Tuesday 27 February 2024

Session 366 - Brogi Gets Burnt

Date: 23 January

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Dead God

Date: 20 February

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Allfather

New Character:
- Andreas (?), Divinity's pot plant that has somehow gained sentience as a Brackling, also survived the poison as a Punishment Glutton in New Moondin. Clash in backstory explained by unreliable narrator.

New Backstory:
Divinity got in a fight with their potted plant, despite their friend trying to stop them. Once ever, an unidentified NPC here is your long-lost friend! Your choice if you've forgiven each other or not.
Hagen, despite having been entored by Vampdromeda, is no true vampire. Instead he is a poorly built dwarven Stone Son! He was cast out because he does not have the right kind of blood. On death, summon That Which Should Not Be.

Events:

--- DM Doom
- The DM forgets his keys at work and has to cycle back to get them.

My Bowels!
- Brogi is in pain. His bowels are extremely tight. This gut-based venereal disease an only be solved by grabbing some olive slime and bringing it to the chirurgeon.
- Ancient maps are revealed - Carter has an accurate map tracing the way from the elevator to the mountain's launch pad!
- They go up to level zero and discover the remnants of the angels. More importantly they see a load of weird plants. It's fine though, so they continue on.
- After several turns, a smell of olives! Could this be the olive slime?
- They open the door, see olive slime on floor, and oh no little spores. Brogi is playing his sphincter like a very small trumpet and good god do these mushroom men love the smell.
- Mushroom guys seem friendly yet attack - alas!
- Brogi gets mycelial tendrils all across his body but very specifically they do not penetrate him. It's not that kind of game.
- It transpires that killing mushroom men causes them to slowly respawn in the mycelium. Fine.
- During the combat, Aximander fireballs the fuck out of the mushroom men then takes a big glob of olive gunk and retreats.
- Brogi, set  alight by Aximander's pyroclastic attack, decides to run in and kill the last mushroom man. It works! Alas, his skin burns off.

--- Please Give Me Skin
- Olive slime in hand, the crew return to the safety of the first level. The chirurgeon says he can salve the butt stuff, but can't replace skin. Again, alas.
- Luckily Jonathon Toast (a normal guy) is here! He picks up Brogi in one massive hand and conveys him to the medical level. Brogi is to have his skin replaced. In the mean time, a plant occurs.

--- Return to the Lower Floor
- The goal remains the same - go deep, find a god, launch it into orbit.
- They take the recently cleared lift. Divinity, beset by a bit of fungal infection, smites it out of her system.
- They exit the lift onto the fourth floor, as low as they can go, and explore.
- Behind a door they find a room with four pillars - two white and two black. Messing with them they discover that they can make blinding white ambient light, pitch blackness, and a strobe. The next room, when lit properly, has a whole list of Roman Emperor names ending at Theodosius. Interesting? Perhaps.
- They all meet a trustworthy plant who collapses out of a terrarium. It's Divinity's pot  plant given shape and form and mind! Somehow! 

--- Dead Emperor
- They continue down the long corridor and try another door. Behind this is a purple-robed and purple-skinned man on an altar. Other rooms branch forth.
- The figure arises! He speaks Latin! Luckily at least two people were public schooled enough to know Latin, Hagan among them! Hagan speaks to him... and is told that his God the Old Miner is a BEAST who created the Dwarves! Hagan is pissed off and attacks!
- The purple man declares himself  to be Velusian and his visage is fearsome! Fearsome enough that several people flee the room! He than moves to strangulate those who remain!
Worse, he summons zombie legionnaires! They stride out of a side room, hands reaching for necks!
- It transpires that Velusian is immune to mundane weapons, and battle is joined!
- Sydney blasts their Sudden Siege Engine spell down the line of zombie legionaries and kills almost all of them! Velusian attacks with vengeance in his eyes. Alas, Sydney cannot cast spells while being choked by a purple mummy.
- Combat continues. There is GOOD LOOT in the attached chamber, but it is also guarded by further bastards.
- We break for time. The pub is closing. Next time we shall discover whether anyone survives.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:
Mushroom Friends, slain (400 exp)
- Lots of zombies, kebabbed (200 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 119791 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 58887 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 14822 (Level up at 16000)
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 3 Battle-Cleric: 7635 (Level up at 9000)
- Tom / Andreas, Level 1 Brackling: 1420 (Level up at 2000)

Tuesday 20 February 2024

Session 365 - Carouse Merrily Until You See Jonathon Toast

Date: 20 February

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Allfather

New Character:
- Andreas (?), Divinity's pot plant that has somehow gained sentience as a Brackling, also survived the poison as a Punishment Glutton in New Moondin. Clash in backstory explained by unreliable narrator.

New Backstory:
- Divinity got in a fight with their potted plant, despite their friend trying to stop them. Once ever, an unidentified NPC here is your long-lost friend! Your choice if you've forgiven each other or not.
- Hagen, despite having been entored by Vampdromeda, is no true vampire. Instead he is a poorly built dwarven Stone Son! He was cast out because he does not have the right kind of blood. On death, summon That Which Should Not Be.

Events:

--- DM Doom
- The DM forgets his keys at work and has to cycle back to get them.

- My Bowels!
- Brogi is in pain. His bowels are extremely tight. This gut-based venereal disease an only be solved by grabbing some olive slime and bringing it to the chirurgeon.
- Ancient maps are revealed - Carter has an accurate map tracing the way from the elevator to the mountain's launch pad!
- They go up to level zero and discover the remnants of the angels. More importantly they see a load of weird plants. It's fine though, so they continue on.
- After several turns, a smell of olives! Could this be the olive slime?
- They open the door, see olive slime on floor, and oh no little spores. Brogi is playing his sphincter like a very small trumpet and good god do these mushroom men love the smell.
- Mushroom guys seem friendly yet attack - alas!
- Brogi gets mycelial tendrils all across his body but very specifically they do not penetrate him. It's not that kind of game.
- It transpires that killing mushroom men causes them to slowly respawn in the mycelium. Fine.
- During the combat, Aximander fireballs the fuck out of the mushroom men then takes a big glob of olive gunk and retreats.
- Brogi, set  alight by Aximander's pyroclastic attack, decides to run in and kill the last mushroom man. It works! Alas, his skin burns off.

--- Please Give Me Skin
- Olive slime in hand, the crew return to the safety of the first level. The chirurgeon says he can salve the butt stuff, but can't replace skin. Again, alas.
- Luckily Jonathon Toast (a normal guy) is here! He picks up Brogi in one massive hand and conveys him to the medical level. Brogi is to have his skin replaced. In the mean time, a plant occurs.

--- Return to the Lower Floor
- The goal remains the same - go deep, find a god, launch it into orbit.
- They take the recently cleared lift. Divinity, beset by a bit of fungal infection, smites it out of her system.
- They exit the lift onto the fourth floor, as low as they can go, and explore.
- Behind a door they find a room with four pillars - two white and two black. Messing with them they discover that they can make blinding white ambient light, pitch blackness, and a strobe. The next room, when lit properly, has a whole list of Roman Emperor names ending at Theodosius. Interesting? Perhaps.
- They all meet a trustworthy plant who collapses out of a terrarium. It's Divinity's pot  plant given shape and form and mind! Somehow! 

--- Dead Emperor
- They continue down the long corridor and try another door. Behind this is a purple-robed and purple-skinned man on an altar. Other rooms branch forth.
- The figure arises! He speaks Latin! Luckily at least two people were public schooled enough to know Latin, Hagan among them! Hagan speaks to him... and is told that his God the Old Miner is a BEAST who created the Dwarves! Hagan is pissed off and attacks!
- The purple man declares himself  to be Velusian and his visage is fearsome! Fearsome enough that several people flee the room! He than moves to strangulate those who remain!
- Worse, he summons zombie legionnaires! They stride out of a side room, hands reaching for necks!
- It transpires that Velusian is immune to mundane weapons, and battle is joined!
- Sydney blasts their Sudden Siege Engine spell down the line of zombie legionaries and kills almost all of them! Velusian attacks with vengeance in his eyes. Alas, Sydney cannot cast spells while being choked by a purple mummy.
- Combat continues. There is GOOD LOOT in the attached chamber, but it is also guarded by further bastards.
- We break for time. The pub is closing. Next time we shall discover whether anyone survives.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:
-
Mushroom Friends, slain (400 exp)
- Lots of zombies, kebabbed (200 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 119791 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 58887 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 14822 (Level up at 16000)
- Tom / Brogi Grumblebelch, Level 4 Dwarven Skald: 8235 (Level up at 16000)
Level Up! +1 Level in the class of your choice!
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 3 Battle-Cleric: 7635 (Level up at 9000)














Tuesday 23 January 2024

Session 364 - This Badge Gives Me the Right to Loot

Date: 16 January

Moon: Waxing Crescent
Zenith: The Scorned


New Characters:
- Brogi, a Dwarven singer who sings beautifully but otherwise sounds like a skyrim NPC. Beardless, moustachio'd, and subtly influenced to leave Mt Grumblebelch by the Idea of Wheat.
- Divinity, a Battle Cleric from the Vatican on the hunt for the weird little guy who killed her aunt and uncle. She doesn't realise that the murderer was the recently retired Odo Grumblebelch.

New Backstory:
- Jojo's loyal retainer Barry died during the trip back from the Vatican. With his dying breaths he told Jojo a terrible truth - he is/was/will be her father! Shocked and rethinking her life, she retires to create a yoga studio in the Wheatlands. +1 Wis

Returning Characters:
- Hagan the Heretic, returning after being left behind in the Drudge Wastes. It took months for him to chase down Jonathon Toast.



Events:

--- Return to Dwimmermount
- The party collapse out of the milky portal from the Christmas Special and back into Dwimmermount - safe and sound albeit with a couple of new party members! Mysteriously, despite never having met anyone before, they are trusted implicitly.
- They continue on, their mission the same as before the magical trip to the Vatican - find the ninth god Eris who is buried deep within Dwimmermount, reactivate her, and send her up into orbit so she can complete the orbital defence network.
- Aximander smashes a window and seizes some bleeding mushrooms.

--- Brogi's Mad New Brooch
- New guy Brogi forges ahead. He sees a strange mural and briefly goes mad. He has to be held down until he snaps out of it.
- The others walk through the room shielding their eyes, and head through another door.
- Divinity invokes the Blessings of the Nine and gives everyone a little buff courtesy of The Scorned.
- Inside the room is a big well and a thin walkway around the side. There's a lever on the other side, and glooping from within the pit.
- Divinity uses her whip to pull the level, revealing a gold case! Brogi sneaks round, nearly falls in, and makes his way to the case. Within is a Star Trek style pin. It talks to him like a bad Alexa!
- Brogi comes back as quickly as possible, luckily he's quick enough to avoid the curling tendril of the black pudding that lives in the pit!

--- Big Treasure!
- The next room has bubbles containing a glowing gas. Brogi's brooch chimes and informs the bubbles not to attack an authorised bearer of a brooch. Brogi is free to continue!
- A locked door opens as he approaches, also verified by the brooch. Inside is mad treasure! He's the only one who can get in here! He loads up his handcart with delicious loot!
- He takes it all back out, and Aximander uses his trader-elf powers to inspect the loot. Good thing too, because some of the items are cursed! Selling, losing or otherwise divesting oneself of various items will cause you to halve your intelligence!

--- Buff Rats
- While this is all going on, some ratmen arrive! Their eyes widen at the loot and scurry over to get some!
- Sydney cloudkills one of them, and nearly kills his new low-level friends too! Divinity and Brogi flee the poison gas! The others butcher the last ratman.
- The casting was hurried and nearly went awry, Sydney is now surrounded by an aura of intense plant growth!

--- Go Speed Racer!
- Divinity is on Brogi's handcart. They burst through a door and run into a bunch of swole bipedal unicorn guys! The unicorn men are amazed at this treasure turning up, and ask them to "share".
- Brogi instead FLEES! There is an insane chase scene as Brogi manages to zoom off, zipping down corridors and getting thoroughly lost in what turns out to be a teleportation maze!
- They escape handily, but they're now lost in the dungeon...

--- Follow the Tracks
- The others, none the wiser, have gotten past the gas bubbles and are attempting to follow the tyre tracks left by Brogi. They swiftly surmise that there's a teleportation puzzle afoot.
- Nevertheless, with a bit of luck and a bit of Guiding Lights from Aximander, they meet back up!
- Divinity has already investigated - there's a familiar croaking sound as of frog monsters through a bulkhead door... but that will have to wait for next time!

Total: 7000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
- 2 ratmen and their rats (50 exp)


Treasures Acquired:
- Alexa badge.
- Gold laquered box for said badge (300 exp)
- 9000 obols in old roman coins (9000 exp)
- Amethyst (500 exp)
- Silver necklace (500 exp)
- Gem-inlaid iron ring with Terms Termax face (1500 exp)
- Statue of a female cleric (2000 exp)
Total: 13800 exp


Exp Totals: 

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 116626 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 55022 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 10957 (Level up at 16000)
- Tom / Brogi Grumblebelch, Level 3 Dwarven Skald: 4270 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 2 Battle-Cleric: 4270 (Level up at 4500)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Faith! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 toSaves! +Backstory!

Tuesday 16 January 2024

KILL THE POPE Christmas Special: Final Season - THE FINAL CHAPTERS - Special Part 2

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh
Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim


Events:

--- Start As You Mean to Go On
- We open in the Pope's bedroom. Grogg Greedy, absent the player, is in a quantum state beneath the bed. Jojo is atop it, confusing a seduced Cardinal - Father Boswick. Odo is stuffing valuables into her beard, including a pope hat. Deletion is feeding magic mushrooms to the birds.
- Elsewhere, Sydney is hiding in the Popemobile. They just found some flashcards to complete the ritual in the bench they're hiding in.
- To everyone's surprise, Aximander is here too! He appears at the door and sliiiides under the bed because the Pope himself is coming! Father Boswick and Jojo hide under there too, and Deletion crawls in too after briefly considering posing as a statue. Good thing it's a big bed!
- Odo, finally getting round to unlocking her next Dwarven Lorebond, chokes Boswick to death with her beard. Deletion begins to digest him.
- While that happens, two of the huge guards show up! Behind them is the Ennean Pope himself! I mishear "Pope Urbanus" as "Pope Obamus" and the Pope now speaks in a nice baritone and loves drone strikes.
- A priest, Father Lupin, obsequiously follows behind and notes that the spare pope hat is gone.
- Odo swiftly chucks the hat up onto the bed while nobody is looking. Father Lupin sees it, takes it, looks down, and sees the people under the bed. Jojo fakes Boswick's voice and says it's just an orgy!
- Father Lupin hides a smile and asks the Pope to join him on a stroll round the garden. They leave with the guards.

--- Just a Quick Snoop
- Odo's heart pulses. Ancient genetic locks open. The lore-fetters in her Dwarven soul cracks open further. Her fingers twitch, and the stuff she stashed in her beard falls out as she weaves her beard anew into the War-Beard!
- The others look on appreciatively. It's very nicely plaited, intricate, and somehow intimidating.
- Deletion emerges in the form of Father Boswick. Something tickles in his mind... a door behind the wardrobe! He opens it, and the embers of Boswick's memories let him find the hidden latch. Beyond is a nice room overlooking the city and museum. A silver staff of office is just lying there! He grabs it.
- Aximander is sitting on a shelf, since he's an Elf and it's purportedly still Christmas. Odo sprinkles holy water on a poisoned apple she has (holy water being catnip for popes I guess?) - she calls it Pomme de Pope Morte and calls it a recipe. Who am I to deny this becoming a proper meal?
- Jojo prepares Polymorph Elf so she can turn Aximander into the Pope if necessary.

--- Pope Obamus Returns
- The Pope returns after destabilising north Africa and questions the elf on the shelf. Deletion signals to attack! Odo grabs the Pomme de Pope Morte, attempts to throw it into the Pope's mouth... and fumbles. Odo eats the apple!
- Deletion, in Father Boswick form, steps forward as if to protect the Pope. Psych! He mutates his arm into the paralytic touch attack and flails at the Pope! Pope Obamus falls, knocking his head on the nightstand.
- Deletion eats the Pope.
- Deletion transforms into the Pope.
- Deletion, a hardcore protestant, suddenly realises that he's becomes the thing he hates the most!
- Deletion's self-loathing grows as he ordains the others. Time to replace the Pope in the parade!

--- Switcheroo Switch-Up!
- Sydney is still in the Popemobile, the only person (so far as they know) with a plan. Wait until the Pope enters, summon an extradimensional portal to their extradimensional flat, drag the Pope inside, and replace him in the Popemobile wearing the spare clothes! Perfect!
- The Pope enters the Popemobile. There is a clunk as two enormous guards grasp the front of the carriage and begin pulling it out of the stable.
- Sydney pops out and GRABS the Pope and THROWS him into the Safe Space flat!
- There is a cry of "what the hell it's me!" as Deletion-Pope crashes into the living room onto his favourite chair!

--- Ritual Completion
- The others, who are acting as a sort of honour guard, use the party's incredibly detailed system of winks, tiny hand signals, and mouth twitches to teamchat to Sydney the situation. That's Deletion-Pope down there! Sydney-Pope grimaces but continues the charade, there are crowds after all!
- They go all the way to the Basilica, and Sydney-Pope exits towards the doors. But what's this? Deletion-Pope is there too! And who's that? Aximander-Pope, transformed by Jojo's magic!
- It's a Christmas miracle! Somehow they blag it!

--- The Idea of Wheat
- Atop the Vatican balcony, final words for the ritual ready to go, there is sudden debate. What do they replace the Idea of Thorns with? What's the funniest, most interesting and/or most narratively satisfying?
- They go with, after much debate, the Idea of Wheat!
- It inverts the Thorns philosophy of anti-civilisation, instead instilling a drive for agrarian development and natural hierarchies. Repairing the world and allowing the party's ultimate quest to begin - the goal of transforming the Earth into a generic Tolkeinesque fantasy setting.
- They speak the words, and the world changes! Aximander-Pope releases Dancing Lights and the crowd cheers uncomprehending as the Idea of Thorns, spread so far by Gifflewim, becomes the Idea of Wheat!

--- The Last Treasures
- Gifflewim appears out of sight to congratulate them, and helps grab the Maleficum Demonorium buried within the balcony, which contains the secret names of all demons.
- Since they're all popes, they can access the treasury! Much coin is stuffed into pockets!
- The milk portal opens... but Deletion-Pope doesn't come through. He is going to stay on as the only Pope. He has finally become the negation of the Deletion. As Pope, he will reform and undermine the faith from within.
- The others drift into the milk portal, kicking Odo Grumblebelch out on the way. She's retiring too, back to Mt Grumblebelch. A bittersweet milky parting.
- The rest are deposited back where they started, deep inside Dwimmermount, ready to continue their quest!

Total: 8000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
-
Pope Obamus II (20 exp)
Total: 20 exp


Treasures Acquired:
- Tons of treasure from the treasury (25000 exp)
- Silver Staff of Office (1500 exp)
- Pope Hat (400 exp)
Total: 26 900 exp


Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 112356 (Level up at 144000)
- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 7 Muscle Wizard: 76176 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 50752 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 27847 (Level up at 36000)
- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 23266 (Level up at 32000)















Session 362 - KILL THE POPE Christmas Special

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh
Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim


New Backstory:
- Grogg Greedy was starving, and in an apparent act of generosity offered bread to a beggar. Alas, it was to tempt the beggar into an alley where Grogg devoured him. Gain max healing when you eat to heal.
- Deletion Snels figuratively burnt Styx's house down when he released a virus into the Fate mainframe. Enemies you light on fire start off at 2d4 damage.


Events:

--- The Milky Magic of Christmas
- Deep beneath Dwimmermount, holding loot, in the midst of a dungeon delve, our heroes are preparing to go deeper into the dungeon.
- But it's Christmas Eve!
- Before them a portal full of milk opens up and starts dripping all over the floor! A familiar face pokes its head out from the portal - Gifflewim! He tells them - "Come on guys, no time to explain! We've got to kill the pope!"
- This is a dream come true for fantasy-protestant Deletion Snels.
- They enter the portal and Gifflewim explains the problem - the Pope is enacting a ritual wherein he will use papal magic to replace the Idea of Thorns with the Ninefold Idea. This will make the Nine High Gods aspects of him. The Pope will be the ultimate god above all gods!
- Kill the Pope and this can be stopped. Kidnap the Pope, however, and you will be able to replace the Thorns with something else...
- Why can't he do this himself? Unfortunately the Vatican is designed to contain a vast multitude of intelligent artifacts, captured godlike and/or god-adjacent entities, entities mistaken for gods etc etc. Gifflewim is such an entity, and... also many of those entities have their own issues with him.
- The portal opens up on the outskirts of the Vatican, portal-milk already attracted a bunch of stray cats. Gifflewim passes out a few florins to the party and tells them they have two days! The ritual finishes at the Urbi et Orbi on Christmas Day, so kill or kidnap him before then!

--- Vatican Christmas Village
- There's snow everywhere and a whole Christmas village set up on the outskirts of Vatican City. Red birds flit through the christmas trees, and people are making merry! They approach and notice huge guards with great-hammers in sealed red armour patrolling, the crowds going silent as they draw near.
- Strangely enough, despite speaking a multitude of different languages, everyone can understand each other!
Sydney goes off off to a civil admin building to start working on the heist. Odo runs off to the Vatican art gallery, while the others head towards the classic christmas market bar selling overpriced mulled wines
- They overhear various conversations, including that the Swiss Guard are dangerous and cannot be bought, the priests are venal and corrupt, and the Vatican is built over and inside a vast Ophanim angel fallen to Earth.
- Also the calendars are reset from noon on Christmas Eve to sunrise the next day. During this time the Gods cannot see one's sins, and thus all is permitted. Less "Purge" and more general debauchery vibes.

--- Shenanigans Ensue
- Odo is in the art gallery discovering paintings of Aspects of the Nine High Gods. Nonanism claims all deities as its own, rendering any foreign gods as Aspects. This is borne out in the paintings, where there have been careful alterations made to show this.
- He tells a bored-looking museum guard that he saw someone casting Photograph on a painting! The guard says that it's impossible, spellcasting attracts the red birds.
- He goes to the gift shop and meets the busty salesperson, whose description summons Grogg Greedy from afar.
- He perturbs her enough to make her call a manager. Grogg goes round the corner, waylays the manager, and throws him back into the staff room. He eats the manager and becomes him.
- Odo buys a very anachronistic statuette of the Old Grump and quietly leaves.
- Later, Grogg in his manager guise returns and tries to seduce the salesperson to little effect.

--- Meanwhile, Shenanigans Ensue
- Over at the bar, a tangled web of relationships starts to unspool. The barman and his wife own the bar, and it's manned by their children. The wife is cheating on the husband, but reveals to Jojo (half-naked, allegedly mugged) that she wants a divorce. To save her own reputation she wants Jojo to seduce her husband, get "caught", and do a divorce reversal.
- Jojo duly attempts this, but dude isn't interested.
- However, at this point Odo shows up! Turns out that the barman is an aficionado of Dwarven gender and spots the subtle signs that she's a woman. She walks up, slaps him on the arse, and asks for a shag. He's painfully aroused, and suggests Cardinal Gomstead's house because he knows that the cardinal's busy today.
- They scurry off, leaving the bartending to the children. His wife follows gleefully.

--- The Heist Begins
- Alone, Sydney has left the civil admin building with a variety of information about the parade route, exit points, blind spots, and guard schedules. They head for the stables where the parade will begin.
- Amid the festivities, it's easy to slip into the stables. The Popemobile is open and unlocked, and clearly intended to be pulled by two huge Swiss Guards. Conveniently the bench in there opens up! It's even got spare papal robes! Sydney slides in, ready to replace the Pope when he arrives...

--- Elsewhere, Further Shenanigans
- In Cardinal Gomstead's empty house, Odo and the barman are attempting to get it on. Unfortunately for both, the barman admits that he's never actually cheated and wants to make his wife jealous because he knows she's been cheating on him! After some persuasion, he's ready to actually give it a go.
- She ties him up and blindfolds him while seductively putting various valuable items into her beard.
- Suddenly, here's the wife! How unexpected! She cries false tears and Odo, knowing the truth about who's cheating on who... kills her!
- A crimson bird flutters to the window and looks in.
- Jojo busts in and performatively begins CPR - totally an accident mister bird! Totally!
- More birds arrive, they jostle for space on the windowsill.
- Jojo heads out the front door and is confronted by one of the Swiss Guards. The birds flutter around him, landing on shoulders and helmet.
- Inside, Odo dives out the window. The birds follow. She's heading for St Peter's Basilica, straight for a confession booth. Behind... the red-armoured Swiss Guard implacably turns to follow.

--- Sir Ratigan
- Grogg, Jojo and Deletion have met up at the art gallery. There is a covered bridge that goes across to the fallen angel that makes up the Vatican.
- There are guards, and Jojo has already discovered that the head guard is a Ratman called Sir Ratigan who guards the Vatican. Grogg, in his manager guise, brings him a coffee and introduces Deletion Snels as a new guard. Just hired, you see.
- Sir Ratigan says that there's a hazing ritual - new recruits must enter the Vatican naked. Deletion does so, to snickers, but the door is opened anyway! Inside, a ritual is indeed being prepared.
- Sir Ratigan gets suspicious of Grogg's disguise when he can't remember some recent events.
- Luckily Jojo is here! She attempts to seduce Sir Ratigan... and is again rejected. She's getting quite self-conscious now. She's a beautiful woman! Why can't she seduce anyone!?

- Forgive me Father
- Odo busts into a confessional booth and hurriedly begins recounting her sins. She just killed a woman in someone's house and stole all the valuables. Please, father, forgive me.
-He says that all sins are forgiven during Christmastide, but out of interest, which house was it?
- She replies that it was Cardinal Gomstead's house... and the priest bellows with rage! HE is Father Gomstead and those were HIS valuables and HIS nice carpet!
- A huge muscular arm bursts through the screen, red feather quills emerging haphazardly! It grasps Odo around the throat and throws her from the confessional!
- She flees, the Cardinal growing more monstrous behind her, and runs into the Swiss Guard who was lurking outside!
- But what's this? That symbol...
- Due to backstory nonsense, the Swiss Guard is actually part of the Yawning Eye secret society that Odo is also part of! Convenient! The guard's armour peels back, red birds fly out, and it closes around her. Through the cracks in the armour she sees Cardinal Gomstead, enraged, searching for her. The armour waits for him to leave, then strides towards the art gallery and the rest of the party.

--- The Pope's Bedroom
- Back at the covered bridge to the Vatican, Jojo is trying to fight Sir Ratigan for rejecting her! Odo shows up inside the armour and is disgorged. Odo says that she's here to take Jojo in!
- Sir Ratigan isn't having it, and after a series of further shenanigans tries to get them thrown into the jail cells just inside the Vatican. Instead, they knock Sir Ratigan out and throw him in there! Manager-Grogg takes the armour.
- The explore the Vatican, itself built inside and over the quiescent mechanical angel. They come across a Cardinal inside an inner chapel. He questions why the manager is here, and in armour at that.
- He tells them that the catacombs filled with Low Gods and demons are below, completely unguarded. This is because they will tear you to shreds. They are trapped down there, unable to escape above a certain point.
- Jojo says she wants to sleep with the Cardinal in the Pope's bed. Finally, the seduction works! This venal Cardinal will take them all up there because he's a freak!
- They reach the bedroom and find a grand four-poster in an opulent room. The red cardinal birds are flying in and out of the open windows, partaking of the bird feeders hanging around the room. The Cardinal himself looks at Jojo lasciviously.

--- Final Positions:
- Jojo throws the Cardinal onto the bed. She straddles him... but her invisible armour prevents him from getting any further.
- Grogg, anticipating the Pope's eventual return, slides under the bed. The sounds above make his forehead turgid.
- Deletion feeds some alleged "magic mushrooms" he found to the birds, they begin acting very strangely.
- Odo, wearing her carefully braided Storage Beard, loots the fuck out of papal suite!

--- Wasn't This Meant to Be a Heist?
- And under a pile of spare Pope garb, inside the seat in the Popemobile, Sydney waits for their chance to strike. Surely the rest of the party is in position... right?

Total: 1200 exp



Enemies Defeated:
- The barman's wife (0 exp)
- The art gallery manager (0 exp)
- Sir Ratigan (10 exp)
Total: 10 exp


Treasures Looted:
- 1130 florins-worth of assorted valuables (1130 exp)
- The Stole of Shouting
Total: 1130 exp


Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 105372 (Level up at 144000)
- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 69192 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 20863 (Level up at 36000)
- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 16282 (Level up at 32000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond +Backstory
- Charles / Grogg Greedy, Level 4 Inheritor: 10812 (Level up at 18000)









Tuesday 5 December 2023

Session 361 - Grogg's Near Death Experience

Date: 28 November

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: Alaunus





Events:

--- Greg Guzzled
- Deletion Snels looks upon Greg, the clanking Azoth refinery in the depths of Dwimmermount who was brought to life with Sydney's Animate Furnishings spell. He looks... hungry?
- Indeed, since Greg has been given life he is now technically a creature, and Inheritors eat creatures.
- Before Sydney's horrified eyes, Deletion and Grogg Greedy take big rocks and smash the poor clanking machine to pieces to "kill" it. The machine begs for its life, staring directly into Sydney's eyes. Sydney... looks away.
- Ten minutes of data-digestion later, and Deletion Snels now has a mechanical belly, pipes bending out of strange places. In that belly he can digest Azoth and turn it into more interesting things. Sydney consoles themself by at least marking down all the possible outcomes, from Alkahest to Panchrest.

--- Frog Despawn
- The team decide to go back into the frogman-infested waters of the rest of the level and see what happened to the iron summoning circle that originally let in the ocean. It was previously transmuted to magma by Sydney so they want to see if that wrecked it once it turned back.
- They go into the Goboblin room, open the doors to let the water in, and their bubble-helms slide over their heads so they can breathe! They swim unmolested through several waterlogged rooms and make their way to the frog chamber.
- They peek in... and the circle is broken! Several horrible four-eyed frog people are doing something to the ring, presumably repairing it. They debate what to do, until Sydney throws in an underwater Cloudkill spell!
- The frogs choke and die as the cloud drifts through the currents... and acid-burns the skins of the captured Dwarves chained to the wall! Sydney winces - they had forgotten about those Dwarves.
- Once the cloud has dissipated, Grogg and Deletion swim in to loot the room. They find a toad-made underwater Flash Bomb and a scroll of Speak With Locks written on fish-skin. The Dwarves were being kept alive by having their heads sealed in baroque metal spheres, so Grogg grabs one of those. It's got a tube that goes all the way down your throat, but it keeps you breathing.
- Sydney gets them all to get out of the room and activates the Decay rune they've drawn on the summoning ring, and another pointed at the hypnotic ceiling. It works! The metal degrades until it's non-functional, and the bright glowing paint on the ceiling loses its hypnotic lustre.

--- Statue Chase
- With the portal to the deep ocean disabled and the frogs guarding it destroyed, they decide that it's time to drain this dungeon!
- They head along an unexplored passage and find one that's guarded with a green symbol. The tiny porthole in the door shows that there's no water on the other side! Dry land!
- They open the door and SPLASH! They are thrown through by the force of the water! Grogg struggles to his feet and slams the door closed against the water pressure, impressively strong.
- There is a sound of downward-rushing water and the water level in this room quickly drops to ankle-height. The room itself is some sort of chapel, although the pews have been jostled into the walls by the water. At one end of the room, behind the pews, is a big blue curtain. At the other is a big statue of Dispater.
- Grogg touches the curtain and the statue booms "Stay away from the curtain! Stay away from the halls of lesser secrets!"
- Grogg pulls the curtain aside, revealing recently drenched stairs, and the statue animates! It's fast, and Grogg is rapidly pummelled by huge stone fists!
- He regrets his life choices and flees!
- The statue is too fast though, and quickly catches up to Grogg on the stairwell. It smashes Grogg right in the arm and something cracks in his arm! It hangs limply at his side, and in a last-ditch attempt to escape he throws the basket containing the dancing bone snake!
- Against the odds, it works! The statue and the bone snake are dancing together, giving him a chance to flee with his arm crunching strangely under the skin.
- Sydney catches up to him at the bottom of the stairs and heals him in time to prevent death. But where's Deletion?
- During the chase he managed to double back and find himself in the chapel where they started! He turns to see the statue returning, menacingly stalking towards him...
- Sydney thinks quickly - is Deletion Snels not at least part-object now? They snap-cast Call Object... and Deletion appears in their hand! Deletion starts to thank Sydney... and sees them having a cosmic seizure. When it ends Sydney finds that they are now wiser... but less intelligent and charismatic.

--- The Halls of Lesser Secrets
- With all that said and done they're now at least on a lower level. Grogg holds in sobs as he touches his tender arm. The water here is knee-high and bitterly cold, so it's good they've got their silver suits on.
- The walls here are punctuated by glass terrariums containing interesting plants. An androgynous and featureless statue is on a plinth. They approach it warily, but all that happens is it yells "Micma!". Nobody knows what Micma means though.
- Deletion, naturally, smashes the nearest terrarium and grabs whatever's inside. It's a tiny mushroom-headed goblin! He licks his lips.
- Grogg really looks pale, and Sydney remembers that he's got that Panchrest - allegedly a panacea for all ills - hidden in the medicine cabinet in his extradimensional flat.
- No time for that though! A horrible croaking comes from down the corridor, and a bevy of frog monsters hop towards the party!
- Sydney casts Sydney's Sudden Siege Engine and blasts a ballista bolt down the corridor! It nails two frogs and heavily wounds the other two!
- Deletion holds one off, resisting its poisonous bite, as Sydney digs deep and lets loose a Magic Missile! There is a Chaos Burst that only increases the power, adding fire! The frogs are all extremely dead.
- Low on Mana, Sydney at least casts Sydney's Safe Space a foot above the water level and heaves themself into the front door. Shouting down, they insist that any frog butchery be done outside the flat. It is mostly successful, and results in slightly fewer frog innards staining the doormat.

--- Frog's Legs
- Inside the flat, Sydney grabs the Panchrest from a secret place in the medicine cabinet. They're strangely reluctant to part with the vial of cure-all, but Grogg will need weeks of recovery otherwise unless he steals the "working arm" ability from some creature or other.
- They wipe the jelly onto Grogg's arm... and it works! The bone underneath begins to heal and reknit!
- In celebration, Grogg cooks up "Grogg's Frog". It's frog monster legs, deep-fried in olive oil, with a little fried neandergoblin to go on top. It's tasty! Also importantly, nobody gets sick from frog monster meat!



- Grogg examines the helmet he took from the dead Dwarf earlier. It's fully enclosed, the long frog-intestine tube ending with a strange anemone is intended to go down into the stomach.
- He breaks it off the helmet and swallows it down his throat. It's nauseating, but he can breathe with it! 

--- Secret Treasure
- The next morning, before heading back out, Sydney casts Blessing of the Nine on the others. Since it's Alaunus' week that's +2 to melee attacks for all!
- They explore, finding that the doors on this level are a sort of thick frosted glass that shifts to the side like a screen door. They slide shut on their own unless propped open.
- They can hear chittering beyond one such door and open that. The chittering stops, but they find four glass pillars holding up the ceiling of a circular room. Letters A, E, P and T are inscribed.
- The Rust Monster drops on them from above! Grogg Greedy level-drains it with his wight power, but its feelers brush against Snels' armour and begins to rust it! Deletion Snels retaliates with his carrion crawler tentacles to immediately stun it! 
- After a short debate, they kill it. Sydney carves out some of its head to experiment with. Grogg doesn't want the rust ability, so harvests it for rations.
- There is some experimentation with the pillars until Grogg spells PATE. It works! A secret side door opens, revealing a treasure room!

--- Treasure Even Though Charles Is Here!?
- Inside they find several chests, coffers, and similar treasure depositories!
- There's 4000ob in old money and 50 gold pieces of an ancient make.
- There are also some very racist ancient magical object. A bag created from a shrunken goblin head can tell you who a goblins' hobgoblin parent is. A dagger made from a blade clutched in a mummified goblin hand glows in goblin presence, might make you attack goblins even if you don't want to, and hurting a goblin does the same damage to its hobgoblin! Clearly artifacts of some sort of anti-goblin war.
- Well satisfied with the loot, we will return next week... with the Christmas Special!


Total: 8000 exp



Foes:
- 4 frog monsters (200 exp)
Total: 200 exp


Treasures:
-
4000 pre-apocalypse silver coins (4000 exp)
- 50 ancient gold coins (2500 exp)
- Goblin-Seeker Dagger
- Shrunken Goblin Head Bag
- Underwater Flash Bomb
- Scroll of Speak With Locks
- Breathing Anemone Tube Thing
Total: 6500 exp


OOC:
- Carter the Chronicler and Expedition Leader (200 exp)
- George the Cartogeorger and Vanguard (200 exp)
- Charles the Paymaster and Chef (200 exp)
- Art Attack (500 exp)
- AI Attack (500 exp)


Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 104704 (Level up at 144000)
- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 19695 (Level up at 36000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Capacity! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
- Charles / Grogg Greedy, Level 4 Inheritor: 9644 (Level up at 18000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Capacity! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

Tuesday 28 November 2023

Session 360 - Sweet Sweet Azoth

Date: 21 November

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Dead God


New Backstory:
- Deletion Snels met with the gods via secret uplink, they gave him their blessing to kill the false god Terms Termax. When you make a deal with an adversary, gain +1 on reaction rolls for the rest of the session.


Events:

--- Punching Drywall
- We begin in a familiar place - the waterlogged bowels of Dwimmermount. Deletion Snels is busy digesting a giant frog monster and gaining its ability to breathe underwater.
- Conveniently for all involved, Jojo is here with her Passwall spell! She heads past the globoblin and punches a hole straight through the wall, granting everyone access to the big lake of Azoth beyond!
- It's black and sparkly like the night sky, a wide lake of glugging black mercury. Of course they grab a bucketful!
- A strange greenish rainbow light starts building up deeper in the lake. They flee before the big lamprey-mouthed monster can get to them.

--- Experimental Machine
- They take this pure Azoth to the mysterious machine in a room of the dungeon. Sydney discovers that the pure stuff is almost actively neutral. Magic just slides right off.
- Various straws and bits unfurl from the machine and slurp from the bucket of Azoth, filling up the bowl! There is a big dial on the front with six settings, but it keeps reverting to the top option.
- It's taking ages. Sydney decides to animate the machine with their Animate Furnishings spell, and brings forth the gregarious soul of the machine! It explains that it's a bit broken, it can only consistently do Refined Azoth. Anything else is a bit of a pot luck.
- Since it's going to take a few more hours, Sydney summons their Safe Space and everyone troops into the flat to wait out the remainder. Spooky shadow stuff occurs out the front door.

--- Book Learnin'
- There's plenty of time to kill, so they hit the books! Sydney grabs out some wine and breadsticks, and everyone settles down to read through some stuff from the small library.
- Jojo discovers that there's an Azoth refinery in the Ninefold Cathedral (more or less the Vatican).
- Deletion reads that the Forest of Moondin is, indeed, still a forest.
- Sydney finds out that Panchrest, currently being generated by the machine, is a cure-all panacea! Very useful! Alkahest, by contrast, dissolves everything.
- Jojo is obsessed with the Ninefold Cathedral now. She reads that the Ennean Pope is protected by Cardinals, and buried in the Pope's balcony is a book of all demon names. Even better, there are demons imprisoned in the catacombs. Sounds like a Christmas Heist Special!
- Sydney is interested too, and finds out all about Nonanism. Those demons in the catacombs were worshipped as gods by foolish foreigners. When Nonanism came to town, it stole the "gods" away and replaced them with the real deal. The demons (and other such beings) were worshipped as Aspects of the Nine.

--- Panchrest Packed
- Christmas Special plan concocted, they head back out and see if the machine is done yet. It is! Sydney duly stores away the Panchrest in the fridge.
- They chuck another bit of Azoth into the machine and decide to explore the water level, long drowned by the mysterious frog men. Luckily they've all got silver suits that let them breathe!
- They open the hatch from the Globoblin room, flooding the place and causing the bubble-helms to slide over their heads. Sydney crafts a Beam-Ice rune to form icicle spears and they swim into the murk beyond...

--- Tick Tick Tick
- They swim under drowned ratmen, one of whom is clasping a mysterious idol in their cold dead hands. Snels wants it and grabs it... only to have something spike down through the ratman's body and into his hand!
- After a struggle, Snels manages to overturn the rat and drag whatever the spiky thing is into the cold water. It's a huge tick! It quickly freezes to death. Safe!
- Snels grabs the statue (he's earned it) and finds that it's a mysterious squamous statue of a horrible deep sea monstrosity. Dagon!
- Thankfully Snels has that Apostate Brooch that protects him from un-Saveable nonsense. He's fine!

--- Fear of Depths
- They explore further, heading through a temple to Dispater and onward to the room where the frogmen live! Conveniently enough, all magic shuts off for a few minutes as they arrive. The big pitted iron ring on the floor is deactivated!
- They see that across the room are a row of nude Dwarves, heads encased in big metal orbs, clearly being used to breed more of the frog people.
- Sydney tries out a Turn-Magma rune on the ring as it reactivates, revealing the infinite depths of the ocean below! Far far down it's like a city of frogspawn, and black tongues emerge from the portal...
- The Magma rune boils the water and the tentacles, but more emerge! It's a froggy doom portal! One of the tendrils catches Sydney, but luckily they escape by the skin of their Meta-Manipulation magic!
- An enormous froggy eye peers through the portal and our heroes flee back to the safety of the globoblin room! No eldritch horrors today thank you! 
- The refined Azoth is ready when they return, and Deletion takes a little sip. It feels good and he slops into a little puddle of happy jelly!

Total: 7000 exp


Treasure:
- Horrible deep sea idol (8000 exp)
Total: 8000 exp


Enemies:
- A big tick (20 exp)
- Several black tentacles (100 exp)
Total: 120 exp



Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 99804 (Level up at 144000)
- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 68724 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Deletion Snels, Level 4 Cyber-Inheritor: 14795 (Level up at 18000)