Session 256 - The Great Devourer

One heckin' big surprise of a session! Dargo becomes a new God! The Styxmind is imprisoned! On top of that, check this out. Tim made the joke that "all are one in the Dharga", riffing on the Dharma. And then I absolutely cannot believe this - a Dargah is already a thing! So good!

In other news the rest are finally out of the Dino-Dome and into the teeth of winter. Good times! I'm going to be adding Dhargism into the religious canon if anybody wants to follow a flesh god that will seed the world with new life. Thanks to Timothy who wrote the whole Darghism religion out (I only changed a couple of observances I swear). You can find that here - Darghism.

Right, less than half an hour to the session. I'd better send this out!

Session 256 - The Great Devourer

Date:

February. 15 years after the End.

Character List:

- Andromeda, Andromedan Vampire / Kitty
- Ratman, Ratman / Izzy
- Nobody, Barbarian / George

New Characters:
- Jeremy Wizard, indome last-lifer who was a not-great plague doctor in one of the simulations. Owes a small fortune in premium mobile gems to “student loans”, allegedly.
- Drake Blackthorn, doctor and scientist who is certainly not from student loans.

New Backstory:
- Nobody was the leader of a gang - Nobody’s Heroes. They all emulated Nobody’s style and vaguely villainous demeanour. Give an order to someone once per round, if they follow your order they get +1 to their roll to do it.

Foes:

- Styxmind Incarnate (1500 exp)
- Raccobyn Fusion Finale (1500 exp)
Total: 3000 exp

Loot:
- 135 Giganotosaurus steaks (135 exp)
Total: 135 exp

Events:

--- Meat Feast
- We begin where we left off - at the massive corpse of the recently killed Giganotosaurus. The party is busily chopping it up for meat. Dargo even tears off a whole haunch! They pile the lot into their wagons and roll off following the treeline, the weather a light drizzle.
- In time they reach the side of the great diamond dome itself. There is a great crack in the side and shattered angel corpses scattered around. Clearly the place that the Lady breached the dome in her massive Seraphim. Also here is confused new party member Jeremy Wizard.
- Weapons are scratch-built from the sharp diamond shards and pieces of angels. Red gives him one of the new diamond swords so he’s got something to stab with, making sure he knows not to attack her dino-kids.

- They continue into the jungle, following the side of the dome and hacking their way through the dense foliage. It’s slow going, but they keep on keeping on.

- An hour or so into the jungle they realise that they’re being stalked by big felids of some kind. Nobody chucks chunks of dino-meat into the jungle to distract them and the beasts run off into the woods to feast. Safe!
- They break through the jungle and into scrubland as evening falls, camping out and eating chunks of giganotosaurus.

--- Sad Robot
- The morning brings intense humidity. Those in the air-conditioned cancer armour are protected, of course. Red hears a mechanical sobbing sound as they head off, and investigates to find a strange cylindrical robot carving wooden graves for some dismembered people. While initially cautious, it calls itself either “Boris” or “Microsoft Bob” depending on how well it knows you.
- After a bit of chat they discover that it’s a he, and he is a custodian-class robot built to keep the dome intact. He failed, obviously.
- He knows exactly where the exit from the dome is and leads them straight there, robot and wagons rumbling over the wrinkled scrubland through the oppressive heat.

--- Dargo Unchained

- They reach the exit and Boris the Robot interfaces with the exit. The door hisses open… and Red’s backstory bullshit activates! Smoke billows out revealing a small green shape flanked by smaller beasts. “Oh hi Red!” says Sir Robyn in a squeaky goblin voice.
- They briefly discuss Sir Robyn’s relationship with Red, how he’s dead in every timeline but totally not, and how Styx is his enemy. Red kicks off her big plan - call down Styx to fight Sir Robyn! She turns her gun on her father and calls Styx on her earpiece. There’s a green flash from above, an impact on the ground nearby, and a green bulb blooms into a wide flower with a figure meditating in the centre. It has green skin, and many many arms, and many many faces. The Styxmind is here!
- The party attacks the Styxmind! Ratman sends in a suicide wave of grenade-rats! Red throws Lonely Blade who emerges from the weapon with eight swords in his eight limbs! The others blast in with whatever they have to hand! The Styxmind is blown to shreds in a shower of light and flame!
- There’s a beat as the smoke clears… and vegetation from the local area is swarming into the blast zone, building into the Styxmind again and then continuing, growing, exploding upwards to create a massive vegetable avatar!
- Sir Robyn’s raccoons shoot their master in the head then high-five and combine with the corpse, erupting up into a massive raccoon monster. Law Itself versus Chaos Incarnate! But which is which??

- They clash in a titanic struggle! Dargo tells the others to GO and turns towards the battle. He draws on the power of Shub-Niggurath - dormant within him - and grows massive himself! It is the nature of Dargo to CONSUME.

- In the maelstrom the rest of the party, with the help of Andromeda’s void powers, chucks everything from the wagons onto the conveyor belt out and bail! All they can hear outside of the long tunnel out of this place is a great rumbling. A fleshy root bursts from the ceiling. The emergency lights flicker. Something screams in a thousand tongues.

- Outside, the Styxmind is pushed back by the Raccoon kaiju. The Styxmind tries to counter, its hundred arms wielding a hundred weapons whirling, and fleshy roots erupt from the earth and trap it in a cage of meat! The Styxmind rages as the earth churns around it, burying it beneath the swollen bulk of a hideous flesh-tree growing miles high. A corpulent Yggdrasil to forever imprison the Styxhoggr who gnaws and is gnawed by the root of the world.

- The Dargo-Tree grows high and fat, great cysts and organs and lymph and pus sweating from its pulsing flesh. Great bony claws crack the sky, piercing the diamond dome and spreading through, black blood and bile spraying into the cold air beyond and slopping down the dome’s sides.

- It is a new God. A dread God. A Tree of Life. An unholy Yggdrasil. Forbidden flesh and succulent fruit. Corruption and Creation. A God unbound by the rule of Law.
- All Hail Dargo - God of Life.

--- Winter Snow
- When they emerge from the conveyor belt, dumped unceremoniously into the snow amongst barrels and barrels of rations, they find everything is oddly silent. Suddenly thrust from humid heat into a bitter blizzard, they have a moment to recover from the storm of deific power they just witnessed.
- They are on the shore of a frozen lake. Shattered-glass sounds crinkle from far above as the new God spreads its limbs. A sign points them onwards though, and under the circumstances they decide to follow. It leads through to a well-made by uninspiring hut full of beds, chests, and tutorial signs. It’s the tutorial hut that the people of Enoch built for new starters coming out of Fate!
- After four days there is an ominous knock at the door! A gravelly voice intones that the blizzard is over. Jeremy hides in fear of student loans. Red immediately tries to make friends. This is new character Drake Blackthorn, scientist and doctor.

--- Enoch Bound
- They head off to Enoch through flurries of snow, soon coming to a cold old lady under a terrible lean-to. She’s freezing, but apparently has to be here to welcome new survivors now that everyone’s on their last life. Now that it’s their last life, the no-longer-immortal population regret making all the wizards with their “cheats” head off to Ai to the north.
- She guides them to the one big warm hall in Enoch, telling them there’s lots of food there. Pearl is within, and she’s stoked to see everyone! There is legitimately lots of food, but it’s all protein bars and jars of bland grey powder. It’s mostly real, but a quick toke of weed reveals the truth - it’s all a bit more shit than it seems. Not so many fires, not so much light, nothing to spice up the bland meals. At least it’s not a classic “food that isn’t really food” trick!
- Pearl chats a while, granting everyone rad illusory clothes so they feel fancy. She’s desperate to give these people something that’s not their dwindling iron rations, and thankfully the party can provide! Giganotosaurus meat for all!
- As they feast, Pearl tells the party the situation as she knows it in New Moondin. The town itself was taken over by a Seraphim, but there’s a resistance movement to take it back centred on Pearl’s one-time ally Singular Thay. She’s not been back there for a while since she’s been looking after Enoch, so that’s all she knows...

Total: 5000 exp

Team Bonus:

- Absolutely Disgusting bonus
- Ace Attorney bonus
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Better Part of Valour bonus
- Classic Charles bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Escape bonus
- Fame bonus
- Freudian bonus
- Heresy bonus
- Holy bonus
- Leave a God Behind bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Monster Infighting bonus
- Next to Godliness bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Schindler’s bonus
- Vore bonus
- What The Fuck Guys bonus

Total: 1100 exp

Individual Bonus:

- Chronicler (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (George / Nobody - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Izzy / Ratman - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Timothy / Red - 100 exp)

- Vanguard (Russell / Drake Blackthorn - 100 exp)
- Triage (Timothy / Red - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / Nobody - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Izzy, Kitty, Timothy*2 - 500 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Timothy, Izzy - 100 exp)
- Attacco d’Arte bonus (Timothy - 100 exp)
- Good End bonus (Russell - 500 exp)
- Noble Sacrifice bonus (Russell - 1000 exp)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 7 Andromedan Vampire: 138284 (Level up at 144000)

- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 75961 (Level up at 128000)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 7 Ratman: 65660 (Level up at 96000)
- Russell / Dargo, Level 6 Inheritor
*ASCENSION TO GODHOOD*

- George / Nobody, Level 6 Barbarian: 33022 (Level up at 64000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +2 Barbarian Rolls! +Backstory!

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 5 Magic-User: 22940 (Level up at 36000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Russell / Drake Blackthorn, Level 3 Specialist: 3140 (Level up at 6000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!  

Session 253 - We’re Not Here to Fuck Microwaves

Session 253 - We’re Not Here to Fuck Microwaves

Date:

December. 15 years after the End.

Character List:

- Andromeda, Andromedan Vampire / Kitty

- DJ, Intergalacticist Cleric / Charles

- Red, Duellist Fighter / Timothy
- Zulu Snakebite, Barbarian / Ollie
- Dargo, Inheritor / Russell
- Luna, Vampire / Johnathon
- Ratman, Ratman / Izzy

Foes:

- Disabled UFO weapons (1000 exp)
- “Disabled” a squad of space marines (500 exp)
Total: 1500 exp

Events:

--- Aftermath
- In the aftermath of the battle, Dargo digests the corpse of the powerful Barbarian woman to go along with her pet dinosaur. Together forever inside his bulk. Lovely.
- Zulu is discovered to be gone, having flown off on her antelope sleigh to deal with her Santa Claus duties. Luckily Beepbox has turned up! He quickly gets to work repairing one of the drones, speaking to it with his Styxian miracle, while Dargo hefts the rest in a big box onto his shoulder.
- The drone explains how it gained sentience after the humans messed around with the clocks, and flies up to scout. It tells Beepbox that it can see a stegosaurus in one direction, a strange goop in another, and of course the crashed UFO down the crash trail.

- Evil Rumours
- It’s decided to rest up and recuperate, several people got pretty hurt and the Clerics are low on miracles. After avoiding such perils as giant ants with the help of Beepbox’s drone friend, they arrive back at the campsite… only to discover that someone has discovered it first!
- There are bodies scattered around the place, open tents, and scattered equipment. Andromeda flicks through her vision modes and sees that there’s a man hiding in one of the tents!
- She bursts in and accosts him and the guy flails for his spear! He pleads for his life, and says he’s hiding from a glowing dinosaur with a gun! After a little more interrogation, Andromeda drains his blood and Dargo consumes him for information. They don’t believe the gun dinosaur story.
- Despite being unable to consume it, Andromeda offers to cook. DJ and the Ratman head out to forage and find nothing but some suspicious berries. Thankfully when they return they find that Andromeda’s cooking up a delicious dish - T-Rex steak on a bed of moss, with an optional compote of diarrhoea berries.

--- Evil Dinosaur
- The others sleep while the vampires Andromeda and Luna stay up talking about goth bands. As the night draws on, they see a red glow slipping through the trees…
- Andromeda turns into bat form and flies over to investigate, finding a man-high theropod with a glowing red gem in its chest! It seems to see her, and while she pretends to be a bat it extends shadowy tendrils and begins to climb the tree towards her…
- She bugs out, flying back to the camp and readying herself for battle! They decide not to wake up the others and thankfully the creature doesn’t follow. Phew!

--- Roll Out

- Refreshed after the night’s sleep, the party wake up into a humid morning that only threatens to get stickier as the day moves on.
- They discuss whether they’re going to be using the cool but radioactive space armour. The answer - who cares if they’ll get cancer in 30 years? Nobody’s living that long anyway! Everyone dons the space armour other than Dargo, who is simply too massive to be contained in such a small suit, and Beepbox who integrates a jump pack into his existing armour.
- It’s time to head to the UFO proper geared up with alien tech! On the way some buff dinosaurs are distracted by DJ plastering a screaming face to a termite mound.

--- Another Warzone!
- They follow the drone towards the UFO, hearing gunfire and seeing occasional energy-mortars falling from the sky. The drone diverts them slightly, bringing them to a bunch of Mod Cons pinned down behind a low rise. Between them and the UFO is a No Man’s Land littered with dead people and appliances!
- Beepbox gets the appliances to hold fire by talking to their washing machine commander, and DJ begins a brave assault on the enemy human forces! He jump-packs across the battlefield, stands atop the ridge, and blows a wave of classic chill-wave over the fighters. Everyone chills the fuck out, but DJ is framed atop the ridge and vulnerable to UFO turret-fire!
- Beepbox throws his foam gun to Andromeda and she warps over to the UFO with her void pet, foaming up one of the gun turrets. Dargo draws fire, grabbing a big boulder from the battlefield and defending Luna with it. DJ casts Abduct on a midair energy mortar… sending it hovering upwards and out of danger while Andromeda foams up the mortar itself!

- Red takes out the final gun, and DJ goes into the chill field to try to make peace with the woman whose armour he stole before. She’s having none of it, and the vibe begins to get weird…
- There’s nothing for it, he’s got to use his final option - Incite Orgy! A wave of lust emanates, pulling in pretty much everybody from around the battlefield, including the charging appliances…

--- Fuck Machines
- Red stares into the orgy zone with innocent fascination. Every time she looks away she forgets what she just saw, then when she looks back it’s the orgy again. Very strange. She even forgets what Dargo is doing with his tentacles.

- After a while she gets bored and checks out the UFO, soon finding a door. She bangs on the door until a man begrudingly answers. He’s a bit of a silver fox and he’s called George because I made up a name on the spot and apparently just say the names of absent players when they’re not there.

- Red spends the next half hour annoying people and generally being unseduced by George’s obvious seduction attempts. Most of the people in the ship are watching the screens, fascinated by the orgy outside.
- Eventually the orgy ends. The fighting is over now, they literally made love not war! They put their clothes back on, and making occasional awkward grins at each other and patting exhausted microwaves and automatic whisks. The washing machine commander puts himself on a strong rinse cycle.
- DJ’s lover, who says her name is Alice, staggers bow-legged over to the UFO and opens the door, letting everyone inside. The people within are confused, they were totally just watching something on the screens… but what? And why is everyone staggering to grab glasses of water and slices of pizza? Why is there a queue for the toilets? And why, most of all, does everyone seem to be friends with the Mod Cons now?

- Whatever the reason, it seems that the space marines and appliances are now at peace!

Total: 6000 exp

Team Bonus:

- Antagonist Appeaser bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Coitus boners
- Classic Charles bonus
- Diplomancy bonus
- Fame bonus
- Freudian bonus
- High as Fuck bonus
- Holy bonus
- Long Deliberation bonus
- Mad Inventor bonus
- Masterchef bonus
- Monster “Infighting” bonus
- Noblebright bonus
- Pitched Battle bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Tentacle Molestation bonus

Total: 850 exp

Individual Bonus:

- Chronicler (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Izzy / Ratman - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Charles / DJ - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Ollie / Zulu - 100 exp)

- Vanguard (Russell / Dargo - 100 exp)
- Chef (Jonathon / Luna - 100 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles, Red - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Kitty, Ollie, Izzy - 500 exp ea.)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 7 Andromedan Vampire: 103262 (Level up at 144000)

- Charles / Dustin Johnson, Level 7 Intergalacticist Cleric: 102365 (Level up at 112000)

- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 71862 (Level up at 128000)

- Russell / Dargo, Level 6 Inheritor: 65716 (Level up at 72000)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 6 Ratman: 34938 (Level up at 48000)

- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 4 Cleric of the New Eden: 12655 (Level up at 14000)

- Jonathon / Luna, Level 2 Vampire Thrall: 3136 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1 HP! +Backstory!