Session 462 - The Broken Church

Date: 8 September 1626

Zenith: The Dead God

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Heavenly Speculation

- We return (with... half a laptop screen...) to the party looking over the edge of the massive sinkhole where Fortress-City Fate used to be. They're all aboard Masvani's walking boat which plods along on many skeleton legs, deciding their next course of action.
- There is some discussion on the merits of returning Mars to the heavens. Back in the Christmas Special, retired character Hidra removed Mars from a magical orrery, precipitating the current space elf attacks and subsequent Red Elf refugee crisis. Maybe replacing Mars would make them go back?

- A discussion for another time, perhaps.

- In the mean time it is decided that we're off on a nautical expedition!

--- Down By the River

- Names are mooted for the big sinkhole. Charybdis. The Maelstrom. The Massive Hole. No matter the name, there's one big issue - the current on either side will drag any ship down!

- Thus they walk the boat a bit further along until they get to a cliff low enough to jump down.

- Heavy clouds rumbling with intracloud lightning rest softly overhead, but there's no rain. The wind blows from the south-east, billowing the sails of the skeleton-legged ship as it leaps ungracefully from the shore and plops down into the water!

- Mother Flotsam spies a church on the islet at the mouth of the river, and the boat paddles against the flow (some speculation - is it still "downstream" if you're going against the current?) to go check it out.

--- Priest of a Shattered Church

- They arrive to find the church in pieces. Most of the nave has crumbled into the sea, leaving just the transept perched on the edge of the cliff. There's a priest sitting on the remnants up there, fishing into the submerged rubble below, and he's just caught a horrible gribbly thing which he seems very happy about!

- They hail him and chat. He says there's a ton of treasure down there, and up in the church for that matter. This whets everyone's appetites for loot, of course!
- Benito orders his butler to dive in and look around. He finds a Ghost Bomb shaped like a sea mine!

- The others decide to root around too and find various loot in the form of candle stands, engraved plates, and shiny knick-knacks.

- The priest is somewhat offended but nevertheless throws down a rope ladder to allow the party to climb up. He is adamant that no arms and armour are allowed inside the church, so anyone who wants to stay in armour (like, say Masvani) aren't allowed in.

- He's also a racist so doesn't want Goblinda and her (very trendy) Goblins to enter either.

--- Tricksy Hobbitses

- The older ladies (Mothers Flotsam and Swan) are allowed up because they seem harmless.

- Benito in his childlike guise climbs up and, when helped up over the edge by the priest, attempts to Dominate! It works! This releases his hold on his butler, of course, who gleefully jumps overboard to escape and... is sucked away by the current. Alas, Butler Dave, we knew you all too briefly.

- The priest, whose name is Father Clement, is swiftly renamed Priest Dave.

- Mother Flotsam, meanwhile, has had a look around. There's an altar where the top surface has been shifted aside to reveal stairs going down, and she pulls aside a curtain to discover a fire around which more bedrolls than one priest would need are arrayed. Something's up!

- There's a shout from above and several arrows sing towards her! There are people up in the rafters, and indeed the rafters themselves are crisscrossed with boards to make it easier to get around up there!

- Mother Flotsam uses her backstory power to find a helpful stranger and... dear lord... a talking Moray Eel is here! It yells encouragement.

--- Battle Above

- The jig is well and truly up. The archers above leap nimbly across their boards, staying out of sight, as various characters shimmy up the rope ladder and into combat.
- Mother Flotsam throws her taxidermied cat up there with its prepared Razor Spiral spell and creates a slicing area of AoE razorblades! This flushes the archers out of cover, and into the line of sight of Benito and Masvani who've been aiming just for this reason! Bullets ping and ricochet!

- "Priest Dave" aka Father Clement reveals to Benito that he's really a serial killer called Clement the Slasher and the priest thing was all a ruse. He runs over to a massed pile of pews and shimmies up the hidden ladder to attack his former friends.

- One of the archers kills the cat, but the razor spiral continues. 

- Mother Swan pulls Mother Flotsam back out of the line of fire in an act of old lady solidarity. Flotsam whips a stone from her sling up at the archers and corks his arm!

- The first of the archers falls, splatting to the stone floor of the church.

--- Goblin Nonsense

- Goblinda finally makes it up to the church, slowed by her Goblin crew's insistence on beatboxing their way up. They form a tower of goblins and wobble towards the archers. Clement slashes the hamstrings of one of his former fellows before Goblinda pokes him off the battlements with her paddle. The man falls and is impaled on a candle stand.

- Soon there is only one archer remaining, who tries to plead with Clement before a one-two punch of Clement's daggers and Goblinda's wobbling paddle sends him plummeting below where he crunches back-first onto the open altar.

--- Mysteries Below

- Mother Flotsam's backup taxidermied cat finds itself rapidly ensouled to become her new familiar. She's always got a backup, you see.

- She questions Angus the "Scottish" Moray Eel on what's going on here, and he tells her that these bandits have been catching sea creatures and throwing them into the sepulchre below to create and/or feed some sort of creature.

- They throw Angus back into the sea where he can... oh no! The current! He's swiftly dragged back towards the giant hole. Maybe he'll meet Butler Dave on the way?

--- Finishing Up
- While deciding whether they go see what the horrible thing is in the crypt, they loot the church. They find such cool stuff as a book on Pirate Law, a pouch of Blinding Beans, a glass sword, and a figurine of a sausage dog that extends a looooong way when activated.

- Mother Swan creates Mother Swan's Big Soup, an intentional rival to Mother Flotsam's soup of a similar name. It contains Devil-Carp, Brine Pike, Lamprey, Chewing Bark and Blood and it would taste AWFUL if not for the presence of Benito and his Halfling cooking skills. As it stands, it's tasty and gives everyone +1 to their Dexterity, possibly because they're leaping away from the soup.

Total: 9000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- 4 bowmen (40 exp)

Total: 40 exp

Treasures Looted:

- 190 obols-worth of miscellaneous valuables (190 exp)
- Ghost Bomb harms living but heals dead

- Book on pirate laws and customs (50 exp)

- Pouch of Blinding Beans blinds someone as long as the beans are on their eyelids

- Figurine of Endless Dog, when activated, becomes an endless sausage dog useful for finding your way back from places, plus its cute.

- Glass Sword deals exploding damage, but shatters on a fumble.

Total: 240 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/lvl)
- Zoe the Directionman (100 exp/lvl)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/lvl)

- Charles the Artist (100 exp/lvl)

- George the Chef (100 exp/lvl)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 45635 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 40782 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 33515 (Level up at 36000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 5 Goblin: 18518 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Mother Swan, Level 2 Magic-User: 3756 (Level up at 4500)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 461 - Laptop-Less Journey to the Big Hole

Date: 1 September 1626

Zenith: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

New Characters:

- Ellengast Progenitrix, aka Mother Swan! A Magic-User who is a former prisoner, mentored by Swan (RIP)

New Backstory:

- Hammer Hatmakerson learned a lot about Necromancers in his tutelage under Celebus. Once per session, give someone an extra point of Mana.

- Masvani-i-Manavi has great respect for Mother Flotsam, his mentor. At the start of the session copy one of their Skills. Transferrable on death or if the character isn't at this session, with a compelling reason.

Events:

--- A Minor Disaster

- Turns out I forgot my laptop today, so it's going to be a janky session where I try to run everything off my phone.

- Luckily everyone is very nice about this!

- This foreshadows another laptop-related event.

--- Who's She? The Swan's Mother?

- The party have just murdered Swan the Swift in his bony swan form.
- They see a figure coming up from the dungeon below. It is the Mother of Swan! Swan's mother! The Mother Goose, if you will! She thanks the party for killing her no good son.

- She joins the party following the retirement of Hammer Hatmakerson, now King Hammer. 

- Also, Gaius returns for one night only! He's a true Roman.

--- A Visit From a God

- They decide to return to the Goblin Wastes, and determine to go via the sea since Masvani has a walking boat and all.
- They head down the King's Road, the long road that leads towards where Fate used to be before it started walking around. They spend the time cooking and relaxing, making Mother Flotsam's Big Soup which is super good with the Halflings around.

- It grants 1 damage per die from cold, which is determined to be the Blessing of the Soup Dragon.

- In fact it's SO good that the God in Heaven today actually comes down to try it! He is The Scorned and is a love bomber, albeit Benito barely notices.

--- Lore Mana from Heaven

- They ask what the situation is up there between the Tadpoles and the Red Elves and whatever's going on with the moon.
- Long story short - the Tadpoles have basically eaten most of the corpse of Ereshkigal which was thrown up their in the End War. The Gods are spread thin trying to stop them entering the atmosphere, since the Red Elves at least only came from moonwards. These new guys can just fly around!

- The Marlingspikes can be repurposed to send energy up to the Gods, so if they can get the Red Elves (who should be grateful to be allowed through in the first place to be honest) to recalibrate them for that purpose that would be great.

- Putting Mars back might help, but the Tadpoles seem to be quite happy to set up shop on the moon so they'll need a reason to leave.

--- Fireside Chats

- We roll to see who's been talking to who and end up with quite the convoluted web of conversations.

- Mother Flotsam bonds with Mother Swan over their shared disappointment in their children.

- Mother Flotsam also shares tea with Masvani.
- Masvani in turn shares some advice with Benito.

- In turn Benito bonds with Gaius over his book on how to cook humans (no "for" in this one), which is troubling.
- In fact all in all, when all's said and done, the party look at themselves and say... "Are we the baddies?"

--- Lights in the Mist

- They are safe from the Unmaking Rain that drizzles down around them, safe in the ship.

- However, drifting in from the mist, tiny lights! They settle on equipment and do weird magic stuff.
- Benito's perfume now heals, but can run out.

- Mother Flotsam's Quicksilver Charm improves.

- Masvani's soul of a resentful goat man he captured that time will now hurt him if it's released.

- Gaius' Halfling Spices now have a loaves-and-fishes effect that will make a meal infinitely shareable

--- A Big Hole

- Finally, as a summer storm rages around them, they reach the sea. Classic Britain.

- Before them, beyond a shattered bridge, is the island where Fortress-City Fate once stood (or perhaps squatted).

- In the past, before the End War, a huge tentacle of Shub-Niggurath rose up from the core of the Earth, then was chewed up by the constantly whirring maw deep beneath Fate.
- Now, with the city gone and Shub-Niggurath exploded into poison, all that remains is a bottomless pit in the middle of the island, down which the waters pour endlessly.

- They approach and stare down the hole. It's endless. They can pick out a city down there, built against the walls of the borehole, fed by pouring water. They can also see countless holes in the walls, doubtless entrances to the Veins of the Earth.

Total: 8000 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Chef (200 exp/level)
- George the Directionman (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Paymaster (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 42579 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 38326 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 31159 (Level up at 36000)

- Timothy / Gaius Julius Drusus, Level 4 Halfling: 10454 (Level up at 16000)

- George / Mother Swan, Level 1 Magic-User: 1700 (Level up at 2250)

Session 460 - How Did We Get Here

Date: 25 August 1626

Zenith: Minerva

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Benito Brazil pissed off the King of Brazil and confronted him, leading to Benito's exile. May cause creatures to prioritise him at will.

Events:

--- Late to the Party

- We return to the party who have recently found their way into a mansion of some sort in the Gardens of Ynn, accessed by a mirror that was recently stolen by Masvani who didn't realise at the time that it had to remain in place to work its magic.

- Also, Hammer Hatmakerson has returned! And somehow found his way into the manor within Ynn! As have his cavemen buddies!

- Good thing too because a golden crocodile on the fountain in the antechamber has just come alive and bared its golden teeth, making a beeline straight for Benito!

- Hammer chucks a magic sword at Benito (presumably a dime a dozen) and Benito swings down on the crocodile! It pings from its metal hide and seems to have missed... but oh wait he's religious! It hits!
- Hammer and his cavemen follow up and through some alarmingly big rolls utterly destroy it. Ooga booga indeed.

--- Where My Stuff Man

- Just to remind everyone, we are actually here because Benito got drunk and his stuff got nicked by a strange man.
- To that end, they explore through a couple of rooms until they find... a balcony overlooking a stage! A passing goat man is interrogated and they discover that Benito's stuff is indeed her, a man carried it past half an hour ago. However it miiiggght have been turned into stage props by Extras quasi-magic.

- Benito shouts, nay DEMANDS from the balcony that they need to put on a play about Brazil. He's surprised when a huge papier-mache King Kong emerges!

- The man of the house, Scilloideae, is the play's director and he's livid about what just happened (and baffled by the big gorilla).
- Thankfully Benito is there to explain. He got drunk in Bell and just wants his stuff back.

- After some conversation the director is happy to give said stuff back. All the glitter-covered cardboard copies of Benito's gear are gathered and, with a click of Scilloideae's fingers, returned to normal. Hurrah!

- With all that received, and with no easy way out due to Masvani's mirror theft, they're forced to head back out into Ynn and hope they can find their way home through the gardens.

--- Sail Away Sail Away Sail Away

- They exit into Ynn and the first thing they see is a great big ship up the top of a big cool jaggedy mountain. The ship itself is built around and on a floating rock which is currently not floating very much, so just a big normal rock really.
- They investigate and find a Red Elf is in there, struggling to get the rock going. Also he has the worst Jamaican accent but people seemed to enjoy it?

- All it takes is one touch from Benito's hand and the rock starts floating again. This seems way too easy but maaaybe there's a lore reason.

- They start flying the shape of the Broligarchy and hey! I shuffled the deck wrong! They're out of there already!

- And here's Masvani too! Lovely!

--- Martian Concerns

- Despite the party's previously established pro-genocide position vis-a-vis the Red Elves, after actually meeting one they're all suddenly going back on their previous position. Funny how that works.
- Turns out the Red Elf colonists have nowhere to go back to since Mars vanished approx 8 months ago, plus their brethren have died over and over until they turned into the horrible space tadpoles seen recently.
- Hang on actually this is possibly the best out of context line of the season -
- "They need to head back to the Goblin Wastes and find Hidra to get Mars in preparation for Christmas so they can put Mars back"

- It's a long way back, but they can follow the old King's Road to the edge of the wastes.

--- Onwards in a Different Boat

- Now that they've got Masvani and his silly boat that runs on many skeleton legs, it's time to set off again!

- As they approach Swansburg (nee Salivasburg, nee Salisburgh) there is a brief encounter with giant cockroaches, but it's not much to write home about beyond some extra armfuls of haemolymph they harvest from the bodies. Hammer scrumps wheat from the nearby wheatfield.

- The longarms used to quell the bugs in said ambush are assiduously taken back by Masvani and put back in the gun locker, probably the only time we've ever seen proper gun management in the game. Fingers off the trigger and no pointing the business end at anything you don't want dead, folks.

--- New City Same As the Old City

- They cross through Swansburg's gates and nobody bats an eye at their walking boat, since this place is PACKED with the undead. Some living zealots with bells on sticks wander past, proselytising about Deusix.

- They continue on, a huge wooden swan looming on the central motte. Most "people" they pass are skeletons in various tabards going about their errands. The only living people tend to be big bags of skin.

- They hail a fleshbag and Swan is crushed to discover that there's no serfdom here, skeletons took all the jobs. Cash-for-bones signs advertise the only real way for the average living man to get by. Will Hammer truly have to kill Swan for betraying the ideals of medievalism?

--- The Battle for the Crown

- They approach the motte and find it is a big big pile of bones. So many bones.

- There is a great battle against a bone man who is turning into a swan shape as they battle. It's Swan himself! And he's absorbing all of the bones!

- I am clearly too tired at this point to run anything properly but on we go.

- Hammer strikes religiously, Masvani gives the goose-monster teeth, Goblina (who turned up!) throws goblins into the fray, Mother Flotsam chucks a guano bomb in, Benito makes Hammer very big with a Growth Potion.

- Hammer, now huge, gets his hands on the neck of the Swan swan and snaps.

--- Opportunity

- They walk into the quiet throne room of Swan the Swift. It's empty.
- Hammer takes the crown that rests on the throne, feels it scream, and puts it on.
- He throws down the Seed Skull of the Forgotten King at his feet, a magical artifact that will cause a kingdom to bloom here. His cavemen will remake this rotten land.

- Also they cook something called "Cockyleeky" from cockroach viscera, an ostrich egg and a couple of handfuls of wheat. It's not great!

Total: 9000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- Some cockroaches (35 exp)

- Swan the Swift: Bone Edition (100 exp)

Total: 135 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- A Kingdom (invaluable, but let's call it 10 000 exp to be nice?)

Total: 10000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 39779 (Level up at 72000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 36126 (Level up at 64000)

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 6 Fighter: 33955 (Level up at 64000)
Retired but also *LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 29059 (Level up at 36000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 5 Goblin: 16162 (Level up at 32000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Goblin! +Backstory!

Session 459 - It's More or Less the Same as the Things That You Said

Date: 18 August 1626

Zenith: Oberon

Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Ok then, that was always allowed

- The Red Elves roll their bubbles into the town of Bell. Masvani has strong misgivings.

- A guardpost is immediately diverted around because Bell has recently quintupled in population due to Masvani's actions last session

- It's fine though? Shanty town vibes here.

- As a result the Red Elves are invited in with little fanfare. They roll their bubbles into the centre of town and set up in the park.

- The sky is threatening. It's a Swarm Warning, a fairly common weather event in summer. Flies abound. Beetles clutch the earth. 

- Masvani casts a spell and instantly dies.

--- Wait what

- Yea he's fucking dead
- Mother Flotsam brings out the worm that is named Celebus, a fellow Necromancer, and asks him what the fuck just occurred while sipping tea with fellow old ladies.

- Worm Celebus states that this was the "Little Death" which afflicts Necromancers every so often. Masvani will return! Specifically at midnight.

- Meanwhile Masvani watches his corpse from the ghost dimension. Without Celebus giving information this may have been way more horrific.

--- Chores

- Benito hits up the church, goes round the back, and kinda-sorta seduces a man named Trevor Upmarket into being his minion. Horrific stuff. 

- We discover that Necromancers can order around their troops from the ghost dimension because that's really fucking cool!

- Masvani exploits this technique to have a good look around town. He investigates the Red Elves' Resurrection Engine and finds it empty. Something to investigate further?

--- Mother Flotsam Gets Pissed

- It's carousing time! Mother Flotsam gets so fucking drunk,,,,,
- Masvani returns! And tries to get the populace up in arms regarding the Red Elf refugees but everyone's more annoyed by the influx of no-longer-dead who recently tore themselves from the loam.

- Mother Flotsam pisses off the local baron's wife who has only recently returned from abroad.

--- The Morning After

- Benito awakens to discover that he's lost all his gear, Awful! He has vague memories of an older guy putting his stuff away for safe keeping?

- Hang on, he knows that face! It was the Baron's butler!

- They head off IMMEDIATELY to confront him, and in short order discover that he lobbed everything through the Baron's mirror that leads directly into the gardens of Ynn as a kind of sick joke

--- And what Alice found there

- Mother Flotsam and Benito run into the Baron's bedroom. The Baron and his wife leap out of bed! Sadly for them, Mother Flotsam is prepared. She casts her Babbling Curse and both of them jump through the looking glass before anyone can stop them!

- Masvani grabs the mirror and hauls it away. To his horror it it changes back into a normal mirror as soon as he leaves the room!

- Quoth Carter, "oh no".

--- A Cloakroom

- Mother Flotsam and Benito Brazil stagger out of a wardrobe. They are confronted by a little goat man sitting on a little chair. They are very obviously in Ynn.

- We are now in a split party situation! On the way downstairs, Masvani persuades the Baron's daughter to come along with him and abandon her lyre. Mysterious!

Total: 8000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 32299 (Level up at 64000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!
- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 35952 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 25232 (Level up at 36000)

Session 458 - It Came From Outer Space!

Date: 11 August 1626

Zenith: Oberon

Moon Phase: New Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Mother Flotsam killed intentionally as part of her initiation into the arcane arts when she was younger (allegedly, because she's not a witch you see). Once per session, mark an enemy to add +2 to your crit range against it.

Events:

--- Falling with Style

- Staying the the Baron's house in the town of Bell (which features, naturally, a very large churchbell), our heroes are deciding what to do next. Outside the window it's drizzling from a flat grey sky.
- The Baron has a magic mirror that leads to the Gardens of Ynn, through which his son must have been swapped for a changeling. Perhaps inside there's the answer to this whole changeling situation?
- But wait! What's that outside the window? Bubbles are falling at an angle through the nimbostratus, sizzling through the rain, and soon landing in a blast of glitter in the pine forest known as the Witches!

- The changelings can wait, it's bubble time!

--- Benito in the Bubble

- Finding the crash site is fairly easy, the site marked by glittery smoke. Half an hour later the party comes to the edge of the recently formed clearing, trees fallen in the direction of travel. Up in the sky the clouds ripple like oil on water.
- The bubbles are opaque, and some of them are linked up already by shimmering pearlescent tubes. It's giving space base vibes. One of the bubbles is even a few storeys up as a watchtower, connected by a string of smaller bubbles to the base below.
- Benito Brazil approaches a lone bubble and raps on the bouncy surface. A circular translucent window appears, behind which is the visage of a Red Elf with fine robes and long ears pierced with rings and fingers fused into a three-fingered hand. It looks around confused, and finally looks down at Benito.

- With a look of shock and worry, he looks behind him at a few other Red Elves and quickly makes the bubble permeable so Benito can come inside. Apparently there's a tadpole lurking in the clouds above and it's hunting them.

- They relax when they see it's just one Halfling. The furniture in here is all soft edges and rounded control panels. Smeg vibes. According to the Elf, their bubbles were let through the Gods' defensive wheel by the chief god Deusix who has earned their respect. Alas, the tadpole flew through too while the barrier was open.

--- Swinging a Cat

- Mother Flotsam, meanwhile, has approached the bottom of the watchtower bubble. She can see in as she looks upwards, and sees several Red Elves inside who are themselves watching the clouds above.
- She swings her cat by the tail, underarm, and throws it up to the top of the bubble. It works! The cat can't see down into the bubble from here though, it's just shiny from above. The bubble is made of some sort of directional glass.
- The cat, and Mother Flotsam, gaze upwards to see the great big winged tadpole thing descending. It's body is as long as a dinner table, it's tail as long again, and thick outspread tendrils hold diaphanous wings. Goblinda, at the edge of the forest, thinks it's adorable.
- Mother Flotsam's cat does not think it's adorable as the tadpole summons a glowing orb that splits into countless shards that hit it from every angle. A scrap of fur floats down to an aghast Mother Flotsam, whose taxidermied cat is rapidly gaining new life as a far stiffer replacement familiar.

--- Weaponised Featherfall

- Fuck this tadpole. Mother Flotsam is going to take revenge for her dearly departed cat!
- She waves to get the tadpole's attention, and it descends slowly towards her. She sees leaves and detritus lifting into the air around her, then she starts floating up towards it!
- In the bubble, Benito asks how to kill the thing. The Red Elves tell him that it can't be killed, but luckily it has only an hour or so of aether to breathe in a bubble around itself. Wait it out and it has to return to space.

- Mother Flotsam floats up close enough to the creature to cast Feather Fall, and she and the tadpole are now forced to float down to the ground at a gradual rate. Effectively, it's trapped!

--- Firing my Laser
- The creature's huge eyes gaze at Mother Flotsam as it summons another huge glowing orb in front of its face. She realises that it's about to fire again, and after a brief flirtation with turning herself to Flesh Goop (which only makes one immune to weapon damage) she scrabbles around in her pockets for something that will save her!
- The orb charges up, nearly ready to pop.
- The not-a-witch frantically rummaging through her pockets, werthers originals and forgotten objects scattering to the ground below...
- The orb shatters into fragments! They scythe through the air, straight into her body and -
- ...stop.

- The empty bottle of Spell Ward falls from her hand. Just in time!

--- Skeleton Style: Upscaled Gulliver Technique

- With the tadpole locked down by Featherfall, the others come bursting from the treeline to help kill it!
- Masvani-i-Manavi's skeletons charge in with grappling hooks, whipping them upwards at the tadpole to snare its wings. Goblinda's goblins help grab the ropes and wrestle off against the flying beast.
- Benito runs in from the lone bubble, goes straight to Masvani, and says "throw me at that thing!"
- Masnavi delivers, ordering his hybrid crab-throne-creature to use its prehensile shield-wielding tail to catapult Benito up at the tadpole. It works!
- Benito smacks into the tadpole's face and attempts to mind control it!

- Alas, no. Stunned, Benito slides off and crunches into the ground below. At least he's got about a quarter less mass than your average person, so he bounces!

--- Minion Massacre

- The tadpole, assuming Mother Flotsam is simply immune to magic from the evidence available, starts spamming magic missiles at the skeletons and goblins pulling it down.
- It also extends its bubble of aether in a cone to the ground, encompassing Mother Flotsam and Benito in a field of thin unbreathable quintessence. Benito begins to "drown".
- Mother Flotsam grabs Benito and carries them both out of the field. Benito chucks a molotov at the tadpole's landing site, making the monster scream!

- Alas, on landing the creature is finally free of the Feather Fall, and swiftly reorients itself to zoom off into space! The skeletons attached by grapple fly up too, eventually losing their grip and falling to shatter on the ground below.

--- Friends to the Red Elves

- The Red Elves emerge from their bubbles ecstatic! These heroes actually chased it off!

- The party get more information from the grateful Elves. Mars has vanished, and those Red Elves upon it died and were reborn over and over until they became the tadpole creatures that could survive in space.

- These space tadpoles have invaded the moon bases which the "normal" Red Elves had been developing, forcing the Red Elves to escape in their bubble-craft to the Earth's surface.
- Of course, getting through the protective Wheel formed by the Gods required express permission. Deusix, pragmatic and just, let them through.
- Hearing that the town of Bell is nearby, the Elves set their bubble-craft to rolling mode and begin pushing them through the woods. Hopefully the people of Bell will be ok with these interplanetary refugees staying a while!

Total: 9000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- A Space Tadpole, forced to flee (150 exp)

Total: 150 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 32402 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 28649 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 21682 (Level up at 36000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 4 Goblin: 12335 (Level up at 16000)

Session 457 - Bodsley's Bane

Date: 21 July 1626

Zenith: The Lady

Moon Phase: First Quarter

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Bell

- Well rested after sleeping in the luxury of Baron Figwort's Folly in the town of Bell, the party decide whether they'll head into the Witch's Forest (and see if they can rescue the Baron's son Bodsley, replaced by a changeling)or explore the town of Bell itself.

- They take a look from the vantage of the folly, seeing a chapel, graveyard, and a few other landmarks.

- The chapel's got to have the namesake bell in it right? So they head that way. On the way, Hammer converts his caveman charges to his new POWERCHAD religion, which they love.

--- Saved by the Bell

- They reach the chapel of the bustling village and see that it has this huge outsized bell covered in mysterious and clearly magical markings. Inside the church itself, Jesus is on a reformer pilates platform and lifting dumbells instead of being on a crucifix. All is gold and glittering with gems.

- The stained glass windows show a mashup of POWERLAD worship and Christianity.

- The priestess, Sister Kelsanea, recognises Hammer's swole-ness and invites him to stay and talk, but tells the others to leave.
- She tells him that the bell saved the town. During the Poisoned Years the townsfolk were buried in the rich loam in a breathless slumber by the witches of the Witches (being the name of the fir forest that Bell backs onto, due to the pointy firs like a witch's hat). When the poison storms had passed, the witches rang the bell to awaken everyone.

- Also Bodsley is a horrible little boy who recently started stabbing grandmas and making a ruckus.

- Benito goes up to examine the bell itself. Touching it breaks his mental connection with his minion, ringing it cancels his mental taming completely!

- Benito goes up to Sister Kelsanea and reintroduces himself, discovering that she seems to have forgotten the setup to this scenario entirely. Full mental reset.

--- Pigman Jack

- Benito and Hammer head to the house of Pigman Jack, owner of the biggest house around, and knock on the door.
- The door is answered by... good lord! An actual pig in a butler uniform standing on his trotters! The butler-pig speaks in perfect English and calls out to his boss, the real Pigman Jack who is (somewhat confusingly) a human and brother to the Baron.

- Pigman Jack owns a big pig farm (naturally) and offers fine cuts of meat for sale. 20 rations of finest Iberico jamon for a mere 150 obols. A bargain!

- He tells them that his pig meat is so fine due to the way pigs buried in the loam turn from English Pink to Rhodesian Black, improving the quality and marbling of the meat.

- Benito tries to tame a pig... but its mind is too strong!

- Masvani uses his magic mirror that shows things as they truly are and sees many many ghostly people inhabiting the town, whom he pickpockets ghostly trinkets from.

- Pigman Jack says his wife and his daughter were witches who died in the poisoned years after the end times. His story is confused and meandering.
- They suddenly realise that this whole town has its memory reset every so often by the bell, which is why nobody can quite remember anything. 

--- The Witches

- Mother Flotsam hears her name called from the woods. On inspection she notices that the trees are evenly spaced like a plantation. From the trees emerges an older woman, quite fit and strong, with pointy ears.
- She tells Mother Flotsam that she is one of the namesake Witches of the forest. She's a Brackenfrau, a type of Elf, and they are using the children (which they replace, naturally) to mine for pigs in the deep loam.

- Masvani has an idea, given the many ghosts in town, and casts a bizarrely powerful Coffin Knock to exhume all the bodies in the loam! The ground rumbles and cracks as bodies emerge from below, people and pigs and cows and sheep, all rumbling to the surface and taking their first panicked breaths!

- Mother Flotsam casts a spell to calm the frantic newly exhumed living. She learns that they're not from this reality, having come from a standard fantasy world in some other timeline as a result of the witches' reality mining magics.

--- Changeling Children

- They ask after the original children, and the witch opens a hole in the air. Within is a cage in a cave, the original children are asleep, imagining more realities so they can be mined.

- Mother Flotsam attempts to wake the children but Hammer takes a more direct approach, bashing the lock off the cage and chucking the children bodily out into the real world.

- The children are woken, armed, and told to go fight their doppelgangers in the town! Masvani enchants a chattering skull to work as a changeling detector and starts sorting the real kids from their clones in the chaos. The changelings are revealed to be enchanted goats!

--- Bloody Gratitude

- After corralling the changelings, seven in total, they call for the Baron who runs down as quick as he can! He commands his child Bodesley to murder his own doppelganger, which Bodesley does through angry tears.
- Masvani captures the copy's last breath as it struggles free from the body which is rapidly reverting to goat-ness.

- The Baron rewards the party with 10000 obols and access to a floor-length mirror which goes into the Gardens of Ynn.

- They settle down in the luxurious manor of the Baron, having just devoured their newest meal - Old MacDonald's Feast - Cow, Pig, Sheep, Duck and Cat in a big stew! It's really very good!

Total: 7000 exp

Murders:

- Changelings, technically (300 exp)

Total: 300 exp

Treasures:
- Ghostly trinkets, possibly valuable to ghosts
- 10 000

Total: 0 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler & Paymaster (200 exp/level)

- Charles the Directionman & Illustrator (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 30128 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 29614 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 25861 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 18894 (Level up at 36000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 456 - In Cells Interlinked

Date: 7 July 1626

Zenith: The Dead God

Moon Phase: Third Quarter

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Preamble

- We arrive back in the Broligarchy (née Necropolis, née Drist) where the Necromancers have survived the apocalypse via sheer muscle (and, more importantly, sending scout skeletons out from the ossuary-catacombs during the Poisoned Years).

- Masvani buys four inanimate human skeletons to turn into some sort of Skeleton Armour construct.
- Mother Flotsam completes her spell research and gains #6468 Polymorph Being which turns the target into a small creature until a specific royal-related trigger occurs.

--- The Bone Lifters

- Gaius Fleximus Aurelius descends to the basement wherein rests the Bone, which can be lifted to improve ones' muscles and degrade ones' mind. He sees that Hammer Hatmakerson and Benito Brazil have both succeeded in power-lifting it!
- An arm wrestle with Gaius allows Hammer access to the final sanctum - The Sanctum of Celebus, the Necromaxxing King!
- They go to the uppermost floors and discover that Celebus is weak, moaning, lounging on a bed surrounded by a swathe of crunchy tissues. This is the truth of the leader of the Broligarchy.

- Hammer smiles to see Celebus' condition as Celebus recounts that he has read each and every POWERLAD novel and ascertained that he will never be loved after saying something unsavoury to POWERLAD's wife Bertha.

- He reveals the religion of the Broligarchy - the POWERCHADs - and says that he will initiate people if they wish. Their key deities are POWERLAD (the Based), Bertha (the Goth Baddie), and Clavacula (the Cucked).

--- A Flashback

- When Celebus was first granted this fiefdom, Hammer was a serf.
- Hammer worked tirelessly under Celebus' aegis, but when Hammer became stronger and more handsome, Celebus ordered him and his family killed!
- Hammer fled, leaving his family behind, swearing vengeance. A vengeance that has now come true - Celebus is too pathetic to kill.

--- A Deal, One of the Best Deals

- Hammer turns to Gaius and proposes a solution. They'll turn Celebus into a worm, take him away, and leave the running of the city to Gaius. After all, nobody sees Celebus these days. Gaius can just pretend that he's still running the show while having full benevolent dictator powers for himself!

- Gaius will give them 10k obols if Celebus is gone within a month, plus free reign of the city and a two week gym pass each (credit card required at signup).

- Mother Flotsam (does not) cast a spell, and Celebus writhes down to become a thumb-sized caterpillar. If he is kissed by a princess he will return to his normal form.

- Hammer reveals his face to Celebus ("it was me!" style) before throwing him into a jar.
- They are told of several potential adventure locales nearby. There's something happening up in the Witches, a forest to the north-east. There's a big dungeon under the despoiled cathedral. There's something going on with the storm-shell southeast in New Moondin and someone should check it out.

--- Shopping Trip

- They head to the shops and, wouldn't you know it, Julgoor the Greed Demon is there! He's languishing under thorn sickness, his occasional but endless battle with Gifflewim for economic control having taken a turn for the worse.
- At least, he says, Gifflewim is currently dealing with a big building-kaiju on the southern shore. So for now he can do his usual sheopkeeping.
- Masvani sells a statue for materials for a walking boat.
- Benito trades his glitch-rifle for a hand mirror that allows stuff that passes through it to emerge from any nearby mirror (and vice versa).

- Mother Flotsam trades stretchy flubrgooblewhatever skin for a guano grenade.
- Hammer gains a partial dungeon map for the price of a bronze seed.

- Masvani is horrified to discover that something has happened to runes!!! Yes it seems that a force of space invaders has invaded the moon and started doing something strange to the corpse of the Gravity Dragon Ereshkigal, thrown up there decades ago by POWERLAD in his dragon form during the End War.

- Masvani is miffed because he intuits that this is his fault somehow.

- He swaps a gilded scab with Gifflewim for a supply of eight Saviourbone Disks. Carved from POWERLAD's dragonbone, these things allow runes to work as intended.

- Masvani finally trades Gifflewim the Elf-Soul he's been carrying around for a while with a Dorian Grey style portrait of himself which will take magical damage for him.

- Gifflewim devours the Elf-Soul and, now tripping balls, vanishes. In his absence the others loot the store.

--- Wares

- Stolen things include:
--- Mother Flotsam - POWERCHAD religious attire: Garments of "the Goth Baddie" Bertha Ortell.
--- Benito Brazil - Taskmaster Dust: Spread on yourself and another to copy physical statistic.
--- Hammer Hatmakerson - Instructions for Potion #297 Comprehension

--- Masvani-i-Manavi - Shield of Virility - +4 AC, each just-missed attack gives enemy -1 AC and retroactively grants them a child of age equal to the roll.

--- Cells (Cells) Interlinked (Interlinked)

- They pop into the POWERCHAD church on their way to the north, having decided to check out forest called The Witches for its conical evergreens and adventure potential.

- It's a crossfit gym, and thus a cult. They are willing to indoctrinate participants into the ranks of the POWERCHADs.
- Benito and Hammer convert on the spot, granting them the POWERCHAD faith bonus of +1 to hit and +1 to damage received per fellow POWERCHAD in the area (including themselves). Celebus, despite being a caterpillar in a jar, counts for this!

--- Onwards Through the Bugs

- They leave the Broligarchy, approach the river, and launch Masnavi's new invention into the onrushing water. It's a boat with undead hands and feet swim-rowing - perfect!

- They head north through the muggy summer's day. A swarm of midges forces people to take off their armour, the better to slap and scratch the bugs that were otherwise crawling underneath.

- Benito mind-controls a midge to apologise for their lack of blood-sharing hospitality.

- Masnavi fishes up a few Mud Bream, hat against the sun.

--- Bell

- Upriver they come to a town with kids fishing off the bank. One of them has a goatee, which incites speculation.

- Hammer banters with the kids. He learns that their parents are crying because their children are misbehaving and spending way too much time in the forest.
- The party's attention is piqued! Masnavi directs the paddling boat to emerge from the water onto the bank. Its many limbs skitter up through the mud and clasp to dry land where they find it.

- The kids tell them of Bell. A lovely little village, the townsfolk live in luxury while the Dead pick the many rows of orange trees and till the rich soil around well-tended groves. There is a large and kind of out-of-place bell in the Church's belltower whose sound is resonant and tonally satisfying.

--- Townsfolk

- They walk up to the town, following the kids, and a strange necromancer runs out to greet them. He's got a timepiece running from arteries in his arm and wants to tell the intruders all about it. With this and a sextant, he says, we can calculate longitude!

- After a bit of back-and-forth, he tells them to talk to "The Last Baron", so called because his kids ran off into the Witches and as such the Baron believes the Witches actually contain child-stealing witches (of which honestly fair enough).

- They head to the Last Baron's manor and on the way Benito uses his Halfling ability to tame the goatee-bearing child. New minion! The other kids follow, uncomprehending.

--- The Last Baron

- They reach the manor and an austere butler invites them all in. He sees that there are a bunch of kids in tow and gracefully points the adults into the drawing room and the children into the parlour. Benito, child-sized, is directed with the latter.

- While the others are fed with wine and hors d'oeuvres, Benito sneaks out of the childrens' parlour and sneaks towards the retiring room of the manor lord.

- He looks near-identical to the butler, yet is a Transylvanian lord, austere and upsetting. His groundskeeper left under a cloud a few months ago, and since then his youngest two children have escaped to the Broligarchy and his beloved eldest Bodsley has been clearly replaced by a Changeling. You'll do something, won't you?

--- Cooking and Thinking

- The party reconvene outside the manor, attendant children overstimulated by the experience and variously either running round and round trees or just sitting in a heap.

- The kids, however, have gathered some ingredients! Some Zap-Crickets and some Glimmerjack.

- Benito conconcts "Feijoada (Beanless)", a dish containing Zap-Cricket, Glimmerjack, and Wheat for the tortillas.

- It's delicious! Tomorrow all devourers get +2 to First Aid!

Total: 1300 exp

Treasures:

- Religious "Goth Baddie" attire of POWERCHAD (300 exp)
- Taskmaster Dust clones best declared physical characteristic if spread on two beings
- Potion Instructions: #297 Comprehension

- Shield of Virility retroactively creates children on clutch roll

OOC:
- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer and Paymaster (300 exp/level)
- Charles the Expedition Leader and Artotacker (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 27803 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 26789 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 23036 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 16569 (Level up at 18000)