Session 441 - Perfectly Lovely People

Date: 03 February 1626

Zenith Deity: Alaunus
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Dragon Face

Revealed Backstory:

- Hidra had a bout of road rage back when he was a road warrior and tore towards a battered war rig. He noticed the ambush just in time and veered off before the hidden rigs could fang it from the woods. +1 to Awareness.

- Havarti was used as a honeypot-ant by the denizens of the Veins, feeding her up to slaughter in case of lean times. +2 to heal when eating.

Events:

--- Dungeon Clear?

- Awakening in the mouth of the Christmas Cave, our heroes discuss their next steps.
- They've attained great treasures... but there was definitely another way further in and, even worse, hints at a deeper Santa Claus meaning. Do they return?

- They decide to return.

- They enter through the tiny door and head towards the floor puzzle they've already solved twice. Levers are pulled, stone grinds against stone. The door forward grinds open.

- Laughing faces glow in the dark. Tall christmas elves step forth, icicle swords in their hands. Small elves with snowballs take the rear.

- Surprisingly they are willing to talk to Hidra, who holds the "Hope Shard" of Santa Claus. They state that he should never go close to the Doom Shard of Santa Claus that is bound in the lowest depths.

--- Forth 

- After much persuasion, the elves let our heroes through, but say that they will be waiting to destroy the party if they awaken the Doom Shard. They openly take up defensive positions.
- The way beyond has ancient warriors upon plinths. Downing invisibility potions allows the party to investigate side doors. In one, skeletons wielding wreaths. In another, undead whiling away the time playing cards and reading books.

- They move on into a room which is clearly a boss room. An enormous throne squats before steps that lead up to a fountain of blood. Upon the throne is a great and monstrous creature,

---The Doom Shard

- Sulphur, invisible, sneaks into the dark and salty throne room. He heads for the blood fountain, dips a finger, and touches it to his tongue. His organs wiggle ominously. The figure on the throne stirs and asks "who sups?"

- Sulphur sneaks around to the opposite side of the throne, avoiding the sluggy eyestalks that glance around behind the throne.

- Ghost Snels stalks forward proudly and in the light of his fiery head sees the shape of the throne creature, more sea-life than man. His beard is grasping suckered tentacles, his feet are a great and terrible urchin. One hand is a huge crushing crab claw, the other is a lithe and living eel. In his chest is an enormous clam.

- Our heroes are used to appraising treasure. The pearl in his chest is worth tens of thousands of obols. Scraggly pines either side of the throne are hung with gems that glimmer like fairy lights.

- Snels talks to the being, who is the First Santa. The apocalyptic gifts of the deep were his, bestowed from the depths by a dread subnautical God. He remains here to contain the worst evils of the deeps, and gave the good gift-giving parts of it to his son who combined with the dark gifts of Mrs Claus and became the first Father Christmas.
- He contains the Doom Shard of Santa, and is scared that he will die and allow it to recombine with the Hope Shard of Santa Claus. If this happens, the frog monsters will rise up and drown the world entirely!

--- Slurp

- Ghost Snels considers this and walks past the awful figure, supping deep of the mulled blood fountain and gaining laser eyes that light fires with a glance.

- Havarti approaches the fountain, takes up a drinking horn, and sups deep of the wine from the Mulled Dimension. Her hand warps into a biomechanical gun!

- Sulphur takes this all as a good sign, drinks deep, and becomes... THE SUN!

- Every time he is in sunlight he shall absorb solar energy until he detonates in a fission reaction that will devastate everything above ground level in several miles. Until then, his bone glow brightly through his skin.

--- Perfectly Acceptable Conclusion

- Recognising that killing the sea-man for his giant pearl is a clear apocalypse enabler, they decide to leave.

- On the way out, the tall elves are very relieved that they didn't kill the Doom Shard of Santa. That would have been bad!

- They leave the cave complex and decide where to go. They could go to "Whence", aka the previous location before the Christmas Special, or check out the mysteriously/ominously/enticingly named "Daddy's Farm".

- Daddy's Farm it is!

--- An Ominously Lovely Time

- The route to Daddy's farm takes them along a frozen stream towards an area covered with a mild winter. Laughter trickles from a ruined tower. They call out, and a young girl runs down, fascinated by visitors. She tells them of her dad who owns Klausson's Farm just down the way, then runs off towards it followed by her enormous yet playful wolf.

- Suspicion sets in, yet the party follow.

- Havarti takes a detour on the way to the farmhouse, sneaking into the barn. She sees a large son, pet pigs, a horse, and not much else. 

--- An Ominously Lovely Dinner

- It's a no shoes indoors kind of place, so Hidra isn't allowed in.

- The family inside seem perfectly lovely, and say that they often have visitors around this time due to a preponderance of Christmas Specials amongst various groups of heroes.

- Everything is just a little bit off. The teenager keeps his knives sharp (for cooking). The girl child is great at setting traps (for the enormous penguins around here). The mother shuffles strangely when she's away from the sink. The dad is happy and friendly (ominous).

- Upstairs, Ghost Snels have been shown the guest room and the enormous locks that keep the doors shut. Can't be too careful, says the girl child. Sometimes we have guests from settings where werewolves and such are common.

--- An Ominously Locked Door

- Havarti decides that she'll sleep with her hyena next to the huge wolf in the stables. 

- Sulphur, inspecting the guest rooms with Ghost Snels, finds a full-sized penguin suit in a wardrobe and seizes it immediately.

- The bell rings, and all must go downstairs for tea. In the end it's just Sulphur seated at the table because everyone else is sleeping in the barn or Ghost Snels "meditating religiously" upstairs.
- Hidra has his head through a window as the food is served. It's a delicious Penguin Stew, no human meat in there at all. 

- The large son walks in, late for dinner. Just before he left he told Havarti that guests are forbidden to open the locked doors in the farmhouse, and please do not mention the name Mrs Claus in front of his mother.

- We smash cut to Ghost Snels. He's picking an unknown lock that leads to the attic. He hears a low growl...

Total: 9000 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)

- George the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Ollie the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals: 

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 66663 (Level up at 72000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 6 Fighter: 39464 (Level up at 64000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 6 Denialist Cleric: 37464 (Level up at 72000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +Faith! +Healing Pool! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 5 Halfling: 22698 (Level up at 32000)

Session 440 - Frogs with Freakin' Octopuses in Their Mouths

Date: 20 January 1626

Zenith Deity: The Scorned
Moon Phase: New Moon
Moon Face: Dragon Face

New Backstory:

- Nieval the Good had perfectly planned the conversion of an entire village to the Quizlist faith, getting them each to touch a Marlingspike as it surged with rainbow energies. They were all taken, body and soul, into wherever one goes when they touch a spike. Task failed successfully. +2 AC and Saves for 10 minutes when a plan goes awry.

- Havarti Honeybun was horribly lost in the Veins of the Earth when... lo! A party of friendly strangers took her in! Once per session, cause a helpful stranger to somehow appear.

Events:

--- Into the Hidden Passage

- Well-rested and well-fed, our heroes enter the cave once more. They head swiftly for the pentagram puzzle room and discover that it's reset in their absence! It's quick work with the levers to reopen the way.

- Ghost Snels tears the golden statuette of Santa-if-he-had-tentacles-for-a-beard into 6 pieces, his fingers digging into its strangely fleshy surface. The revealed inner surfaces drip with salt water. Everyone gets a piece, how lovely!

- They ensure that the way out is accessible even if the door closes (smart) and head down the stairs beyond. The bas reliefs go from old timey pre-Christian winter motifs to an undersea theme. Seaweed, deep sea fish, things that squirm and writhe.

- Ahead, an archway to the next room. To the side, a big round metal door is rimed with ice. If it wasn't iced over you'd be able to sort of roll it aside into the wall cavity. Sulphur gets to work with the fire rune on his weapon, melting it away.

--- Spike-Bellied Revenants

- Hidra investigates the dark way forward. Eyes glow blue-white and a voice groans out something in Old Norse. Luckily almost everyone speaks Old Norse for some reason - maybe it's just standard schooling here? - and they understand its meaning - "Merry Solstice!"

- The beings come forward into the light. They are zombies of some sort, tight skin stretched over old bone, and spikes protrude from their bellies like they swallowed a ball of spines. A sixth one follows and walks over to Hidra, it's his weekly free zombie!

- Hidra strikes one with the Black Blade of the Dardanelles to see if the belly thing is a separate entity to the revenant, and VWOMP! The whole guy disappears! Clearly one entity by the sword's reckoning.

- This angers the revenants! Hidra tries to kick the spikes out of one's belly, fails, and after a series of 1s and 20s it works! The body explodes into ice and leaves the spiky thing - a sea urchin - on the floor. Hidra punts the urchin into another revenant to give it competition!

- The others run in, Havarti dropping from her ghost-eater hyena on the ceiling, the others swarming in behind.

- Nostradama smites a zombie with holy power. Ghost Snels cracks his great whip. Sulphur abandons the door-unfreezing quest to attack them too.

- Several urchins hit the floor, crackle... and EXPLODE! The party is blown back by the sea mine sea urchin explosion.

- Havarti invokes her backstory and wishes for a helpful stranger to emerge.
- A dark figure with a black dagger appears in the shadows of the archway. It gestures, and the remaining revenants follow it into the gloom.

--- I Don't Like Em Putting Chemicals in the Water

- Sulphur melts away the last of the ice and sees that there are handprints sunk into the metal to help you roll it. The only weird thing? The hands are webbed...
- War stories and legends of old are told to those who know not of the accursed Frog Monsters.

- They go through and find a collapsed tunnel forward which will take time to clear. Everything is moist.

- In clearing the rubble, they find the corpse of a small person dressed as a christmas elf. Hidra takes its bells.

- The route, now clear, slopes downwards. They follow and come to a side tunnel that leads to a big pool of algae-covered water. Ghost Snels dips his hands in to gather some delicious algae and... SSSSSSS! It's actually acid!

- Ghost Snels and Nieval poke around in the acid with a pole and recover a couple of books from the bottom of the pool, written on thin leaves of stone. They are Book #180 "Other Histories" and Book #182 "The Brass Hell". Nieval is excited about the latter until Ghost Snels informs him that it's just the name for the megadungeon under/inside Fortress-City Fate.

- Havarti draws a Repel Water rune and repels the acid away, allowing them to collect some of the acidophilic algae for testing purposes.

--- Can't Take You Anywhere

- They go back into the sloping tunnel and find the end. A pitch black pool. A huge gnarled and rusty iron circle on the back wall, thankfully unpowered. In the centre of the pool, a plinth upon which a golden statue squats hideously.
- Havarti rides her ghost-eating hyena up the walls until they dangle over the statue. She uncoils a rope, ties it to the harness, and starts to lower herself down.

- Sulphur reaches down to test the black liquid and discovers that it is oil.
- GRAAAERGGGHH!
- Sulphur sees the frog monster leap from the water just in time! He steps back, grabs a handful of teeth from the pouch at his waist, and punches it straight down the frog monster's throat!

- It detonates, tearing the frog to shreds! An octopus floats out of its ruined corpse.

- Simultaneously, Havarti has grabbed the idol. There is a clunk. Everyone goes "ah..."

- Holes in the ceiling drop fiery debris, igniting the oil in a great WHOOOOSH of heat! Havarti is on fire! Sulphur staggers back from the burning pool! The hyena HOWLS in dismay!

- Havarti swiftly disrobes as the hyena flees back towards the way out, her burning clothes falling into the flaming oil below. Sulphur stops, drops and rolls. Those further up the tunnel are harmed by smoke inhalation as the acrid fumes wash upwards!

- Amphibious Assault Vehicle: Fr0G

- Lightly crisped frog monsters leap from the burning oil as Nostradama heals Havarti's wounds with holy light. Nostradama watches in horror as one leaps at Sulphur and swallows him whole before diving back under the flames!

- Battle is joined as everyone attempts not to get swallowed. It quickly becomes evident that these frogs are long dead, merely amphibious exo-suits for the octopuses controlling them from within!

- Hidra whips an octopus out of a frog's mouth and into his hand, where he crushes it.

- Inside the frog, Sulphur is in deadly battle with the octopilot which is trying to strangle him. He has an idea and purses his lips, smooching the octopus right on its beak. As the prophecies foretold, the octopus dies, leaving Sulphur in alleged control of the frog. Alas, without eight limbs it's only partially controllable.

- Sulphur hears more of them coming from inside the frog-suit, so surfaces, jumps out of the mouth, and tells everyone to run! He tooth-bombs the first wave of reinforcements, and everyone flees with the idol!

- Dungeon-Doku

- They escape, grabbing christmas elf clothes from the corpse as they go. Havarti is grateful to have any clothes at all really!

- Havarti inspects the statue. This is a proper 100% A-Grade Cthulhu Statue. It's mad valuable, and after a brief scuffle Ghost Snels divides it up like the other one.

- They exfiltrate all the way out to the entrance and cook a meal of the strange acid-resistant algae, leftover jollof rice, and nice fresh octopus. They call it "Dungeon-Doku" and it's quite nice!

Total: 7000 exp

Foes Vanquished:

- A few Urchin-Bellied Revenants (225 exp)
- Several Octopus-Controlled Frog Monsters (100 exp)

Total: 325 exp

Treasures Gained:

- Book #180: Other Histories (50 exp)

- Book #182: The Brass Hell (50 exp)

- Golden Cthulhu Statue (20 000 exp)

Total: 20 100 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler

- George the Expedition Leader

- Charles the Paymaster

- Kitty the Vanguard

- Zoë the Chef

100 exp/level/job

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 63813 (Level up at 72000)

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 54869 (Level up at 72000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 6 Fighter: 36014 (Level up at 64000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 6 Specialist: 36056 (Level up at 56000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 34614 (Level up at 36000)

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 5 Halfling: 19948 (Level up at 32000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

Session 439 - The Cave of Christmas Past

Date: 13 January 1626

Zenith Deity: Minerva
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Moon Face: Dragon Face

Events:

--- Gifts for Havarti

- We return to the party where we left them - in the outskirts of the Winter Wonderland.
- Havarti has arrived, so they send her to Zulu Claus who is still giving out gifts. Havarti receives a long-lost artifact - the Shield Of International Day Of! This shield grants the wielder immunity to whatever nonsense corporate International Day Of it happens to be on the day of the session!

- Havarti has crafted her ghost-eating hyena a saddle so it's easier to ride on the ceiling, and Ghost Snels has obtained an invisible dog (or is it just a trick leash that looks like an invisible dog??..hmmm)

--- Draugr Loot

- Nieval the Good is whinging about the lack of loot recently, and hey! The map has a location called Draugr Loot marked right on it!

- They approach and find a gnarly cave in the icy wastes. The floor has a map of the area in relief upon it.
- There's a preserved corpse of a fancy Santa. Some sort of distant past Santa where he's all forest themed. An ancient pre-coca cola Santa. Sulphur raises it as a zombie and finds a bauble necklace with a square hole around its neck. Loot already!

--- Snowfall

- The way forward is very low, so Havarti goes first due to being short. At the end of the crawlspace is a little door with a square protrusion. Perfect for the bauble to become a doorknob! It works, and they enter.

- Inside it's a proper little dungeon carved out of the rock. There are festive pre-Christian shapes and symbols in relief on the walls.

- There are also levers! Pushing them causes rumbling from deeper in.

- They leave the levers for now and try a nearby room. There are barrels of what turns out to be Yak Oil made from rendered yak tallow, old Viking-style shields and spears, and a mysterious nook which is blatantly a secret door.
- Hidra opens himself to the dungeon with his Mentor Bonus and discovers the dungeon has 19 rooms. Good to know!

- Sulphur finds the secret door latch and CLICK! A massive amount of super-cold snow drops from the ceiling, dealing massive cold damage!

- Nieval and Sulphur administer Terry's Chocolate Orange to the wounded.

--- Circular Logic

- The room that made grinding sounds is next, and they discover a classic puzzle where the rings rotate to create a full image. In this case, a symbol that's somewhere between a snowflake and a pentagram!

- Operating the (noisy) levers, they manipulate the puzzle into place. 

- A square peg pops up in the middle, and the bauble key opens it. Part of the walls grinds down to reveal a golden statuette of Santa... but with a squat pose and a beard of tentacles. Ghostly faces phase through the wall and look upon it dreamily.

- Sulphur uses ghost vision to see what they are. Four spirits, tied to the statuette by ephemeral bonds!

- Good thing they've got a ghost-eating hyena, a ghost-punching Boogilist, and a few magical nonsenses to help beat a ghost's face in!

--- Icy Grip

- Ghost Snels casts See No Evil to become unaffected by (and unable to affect) Chaotic beings, thus winking out of sight for like half the party. He drags the golden idol away, pulling the confused ghosts forward!
- The battle is fierce, but short. The ghosts' rending icy claws no match for the teeth and fists.

- While the hyena chomps down immaterial ghostflesh, Nieval gathers ectoplasm. It's good eatin'!

- The idol says "the gifts of the deep are for all those who are good" in old Norse, which loads of people can read apparently.

- The door past the idol opens and a cold breeze rolls out...

--- Trapped Chest?

- Rather than go further in, they decide to head back and try a side door they missed earlier.

- There's a string of smaller rooms. One has a Mjolnir necklace (or is it an Old Miner symbol?). The next has preserved corpses lying on plinths, dressed as Christmas Elves. They shrink down over time as the dress become more modern. Christmas elves... are human?

- The last room has a bunch of barrels and a very obvious unlocked chest. The others wait outside the room as Hidra opens it from a distance with a pole...
- He sees the gleam of treasure and SHUNK! A claw scrapes down Hidra's back from behind!

- The barrels are in fact some sort of barrel spider crab thing! There are three of them! Disney inspired music presumably begins playing.

--- Battle of the Barrels

- Hidra smashes open on of the barrels, revealing that the creature's body is actually quite tiny. He uses his Santa powers to magically vanish up the barrel-hole of one of them... and spends the next little while trapped in there with his crabbish foe!
- Ghost Snels sends in his invisible dog... but it's not trained to fight. They hear occasional whimpering as it accidentally gets underfoot.

- Nieval lays down covering fire with his mounted repeater crossbow from the doorway.
- Sulphur magic-punches the exposed spider, then shoves a handful of teeth into the other. The Teeth Bomb explodes, hurting the creature within!

- Havarti tries to explode its barrel with a gambit... but fully fails. The Shield of International Day Of is destroyed! She keeps the automatically updating data counter thing from the front. Maybe she can recreate it one day.
- Hidra finally breaks his way out of the barrel, ripping off the crab-monster's legs as he does so! Its one-eyed head ponks to the ground like a volleyball... where it is immediately grabbed and killed by the invisible dog!

--- The Feasting

- With various people somewhat injured by the battle against the barrel spiders, it's time to cook! The legs are very much like big ol' crab legs, and they've got some extra ingredients ready to go.
- The result is "I Ate This Once Outside of a Nigerian Haunted House" which really trips off the tongue. It contains Jollof Rice, ectoplasm, human skin, Ibex meat, and spider crab legs.
- Hidra refuses to eat it due to the human content, but his Santa powers require him to eat milk/brandy based foods anyway so whatever. The others find that it is absurdly delicious, and furthermore means they don't actually need shelter to sleep tonight! Convenient!

- The rest outside in the cave mouth, warmed by delicious food.

Total: 9000 exp

Treasure:

- Bauble-Key necklace (100 exp)
- Gold "Cthulhu Santa" idol (8000 exp)

- Mjolnir/Old Miner necklace (7 exp)
- Norse gold coins (1500 exp)
Total: 9607 exp

Foes:

- 4 spirits (300 exp)
- 3 barrel spider crabs (750 exp)
Total: 1050 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Paymaster (100 exp/level)

- Ollie the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 59297 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 6 Specialist: 31540 (Level up at 56000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!
- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 31498 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 30198 (Level up at 36000)

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 5 Halfling: 16032 (Level up at 32000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

Session 438 - Winter Wonderland Return

Date: 6 January 1626

Zenith Deity: Oberon
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Clean Face (no effect)

Revealed Backstory:

- Ghost Snels, during the German Peasant Revolt, encouraged his religiously fervent charges to slaughter all captives. They didn't, which is why they lost. Get a reroll against fallout of someone disregarding your advice.

Events:

--- Resolutions

- Our heroes remain where they were at the end of the Christmas Special. In an icy wasteland, Santa's body boiling away into snow at their feet.
- Straight ahead is a winter wonderland, but their attentions are drawn to a swirling vortex of colour labelled Doomed Resolutions.
- They make resolutions and enjoy the results for a bit, but ultimately lose interest.

--- Winter Wonderland

- Memories emerge from Christmas Specials of the past as they enter Winter Wonderland through the blue gate. Didn't we meet James Young here once?

- Nieval heads straight for the ice rink and grows skates from his legs. He does some tricks, and it drops his Intelligence to 3 and boosts his Wisdom to 18! Hidra gives it a go too, but isn't as tricky.

- Next stop is the food court where some of them get mulled wine. Nieval starts floating, Nostradama's stomach grumbles as her torso shrinks, and Ghost Snels shrinks entirely as he turns into a gecko.

--- Gifflewim Un-Reborn

- They meet Gifflewim and discover that he's settled his disagreement with Julgoor by simply eating as many Julgoor shopkeepers as he could find. He's also pretty certain that the Idea of Thorns has won out over the Idea of Wheat in his head. Apparently what remains of Julgoor has now become part of Japhet & Hirsch's body.

- He rejects therapy over any of this, and tells everyone that James Young can be found by the rollercoaster.

--- The Rollercoaster

- They can't find James Young, so they ride the rollercoaster anyway.

- Screaming, they gain strange powers!

-- Snels can teleport himself anywhere in the world... once.

-- Nieval can swap clothing with a person they can see... three times.
-- Sulfur's next kiss will kill the recipient.

-- Hidra has an "uncomfy feeling".

-- Nostradama's clothes decompose into lime green spiders, who weave her new clothes.

- And yet, no James Young.

--- Overpriced Village

- They get food from a slender and somehow still alive Zulu Claus, whose powers are waning.
- Nieval asks for a Terry's Chocolate Orange and gets the original OP version! 16 slices that heal 1d6 per slice!

- Ghost Snels gets jollof rice.

- Sulfur gets gems and trinkets.

- Nostradama gets... 4 rations of normal bread.

- Hidra gets Book 210 - The Light at the End of Days

--- The Orrery Returns!

- The come to a tall but otherwise normal-looking guy called James Young, who stands before a huge and gleaming metal orrery. It spins slowly.

- Hidra plucks Mars from the orrery. Nieval licks it.
- Hidra faces the moon to be always dragon-faced.
- He also spots a dragon-shaped rock and moves it much closer to the Earth. The effects of this new dragon shall be decided elsewhere...

- Thus ends the first session of the year.

Total: 7000 exp

Treasures:

- Terry's Chocolate Orange
- Jollof rice

- Gems and trinkets (300 exp)
- Book #120 - The Light at the End of Days (50 exp)

Total: 350 exp

OOC:

Carter the Remembrancer, Cartographer, Paymaster (300 exp/level)
Zoë the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
George the Hypeman (?) (100 exp/level)
Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
Charles the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 54765 (Level up at 72000)

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 46421 (Level up at 72000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 27066 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 27008 (Level up at 28000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 25766 (Level up at 36000)

Session 437 - Christmas Special - Return to the Lair of the Holly Spirit!

Date: Christmas 1625

Zenith Deity: The Allfather
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Bright Face

Revealed Backstory:

- Hidra was constantly beaten during his training, but one day he escaped! When fleeing, disregard Pain.

Events:

--- Christmas Cometh

- We open in a never-before-seen venue, following a surprise "D&D Wrapped" put on by someone who has earned the title of Most Valuable Player. It was AMAZING. 
- In-game, the box canyon that contained the Necromancers is now covered in snow and enormous candy canes. Up the slope is a Christmassy portal that spews stardust and snow. It is the Christmas Special, and several people remember this setup from exactly a decade ago.

- Also up the slope are a bunch of tiny little rat-children throwing snowballs amongst snowmen, giggling and happy.

- The candy canes have robed cultists hanging from them by the neck. All are dead and swinging in the wind. This gives our heroes pause.

- Sulphur uses his necromantic abilities to sense death. The snowmen contain corpses. He turns one into a zombie under his control with Halloween abilities.

- Hidra approaches the rat-children, introduces himself, and eats a whole lot of snowballs dealing 13 embarrassment damage.

--- Bad Miracle

- The rest of the party attempt to sneak around. It doesn't work.

- Hidra begins the slaughter. Each tiny rat-kid has a single point of HP and is unarmoured. Hidra spins, slashes, spins, blocks, and spins again. All 15 children are murdered. Their blood freezes to the snow.

- Hidra looks around like this is a normal thing to do.

--- Ibex Defence Forces

- Sulphur enters the dungeon proper and finds a crossroad. Dead ahead, a workshop. To the left, twelve ibexes are chained up in front of a sleigh. To the right, a sky-portal positioned such that these ibexes (ibeces?) can run through into the sky.
- Sulphur strides forth towards the workshop. Rat kids dive behind their worktops. One of them rings a big bell in warning.

- The rat kids start flinging lumps of coal, supported by the next shift who sling their own coal into the fray with unerring accuracy. Nieval and Sulphur take emotional damage.

- Ghost Snels chucks a piece of coal back, nails a child in the head, and forces a retreat.

--- Feast Incoming

- Nieval unhooks an ibex from the sleigh and rides it into battle, destroying a rat-child despite the fact that the rat-children have already openly surrendered.
- Nostradama proclaims that the Nine are always there and willing to protect their subjects. The survivors flee, sobbing. They feel faith within themselves.

- The party loot the room, finding a variety of foods.

--- The Play Room

- Our heroes continue into the next room. It's a play room. Huge toys survey. A nutcracker, a toy soldier, and a big pink bear loom. A huge chest of pamphlets seems out of place. The huge toy soldier reloads the barrel of his huge early modern gun.

- Oh wait what. The big pink bear winks.

- The gun rises but Ghost Snels is THERE! He saw the great pink cuddly bear rising and directs the toy soldier's gun straight at it!
- BKOOM! He misses the toy soldier because he was aiming at the nutcracker! Wood spatters the wall. The nutcracker grinds its teeth and stares upwards at Nieval's groin.

- Its teeth STRIKE.

- As its teeth come down, Hidra stabs it from behind. It dies, teeth merely scraping the balls.

- Nieval's sigh of relief is palpable.

--- One of my best friends is Nigerian

- "Ho ho ho!" says a voice in a west African timbre.
- Oh shit, it's Zulu Spiderbite. But Santa.

- She rides a red nosed ibex. It all comes together.
- One side of the room has a portal to a really lame and overpriced Wonderland.
- The ice-ghost of Lulu is her backup. It's a proper boss battle!

- They FIGHT!

--- Knocked Away

- The battle is strange and desperate.

- Zulu Claus smashes with her big bag of presents, then her voice, then her summoned hat-rat-elves.

- She teleports behind Nostradama, grabs Hidra by the throat, and throws him through the portal into the winter wonderland beyond.

- Sulphur tooth-bombs the ghost of Lulu.

- Hidra tries to OHKO Santa but... half-succeeds.
- Santa blocks, parries, seize the magic, and throws EVERYONE into the snow beyond the portal.

- Santa is ripped apart. A distant ferris wheel turns. To what end?

Total:8000 exp

Foes:

- A multitude of children (20 exp)

- Zulu Claus (400 exp)

Total: 420 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 20237 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 18737 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 46436 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 25196 (Level up at 28000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 436 - Maggoty Man and the Ghastly Ghouls

Date: 2nd December 1625

Zenith Deity: The Lady

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Clean Face

Events:

--- Maggot Man

- In a hidden chamber within a Necromantic dungeon at the end of a box canyon, our heroes face a man on a slab covered in maggots who shrieks that he is becoming immortal. Hooded cultists with wiggly daggers stand behind in the gloom.

- He is Dargle, one of the Triumverate of Evil Necromancers! Mancy, Hidra's enthralled yet recalcitrant minion, is also part of said Triumverate. He is very much least among equals though.

- Dargle monologues about the process, how the maggots are feeding on his flesh and replacing it with immortal flesh far superior!

- Ghost Snels chucks a holy symbol at the maggots, which burns them! He calls forth the miracle of See No Evil, becoming invisible and intangible to Chaos and vice versa, then pours Oil of Brutal Noise all over the maggits.

- Sulphur commands his skeletons to crush maggots while the rest of the party make as much noise as possible! The skeletons starts getting covered in fleshy silk. He punches a cultist and, though he misses, discovers that these cultists are actually skeletons with skin stretched over them!

- Hidra's intelligent armour, Castigate Pox, gets battered as Hidra crits his way down the line of cult-skellies. Castigate immediately starts screaming for repairs!

- The human form of Dargle finally explodes from brutal noise, splashing maggots everywhere! Mancy starts eating maggots, to Hidra's bemusement.

--- Two-in-One Necromancer

- It transpires that eating the maggots means that Mancy and Dargle are now one! Or Dargle is haunting Mancy? Hard to say. They discuss consuming Balagos to become the Triumverate in One Body.

- The party leave to explore further, and on the way Ghost Snels gets a big download about the Necromancers of Un'Goth and their Necromantic philosophy.
- Un'Goth, a preppy, young and outgoing Necromancer wanted to delve deep into the Earth, kill Shub-Niggurath, and turn the dead beast in the core of the earth to their will. Their rival faction was led by Cyrus Carnithrex Maximus, whose plan for Shub-Niggurath was basically to raise an army of vampires and undead and a skeletal Apocalypse Dragon to fight it to death.

--- Cinematic Budget Cuts

- They head down some spooky stairs, seeing tracks on the ceiling left by ghost-eating hyenas and choosing not to follow, before coming to a door with ghoul claws on it.

- They open it up, see the ghouls within turn to them with a baleful gaze, and let Sulphur's army of 30 skeletons go in there before shutting the door.
- Bangs, crashes, things bouncing off the door, and finally... a ring-ring-ring of a metal plate rolling on its rim before clattering into silence. They open the door, and lo! The fight was resolved off-screen!

--- The Black Blade

- They enter and discover the ghouls were in berths on the walls, like a pod hotel. They had been holding an academic debate until the skeletons busted in!

- There is a terrible smell as the two survivors, Ghasts, rise. They are however quite willing to chat.

- Ghost Snels isn't pissing about with that. Under the effects of a borrowed miracle he rushes forward and grabs the Black Blade of the Dardanelles from where it sits on display at the far side of the room!

- The Blade snicker-snacks between the ghasts, vanishing them across the nearest border! This is the true power of the Black Blade that felled Constantinople!

- With the Ghasts deported, he hands the blade to Hidra and the party loots the room. They find gold, magic items, books, all sorts!

--- Dinner, Merely Fine

- With that they decide to have dinner. Unfortunately they don't have much.

- The resulting meal of bootleather and seaweed is saved by the garnish, in all honesty. Not great, not terrible. The call it A Bad Days' Catch.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:

- Dargle, Necromancer (250 exp)

- Dargle's Skeleton Cultists (150 exp)

- 8 ghouls (600 exp)

- 2 ghasts (200 exp)
Total: 1200 exp

Loot:

- 29 gold pieces (1450 exp)

- A Shield

- Elven Chain weighs as Light armour, protects as Medium (+4 AC)

- Limb Eater Cleaver. Cleave off a limb to heal 2d10 HP. Permanent, painless.

- Elf Key works on any lock to create a portal to the Gardens of Ynn.

- Book #123 - Far Qeylong (100 exp)

- Book #139 - On the Holy Roman Empire (100 exp)

- Book #312 - Captured by the POWERLAIRD (100 exp)

- Book #129 - The Shame of Dwarves (100 exp)

Total: 1850 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- George the Expedition Leader and Cartographer and Quartermaster (300 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard and Chef (200 exp/level)

Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 51495 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 25038 (Level up at 28000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 5 Fighter: 25096 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 5 Denialist Cleric: 23796 (Level up at 36000)

Session 435 - You Get a Minion! You Get a Minion!

Date: 25th November 1625

Zenith Deity: Alaunus

Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent

Moon Face: Pocked Face

New Backstory:

- Sulphur force-fed Nieval the Good back when he nearly died in the ruined castle. Double healing when you give somebody else food.

- Hidra brought out his finest long-prepared supplies when his Lord was restored. It went great! When you take a break, you may declare that you're planning a heist. Next turn you may flash back to the heist planning session and alter the present!

- Havarti encouraged her own lynching in order to feign death and escape the Veins of the Earth! +1 damage per ally surrounding a foe.

- Ghost Snels had a lapse of faith, but when the Pope revealed himself to be a Protestant clone of Ghost Snels' nephew, his faith was restored!! +2 to beneficial cleric magic.

Events:

--- Unhappy Valley

- The party debate what to do now that they have a big wooden goose to fly around in (so long as they stay in the region of menacing spikes). It's got a little bit more range than that, so at Sulphur's request they decide to hit up the spooky valley that fills one with dread to look upon.

- The goose is loose! It lands at the edge of the valley which is choked with mist. A few big flaps of its wings blows aside the mist for a few minutes, revealing a small army of about a hundred skeletons standing at the end of the box canyon.

- Sulphur snorts a line of bone dust, punches himself in the eye, and casts Detect Animated Dead. Only about a third of the skeletons are animated, the rest are just freestanding bones. Closer inspection shows that all the skeletons have hinges at the joints.

- Sulphur slurps up a Last Breath and casts Subjugate Dead a bunch until he's captured all thirty of the animated skeletons! You get a minion! Good thing they brought a Boo-Gilist!

--- Ghost-Eaters

- There are two cave entrances at the bottom of the canyon, and further up the slope are a couple of different doors which seem intentional. They decide to start at the bottom and work their way up.

- Nieval goes first, hears growling, and backs away so that Sulphur can send in his skeleton army.

- The skeletons come across... hyenas! Havarti pushes through and Tames one with her Halfling mind powers. You get a minion! The hyena accedes to her will, and she discovers that it has the power to walk on walls.

 
- One of the skeletons is lost to a hyena on the ceiling that reaches down from above and grabs it by the skull, they witness the pack devouring the skeleton's animating spirit. These hyenas can eat ghosts!

- They leave the hyenas to it. No harm, no foul. The other cave corridor is half-height, leading to the skeletons bonking their skulls. There is a mysterious patch of wet seaweed hanging from the wall, which is immediately gathered for food.

--- Necromancer vs Boogilist

- Ghost Snels runs ahead for he has a miracle that makes him unaffectable and imperceivable to Chaotic beings, and vice versa. He enters the next room and uses context clues to deduce that skeletons are digging out one of the walls.

- He retreats and the others relay his words to Sulphur, since he's also a Chaotic being and as such cannot see the Cleric.

- The others peer into the room, seeing a group of 5 zombies digging through the wall. Sulphur rolls in and poaches one of the skeletons. Good to have a Necromancer when the Dead are around! 

- Unfortunately there's an enemy Necromancer in here too, unseen by Ghost Snels for obvious See No Evil reasons, and he's plenty miffed that someone's nicked one of his workers.

- The Necromancer starts to cast to steal his zombie back, but Hidra is faster! Hidra's whip drags him through his zombie coterie and into the middle of the room, cancelling the spell and making its magics go wild!

- Instead of Subjugating the zombies the spell inverts and subjugates the Necromancer to Hidra's will! You get a minion! His name is Mancy and I have a wonderful time finding his voice, but I'm worried that I've created an ambiguously gay tulpa who knows what mpreg means.

--- Dig! Dig! Dig! Diiiiig!

- The fight is over quicker than it started. Hidra commands his minion to stand down his own minions. Apparently Mancy is down here as a sort of punishment detail, finding a way to dig into the complex proper.

- They question him and discover that this is the ancient tomb of Un'Goth (quoth Sulphur - "so a prep") who once ran or at least was involved with the cult of Tyrsis. He knows of various treasures within, such as the Black Blade of the Dardanelles and the Spirit-Tomb of Po-Ki-Man.

- Sulphur sets his skeletons army to digging through the wall. Many hands etc.

- They check out the room behind Mancy and discover 6 canopic jars (which is somewhat anachronistic). Each has an organ floating within, but each also has some sort of tasty ingredient like the salt-packed skin or the balsamic vinegar preserving the brain. All lick their lips and consider whether they're down for cannibalism. They share the jars around.

--- Dinner Party

- There's going to be some time before the skeletons can dig through that dang wall, so they decide to cook something.

- Ghost Snels forces Mancy to eat the strange enoki that he picked up from the floor near the Morning Light Mountain shelf-fungus goblins. Mancy eats and starts to foam as the enoki replicate.

- Hidra leaps forth and rips the fungus from his minion's throat! He casts it into the fire, destroys it.

- Nostradama, meanwhile, is cooking what she calls the California Dinner Party from seaweed, human meat, and cheese. How does she know about California? Maybe she reads Spanish classics? We just don't know. It's moderately tasty at least.

- Hidra "reads" the dungeon with his backstory powers. It's a single level (from above) but tiered like a hill village.

- Sulphur converts a skeleton into a bookshelf by reforming the rib cage. Sick.

--- Onwards and Inwards

- With that, the wall breaks through! The skeletons and zombies mill about.

- The walls within are a smooth black stone. Possibly polished basalt, possibly rasterised souls. Who can say?

- Ghost Snels asks Mancy if Necromancers have their own language, but no.

- They explore this part of the complex. They come to a statue carved of that same black stone. It's a big guy in robes, huge pauldrons, clutching a skull. His head gouts smoke. It looks a bit like Ghost Snels but Mancy insists that this is Ur'Goth.

--- I Announce the Sacred Word - Open!

- They explore further and find some stairs upwards. Sulphur has an idea though.

- He heads back to the statue, slurps a Last Breath, and says "OPEN!".

- The skull hinges backwards, revealing a button that presses itself. A secret door grinds aside.

- Three more canopic jars are within. There is a further door.

--- The Maggot Man

- They open the next door and see a man lying on a slab who writhes with maggots. He is surrounded by 6 robed cultists.

- "Who enters my immortality chamber??"
- Mancy reveals that he is the third member of the TRIUMVERATE OF EVIL NECROMANCERS!!!

- The party discuss the tautological nature of this statement.

- The Triumverate are made up of Mancy, Dargle and the de facto leader Balagos who wields the Doomed Axe of Castigate Pox. Hidra is very very interested.
- We end, as ever, on a cliffhanger!

Total: 9000 exp

Treasures:

- 9 Canopic Jars containing various flavours (4500 exp)

Total: 4500 exp

Foes:

- A small army of skeletons (300 exp)
- One ghost-eating hyena, ensorcelled (100 exp)
- A Necromancer (300 exp)
- Five zombies, kinda (50 exp)

Total: 750 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Expedition Leader, Paymaster and Artist (300 exp/level)

- George the Cartographer (100 exp/level)
- Ollie the Quartermaster (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Zoë the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 44351 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 6 Boo-gilist: 39956 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 22933 (Level up at 28000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 4 Fighter: 13957 (Level up at 16000)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 4 Denialist Cleric: 12257 (Level up at 18000)

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 4 Halfling: 11700 (Level up at 16000)