Tuesday, 5 April 2022

Session 314 - Lads Lads Lads!

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater


--- Aemilius Princeps Returns!
- After a long time surveying his Empire somewhere across the blood ocean, the Halfling emperor and allegedly rightful lord of this land returns!
- He makes his way to the party up the lift, somehow, and is immediately trusted implicitly. Also he has a goat. Not mind-controlled though, just well trained.

--- Romans
- Conveniently enough, the next room is full of a fair number of battlescarred Ancient Roman type guys! Aemilius was with them! They also happen to be the hated foe of Anglo-Saxons, and Swan can't help but charge in!
- They're tough, so Swan bravely flees. The party is now running from a bunch of Romans, and conveniently for everyone Aemilius immediately switches sides and joins the fleeing party on goatback.

- The next room has a huge beating heart suspended, pulsing softly, and a grate at the other end which the goat ably charges down! Swan chops one of the arteries suspending the heart and the blood pumps out at a frightening rate, drowning them in blood!

- There's one problem - Swan needs to kill something before he can put away his shadowy summonable sword, so he's stuck with it out.
- They continue on, passing by a convenient way out of the dungeon if they need it! They're about a third of the way up this great big flesh tree. They're fine though, so continue on.

--- Bloodstone
- A big veiny rock greets them in the next room, and it is emphatically non-phallic ok? Blood from the heart is seeping in behind them, getting closer and closer to this rock. Ominous strings play on the soundtrack.
- They skirt round to the exit from the room before the blood reaches the rock, but hang back just to see what happens. Loads of goopy blood blobs erupting from the monolith is what happens! Time to gtfo.

--- Oi oi!
It's a new zone! This time Sir Robyn themed. It's a whole room filled with grapevines and plush furnishings. The goat monches. Aemilius feels right at home! They hang around long enough for the room to magically reform, grapevines fading to reveal a fountain of wine in the middle of the room.
- Also here - a bunch of 8 foot tall four-eyed long-nosed hooligans barge in! They're drunk as hell and well up for a fight!
- Celebus flash-casts Death Rattle on his skeleton doggo and... it's a Chaos Burst! It's not so bad... he just ends up vomiting up his guts all over the floor. The lads are in various states of Stun or Surprise - aka laughing their arses off at the spectacle.
- Swan gets caught up in a wrestle which is awkward because he's got that massive shadow greatsword out and can't fight back easily in close quarters!
- Dorian Demone slides into the gang of lads and gambits... but crit fails! The lads gambit back and fail themselves! Absolute shambles over that way. They fall into a tripod shape and accidentally tangle their long noses.
- Aemilius fucking murders one of them by stabbing his knife-pistol into their gut, then pulling the trigger. He's got that reload skeleton on standby to reload the thing for him. Good shot, sir!
- Another lad has gotten too close to Celebus' vomit and it sets him off too, spewing up his own guts and covering the misbegotten Necromancer with what is probably mostly beer vomit. It's all in the fountain now along with the wine. Yuck.

- Swan kicks his wrestle partner backwards into said wine fountain and follows up with a wide slice that decapitates the guy he was wrestling AND the guy behind him. Now there's blood in the wine fountain too!
- The last guy straight up gives up and is mollified by Aemilius' offer of a special brew. He mourns his fellow hooligans, but accepts that they did kinda start it.
- Celebus tells the big hooligan that he can join the party if he wants... and the guy just kinda goes along with it! They both wash the vomit off in the fountain, so now they're covered in wine and blood AND vomit. Much cleaner.
- Early night at the Mug House so we end early. Next week - my last session before I'm off to Australia for a month!

Total: 5000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of Romans, outpaced and covered in blood. (400 exp)
- A small mob of huge hooligans. (500 exp)
Total: 900 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 57618 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 52448 (Level up at 72000)
- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 3 Halfling: 6612 (Level up at 8000)
- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 2 Inheritor: 4050 (Level up at 4500)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Cap! +Backstory!

Tuesday, 29 March 2022

Session 313 - A Hammer to Crack a Nut

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Characters:
Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, an Inheritor and devourer of at least one Political Aide and at least one enormous mantis person.


--- The Case of the Very Drunk Lady
- Before the session starts an absolutely rinsed woman turns up and stares at us while gently swaying. We are saved by a bartender.

--- The Case of the Consumed Corpse
- At the start of the session a big purple Ditto drops from the ceiling and glorps over Amanta's corpse, devouring her body completely then transforming into Amanta but with a Ditto face. This fazes nobody somehow, even Tez who's just shown up at a weird time and witnessed the only person he knows here get eaten.

--- Nutcracker Time
- They leave the previous area where they recently murdered a whole lot of cannibals and move through the halls of the Dharga which shift and morph around them. Soon they arrive at a door - it's another special zone!
- Argument is coming from within, and Dorian slides under the door in goop form. Inside it's the Nutcracker for some reason! Redcoat toy soldier dudes vs Ratmen! They've been locked in spirited on-and-off balletic combat for a while, and now it seems they just yell at each other.

- The soldiers leave when the party enters, and the Ratmen attack! One of the ratmans immediately fucking implodes from an incredible 1-in-8000 chance triple crit fail.
- Swan and Dorian start using the turned-over table in the middle of the room to absolutely crush the fuck out of loads of rats. It's a horrifying scene.

- But what's this?? A life-or-death struggle between Archikneades and a Ratman results in his baguette being slowly pushed into his chest like a knife! The baker dies, and the Extras are no more! Didogenes will have to go on as a lone character forevermore... but at least he's got those blast fists and a surprisingly humanoid appearance now. Yes, Tom is now accidentally playing a doge furry.

- The rest of the rats are finished off by conventional methods - ie. stabbing, whacking and/or crushing with the aforementioned table.

--- Horny Time
- One of the toy soldiers who scarpered earlier pokes his head around the door and thanks the party for killing off their long-hated rat foes.
- They check out the barracks and find that it's also a small library... filled solely with POWERLAD erotica from the glory days. Galaxy Johnson's royalties must be impressive, wherever he is now in the universe.

- The soldier tells the party about the horrible wizard who cursed them to eternal struggle against the ratmen. The party agrees to deal with the problem!

--- Just a Big Guy
- The next room is a big round room with a giant nutcracker in the middle of it! He's clearly there to guard the spiral stair that runs around the room and leads up to a door in the Sistine Chapel-esque domed ceiling.

- Instead of fighting him, party members swallow the necklaces that glorp you inside them and have Swan lob them up there. Easy!
- One downside - the domed ceiling has a whole load of angels and if a Lawful character looks at them they risk being sucked into the painting and becoming a new angel forever! Thankfully the POWERLAD novels have made them too horny to be truly pure of heart, so they save!
- The enter the next room and discover an empty CEO-style desk with a CEO-style name bar saying Drosselmeyer.
- There are also a few more POWERLAD novels! Tez finds a key in a painting and uses it to enter the next room... a room with a Nut Bush. Classic. Also a sleeping woman in a glass case, Sleeping Beauty style.

--- Nut Joke City Limits
 A swift metagaming session of looking up the plot of the Nutcracker while I'm in the loo ensues. It seems they'll need to feed her a nut. Much is made of various nut-based jokes.
- The nuts are too strong for you, traveller. Even Swan's mighty biceps cannot crack the nut! The Nutcracker is needed!

- They necklace shenanigan down and beg the Nutcracker to crack they nut, which he does! It's his reason for existence after all! A little white baby mouse flops out, asleep.

- They necklace shenanigan back up and put the mouse on the woman's glass case... and it zoops inside and wakes her up! She is indeed the wizard who can turn people into soldiers and crack mice from nuts!

Total: 7000 exp

- Quite a number of POWERLAD novels! (600 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of Ratmen (100 exp)
Total: 100 exp

- Tom the Chronicler
- George the Expedition Leader
- Kitty the Vanguard

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 55593 (Level up at 64000)
- Ailsa / Tez, Level 3 Barbarian: 7121 (Level up at 8000)
- Tom / Didogenes, Level 3 Fighter: 6025 (Level up at 8000)
- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 1 Inheritor: 2025 (Level up at 2250)

Tuesday, 15 March 2022

Session 312 - A Nice Sit-Down Meal

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater


--- Butlers and Banquets
- Grand doors swing open and our blood-soaked heroes are greeted by a pair of beaming butlers! The butlers motion for the party to enter, saying that the banquet is ready and the host, Herr Normous, will be down to see them soon!
- It's a grand hall, somewhat gone to ruin, tiled with a blend of the different materials of the zones in this dungeon - black glass, velvet, meat, and so forth.
- Iskander is completely covered in blood so decides to have a wash at the nearby sink. Swan tests the taps, all attached to different types of tile, and finds one that just spews out blood. He drinks it! Celebus meanwhile finds a wine tap and guzzles a few mouthfuls.
- Ablutions sorta complete, they are led through to a dining room! There are enough seats for everyone other than the Extras who have catering off-screen. The guests themselves are the sort of insufferable couple-friends who have a lot of shared jokes and history that you're not really privy to.
- There is also a menu! A real life menu prop, how lovely. The dishes sound pretty tasty, but are they...?

--- Tasty Treats
- Onion soup is the first course and it looks pretty tasty. Iskander excuses himself to go find the toilet, while Amanta moves the soup around the bowl a bunch and pretends to eat it. The Extras try the soup (from the catering trolley of course) and have to save against it! They fail and feel sleepy.
- Celebus tries the next course - glazed pork. He gets a nasty tummy ache and takes CON damage! It was definitely tasty, but now he's got a hurty belly :(
- Amanta tries the third course - mushroom civet - and also fails her save! Everyone in the room can hear her thoughts now! How embarrassing for a dinner party!

--- If I May Be Excused
- Meanwhile, upstairs, Iskander has been on the hunt for a toilet for a little while now. His explorations take him past a rickety floor with loads of kitchen stuff piled in the middle and all the way up to Herr Normous' room! There's no proper toilet, but one of the meat tiles has got a gnashing mouth and well... let's just say that Iskander uses the facilities.
- Herr Normous himself is a huge hairy man, but seems quite friendly. He's just about ready now, so they head down to dinner together... or so Herr Normous thinks! Instead Iskander gambits, pushing Herr Normous onto the pile of kitchen equipment on the rickety floor and jumping so the whole thing falls through!
- They're falling together and about to take some fat falling damage but suddenly Swan the Swift is there! He catches Iskander and they look into each others' eyes for a second... before Iskander leaps from his arms with a strange "I would have been fine, silly" attitude. Fans of the popular Swanskander ship go wild.

--- Fine Young Cannibals
- But what's this? The guests are attacking! They were cannibals this whole time! Who could have known!
- Herr Normous stands up, battered from the fall, and yells at his cannibal guests to charge! It's feasting time! But then he immediately runs away and leaves his guests to it...
- Battle is joined, with the tiresome posho guests effectively wielding their knives and forks to stab at our heroes! It's all going fairly well, Didogenes using his newly acquired power fists to do AoE damage, until out of nowhere the the butlers return and one-two deck the shit out of Celebus! He emergency succs down a Last Breath and sends his minions - a zombie dog and a zombie anime girl - to defend him!
- Swan cleaves elegantly through some of the guests while Amanta gets another one with a mantis claw to the throat. It's a bloodbath... and the guests' morale fails! They flee, except for one who it turned out was faking the posh accent. He's actually Irish and named... Tommy O'Reilly.

--- I Mean... It Does Look Pretty Tasty Though
- With their foes defeated, it's time to take stock. And, well, that food does look pretty good... and there's got to be some upside to eating it right? It wouldn't just be regular poisoned would it?
- Celebus tries some of the pork that gave Amanta a projected telepathy, and actually passes the save! He can now read thoughts of those he's looking at! He reads the thoughts of his zombie minions and discovers that they are in constant agony, spiritual torment, craving an end to this unliving hell. "lol" says Celebus, "lmao".
- Iskander and Swan go upstairs to the kitchen together ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) to check out the next courses, and they're beset by a barrage of knives and spoons! The chefs are still up here! Iskander crits and murders every motherfucker in the room in an orgy of death. Most of it misses the food.
- Celebus continues eating the pork while Amanta and the Meat-Up head on up to Herr Normous' room to check it out. Amanta tries to pick the lock, but breaks it by accident. Bummer! Didogenes uses his doggo power fists to blast down the door instead. Much easier!
- Inside they find some chests with meat in them! Except at least one is alive! A meaty tendril swipes out and pulls an Extra into its gnashing maw! They leave instead of dealing with the meat monster. They've been dealing with too many meat-themed beasties recently anyway.

--- Amanta's Last Bite
- They all gather in the kitchen. Amanta is very very intrigued by the chocolate cake called "Le Marvellous". It's a towering chocolatey confection. Given the way the meals seemed to be getting weirder and more dangerous over time, the chocolate cake should be the most dangerous of all... and that means a good upside right?
- She can't help herself, she needs to try it! She takes a big bite, gobbles it down... and feels her insectoid stomach begin to liquefy. It's a deadly poison cake! She immediately drops to 0HP and gains 14 Trauma poison!
- It's a tense few moments as everyone throws everything they can at saving her life. It's not enough. Her carapace burns through from within, liquefying and dumping part-digested chocolate cake onto the floor as she scrabbles in her final death throes... and dies.
- Iskander, tears in his eyes, knocks back a glass of the pousse-café and almost immediately becomes extremely drunk. A fitting tribute. If they can get her body back out of this place, they'll hold a hell of a funeral.

Total: 7000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Herr Normous (250 exp)
- Many cannibal guests, butlers, and assorted chefs-de-partie (500 exp)
Total: 750 exp

- Onion Soup
- Glazed "pork" loin
- Deadly chocolate cake
Total: 0 exp

- Chronicler: Charles
- Expedition Leader: Kitty
- Paymaster: Tom
- Quartermaster: Ollie
- Vanguard: George

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 53568 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 50423 (Level up at 72000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 45581 (Level up at 56000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 45244 (Level up at 64000)
- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 4 Extras: 8540 (Level up at 14000)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!

Tuesday, 8 March 2022

Session 311 - Cyber Warfare

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
The Meat-Up has a new named character - Immanuel Kunt - an alchemist from beneath the earth who gave Didogenes the doge the potion that allowed him to speak in comic sans.


--- Shogun Styx
- The team are in a megadungeon, every surface the shiny black of a computer screen. The next area loads, and past it they see a large boxy room with three exits, all with a different themed Styx head icon on the wall next to it. Choosing between Robot, Cowboy and Shogun Styx, they go for the Shogun.
- The corridor bends, loading as they go, and reveals a room with a pagoda in the middle and faux bamboo decorating the walls. The Shogun Styx sitting in the pagoda has shaky metaverse hands and no legs, and he's wearing a nice moleskin cloak.
- Celebus tries to mine the cyber-walls for bitcoin and reveals a fat mole creature made of polygons! It leaps at him and tries to bite, but misses and clips through the floor. A white light under the surface shows where it is.
- Everyone tries to kill the mole, baiting it out by smashing the floor, but it's an utter shambles until Swan manages to catch the wriggly creature and start to gut it with his wiggly knife.
- The no-longer-Extras run over to finish the job, but Didogenes bites down too hard on his stabby pen and it shatters, sending shards stabbing everywhere! At least the mole died in the pensplosion.
- Those hurt start cramming some clean meat stomachs into their own stomachs, while the Shogun Styx throws the moleskin cloak over to the party as a reward. They can't get close to him due to the mandatory 1.5m personal space boundary, so they leave him to his metaverse contemplations.

--- Hax
They continue exploring through the cyberworld, coming to a room set up like a LAN party. Six Styxes with different glowing stuff on are gaming, but at the party's approach they stand up and merge into a super-Styx!
- Swan murders him with a crit and the gang continues on.

--- New Zone same as the Old Zone
- The gimmick of this dungeon is that once you've completed a few rooms, you move up the snakes and ladders map and arrive at a new themed zone!
- They land on another Styx cyber-zone though.
- This one looks just like Charles' uni flat, complete with discarded pizza box, half-drank cans of Monster, sticky xbox controllers, the works.
- The kitchen off the living room has loads of dirty plates in the sink, and a mysterious submarine-style hatch where the washing machine should be. They see that it's dripping water and choose not to meddle...
- Swan the Swift is eating absolutely any old shit he finds lying about. Inconsistently cut Dominoes pizza leftovers are utterly annihilated by his gnashing teeth.
- The bathroom is filthy, but there's an out-of-place fire pit in the shower that's being used to smoke some meats.
- Outside they hear a sound... a Styx has returned! It sounds like he's got mates, and they wanna game!

--- Like and Subscribe
- There aren't any other ways out of the bathroom, so the party sheepishly emerges into the living room. The Styx in here is a gamer! And he's connected by shadowy tendrils to a whole lot of shadowy Styxes! They're his gamer buddies.
- While at first he's happy to play a competitive game on the Xbox to battle, he becomes enraged when the party suggest Mario Kart. Mario Kart is a Nintendo property, not Xbox! They're not true gamers!
- Battle is joined, and despite some initial poor descriptions making it sound like the shadowy Styxes can't be damaged, they absolutely can be!
- Swan accidentally stuns himself while Didogenes tears at the main gamer Styx, dealing a critical hit! Gamer Styx is forced to check morale, and Amanta has the ability to make a morale check fail once per session! Thoroughly pwned, Gamer Styx flees with his minions.

--- Shockingly Brutal Anime
- They continue on, out into the hall and on towards an elevator! It's definitely a boss battle elevator, the kind where the enemies jump down at you. There's a save point though, which Didogenes uses to re-summon the Extras! Back to full strength!
- The lift starts moving, the arbitrary knee-high barrier you're not allowed to jump over comes up, and the battle begins!
- Announcing themselves as The Valkyries, anime girls with ridiculous weapons show up! You've got your tsundere redhead with explosion fists, your oblivious-that-she's-attractive big-breasted blue haired girl with an extendo-spear, and of course a child with a massive bow who's 1000 years old so it's not creepy that she looks like a hot 12 year old.
- It's honestly not looking good for the party, these anime chicks are mad powerful. They take a lot of damage in the opening salvo, especially from lolicon girl's attack-back-if-missed bow attack.
- Celebus loses his trousers and underwear for some reason related to finding the 1000-year-old child attractive. This wasn't my doing, he said that himself unprompted.
- Swan kills the redhead... or so he thinks. In fact they use the Death Table to not die! Hurrah!
- It's absolute body horror as the poor girl has her bones snapped, guts gouged out, and is finally ripped to shreds by Didogenes in such a visceral explosion of gore that the two remaining Valkyries are stunned with the horror of it. Fuuuuuck.
- Amanta throws the child off the lift, where she presumably dies from the fall. Iskander knocks the blue-haired girl down to death tokens, where she starts to bleed to death before the blood-soaked Didogenes tears out her throat too. Unfortunately in her death throes she chucks the extendo-spear off the lift! Nightmare!
- Swan had been using the exploding fists, but realises since it's a Save-based area attack weapon it's better off in the hands of someone with much less BAB than him.
- Celebus raises the blue haired girl as a zombie. Such desecration.

--- Your Table is Right This Way
- With that, they roll the next zone... and land on this gimmick map's version of a snake! It turns out the lift was going down not up!
- They reach the bottom and see a blood trail leading off. The bow child survived... and it looks like she took the spear as well. Bollocks.
- They're in front of a set of double doors. They swing open, revealing a couple of butlers who say "ah, welcome, we were expecting you! The banquet awaits!"

Total: 7000 exp

- Moleskin cloak (500 exp)
- 11 Premium Obols (110 exp)
- An Xbox 360 with only one good controller (200 exp)
- Valkyrie Fists of Blasting
Total: 810 exp

- A cyber-mole (25 exp)
- OP Styx (50 exp)
- Gamer Styx and entourage (300 exp)
- The Valkyries (750 exp)
Total: 1125 exp

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 51918 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 48773 (Level up at 72000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 43931 (Level up at 56000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 43594 (Level up at 64000)
- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 3 Extras: 6890 (Level up at 7000)

Wednesday, 2 March 2022

Session 310 - Onwards to the Dharga!

 Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.
Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- The Meat-Up, led by the philosopher-dog Didogenes, were joined by the master baker Archikneades. The dog betrayed him for sweet treats, but was too cute not to forgive. (+1 Con)


--- Preparations
- With the Bone Lord in control of Salivasburger and the Meat Lord ousted, it's time to decide where to go next!
- Poring over a real-life hex map approximately a decade old, they realise that there's a whole half of the map that's literally never been explored by any group of players since records began. Is that mushrooms? Some sort of pyramid? I realise that I'll have to go back and see what I wrote in some very old notes!
- So that's the plan. Some good old fashioned exploration into parts unknown, with only old pre-apocalypse maps to guide them. Fucking cool!
- But first they'll have to travel through the wreckage of the Dino-Dome. The Dharga is on the way - the enormous flesh-tree created from the unholy union of multiple ex-PCs - as well as the famous Mt Death Frost inhabited (we assume) by yet another ex-PC who got turned into a vampire.
- Swan and Iskander go halves on a horse while bickering and Celebus buys a meat-powered cart, equipped with multiple millipede legs to help it cross rough terrain. They stock it with travel necessities. The weather isn't as deadly as before, but it's still weird and wild so sitting in a protective wagon is very recommended!
- Before they leave they meet a surprise character! It's Julgoor, and he's discovered a way to fast travel! Considering the exploration plans, this couldn't come at a better time! Since he's a Greed Demon specialising in commerce, the catch is that he can only set up his shop (and thus a fast travel node) in a location that contains capitalism... ie. a town. The other catch is you have to go through the Gardens of Ynn, so it's not necessarily safe.

--- On the Road Again
- They roll (scurry?) off into the meaty wastes, aiming for the Dharga. Insects buzz, biting at the flesh of the meatlands and flitting around the horses. It's a low humid heat, making the ground slick with sweat.
- Soon they're passing by the lake that used to flow out from within the Dino-Dome. It's cloudy with blood, like milk poured into tea, and something snakelike is squirming beneath. They skirt around, leaving well enough alone, and come to the ruins of Enoch.
- The houses are in disrepair and part-covered in lumpy tumours. They weren't the best built hovels at the best of times, and the Meatlands have not been kind. There is, however, a hissing sound like static... as of a radio tuned to the wrong channel.

--- Stomach Ache
- Intrigued, the gang dismount and pick their way through the overgrown village. There are strange lo-glopping noises, probably something to do with the meat growths...
- Celebus heads directly to the town's main square whilst the others are more cautious, circling around and picking their way through the side streets.
- There is a sound like a bunch of bags of mince falling off a shelf behind Celebus. He turns and... there's a crowd of ten small stomachs flopping towards him! They came from the roof!
- They flop and jump at him, surprisingly quick, and he starts stabbing! They open up and he sees that they've even got teeth!
- The rest of the team show up and make short work of the stomach swarm. What was that about?
- A small cry of "our children!" comes from another rooftop. Those were baby stomachs! Swarms of angry stomachs the size of a full-sized stomachs flop and flubble into battle!
- Celebus remembers that he's got zombie dog minions, and casts Death Rattle! The awful howl stuns or staggers the swarms of stomachs... but does the same to Celebus' compatriots! Friendly fire is on!
- The party set to stabbing the gnashing maws! Their stomach acid attacks melt armour, to Iskander's chagrin. Swan laughs a Barbarian laugh at his need for armour, but since he's surrounded by hungry bellies he tries to grab one and melt through the wall of a house for cover. It goes half-right, and he falls backwards into the house with stomachs gnashing at him!
- The stomach forces are whittled down by cleaves, multi-attacks, and some bread-based attacks from Archikneades, until the final few are alive...
- There's an aerial shot of the battlefield, slowly moving to reveal the extent of the destruction. There are two left. A stomach tries to stuff its guts back into its battered body. Another kisses a locket of its lady love and a single tear rolls down its cheek. A wailing chorus for a soundtrack. It's a massacre.
- Swan steps out of the wreckage and kills the final cowering stomachs. The party celebrate their victory! 

--- Message to All Survivors
- With the stomachs collectively disgorged, it's time to check out this mysterious static sound. It's coming from the house that Swan previously acid-burned through the wall of, and inside they find a flat screen TV overgrown with strips of flaky skin.
- On the TV is a repeating message from Julgoor! But he looks much different to the one they previously saw over in Salivasburger. His gold mask is tarnished and his body is thin and reedy. He tells any survivors who find this to head over to Neo Spacedin, that's where the people from Enoch have fled to.
- Before heading out the party loots the local area. Turns out a fair few of the stomachs contain, against the odds, valuable Clean Meat. There's also a vial of poison, a vial of holy water, and a handful of valuable trinkets left behind by the former residents!
- They take the TV to upgrade the wagon and replace it with a sign with directions to Neo Spacedin. In-cart entertainment! It only seems to play reruns presented by some sort of rastafarian moon banana.

--- Nosferatu
- They head for the enormous flesh-tree Dharga, crossing the shattered line of sharp diamond shards that used to make up the Dino-Dome and continuing to the gently rising flank of the tree. What looked like insects are, it turns out, some sort of winged bat-people!
- They start to circumnavigate the turgid trunk of the Dharga, seeing a large raccoon skulking about in the tree limbs high above.
- They run into some intelligent life! It's a lady dressed in armour made from cured bacon, and a nosferatu-looking vampire motherfucker. Despite initial appearances, the vampire is kind of pathetic and dependent on the womans' blood. Turns out the vampires who started drinking blood straight from the Dharga mutated into these things. It is still broad daylight though, so they've lost one weakness even if it makes their eyes water.
- She tells them that there's an entrance to the Dharga nearby! It seems that this is some sort of megadungeon! The party thank her and move on.

--- Red Slime
- Before finding the entrance they spot an enormous lump of red jelly attached to the side of the tree. It's moving along the tree, finding wounds, and healing them!
- This is far too intriguing for the Meat-Up, who collectively decide to throw themselves at the jelly and see what happens. In fact it talks to them! They ask nicely to be healed and, with a stroke of a big gloopy tendril... they are!
- Unfortunately they also develop a mysterious red rash. Hmm...
- They find the entrance to the tree. It's a long corridor snaking its way in, but the walls are rings of black shimmery crystal, oozing flesh, and even velvet.

--- Cyber-Styx Action
- The path in shifts and cracks as they walk, clearly entailing the physical effects of this dungeon where the gimmick is that it generates on the fly!
- They reach the first area - a large room made from the black glassy material. There is a door with a big 13 on it, and another with a big handprint on it, and importantly 4 data-projection goblins messing around with a statue on the far side of the room.
- The Meat-Up go up to ask about the door with a number 13 on it... and are attacked! The goblin-projections cackle, manifesting black shard swords to attack with! Also they're horrible internet troll guys who laugh at you and tell you to git gud.
- Iskander cleaves in with all his might, while Amanta skirts around and investigates the statue. It's wearing a cloak, and when she puts it on she realises that it billows out in a really cool way and makes you look sick as hell!
- The Meat-Up keep getting savaged by the goblins, and each time one of the background Extras dies their red rash pulses and their head explodes. Ah..
- Soon the reach 0 HP and both Didogenes and Archikneades realise that they're the last ones left!
- Didogenes is now a Fighter until the Extras can be reformed, with his loyal master baker companion. If one of them dies, the Extras will be no more...
- Luckily the goblins are almost all dead. Swan shanks the last one and drags it over to the hand door, slamming the goblin's hand onto the scanner and opening the door!
- The room ahead ripples with pixels as the room is generated before their very eyes, but it's late so we end on a cliffhanger!

Total: 8000 exp

- 36 Clean Meat (36 exp)
- Vial of Poison
- Vial of Holy Water
- 1000sp of trinkets (1000 exp)
Total: 1036 exp

Foes Defeated:
- Many swarms of toothed stomachs (200 exp)
- Four trolling goblins (100 exp)
Total: 300 exp

- Chronicler - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Quartermaster & Art Attack - Ollie
- Vanguard - Tom
- Chef - George

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 50031 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 45886 (Level up at 72000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 42044 (Level up at 56000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 41707 (Level up at 64000)
- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 3 Extras: 5003 (Level up at 7000)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!

Tuesday, 22 February 2022

Session 309 - Against the Meat Lord!

Date: August 7, 21p.p.

Moon: Waning Crescent - Clean Face
Zenith: Eris

New Characters:
- The Meat Up - a group of philosopher Extras led by a dog named Didogenes


--- Heists Complete!
- The meat city of Salivasburger is in chaos and the T-Bone Tower, the centre of the Meat Lord's might, is now vulnerable.
- The Meat Mechs have been forced to retreat to their depot, exposed due to the impact of a massive undead worm.
- The Meatworks are collapsing into a mutated mess of meaty monstrosity due to a certain industrial accident in the mutant vats, keeping the Carnomancers very busy.
- There's a run on the Piggy Bank, so the population are rioting and forced to eat nasty meat without access to their clean meat deposits.
- And the Skullcrabs are on-side with the Bone Lord's rebellion, since they care not who their ultimate master is so long as they're in control of the city's hidden vegetable supply.
- The Meat Lord is weak, and the Bone Lord's noble warriors are ready to charge the tower. To arms!

--- Ez scout ez life
- The team enter the meaty interior of the tower via stolen Meat Mech hand. The Bone Lord's troops are running through the medium-rare corridors of the T-Bone Tower, fighting in close-quarters combat with the Meat Lord's visibly weakened troops. Long nails instead of claws, calloused skin instead of scales, that sort of thing. The impact of the attack on the Meatworks.
- Guido the Bone Lord has already told them what he knows of the interior, and some nearby Skullcrabs stop fighting the Bone Lord's troops when they're reminded that they're on the same side. Onwards!
- A skullcrab scouts ahead, spotting a pit trap and an otherwise empty room. The party jumps the pit trap and finds a bunch of fine rolled-up meat carpets like kebabs. Brill! They chuck the loot into Celebus' graffitied undead worm and head back in.
- They keep happening to run into friendly Skullcrabs who scout out the next location for them. Very convenient!

--- Mad Romance
- They run into some thorny Goblins who have dug in from underneath with thorny vines. They're here to kill the Meat Lord for the greater good of the Idea of Thorns!
- The one they first meet is in a complicated relationship with the one in the next room. They've both got anthers, so they could never become a pea-pod and make children together.
- After much to-do, the goblins are persuaded that their love is ok, and all is resolved in a lovely manner.
- The leave, passing yet another Skullcrab who is piling rusty spoons on a table and who scouts ahead yet again!
- Passing by a colourful room full of fighting warriors and leaving them well alone, the team enters a room of pooling congealed fat. A big fat statue animates and offers a blessing which Amanta takes... for the next 24 hours she can turn people into bacon!

--- Say Thy Name
- Backtracking slightly, they come to a big cancerous gullet with skin tags hanging down and little mouths that boom out "SPEAK THY NAME AND ENTER!".
- The Meat Up shout "the Meat Up!" and enter with no problem.
- Amanta shouts "Hamanta!" and enters with no problem.
- Swan the Swift announces his true name - "Ill-Fate Snels!" and enters with no problem.
- Celebus shouts "the chicken man!" and is swiftly squirted with a bunch of pus from the cancerous growths! Yuck!
- They are attacked by a creature that is all legs and anuses, but they beat the crap out of it.
- They pass through a room where strings of sausages dangle from the ceiling. They decide it's a trap, given the way the sausages are pulsing, and leave well alone.

--- Against the Meat Lord!
- They enter a familiar chamber, softly lit by the pale white dragon chained to the roof, dripping glowing white liquid from its wounds which are being suckled upon by enormous leeches!
- It's the Dragon's Den yet again!
- Corpulus Thrall, the Meat Lord, a huge skin-kite stretched taut over the body of a huge flesh colossus, pores over a map of the city looking stressed out. He mutters about how it's all gone wrong, then looks up to see the party walk in!
- "Stuff and wotsit, it's bally well you blighters!" he blathers, and attacks!
- Celebus chugs some potions while Amanta crawls up the wall, hoping to jump out onto the Meat Lord's back.
- The Meat Lord strikes Eegor and Swan with his mighty fists, and they stick to his fists like knuckledusters!
- The Meat Up see some backup rushing in from a side corridor - a huge meaty guy with four arms and huge muscles! Didogenes stands his ground, barking philosophically.
- What's this? Iskander is here! Jumping out of Swan's necklace he simultaneously kicks Swan in the groin to dislodge him from the sticky fist, and slices down with his bloodsucking fish-sword! Swan whangs down on the Meat Lord's back with a poisoned hammer. What a team!
- Amanta jumps down from the wall, big mantis elbow-claws bared, and stabs into the back of the Meat Lord's head, sliding down his back and opening his big body up in absolute gouts of blood. He's dead!
- The backup four-armed meat man puts up his arms in surrender. It's over.

--- Bone Lord Victory!
- Guido shows up with his army and gawps at how quickly the party took down the Meat Lord. That was the boss!
- But with that, the city is under new management! Now known as Beyond Salivasburger (tm), it shall be turned into the Wheatlands of Swans' dreams!
- Now that they've got a bodyguard, the party looks around for loot. They find a (literal) chest with 3500 sausages, a goblet made of a preserved boob, a very long 10' bone, an actual Hand of Glory whose light can only be seen by the holder, a surprisingly nice incense burner, and an axe with a handle made of a spine that gives +4 to hit against vertebrates.
- Celebus takes the boob goblet, naturally.

Total: 7000 exp

- classic Hand of Glory
- Spine Axe
- Incense Burner (100 exp)
- 3 Kebabs (3000 exp)
- 2500 sausages (2500 exp)
- Boob Goblet
- 10' bone
Total: 5600 exp

Foes Defeated:
- The Meat Lord himself! (1500 exp)
- A sadly too-slow four-armed Meat Man (500 exp)
- A many-legged bum beast (75 exp)
Total: 2075 exp

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 48063 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 42918 (Level up at 72000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 40076 (Level up at 56000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 39739 (Level up at 64000)
- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 2 Extras: 3035 (Level up at 3500)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!

Tuesday, 1 February 2022

Session 308 - Too Much Meat

Date: August 3, 21p.p.

Moon: Waning Clean
Zenith: Eris


--- Cliffhanger Uncliffed!
- In the meat factory, our heroes Astro-Moon, Swan the Swift, Iskander, Celebus and Amanta, ready for the conclusion of last week's cliffhanger. Celebus had just lobbed an Animate Dead spell at a bucketful of guts held by a crab-handed oompa loompa, and in slow motion we see the results...
- The guts erupt like floppy snakes and start to strange the little orange guy! The other oompa loompas flee, citing safety regs! The coast is clear!
- As a whole intestine starts snaking down the gagging oesophagus of the ambushed oompa loompa, Celebus goes over to a very meaty console and slams a button that says "do not touch". The bulbous tubes connecting the various meat boilers disconnect, writhing on the ground and spewing disturbingly bright pink ooze across the floor.
- Our heroes scurry up the stairs to the next level. It's a very throat-like room. There is much discussion as to which way round the map is in various memories.
- A man with a conical head bustles past the throng, heading towards the blaring alarms from the mutagenic outbreak below. The party, true to form, pretend that they're some sort of inspectors and abscond while the man is distracted by the meaty tendrils crowding up the stairs.
- Iskander peeps into a nearby room and sees what looks like a doctors' office. Several individual cubicles contain winged mutants being interviewed by doctors with clipboards. Iskander fires a special fireball crossbow bolt in there and shuts the door, to screams.

--- Charles' One-Eyed Snake Fantasy
- The team run out into a corridor and take a hard right into a big very Wonka-esque room that's like a field made of meat. The grass is hair. The ground is skin. The river in the middle is a river of thick gloopy stinky brown stuff. Skin-winged butterflies dart about. Celebus gets obsessed with imagined "snakes" that he "kisses" and drinks the "fluid" "within".
- There's a locked door out, which Astro Moon punches open with a Shocking Grasp.

--- Another Baz
- Another corridor, more doors. They open one experimentally to find the entry chamber. There's a coat rack, some seating, and a legless strong-armed man called Legless Baz in a top hat. He asks them who they are, and they give the same excuse that they're meant to be here as biohazard contractors. The biohazard alarms are still going off, so he gives them the benefit of the doubt.
- They had back into the corridor, avoiding a couple of doors, and see a big hollow vitreous eyeball that acts as a window. An exit?
- There a door here too. They peek through and see some dorms. Bunkbeds separated by scrotal flaps that shrink up when touched. Various stuff is found, including some iberico ham, some sausage, a vial of poison under a half-written suicide note, and the end of a fag packet.
- They leave and overhear some guards talking over the party's description. A big mantis, plus a few other dodgy chaps. Fuck.
- Celebus uses Link Portals in the corridor to scooby doo this shit. Every door leads out of a random other door. Let's go!

--- Four-Armed but not forewarned
- The party run through the nearest door and end up in a strange new room! A fine figure of a four-armed 8-foot-tall man flexes on a rotating pedestal, measured by several Meat Magi who are admiring the Meatworks' meat work. The big guy has two heads, one buried in the chest and one on the neck.
- Iskander runs up and shoves a locket straight between the muscle man's butt cheeks. Unfortunately Iskander also gets his hand stuck between those big buns.
- Swan looks on in awe. This is the best day of his life.
- Just then, the guards randomly come out of the nearby door. This day just keeps getting worse!
- High combat ensues. Despite his arm getting slowly pulled further and further into the surprisingly capacious anus of the four-armed muscle man, Iskander manages to use the momentum from the spinning dais to decapitate several guards!
- Celebus and Amanta join the battle but are laughing too hard to hit their foes, to the general mirth of the guards themselves until their mirth is cut short by Iskander's arm-deep rotational decapitations.
- The Meat Magi attempt spells, but Iskander's plan works! The spells are drawn to the spell-attracting locket lodged deep within the four-armed meat man! Successive spells hit him, weakness reducing his gluteal grip and an arcane blood-link attaching his health to Iskander.
- Iskander suddenly realises a horrible truth - killing the man he's fisting will also kill him.
- He drinks a potion of sponginess, which unfortunately was supposed to be applied topically. He vomits it all over his own arm and up the big man's bum crack. His arm become like a sponge and easily, finally, extricated from the powerful rump of his foe.
- The Muscle Man limps out a door for a bit of a lie down after the ordeal. Thankfully for him, he random-doors straight into the dorms, where he places a pillow under his lower back as he lies down.
- A last surprise attack from Legless Baz is forestalled when Astro Moon punches a dead wizard to become a horrible steed, on which Legless Baz can be mounted like a centaur figurehead. He's pleased, and becomes non-violent.

--- The Worst Thing That Can Happen
- Amongst the corpses of several dead wizards and guards, the party ask Legless (Legged?) Baz about how the meat factory could be destroyed.
- He tells them that, on balance, a full mutagenic outbreak such as might be caused by pressing the big "do not press" button down in the basement would wind up destroying the place.
- The gang look at each other with a 😬
- The mutagen bubbles around the doors, forcing them open. Sirens outside grow louder. It's time to go!
- They escape out the front door, Legless Baz cantering along beside them, as the fire department-esque mutagen squad roll up in a big red flesh-van and start spraying the place down with lye. Meatworks... complete!

Total: 6000 exp

- 17 sausages (17 exp)
- A slab of iberico ham (1000sp)
- A vial of blade poison - Trauma equal to damage, one use.
- Three choking cigarettes - breathe out to stun an area of foes, Save vs Blast slows instead.
Total: 1017 exp

Foes Defeated:
- A fair number of guards (100 exp)
- A smaller number of Meat Mages (250 exp)
- Legless Baz (75 exp)
- A four-armed big boss man (750 exp)
Total: 1175 exp

- Chronicler - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Vanguard - George
- Chef - Izzy

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 45028 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 39883 (Level up at 72000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 37041 (Level up at 56000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 36704 (Level up at 64000)
- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 14122 (Level up at 18000)