Tuesday, 27 July 2021

Session 295 - Down with the Veins, Rise Up the Servants

Date: June 24, 21 p.p.
Moon:  First Quarter

Zenith: Vorn

New Backstory:
- Amanta chased a theatre troupe, lost below the earth, from her cave back when she was just a translucent cave mantis.


-- Deep beneath the Earth
- Swan the Swift and Eegor come across Amanta in the city of the knotsmen. Despite never having met before, trust is immediately established. Two player gang initiated.
- Eegor, being an underground guy, countermands the intended "ha ha you cannot escape" vibe and leads them towards the surface.
- Many caves are gone through. Much climbing and squeezing.
- After some time, they come out into a vast low-ceilinged limestone cavern with a citadel cut into the side of a deep abyss.

--- The Citadel
- Eegor declares that this is where his masters first set out from on their attempt to find the surface.
- Our heroes investigate the fortress in the hopes that food is available. Instead they find a bunch of largely eaten corpses, and ahead a fair number of Knotsmen and their slaves. These guys are peering down the chasm, chattering about the massive horrible bear golem that killed the others.
- Oh fuck oh no IT'S HERE! An ancient prehistoric golem carved by human hands and surmounted by an ancient bear skull! It fucking demolishes a Knotsman and throws the bleeding corpse back down the chasm!
- Swan lobs a rock to judge how strong the clay bear's HP is, but accidentally hits a Knotsman. Somehow they assume that Swan and Amanta are in league with the bear. Our heroes rapidly abscond.

--- Exit the Veins
- Moving swiftly on, screams in the distance, our small group follows Eegor as he tries to find the way back out of this underground hell. As per his little sheet, he's good at finding his way, so after some time they find themselves at the cheesewired worm tunnel where they originally entered the Veins.
- The wounded Knotsmen are gone, or gnawed to the bone, and the cheesewires are mostly slack. Easy to traverse. There is evidence of the Olm, subterranean salamander people, but this is stated offhand by Eegor so not gone into particularly thoroughly. They live down here, basically.
- The route up is extremely difficult for Swan, but easy for Amanta and Eegor. Together they help him up, out, and onto the glorious surface.
- High risk high reward underworld remains an option, but for now - fuck no.
- They lie on the ground and stare at the sky for a while.
- Also it's still a fucking heatwave. Last week. Can you imagine.

--- Meatgate
- They go north, considering there's a dragon along the road back to Kink, and come to a strange little town beyond a crossroads.
- The shattered Dino-Dome and the flailing flesh-tree called the Dharga frame a town mostly made of meat. Leathery flesh tents, houses built with bones, the occasional shrub-based roof. That sort of thing.
- A veiny man with a small extra head that repeats his vowels stumbles out from under a skin canopy and welcomes the pair, and Eegor, to Meatgate.
- This is the last town before the Meatlands, apparently, and crawls to the east over time because the Meatlands are expanding. Rebuild the close houses at the back, and if you can't find food you can always gather mutagenic flesh from the meaty meadows beyond..
- If you go north there's a lake of horrid juices, so the best way into the dome, and Mt Death Frost, is via Salisburgh. It's called Salisburger or Salivasburgh now, depending on who you ask.

-- Samuel's Saloon
- I legit cannot find content for this area despite my searching, so our heroes travel back to Samuel's pub to do a bit of cheeky carousing with some of the gems they received in the depths of the earth. A demon pub is safer than meat town!
- Swan holds his liquor impossibly well, while Amanta who has never drunk alcohol before gets extremely fucking drunk. Samuel creates a male mirror of Amanta in an attempt to drain her charisma, as is his way, but she bites off his fucking head and eats it. That's how mantis do.
- Swan and Samuel, horrified, have a drink-off. Swan actually wins against the demon! Absolute barbarian style!

Total: 6000 exp

Swan - 4000 exp
- Amanta - 1600exp

Three each -
Kitty x3
George x3

Exp totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 21425 (Level up at 32000)
Level up! +1d8 HP! +2 barbarian roll! +backstory!
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 4 Mantis Specialist: 7522 (Level up at 14000)
Level up! +1d6 HP! +2 skill points! +backstory!
Level up! +1d6 HP! +2 skill points! +saves improve! +backstory!

Tuesday, 20 July 2021

Session 294 - Tapping the Veins


Date: June 21, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Crescent
Zenith: Minerva

New Backstory: 
- Iskander's town was beset by football hooligans in the pub, and helped Zulu chase them out before they burnt the place down! +1 Strength


--- The Dark Descent
- Down a long thin tear in the Earth, hanging by fingertips and squeezing through thin and claustrophobic cracks, our heroes descend down the twisting throat of the world. The liquid darkness oozes away from their light.
- They scrape through a tight squeeze and find themselves climbing up and out into a larger cavern that seems to have been eaten through by some great worm. There are whispers. Zulu dims the light.
- Bodies lie in the gloom. Fresh blood, so recently dead. Some have bites taken out of them. A cautious look reveals the ground has been set with thin wires, hammered into the broken rock and pulled taut. They try to lassoo a body and pull it towards them to investigate, but the corpse is cut to ribbons by the razor wire as it's dragged along the ground.
- It seems impassable, unless they climb the walls. Not going to happen.

--- The Legless Man and the Man-Legged Mantis
- They try to find a different way and soon find one. The Earth is riddled with caves, it seems. Crawling sometimes on their bellies, sometimes curling through cracks. It is in one of these long thin crawls that they hear a voice!
- They approach and see a man with a pith helmet and one leg trying to fish something out of a hole. It's his own leg! They ask him how he got here, and he tells them he was exploring an ancient temple, went through a crack on the lowest level, and never found his way out. His name is Huswan and he has been cursed by a witch! His leg is fetched from the hole, for which he is grateful, and he reattaches it. Witch curse, you see.
- Suddenly there is movement from the dark! Liber Quint is grabbed from behind by great mantis claws! It's almost invisible, entirely translucent. In the cramped space tactics are extremely limited. Celebus tries to stun it, but gets stunned himself.
- Liber shuts her eyes, reaches for the magic, and lets it run wild. Pure chaos surges through the dark, briefly lighting the walls with rippling energies. Both she and the mantis fall to the floor of the thin cave, unmoving.
- The corpses tremble and burst! Clawing their way from their former bodies, each being claws from its meat chrysalis and stares. One was reincarnated as a Halfling, panics, and immediately knocks itself out on a rock. The other was reincarnated as a human-shaped mantis being, calling herself Amanta. She seems, while confused, friendly enough to join the party with her Specialist mantis climbing skills.
- They talk to Huswar and find that he's a conquistador from Spain, who investigated a stepped temple in the search for the mythical city of El Dorito. 
- Celebus kills the Halfling and reanimates it as a zombie.
- Meanwhile Huswar's arms and legs are going absolutely haywire as the result of a trigger word. He asks to die too, and tells them to avoid the Deep Witch. Celebus kills him and reanimates him as a zombie.

--- Knotsmen City
- They follow their current tight squeeze of a corridor for hours or days, time is meaningless underground. The way opens up sometimes, or requires short climbs, but leads ever on.
- They crawl under a shelf of stone and suddenly find themselves in a vast underground cavern! A grand citadel is built into great edifice of stone, and a queue of dim glimmering lights snake up to a gate lit by lanterns.
- The queue is a queue of Knotsmen! They are waiting to get into the great tiered city and are not immediately hostile. Celebus spots a tradesman's entrance and investigates. The guard is bribed with Ferfect Fried Chicken and they sneak in.
- Guards are all over the place, unfortunately. They are stopped and asked for their permits, which they clearly don't have. More chicken is a sufficient bribe, and permits are hurriedly signed.
-A Knotsman with so many bulging knots of veins forcing him to bow over sees the commotion and comes to look. He casts a spell on Iskander that makes him own Iskander's very bones. A bribe is sufficient to reverse the curse.
- They continue on up to a market. Food is good currency here, and they trade some for a picture of a dead castle with an ominous look to it.
- Further up, only Knotsmen may go. They offer some of the last of their chicken to some Knotsmen up there, getting handfuls of precious gems in return. They're hooked on the chicken and wish to know the way to the surface where they might find more. The party looks in confusion at the gems - these would make them rich on the surface world, but down here they're being thrown at them like cheap beads.
- As we close the session for the day one question remains... how the fuck do experience points work when somethings' value is perceived so wildly differently?? Find out below!

Total: 5000 exp

- A daguerreotype of a city in motion, blurred people walking through the long exposure. Some still figures must not have moved. In fact, one seems to be looking straight at you... (1000 exp)
- A string of flawless diamonds, worth 5000 obols on the surface. (500 exp)
- A single perfect emerald, worth 1000 obols on the surface (100 exp)
- Two handfuls of loose diamonds, worth 10000 obols on the surface (1000 exp)
Total: 2600 exp

Defeated Foes:
- A mantis shrimp, reincarnated. (250 exp)
- A recently reincarnated Halfling, murdered. (10 exp)
- An 'armless spanish conquistador (5 exp)
Total: 265 exp

Exp Totals:
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 4 Fighter: 11848 (Level up at 16000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 10264 (Level up at 18000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +free spell! +backstory!
- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 3 Bibliognost
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 2 Mantis Specialist: 2622 (Level up at 3500)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 skill points! +backstory(?)

Tuesday, 6 July 2021

Session 293 - Eegor is Sexy Now

Eegor is Sexy Now

Date: June 21, 21 P.P.
Moon: Waning Crescent
Zenith: Minerva

New Backstory:
- Celebus Uppytus was the devoted follower of a bully, and ensured he was essential by drawing up a series of schedules for who they should beat up next. +1 to an action at least two others have succeeded at.


--- Wait Come Back I've Got a Quest For You!
- Our heroes leave the vicinity of the crashed angel petal, fog swirling around their feet. They pass by the three statues of Necromancer-Generals... and one speaks! 
- He declares himself to be Bezonaught the Boogeyking and offers his paralysing ectoplasmic gifts and treasure in exchange for the party killing off the Cyrus-worshipping Necromancers back there.
- The party duly writes the quest into their quest log and head off. Mount Death-Frost here they come! Why kill the Cyrus-worshippers when they can just go see the man himself?

--- Back Through Kink
- It's still a Heatwave but it's somehow even more heatwavey. Is it the humidity? Whatever it is, everyone's quickly absolutely exhausted. Celebus ejects his skeleton to escape the oppressive heat of his mortal shell and carries his sweaty meat over his skeleton shoulder. Everyone else just has to sweat it out.
- They barely make it to Kink and see that even the crabs are going red. They head straight for the river, upstream of the eggs obviously, and have a relieving dip. Swan spots some Swarm Minnows - streams of minnows that leap out of the water in big groups so they look like one big fish - and catches them in Celebus' skinbag body.
- Celebus himself catches a lobster! While everyone admires it, Swan sneakily nicks some crab eggs.
- They take their delicious spoils to the now-empty house of convicted murderer Barry d'Louse. He has a remarkably well equipped kitchen, so they cook up their new meal!
- It's called "Deliciously Fleasin' Lobster", using a combination of corpse flea meat, lobster, crab eggs, and minnows. It's not that tasty, but Swan really manages to make it work! Conveniently, the bonus is that it protects from weather effects! Heatwave begone!

--- Distant Dragon
- They set off north in the direction of Mt Death Frost. The road goes through the now infamous territory of a Crystal Dragon! They crunch across sharp crystal pieces, wary for dragonsign.
- They spot it in the sky! Floating crystal structure wings, sharp angular body, tough crystalline core... it's a dragon alright!
- They duck like chickens when a hawk passes overhead and thankfully it doesn't spot them, winging its way somewhere more interesting.

--- Samuel's Saloon
- They continue on and notice a strange cave with a neon glow. At first they think it might be the crystal dragon's lair, but they left the crunchy crystal behind about half an hour ago.
- They investigate and find themselves in... a saloon? The music stops, and some grizzled but surprisingly handsome cowboy-types turn to glare. The bartender nods and the fiddlers start playing again. The bartender himself is a beautiful man with soft bouncy locks and very kissable lips. It's Samuel! Known to the players as a lust demon and so presumably known to the characters by reputation.
- He offers love potions or to make people into handsome versions of themselves. Nobody takes him up on the offer until Swan offers Eegor!
- An extremely hot version of Eegor is here now. The original Eegor falls down in supplication. Handsome Eegor is somehow... more creepy?
- They stay in a tent just outside that night, and wake up to find that it's tipping down. Good thing Swan the Swift has a bunch of tupperware full of the weather resistance Lobster dish!

--- Ooga Booga
- The gang sets off, still heading north along the road. The rain abates into more of a light sprinkle, and through the rain they spot a fissure in the earth. There are Knotsmen there, poking around after crawling out of the fissure.
- There's a scuttling sound from over a nearby hill, and some crabs crest it and charge down the slope! Their stone shells are daubed with woad and one clutches a big wooden club in one pincer! Those who speak crab hear their words - "OOGGAAA BOOOOGAAAA!"
- The Knotsmen duck back into their fissure and the crabs charge over them, scuttling sideways towards the party! Swan the Swift swiftly tosses them some of the remaining rations and the crabs stop to inspect it. They are clearly caveman crabs, all "hmm... food... hmm... hmm.... good... hmm".
- Now they see the party as friends, one of them goes to investigate the fissure. He looks down and... SHUNK! A crossbow bolt nails it in the head! The poor crab slumps while the other crabs scuttle about madly!
- Celebus casts Death Rattle on the dead crab, spooking the Knotsmen down the hole! The rest of the party runs over and joins battle, raining bolts down on the Knotsmen hiding in their hole! Iskander manages to keep the stun going by echoing his noisemaker bolts off the walls.
- Liber gambits down the hole to attack one of them and gets the first ONE MORE! since the new gambit stuff came in! Swan the Swift joins the gambit and together they spin down the hole and behead a couple of Knotsmen!
- Celebus skids down the slope so he can catch a Last Breath! His first! Finally!

--- Into the Veins
- One Knotsman remains - they've got a crossbow, heavy armour, and every time they move they hiss with pain as the armour presses against their knotted flesh. He declares that he must kill the party now but won't say why.
- Liber slides up smooth and flickers her Bibliognost threads across his skin. They scrawl up under his armour and into his ears and she finds out a dark secret of the Knotsmen. Their ancestors faced destruction and so sold future generations to a forgotten god. The Knotsman hisses as another tight knot of veins clenches on his body - this is information that must never be known by outsiders.
- Celebus takes pity on the guy and ejects his skeleton. The Knotsman thanks him profusely, he's finally free of constant torment!
- The party notice that there's a way deeper down into the depths and decide that they might as well see how far down it goes... into the Veins of the Earth.

Total: 7000 exp

- Mostly food (20 exp)
- Handsome Eegor (priceless)
Total: 20 exp

Defeated Foes:
- 5 Knotsmen of various stripes (250 exp)
Total: 250 exp

- Charles: Chronicler & Paymaster
- George: Expedition Leader & Chef
- Kitty: Cartographer & Vanguard
- Ollie: Quartermaster & Nacho Libre

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 4 Barbarian: 14125 (Level up at 16000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 4 Fighter: 9226 (Level up at 16000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble! +backstory!
- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 3 Bibliognost: 8128 (Level up at 9000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 3 Necromancer: 7642 (Level up at 9000)

Tuesday, 29 June 2021

Session 292 - Spectres and Space Ghosts

 Spectres and Space Ghosts

Date: June 18, 21 P.P.
Moon: Third Quarter
Zenith: Minerva

New Backstory:
- The coffers of Aemelius Princeps' civilisation were running low, so he was forced to raise taxes. +1 Charisma.
- Liber Quint was shoved into a charcoal hole by her brother, which might be why she has such an affinity for charcoal. If you fall, automatically pass your Climb check to grab the edge.


--- Ghoulfriends
- After the flea attack of last session, the party have entered the small house of a couple of Necromancer types. Their mouths and clawed hands drip with gloopy ectoplasm, making it quite hard to understand them.
- Liber Quint gives one a handkerchief which really helps. Their boss next door is the Caretaker and he's a mean one. They've all been blessed by their new Necrogod with ghouly ectoplasm powers, and they're opposed to the other Necromancers in the mausoleum across the way. They're fundamentally divided on whether the vampire lord Cyrus survived the End War, and whether they should go seek him out and install him at the head of a new Necromancer civilisation.

--- Actually Frankenstein was the doctor
- They leave to seek out this other faction, and conveniently randomly encounter them on the way! They have cool clockwork skeletons and Frankensteins (monsters) that fizz with electricity and constantly ask existential questions.
- Aemileus greets them as their rightful Emperor, to general giggles. Swan the Swift notices that they've got wiggly daggers, just like him! He tries to convince them that he's a member of their order, "proving" his Necromantic power by waving his arms around while Liber sends up a wall of fog! Unfortunately the magic goes a bit haywire and all the plants around start growing super fast!
- Persuaded by the display of power, they invite the team into their mausoleum. Swan tells them that he's 1000 years old and knew Cyrus personally, which they're amazed by. He also asks if they could bring back the flea-punctured corpse of Igor back to life as a Frankenstein zombie, which they agree to do!

--- It's.... ALIIIIVEE!
- They rush Igor's body to their resurrection chamber which is, of course, down in the basement. Fizzing anbaric current flows through the table, through the bolts they installed in his neck, and into Igor's corpse! He opens his eyes - Igor has returned!
- He immediately recognises his master, Swan the Swift! It transpires that his life was so awful that death was a gift, leading to an amazing result when he's turned into a frankenzombie! That plus he's got electric fists now.
- The scientists explain that this technology is a combination of crashed Seraphim technology, mad science, and the weird energies of pod containing an evil space ghost called Torpo the Sane. It goes without saying, but naturally it would be absolutely fucking terrible if someone let the space ghost out.
- Further conversation reveals that these Necromancers are incredibly uninformed about the world outside, they didn't even know that Mt Death Frost was previously stuck under a dino-dome, or that there's a massive flesh tree out there now!
- They listen to a quick death-church service before they leave, gaining improved saves against Law and the ability to cancel other people's religious bonuses. Nice. Aemileus takes umbrage at the Necromancers' insistence that gods are all either fake or worthless, considering how all the Emperors get deified and all.

--- Coast to Coast
- They have a quick peek outside and dear lord that's a lot of plant growth! Swan is clearly a powerful mage! Might leave that for a bit though, seeing as it would be silly not to talk to this space ghost they've heard so much about.
- Torpo the Sane, as it turns out, is not particularly sane. He is rather talkative though. Apparently he got banished from his home planet after eating most of the life on said planet. He claims that Liber Quint is destined to open the glyph-inscribed coffin and join forces with him, which she does not believe somehow.
- After a bunch of attempts to get them to let him out, he yells out to the Necromancers in the rest of the complex that the team is letting him out! Naturally they rush in to stop our heroes!
- Aemilius swiftly Dominates the frankenzombie and forces it to turn on its master, while Liber Quint twists her heartspell into another Wall of Fog. Unfortunately the excess magic escapes again, this time as a Cosmic Horror result! Luckily (or "luckily") for Liber, it's one of the few non-instadeath results! Her eyes explode from her face and new eyes flicker into existence along her arms and hands, bubbling like frogspawn!
- This is all certainly enough chaos to escape with, so the gang make a break for it! They run out of the mausoleum and off through the twisting trees.
- Aemilius decides that he has seen enough of his empire and heads off to return to the Moon, Cambridge and/or Australia.
- The others make a loose plan to head to Mt Death Frost and see if Cyrus is actually alive or not. Plus they can check out the flesh tree and all that weird stuff that's bound to be over there!

Total: 5000 exp

- Igor, resurrected!

Foes vanquished:
- A Necromancer (50 exp)
- A Frankenzombie (25 exp)
- 2 clockwork skeletons (20 exp)
Total: 95 exp

- Kitty: Chronicler & Cartographer
- Izzy: Expedition Leader
- Timothy: Triage
- George: Vanguard & Chef
100 exp per role

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 4 Barbarian: 12307 (Level up at 16000)
- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 3 Bibliognost: 6310 (Level up at 9000)
- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 3 Muscle Wizard: 5669 (Level up at 9000)
DING! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +free spell! +backstory!
- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 3 Halfling: 4587 (Level up at 8000)
DING! +1d6 HP! +1 to Domination! +backstory!

Tuesday, 22 June 2021

Session 291 - The Untimely Death of Clacky Snip-Snips

 The Untimely Death of Clacky Snap-Snaps

Date: June 16, 21 P.P.
Moon: Waning Gibbous Dragon Face
Zenith: Oberon

New Backstory:
- Astro Moon had very religious grandparents, hardcore Styxians. She turned her back on them. Apostate to Styxians. Immune to Styxian Clerics.
- Celebus Uppytus had a terrible birthday because nobody showed up. On June 15th every game year, and every real year, and on the week of your actual birthday, a known ally of your choice shows up during the session.
 Iskander defeated an enemy in glorious combat and granted them their death. +1 Dexterity.
- Swan the Swift bumped into an old acquaintance - the dog he saved back in the distant past. It was a thousand years old by that point and laughed in his face, clearly some sort of trickster deity being a dick as per usual. Once per session force someone you've met before not to act for a round.
- Liber Quint killed someone in a tragic charcoal burning accident, only finding the blackened bones several weeks later. Allies cannot be harmed by your fumbles.


--- There's Been a Murdahrrr!
- Church bells desperately ring out across Kink. The party, now much reinforced over last session, hurries past human crab-worshippers and giant crabs alike on their way to the church.
- They burst through the door and... horror of horrors! A huge dead crab lies in the aisle! Crabspeaker Johnny Snips, a man wearing false antennae and massive crab-speaking castanettes, is here with the local priest Peter Papenguy investigating the scene!
- Celebus inspects the corpse. It's a murder alright! And the murder weapon was... a distinctive pincer! Some of the crab meat within is gone too. He takes a rubbing of the pincer shape in order to pincerprint suspects.

--- One-Claw McGraw
- They head straight across town to see an old grizzled hero crab by the name of One-Claw McGraw. In front of the house they find another crab waiting - Elemy Scorpio the Crab Squire!
- He refuses to let the unworthy approach One-Claw McGraw, so Iskander challenges him to a noble duel. Scorpio draws an elegant rapier, while Iskander has his skeleton hand him a heavy hammer.
- They duel, and despite the fancy legwork of the Crab Squire he is forced to yield to the superior warrior.

- They enter the house and meet One-Claw McGraw himself! He indeed has only one claw, and also somehow an eyepatch. He lost the claw and the eye in a battle against the crystal dragon to the north, which menaces the good stoneshell quarries of the crabs.
- Celebus compares the rubbing of the murder weapon to One-Claw McGraw's one claw. It's a perfect match... except it's the wrong way round! Clacky Snap-Snaps was murdered with his missing claw!
- Charles makes the most perfect NANI!!??! face.
- The witnesses to the dragon fight were his squire, Elemy Scorpio, and his squire's squire Barry d'Louse. Barry now works at the Barber where he works in cleaning and de-lousing the crabs' stone shells. Barry is now a suspect.
- One-Claw McGraw himself says that he was outside Clacky's house when the murder happened! He was spurned by her, and wished to woo her by standing outside the window and serenading her with some classic Peter Gabriel.
- As they leave with their suspicions, they see the town gossip Kyle Conselle who is delighted to let them in on the secret that Pennicrab Sugarclaw, a nudist crab living in a mansion on the edge of town, was also wronged by Clacky Snip-Snips. Clacky took her old shell, and no new one fit, leading to her current situation. Another suspect!

--- Split the Party
- They decide to split up to investigate suspects.
- Iskander and Liber Quint interrogate Barry d'Louse. He confesses that he doubled back after the disastrous attack on the dragon, reclaiming McGraw's other claw and also eating the meat from his lost eye stalk. Disgusting! However, he sold the claw to a collector - Pennicrab Sugarclaw herself! The plot thickens.
- Celebus and Astro Moon go to the egg-laden mansion of Pennicrab Sugarclaw. She tells them that she can't have done it - everyone would notice a naked crab walking through town. She did, however, have McGraw's other claw as a souvenir... but it recently went missing from over the mantlepiece! No crabs could have got in here undetected, so the thief must be a human.
- Swan the Swift and Eegor go back to Elemy Scorpio the Crab Squire and find out that Barry always had a thing for Clacky Snap-Snaps, but she wasn't into humans and honestly how would that even work.

--- Mystery Solved!
- Barry d'Louse is clearly the most suspicious taken to the church to see the body and... he breaks down in tears. It was him! It was all him! He even points out the murder weapon where he'd hidden it behind the pews - it's McGraw's other claw!
- He tries to run, but Iskander shoots him in the leg. He is dragged before the Crab Queen in the river under the bridge, and pleads guilty. Premeditated crab murder - a capital crime. Iskander suggests he be executed by One-Claw McGraw whom he tried to frame, but Swan the Swift swiftly kicks him off the bridge and into the waiting maw of the Crab Queen!
- She devours him whole, and in thanks for this great service to crabkind gives the gift of the Gifflewim Coin she has been protecting. She warns them never to flip it, for Gifflewim is a great danger now, infected by the Idea of Thorns.

--- Off to the Local Dungeon Locale
- With a fair bit of time left in the session they're at a bit of a loose end. They do grab some cheeky crab meat and crab lice on their way out, so Astro Moon cooks up "Seasea Landland" from the seafood, some butter, and a prickly pear that Celebus picked up from the roadside.

- It looks pretty fucking dire honestly, just a protein shake slurry, but somehow she manages to kick it over the line from Palatable into Tasty. 
- There's a big obvious dungeon nearby - one of the wing-petals of a Seraphim thrusts from the ground where it crashed during the End War. They head that way overland, the interminable Heatwave forcing the poor party to reluctantly slurp down the Seasea Landland slurry to keep on going.

--- Flea for your Lives
- They arrive at the site and find the way in has several statues of Necromancer-Generals carved out the front. There's also arguing from a house near the base of the ruined Seraphim petal.
- They investigate and hear some ectoplasm-spewing necromancers having an argument over whether Cyrus Carnithrex Maximus, millenia-old vampire overlord of the Undead forces during the End Times, is still alive. One side argues that he's alive (well, undead) and they should head off to find him and reinstall him at the head of the Necromancers, the other that he's either dead or defeated and so there's no point leaving the safety of their current base of operations.
- But suddenly, maybe attracted by the noise, an accursed sproinging begins from behind! It is nothing less than enormous fleas, and their accursed bouncing! Swan the Swift remains outdoors to face down the new foe!
- Celebus and Liber Quint spring into action, dumping oil all over the fleas. Swan tries to light the oil and is dragged back by Iskander! A rivalry is born on the battlefield! "I won't let you get all the glory SWANNY!" booms Iskander!
- Swan pulls Iskander out through the window and they tumble into the oil amongst the fleas. The torch drops and lights the fire! They wrestle in the oily fiery mud, fleas dying around them.
- It's getting tense until Celebus activates his backstory and One-Claw McGraw shows up! He was following the party to make sure they didn't get into more trouble! He spits water on the fire and breaks up the fight!
- Iskander and Swan the Swift shake hands, a fierce rivalry between warriors has been forged.
- The drippy necromancers inside the house, honestly quite baffled at what just went down, let the party come inside to rest up. The party feast on fried fleas and settle down to sleep, except for Astro Moon who finishes of the Seasea Landland and Liber Quint who disappears in the night to do spooky elf stuff beneath the light of the Dragon Face Moon.

Total: 7000 exp

- A fair amount of crab meat
- A Gifflewim Coin (500 exp)
Total: 500 exp

Foes Vanquished:
- Elemy Scorpio, defeated in a duel (25 exp)
- Barry d'Louse, indicted and executed by Crab (5 exp)
- 5 Corpse Fleas (25 exp)
Total: 55 exp

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 4 Barbarian: 11033 (Level up at 16000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 3 Fighter: 7408 (Level up at 8000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 3 Necromancer: 5824 (Level up at 9000)
DING! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell!
- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 3 Bibliognost: 5036 (Level up at 9000)
DING! +1d6 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell!
- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 4395 (Level up at 4500)

Monday, 14 June 2021

Session 290 - Crab People

 Session 290 - Crab People

New Characters:
- Liber Quint, a Bibliognost Elf who was a charcoal burner before the End War.

New Backstory:
- Swan the Swift nursed a wounded hund back to health and found it a loving home. +1 to Henchman morale.


--- Liber Quint
- Somehow bereft of his previous party, Swan the Swift rides by skeleton horse down the dusty road towards Kink. It is absolutely stinking hot. Through the shivering mirage ahead he sees a figure loitering by the roadside - an Elf with curling ears and a bagful of charcoal!
- Her name is Liber Quint and she's heard some explosions coming from over the nearby cliff that slopes sharply down to the river below.
- Swan joins her in investigating - inspection shows that it's flights of drakencult ghosts jumping off the cliffs and exploding on the river below, before reforming and doing it all again! One of the Insanity Mammoth ghosts comes to investigate the pair. He seems to think it's still the End War, and explodes when it's pointed out that the tentacle has been replaced by a plume of thorns.
- Quint gathers the ectoplasm in her scoop - it's nice and cool on this hot day. Swan gets another Insanity Mammoth to grab him a bone from the riverbed - it pulses with explosive energies.

--- Knotsmen
- They continue on towards Kink. Swan insists there are crabs living there. On the way they hear some pained voices and see some Knotsmen - 2 upright men with pulsing knot-veins in their skin and a manservant types whose intestines are knotted in front of him.
- The manservant is moaning about how hungry he is and getting slapped by one of the Knotsmen. Quint and Swan sneak away and carry on towards Kink, leaving well enough alone.

--- Crabs!
- On the outskirts of Kink, in a scrubby thorny woodland, the pair decide to rest. It has been an excessively hot day, and Swan for one is exhausted. He spends the night on the ground while Quint disappears to dance in the moonlight. The night is charged with fizzing energy and crawling bugs, but the morning dawns and it looks like it'll be another scorcher.
- They get into Kink before the day really heats up. The town is full, as Swan insisted, of massive crabs wearing massive stone shells. The crabs have paint on their claws and shells, and some of the stone shells have been carved and mounted with twinned muskets so a human can ride on the back and shoot people.
- A man with big fake pincers and deely-bopper crab antennae emerges from a house and introduces himself as Crabspeaker Johnny Snips. Quint's identifying touch shows the truth - he is indeed a man dressed as a crab.
- He tells them that the humans here obey the crabs, and he is one who has learnt some of the crab language. Obviously they communicate with antennae-waves and pincer-snaps, hence his equipment. He asks about the Storm Shell that they came from - there are terrible rumours that crabs are taken in there and (horror!) eaten! They must be saved!
- Quint suggests a crab-goblin exchange programme. Crabs get sent in to be eaten, goblins get sent out to be eaten. Trade! The Crabspeaker is horrified - the crabs are intelligent creatures! More intelligent than humans! And furthermore they must be honoured, since it was crabs who defeated the tentacle! Or so he says at least.

--- Crabmother
- Since the two of them seem fairly sane, the Crabspeaker lets them come into the town. There is the stonecarver where they carve new shells, the old Barber where crabs are now de-loused, the mansion at the end of the lane that contains shell-less crab perverts, and so on.
- Swan asks to be taken to the wisest crab and is taken to the bridge. Nets are rigged up to ensure the eggs spawning there aren't washed downstream. There is also a truly enormous crab down in the river - the Crabmother!
- Swan asks about her life, and she says she was born six years ago when the world was barren. She was touched by a mysterious biped who made her big and covered the world with thorns! She protects a Gifflewim coin which she has sworn to protect - the biped is cruel and capricious and must never be summoned.
- However she is open to a deal. If the crystal dragon to the north can be defeated she will release the coin into their hands for safe keeping, since that will prove that they will be mightier defenders of the thing. The dragon perilously close to a field of good stone for shells, and has eaten several good crabs in the past.
- That seems like a big ask for a couple of low level PCs, so she also asks for help freeing her brethren from the Storm Shell. There are nightmare tales of a terrifying factory turning innocent crabs into meat.

--- Haunted Bisque
- Swan and Quint decide to do a bit of fishing upriver. Instead they find Topsy-Turvy Lilies, now evolved to be larger and with thorny edges. It doesn't stop the pair from flipping them over and harvesting artichoke-like bulbs on their undersides.
- They swap half of the bulbs for some preserved crab meat that Crabspeaker Johnny Snips keeps in reserve. It's fine though, this is ethically sourced crab meat from crabs who died of natural causes.
- They cook the remaining bulbs, the crab meat, and a glop of ectoplasm to create a Haunted Bisque. It's merely palatable. The smell does, however, start to attract some crabs, so the pair make a swift exit.

--- Knotsmen Again
- They return to where they saw the Knotsmen and surprisingly they're still there! The two boss Knotsmen are climbing out of a crack in the ground, helped by their manservant Eegor.
- Offered some Haunted Bisque, they speak! They live beneath the ground, so their eyes are weak. They sold their sons (one of them bends over in pain at these words) and their veins knot when they tell the truth of their existence...
- Eegor is not one of them, but bound to their service because they've tied his external intestines in a complicated knot. He can't digest food without it being untied, and so will die if his master dies. Quint touches his master and sees the memory of how to undo Eegor's belly knot.
- The masters, who refer to themselves as Fathers, eat some soup. Swan the Swift gives one of them the exploding bone from earlier. Quint grabs Eegor and they run! Behind them is a massive explosion. Gobbets of meat rain down from above.
- Once safe Quint un-knots Eegor's belly and gives him some soup. He thanks her greatly, and once he's finished she knots his stomach back up. He seems to think this is normal. Eegor the Henchman acquired!

Total: 7000 exp

- An exploding bone, already utilised.
- A man, hench.

Defeated Foes:
- Knotsmen, exploded (50 exp)

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 4 Barbarian: 9522 (Level up at 16000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +2 Barbarian Table rolls!
- Kitty / Liber Quint, Level 2 Bibliognost: 3525 (Level up at 4500)
DING! +1d6 HP! +1 Mana! +Free spell!

Friday, 4 June 2021



New Characters:
- Aemelius Princeps, the last Emperor of the Halfling Empire, finally returned from the moon.
- Celebus Uppytus, a Necromancer who was using his Necromantic abilities to debone chickens in the Ferfectory

New Backstory:
- Iskander accidentally killed a merchant by backing over him with a wagon and took over his fledgling trading company. Allies cannot be harmed by your fumbles.
- Swan the Swift fell off the longboat during a raid on Lindisfarne and discovered he loved the water! +1 Piloting


--- The Newbies Brought Snacks!
- In a lush and verdant landscape next to a screaming well, Iskander and Swan the Swift nurse their wounds. The Draugr last time turned out to be quite tough.
- They are hungry, and conveniently a couple of people with food have shown up with food! They are a Halfling in grandiose robes, and a Necromancer with a paper bag full of chicken burgers.
- They feast, and backstories are exchanged in return. Aemilius and Celebus are filled in on the dungeon down the well. Got to be some good stuff down there right?

- They climb down the well and snoop around further. Down a side corridor they find a model longship with tiny valuable model treasure in it. It looks very familiar to Swan the Swift and would be a perfect boat for a small person to ride about in.
- They take it to the entrance and explore further.
- In another room is a throne upon which sits an armoured skeleton. On the wall is a six-titted boar. On his throne are six boar-tits. I don't know why tits are the only descriptor in this module.
- The skeleton stands up and the ring on its finger glows, manifesting a massive greatsword! It bellows "I AM GORATH! DEFENDER OF THE FLAYED KING!" and loses initiative!
- Amelius shoots it in the head and Swan the Swift lobs a spear, both to little effect, as Iskander charges in and smashes the fuck out of Gorath with a heavy hammer! Celebus vomits up his own skeleton and discards his petty human flesh then charges into battle, getting immediately smashed to pieces by Gorath's sweeping greatsword!
- Amelius charges in on Police the Goat, critting Gorath in the chest and smashing him to pieces too!
- Celebus' skeleton xylophones back into shape and he stands up, pouring himself back into his skin.
- They grab the ring which allows the bearer to summon Gorath's cool ghost sword.

--- The Flayed King
- They enter the next room to find a skinned man chained to the back wall! His skin is nailed to the floor before him. He screams that he was cursed with knowledge, and anyone touching his skin will have their skin tear off too!
- Celebus, though out of Mana, declares that he will try casting Eject Skeleton again. The rest of the party quietly shut the door and wait outside. Wouldn't you know it, the spell goes wild! Luckily the spell still works, but his flesh is puking its guts up as a result.
- The others open the door to see Celebus shaking his skin out like a plastic bag full of vomit. It's quite the sight.
- The ploy pays off though, Celebus (or should that be Skelebus?) picks up the Fated King's skin no problem. He undoes the chains and kind of wriggles the King back into his skin. It's not attached or anything, so it's a bit like a flesh onesie. It hurts much less though so he's very grateful.
- He will allow each member of the party ONE QUESTION each, and duly gives over his knowledge. Celebus gains a spell, Iskander gains forbidden Dexterity techniques, Swan the Swift finds out how to improve his core Constitution, and the goat asks for the location of the most delicious paper.
- The Flayed King calls out to GORATH who is reforming outside. Despite being cursed with knowledge, he feels like an idiot for not getting his skeleton friend to help with his skin. It seems so obvious in hindsight!

- Gorath picks the King up by the scruff of the skin and slings him over his back. Everyone leaves the dungeon in good spirits! Gorath waves the party goodbye and sets off to wonder the wild world beyond the well.

--- New Moondin
- They head back into the Shell, the way behind them fuzzing over with static. Julgoor's bank has a multitude of Julgoor bank tellers. They take the loot gladly, and the party discover that once you've paid of your Obol debt any excess wealth comes in the form of Ferfect Fried Chicken coupons.

- They got to the Church of the Angel and find out from the priests that the 9G network is down! They haven't had direct contact with the Gods since Lockdown.
- The party check into a hotel and spend the night.
- The next morning they awaken and... it's the same day again? Again? Except things aren't the same, they've woken up in hotel beds this time, sometimes next to people who are waking up into the day again! Plus objects haven't been reset?
- There's a scream of "oh my god the hundred-human pie is still here!!" from the nearby Library-Colosseum.
- It all sounds a bit fucked so the party decide to head out to Kink which is hopefully much less fucked.

--- The Ghost Corporal
- They travel out of the Storm Shell once more and into an interminable heatwave. Insects buzz lazily through thorny shrubs, and larger insects swoop like swifts through the clouds of gnats. It's fucking boiling though, so the heavy armour wearers peel themselves out of their suits and drape them on the various horses and skeleton retainers they have on hand.
- As they travel they overhear a choir of angel voices singing in... English? That's new. They ignore them for now and keep going. After a time on the road they see a crumbling guard tower. Might as well check it out?
- A voice cries out as they approach, "who goes there!". It's the ghost of a soldier! Amelius distracts him by putting on airs while the others poke about. The soldier, a corporal, still thinks it's the time of the End War and that he's guarding the road from all sorts of nasties.
- Jackpot! There are 20 Iron Rations in the cupboard, emergency food that clearly nobody needs any more. Also outside in the stables are 3 animated skeleton horses. Result!
- All this stuff is duly nicked and the party continue on their merry way. Next stop Kink!

Total: 6000 exp

- Adorable miniature longship loot (1000 exp)
- A fancy six-titted throne (2000 exp)
- Ghostsword Ring lets you summon a ghostly Greatsword into your hands.
- 3 skeletal Steeds (3000 exp)
- 20 Iron Rations (200 exp)
Total: 6200 exp

- GORATH, smashed by hammer and goat, but later befriended. (250 exp)
Total: 250 exp

- Remembrancer: Charles (100 exp)
- Expedition Leader: George (100 exp)
- Quartermaster: Ollie (100 exp)
- Vanguard: George (100 exp)
- Triage: Timothy (100 exp)
- Chef: Timothy (100 exp)
- Art Attack: Charles (100 exp)
- Dead Character Exp Boost: Charles (1000 exp)

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 3 Barbarian: 5997 (Level up at 8000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +2 Barbarian Table rolls!
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 3 Fighter: 5897 (Level up at 8000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crit/fumble tables!
- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 2 Halfling: 3313 (Level up at 4000)
DING! +1d6 HP! +1 to Domination!
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 2 Necromancer: 4313 (Level up at 4500)
DING! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell!