Tuesday, 19 October 2021

Session 302 - Piggy Bank Heist!

Date: July 15, 14 p.p.

Moon: Full Dragon Face
Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
Swan the Swift burned an entire town down during a raid... which he insists was an act of mercy. +1 to actions that are noble or righteous.


--- Casing the Piggy Bank
- Inside a giant nostril deep in the Meatlands, the party plans their next move. The day is here. It's time to rob the bank! Not only will this hopefully make them rich, but it'll also destabilise the Meat Lord's meat economy.
- First things first, to case the place. Wearing completely unsuspicious disguises, they walk straight in the front door (well, mouth) of the bank. It is, naturally, an enormous pig.
- They note eyeballs growing on the ceiling and peering at people in the queue for the bank. Looks like that's a security feature! The queue inside is even longer and they clearly don't have enough clerks.
- When they finally reach the front, the bored clerk wearing very a sexy bank teller costume for some reason explains the banks' remarkably shit interest rates and other such minutiae. Iskander hides the worm-attracting relic bone inside a single sausage and deposits it with the bank. This will help them break in when they start the heist!

--- Infiltrator Worm
- They return to their nostril HQ and prepare. Celebus wraps and sews together the roll of wormskin they have to create a smaller worm and animates it. Digging equipment is a go!
- A quick detour to the shops to get heist equipment on the way, and the worm team is set.
- Eegor heads to the bank to create a sexy distraction, and the heist is a go!
- They drill through the ground, the worm innately able to follow the worm-attraction necklace even in undeath. It chews through the flesh and meat and comes out in what looks to be one of the pig's massive lungs!

--- Bloody Guards
Tyler Lockheart sneaks up the stairs carved out of the lung and checks out what's above. It's a heart! And inside, not noticing him, are four meaty guards.
- Celebus helps shave Swan's leg so that he can seduce the guards, and helps him into a sexy bank teller costume. He goes up the stairs, sticks out his shaven leg, and coos "seductively". The guard... falls for it! He follows "her" down the stairs... and she immediately betrays him! A swift trip and he falls into the grinding maw of the worm which is still grinding away like a sarlacc!
- The guy explodes into blood, and the other guards come to see what just caused a Wilhelm Scream!
- They drip blood from their pores, and it quickly becomes obvious that the guards can turn themselves completely into moving pools of blood!
- It doesn't help them for long. Despite Iskander's crossbow snapping clean in half the guards are, one by one, kicked into the sarlacc pit. Turning into blood can't save them from the worm!

--- HRmaggeddon
- Threat eliminated, Tyler sneaks up the stairs further and finds the other lung contains a bunch of pig pens and, yes, living pigs! He also sees at least one guard with an anglerfish-headed guard dog.
- Leaving that alone for now, the team looks out into the room beyond the heart. It's sort of a big stomach, with a fair number of clerks diligently working at desks tracking meat stocks. Clerks pushing trolleys piled high with strings of sausages push them back and forth across the floor, taking the meat money to and from the tellers out front of house.
- Swan, still dressed in sexy bank teller gear, tries to grab one of the meat-laden trolleys. The guy pushing it is aghast and complains to the manager - an incredibly angry man with pulsing veins in his forehead!
- After some wrestling, during which the manager gets more and more hulked out as he complains about overwork, Swan loses the wrestle and is kicked out onto the main floor! 
- Celebus sneakily shoots the manager with a stun blowdart, and the guy keels over. It's suddenly chaos as the clerks run about wondering what to do!
- Swan claims the manager sexually harassed him and HR is summoned forth! A very loud and very Australian HR lackey bustles past the rest of the party, who are watching on with amazement, and deals with the issue by having the guards take Swan to a debriefing chamber.
- Inside the debriefing zone... Eegor who was previously arrested for his sexy distraction out the front of the bank is there. Perfect.
- After various HR shenanigans Eegor and Swan are released from the chamber with their severance pay... a meagre two sausages each. What zero unionisation does to a mf.

--- Packing Meat
- Meanwhile the others sneak around, since basically everyone in the vicinity is still tied up with these Human Resources distractions.
- They see where the sausage trolleys are being taken - a big sorting pancreas. The middle-manager within has octopus tentacles and is processing sausage incomings and outgoings, taking in deposits and using them to give to people withdrawing their meat cash. He's busy and flustered and when the party seems to be getting in the way frustratedly moves them on!
- The door opposite gives way to a room with pools of acid and locked safes under it! Surely high value meats are contained within. There is no obvious way of draining the acid to get to the safes, so for now the greedy team can merely look and imagine what's within.
- Going out of the room, they hear a loud announcement that due to an HR dispute the bank is closing early! Convenient! Several of the clerks announce that they're going to the pub, and invite the party along with them! Must be new guys, see.
- Celebus and Iskander go to the pub with the clerks, while Amanta and Tyler hide until the bank is closed and sneak back to the sausage trolley sorting room to steal those sweet sausages. There are about 4000 all told, and they squeakily push the trolley back to the worm in the lung so they can store them for later exfiltration...

- 4000 sausages (4000 exp)
- Swan the Swift's dignity (priceless)

Enemies Defeated:
- 4 blood-transforming guards, worm food (300 exp)
- An extremely angry boss, stun-darted (100 exp)
- The HR system, survived (2 exp)

Charles - Chronicler
George - Expedition Leader
Ollie - Quartermaster and Triage
Kitty - Vanguard
100 exp ea.

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 34604 (Level up at 64000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 24508 (Level up at 32000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 24129 (Level up at 36000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 21387 (Level up at 28000)
- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 3 Specialist: 4181 (Level up at 6000)

Tuesday, 5 October 2021

Session 301 - We're Gonna Need a Bigger Worm

Date: July 12, 14 p.p.

Moon: First Quarter
Zenith: Alaunus

New Backstory:
- Celebus let a mob chase the Goblins into the internment zone after their government collapsed in New Moondin, for justice. +2 to hit creatures you saw harm innocents this session.
-Amanta's mantis partner left her for another mantis... and her vengeance was swift and head-bitey. Auto-crit a creature that takes you to 0HP.


--- Out of Charge
- In a massive nostril out in the meatlands, two giant meat mechs loom ominously over the party. There is one problem - they're out of power. The great umbilicals that connect the mechs to their mysterious power source are only found in Salivasburger.
- Luckily the spider-skulls that helped Amanta to control the Siege Mech know the solution - dragon cores. These meat mechs can be powered directly by the remains of a dragon. Funnily enough the team knows where to find one, since they did after all just kill a dragon.

--- Dragon Experts
- They leave the mechs in the care of the spider-skulls and schlep it to the city. There is a fair amount of disarray since there was a whole dragon explosion and everything. The Meat Mech hangar itself has had countless houses sucked towards it and crumbled in the dragon's death throes.
- Swan the Swift marches proudly in and declares himself a dragon expert! See his shield with a dragon on it? Proof!
- The befuddled meat men Swan and his "interns" in towards the dragon core itself. A big skinny meat mech with big oven gloves on its massive hands gingerly handles the core. It's being driven by Skinny Malinky and a couple of others. Swan declares that the core is dangerous and radioactive and likely to explode!
- Malinky falls for it hook, line and sinker. He disconnects his mech's umbilical and runs to the wall, grabbing a new one from the wall itself. Behind him, Eegor licks some of the glowing bovril leaking from the abandoned umbilical. He seems... fine?
- Malinky drops the dragon core as far from the wall as he can, and watches the "experts" drag it away in one of his mech's massive oven gloves.

--- Worm Hunters 
- By the time they reach the nostril, the core is a bit battered. About a tenth of it has broken off.  They install the tenth in the Assault Mech, powering it up for a cool hundred minutes, and put the rest in the centauroid Siege Mech which gets a whole nine hundred minutes of power!
- They ride off into the wastes, with Iskander clutching his medallion which is meant to summon snakes and hopefully worms.
- It works!... too well! A cathedral-height worm erupts from the meaty ground, grinding towards the suddenly dwarfed meat mechs! The chaos storm that swirls around it forces everyone to swap character sheets for a bit, dramatic!

- Lots of dramatic worm fighting occurs, as the party unleashes all sorts of bullshit on my poor worm and I struggle to work out how this is all going to go. The Assault Mech clambers up the side, getting hooked on the worm's barbs. The Siege Mech canters ahead of the worm, occasionally firing back at the worm from its chest cannon while Eegor lobs the plasma ball into the worm's gullet.

--- Unforeseen Worm Damage
- Since this worm is massive and hard to kill yet also easily kited, they decide to draw it towards Salivasburger and use it as the world's biggest distraction!

- They charge towards the city walls and leap over it in their meat mechs, and the mechs of the city leap into action! One is immediately eaten, ground into bones by the massive worm as it breaches the wall, while another does massive amounts of damage despite getting half its body ripped off.
- The party's mechs unload on the worm until it dies, writhing around the Meat Mech Hanger and chewing up loads of pre-destroyed houses.
- The party use their massive mechs to roll up the dead worm like a blanket and carry it off into the wastes. I fret about what will happen next!

Total: 5000 exp

- A whole Dragon Core (10000 exp)
Total: 10000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- An enormous worm (1500 exp)
Total: 1500 ex

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 33623 (Level up at 64000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +Barbarian Table! +Backstory!
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 23427 (Level up at 32000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 23148 (Level up at 36000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 20406 (Level up at 28000)
- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 3 Specialist: 3300 (Level up at 6000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Tuesday, 28 September 2021

Session 300 - Attack on Meatvangelion

Date: July 9th, 14 p.p.
Moon: Waxing Crescent
Zenith: Alaunus

New Characters:
- Tez the Barbarian - an extremely dilligent Elf Inspector with cold iron weapons and a lust for elf-slaying.
- Noobit the mighty Dwarf - a Doomsayer completely vindicated by the end of the world.


--- Planning a Heist
- A dim light hangs above a table in a dark and meaty room. On the table is a map. It shows the above-ground buildings of the Meat Mech Hangar complex, the place our team must infiltrate in order to steal a Meat Mech for the next stage of the heist. Standing in the darkness is Medium Baz, once and future bent copper and current heist planner.
- Why is he here? Well, he just so heard through the grapevine that a certain team of a certain number of adventurers was planning an assault on the Meat Mech Hangar, and it just so happens that his needs align with our heroes. His brother, Small Baz, is in the lockup on site and needs to be broken out.
- Also here, two new members of the team. Tez and Noobit, chosen for their particular sets of skills... and also because they happened to be on the street at the time.
- There are three possible points of entry. Thin tunnels used by the Skull-Spiders, a complex used to create the Meat Mechs inhabited by the Meat Magi, and a small facility used by the local Guards to keep order.
- They decide on their way in. They'll get arrested, taken to the Guards' lockup, steal some keys, and break Small Baz out. From there they'll use the keys to go down the grate and get into the Meat Mech Hangar itself. From there it should be easy to steal a Meat Mech... right?
- He also tells them what he knows of Meat Mechs. Three people need to get into a Meat Popsicle, this Meat Popsicle is inserted into the back of the neck of the Meat Mech, and the three people work in concert to control the Mech itself.
- They exit the room and come out into the pub outside. Turns out it's easy to start a brawl in a room full of mutants! Tez punches out a tough looking customer and his mates come to his aid... and soon the Guards arrive to take the belligerents away. So far so good...

--- The Heist Begins!
- The team is thrown into a dank jail that drips with greasy fat. Once the guards have left they look around, Noobit's eyes immediately adjusting to the dark. In other cells they can see a small man - presumably Small Baz - and a clown. Amanta uses a claw to unlock the cell door and... fails. It's a tough lock it turns out.
- Luckily, as previously planned, Celebus has a bottle of tequila secreted in his fundament. He uses this to bait over the guard, and will he gives the guy a shot Amanta reaches through for the keys. Success!
- They knock out the guard and unlock Small Baz's cell. He sounds similar to Medium Baz. They're about to leave, when they decide to see if the clown wants to cause a distraction. The clown agrees... and unsheathes some long knives before running out of the jail and into the police station. Screams come from within.
- Distraction in place, the team (including Small Baz) infiltrate the rear of the station. They hear yelling and dark laughter from front of house, but the rest is clear. They sneak through a bedroom, past a sleeping guard, and into the armoury where all their stuff is! They also see some literal arms up on the wall next to an enormous buzzsaw.
- Tez decides to take the Strong Arm and runs at the buzzsaw, chopping her right arm off in a meaty manner. He nearly dies, but eventually after several attempts Noobit manages to jam the new arm on in a way that works. Tez now wields the Strong Arm of the law!

--- The Dragon and the Meat Mech
- They've already got the keys, so they go for the grate that will let them down into the Meat Mech Hangar beneath the ground. It's a long ladder down.
- At the bottom is a huge room with a large glowing purple pool in the centre. They peer down and see a huge dragon, pulsing with purple light. Huge leeches suckle from its smoky flesh, and pipes run from below into its chest. It has a Mass rune on its forehead so Amanta and Celebus start trying to work out what kind of dragon it could be, to Noobit's general confusion.
- They leave it well alone and examine the exits. Two larger double doors flank a smaller door with an intricate opening mechanism. The middle one's no good, so they enter one of the larger doors and are confronted by a Meat Mech! A gantry crosses a deep vat of blood, the mech's big dopey face is asleep, and on the other side of the gantry an enormous chest cannon rises. Dimly beneath the blood, a broadly centaur-like four legged form can be seen.
- The Meat Popsicle can be seen across the room, ready to be loaded into the Meat Mech once it contains the full contingent of pilots.

--- Leeches!
- They walk back out into the dragon pool room and across to see what's in the other bay... and a massive leech leaps out of the water and latches onto Celebus! Noobit despatches it with ease.

- Celebus decides to eat something to heal... and is almost immediately attacked by more leeches. Maybe should have moved away from the leech pool before having a snack.
- Small Baz attempts to help, but slips and falls into the water where he is swarmed by massive leeches. Tez reaches out with his elf-testing cold iron rod... and sees Small Baz's skin ripple and his ears grow pointy as he touches it. Tez shakes off Small Baz's hand and lets him sink from sight. No mercy for Elves.
- The other leeches are swiftly killed, but the purple glow from the pool begins to pulse. Looks like those leeches were keeping the dragon pacified...

--- A Second Mech
- They hustle into the other hangar and see an incredibly meaty mech. Its head is practically buried under thick bulges of pure muscle.
- Out in the dragon room, Amanta sees a spider-skull crawling along towards the other Meat Mech. She blowdarts it and runs back to the first Meat Mech in time to see that two more spider-skulls have already taken up slots in the Meat Popsicle! The pulsing of the dragon pool grows. It's now or never!
- She runs over and jumps into the top slot of the popsicle. Her spider-skull companions are a red-haired skull with a fiery attitude, and a blue-haired skull with a passive demeanour. Amanta, of course, forms the head. Automatic strands of tendon pull the popsicle up into entry position, and it slams down through the back of the mech's neck! Amanta is now looking out through the eyes like a screen, and feeling the emotions of her fellow pilots.
- Not wanting to be left out, Tez, Noobit and Celebus run to the muscle mech's meat popsicle and jump in! Tez forms the torso, Noobit forms the legs, and Celebus forms the head! They slam into the back of the mech's neck too, and a loud alarm saying "EMERGENCY LAUNCH" blasts out!
- The emergency locks disengage, and the mechs shoot up out of the hangars and onto ground level above!

--- Dragon vs Mechs
- The ground before them erupts as the massive space-time dragon emerges from the ground!
- Umbilicals disconnect from the mechs, and little screens saying "05:00:00" pop up and immediately begin counting down the seconds. Not much time to kill a dragon!
- Amanta hears the voices of her spider-skull copilots scream out for orders, and unleashes the chest cannon! It hammers into the dragon's flank, and the rest of the team in the Assault Mech follow up with a haymaker to the dragons' jaw! The dragon counters by breathing out a stream of shattered space-time, piercing the Assault Mech and sending splinters of meat melting outwards.
- The Assault Mech recovers with a powerful knee attack by Noobit, forcing the dragon to fumble and leave itself open to attacks from both its enemies!
- Amanta triggers her centauroid Siege Mech's huge cannon and crits! It blows a massive chunk from the dragons' side, and it roars in distress! Tez follows up with a headlock, and Noobit hits up with the knee to crush its skull!
- The dragon's form dissolves into black smoke, sucking in towards a glowing purple centre. Amanta and Celebus know to run - a dragon's death throes can be worse than fighting it in the first place.
- The Assault Mech leaps astride the centauroid Siege Mech and they charge away, leaping across the meaty walls of Salivasburger in a single bound and escaping into the meatlands.

--- Safe... for now.
- The mechs make it as far as they can before the power runs out, one hiding in a cavernous anus and another in a nearby giant nostril. Next time it's time to bag a Chaos Worm... if they can work out how to get power to these Meat Mechs at least.

Total: 8000 exp

- Two functional Meat Mechs!

Exp Totals:
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 19848 (Level up at 36000)
Level up! +1d4 HP! +Free Spell! +Backstory!
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 17106 (Level up at 28000)
- Alistair / Noobit, Level 2 Dwarf: 2000 (Level up at 2000)
Level up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +Backstory!
- Ailsa / Tez, Level 2 Barbarian: 2000 (Level up at 2000)
Level up! +1d8 HP! +Barbarian Powers! +Backstory!

Session 299 - A Hell of Pure Imagination

Date: July 9th, 14 p.p.
Moon: Waxing Crescent
Zenith: Alaunus

New Backstory
Iskander had his first water-based battle and was washed away, thankfully he washed up in a big pile of treasure and now loves the waves! +1 Piloting


--- Hellworld
- After Iskander put a ring on a corpse's finger and opened a portal to hell, our heroes gaze into the screaming portal and wonder wtf they should do.
- Celebus ties a skeleton to a string and sends it in there. Most ominously the skeleton is somehow walking towards the party, but away. The landscape within is pitted and scarred with craters, ending at a cliff edge with a metal gazebo built onto and over it. 
- When Celebus pulls the skeleton back it's cold, but unharmed.
- Swan is first to walk through the portal and is similarly backwards-turned despite intending to move forward. In the background behind the portal is a vast crumbling yellow city. 
- Battleflies - twitching curling gossamer butterfly creatures - appear in the air and approach chattering. These are real somehow, not the papier mache constructs fought in the house they've just left.
- The rest of the party follow on, talking to the battleflies who will show them the master of this place.

--- The Dread Gazebo
- They backwards-forwards walk towards the gazebo on the cliff edge, warned in advance by the battleflies that the craters are full of slugs. Iskander offers Swan the Swift a swig of his chaos-resistance tequila and Swanny chugs the lot. Swannyyy!
- Inside the gazebo is a man whose skin is stretched across a metal machine and whose brain is being drilled into, sucked out, and recirculated. He's in pain... but it's worth it because this machine allows him to make his thoughts into reality! At least in this reality. This is indeed Bashir the painter who abandoned his home for this one, using his wife as a grim catalyst.
- He asks about whether the party has met the Bone Lord, and when asked what the Bone Lord looks like he conjures a giant skeleton from Celebus' skeleton. Bits of brain-stuff clearly evaporate as he does so.
- Swan requests a magic sword, using his sword as a vessel, and gains a legendary sword! It looks rad as hell.
- The party notice that the portal is clearly flickering as Bashir's brain evaporates from their requests. Time to go!
- They reverse-walk back to the portal, and in one last act Celebus reanimates the corpse of Bashir's wife and sends it into the portal to be with Bashir one last time. The portal flickers shut... but they hear Bashir's imagined version of his wife yelling at him shrilly.

--- I'm Seeing Double Here!
- They leave and the creepy skull spider guy marking their tests reveals that they passed it! They're clearly heroes! Or at the very least pretty well versed in weird shit. His name is Terrence Skull, and he leads them through the black market to meet the Bone Lord...
- Also the black market looks pretty awesome as they pass through. They'll come back for admin for sure.
- They are led through to a spooky cathedral filled with bones! It's like the Paris catacombs in there. And amongst the bones, sitting on a bone throne, is none other than Guido! Yes, fan favourite giant skeleton friend has returned as the Bone Lord! The exact opposite of the Meat Lord!
- Also here is... another giant skeleton? It's easy to ascertain his name of GORATH because he yells it at every opportunity! And finally, the Flayed King! Once protected by GORATH, now taken to the Meatlands to help fix his flayed condition. He still looks like his skin is kind of droopy and buttoned on, but it's better with Meatland Magic to help stick him back together.
- It was useful for GORATH to turn up, because it means that Guido in his guise as the Bone Lord can do seditious anti-Meat Lord activities in one area while having a perfect alibi in another area. After all, there wouldn't be two giant skeletons right? The Flayed King is more on the admin side.
- Guido reveals that he's feuding with the Meat Lord, who hoards clean meat for his most favoured subjects and lets everyone else mutate on random meaty morsels they find in the greater meatlands. It's not right! The Meat Lord must be stopped!

--- Heist Planning
- Going by the Bone Lord's plan, there are several places that can be struck by a small committed team in order to destabilise the Meat Lord and make an eventual assault on the Meat Lord's massive T-bone steak palace more likely to succeed.
- The plan currently seems to be a three part process. Infiltrate and steal a Meat Mech from the Meat Mech Hangar. Use the Meat Mech to catch a Chaos Worm out in the meatlands. Use the Chaos Worm to dig under the Bank (which is a huge pig) and do a heist from the inside, stealing the Meat Lord's clean meat stash and making the populace turn against him.
- Since this is a lot of DM prep, they decide to head out into the black market and see what they can get there.

--- Black Market
- The stalls of the black market are many, but several stick out. The soul seller - great for Necromancers. The seed bank, which piques Swan the Swift's interest. Clean Meat sellers, ever important and extortionate. And an Illmonger, who sells sicknesses. The party loads up on various bits and pieces, Swan the Swift especially getting some wheat seeds so he can begin his Meatlands-to-Wheatlands plan.

--- The Mad Scientist
- Finally they head over to the Mad Scientist who they briefly met last session, who has a variety of increasingly bizarre guns. They ask him to create a bag gun that can capture a Chaos Worm and, intrigued by the challenge, he gets to work!

Total: 7000 exp

- A vial of purified Azoth (100 exp)
- Various bits and bobs from the black market
Total: 100 exp

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 30323 (Level up at 32000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 20127 (Level up at 32000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 17848 (Level up at 18000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 15106 (Level up at 28000)
Level up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Improved Saves! +Backstory!

Tuesday, 14 September 2021

Session 298 - Tested by the Bone Lord

Date: July 7th, 14 p.p.
Moon: Waning Crescent
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:
- Astro Moon ensured that her anime enemies suffered... through her long and clearly reused transformation sequences. Once per session, threaten someone to make them tell you the truth.


--- Breakfast in Salivasburger
- Down a cobbled alley flowing with sweat, nestled between half-timbered Tudor style houses fixed up with chunks of flesh and pasted-on skin, our heroes wake up in the Steak and Ale inn that they paid good meat-money for and head down to breakfast.
- Iskander checks out the buffet with an expert eye and identifies the Beefy Haunch as a better and less mutagenic option than the Chubby Beak. He's also got a ring of sausages around his neck - clean meat! - so he's living large.
- And lo, Swanny is here! Walking down the street into Salivasburger! Iskander runs to meet him jubilantly, throwing his arms around his rival and sticking a "kick me" sign to his back. It transpires that in the night, a head on spiderlegs with skull facepaint tapped on the window and left a note saying to follow it in the morning because they "must be tested".

- An old lady sees Iskander's sausages and begs for one. Some guards see this and wander over. The talker is Medium Baz, different to Big Baz, Boss Baz, Big Boss Baz, Small Baz, and several other Bazzes who live in the town and work as guards. He won't take bribes, but he will of course take gifts for his family.
- They chat for a while, and Astro Moon spots the white skull on a nearby awning. They decide to follow, though on the way they briefly meet some mad scientist type who's going out of the city to test out his cool new arm-mounted gun.

--- By the Black Pudding Market
- They follow the white skull to an abandoned painters' studio. They also see the entrance to the black (pudding) market, with furtive people heading into a nearby door that leads down somewhere sinister.
- Iskander trades some sausages for a gold necklace a lady wanted to pawn off in the market below, so he's saved her a trip!
- The white skull-spider whispers that this was not a heroic act, and their current hero test grade is F. Iskander tries to argue the contrary to no avail.
- Swan tries to tell her that she can grow plants in poop, but she isn't buying it.

--- Into the Painter's House
- Astro Moon has now arrived, so the three go into the house where they will be tested. Inside it is smoky and barbeque-y. Unfinished paintings are in the hall.
- The paintings come alive! Luckily Swan was due to destroy someone with his bare hands and the paintings will do. The northern barbarian themed paintings go down fighting, Swan smashing two over a convenient banister while another shlurps into Astro Moon and damages her brain.
- There is a fizzing electric sound as the paintings are smashed, which soon shuts off. The white skull-spider observing tells them that they're currently rated D.

--- Dining Orb
- They head into the next area - a kitchen diner. Placemats with various names (including Bashir, the mysterious painter) are set around the place. An orb is suspended over the table, glass and gold. Iskander looks under the cloche in front of Bashir's seat and finds a smaller version of the same - it's some kind of electro landmine.
- Through some doors is a small lounge. There's a persian rug which Astro Moon immediately sits on in the hopes that it's a magic carpet. Alas, but probably worth a few sausages. Also in here is a silver engagement ring dedicated to "Mina".

--- Battleflies
- They go up the stairs and into the painters' studio. The smoke is thicker here, and colours weave in the mist. The colours resolve into big gauzy insects! The battleflies engage with claws and stingers!

- They are defeated with some effort.
- As they fall to the floor, puppet strings cut and papier-mache stingers destroyed, there is a roar! A huge skeleton with a big rusty sword emerges from a stairway and announces that HE IS GUIDO!
- It's another fake. Iskander rolls the electro landmine towards it and pulls the trigger on his control orb. False Guido the Bone Lord falls over in a raggedy heap.
- They check out the bathroom and find an arcane bath bomb that allows a spellcaster to recover their Mana with a good soak. Neat!

--- Welcome to Hell
- It's getting late, so they decide to rest in a cupboard. But what a cupboard! Inside there are two dessicated heads in the middle of some sort of ritual pentacle with wax candles and everything.
- Iskar puts the engagement ring on a corpse... and a portal opens above the pentacle! Within is a vision of HELL!!!
- Dun dun duuuuunnnnnnnnn!

Total: 7000 exp

- An unmagical carpet (50 exp)
- An engagement ring (100 exp)
- An arcane bath bomb
Total: 150 exp

Foes Defeated:
- Living Paintings (300 exp)
- Battleflies (500 exp)
- False Guido (250 exp)
Total: 1050 exp

- Chronicler / Chef - Izzy
- Expedition Leader / Vanguard - George
- Paymaster / Quartermaster - Ollie

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 26498 (Level up at 32000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 16302 (Level up at 32000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crits and fumbles! +backstory!
- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 12262 (Level up at 18000)

Tuesday, 31 August 2021

Session 297 - Welcome to Salivasburger

Date: July 3rd, 14 p.p
Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: The Dead God

New Characters:
Tinker Rat, a diminutive fairy-like Ratman.

New Backstory:
- Amanta fell out forever with her husband - a male underground mantis. Naturally, she ate his head. It turns out somebody here is a long-lost friend - "wait... John?!" - up to you whether you've forgiven each other by now. One use.


--- In Pursuit of the Zombies
- In the massive bicep, surrounded by buff greased-up muscle men, the party discusses what to do about the Ravenous Zombies they previously accidentally unleashed.
- Iskander tries to lift the giant bone... and fails. He swears to everyone not to tell Swanny.
- The party head off into the giant right hand that thrusts up from the sweaty Meatland ground, climbs up the inside, and make their way across the tendon bridge into the giant left hand.

- They find a sort of defensive chamber that was obviously not enough to protect the massive-brained people of XANAX from the brain-seeking zombies. They grab some globes filled with a horrible substance that makes teeth grow over you, and a dead XANAX cultist with their brain scooped out.
- They go upwards, finding themselves between the huge fingers of the left hand. Strange sigils are tattooed onto the giant fingers, and a couple of XANAXes are up there trying to discern if there's a prophecy about these zombies on there.
- Iskander reads it and learns how to discern good meat forage from bad meat forage! Useful! Tinker Rat learns some music.
- They head down into the hand again and see some of the inside of the hand has been barricaded against zombies. No sign of said zombies though.
- Tinker-Rat peeks down a hole into the meat of the palm and nearly gets jumped! Quick thinking lets her evade, and Amanta chucks a tooth grenade down the hole! It hits the spaniard zombie, and teeth start boring into his skull and growing claw-like over his face.
- The Liber Quint zombie flees, jumping out of one of the hands' massive pores and sprinting off into the Meatlands. A last crossbow bolt gets her in the back, but she rolls and keeps going out of range!

--- The Lens Machine
- Ravenous Zombie away, the party check out the room they're in. There's a big meaty machine with a big bony box, and a place in between where one of the several types of lens formed from aqueous humour in a transparent skin.
- Experiments, naturally, ensue. It's all fun and games making diamonds double in size or spellbooks change colour until it is discovered that doing this makes the object unstable and eventually turn to sludge.
- Astro Moon suddenly realises that her spellbook, now a nice shade of blue, is on borrowed time. It's even getting squishy in her hands.
- They return to XANAX and are thanked profusely for saving them from the zombies! They are rewarded by being allowed to suckle from the horrible phallic milk-teats that grow from a cyst on the wall, and also given 100 precious iron rations that they'd been saving in case something happened to the teats.
- Everyone suckles on the teats in more and more overtly sexual ways, except for Amanta who just squeezes it into one of the bowls provided and drinks it from there. Nutritious, though!

--- To Salivasburger
- It's time to head on to the main city of the Meatlands, formerly Salisburgh and now naturally known as Salivasburger, its stone walls emerging from fatty deposits that look like they're trying to suck it down into the meat.
- It's an uneventful trip other than the smell of sweat pouring from the skin-ground. It's very hot, so the skin is slippery and sweaty.
- After a few hours they're at the gates of Salivasburger - a pair of massive gnashing teeth turned sideways, defending a long throat that leads through the wall and into the town proper. A mutated guard, looking from above, inspects the party and orders the gates opened to let them in.

--- A Mysterious Murder
- The city of Salivasburger, once walled by stone and packed with half-timbered buildings, is now packed also with meat, bone, and various bodily fluids. The gutters run with pale red liquid, repairs to buildings are completed with stretched-out skin canvases and lumps of cancerous meat, and the people are a motley crowd of mutated people and beasts.
- Somehow Iskander and Celebus are the weirdest people here. Nobody bats an eyelid at a giant mantis-woman or a fairy rat, but they give a wide berth to the unmutated strangers in their midst.
- They look around, somewhat overwhelmed, and hear a scream from down an alleyway! They see a shadowy hooded figure murder someone with a long dagger and give chase!
- The drool-slick cobbles slow their movements and the figure looks like it's going to escape... but suddenly its head falls off and rolls down the drain! Or did it scurry off on lots of horrible little legs?? The body falls to its knees... and starts sniffing around like a dog before noticing the party and running off on all fours.
- Tinker Rat flies down into the sewer to chase the head and meets several other rats down there. They explain that it's a fairly common type of creature around here, but they don't know much more. They offer Tinker Rat some unclean meat to be hospitable, and Tinker Rat partakes to be social.
- Tinker Rat's face slides off.
- She dies.
- Up in the alleyway the rest of the party is none the wiser and, after waiting around for half an hour, decide that Tinker Rat probably returned to her own kind. They exit the alleyway and head out into the city, while a mere half a metre beneath their feet Tinker Rat's body is devoured by her new friends.

--- Spellbooks and Sausages
- Astro Moon needs to get a new spellbook made... and fast! Hers is denaturing rapidly, and carrying it around really isn't helping. To that end she asks around until she finds a library, and as is tradition all libraries are curated by Necromancers.
- It transpires that nobody will take Obols here - that's fake demon money you see. Here all trade is done in clean meat - from thin slivers of prosciutto up to big haunches of salted meat when you really want to splash the cash.
- After some bad haggling, the Necromancers agree to copy Astro Moon's spellbook for her. Despite her  protestations the party pay for the service out of their shared coffers. It'll take a few days, but that's better than having to start from scratch!

Total: 6000 exp

- Tooth grenades
- 100 iron rations (1000 exp)
Total: 1000 exp

Foes Defeated:
- 2 Ravenous Zombies, though one escaped... (100 exp)
Total: 100 exp

 Chronicler / Chef - Charles (200 exp)
- Expedition Leader / Vanguard - Kitty (200 exp)
- Paymaster - Izzy (100 exp)
- Quartermaster - Ollie (100 exp)

James G / Tinker Rat - Face fell off after eating some suspicious meat

Exp Totals:
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 14023 (Level up at 18000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 4 Fighter: 13368 (Level up at 16000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 4 Mantis Specialist: 11281 (Level up at 14000)
- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 9328 (Level up at 18000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!
- James G - Tinker Rat - DECEASED

Tuesday, 17 August 2021

Session 296 - Brains and Brawn

 Date: July 1st, 14 p.p.
Moon: Full Moon - Clear Face
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:
- Amanta, in her pre-anthropomorphic days deep in the cold depths of the Earth, ate her mantis "husband" to survive. Can eat 2 rations at a time when you eat to heal.
- Celebus was known for carrying pockets full of stinky rotisserie chicken. +1 AC when covered in filth.
- Swan saved his sick mother by arcane means, descending to hell and plucking out his own eye to save her life. The legends say she cannot die. +1 Arcana
- Astro Moon was gravely insulted by some of the stock space baddies she always fought against. She took them out easily with a flashy ultimate move. +1 Strength


--- Samuel's Hot Buns
- Celebus returns! And he's got a massive zombie sausage steed. You read that right!
- Since the meat in the Meatlands is demonstrably mutagenic, the plan is to bring some non-mutating meat in there with them. Since they're close to Samuel's tavern, they head there. Unfortunately all he has are suspicious "slut buns" that allegedly turn you into a slut if you eat them.
- They buy some anyway and head off towards the Meatlands. On the way they see some stoneshell crab moults. Celebus puts one on a zombie for fun.

--- Meatgate
- They come to the town on the edge of the Meatlands and see they strange mutant people who live there. One of them offers a fat marrow - the vegetable not the bone juice - and they swap it for a slut bun.
- It's raining a bit, so the quivering skin of the Meatlands shivers slightly and has goosebumps. A road is scarred into the meaty ground. In the middle distance, on either side of the road, two giant hands thrust skywards. There's a long tendon between them. Swan asks "surely that's the actual Meatgate?" and the natives look embarrassed that they didn't think of that.

--- Sweaty Oily Muscle Men
- Our heroes set off and approach the giant hands. There's a giant bicep bulging from the sweaty ground too, and a massively muscular man standing nearby waving his massive arm. He yells to them that they should join his gym!
- Swan's interested, so they go inside the bicep and see a whole load of extremely nude and extremely muscular men doing workouts. In the middle of the room is a massive bone pillar. The muscle guy shows them what happens if you lift the bone - a scorpion tail nips out from the space beneath it and injects you! It does, in fact, do so, and the muscle man immediately challenges another to a wrestle.
- Swan demands Eegor lift the bone, and he duly does so. He also demands a wrestling match, and he and Swan get into several compromising positions (ooooh master!) before Swan lets Eegor win. Eegor's muscles swell - he's gotten stronger!
- Astro Moon lifts the bone and must kill someone with her bare fists! Small potatoes for a muscle wizard! However she's forbidden from murdering the muscle men. They tell her to go beat up one of the "thinky people" who live in one of the hands outside. She's got until sundown.

--- The Thinky People
- Amanta climbs up the side of a hand and has a peek in through a large pore. Inside there are people with massive heads slurping fluid from tentacles growing from the muscle within the hand. A man spots her! His name is XANAX and she offers him a slut bun. Oh no, he's somehow changed into a slut! His name is now XANSEX and he no longer craves knowledge... he craves XANSEX!
- Amanta climbs down as chaos begins within the hand. XANAX vs XANSEX - the ultimate battle of the brains.
- Since nobody can climb as good as Amanta, it looks like the way for most people to get into the left hand is to go through the right hand and over the tendon bridge,.

--- Neuron Monsters
- They go into the big suppurating pore in the right hand, which naturally forms a dungeon-like environment. Flies and maggots crawl around the entrance, feasting on the shuddering flesh of the hand. It's yuck in here.
- They climb a bone ladder and once they reach the wrist they are attacked by some horrible mutant meat monsters! Big salivating jaws with horrible square teeth, eyes beneath the jaws, and massive neuron arms that they use to swing across the ceiling!
- The big limitation is how few people can get out of the ladder in time! Amanta manages to throttle one with its own ganglia, while Astro Moon after some effort does indeed manage to beat the other to death with her bare fists. The magic is complete and she grows both stronger and heartier!
- In the lair of the monsters they find some cool treasure - 3 nasty mottled creature embyros and some "bone" china.

--- Brainwaves
- The team continues up the ladder one by one. Amanta, in the lead, sees a man look down the shaft with his fingers to his temples. It's XANAX! He shoots mind beams at her and she collapses limp! Swan catches her as she slips back down the ladder.
- Celebus has a solution! He casts Fast Zombie on one of his zombies (the corpse of ex-PC Liber Quint) and the zombie goes Ravenous! It's way fast, talkative, and smart! It scrambles up the ladder towards XANAX and there is an echoing scream!
- The zombie Liber Quint looks down the ladder at her former owner and laughs menacingly. There's more than enough brain in the head of these XANAX guys... She mockingly drops some brain from above.
- Somewhat scared, the party leaves the hand and heads back to the muscle men's bicep gym. The zombie spaniard is carrying Amanta's limp body.
- A bit of brain splats to the ground in front of the zombie, which it eats unthinkingly. Suddenly its eyes go wide too! The Ravening is spreading! Amanta wakes up just in time to jump out if its grasp, and it sprints into the hand to join the other zombie! Celebus is absolutely fucking shocked at this turn of events.
- As they head for the bicep, they see the two zombies shambling slowly across the tendon bridge, towards the other big-brained members of XANAX...
- At the bicep, Swan attempts to lift the bone and gets jabbed by the stinger. He, too, is compelled to fight someone to the death...

Total: 7000 exp

- 3 dark mottled embryos (900 exp)
- 6 bone china plates (480 exp)
Total: 1380 exp

Defeated Foes:
- Two ganglion meat monsters (150 exp)
- A member of XANAX (25 exp)
Total: 175 exp

Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 23564 (Level up at 32000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 12403 (Level up at 18000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 4 Mantis Specialist: 9661 (Level up at 14000)
- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 3 Muscle Wizard: 7808 (Level up at 9000)