Session 364 - This Badge Gives Me the Right to Loot

Date: 16 January

Moon: Waxing Crescent

Zenith: The Scorned

New Characters:
- Brogi, a Dwarven singer who sings beautifully but otherwise sounds like a skyrim NPC. Beardless, moustachio'd, and subtly influenced to leave Mt Grumblebelch by the Idea of Wheat.
- Divinity, a Battle Cleric from the Vatican on the hunt for the weird little guy who killed her aunt and uncle. She doesn't realise that the murderer was the recently retired Odo Grumblebelch.

New Backstory:

- Jojo's loyal retainer Barry died during the trip back from the Vatican. With his dying breaths he told Jojo a terrible truth - he is/was/will be her father! Shocked and rethinking her life, she retires to create a yoga studio in the Wheatlands. +1 Wis

Returning Characters:

- Hagan the Heretic, returning after being left behind in the Drudge Wastes. It took months for him to chase down Jonathon Toast.

Events:

--- Return to Dwimmermount

- The party collapse out of the milky portal from the Christmas Special and back into Dwimmermount - safe and sound albeit with a couple of new party members! Mysteriously, despite never having met anyone before, they are trusted implicitly.
- They continue on, their mission the same as before the magical trip to the Vatican - find the ninth god Eris who is buried deep within Dwimmermount, reactivate her, and send her up into orbit so she can complete the orbital defence network.
- Aximander smashes a window and seizes some bleeding mushrooms.

--- Brogi's Mad New Brooch

- New guy Brogi forges ahead. He sees a strange mural and briefly goes mad. He has to be held down until he snaps out of it.
- The others walk through the room shielding their eyes, and head through another door.
- Divinity invokes the Blessings of the Nine and gives everyone a little buff courtesy of The Scorned.
- Inside the room is a big well and a thin walkway around the side. There's a lever on the other side, and glooping from within the pit.
- Divinity uses her whip to pull the level, revealing a gold case! Brogi sneaks round, nearly falls in, and makes his way to the case. Within is a Star Trek style pin. It talks to him like a bad Alexa!
- Brogi comes back as quickly as possible, luckily he's quick enough to avoid the curling tendril of the black pudding that lives in the pit!

--- Big Treasure!

- The next room has bubbles containing a glowing gas. Brogi's brooch chimes and informs the bubbles not to attack an authorised bearer of a brooch. Brogi is free to continue!
- A locked door opens as he approaches, also verified by the brooch. Inside is mad treasure! He's the only one who can get in here! He loads up his handcart with delicious loot!
- He takes it all back out, and Aximander uses his trader-elf powers to inspect the loot. Good thing too, because some of the items are cursed! Selling, losing or otherwise divesting oneself of various items will cause you to halve your intelligence!

--- Buff Rats

- While this is all going on, some ratmen arrive! Their eyes widen at the loot and scurry over to get some!
- Sydney cloudkills one of them, and nearly kills his new low-level friends too! Divinity and Brogi flee the poison gas! The others butcher the last ratman.
- The casting was hurried and nearly went awry, Sydney is now surrounded by an aura of intense plant growth!

--- Go Speed Racer!

- Divinity is on Brogi's handcart. They burst through a door and run into a bunch of swole bipedal unicorn guys! The unicorn men are amazed at this treasure turning up, and ask them to "share".
- Brogi instead FLEES! There is an insane chase scene as Brogi manages to zoom off, zipping down corridors and getting thoroughly lost in what turns out to be a teleportation maze!
- They escape handily, but they're now lost in the dungeon...

--- Follow the Tracks

- The others, none the wiser, have gotten past the gas bubbles and are attempting to follow the tyre tracks left by Brogi. They swiftly surmise that there's a teleportation puzzle afoot.
- Nevertheless, with a bit of luck and a bit of Guiding Lights from Aximander, they meet back up!

- Divinity has already investigated - there's a familiar croaking sound as of frog monsters through a bulkhead door... but that will have to wait for next time!

Total: 7000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- 2 ratmen and their rats (50 exp)

Treasures Acquired:

- Alexa badge.

- Gold laquered box for said badge (300 exp)

- 9000 obols in old roman coins (9000 exp)

- Amethyst (500 exp)
- Silver necklace (500 exp)
- Gem-inlaid iron ring with Terms Termax face (1500 exp)
- Statue of a female cleric (2000 exp)
Total: 13800 exp

Exp Totals: 

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 116626 (Level up at 144000)

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 55022 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 10957 (Level up at 16000)

- Tom / Brogi Grumblebelch, Level 3 Dwarven Skald: 4270 (Level up at 8000)

Level Up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Divinity, Level 2 Battle-Cleric: 4270 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Faith! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 toSaves! +Backstory!

KILL THE POPE Christmas Special: Final Season - THE FINAL CHAPTERS - Special Part 2

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh

Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim

Events:

--- Start As You Mean to Go On

- We open in the Pope's bedroom. Grogg Greedy, absent the player, is in a quantum state beneath the bed. Jojo is atop it, confusing a seduced Cardinal - Father Boswick. Odo is stuffing valuables into her beard, including a pope hat. Deletion is feeding magic mushrooms to the birds.
- Elsewhere, Sydney is hiding in the Popemobile. They just found some flashcards to complete the ritual in the bench they're hiding in.
- To everyone's surprise, Aximander is here too! He appears at the door and sliiiides under the bed because the Pope himself is coming! Father Boswick and Jojo hide under there too, and Deletion crawls in too after briefly considering posing as a statue. Good thing it's a big bed!

- Odo, finally getting round to unlocking her next Dwarven Lorebond, chokes Boswick to death with her beard. Deletion begins to digest him.
- While that happens, two of the huge guards show up! Behind them is the Ennean Pope himself! I mishear "Pope Urbanus" as "Pope Obamus" and the Pope now speaks in a nice baritone and loves drone strikes.
- A priest, Father Lupin, obsequiously follows behind and notes that the spare pope hat is gone.
- Odo swiftly chucks the hat up onto the bed while nobody is looking. Father Lupin sees it, takes it, looks down, and sees the people under the bed. Jojo fakes Boswick's voice and says it's just an orgy!
- Father Lupin hides a smile and asks the Pope to join him on a stroll round the garden. They leave with the guards.

--- Just a Quick Snoop

- Odo's heart pulses. Ancient genetic locks open. The lore-fetters in her Dwarven soul cracks open further. Her fingers twitch, and the stuff she stashed in her beard falls out as she weaves her beard anew into the War-Beard!
- The others look on appreciatively. It's very nicely plaited, intricate, and somehow intimidating.
- Deletion emerges in the form of Father Boswick. Something tickles in his mind... a door behind the wardrobe! He opens it, and the embers of Boswick's memories let him find the hidden latch. Beyond is a nice room overlooking the city and museum. A silver staff of office is just lying there! He grabs it.
- Aximander is sitting on a shelf, since he's an Elf and it's purportedly still Christmas. Odo sprinkles holy water on a poisoned apple she has (holy water being catnip for popes I guess?) - she calls it Pomme de Pope Morte and calls it a recipe. Who am I to deny this becoming a proper meal?
- Jojo prepares Polymorph Elf so she can turn Aximander into the Pope if necessary.

--- Pope Obamus Returns
- The Pope returns after destabilising north Africa and questions the elf on the shelf. Deletion signals to attack! Odo grabs the Pomme de Pope Morte, attempts to throw it into the Pope's mouth... and fumbles. Odo eats the apple!
- Deletion, in Father Boswick form, steps forward as if to protect the Pope. Psych! He mutates his arm into the paralytic touch attack and flails at the Pope! Pope Obamus falls, knocking his head on the nightstand.
- Deletion eats the Pope.
- Deletion transforms into the Pope.
- Deletion, a hardcore protestant, suddenly realises that he's becomes the thing he hates the most!
- Deletion's self-loathing grows as he ordains the others. Time to replace the Pope in the parade!

--- Switcheroo Switch-Up!

- Sydney is still in the Popemobile, the only person (so far as they know) with a plan. Wait until the Pope enters, summon an extradimensional portal to their extradimensional flat, drag the Pope inside, and replace him in the Popemobile wearing the spare clothes! Perfect!
- The Pope enters the Popemobile. There is a clunk as two enormous guards grasp the front of the carriage and begin pulling it out of the stable.
- Sydney pops out and GRABS the Pope and THROWS him into the Safe Space flat!
- There is a cry of "what the hell it's me!" as Deletion-Pope crashes into the living room onto his favourite chair!

--- Ritual Completion
- The others, who are acting as a sort of honour guard, use the party's incredibly detailed system of winks, tiny hand signals, and mouth twitches to teamchat to Sydney the situation. That's Deletion-Pope down there! Sydney-Pope grimaces but continues the charade, there are crowds after all!
- They go all the way to the Basilica, and Sydney-Pope exits towards the doors. But what's this? Deletion-Pope is there too! And who's that? Aximander-Pope, transformed by Jojo's magic!
- It's a Christmas miracle! Somehow they blag it!

--- The Idea of Wheat

- Atop the Vatican balcony, final words for the ritual ready to go, there is sudden debate. What do they replace the Idea of Thorns with? What's the funniest, most interesting and/or most narratively satisfying?
- They go with, after much debate, the Idea of Wheat!
- It inverts the Thorns philosophy of anti-civilisation, instead instilling a drive for agrarian development and natural hierarchies. Repairing the world and allowing the party's ultimate quest to begin - the goal of transforming the Earth into a generic Tolkeinesque fantasy setting.
- They speak the words, and the world changes! Aximander-Pope releases Dancing Lights and the crowd cheers uncomprehending as the Idea of Thorns, spread so far by Gifflewim, becomes the Idea of Wheat!

--- The Last Treasures

- Gifflewim appears out of sight to congratulate them, and helps grab the Maleficum Demonorium buried within the balcony, which contains the secret names of all demons.

- Since they're all popes, they can access the treasury! Much coin is stuffed into pockets!
- The milk portal opens... but Deletion-Pope doesn't come through. He is going to stay on as the only Pope. He has finally become the negation of the Deletion. As Pope, he will reform and undermine the faith from within.
- The others drift into the milk portal, kicking Odo Grumblebelch out on the way. She's retiring too, back to Mt Grumblebelch. A bittersweet milky parting.

- The rest are deposited back where they started, deep inside Dwimmermount, ready to continue their quest!

Total: 8000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
- Pope Obamus II (20 exp)
Total: 20 exp

Treasures Acquired:
- Tons of treasure from the treasury (25000 exp)
- Silver Staff of Office (1500 exp)
- Pope Hat (400 exp)
Total: 26 900 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 112356 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 7 Muscle Wizard: 76176 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 50752 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 27847 (Level up at 36000)

- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 23266 (Level up at 32000)

Session 362 - KILL THE POPE Christmas Special

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh

Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim

New Backstory:

- Grogg Greedy was starving, and in an apparent act of generosity offered bread to a beggar. Alas, it was to tempt the beggar into an alley where Grogg devoured him. Gain max healing when you eat to heal.
- Deletion Snels figuratively burnt Styx's house down when he released a virus into the Fate mainframe. Enemies you light on fire start off at 2d4 damage.

Events:

--- The Milky Magic of Christmas

- Deep beneath Dwimmermount, holding loot, in the midst of a dungeon delve, our heroes are preparing to go deeper into the dungeon.
- But it's Christmas Eve!
- Before them a portal full of milk opens up and starts dripping all over the floor! A familiar face pokes its head out from the portal - Gifflewim! He tells them - "Come on guys, no time to explain! We've got to kill the pope!"
- This is a dream come true for fantasy-protestant Deletion Snels.
- They enter the portal and Gifflewim explains the problem - the Pope is enacting a ritual wherein he will use papal magic to replace the Idea of Thorns with the Ninefold Idea. This will make the Nine High Gods aspects of him. The Pope will be the ultimate god above all gods!
- Kill the Pope and this can be stopped. Kidnap the Pope, however, and you will be able to replace the Thorns with something else...
- Why can't he do this himself? Unfortunately the Vatican is designed to contain a vast multitude of intelligent artifacts, captured godlike and/or god-adjacent entities, entities mistaken for gods etc etc. Gifflewim is such an entity, and... also many of those entities have their own issues with him.
- The portal opens up on the outskirts of the Vatican, portal-milk already attracted a bunch of stray cats. Gifflewim passes out a few florins to the party and tells them they have two days! The ritual finishes at the Urbi et Orbi on Christmas Day, so kill or kidnap him before then!

--- Vatican Christmas Village
- There's snow everywhere and a whole Christmas village set up on the outskirts of Vatican City. Red birds flit through the christmas trees, and people are making merry! They approach and notice huge guards with great-hammers in sealed red armour patrolling, the crowds going silent as they draw near.
- Strangely enough, despite speaking a multitude of different languages, everyone can understand each other!
- Sydney goes off off to a civil admin building to start working on the heist. Odo runs off to the Vatican art gallery, while the others head towards the classic christmas market bar selling overpriced mulled wines
- They overhear various conversations, including that the Swiss Guard are dangerous and cannot be bought, the priests are venal and corrupt, and the Vatican is built over and inside a vast Ophanim angel fallen to Earth.

- Also the calendars are reset from noon on Christmas Eve to sunrise the next day. During this time the Gods cannot see one's sins, and thus all is permitted. Less "Purge" and more general debauchery vibes.

--- Shenanigans Ensue

- Odo is in the art gallery discovering paintings of Aspects of the Nine High Gods. Nonanism claims all deities as its own, rendering any foreign gods as Aspects. This is borne out in the paintings, where there have been careful alterations made to show this.
- He tells a bored-looking museum guard that he saw someone casting Photograph on a painting! The guard says that it's impossible, spellcasting attracts the red birds.
- He goes to the gift shop and meets the busty salesperson, whose description summons Grogg Greedy from afar.
- He perturbs her enough to make her call a manager. Grogg goes round the corner, waylays the manager, and throws him back into the staff room. He eats the manager and becomes him.
- Odo buys a very anachronistic statuette of the Old Grump and quietly leaves.
- Later, Grogg in his manager guise returns and tries to seduce the salesperson to little effect.

--- Meanwhile, Shenanigans Ensue
- Over at the bar, a tangled web of relationships starts to unspool. The barman and his wife own the bar, and it's manned by their children. The wife is cheating on the husband, but reveals to Jojo (half-naked, allegedly mugged) that she wants a divorce. To save her own reputation she wants Jojo to seduce her husband, get "caught", and do a divorce reversal.

- Jojo duly attempts this, but dude isn't interested.
- However, at this point Odo shows up! Turns out that the barman is an aficionado of Dwarven gender and spots the subtle signs that she's a woman. She walks up, slaps him on the arse, and asks for a shag. He's painfully aroused, and suggests Cardinal Gomstead's house because he knows that the cardinal's busy today.
- They scurry off, leaving the bartending to the children. His wife follows gleefully.

--- The Heist Begins
- Alone, Sydney has left the civil admin building with a variety of information about the parade route, exit points, blind spots, and guard schedules. They head for the stables where the parade will begin.
- Amid the festivities, it's easy to slip into the stables. The Popemobile is open and unlocked, and clearly intended to be pulled by two huge Swiss Guards. Conveniently the bench in there opens up! It's even got spare papal robes! Sydney slides in, ready to replace the Pope when he arrives...

--- Elsewhere, Further Shenanigans
- In Cardinal Gomstead's empty house, Odo and the barman are attempting to get it on. Unfortunately for both, the barman admits that he's never actually cheated and wants to make his wife jealous because he knows she's been cheating on him! After some persuasion, he's ready to actually give it a go.
- She ties him up and blindfolds him while seductively putting various valuable items into her beard.
- Suddenly, here's the wife! How unexpected! She cries false tears and Odo, knowing the truth about who's cheating on who... kills her!
- A crimson bird flutters to the window and looks in.
- Jojo busts in and performatively begins CPR - totally an accident mister bird! Totally!
- More birds arrive, they jostle for space on the windowsill.
- Jojo heads out the front door and is confronted by one of the Swiss Guards. The birds flutter around him, landing on shoulders and helmet.
- Inside, Odo dives out the window. The birds follow. She's heading for St Peter's Basilica, straight for a confession booth. Behind... the red-armoured Swiss Guard implacably turns to follow.

--- Sir Ratigan
- Grogg, Jojo and Deletion have met up at the art gallery. There is a covered bridge that goes across to the fallen angel that makes up the Vatican.
- There are guards, and Jojo has already discovered that the head guard is a Ratman called Sir Ratigan who guards the Vatican. Grogg, in his manager guise, brings him a coffee and introduces Deletion Snels as a new guard. Just hired, you see.
- Sir Ratigan says that there's a hazing ritual - new recruits must enter the Vatican naked. Deletion does so, to snickers, but the door is opened anyway! Inside, a ritual is indeed being prepared.
- Sir Ratigan gets suspicious of Grogg's disguise when he can't remember some recent events.
- Luckily Jojo is here! She attempts to seduce Sir Ratigan... and is again rejected. She's getting quite self-conscious now. She's a beautiful woman! Why can't she seduce anyone!?

- Forgive me Father
- Odo busts into a confessional booth and hurriedly begins recounting her sins. She just killed a woman in someone's house and stole all the valuables. Please, father, forgive me.
-He says that all sins are forgiven during Christmastide, but out of interest, which house was it?
- She replies that it was Cardinal Gomstead's house... and the priest bellows with rage! HE is Father Gomstead and those were HIS valuables and HIS nice carpet!

- A huge muscular arm bursts through the screen, red feather quills emerging haphazardly! It grasps Odo around the throat and throws her from the confessional!
- She flees, the Cardinal growing more monstrous behind her, and runs into the Swiss Guard who was lurking outside!
- But what's this? That symbol...
- Due to backstory nonsense, the Swiss Guard is actually part of the Yawning Eye secret society that Odo is also part of! Convenient! The guard's armour peels back, red birds fly out, and it closes around her. Through the cracks in the armour she sees Cardinal Gomstead, enraged, searching for her. The armour waits for him to leave, then strides towards the art gallery and the rest of the party.

--- The Pope's Bedroom

- Back at the covered bridge to the Vatican, Jojo is trying to fight Sir Ratigan for rejecting her! Odo shows up inside the armour and is disgorged. Odo says that she's here to take Jojo in!
- Sir Ratigan isn't having it, and after a series of further shenanigans tries to get them thrown into the jail cells just inside the Vatican. Instead, they knock Sir Ratigan out and throw him in there! Manager-Grogg takes the armour.
- The explore the Vatican, itself built inside and over the quiescent mechanical angel. They come across a Cardinal inside an inner chapel. He questions why the manager is here, and in armour at that.
- He tells them that the catacombs filled with Low Gods and demons are below, completely unguarded. This is because they will tear you to shreds. They are trapped down there, unable to escape above a certain point.
- Jojo says she wants to sleep with the Cardinal in the Pope's bed. Finally, the seduction works! This venal Cardinal will take them all up there because he's a freak!
- They reach the bedroom and find a grand four-poster in an opulent room. The red cardinal birds are flying in and out of the open windows, partaking of the bird feeders hanging around the room. The Cardinal himself looks at Jojo lasciviously.

--- Final Positions:

- Jojo throws the Cardinal onto the bed. She straddles him... but her invisible armour prevents him from getting any further.
- Grogg, anticipating the Pope's eventual return, slides under the bed. The sounds above make his forehead turgid.
- Deletion feeds some alleged "magic mushrooms" he found to the birds, they begin acting very strangely.
- Odo, wearing her carefully braided Storage Beard, loots the fuck out of papal suite!

--- Wasn't This Meant to Be a Heist?
- And under a pile of spare Pope garb, inside the seat in the Popemobile, Sydney waits for their chance to strike. Surely the rest of the party is in position... right?

Total: 1200 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- The barman's wife (0 exp)

- The art gallery manager (0 exp)

- Sir Ratigan (10 exp)
Total: 10 exp

Treasures Looted:

- 1130 florins-worth of assorted valuables (1130 exp)

- The Stole of Shouting

Total: 1130 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 105372 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 69192 (Level up at 72000)

- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 20863 (Level up at 36000)

- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 16282 (Level up at 32000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond +Backstory

- Charles / Grogg Greedy, Level 4 Inheritor: 10812 (Level up at 18000)