitchen. Amanta is very very intrigued by the chocolate cake called "Le Marvellous". It's a towering chocolatey confection. Given the way the meals seemed to be getting weirder and more dangerous over time, the chocolate cake should be the most dangerous of all... and that means a good upside right?
- She can't help herself, she needs to try it! She takes a big bite, gobbles it down... and feels her insectoid stomach begin to liquefy. It's a deadly poison cake! She immediately drops to 0HP and gains 14 Trauma poison!

- It's a tense few moments as everyone throws everything they can at saving her life. It's not enough. Her carapace burns through from within, liquefying and dumping part-digested chocolate cake onto the floor as she scrabbles in her final death throes... and dies.

- Iskander, tears in his eyes, knocks back a glass of the pousse-café and almost immediately becomes extremely drunk. A fitting tribute. If they can get her body back out of this place, they'll hold a hell of a funeral.

Total: 7000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Herr Normous (250 exp)
- Many cannibal guests, butlers, and assorted chefs-de-partie (500 exp)
Total: 750 exp

Loot:
- Onion Soup
- Glazed "pork" loin
- Deadly chocolate cake

Total: 0 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler: Charles
- Expedition Leader: Kitty
- Paymaster: Tom
- Quartermaster: Ollie
- Vanguard: George

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 53568 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 50423 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 45581 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 45244 (Level up at 64000)

- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 4 Extras: 8540 (Level up at 14000)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!

Session 311 - Cyber Warfare

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
The Meat-Up has a new named character - Immanuel Kunt - an alchemist from beneath the earth who gave Didogenes the doge the potion that allowed him to speak in comic sans.

Events:

--- Shogun Styx
- The team are in a megadungeon, every surface the shiny black of a computer screen. The next area loads, and past it they see a large boxy room with three exits, all with a different themed Styx head icon on the wall next to it. Choosing between Robot, Cowboy and Shogun Styx, they go for the Shogun.

- The corridor bends, loading as they go, and reveals a room with a pagoda in the middle and faux bamboo decorating the walls. The Shogun Styx sitting in the pagoda has shaky metaverse hands and no legs, and he's wearing a nice moleskin cloak.
- Celebus tries to mine the cyber-walls for bitcoin and reveals a fat mole creature made of polygons! It leaps at him and tries to bite, but misses and clips through the floor. A white light under the surface shows where it is.
- Everyone tries to kill the mole, baiting it out by smashing the floor, but it's an utter shambles until Swan manages to catch the wriggly creature and start to gut it with his wiggly knife.
- The no-longer-Extras run over to finish the job, but Didogenes bites down too hard on his stabby pen and it shatters, sending shards stabbing everywhere! At least the mole died in the pensplosion.

- Those hurt start cramming some clean meat stomachs into their own stomachs, while the Shogun Styx throws the moleskin cloak over to the party as a reward. They can't get close to him due to the mandatory 1.5m personal space boundary, so they leave him to his metaverse contemplations.

--- Hax
- They continue exploring through the cyberworld, coming to a room set up like a LAN party. Six Styxes with different glowing stuff on are gaming, but at the party's approach they stand up and merge into a super-Styx!
- Swan murders him with a crit and the gang continues on.

--- New Zone same as the Old Zone

- The gimmick of this dungeon is that once you've completed a few rooms, you move up the snakes and ladders map and arrive at a new themed zone!
- They land on another Styx cyber-zone though.

- This one looks just like Charles' uni flat, complete with discarded pizza box, half-drank cans of Monster, sticky xbox controllers, the works.
- The kitchen off the living room has loads of dirty plates in the sink, and a mysterious submarine-style hatch where the washing machine should be. They see that it's dripping water and choose not to meddle...
- Swan the Swift is eating absolutely any old shit he finds lying about. Inconsistently cut Dominoes pizza leftovers are utterly annihilated by his gnashing teeth.

- The bathroom is filthy, but there's an out-of-place fire pit in the shower that's being used to smoke some meats.
- Outside they hear a sound... a Styx has returned! It sounds like he's got mates, and they wanna game!

--- Like and Subscribe
- There aren't any other ways out of the bathroom, so the party sheepishly emerges into the living room. The Styx in here is a gamer! And he's connected by shadowy tendrils to a whole lot of shadowy Styxes! They're his gamer buddies.
- While at first he's happy to play a competitive game on the Xbox to battle, he becomes enraged when the party suggest Mario Kart. Mario Kart is a Nintendo property, not Xbox! They're not true gamers!

- Battle is joined, and despite some initial poor descriptions making it sound like the shadowy Styxes can't be damaged, they absolutely can be!
- Swan accidentally stuns himself while Didogenes tears at the main gamer Styx, dealing a critical hit! Gamer Styx is forced to check morale, and Amanta has the ability to make a morale check fail once per session! Thoroughly pwned, Gamer Styx flees with his minions.

--- Shockingly Brutal Anime
- They continue on, out into the hall and on towards an elevator! It's definitely a boss battle elevator, the kind where the enemies jump down at you. There's a save point though, which Didogenes uses to re-summon the Extras! Back to full strength!
- The lift starts moving, the arbitrary knee-high barrier you're not allowed to jump over comes up, and the battle begins!
- Announcing themselves as The Valkyries, anime girls with ridiculous weapons show up! You've got your tsundere redhead with explosion fists, your oblivious-that-she's-attractive big-breasted blue haired girl with an extendo-spear, and of course a child with a massive bow who's 1000 years old so it's not creepy that she looks like a hot 12 year old.
- It's honestly not looking good for the party, these anime chicks are mad powerful. They take a lot of damage in the opening salvo, especially from lolicon girl's attack-back-if-missed bow attack.
- Celebus loses his trousers and underwear for some reason related to finding the 1000-year-old child attractive. This wasn't my doing, he said that himself unprompted.
- Swan kills the redhead... or so he thinks. In fact they use the Death Table to not die! Hurrah!
- It's absolute body horror as the poor girl has her bones snapped, guts gouged out, and is finally ripped to shreds by Didogenes in such a visceral explosion of gore that the two remaining Valkyries are stunned with the horror of it. Fuuuuuck.
- Amanta throws the child off the lift, where she presumably dies from the fall. Iskander knocks the blue-haired girl down to death tokens, where she starts to bleed to death before the blood-soaked Didogenes tears out her throat too. Unfortunately in her death throes she chucks the extendo-spear off the lift! Nightmare!

- Swan had been using the exploding fists, but realises since it's a Save-based area attack weapon it's better off in the hands of someone with much less BAB than him.
- Celebus raises the blue haired girl as a zombie. Such desecration.

--- Your Table is Right This Way
- With that, they roll the next zone... and land on this gimmick map's version of a snake! It turns out the lift was going down not up!
- They reach the bottom and see a blood trail leading off. The bow child survived... and it looks like she took the spear as well. Bollocks.

- They're in front of a set of double doors. They swing open, revealing a couple of butlers who say "ah, welcome, we were expecting you! The banquet awaits!"

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:
- Moleskin cloak (500 exp)

- 11 Premium Obols (110 exp)
- An Xbox 360 with only one good controller (200 exp)
- Valkyrie Fists of Blasting

Total: 810 exp

Murders:

- A cyber-mole (25 exp)
- OP Styx (50 exp)
- Gamer Styx and entourage (300 exp)
- The Valkyries (750 exp)
Total: 1125 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 51918 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 48773 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 43931 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 43594 (Level up at 64000)

- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 3 Extras: 6890 (Level up at 7000)

Session 310 - Onwards to the Dharga!

 Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- The Meat-Up, led by the philosopher-dog Didogenes, were joined by the master baker Archikneades. The dog betrayed him for sweet treats, but was too cute not to forgive. (+1 Con)

Events:

--- Preparations
- With the Bone Lord in control of Salivasburger and the Meat Lord ousted, it's time to decide where to go next!
- Poring over a real-life hex map approximately a decade old, they realise that there's a whole half of the map that's literally never been explored by any group of players since records began. Is that mushrooms? Some sort of pyramid? I realise that I'll have to go back and see what I wrote in some very old notes!
- So that's the plan. Some good old fashioned exploration into parts unknown, with only old pre-apocalypse maps to guide them. Fucking cool!

- But first they'll have to travel through the wreckage of the Dino-Dome. The Dharga is on the way - the enormous flesh-tree created from the unholy union of multiple ex-PCs - as well as the famous Mt Death Frost inhabited (we assume) by yet another ex-PC who got turned into a vampire.

- Swan and Iskander go halves on a horse while bickering and Celebus buys a meat-powered cart, equipped with multiple millipede legs to help it cross rough terrain. They stock it with travel necessities. The weather isn't as deadly as before, but it's still weird and wild so sitting in a protective wagon is very recommended!
- Before they leave they meet a surprise character! It's Julgoor, and he's discovered a way to fast travel! Considering the exploration plans, this couldn't come at a better time! Since he's a Greed Demon specialising in commerce, the catch is that he can only set up his shop (and thus a fast travel node) in a location that contains capitalism... ie. a town. The other catch is you have to go through the Gardens of Ynn, so it's not necessarily safe.

--- On the Road Again
- They roll (scurry?) off into the meaty wastes, aiming for the Dharga. Insects buzz, biting at the flesh of the meatlands and flitting around the horses. It's a low humid heat, making the ground slick with sweat.
- Soon they're passing by the lake that used to flow out from within the Dino-Dome. It's cloudy with blood, like milk poured into tea, and something snakelike is squirming beneath. They skirt around, leaving well enough alone, and come to the ruins of Enoch.
- The houses are in disrepair and part-covered in lumpy tumours. They weren't the best built hovels at the best of times, and the Meatlands have not been kind. There is, however, a hissing sound like static... as of a radio tuned to the wrong channel.

--- Stomach Ache
- Intrigued, the gang dismount and pick their way through the overgrown village. There are strange lo-glopping noises, probably something to do with the meat growths...
- Celebus heads directly to the town's main square whilst the others are more cautious, circling around and picking their way through the side streets.
- There is a sound like a bunch of bags of mince falling off a shelf behind Celebus. He turns and... there's a crowd of ten small stomachs flopping towards him! They came from the roof!
- They flop and jump at him, surprisingly quick, and he starts stabbing! They open up and he sees that they've even got teeth!
- The rest of the team show up and make short work of the stomach swarm. What was that about?
- A small cry of "our children!" comes from another rooftop. Those were baby stomachs! Swarms of angry stomachs the size of a full-sized stomachs flop and flubble into battle!
- Celebus remembers that he's got zombie dog minions, and casts Death Rattle! The awful howl stuns or staggers the swarms of stomachs... but does the same to Celebus' compatriots! Friendly fire is on!
- The party set to stabbing the gnashing maws! Their stomach acid attacks melt armour, to Iskander's chagrin. Swan laughs a Barbarian laugh at his need for armour, but since he's surrounded by hungry bellies he tries to grab one and melt through the wall of a house for cover. It goes half-right, and he falls backwards into the house with stomachs gnashing at him!

- The stomach forces are whittled down by cleaves, multi-attacks, and some bread-based attacks from Archikneades, until the final few are alive...
- There's an aerial shot of the battlefield, slowly moving to reveal the extent of the destruction. There are two left. A stomach tries to stuff its guts back into its battered body. Another kisses a locket of its lady love and a single tear rolls down its cheek. A wailing chorus for a soundtrack. It's a massacre.

- Swan steps out of the wreckage and kills the final cowering stomachs. The party celebrate their victory! 

--- Message to All Survivors
- With the stomachs collectively disgorged, it's time to check out this mysterious static sound. It's coming from the house that Swan previously acid-burned through the wall of, and inside they find a flat screen TV overgrown with strips of flaky skin.
- On the TV is a repeating message from Julgoor! But he looks much different to the one they previously saw over in Salivasburger. His gold mask is tarnished and his body is thin and reedy. He tells any survivors who find this to head over to Neo Spacedin, that's where the people from Enoch have fled to.

- Before heading out the party loots the local area. Turns out a fair few of the stomachs contain, against the odds, valuable Clean Meat. There's also a vial of poison, a vial of holy water, and a handful of valuable trinkets left behind by the former residents!
- They take the TV to upgrade the wagon and replace it with a sign with directions to Neo Spacedin. In-cart entertainment! It only seems to play reruns presented by some sort of rastafarian moon banana.

--- Nosferatu
- They head for the enormous flesh-tree Dharga, crossing the shattered line of sharp diamond shards that used to make up the Dino-Dome and continuing to the gently rising flank of the tree. What looked like insects are, it turns out, some sort of winged bat-people!
- They start to circumnavigate the turgid trunk of the Dharga, seeing a large raccoon skulking about in the tree limbs high above.
- They run into some intelligent life! It's a lady dressed in armour made from cured bacon, and a nosferatu-looking vampire motherfucker. Despite initial appearances, the vampire is kind of pathetic and dependent on the womans' blood. Turns out the vampires who started drinking blood straight from the Dharga mutated into these things. It is still broad daylight though, so they've lost one weakness even if it makes their eyes water.
- She tells them that there's an entrance to the Dharga nearby! It seems that this is some sort of megadungeon! The party thank her and move on.

--- Red Slime
- Before finding the entrance they spot an enormous lump of red jelly attached to the side of the tree. It's moving along the tree, finding wounds, and healing them!
- This is far too intriguing for the Meat-Up, who collectively decide to throw themselves at the jelly and see what happens. In fact it talks to them! They ask nicely to be healed and, with a stroke of a big gloopy tendril... they are!
- Unfortunately they also develop a mysterious red rash. Hmm...
- They find the entrance to the tree. It's a long corridor snaking its way in, but the walls are rings of black shimmery crystal, oozing flesh, and even velvet.

--- Cyber-Styx Action
- The path in shifts and cracks as they walk, clearly entailing the physical effects of this dungeon where the gimmick is that it generates on the fly!
- They reach the first area - a large room made from the black glassy material. There is a door with a big 13 on it, and another with a big handprint on it, and importantly 4 data-projection goblins messing around with a statue on the far side of the room.
- The Meat-Up go up to ask about the door with a number 13 on it... and are attacked! The goblin-projections cackle, manifesting black shard swords to attack with! Also they're horrible internet troll guys who laugh at you and tell you to git gud.
- Iskander cleaves in with all his might, while Amanta skirts around and investigates the statue. It's wearing a cloak, and when she puts it on she realises that it billows out in a really cool way and makes you look sick as hell!
- The Meat-Up keep getting savaged by the goblins, and each time one of the background Extras dies their red rash pulses and their head explodes. Ah..
- Soon the reach 0 HP and both Didogenes and Archikneades realise that they're the last ones left!
- Didogenes is now a Fighter until the Extras can be reformed, with his loyal master baker companion. If one of them dies, the Extras will be no more...
- Luckily the goblins are almost all dead. Swan shanks the last one and drags it over to the hand door, slamming the goblin's hand onto the scanner and opening the door!

- The room ahead ripples with pixels as the room is generated before their very eyes, but it's late so we end on a cliffhanger!

Total: 8000 exp

Loot:
- 36 Clean Meat (36 exp)
- Vial of Poison
- Vial of Holy Water
- 1000sp of trinkets (1000 exp)
Total: 1036 exp

Foes Defeated:
- Many swarms of toothed stomachs (200 exp)

- Four trolling goblins (100 exp)
Total: 300 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Quartermaster & Art Attack - Ollie

- Vanguard - Tom

- Chef - George

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 50031 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 45886 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 42044 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 41707 (Level up at 64000)

- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 3 Extras: 5003 (Level up at 7000)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!