Session 458 - It Came From Outer Space!

Date: 11 August 1626

Zenith: Oberon

Moon Phase: New Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Mother Flotsam killed intentionally as part of her initiation into the arcane arts when she was younger (allegedly, because she's not a witch you see). Once per session, mark an enemy to add +2 to your crit range against it.

Events:

--- Falling with Style

- Staying the the Baron's house in the town of Bell (which features, naturally, a very large churchbell), our heroes are deciding what to do next. Outside the window it's drizzling from a flat grey sky.
- The Baron has a magic mirror that leads to the Gardens of Ynn, through which his son must have been swapped for a changeling. Perhaps inside there's the answer to this whole changeling situation?
- But wait! What's that outside the window? Bubbles are falling at an angle through the nimbostratus, sizzling through the rain, and soon landing in a blast of glitter in the pine forest known as the Witches!

- The changelings can wait, it's bubble time!

--- Benito in the Bubble

- Finding the crash site is fairly easy, the site marked by glittery smoke. Half an hour later the party comes to the edge of the recently formed clearing, trees fallen in the direction of travel. Up in the sky the clouds ripple like oil on water.
- The bubbles are opaque, and some of them are linked up already by shimmering pearlescent tubes. It's giving space base vibes. One of the bubbles is even a few storeys up as a watchtower, connected by a string of smaller bubbles to the base below.
- Benito Brazil approaches a lone bubble and raps on the bouncy surface. A circular translucent window appears, behind which is the visage of a Red Elf with fine robes and long ears pierced with rings and fingers fused into a three-fingered hand. It looks around confused, and finally looks down at Benito.

- With a look of shock and worry, he looks behind him at a few other Red Elves and quickly makes the bubble permeable so Benito can come inside. Apparently there's a tadpole lurking in the clouds above and it's hunting them.

- They relax when they see it's just one Halfling. The furniture in here is all soft edges and rounded control panels. Smeg vibes. According to the Elf, their bubbles were let through the Gods' defensive wheel by the chief god Deusix who has earned their respect. Alas, the tadpole flew through too while the barrier was open.

--- Swinging a Cat

- Mother Flotsam, meanwhile, has approached the bottom of the watchtower bubble. She can see in as she looks upwards, and sees several Red Elves inside who are themselves watching the clouds above.
- She swings her cat by the tail, underarm, and throws it up to the top of the bubble. It works! The cat can't see down into the bubble from here though, it's just shiny from above. The bubble is made of some sort of directional glass.
- The cat, and Mother Flotsam, gaze upwards to see the great big winged tadpole thing descending. It's body is as long as a dinner table, it's tail as long again, and thick outspread tendrils hold diaphanous wings. Goblinda, at the edge of the forest, thinks it's adorable.
- Mother Flotsam's cat does not think it's adorable as the tadpole summons a glowing orb that splits into countless shards that hit it from every angle. A scrap of fur floats down to an aghast Mother Flotsam, whose taxidermied cat is rapidly gaining new life as a far stiffer replacement familiar.

--- Weaponised Featherfall

- Fuck this tadpole. Mother Flotsam is going to take revenge for her dearly departed cat!
- She waves to get the tadpole's attention, and it descends slowly towards her. She sees leaves and detritus lifting into the air around her, then she starts floating up towards it!
- In the bubble, Benito asks how to kill the thing. The Red Elves tell him that it can't be killed, but luckily it has only an hour or so of aether to breathe in a bubble around itself. Wait it out and it has to return to space.

- Mother Flotsam floats up close enough to the creature to cast Feather Fall, and she and the tadpole are now forced to float down to the ground at a gradual rate. Effectively, it's trapped!

--- Firing my Laser
- The creature's huge eyes gaze at Mother Flotsam as it summons another huge glowing orb in front of its face. She realises that it's about to fire again, and after a brief flirtation with turning herself to Flesh Goop (which only makes one immune to weapon damage) she scrabbles around in her pockets for something that will save her!
- The orb charges up, nearly ready to pop.
- The not-a-witch frantically rummaging through her pockets, werthers originals and forgotten objects scattering to the ground below...
- The orb shatters into fragments! They scythe through the air, straight into her body and -
- ...stop.

- The empty bottle of Spell Ward falls from her hand. Just in time!

--- Skeleton Style: Upscaled Gulliver Technique

- With the tadpole locked down by Featherfall, the others come bursting from the treeline to help kill it!
- Masvani-i-Manavi's skeletons charge in with grappling hooks, whipping them upwards at the tadpole to snare its wings. Goblinda's goblins help grab the ropes and wrestle off against the flying beast.
- Benito runs in from the lone bubble, goes straight to Masvani, and says "throw me at that thing!"
- Masnavi delivers, ordering his hybrid crab-throne-creature to use its prehensile shield-wielding tail to catapult Benito up at the tadpole. It works!
- Benito smacks into the tadpole's face and attempts to mind control it!

- Alas, no. Stunned, Benito slides off and crunches into the ground below. At least he's got about a quarter less mass than your average person, so he bounces!

--- Minion Massacre

- The tadpole, assuming Mother Flotsam is simply immune to magic from the evidence available, starts spamming magic missiles at the skeletons and goblins pulling it down.
- It also extends its bubble of aether in a cone to the ground, encompassing Mother Flotsam and Benito in a field of thin unbreathable quintessence. Benito begins to "drown".
- Mother Flotsam grabs Benito and carries them both out of the field. Benito chucks a molotov at the tadpole's landing site, making the monster scream!

- Alas, on landing the creature is finally free of the Feather Fall, and swiftly reorients itself to zoom off into space! The skeletons attached by grapple fly up too, eventually losing their grip and falling to shatter on the ground below.

--- Friends to the Red Elves

- The Red Elves emerge from their bubbles ecstatic! These heroes actually chased it off!

- The party get more information from the grateful Elves. Mars has vanished, and those Red Elves upon it died and were reborn over and over until they became the tadpole creatures that could survive in space.

- These space tadpoles have invaded the moon bases which the "normal" Red Elves had been developing, forcing the Red Elves to escape in their bubble-craft to the Earth's surface.
- Of course, getting through the protective Wheel formed by the Gods required express permission. Deusix, pragmatic and just, let them through.
- Hearing that the town of Bell is nearby, the Elves set their bubble-craft to rolling mode and begin pushing them through the woods. Hopefully the people of Bell will be ok with these interplanetary refugees staying a while!

Total: 9000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- A Space Tadpole, forced to flee (150 exp)

Total: 150 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 32402 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 28649 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 21682 (Level up at 36000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 4 Goblin: 12335 (Level up at 16000)

Session 457 - Bodsley's Bane

Date: 21 July 1626

Zenith: The Lady

Moon Phase: First Quarter

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Bell

- Well rested after sleeping in the luxury of Baron Figwort's Folly in the town of Bell, the party decide whether they'll head into the Witch's Forest (and see if they can rescue the Baron's son Bodsley, replaced by a changeling)or explore the town of Bell itself.

- They take a look from the vantage of the folly, seeing a chapel, graveyard, and a few other landmarks.

- The chapel's got to have the namesake bell in it right? So they head that way. On the way, Hammer converts his caveman charges to his new POWERCHAD religion, which they love.

--- Saved by the Bell

- They reach the chapel of the bustling village and see that it has this huge outsized bell covered in mysterious and clearly magical markings. Inside the church itself, Jesus is on a reformer pilates platform and lifting dumbells instead of being on a crucifix. All is gold and glittering with gems.

- The stained glass windows show a mashup of POWERLAD worship and Christianity.

- The priestess, Sister Kelsanea, recognises Hammer's swole-ness and invites him to stay and talk, but tells the others to leave.
- She tells him that the bell saved the town. During the Poisoned Years the townsfolk were buried in the rich loam in a breathless slumber by the witches of the Witches (being the name of the fir forest that Bell backs onto, due to the pointy firs like a witch's hat). When the poison storms had passed, the witches rang the bell to awaken everyone.

- Also Bodsley is a horrible little boy who recently started stabbing grandmas and making a ruckus.

- Benito goes up to examine the bell itself. Touching it breaks his mental connection with his minion, ringing it cancels his mental taming completely!

- Benito goes up to Sister Kelsanea and reintroduces himself, discovering that she seems to have forgotten the setup to this scenario entirely. Full mental reset.

--- Pigman Jack

- Benito and Hammer head to the house of Pigman Jack, owner of the biggest house around, and knock on the door.
- The door is answered by... good lord! An actual pig in a butler uniform standing on his trotters! The butler-pig speaks in perfect English and calls out to his boss, the real Pigman Jack who is (somewhat confusingly) a human and brother to the Baron.

- Pigman Jack owns a big pig farm (naturally) and offers fine cuts of meat for sale. 20 rations of finest Iberico jamon for a mere 150 obols. A bargain!

- He tells them that his pig meat is so fine due to the way pigs buried in the loam turn from English Pink to Rhodesian Black, improving the quality and marbling of the meat.

- Benito tries to tame a pig... but its mind is too strong!

- Masvani uses his magic mirror that shows things as they truly are and sees many many ghostly people inhabiting the town, whom he pickpockets ghostly trinkets from.

- Pigman Jack says his wife and his daughter were witches who died in the poisoned years after the end times. His story is confused and meandering.
- They suddenly realise that this whole town has its memory reset every so often by the bell, which is why nobody can quite remember anything. 

--- The Witches

- Mother Flotsam hears her name called from the woods. On inspection she notices that the trees are evenly spaced like a plantation. From the trees emerges an older woman, quite fit and strong, with pointy ears.
- She tells Mother Flotsam that she is one of the namesake Witches of the forest. She's a Brackenfrau, a type of Elf, and they are using the children (which they replace, naturally) to mine for pigs in the deep loam.

- Masvani has an idea, given the many ghosts in town, and casts a bizarrely powerful Coffin Knock to exhume all the bodies in the loam! The ground rumbles and cracks as bodies emerge from below, people and pigs and cows and sheep, all rumbling to the surface and taking their first panicked breaths!

- Mother Flotsam casts a spell to calm the frantic newly exhumed living. She learns that they're not from this reality, having come from a standard fantasy world in some other timeline as a result of the witches' reality mining magics.

--- Changeling Children

- They ask after the original children, and the witch opens a hole in the air. Within is a cage in a cave, the original children are asleep, imagining more realities so they can be mined.

- Mother Flotsam attempts to wake the children but Hammer takes a more direct approach, bashing the lock off the cage and chucking the children bodily out into the real world.

- The children are woken, armed, and told to go fight their doppelgangers in the town! Masvani enchants a chattering skull to work as a changeling detector and starts sorting the real kids from their clones in the chaos. The changelings are revealed to be enchanted goats!

--- Bloody Gratitude

- After corralling the changelings, seven in total, they call for the Baron who runs down as quick as he can! He commands his child Bodesley to murder his own doppelganger, which Bodesley does through angry tears.
- Masvani captures the copy's last breath as it struggles free from the body which is rapidly reverting to goat-ness.

- The Baron rewards the party with 10000 obols and access to a floor-length mirror which goes into the Gardens of Ynn.

- They settle down in the luxurious manor of the Baron, having just devoured their newest meal - Old MacDonald's Feast - Cow, Pig, Sheep, Duck and Cat in a big stew! It's really very good!

Total: 7000 exp

Murders:

- Changelings, technically (300 exp)

Total: 300 exp

Treasures:
- Ghostly trinkets, possibly valuable to ghosts
- 10 000

Total: 0 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler & Paymaster (200 exp/level)

- Charles the Directionman & Illustrator (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 30128 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 29614 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 25861 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 18894 (Level up at 36000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 456 - In Cells Interlinked

Date: 7 July 1626

Zenith: The Dead God

Moon Phase: Third Quarter

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Preamble

- We arrive back in the Broligarchy (née Necropolis, née Drist) where the Necromancers have survived the apocalypse via sheer muscle (and, more importantly, sending scout skeletons out from the ossuary-catacombs during the Poisoned Years).

- Masvani buys four inanimate human skeletons to turn into some sort of Skeleton Armour construct.
- Mother Flotsam completes her spell research and gains #6468 Polymorph Being which turns the target into a small creature until a specific royal-related trigger occurs.

--- The Bone Lifters

- Gaius Fleximus Aurelius descends to the basement wherein rests the Bone, which can be lifted to improve ones' muscles and degrade ones' mind. He sees that Hammer Hatmakerson and Benito Brazil have both succeeded in power-lifting it!
- An arm wrestle with Gaius allows Hammer access to the final sanctum - The Sanctum of Celebus, the Necromaxxing King!
- They go to the uppermost floors and discover that Celebus is weak, moaning, lounging on a bed surrounded by a swathe of crunchy tissues. This is the truth of the leader of the Broligarchy.

- Hammer smiles to see Celebus' condition as Celebus recounts that he has read each and every POWERLAD novel and ascertained that he will never be loved after saying something unsavoury to POWERLAD's wife Bertha.

- He reveals the religion of the Broligarchy - the POWERCHADs - and says that he will initiate people if they wish. Their key deities are POWERLAD (the Based), Bertha (the Goth Baddie), and Clavacula (the Cucked).

--- A Flashback

- When Celebus was first granted this fiefdom, Hammer was a serf.
- Hammer worked tirelessly under Celebus' aegis, but when Hammer became stronger and more handsome, Celebus ordered him and his family killed!
- Hammer fled, leaving his family behind, swearing vengeance. A vengeance that has now come true - Celebus is too pathetic to kill.

--- A Deal, One of the Best Deals

- Hammer turns to Gaius and proposes a solution. They'll turn Celebus into a worm, take him away, and leave the running of the city to Gaius. After all, nobody sees Celebus these days. Gaius can just pretend that he's still running the show while having full benevolent dictator powers for himself!

- Gaius will give them 10k obols if Celebus is gone within a month, plus free reign of the city and a two week gym pass each (credit card required at signup).

- Mother Flotsam (does not) cast a spell, and Celebus writhes down to become a thumb-sized caterpillar. If he is kissed by a princess he will return to his normal form.

- Hammer reveals his face to Celebus ("it was me!" style) before throwing him into a jar.
- They are told of several potential adventure locales nearby. There's something happening up in the Witches, a forest to the north-east. There's a big dungeon under the despoiled cathedral. There's something going on with the storm-shell southeast in New Moondin and someone should check it out.

--- Shopping Trip

- They head to the shops and, wouldn't you know it, Julgoor the Greed Demon is there! He's languishing under thorn sickness, his occasional but endless battle with Gifflewim for economic control having taken a turn for the worse.
- At least, he says, Gifflewim is currently dealing with a big building-kaiju on the southern shore. So for now he can do his usual sheopkeeping.
- Masvani sells a statue for materials for a walking boat.
- Benito trades his glitch-rifle for a hand mirror that allows stuff that passes through it to emerge from any nearby mirror (and vice versa).

- Mother Flotsam trades stretchy flubrgooblewhatever skin for a guano grenade.
- Hammer gains a partial dungeon map for the price of a bronze seed.

- Masvani is horrified to discover that something has happened to runes!!! Yes it seems that a force of space invaders has invaded the moon and started doing something strange to the corpse of the Gravity Dragon Ereshkigal, thrown up there decades ago by POWERLAD in his dragon form during the End War.

- Masvani is miffed because he intuits that this is his fault somehow.

- He swaps a gilded scab with Gifflewim for a supply of eight Saviourbone Disks. Carved from POWERLAD's dragonbone, these things allow runes to work as intended.

- Masvani finally trades Gifflewim the Elf-Soul he's been carrying around for a while with a Dorian Grey style portrait of himself which will take magical damage for him.

- Gifflewim devours the Elf-Soul and, now tripping balls, vanishes. In his absence the others loot the store.

--- Wares

- Stolen things include:
--- Mother Flotsam - POWERCHAD religious attire: Garments of "the Goth Baddie" Bertha Ortell.
--- Benito Brazil - Taskmaster Dust: Spread on yourself and another to copy physical statistic.
--- Hammer Hatmakerson - Instructions for Potion #297 Comprehension

--- Masvani-i-Manavi - Shield of Virility - +4 AC, each just-missed attack gives enemy -1 AC and retroactively grants them a child of age equal to the roll.

--- Cells (Cells) Interlinked (Interlinked)

- They pop into the POWERCHAD church on their way to the north, having decided to check out forest called The Witches for its conical evergreens and adventure potential.

- It's a crossfit gym, and thus a cult. They are willing to indoctrinate participants into the ranks of the POWERCHADs.
- Benito and Hammer convert on the spot, granting them the POWERCHAD faith bonus of +1 to hit and +1 to damage received per fellow POWERCHAD in the area (including themselves). Celebus, despite being a caterpillar in a jar, counts for this!

--- Onwards Through the Bugs

- They leave the Broligarchy, approach the river, and launch Masnavi's new invention into the onrushing water. It's a boat with undead hands and feet swim-rowing - perfect!

- They head north through the muggy summer's day. A swarm of midges forces people to take off their armour, the better to slap and scratch the bugs that were otherwise crawling underneath.

- Benito mind-controls a midge to apologise for their lack of blood-sharing hospitality.

- Masnavi fishes up a few Mud Bream, hat against the sun.

--- Bell

- Upriver they come to a town with kids fishing off the bank. One of them has a goatee, which incites speculation.

- Hammer banters with the kids. He learns that their parents are crying because their children are misbehaving and spending way too much time in the forest.
- The party's attention is piqued! Masnavi directs the paddling boat to emerge from the water onto the bank. Its many limbs skitter up through the mud and clasp to dry land where they find it.

- The kids tell them of Bell. A lovely little village, the townsfolk live in luxury while the Dead pick the many rows of orange trees and till the rich soil around well-tended groves. There is a large and kind of out-of-place bell in the Church's belltower whose sound is resonant and tonally satisfying.

--- Townsfolk

- They walk up to the town, following the kids, and a strange necromancer runs out to greet them. He's got a timepiece running from arteries in his arm and wants to tell the intruders all about it. With this and a sextant, he says, we can calculate longitude!

- After a bit of back-and-forth, he tells them to talk to "The Last Baron", so called because his kids ran off into the Witches and as such the Baron believes the Witches actually contain child-stealing witches (of which honestly fair enough).

- They head to the Last Baron's manor and on the way Benito uses his Halfling ability to tame the goatee-bearing child. New minion! The other kids follow, uncomprehending.

--- The Last Baron

- They reach the manor and an austere butler invites them all in. He sees that there are a bunch of kids in tow and gracefully points the adults into the drawing room and the children into the parlour. Benito, child-sized, is directed with the latter.

- While the others are fed with wine and hors d'oeuvres, Benito sneaks out of the childrens' parlour and sneaks towards the retiring room of the manor lord.

- He looks near-identical to the butler, yet is a Transylvanian lord, austere and upsetting. His groundskeeper left under a cloud a few months ago, and since then his youngest two children have escaped to the Broligarchy and his beloved eldest Bodsley has been clearly replaced by a Changeling. You'll do something, won't you?

--- Cooking and Thinking

- The party reconvene outside the manor, attendant children overstimulated by the experience and variously either running round and round trees or just sitting in a heap.

- The kids, however, have gathered some ingredients! Some Zap-Crickets and some Glimmerjack.

- Benito conconcts "Feijoada (Beanless)", a dish containing Zap-Cricket, Glimmerjack, and Wheat for the tortillas.

- It's delicious! Tomorrow all devourers get +2 to First Aid!

Total: 1300 exp

Treasures:

- Religious "Goth Baddie" attire of POWERCHAD (300 exp)
- Taskmaster Dust clones best declared physical characteristic if spread on two beings
- Potion Instructions: #297 Comprehension

- Shield of Virility retroactively creates children on clutch roll

OOC:
- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer and Paymaster (300 exp/level)
- Charles the Expedition Leader and Artotacker (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 27803 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 26789 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 23036 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 16569 (Level up at 18000)

Session 455 - Into the Broligarchy

Date: 30 June 1626

Zenith: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Full Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Benito Brazil was bringing a solid brick of fine barely-cut Notcoke to Loegria on a ship with his family of dogs. Alas, a dog swallowed the drugs and went insane on the boat. He lives on it our hearts. When equipment breaks, take a free action.

Events:

--- Through the Gardens

- We rejoin our heroes in the midsts of the Gardens of Ynn. In this perpendicular reality they are tracing the sigil that will take them to the city once called Drist.
- Masvani rests on the back of his giant Necromantic crab, sleeping away the day on his throne while it walks sideways after the others.
- He awakens to find that the group have come across a charming village with a whole garden of statues! All are on sale!

- Masvani buys a bone china statue of himself. Benito buys a couple of paired statues of Celebus in a homoerotic scene.

--- Burial Loam

- The party continue on, tracing the sigil to Drist.
- They pass across bridges amongst giant trees. Below, a vast clockwork lawnmower grinds down huge grasses.

- Darkness falls as they descend the bridges down to a hilly region punctuated by greenhouses, all of which contain orchids. A huge and powerful caterpillar blobs gregariously among them.

- They look for an empty building and find one - a shed with half-full compost bags drooping open.
- Masvani keeps watch through the night.

- Or does he! Benito awakens to find a toothsome compost bag gnawing towards his legs!

- Masvani hears the commotion and runs in! The teeth are the creature, not the bag, so he manages to lure them all into a flowerpot and seals it for later use.

--- From Above

- Rested despite the commotion, the party travel forth. They have claimed penny-farthings from the previous location and ride them tremulously.

- They see a crashed ship atop a hill and exert their legs to reach the top. It's a downed Red Elf craft, skittering visually in this cognitive realm between a huge soap-bubble, a beached galleon, and a flying saucer.

- The party trade with the Elves. Masvani gains a lovely set of loose-leaf teas, each of which has interesting proper teas. Benito gains a fine perfume.

- They head off and From Above a certain player knocks a glass of water over my lovely Paths cards illustrated by Chris Riddell and we decide to cut the Gardens of Ynn gimmick short to allow them to dry. To players: Please don't make a habit of this.

--- Overcast 

- They emerge into a garden that is chaotic to the layman, but well-tended to the gardener. The sky is overcast. The garden is dotted with marble busts of luminaries vaguely recognisable.

- In the garden is - click here -  

- She has beautifully muscled legs and a floral dress. A trad wife!

- She tells them that this garden is known as the Iron Forum, and the statues are the strongest among the Broligarchy. She starts as she recognises Hammer, who hides behind a pillar and downs a Potion of Shrinking to get out of sight and climbing up onto a shoulder.

-- We Like, We Like to Party

- The Inn is called the Velvet Peg and it is pretty packed. There's not much ale on tap but they've got protein slop for days. All the meals available are variations on rice and chicken. Gym equipment lines the walls and dropped weights litter the dance floor.

- Benito is approached by an older man (no homo) and given ancient words that might allow him into the VIP room. He fails!
- Mother Flotsam tries next, despite being (-) she passes the test!

- The older man leads them forward to the back room...

--- Swole Trader

- They meet Gaius Fleximus Aurelia, an absolute adonis lying on a long couch. He runs this city for now. Celebus is the real leader, but he's losing his form so Gaius has had to step in as his Spotter.

- If the party wish to stay and become part of the town, they must beat all challengers at chandelier lifts, taking a chandelier rope each and beating the other at how many they can do.

- However in the basement they have... THE BONE! The famous BONE that can be lifted!

--- The BONE

- Benito demands to see the bone. He descends into a basement of naked muscled men all showing off to each other and approaches the bone itself.
- He snorts a line of Notcoke and... succeeds! Alas, the benefits are meagre compared to the detriments to his mind. Still, he's stronger! 

- Hammer tries the same and - lo! - he lifts the bone! All around clap for him!

- Both are cursed. Benito loses a lot of intelligence and wisdom in the pursuit of strength, and must now beat someone unconscious lest it happen next time he sleeps. Hammer gains Strength and Constitution, and must now devour food until he falls unconscious, which he gets to immediately.

- Hammer passes out full with great pride. Benito is approached by a merchant with an idea of whom can be beaten unconscious...

--- Research Items

- Since they'll be here a while, Masvani researches a couple of spells, hoping to reconfigure the fate of poor Benito.
- Mother Flotsam gets to researching (despite being NOT a witch) a spell that will turn a person into a frog.

- With all relatively safe for now, we rest for the evening.

Total: 9000 exp

Treasures:

- A variety of fine teas

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Cartographer (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Man of Directions (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Vanguard and Artificer (200 exp/level)
- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 26978 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 24964 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 21711 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 16144 (Level up at 18000)

Session 454 - Ynntegration

Date: 23 July 1626

Zenith: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory:  

- Masvani-i-Manavi is always stylishly dressed. +2 to reaction rolls when wearing clean and stylish clothes.

Events:

--- Calendula

- In the room at the heart of the great big horrible multi-coloured worm, our heroes have come across an Elvish woman named Calendula in the core, strumming great chords that connect to the heart and/or brain of the creature. She has great big horizontal ears and holds herself with disdainful majesty.

- She observes the party, makes a decision, and reaches into the translucent throbbing wall. She pulls out two "viro-spidos" and places them in defence position.

- Conversation ensues. She was once a bearer of the original Idea of Thorns (civilisational destruction, return to monke) and is now being mentally reformatted by the replacement Idea of Wheat (farming and Kings) upon contact with the baseline reality in which it reigns.

 - Her task was/is to make the Worm destroy value. Previously, this was to tear down the basis of civilisation. Hence the original attempt to make it consume gold and (after the apocalypse) valuable non-mutagenic meat. Now she is making it consume obols. The drive to consume value continues, because the merchant class is the greatest long-term threat to Kings.

- Hammer attempts to explain that currency is useful to Kings. Benito Brazil offers perfume as a thing of value that shouldn't be destroyed. It's all very philosophically interesting.

- She offers to teach them the secrets of fast-travel via the Gardens of Ynn in exchange for avoiding ghastly and unedifying combat, and this is gleefully accepted by the party!

--- Into Ynn

- She tells them the secrets of Ynn. Travel must be from garden gate to garden gate, and follow a path dependent on the place you are approaching. The garden must be at least a little overgrown and lush with life. In these recovering days of the post-apocalypse this network of gardens is blooming back to life.
- They travel through the gate torn in the hide of the worm and look around at a manicured garden, large chessboard in the centre, surrounded by thick hedge. Bones are scattered around and the chess pieces are giant, twice the height of a man.

- They declare that they wish to travel to the Broligarchy located in the city once known as Drist and subsequently Necropolis. The path is formed - a symbol that represents a barbell.
- Benito attempts to tame the elf with his Halfling abilities and is roundly rejected! The feedback stuns him for over a minute. By the time his mind returns she is gone.

--- Bitchers Get Pitchers

- Directions in Ynn are Near, Far, Charmwise and Widdershins. They head Near. Enormous pitcher plants grow in a greenhouse in earthy terrain. Within, under a net, trinkets glisten.
- Masnavi takes a closer look and is immediately unthralled by a pitcher plant! He wonders close and climbs in up ladder-like striations on the pitcher leaf and plunges in.
- Benito sends in his minion and, alas! The same thing happens!

- Benito, in his grief, runs into to save his minion friend but is also enthralled, saved only by Hammer hauling him out at the last second! Hammer's cavemen shoot arrows into the pitchers to little effect.
- Hammer sighs and skulls a Potion of Plant Control, ordering the recalcitrant pitcher to spit out Masvani. It works! Also spat out - a bottle of fine wine worth a full 10 gold.

--- Fine China

- Masnavi eats to heal and the group continue Near.

- The terrain is cliffs with steep drops. A tower is tucked against the rock surrounded by tumbled scree.

- Ceramic bones litter the ground, scattered with blue patterns. Skeletons of the Ynn-Elves. Benito lobs a stone at a ceramic skull and is amazed to see it grow blonde fur to cushion the impact before the fur itself retreats.
- Masvani notices a ghost hanging around that particular skeleton, casts Ectoplasmic Hand, and grabs the ghost round the throat! He stuffs it into a bottle before it can properly react!

- The skeletons are worth 600ob each. Masvani raises one to carry the other skeletons!

--- Resting Place

- They leave and travel Near once more, three steps in total. Hammer questions how fast this fast-travel truly is, but others counter that it would take longer in the prime reality. 

- They come across a well-maintained mausoleum and we rest for the day. They've gone thrice Near. Now it's just once Far, thrice Charmwise, and finishing off the other weight of the barbell.
- The Broligarchy awaits!

Total: 6000 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- Fine Wine (500 exp)
- Three complete Ynn Elf skeletons (1800 exp)

Total: 2300 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- Pitcher plants, kinda (400 exp)

Total: 400 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer and Chef (300 exp/lvl)

- Charles the Cartographer (100 exp/lvl)

- George the Vanguard (100 exp/lvl)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 24228 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 21714 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 18461 (Level up at 32000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 4 Goblin: 9647 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Goblin! +Backstory!

Session 453 - Battenburgivore

Date: 9 July 1626

Zenith: Oberon

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

New Characters:

- Arry Arlow, Once a desairologist (corpse beautician) and ex-Necromancer, he fell out of the game when he realised that he was better at stabbing people than raising the Dead. 

Events:

--- Return to the Worm

- Our heroes are outside the mouth of the huge multicoloured (and increasingly obviously tumourous) worm.

- They head back in and follow their previous route back in. The Nonanists briefly pray and discover that the God today is Oberon, +3 to Ranged.
- They try a new chamber (marbled indigo) and find themselves face to face with a couple of newly renamed "Virospidos", the 10-limbed spidery creatures with the whip-neck and a jagged poisoned beak.

- They are swiftly dispatched by Hammer Hatmaskerson and Arry Arlow, but not without Masnavi-y-Manavi getting stung by one of their poison beaks. He's now intoxicated and staggers behind.

--- Battenwurm

- There are several exits, but one smells of cake so of course they go that way.

- Within a hollow of iridescent puce they see a big fat honest-to-gods Battenburg cake fighting against that sort of worm-bodied wall-burrowing creature with a swiss-army knife of medical equipment for a mouth. They name the worm creature a Battenburgivore.

- The enormous battenburg is thrusting out yellow squares, punching away the Battenburgivore. Hammer and Arry run in to protect the cake, but Arry gets a slingstone to the back of his head courtesy of Mother Flotsam who forgot about the whole shooting into melee thing.
- Masvani slings his fishing rod to molest the far sphincter-door and causes it to close up over the Battenburgivore's worm body! The head squeals!

- The cake takes the opportunity to crush the worm monster with a couple of rapid punches from its pink squares. Victory!

--- Let Them Speak Cake

- The cake opens its innards and speaks warmly from within. Its name is Rudyard and he is from the Gardens of Ynn. His mind, once enveloped by the Idea of Thorns, is now converting to the Idea of Wheat. He thanks the party for their help and tells them that he is here to help reformat the worm.
- They speak with the cake. His entrance was via a tear in the worm that led from the Gardens of Ynn, and his cake-senses tell him that the worm's heart, its core, its cortex, is 6 "rooms" or blisters to the south.

- Masnavi uses a Shape Flesh spell to turn a Virospido from the previous room into an autonomous shield mounted on his walking crab throne.

--- Millions of Sleeches, Sleeches for Me

- The next room is globules upon globules of fluid. Gelatinous Sleeches slither along the walls. These are not renamed because it's a pretty good name. Treasures glimmer in the cracks.
- Mother Flotsam summons up something that is certainly not magic and is surrounded by thousands of flying blades of steely force. She strides forth and the sleeches pop around her, spraying the area with pools of quick-drying glue-blood. This bogs her down fairly swiftly.
- Hammer twists his hand as he releases his sling and spins the slingstone Wanted-style, whipping round the room and killing and/or hurting the remaining grubs.

- Mother Flotsam is covered in clear glue, but she keeps her feet.
- Hammer wades in to finish off the last of them and his victory coccoons him in quick-dry sleech guts. He's basically entombed in resin.

- Masvani has the answer - Embalm! This niche spell turns dead creatures' innards to formaldehyde. The sleech-goo is transubstantiated into pungent yellow liquid, dripping off our stunned and slowed compatriots. A true success for a supposedly useless incantation!

- Squeezing out the Treasure

- There is an abundance of stuff enfolded within the creases of the sleech room.
- Mother Flotsam discovers two wens filled with gold dust, and a highly elastic piece of skin 1' wide.
- Hammer gains Sleech nodules which are worth money, a globule of carmine humour which causes Bleed in a radius when popped, and a Bronze Seed that is forever nice and warm like a hot water bottle.
- Masvani gains a tight-knit fragment of fleebrweb which acts as a fine sieve, eight small crystals worth 20 obols each, and a chunk of scabrous gold-flecked scab worth 170 obols.

--- Heartbound

- They decide to run forth. Several chambers are in their way, but they follow the low heartbeat until the reach the heart, the cortex.

- They enter and see a transparent heart pulsing. Within the heart, dancing and drawing unknown shapes upon the atria, is an Elf with huge horizontal ears, a simple shift, and eyes that leak blood.

- She turns at the sound of our heroes entering her domain. She rejects beauty, and is from the Gardens of Ynn. Her existence, so long overtaken by the Idea of Thorns is being subverted by the Idea of Wheat. She hasn't had a name for it before.

- She is very much a potential boss fight, and so we end before it gets complicated.

Total: 7000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- A couple of Virospidos (100 exp)

- A Battenburgivore (75 exp)
- An abundance of Sleechers (300 exp)

Total: 475 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- Gold dust in two plump wens (350 exp)
- Stretchy Fleebr skin
- 4 Sleecher nodules worth 80 obols together (80 exp)

- A further 4 Sleecher nodules worth 80 obols together (80 exp)

- Glob of carmine humour creates Bleed Poison zone 20'.

- Bronze Seed is forever warm

- Fragment of fleebrweb acts as fine sieve

- 8 small crystals worth 160 obols together (160 exp)

- Gilded scab fragment (170 exp)

Total:840 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- Ratman the Caller (100 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 20678 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 19164 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 13494 (Level up at 18000)

- J Gregory / Arry Arlow, Level 2 Fighter: 2050 (Level up at 4000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

Session 452 - Lo! 't Is a gala night

 Date: 26 May 1626

Zenith: Deusix

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory:

- Hammer Hatmakerson sought revenge against Celebus after being comprehensively mogged. I have no idea what these words mean. When you die, roll on the Cosmic Horror table.

- Mother Flotsam ran into the woods in her youth, following a red riding hood storyline. Alas she met he Devil himself who brought her to deeper knowledge. Witchcraft is in your bones.

--Events

--- Certain Ideals

- Our heroes are at Mt Grumblebelch after at least one night of boozing.

- They question the Dwarfs and discover that they've delved too greedily and too deep.

- They hear of two easy options - kill a big worm that has infested the layer between the stone and the flesh, or enter a strange temple unearthed recently.

- They take the worm option.

-- A Mouth Luminous

- It takes hours but they eventually end up in front of the lips of an extraordinary worm. The Dwarves basically just say "yes that's it".

- The lips of the worm sparkle with colours heretofore unseen. Saturated colour from hot pink all the way though to dull grey.

- Our heroes enter.

-- Gold Devourer

- Hammer Hatmakerson, truest hero, strides forth into the maw. Fronds in the worms' throat reach into his backpack and trousers, fritzing him for gold objects. Alas, they find nothing of value.

- Masnavi shudders as the fronds start to lick up his gold coins. With a flick of the capitalist wrist, he converts his gold into obol tattoos. Somewhere Julgoor cackles.

- Hammer tickles the fleshy fronds before him and they sigh apart.

--- Totally Tubular

- Chambers are explored despite Charles' admonitions that this worm doesn't make sense from a biological perspective. It's mutant and growing, I swear.

- They reach a (the?) fleebrweb and Benito lobs a molotov into the mess of strands. Everything burns.

- This horrifies the host worm. The floor shakes. Everyone other than the extremely powerful Hammer Hatmakerson falls to the wormy ground.

--- Worm Time

- Benito sees a worm flexing forth and (roll roll) takes it over with his mental prowess. It's a tube of gristle wrapped around a long line of technological surgical equipment. It obeys him nevertheless.

- I draw some eyes on my hand and Zoë pack-bonds immediately.

- They stroke open the next door and find themselves in a fleebrweb! There are many fleebrs. Benito chucks a molotov and the fleebrs are all but gone.

--- Stinging Being

- The next cavity contains a ten-legged thing whose legs surround a disk-shaped body. It's awful. Beneath its body is a scorpion tail.

- Benito spins food towards it. It grabs, grips, and devours.

- They chase it into another room where it is assailed by a red worm. Both beasties battle to the death.

- Fear of Assailaints

- Tremors abound. Our heroes avaunt into a side room, closing the fronds behind.

- They decide to cook a meal they call "Slimy but Satisfying" created from Sleech, cored-out red worm, and wheat. It's way better than you'd think!

Total: 8000 exp

FOEs

- A couple of red worms (200 exp)

Total: 200 exp

Exp:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 18628 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 17114 (Level up at 18000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 15911 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 11444 (Level up at 18000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 3 Goblin: 7597 (Level up at 8000)