KILL THE POPE Christmas Special: Final Season - THE FINAL CHAPTERS - Special Part 2

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh

Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim

Events:

--- Start As You Mean to Go On

- We open in the Pope's bedroom. Grogg Greedy, absent the player, is in a quantum state beneath the bed. Jojo is atop it, confusing a seduced Cardinal - Father Boswick. Odo is stuffing valuables into her beard, including a pope hat. Deletion is feeding magic mushrooms to the birds.
- Elsewhere, Sydney is hiding in the Popemobile. They just found some flashcards to complete the ritual in the bench they're hiding in.
- To everyone's surprise, Aximander is here too! He appears at the door and sliiiides under the bed because the Pope himself is coming! Father Boswick and Jojo hide under there too, and Deletion crawls in too after briefly considering posing as a statue. Good thing it's a big bed!

- Odo, finally getting round to unlocking her next Dwarven Lorebond, chokes Boswick to death with her beard. Deletion begins to digest him.
- While that happens, two of the huge guards show up! Behind them is the Ennean Pope himself! I mishear "Pope Urbanus" as "Pope Obamus" and the Pope now speaks in a nice baritone and loves drone strikes.
- A priest, Father Lupin, obsequiously follows behind and notes that the spare pope hat is gone.
- Odo swiftly chucks the hat up onto the bed while nobody is looking. Father Lupin sees it, takes it, looks down, and sees the people under the bed. Jojo fakes Boswick's voice and says it's just an orgy!
- Father Lupin hides a smile and asks the Pope to join him on a stroll round the garden. They leave with the guards.

--- Just a Quick Snoop

- Odo's heart pulses. Ancient genetic locks open. The lore-fetters in her Dwarven soul cracks open further. Her fingers twitch, and the stuff she stashed in her beard falls out as she weaves her beard anew into the War-Beard!
- The others look on appreciatively. It's very nicely plaited, intricate, and somehow intimidating.
- Deletion emerges in the form of Father Boswick. Something tickles in his mind... a door behind the wardrobe! He opens it, and the embers of Boswick's memories let him find the hidden latch. Beyond is a nice room overlooking the city and museum. A silver staff of office is just lying there! He grabs it.
- Aximander is sitting on a shelf, since he's an Elf and it's purportedly still Christmas. Odo sprinkles holy water on a poisoned apple she has (holy water being catnip for popes I guess?) - she calls it Pomme de Pope Morte and calls it a recipe. Who am I to deny this becoming a proper meal?
- Jojo prepares Polymorph Elf so she can turn Aximander into the Pope if necessary.

--- Pope Obamus Returns
- The Pope returns after destabilising north Africa and questions the elf on the shelf. Deletion signals to attack! Odo grabs the Pomme de Pope Morte, attempts to throw it into the Pope's mouth... and fumbles. Odo eats the apple!
- Deletion, in Father Boswick form, steps forward as if to protect the Pope. Psych! He mutates his arm into the paralytic touch attack and flails at the Pope! Pope Obamus falls, knocking his head on the nightstand.
- Deletion eats the Pope.
- Deletion transforms into the Pope.
- Deletion, a hardcore protestant, suddenly realises that he's becomes the thing he hates the most!
- Deletion's self-loathing grows as he ordains the others. Time to replace the Pope in the parade!

--- Switcheroo Switch-Up!

- Sydney is still in the Popemobile, the only person (so far as they know) with a plan. Wait until the Pope enters, summon an extradimensional portal to their extradimensional flat, drag the Pope inside, and replace him in the Popemobile wearing the spare clothes! Perfect!
- The Pope enters the Popemobile. There is a clunk as two enormous guards grasp the front of the carriage and begin pulling it out of the stable.
- Sydney pops out and GRABS the Pope and THROWS him into the Safe Space flat!
- There is a cry of "what the hell it's me!" as Deletion-Pope crashes into the living room onto his favourite chair!

--- Ritual Completion
- The others, who are acting as a sort of honour guard, use the party's incredibly detailed system of winks, tiny hand signals, and mouth twitches to teamchat to Sydney the situation. That's Deletion-Pope down there! Sydney-Pope grimaces but continues the charade, there are crowds after all!
- They go all the way to the Basilica, and Sydney-Pope exits towards the doors. But what's this? Deletion-Pope is there too! And who's that? Aximander-Pope, transformed by Jojo's magic!
- It's a Christmas miracle! Somehow they blag it!

--- The Idea of Wheat

- Atop the Vatican balcony, final words for the ritual ready to go, there is sudden debate. What do they replace the Idea of Thorns with? What's the funniest, most interesting and/or most narratively satisfying?
- They go with, after much debate, the Idea of Wheat!
- It inverts the Thorns philosophy of anti-civilisation, instead instilling a drive for agrarian development and natural hierarchies. Repairing the world and allowing the party's ultimate quest to begin - the goal of transforming the Earth into a generic Tolkeinesque fantasy setting.
- They speak the words, and the world changes! Aximander-Pope releases Dancing Lights and the crowd cheers uncomprehending as the Idea of Thorns, spread so far by Gifflewim, becomes the Idea of Wheat!

--- The Last Treasures

- Gifflewim appears out of sight to congratulate them, and helps grab the Maleficum Demonorium buried within the balcony, which contains the secret names of all demons.

- Since they're all popes, they can access the treasury! Much coin is stuffed into pockets!
- The milk portal opens... but Deletion-Pope doesn't come through. He is going to stay on as the only Pope. He has finally become the negation of the Deletion. As Pope, he will reform and undermine the faith from within.
- The others drift into the milk portal, kicking Odo Grumblebelch out on the way. She's retiring too, back to Mt Grumblebelch. A bittersweet milky parting.

- The rest are deposited back where they started, deep inside Dwimmermount, ready to continue their quest!

Total: 8000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
- Pope Obamus II (20 exp)
Total: 20 exp

Treasures Acquired:
- Tons of treasure from the treasury (25000 exp)
- Silver Staff of Office (1500 exp)
- Pope Hat (400 exp)
Total: 26 900 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 112356 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 7 Muscle Wizard: 76176 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 50752 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 27847 (Level up at 36000)

- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 23266 (Level up at 32000)

Session 362 - KILL THE POPE Christmas Special

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh

Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim

New Backstory:

- Grogg Greedy was starving, and in an apparent act of generosity offered bread to a beggar. Alas, it was to tempt the beggar into an alley where Grogg devoured him. Gain max healing when you eat to heal.
- Deletion Snels figuratively burnt Styx's house down when he released a virus into the Fate mainframe. Enemies you light on fire start off at 2d4 damage.

Events:

--- The Milky Magic of Christmas

- Deep beneath Dwimmermount, holding loot, in the midst of a dungeon delve, our heroes are preparing to go deeper into the dungeon.
- But it's Christmas Eve!
- Before them a portal full of milk opens up and starts dripping all over the floor! A familiar face pokes its head out from the portal - Gifflewim! He tells them - "Come on guys, no time to explain! We've got to kill the pope!"
- This is a dream come true for fantasy-protestant Deletion Snels.
- They enter the portal and Gifflewim explains the problem - the Pope is enacting a ritual wherein he will use papal magic to replace the Idea of Thorns with the Ninefold Idea. This will make the Nine High Gods aspects of him. The Pope will be the ultimate god above all gods!
- Kill the Pope and this can be stopped. Kidnap the Pope, however, and you will be able to replace the Thorns with something else...
- Why can't he do this himself? Unfortunately the Vatican is designed to contain a vast multitude of intelligent artifacts, captured godlike and/or god-adjacent entities, entities mistaken for gods etc etc. Gifflewim is such an entity, and... also many of those entities have their own issues with him.
- The portal opens up on the outskirts of the Vatican, portal-milk already attracted a bunch of stray cats. Gifflewim passes out a few florins to the party and tells them they have two days! The ritual finishes at the Urbi et Orbi on Christmas Day, so kill or kidnap him before then!

--- Vatican Christmas Village
- There's snow everywhere and a whole Christmas village set up on the outskirts of Vatican City. Red birds flit through the christmas trees, and people are making merry! They approach and notice huge guards with great-hammers in sealed red armour patrolling, the crowds going silent as they draw near.
- Strangely enough, despite speaking a multitude of different languages, everyone can understand each other!
- Sydney goes off off to a civil admin building to start working on the heist. Odo runs off to the Vatican art gallery, while the others head towards the classic christmas market bar selling overpriced mulled wines
- They overhear various conversations, including that the Swiss Guard are dangerous and cannot be bought, the priests are venal and corrupt, and the Vatican is built over and inside a vast Ophanim angel fallen to Earth.

- Also the calendars are reset from noon on Christmas Eve to sunrise the next day. During this time the Gods cannot see one's sins, and thus all is permitted. Less "Purge" and more general debauchery vibes.

--- Shenanigans Ensue

- Odo is in the art gallery discovering paintings of Aspects of the Nine High Gods. Nonanism claims all deities as its own, rendering any foreign gods as Aspects. This is borne out in the paintings, where there have been careful alterations made to show this.
- He tells a bored-looking museum guard that he saw someone casting Photograph on a painting! The guard says that it's impossible, spellcasting attracts the red birds.
- He goes to the gift shop and meets the busty salesperson, whose description summons Grogg Greedy from afar.
- He perturbs her enough to make her call a manager. Grogg goes round the corner, waylays the manager, and throws him back into the staff room. He eats the manager and becomes him.
- Odo buys a very anachronistic statuette of the Old Grump and quietly leaves.
- Later, Grogg in his manager guise returns and tries to seduce the salesperson to little effect.

--- Meanwhile, Shenanigans Ensue
- Over at the bar, a tangled web of relationships starts to unspool. The barman and his wife own the bar, and it's manned by their children. The wife is cheating on the husband, but reveals to Jojo (half-naked, allegedly mugged) that she wants a divorce. To save her own reputation she wants Jojo to seduce her husband, get "caught", and do a divorce reversal.

- Jojo duly attempts this, but dude isn't interested.
- However, at this point Odo shows up! Turns out that the barman is an aficionado of Dwarven gender and spots the subtle signs that she's a woman. She walks up, slaps him on the arse, and asks for a shag. He's painfully aroused, and suggests Cardinal Gomstead's house because he knows that the cardinal's busy today.
- They scurry off, leaving the bartending to the children. His wife follows gleefully.

--- The Heist Begins
- Alone, Sydney has left the civil admin building with a variety of information about the parade route, exit points, blind spots, and guard schedules. They head for the stables where the parade will begin.
- Amid the festivities, it's easy to slip into the stables. The Popemobile is open and unlocked, and clearly intended to be pulled by two huge Swiss Guards. Conveniently the bench in there opens up! It's even got spare papal robes! Sydney slides in, ready to replace the Pope when he arrives...

--- Elsewhere, Further Shenanigans
- In Cardinal Gomstead's empty house, Odo and the barman are attempting to get it on. Unfortunately for both, the barman admits that he's never actually cheated and wants to make his wife jealous because he knows she's been cheating on him! After some persuasion, he's ready to actually give it a go.
- She ties him up and blindfolds him while seductively putting various valuable items into her beard.
- Suddenly, here's the wife! How unexpected! She cries false tears and Odo, knowing the truth about who's cheating on who... kills her!
- A crimson bird flutters to the window and looks in.
- Jojo busts in and performatively begins CPR - totally an accident mister bird! Totally!
- More birds arrive, they jostle for space on the windowsill.
- Jojo heads out the front door and is confronted by one of the Swiss Guards. The birds flutter around him, landing on shoulders and helmet.
- Inside, Odo dives out the window. The birds follow. She's heading for St Peter's Basilica, straight for a confession booth. Behind... the red-armoured Swiss Guard implacably turns to follow.

--- Sir Ratigan
- Grogg, Jojo and Deletion have met up at the art gallery. There is a covered bridge that goes across to the fallen angel that makes up the Vatican.
- There are guards, and Jojo has already discovered that the head guard is a Ratman called Sir Ratigan who guards the Vatican. Grogg, in his manager guise, brings him a coffee and introduces Deletion Snels as a new guard. Just hired, you see.
- Sir Ratigan says that there's a hazing ritual - new recruits must enter the Vatican naked. Deletion does so, to snickers, but the door is opened anyway! Inside, a ritual is indeed being prepared.
- Sir Ratigan gets suspicious of Grogg's disguise when he can't remember some recent events.
- Luckily Jojo is here! She attempts to seduce Sir Ratigan... and is again rejected. She's getting quite self-conscious now. She's a beautiful woman! Why can't she seduce anyone!?

- Forgive me Father
- Odo busts into a confessional booth and hurriedly begins recounting her sins. She just killed a woman in someone's house and stole all the valuables. Please, father, forgive me.
-He says that all sins are forgiven during Christmastide, but out of interest, which house was it?
- She replies that it was Cardinal Gomstead's house... and the priest bellows with rage! HE is Father Gomstead and those were HIS valuables and HIS nice carpet!

- A huge muscular arm bursts through the screen, red feather quills emerging haphazardly! It grasps Odo around the throat and throws her from the confessional!
- She flees, the Cardinal growing more monstrous behind her, and runs into the Swiss Guard who was lurking outside!
- But what's this? That symbol...
- Due to backstory nonsense, the Swiss Guard is actually part of the Yawning Eye secret society that Odo is also part of! Convenient! The guard's armour peels back, red birds fly out, and it closes around her. Through the cracks in the armour she sees Cardinal Gomstead, enraged, searching for her. The armour waits for him to leave, then strides towards the art gallery and the rest of the party.

--- The Pope's Bedroom

- Back at the covered bridge to the Vatican, Jojo is trying to fight Sir Ratigan for rejecting her! Odo shows up inside the armour and is disgorged. Odo says that she's here to take Jojo in!
- Sir Ratigan isn't having it, and after a series of further shenanigans tries to get them thrown into the jail cells just inside the Vatican. Instead, they knock Sir Ratigan out and throw him in there! Manager-Grogg takes the armour.
- The explore the Vatican, itself built inside and over the quiescent mechanical angel. They come across a Cardinal inside an inner chapel. He questions why the manager is here, and in armour at that.
- He tells them that the catacombs filled with Low Gods and demons are below, completely unguarded. This is because they will tear you to shreds. They are trapped down there, unable to escape above a certain point.
- Jojo says she wants to sleep with the Cardinal in the Pope's bed. Finally, the seduction works! This venal Cardinal will take them all up there because he's a freak!
- They reach the bedroom and find a grand four-poster in an opulent room. The red cardinal birds are flying in and out of the open windows, partaking of the bird feeders hanging around the room. The Cardinal himself looks at Jojo lasciviously.

--- Final Positions:

- Jojo throws the Cardinal onto the bed. She straddles him... but her invisible armour prevents him from getting any further.
- Grogg, anticipating the Pope's eventual return, slides under the bed. The sounds above make his forehead turgid.
- Deletion feeds some alleged "magic mushrooms" he found to the birds, they begin acting very strangely.
- Odo, wearing her carefully braided Storage Beard, loots the fuck out of papal suite!

--- Wasn't This Meant to Be a Heist?
- And under a pile of spare Pope garb, inside the seat in the Popemobile, Sydney waits for their chance to strike. Surely the rest of the party is in position... right?

Total: 1200 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- The barman's wife (0 exp)

- The art gallery manager (0 exp)

- Sir Ratigan (10 exp)
Total: 10 exp

Treasures Looted:

- 1130 florins-worth of assorted valuables (1130 exp)

- The Stole of Shouting

Total: 1130 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 105372 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 69192 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 20863 (Level up at 36000)

- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 16282 (Level up at 32000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond +Backstory

- Charles / Grogg Greedy, Level 4 Inheritor: 10812 (Level up at 18000)

Session 360 - Sweet Sweet Azoth

Date: 21 November

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:
- Deletion Snels met with the gods via secret uplink, they gave him their blessing to kill the false god Terms Termax. When you make a deal with an adversary, gain +1 on reaction rolls for the rest of the session.

Events:

--- Punching Drywall

- We begin in a familiar place - the waterlogged bowels of Dwimmermount. Deletion Snels is busy digesting a giant frog monster and gaining its ability to breathe underwater.
- Conveniently for all involved, Jojo is here with her Passwall spell! She heads past the globoblin and punches a hole straight through the wall, granting everyone access to the big lake of Azoth beyond!
- It's black and sparkly like the night sky, a wide lake of glugging black mercury. Of course they grab a bucketful!

- A strange greenish rainbow light starts building up deeper in the lake. They flee before the big lamprey-mouthed monster can get to them.

--- Experimental Machine

- They take this pure Azoth to the mysterious machine in a room of the dungeon. Sydney discovers that the pure stuff is almost actively neutral. Magic just slides right off.
- Various straws and bits unfurl from the machine and slurp from the bucket of Azoth, filling up the bowl! There is a big dial on the front with six settings, but it keeps reverting to the top option.

- It's taking ages. Sydney decides to animate the machine with their Animate Furnishings spell, and brings forth the gregarious soul of the machine! It explains that it's a bit broken, it can only consistently do Refined Azoth. Anything else is a bit of a pot luck.
- Since it's going to take a few more hours, Sydney summons their Safe Space and everyone troops into the flat to wait out the remainder. Spooky shadow stuff occurs out the front door.

--- Book Learnin'

- There's plenty of time to kill, so they hit the books! Sydney grabs out some wine and breadsticks, and everyone settles down to read through some stuff from the small library.

- Jojo discovers that there's an Azoth refinery in the Ninefold Cathedral (more or less the Vatican).
- Deletion reads that the Forest of Moondin is, indeed, still a forest.
- Sydney finds out that Panchrest, currently being generated by the machine, is a cure-all panacea! Very useful! Alkahest, by contrast, dissolves everything.

- Jojo is obsessed with the Ninefold Cathedral now. She reads that the Ennean Pope is protected by Cardinals, and buried in the Pope's balcony is a book of all demon names. Even better, there are demons imprisoned in the catacombs. Sounds like a Christmas Heist Special!

- Sydney is interested too, and finds out all about Nonanism. Those demons in the catacombs were worshipped as gods by foolish foreigners. When Nonanism came to town, it stole the "gods" away and replaced them with the real deal. The demons (and other such beings) were worshipped as Aspects of the Nine.

--- Panchrest Packed

- Christmas Special plan concocted, they head back out and see if the machine is done yet. It is! Sydney duly stores away the Panchrest in the fridge.

- They chuck another bit of Azoth into the machine and decide to explore the water level, long drowned by the mysterious frog men. Luckily they've all got silver suits that let them breathe!

- They open the hatch from the Globoblin room, flooding the place and causing the bubble-helms to slide over their heads. Sydney crafts a Beam-Ice rune to form icicle spears and they swim into the murk beyond...

--- Tick Tick Tick

- They swim under drowned ratmen, one of whom is clasping a mysterious idol in their cold dead hands. Snels wants it and grabs it... only to have something spike down through the ratman's body and into his hand!

- After a struggle, Snels manages to overturn the rat and drag whatever the spiky thing is into the cold water. It's a huge tick! It quickly freezes to death. Safe!
- Snels grabs the statue (he's earned it) and finds that it's a mysterious squamous statue of a horrible deep sea monstrosity. Dagon!
- Thankfully Snels has that Apostate Brooch that protects him from un-Saveable nonsense. He's fine!

--- Fear of Depths
- They explore further, heading through a temple to Dispater and onward to the room where the frogmen live! Conveniently enough, all magic shuts off for a few minutes as they arrive. The big pitted iron ring on the floor is deactivated!
- They see that across the room are a row of nude Dwarves, heads encased in big metal orbs, clearly being used to breed more of the frog people.
- Sydney tries out a Turn-Magma rune on the ring as it reactivates, revealing the infinite depths of the ocean below! Far far down it's like a city of frogspawn, and black tongues emerge from the portal...
- The Magma rune boils the water and the tentacles, but more emerge! It's a froggy doom portal! One of the tendrils catches Sydney, but luckily they escape by the skin of their Meta-Manipulation magic!

- An enormous froggy eye peers through the portal and our heroes flee back to the safety of the globoblin room! No eldritch horrors today thank you! 

- The refined Azoth is ready when they return, and Deletion takes a little sip. It feels good and he slops into a little puddle of happy jelly!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:
- Horrible deep sea idol (8000 exp)

Total: 8000 exp

Enemies:

- A big tick (20 exp)

- Several black tentacles (100 exp)
Total: 120 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 99804 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 68724 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 4 Cyber-Inheritor: 14795 (Level up at 18000)

Session 357 - I'm-a Riiiiiiiiich!

Date: 10 October

Moon: Waning Crescent
Zenith: Eris

New Backstory:

- Shrub Jr was completely lost after a good night getting high on the moon. Eventually he managed to find his way to a chocolate factory and safety! +1 Bushcraft.

Events:

--- Afterparty

- Sydney wakes up on their bed in their extradimensional apartment, still sore from the pain poison that was injected into them by huge maggots with tentacle faces.
- They leave the room and see that the flat is... surprisingly fine! But why is everyone staring? Oh... they shaved of an eyebrow.
- Deletion Snels has long dangly fingers now - the gene-code that he absorbed from the tentacle maggots now allows him to slap enemies with poisonous wiggling!

- Aximander heads outside and casts Guiding Lights again, trying for "awe of finding a new living god" or similar. The lights float on!

--- Oil and Statues
- The lights drift onwards. The walls here are covered with reliefs of gambling, coins, and feats of daring. All honouring The Lady.

- They decide to check out a side room, and in it they find smashed and empty barrels with a thin oily residue. Shrub Jr grabs a shard and sucks on it - olive oil! He continues to suck on it as a treat.
- The next room has... olive oil in little jars! And a flitch of cured bacon! Shrub Jr insists that he prefers sucking olive oil off of wood scraps.
- They continue into a larger room with a headless statue. It's got the armour of a god they know - The Scorned. On neck is a sort of indented screw where a head might get screwed on!
- Odo attaches the stone Dwarf troubleshooting head and it animates against its will! It identifies its existence as a problem! Before it can do anything silly, Shrub Jr unscrews the head. In doing so, he notices that the statue is designed such that its costume can change. Probably god related.

--- The Chicken and the Crevasse

- The lights guide the party to a door, beyond which can be heard a low moaning. They open the door and see a crevasse, wind moaning as it blows out of the maw. The crevasse is filled with purple smoke. It smells like ozone.
- The Guiding Lights hover over the crevasse and wink out - clearly they considered this an appropriate target of "awe".
- Testing reveals that the purple smoke suspends magic when inhaled or moved through. Aximander tests the depth with his crab-spear to no avail - it's deeper than a spear-length.

- They tie a rope to Aximander and lower him into the mist. They hear screams! It's Julian, the human host of Aximander, unceremoniously dragged back to his body while inside the mist! He has no idea what's going on!

- Aximander reverts back into the body as he's lowered beyond the mist. He finds himself above a vast subterranean pool of pitch black starry liquid. He pokes his crab-spear into it... and the end of the spear melts away. Then he sees movement in the fluid, something large displacing the ooze as it comes towards him...
- He shrieks "pull me up!" and Julian glimpses a vast lamprey-mouth yawning wide just before he's pulled into the smoke!

--- The Floor is Mimic

- They decide to cross the chasm, and so to that end Aximander casts his spell Giant Cock. The large rooster that appears obeys his commands, and effortlessly leaps over the gap with the elf on his back and a rope in his beak.
- The others shimmy across the rope and to the other side!
- As soon as they do... a slimy tendril emerges from below the ankle-high smoke on the floor...
- It goes for... Warm-Heart! Grumblebelch's Dwarven lackey! The crossbow is struck from his hands, melting away into nothing, and the Dwarf himself is flung down into the chasm! He screams as he falls, until they hear a crunchy sound that sounds exactly like a giant lamprey swallowing a Dwarf.
- Shrub Jr and Jojo uncork their Poison bottles - Bleed and Pain respectively - and dump them onto the pliant flesh of the ooze, then flee! The gang run after them, Jojo and Deletion Snels bickering about how fast they are based on what they're carrying. Jojo aggressively crams food into her mouth as she runs to save encumbrance.
- They escape!

--- I'm-a Riiiiiich!

- They burst into a room with a biiiig holy altar covered in gold and gems!

- Shrub Jr yells "I'm-a riiiiiiiiiiiiich!" and grabs the gems... and explodes!
- He takes 10d6 explosive holy damage and turns into a big pile of 21 fried bananas.

--- It Burns!
- Unfortunately for the many Chaotic characters in the midst, the air burns with lawful energies! Aximander uses elf trickery to count as Neutral. Grumblebelch's barbarian Lawfulness leaves her as the only person who actually feels a sense of peace in here.
- Odo places her Last Sword of a Conquered Tribe on the altar... scraping off little chunks of banana to do so... and feels her faith in Law renewed. She asks the Scorned for guidance and receives his blessing!
- She also grabs a roman shield from a statue and notices that the Dead God in the frieze on the wall can move aside. A secret door!
- Aximander casts Magic Aura on the chaotic members of the team, hiding them from the effects of this room, and they all head through the door.

--- Zombie King
- It's a short secret passage, ending in a painting with the eye holes cut out. The next room has a huge zombie on a throne, crown of bone on his head, roman armour on his body, being worshipped by a bunch of lesser zombies.
- Slopping down from the ceiling in the secret passage is... a new character! Grog Greedy, an Inheritor, who loots Shrub Jr's body and absorbs some of his banana powers. Seems like a trustworthy demon guy!

- Odo Grumblebelch, holding her roman shield in front of her, marches into the zombie room and declares herself part of the legion! Good thing she knows her classics, because the zombie king answers her in latin!

- It isn't the Dead God as Odo had presumed, but a Roman soldier who invaded Dwimmermount millenia ago. He was once a slave to the Halflings, then freed and joined the legions, before dying in the assault on the mountain. By the grace of the Nine, he was resurrected to maintain the worship of the Gods on this temple level.
- He offers directions downwards, being a reasonable fellow. He cannot go himself however - he can only leave on Sundays and every day is Tuesday for some reason.
- He also explains what he knows about Azoth, which accumulates in Dwimmermount. It saps magical energy in a gaseous form, accelerates evolution in liquid form, and can be refined into a variety of amazing things! Refined Azoth powered the Halfling superweapons - the Slaughtergrids - in centuries long past.

- He also warns them not to touch his precious treasures in the next room - he needs them for worship purposes - and warns of his pet wight which drains levels at a touch! Our heroes quake in fear.

--- Treasure!

- They go into the next room... and Odo uses her pick to spike the door shut! Within are four more zombies, guarding various coffers with a profile of Emperor Hadrian drawn on!
- The Zombie King next door can speak through these zombie puppets, but not much else. They are swiftly eliminated.
- Deletion Snels uses his finglonger powers to pick a lock, while the others are variously broken open. Inside is... much loot! Like legitimately good stuff! There's gems, old roman money, a crystal snowglobe with Dwimmermount in it. Nice stuff!

--- The Wight Stuff

- Knowing that there's a wight ahead, they make a cunning plan. New character Grogg Greedy will act as bait. Odo opens the door with her fishing rod.

- But... no wight.
- Odo sprints through while she's got the chance! She sprints through... and Grogg sees a textureless man-shape emerge spookily from the floor. It looks at Odo briefly... then comes straight for Grogg!
- He runs back to the rest of the party, wight at his heels!

- It travels through the floor, listening to the orders from the zombie head! Jojo goes to stomp the head... and the wight goes for her foot! She sacrifices her shield and flips backward... directly into Aximander's line of fire!
- She's hit, rolls, lands well, and strikes a counter-blow to the wight! It explodes into dust, one-shot-killed by a Magic Missile Punch!

- Grogg collapses into goo over the wight's "corpse", absorbing its level-draining power...

--- Odo's Solo Adventure

- Meanwhile, Odo has sprinted for the exit and grabbed some loose gems on the way! She's found the stairs down and runs for them and...
- A statue to the right of the stairway smashes her with a stone fist, stopping the Dwarf short! Odo's shield is splintered by the blow!

- It's a slugfest, Dwarf vs Statue. They smash each other back and forth with hammer-blows.
- Odo hits 0 and flies into a rage! She hits the statue over and over and over, finally shattering it into a million pieces.

- By the time the others catch up, Odo is bleeding and smiling crazily. She just about manages to snap out of her rage and grabs the old coins in the urn next to the stairs.

- Next time... downwards!

Total: 11000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- Mystery floor slime (100 exp)
- Four zombies (100 exp)
- A Wight (75 exp)

- A living statue (100 exp)
Total: 375 exp

Treasures Acquired:

- 6 bottles of olive oil (6 exp)
- Flitch of bacon (50 exp)

- 21 fried banana (21 exp)

- Bag of salt
- Crystal Snow Globe (1000 exp)

- Jewelled box (1000 exp)
- Eye agate (250 exp)

- Smoky quartz (500 exp)
- Jasper (500 exp)

- Turquoise (250 exp)
- Jade (3750 exp)

- 500 obols in loose gems (500 exp)

- 500 obols in old coins (500 exp)

Total: 8327 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 89252 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 63684 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 42208 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarf: 30412 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Shrub Jr, Level 2 Banana Brackling

DECEASED! Detonated by holy light after attempting to pry gems from an altar.

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 3 Cyber-Inheritor: 5243 (Level up at 9000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Limit! +Backstory!

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Limit! +Backstory!

- Charles / Grogg Greedy, Level 2 Inheritor: 3284 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Limit! +Backstory!

Session 356 - Green Men of Dwimmermount

Date: 3 October

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:

- Julian shouldn't have kissed Aximander on that one drunken night... but he did it anyway! Making out with the other guy who lives in your body means they both made the first move! 

Special Double! Once per session, cause someone to make a romantic advance on you and +1 HD of health for the rest of the session if you successfully romance someone!

Events:

--- Mountain Shenanigans

- Our heroes are schlepping it up the outside slope of Dwimmermount, the legendary mountain where the Ninth God, Eris, is said to be buried. The enormous Seraphim on the summit is long gone, though the scars remain.
- Odo goes on and on about Dwarven microarchitecture, straining the patience of the others. Sydney has found ancient maps of the dungeon (as in Carter dug up the old maps from irl years ago).
- About halfway up they pass by a red door in the mountainside. Sydney figures that this must be the legendary Dwarven back door! It is not, but they try anyway. Speaking "mellon" causes a watermelon to appear! Speaking "friend" causes... Shrub Jr to appear! Yes, after all those months away he has finally returned! Since it's past summer our favourite banana man has lost his fruits, and is now a tangle of branches with autumnal colours.

- The runes on the door are written in the language of Ur-Kalladh, which several people can read! It's called the Alchemist's Door, and only opens on rare conjunctions.
- Undeterred by such things, Jojo punches the side of the mountain and uses Passwall! Alas, it's a portal, and so there's nothing behind that door. They continue.

--- Green Men

- The red double doors up top are covered with layers of oiled tarpaulins. Dropped frazzlejack and bootprints indicate squatters! They enter, setting off an alarm trap - a huge crash of metal as they slip past the tarps.
- Behind the tarps, hung near the entrance, they find breather masks and travel gear. Several masks are snagged!
- They go down the stairs inside. At the bottom, alerted by the crashing sound, is a bright green human man! He remarks that Odo is clearly wearing his gas mask, but doesn't seem to concerned.
- After a bit of banter, the man calls for his friends who emerge with net shields and padded spears. They're friendly! They offer to show the party the way down deeper. There are two routes, one that they don't use because it's where the gene wizard created their poison-resistant forms before going mad. The other goes down to the chapel level.

- On the way they go past a sermon. Most of the congregation aren't green, and the people giving the sermon are very wide Dwarves - or rather, stone-wrought almost-Dwarves called Inclusions - who have clearly integrated bits of angel into themselves! They say they're advancing their minds to the point that they'll become new Gods. Good luck I guess!

- They say that the lift is off limits due to an outbreak of horrible plants with horrible pollen. Since they are made of stone the Inclusions are fine. Anybody else, death and mind control. If you can get down to the bottom of the lift fourth floor and activate the purging system you'll be able to use the lift again.
- The party swap books with the Inclusions and continue on via a room with what look like old magical videos showing the invasion of Dwimmermount by victorious Romans a couple of millenia ago.

--- Terminators
- Down the stairs there are... roboskeletons! Their joints are hissing machinery, and their limbs contain various repair tools!
- The party charges in, slaying all but one of the skeletons... and who should that skeleton be but a Snels! This is Deletion Snels, the version of Snels that corrupted a false world in the mainframe of Fortress-City Fate, subjected it to the Third Impact, and escaped in a glitched body! He's an Inheritor, but one that uses computer code rather than flesh to copy powers!

- I had forgotten this whole sub-plot because it occurred on the moon.

--- A Wiggly Guy

- They snoop around looking for more doors, and note that the walls have bas reliefs of momento mori - skeletons dancing, skulls, bones, that sort of thing.
- Shrub Jr busts open a door and is confronted by... a wiggly guy! A snake made up of human bones dances out of a wicker pot! Shrub Jr does not care, shoves the snake back in, and sits on the lid. Then he straps it to his chest. 

- There's treasure in the room beyond too! Along with old coins and a golden goblet, there's an inverted and concave symbol of the Nine. Deletion Snels puts it on and becomes Apostate to all religions!

--- Guided by the Lights

- Aximander casts his now-classic Guiding Lights spell, and names "the emotion I'd feel if I found a God" which I interpret as some sort of fear-awe. The lights drift off in a direction, and they follow.
- They come to a large hall with six big pillars, each made of a different substance and each with a letter inscribed on it. Odo works it out first - they spell VERITA. He touches the pillars in order and gains a minor Lay on Hands!

- Sydney does the same and passes the save, losing a little HP but gaining the ability to cast Blessing of the Nine!
- Everybody else doesn't risk it. They follow the lights onwards.
- They pass by various scents, and some graffiti warning of "neandergoblins", whatever those are.

--- Maggots!

- While distracted by a room full of stacked-up wooden god statues... an attack from behind! Tentacles slap onto the backs of Sydney and Aximander, sending them painfully to the ground! The others turn and see a couple of enormous maggots, tentacles writhing from their faces!

- Sydney casts their Sudden Siege Engine spell and a ballista from another dimension splashes one of the maggots and heavily hurts the other! Something has gone awry though... the portal stays open... it's a portal to the End War! Through the portal they see an enormous bone dragon, and shiny soldiers in the shiny armour of the Shining Army of Fate march past towards the final battle!
- Sydney passes out from the poison. Odo is fascinated by the portal and throws a banana at one of the soldiers... but is then attacked by the surviving grub! It is said that the banana grew up to become Shrub Jr.
- Deletion jumps in the way so that it stuns him and he can detect its special move! It works! Aximander stabs it with his burning sword, slaying it, then passes out himself...
- Odo uses his newfound holy power to bring Aximander back to consciousness... but not Sydney alas.

--- Tasty Treats

- With the maggots dead, Deletion Snels immediately falls into a pool of data and starts absorbing the genetic code from a maggot. The others chop up the other maggot for food. Protein!
- Sydney briefly wakes up, casts Safe Space, and passes out again. They get hustled into the flat, maggot dragged along behind, and go straight to the kitchen!
- It's a jumble of fruit topped with fried maggot. It's absolutely superb! Aximander has outdone himself! Not only does it heal everyone up nicely, it also makes everyone run away from stuff faster! Lovely!

- We end there in relative safety, Sydney passed out on the bed, and everybody else being remarkably well behaved.

Total: 8000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- A bunch of roboskeletrons (100 exp)
- A wiggly bone snake (50 exp)
- Two corpse maggots (200 exp)
Total: 350 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- 1200 obols in old money (1200 exp)
- Golden chalice (1000 exp)
- Apostate Brooch
- Wiggly Bone Snake in a pot.

Total: 2200 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 85968 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 60400 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 38924 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarf: 27128 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Shrub Junior, Level 2 Banana Brackling: 3454 (Level up at 4000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 1 Cyber-Inheritor: 1959 (Level up at 2250)

Session 355 - Balloon Ride to Dwimmermount

Date: 26 September

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
- When Odo Grumblebelch left her dwarven hold in the Metal North it was the hottest summer anyone could remember. Not knowing any different she wandered unprotected under the raging sun, and even briefly caught on fire strolling through the Canyon of Liquid Death where the heat builds enough to melt rock. +1 to Con score.

Events:

--- Fresh Air
- We begin with the party heading up the inside of the reactivated Pylon, borne up from the central control room on a lift that takes them to the very top.
- Atop the pylon it's a clear night. The clean gibbous face of the moon shines brightly above, an ominous red star glowing behind it. The air crackles with static. Towards the sea, the great pit of rats has an ominous orange glow.
- In the distance is the glow of the town of Grasp, little torchlights glimmering. Jojo takes out her spyglass and looks closer. It's Dwarves from the town, looking around at the ground in amazement. With the reactivation of the Pylon, the polluted grime of the Drudge Wastes is turning back to good earth.
- They discuss their next moves. De-polluting the Drudge Wastes is a great and heroic plan, but they're worried about what the god Alaunus just told them about the missing God in the heavens. Without a ninth god there is a hole in the planetary defence grid, and the Red Elves easily slip through.
- Luckily they know the tales of where the Ninth God is - deep inside Dwimmermount. They exchange half-forgotten truths - the seraphim factory, the man-turned-god Terms Termax, a portal to a city of demon frogs.

--- Base Jump
- They decide to return to Dwimmermount and awaken the slumbering god. But how?
- Oh yea, they have an airship!

- Odo is stymied from creating a Beam-Light beacon by Warm-Heart, in whose Dwarven culture it is taboo to carve a rune without due respect.
- Jojo instead casts Speak With Dad, punching Warm-Heart in the face and turning him into a living telephone to Iskander, who is currently back on the ship!
- He tells them that coming to pick them up is no problem, but they should wait until the incoming storm passes. The storm is called The Soft, and it makes your skin crinkly. It's not great for a living airship.
- They discuss how to get down to the town so that they can carouse to pass the time. Sydney mentions that they've got Feather Fall.
- Odo jumps off the Pylon.
- Sydney yells "in my spellbook! I meant in my spellbook!" and dives off the edge after her!
- Jojo looks at the camera, shrugs, and jumps too, Warm-Heart under one arm and the dancing grandfather clock under the other!
- Sydney burns mana, wild-casts Feather Fall... and it works! Odo starts drifting gently downwards, while the others' momentum keeps them going a fair distance towards Grasp. Odo cludges together a Repel Air rune (out of sight of Warm-Heart) and creates her own little engine to follow along.

--- Caroose

- Several hours later they're back in Grasp, although the walk from where they landed was much nicer over the part-healed earth than the former sludge.
- The Dwarves at the entrance are grateful and amazed! The land is healing! Even better, the slow drain of the sludge has revealed an unopened wine cellar!
- Odo is down to party! The others... not so much. Sydney and Jojo get a couple of bottles of rosé and head off to study magic together. Jojo's manservant Barry and the dancing clock join Odo, at least, and they head off to the bar. It's a lock-in!
- Behind the bar are several copies of Julgoor! They grin behind their gold masks. Out the back in an ominous shopfront, a huge many-armed Julgoor squats in the darkness and supplies keg after keg of ale.
- Elsewhere in town, Jojo and Sydney have scoured the dead houses for books! They have found many! They settle down to research spells, and overhead the electric sky gives way to the dull heavy blocked-ear feeling of the Soft...

--- Aftermath

- Days later, Odo emerges from the lock-in to find herself in a thin and pervasive mist. She remembers a bar brawl, or at least most of one. Did the clock have sex with a pig or something? She's 2000 obols down, so it must have been good.
- In the skies above is a horrible throbbing pulsating balloon of flesh. It's Jonathon Toast! Iskander shouts "ahoy there!" from above!
- Sydney and Jojo are looking far more fresh than Odo. Their magickal research was a success! Sydney has created Sydney's Sudden Siege Engine, an extradimensional garage that can fit a ballista, which they have also purchased three of. Jojo has created Barbarian Mage, which is barbarian rage but for wizards. They're very pleased.
- The clock stumbles out, bashfully avoiding eye contact with a pig. Barry follows, and tries to enact his professional duties despite his massive hangover.

--- All Aboard!

- They trudge up to the dangling intestines that now constitute Jonathon Toast's B.E.A.M. system. Slightly better than the bucket, and perversely cleans you quite well during transit. Just hold your breath!

- Inside, Jonathon Toast has changed somewhat. He's got a longer face, more rat-like, and the walls tend to be fuzzier than before. He says that reconstituting dead redshirts in his demon vats allows him to mix and match genetic material.
- He still has no sense of direction so they send him north following the river. Sydney uses Recolour to make him a calming shade of teal, which he enjoys.
- They pass over the pyramid and distantly see the Marlingspike sending big soap bubbles into space. Must be the magic they're mining out of the Earth.
- They turn him towards the black shadow wall of the Typhlotic Lands many miles upriver.

--- Bubblecraft Inbound

- There is a cry of "incoming!" and the crew look out the sphincter windows to see a large soap bubble coming alongside! Within are Red Elves, and one of them hails them!
- Odo lobs some rations at them as a peace offering, but misses. The lead Red Elf sends one of his underlings to go get it, and the underling dives out of the bubble to his probable death. He'll be back soon, no doubt.
- They trade for some red dust, and leave in peace. The leader Red Elf tells the party a pass-phrase to show they're peaceful in case they meet more of them - "May you gain this world and all upon it".

--- Just Popping Into Dwarrow
- Rain comes as they get to the edge of the Typhlotic Lands, a wall of darkness that shivers like a curtain in the light of the sun. Jonathon Toast reveals that he's got bioluminescence now!
- In here, light forms bubbles. Everything at the edge of the light is a black featureless wall. Jonathon Toast is scared.
- Nevertheless, they make it through to the great bubble of light within. The Twinned Cities of Edge & Dwarrow are below, shining great wide-beam searchlights into the sky to keep the dark away!
- Jonathon Toast refuses to go further. He is scared and wants a break. There is no rain in here either.
- Sydney berates Jonathon for cowardice.
- They land, and find themselves ignored by everyone. The old separation between Edge and Dwarrow remains. The mortal population stick to Dwarrow, favouring yellows and oranges, walking with a hunched manner like Dwarves. Demons live in Edge, a city of purples and blues. These are two cities overlaid and as long as you ignore the demons in Edge they can't see you in Dwarrow.
- Conveniently the encounter roll comes up with an antique shops selling maps to Dwimmermount! They buy the map there, and a map of Dwarrow too for good measure.
- As they leave, Odo looks up and sees a crow-beaked figure peering down at them. She waves hello, and the head darts back. A kindly old lady runs over in panic and says "oh dear, you were looking at that gargoyle weren't you! Weren't you dear? Weren't you waving it hello?"
- She draws Odo away and admonishes her - the crow-beaked people are from Breach. They police the boundary between the cities. Never look at them, or risk death. A thin crossbow bolt clatters down from above, a warning.

--- To Dwimmermount!
- They scurry on out of the city, not wanting to cause any more problems. At the exit, a bunch of dwarves from Ur-Kalladh are selling Make Light runes to travellers. This upsets Warm-Heart's cultural sensibilities, who goes to tell them off.
- They're simply made anyway, so the party sets off without them. They have their own lights.
- After some hours of walking through the dense black, feeling like they're going nowhere, they finally come to Muntberg! The sun near blinds the party after all that time in blackness!
- Muntberg is half inside the Typhlotic Zone, and has been in ruins for many years. Several houses are still good enough to camp in at least!

- Dwimmermount looms above, the well-trodden path to the top wide enough for carts to pass side by side. The huge Seraphim that once topped the mountain is no longer there, but the scars from its wings still remain.

- They loot the ruins, finding old money, a suspiciously fresh bushel of apples (one black and smoking poisonously), some specialty crossbow bolts, and a hammer that can exorcise ghosts. They decide to settle for the evening, and see what tomorrow brings...

Total: 9000 exp

Loot:

- 715 obolsworth of pre-apocalypse money (715 exp)

- Basket of Mysterious Apples
- 2 speciality Crossbow Bolts

- Hammer of Exorcism

Total: 715 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Cartergrapher (200 exp)
- Tom the Expedition Leader and Chef (200 exp)
- Ollie the Quartermaster and Vanguard (200 exp)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 84819 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 59251 (Level up at 72000)

- Tom / Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarf: 23979 (Level up at 32000)