Session 433 - Wasteland Wanderers

Date: 11th November 1625

Zenith Deity: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Third Quarter

Moon Face: Dirty Face

New Backstory:

- Havarti Honeybun was in love with a Knotsman, who of course was part of the people keeping her clan enslaved in the Veins of the Earth. She couldn't be together with him, so she permanently made him a part of her... by killing and eating him. At the start of each session, +2 AC until you commit a dishonourable act.

- Ghost Snels had a beautiful pastor's garden on account of his green thumb. Tragically, his smoking skull-head makes it difficult to tend to plant life despite his skill. +2 to reaction rolls with plant-based creatures.

- Hidra's uncle died protecting him from scavengers during the Poisoned Years, and Hidra has never truly forgiven himself. If an ally would die, take a crit from whatever killed them to make them unconscious instead.

Events:

--- We Don't Need Roads

- With the wasteland castle officially cleared and defended, our heroes are now clear to go elsewhere! Perusing the local map, they identify a whole bunch of interesting stuff that they'd like to check out. The plan is to do a big loop and end up at the town at the end of the enormous bridge that leads to the Goblin city of Grendel.

- The weather is, as ever, abysmal. Autumn brings a variety of rains that all suck in different ways. Thankfully Hidra has his old war-wagon which keeps everyone safe from the worst of the rain.

- Hidra and Sulphur get on surprisingly well, with Hidra impressing everyone with his skill at the reins.

--- One of Several Categories of Phallic Objects

- The first landmark is a Pylon (separate to Markingspikes, but in a similar league to Pyramids).

- This Pylon, a huge jutting three-sided edifice that looms above the Wastes, is surrounded by real actual tree-based non-mushroom forest. Misty rain pours down. Birds chirp from the rainsoaked branches. It's just like old times!

- They spy Glimmerjack, a sort of softly-glowing shallot, in the roots of the trees and gather enough for a meal or two.

- Havarti approaches the Pylon itself and sees that the black-and-yellow-edged bunker doors are wide open. There is a sizzle of bluish electricity from within when she chucks a rock through.

- She comes closer and waves the end of her shortbow past the threshold.  She hears a squeaky voice but nought else.

--- Exploratory Support

- She enters and sees blue-skinned and blue-winged goblins walking away from her to her left. They must be the source of the light and goblin voices, but they don't sound particularly agitated so she assumes they're simply on patrol.

- She takes the corridor in the other direction and comes to a door that sounds like it traps a whirlwind. The rest of the party choose this moment to sneak in behind her.

- She opens the door and WHOOOOSH! There is indeed a whirlwind within! The walls are enscribed with a repeating motif of Cold and Heat glyphs, but there are no master runes to actually create the tornado that tears at her clothes and hair.

- She retreats, closes the door, and backs into the rest of the gang. She looks very windswept!

--- The Scorned

- They try another door and discover a large chamber with a large circular plinth in the centre. A black mirror takes up the whole south wall.

- They poke and prod and - wow! - the expected god-hologram appears! This week The Scorned is at zenith, and so a man dressed in rusted iron and wielding a rusted blade shimmers into existence.

- Hidra, as the only Nonanist in the group, takes the lead.

- He learns a fair amount of stuff from the love-bombing pervert god. The Pylons take the energies of Marduk, Superchron Dragon and redirect them into the Pyramid network which once pumped poison downwards. This Pylon is currently active, hence the beech and oak forest that surrounds it.

- They decide to leave the Pylon as is. It's on, all is well, let's not fuck with it for no reason. They quietly leave with no issue.

--- Popularity Crater

- The next stop is the big crater they saw several weeks ago while crashing their whale balloon. It's dark by the time they arrive, and the rain is constant. At the edge of the crater they see a small mob of goblins all with pale white pupil-less eyes and shelf fungus stepping down their necks.

- Their leader is a squat goblin with huge pupils and a wide ruff of fungus around his neck. Ghost Snels takes the fore due to his green thumb and his affinity for plantlife.

- They accept him for now! These are motile Goblins associated with the immotile Morning Light Mountain, but the hobgoblin leader has been away from the hivemind for long enough to start thinking for itself. Any hint of breaking free and his minions turn to look at him with a blind and baleful gaze.

- At the centre of the crater is a spike of rock upon which black armour stands watchful. The Goblins will not approach it for it destroys all goblins who come near. It shines with a wan grey glow.

- Havarti touches the hobgoblin's hand and sends a flash of consciousness into him. He is her creature now. A failsafe triggers. His shelf-fungus minions turn towards him with slavering gums.

- "RUN, FUNGUS, RUN!!" yells Havarti! The hobgoblin flees across the suppurating wastes, spewing enoki from his gullet, pursued by his young!

--- The Worst Stillsuit

- They trudge across the stone of the crater and approach the black armour. The suit hinges open and half a goblin slops to the ground, spine broken. The rest follows a few seconds later. It stands open and inviting.

- Hidra throws caution to the wind and enters the suit! It closes around him, pinching shut at wrists and waist and anus. He is worn by the armour. A voice echoes in his head. This is (to my surprise) Castigate Pox, Necromancer-General!

- The crater was formed when he detonated Rake Hacker's soul, wiping out a legion of shelf-goblin adversaries. The axe that was the whirlwind is long gone. Castigate can now only move if he's wearing somebody.

- Much is discussed in regards to how Hidra poops and pisses now that he's inside the suit. The answers cause much mirth amongst the ensemble. Short answer - don't stand on carpet for long.

--- A Night Unburdened

- Havarti shrugs and makes sure to gather some of the Goblin enoki spewed by the cratertop hobgoblin as he fled.

- They spend the night without food, planning instead to eat outside their next stop - a mysterious crypt.

--- Dawn

- This morning is the Warning. Soft clouds boom with cloud-to-cloud lightning. In years past this weather warned that the poison storms were well on their way. Today they portend lesser deaths.

- Nieval sleeps in his bubble-tent, immune to the alien smallpox that would slowly kill a nonbeliever in Qusilism. Ghost Snels and Havarti Honeybun, cooped up in the cart overnight, need their space.

- The sky rumbles. Havarti shifts uncomfortably. There is the distant sound of a woodchipper.

--- A Late Luncheon

- They reach the crypt and find it a straight-sided construction of pale white stone. Ancient, timeless, and mausoleum-esque at a stretch. More formed than built.

- Hidra cooks up Gloam Stew with Havarti's help. It's just Glimmerjack in water, but it's finally a repeat recipe. Yippee!

- They eat thin slabs of nasty cheese as they wait for it to be cooked.

- The meal is palatable.

--- Down, Down, King of Bones with a Coral Crown

- The crypt contains a spooky staircase that plunges deep into the earth. Hidra asks the armour that bears him what this is, but Castigate has never been here before.

- Sulphur feels the weight of magic. This place is old. The stone pulses with ancient energies.
- They descend six hundred and sixty-six steps to a room whose ceiling mosaic ceiling writhes in their vision. A huge many-eyed and many-armed melted cartilaginous skeleton is part-melted into the ground. 

- Sulphur raises the being. It claws its way from the stony floor as a wibbly wobbly cartilage skeleton.

- Havarti, Hidra and Sulphur behold the ceiling for a good day or so. In each of their minds, placed carefully by an nth-dimensional hand, is the knowledge of a ritual that can Bind the Shambler of the Endless Night.

- It requires 34 sacrificed wizards, two hours, and shackles crafted of black diamond.

- The party leave the dungeon the following day. In the mean time, Ghost Snels has been reading books. The Isle of Wights is almost totally destroyed (due to bone dragon emergence). Separately, the Witch Pirate of Guernsey yet lives!

 Total: 11000 exp

Treasures:

- Castigate Pox

- Forbidden Knowledge

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of Motile goblins (70 exp)

- Their master (30 exp)

Total: 100 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer, Paymaster and Chef (400 exp/level)
- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Ollie the Quartermaster (100 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Artist (100 exp/level)

Exp Calc:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 5 Boo-gilist: 33701 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 5 Specialist: 15878 (Level up at 28000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

- Carter / Hidra, Level 3 Fighter: 7302 (Level up at 8000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 3 Denialist Cleric: 6402 (Level up at 9000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +Faith! +Healing Pool! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Havarti Honeybun, Level 3 Halfling: 5445 (Level up at 8000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

Session 422 - Ghosts'n Goblins - Halloween Tower Defence Special!

Date: 28th October 1625

Zenith Deity: Oberon
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent
Moon Face: Pocked Face

New Characters:

- Hidra, a mighty Fighter and former road warrior

Returning Characters:

- Nostradama, a Cleric who is now a moaning zombie!!! A dead foe rises as a fellow zombie per round!

- Nieval the Good, a Specialist who has become a haunted doll!! Possess the being that holds you!
- Ghost Snels, a Cleric who is now a spooky scary skeleton!! +4AC, 1 damage from non-Smashy, if hit Xylophone and swap all players' spooky gimmick!

- Likelangelo, a Specialist who has become a fearsome ghoul!! Unarmed claw/claw that stuns!

- Hidra the new Fighter emerges as a cackling witch!! Foresee die rolls, and throw potions!

- Sulphur the Boo-Gilist is fittingly a g-g-g-ghost!! Pick two of seen/heard/felt, and swap if unperceived!

Events:

--- Halloweeeeeen Gimmiiiiiick!

- All the characters, including newly arriving Hidra who is a Knight of Gryphon, have been turned into SPOOKY THINGS! Some table-swapping occurs while I'm distracted!

- At the front entrance to the now-cleared crumbling castle dungeon, the spooky team look out across the horrible Goblin wastes and see a sea of pumpkin-headed goblins swarming towards them!

- Gifflewim emerges and tells them what they have already ascertained - a swarm of pumpkin-headed goblins are going to attempt to swarm the castle! Defend it with your spooky lives! At the end, the player-voted MVP will gain spooky powers forevermore!

--- Defensive Positions

- The goblins are trying to get to the enchanted crystal bed deep in the castle, so it's a good thing that our heroes have a very hands-on knowledge of the traps! They go to various room, ready to ambush and redirect the pumpkin hordes.

- A loud cackle is heard and the pumpkins invade! Several are mown down in the first wave, those that get through enter the pit trap room and fall in! Meanwhile Hidra mans the mounted repeater crossbows behind the arrow slits and starts mowing them down.

- The boss of the wave is a spooky ghostly version of Likelangelo, named Ghostelangelo! In a dramatic twist, Nieval in his Haunted Doll form possesses the boss monster and makes him jump down the spiky pit! Instant defeat!

--- Ghost Goblins

- The next wave is headed by a split between pumpkin-headed goblins and a new threat... goblins with bedsheets over their heads! OOoOOoOoo!

- In a Halloween twist, the ghost goblins actually act like ghosts! They can fly and go through walls! They are still physical beings though, so the fight is bitter and bloody all the same.

- Hidra heads to the helhound room to unleash some chaos.

- The boss of the wave is Nostrademon! Spooky energy flies out and everyone changes spook-type!

- Hidra grapples the boss while Sulphur joins the grapple and stabs in with the wiggly dagger!

- Likelangelo (spook-type Ghost, no relation to the defeated Ghostelangelo) scares the Nostrademon with a powerful BOO! which scares it away! Defeated!

--- Got That Dawg In 'Em

- There is a baying of hounds from the front door! Goblins in dog masks come slavering forth!

- Likealangelo's witch-stolen familiar Gorrible, a horrible vulture-bat-thing, sweeps forward to attack the goblins who are scampering in on all fours and trying to take people down in packs!

- Nieval, currently a Haunted Doll, possesses a goblin at the back and sends it at its fellows.

- Zombie-form Sulphur is busy sending his zombie minions into combat, then supporting them with a flurry of punches.

- The final boss arrives... Gryphon, Fairy-Tale Prince! It's the Gryphon from before his hundred year slumber come to reclaim his castle! He floats charmingly through the air!
- He is surrounded by the souls of the fallen castle servants and they must all be slain to defeat him!

- The team prepare for desperate combat... until Sulphur realises that this time ghost is indeed a time GHOST and thus vulnerable to a Necromancer punch!!

- He leaps forward and punches the prince straight in the jaw, bringing him under Sulphur's control! Boss defeated!

--- Elucidating Questions

- As the ultimate commander of the Halloween-themed invasion force, Temporal Gryphon knows things about his master Morning Light Mountain. They get three questions.

-- What is its greatest weakness? As a plant, it's vulnerable to herbicides.

-- What are its ultimate plans? To absorb or destroy all other life.

-- Why are you obeying it, and could we get them same? It gives eternal life of a sort, and it has vast knowledge.

--- Trick or Treat!

- Finally, treats! Their labours uncover many strange objects.

-- Hidra finds vials of Frost Mask - an icy substance that frightens fire. Flames will not approach the wearer for a full day. 3 doses.

-- Nieval finds a small friendly kitten with glowing yellow eyes.

-- Sulphur finds magic lipstick. Kissing something while wearing it makes a mouth grow where you kissed which can tell you stuff the thing might know. Lasts d4 rounds. Magic is one-use but the lipstick itself is in a fetching sort of muted rose shade that would look pretty good on him. 

-- Likelangelo claims the Helmet of Delayed Speed. Give up an action this round to get two in the next.

-- Ghost Snels finds Oil of Brutal Noise. When applied, the wearer finds all sounds to be incredibly painful, taking 1HP damage per clash or round of sustained noise. Lasts 10 minutes.

- Nostradama finds a huge regenerating chorizo! Encumbers. 1/10 chance of the magic running out per ration used at once (ie. 3 rations in a meal, 3/10 chance)

Totals: 7000 exp

Treasures claimed:

- See above!

Foes Defeated:

- Countless pumpkin-headed goblins (500 exp)

- Many bedsheet-wearing ghost goblins (1000 exp)

- A load of dog-masked hound goblins (1500 exp)

- Ghostelangelo (500 exp)

- Nostrademon (1000 exp)

- Gryphon, Fairytale Prince (1500 exp)

Total: 6000 exp

OOC:

- Issy the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- George the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Triage (100 exp/level)

- Carter the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 41376 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 5 Boo-gilist: 30981 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 4 Specialist: 13158 (Level up at 14000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

- Issy / Likelangelo, Level 4 Specialist: 8747 (Level up at 14000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 2 Fighter: 3882 (Level up at 4000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 2 Denialist Cleric: 3882 (Level up at 4500)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +Faith! +Healing Pool! +Backstory!

Session 421 - Dungeon Clear!

Date: 21st October 1625

Zenith Deity: Dispater
Moon Phase: Third Quarter
Moon Face: Dragon Face

New Characters:
- Ghost Snels, RETURNED! Just different! And a g-g-g-ghost! He is a Cleric of Denialism and as such hates the False Gods.

New Backstory:

- Gryphon was horrified when his hundred-years-and-a-day cursed slumber meant he had outlived everyone he knew. Or at least outlived most of them, given how many of his former aquaintances had turned into shadows and zombies and stuff. Once per session, come across someone who you saw previously this session.

Events:

--- Helpful Goblinos

- The party awaken in the belly of the Wasteland Castle, surrounded by goblins! These are the helpful mushroom-headed goblins they met last time, so it's fine. Gryphon keeps whispering about how he wants to clear them out, but he is swayed by the rest of the party into being cordial.

- The goblins inform them how to get to the final evil haunting the dungeon - a witch called Grendigack!

--- The Route to Grendigack

- They traverse a hall where the pillars are stone women holding up the ceiling. Every time you look away they change positions. Nieval traverses via BMX and it's fine. The head of Gryphon's father says that these statues are enchanted with blood magic seized from Gryphon's veins and keyed to killing goblins only.

- The next room has a well containing clean water... and a bow! Likelangelo manoeuvres the bow out of the well via ten foot pole. It's got a crucifix design, complete with Jesus, and the water from the well curls up to form the string!

- They hand it to Ghost Snels since he is a (very spooky) Cleric. He fires it experimentally at one of Sulphur's necromantic constructs and finds that it can transfer HP on hit! Sadly he's a level 1 Cleric so doesn't have a lot to give.

- He palms it off to the relatively behitpointed Gryphon who summarily shoots him to heal him up.

- Ghost Snels sees a secret door framed in indigo. He persuades Likelangelo to press the brick that opens the door. It opens, but releases a gas that knocks Likelangelo out!

- Hefting Likelangelo's inert form, they continue.

--- Diagetic Memory Loss

- This room is the one where Gryphon awoke. There is a bed with a shattered glass canopy, Sleeping Beauty style, and the walls are daubed with art showing the draining of Gryphon's cursed life-force.
- Gryphon reaches for his favourite pillow and HARK

- He experiences a flash of pure terror and his memories are DRAINED. He wants to get OUT OF HERE.

--- Grendigack

- The next room contains books... and a witch! Likelangelo stirs and slides onto his feet.

- She looks up from her grim green cauldron and declares that she is Grendigack! An awful dog and a huge spider-salamander-thing wind around her feet and a horrible vulture thing lands on her classic witch hat.

- She drains life through memories, for memories are life. She lairs in a library.

- Nieval downs a potion, turns invisible, and surges forth on his BMX. He realises that the witch is really very attractive for an older woman. He seizes the crow-vulture-thing and ZIPS out of the room! It dies, somehow, in his hands. Corpse-smoke flows back into the witch's cauldron.
- Behind him the witch summons shadow. She cackles in the gloom.

- Sulphur blinks away ichor-eyedrops and sees souls. The witch's soul burns with power, connected via filaments to the familiars around her. Sulphur huffs a Last Breath as a parabellum and death-metal-growls at her minions.

- The battle is terrifying. Familiars pounce and, if the witch is hit, die. Then they reform from her effluvia and pounce again.

- Sulphur sends in skeletons which do a startling amount of damage! The witch is on her last legs already!

- Gryphon gets the last hit, decapitating the witch with the crucifix bow and simultaneously shooting himself in the chest to heal.

- The familiars dissolve, the witch turns into smoke, and all flow into the darkly frothing cauldron.

--- Denied Resurrection

- To forestall any bullshit they create a fire and pour her boiling reforming body onto the coals. Very clever. The witch is dead!

- Her familiars are attaching to those who will for them. Gryphon gains Grim Gertrude, granting great gnashing. Ghost Snels claims Flamerge the Spider-Salamander thing, allowing a poison attack. Likelangelo gains Gorrible the vulture-thing, who will counterattack those who try to kill its master.

- The chest in the room contains a skull-shaped ruby that causes fear and drains memories. Along with it are black-and-white pipes that are beloved by rats.

--- Various Treasures

Furthermore, books!
-- #370 - POWERLAD: What Witches Want

-- #284 - On Agriculture

-- #111 Ninhursag, Clathrate Dragon

-- #290 - On Philosophy

-- ## The Isle of Wights

Furthermore, treasures!

-- Nieval finds a Bowel Rope. Formed of woven intestines. Bite the end and it crawls like a snake.

-- Gryphon finds rare spices. 9 meals-worth. Add incredible deliciousness to a meal.

-- Sulphur finds a vial of acid! 1d8 acid damage on hit.

-- Likelangelo finds a Ghost Pendant that allows him to shift into the Ghost Dimension for a round.

-- Ghost Snels finds a Ghost Bomb which, when triggered, heals undead and hurts the living in its radius.

--- Dungeon Clear!

- The dungeon in the wastes is now officially CLEAR despite the occasional resident.

- Gryphon is informed of the many things that his dad did during the long years while he was a sleeping beauty and his dad was experimenting with artificial longevity. Dad seems evil to be honest.

- Gryphon's childhood dog, name of Bigsby, runs up to him as they leave. The dog has a mouthful of ever-burning hellfire. Gryphon doesn't care, the dog is back!

--- Enter the Cook

- They reach the outside and find their campsite.

- Nieval plays the Pied Pipes to summon a bunch of rats, then cooks a meal of "Rats, Cheese, Lard and Bowels" named Ratwurst.
- It's actually nice wtf

--- Postamble

- Gryphon replaces the healing bow into the well, reapplying the healing properties.

- He retires to his ancestral castle. Next time... the Knight of Gryphon??

Total: 10000exp

Treasures:

- 5 books (1000 exp)

- The Bowel Rope

- Rare spices (900 exp)
- Acid vial

- Ghost Pendant
- Ghost Bomb

Total: 1900 exp

Foes:

-The Witch, Grendigack (1500 exp)

Total: 1500 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler. Cartographer and Paymaster (300 exp/level)
- George the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Issy the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 5 Boo-gilist: 28314 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 4 Specialist: 10591 (Level up at 14000)

- Issy / Likelangelo, Level 3 Specialist: 6180 (Level up at 7000)

- Carter / Gryphon

---- RETIRED! Mentor Perks Unspecified.

- Carter / Carter's Next Character (?), Level 1 ???: 1515 (Level up at ???)

- George / Ghost Snels, Level 1 Denialist Cleric: 1515 (Level up at 2250)

Retrospective 27 - In the Midsts

Thus begins the first episode of the Lockdown era.

Nobody really talks about the then-novel coronavirus any more.
We all experienced it. Kind of shit for everyone. Nobody's experience was particularly unique. High chance that you knew someone who died of it.
A depressing time really, but we endured.

On Keeping the Dream Alive

I am so glad that we kept having D&D sessions throughout the dead times of the lockdowns.
We probably would have reconvened eventually, but the fact that we tried (and succeeded) in keeping the group going is a testament to everyone in the group. Thank you everyone!

To the Moon

On reflection I think the Moon Era was probably the first time I really committed to just letting the group's memes apply directly to the game world. Shrub Nigeria was an autocorrected mispelling of Shub-Niggurath that gained a life of its own largely because Charles insisted that it was true that there was a living anthropomorphic banana who smoke weed erry day on the moon. Why a banana? Why the moon? Why the rastacap when he doesn't have dreads or even hair? These questions are lost to time.

The moon itself was intended as a sort of safe zone where canon wouldn't be affected too much as our minds fell into lockdown madness, influenced by Kitty's stories of the Iceland Madness she experienced as a youth on a trip to that frozen isle. 

Sure there are robots on the moon. Sure there's a chocolate factory. Sure there are horrible moon ant people. But worst comes to worst they can return to Earth without impacting the vague sense of pseudo-reality we've been building up over the past half-decade or so.

On Audience and the Abnegation Thereof

There's the ever-present threat, once you've started playing on video, to make it into a podcast.
After all we're having a great time, why not put it out to the wider world? Surely they'd have as much fun as us?

We had a brief discussion on this topic during a pre-game preamble, and an equally brief "yea nah" from all involved.

There's something to this. On how the players are the audience AND the player, on how this creates an endless "you had to be there", on how describing the events of the game is like describing a dream you had.
Occasionally someone hears about our game at a house party or some other social event and asks whether they can come and watch. This is never allowed, you've got to come play, you know? Be part of the thing. An observer changes what it observes, and that's as true for DnD as it is for photons.

On Treating the Moon as a Real and Present Danger

I have to confess, I love anything that messes with the moon.
If you haven't got a fantasy world with a weird moon/too many moons/not enough moons/a corpse moon, what's the point?

Trouble is, my players now have experience in messing back. POWERLAD turned into a dragon God and chucked an impossibly ancient dragon at the moon. The Red Moon foregrounded as a threat in this current sequence of recaps has (at time of writing) been de-fanged by shooting an additional god up into orbit, and even that has affected the moon by forcing the Red Elves to land their little Martian moon up there and make do behind the blockade.

Why the moon? It might be a deeper philosophical question than I give it credit for. It's up there in the sky, a permanent fixture that everyone everywhere in the world can often see, yet always changing.
If something happened to the Moon we'd all know about it.
Plus it's a real issue for Elf characters. For me it's just kind of a cool thing to be cycling home, look up at the full moon in the night sky, and think "hey cool, the Elves in my game are weak now".

Today I've got a gimmick where the moon rotates over the course of the month, with global effects depending on which face is currently facing the Earth. I though this would be a cool justification for making runes more powerful in certain sessions, but my players have felt VERY perturbed that the moon has started affected the game mechanics. Love it!

On Safe Zones

Something I've been thinking about at time of writing is how the "safe zone" of a city is very important to gameplay.

The platonic ideal of a campaign has a (relatively safe) home town with a (dangerous) adventure locale nearby. Could be a city built on or near a megadungeon. Could be a West Marches setup where the town is at the edge of the unknown wilds. Could be a Darkest Dungeon thing where you upgrade the safe zone before heading out. Could be a Gloomhaven thing where you return back to the main city even if you "die".
Chill place vs danger place. Price list vs action economy. Buy stuff here vs survive stuff there. The core experience.

On the moon, this was of course Shrub Nigeria's nan's granny flat. Get hurt hunting robots and you can retreat to the old-person-smelling embrace of the banana man's nan (who is not a banana).

On Books and Lore

Since playing over the internet is a diminished experience, I tried to make up the difference with sweet sweet lore.
It worked ok I think? That's the whole point of this specific spreadsheet and I absolutely ADORE that a full quarter of the results are now a bevy of in-canon romance novels. 

On the Anomalous Subsurface Environment

Gonzo megadungeon with laser guns and robots? Perfect for the moon!

I've not got much to say about it other than it's good and worked very well when run over the internet. Megadungeons just work. You've got bounded choices, loads of opportunity for shenanigans, and everything becomes that rich soup of intention and consequence we all love.

Five stars, no notes. Send your players into space fantasy today!

On Constrained Possibilities

 Session 264 had me start up a vaguely West Marches thing where the players could choose where they go next! I gave them a full THREE choices! This is great as a DM because you can prep some stuff and your players will go to at least one of those things.

The lesson to learn is that this is true for a "real" game. Prepare some things and your players, because they like you and because they like the game they're in, will choose one of the options set before them or at the very least tell you where and why they want to go elsewhere.
When I was new to all this I assumed that every player would want to look in every part of the game world. Wanting to know every mushroom at the foot of every tree, wanting to gallop off the map on horseback, wanting to know what was in every nook and cranny of every cave.

I used to think that I had to have all the answers, but it's ok to say "I have no idea, let me think for a sec" or even "I have nothing for that! What do you think?" and use your fellow players to massage the world into being.

On Blood in the Chocolate

Not great, not terrible. We're years out from Kiel's big controversy moment so I can say that this module is just ok. Cool to have a chocolate factory that creates real chocolate via a real industrial process, but it doesn't hang together easily. It recontextualises the OG Roald Dahl colonialism and turns it into the horror show it deserves.
It's hard to run over Zoom though. The unrelenting horror of colonial oppression didn't translate particularly well when we were all in our own little disease-ridden universe. Plus I ran it as written and a bunch of oompa-loompas abusing a blueberry person still sucks shit.

Basically, it's ok, but nix the obvious worst bits.

- I still wish I'd run the boss as an "OH HO HO HOOOOOO!" jumping bouncing anime ball of an enemy.

Session 420 - blaze it

 Date: 14th October 1625

Zenith Deity: The Lady
Moon Phase: Full
Moon Face: Pocked Face

New Backstory:

- Likelangelo lost an argument with Manrat because he painted him as a huge rat rather than the true self who is a man! When you fail a save, they pass the same save.

Nieval the Good found a wounded dog and took him home to train as a stunt dog. Beasts don't attack you unless you hurt them first.

Events:

--- The Daemons of Our Worst Selves

- Our heroes awaken upon pews. They look at their skin and see that the black obol-tattoos have become golden and fractal. They shut their eyes and count to ten.
- They leave the hall and hear the jingling of keys towards the dungeon entrance. It is not keys, but coins!

- Manrat's eyes glow golden. Something dreadful has occurred.

They all stagger forth and come upon Gifflewim.
- He states that he has delivered wealth to the natural world, and that Julgoor is dead.

-The richest among us glow golden. The least well off shiver with shadows. The concept of wealth will kill civilizations. Thus he has spoken.

- He tells our party that he will be at every dungeon entrance from now on so long as you call him by his name. If you pay him he'll tell you the best treasure and the worst boss.

- Manrat and Sulfur burn treasures into golden obols that ripple angularly beneath their skin.

-- Check that Checkerboard

- They enter the sunken castle once more. They cross the chessboard swiftly and silently. Likelangelo seizes a crossbow. 

- They swiftly cross the sinking floor in the mushroom-goblin direction, then Sulfur sends a skeleton out to see what happens when the floor descends.
- As they wait, a mushroom-headed goblin declaiming himself Mister Mushgob arrives. They chat.

- There is an elf with a huge sword in this dungeon. There's a witch around here somewhere who cursed the sleeper. She has three familiars. Morning Light Mountain has awakened because someone magically killed everything in a mile radius of a portal to Venus. Many such lore.

- Afterwards they see that the skeleton on the descending floor has revealed that the paintings on the walls have horrific images below, like in the disneyland haunted house ride. Spoopy!
- Mister Mushgob has broken from the immotile Morning Light Mountain by being underground. He's a Hobgoblin of the new era, controlled via updates from the Morning Light Mountain through his mushroom hat, and currently an individual because him and his minions have been underground for long enough to lose connection to the home immotile, whatever that means.

- Did you know that Morning Light Mountain came to Earth on a gold meteorite that swung past the sun before smashing into the planet a few hundred years ago? Few do.
- Several eyes light up.

-- Punched Into Wealth

- Mister Mushgob directs our heroes towards the sword-wielding Elf, who is in his territory but is avoided by the goblins.

- The room in between has a punching bag, a few yoga mats, and not much else beyond some glasses designed for protein shakes.

- Sulfur takes some practice jabs at the punching bag. It hits into something behind!

- Likelangelo feels around and feels an invisible treasure chest. Very cool! He finds the lock and, against the odds, picks the lock.

- Within there is much treasure! Sapphires, a necklace, a mirror that reflects ones' true self!

- Sulfur looks in the mirror and sees an abundance of souls tearing through his body. Cool?

--- Dark Souls

- They find the secret Elf door they were told about.

- There is a note written in the Bibliognost tongue which nobody can read.
- They barge in because they can't read.

- Within there is a monster who has the upper body of a beautiful Elf and the lower body of a slippery (and beautiful for slug fans) slug.

- He demands single combat. George slings me a duel concept.

--- Blow Me Down

- Every combatant attacks, counters, and is blown back by the sword that contains the north wind.

- They fight, fight, swap places and fight again!

- The final blow is from Manrat. In the aftermath he wields the sword aloft and declares his retirement.

- The Elf squishes itself into nothingness and seeps into the floor. He will be back?

- In the meantime our heroes loot the area which is full of books.

--- Readers Digest

- Sulfur reads that the clockwork town of Grendel has that most POWERLAD novels currently going.
- Likelangelo learns that France's greatest invention is the guillotine.
- Manrat discovers that the Rat Hole exists because a great bell tolled thirteen.

-- Mr Mushgob Abides

- They go back to Mr Mushgob and discover that he's got a surprisingly well-stocked kitchen!
- Likelangelo cooks and creates "Gryphon's More-Saka" with lard, cheese, and rat-meat!
- It's alarmingly tasty.

- Over dinner, Manrat declares his retirement.

- There's a room with a magic chest that keeps its insides inside. They feast and ponder.

Total: 8000 exp

Foes:

- The Bibliognost: 1000 exp

Total: 100 exp

Treasure:

- 4 sapphires (800 exp)

- Silver necklace (500 exp)
- Some books (400 exp)

- Silver hand-something? (50 exp)

Total: 1750 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 8 Ratman: 124722 (Level up at 224000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 5 Boo-gilist: 26799 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 4 Specialist: 9076 (Level up at 14000)

- Issy / Likelangelo, Level 3 Specialist: 4665 (Level up at 7000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 419 - Sic Semper Colonis

Date: 30th September 1625

Zenith Deity: The Lady

Moon Phase: First Quarter

Moon Face: Pocked Face

New Backstory:

- Nieval the Good was told an ancient truth by his father on his deathbed - they are of a long lineage of many Nievals the Good. The name and daredevil profession passed down from father to son on the moment of the father's death. +2 Wisdom

Events:

--- Elfpox Blankets

- Manrat sweatily awakens in the bubble-tent to the sound of Nieval the Good regaling Gryphon with his backstory. Manrat has a cough and a deep red rash. What's going on? Is it the tent? Why is he sick? Is this the curse of using Red Elf technology without being an actual Quislist? (Yes)

- There's more castle to clear so they head back into the castle. Hopefully the Quislist priest has a cure.

- Nieval is still weak from last session's shadow-sucking encounter, so they drape his floppy body over Ezekiel (Sulphur's huge zombie minion) and help Manrat in.

- They reach the weighing-scale floor before the temple and Gryphon asks his father's head on his waist what the point of this is. His father says that it's to stop a pile of goblins from invading the chapel. If 20 goblins (or, in fairness, 10 humans) are in the antechamber at the same time it sets off the poison gas trap. Good to know!

--- Standard Coloniser Behaviour

- Nieval and Gryphon cross the weighing room and enter the chapel, not trusting Sulphur's various minions to be lighter than the trap.

- The head priest of Quislism is here! They ask him for a cure to Manrat's rash, and possibly to buy some Red Cream, and are informed that the cream will cure the rash! Or rather, since the Red Cream resurrects the dead, if they kill him and resurrect him he will be free of the rash!
- What is the rash? Why, Noctis Flux! The disease that afflicts non-believers who use the Red Elves' pillows. Believers are unaffected of course, due to religious antibodies or something. The priest and his minions have one dose of Red Cream left, 500 obols, available for today only because it's the end of the month and it will soon lose its curative properties.
- Manrat, hearing this, looks up Noctis Flux in his Martian Bible and finds nothing but bad news.

--- Thus Always to Colonisers

- Manrat marches in, surrounded by his horde of rats, and raises his rash-bearing arms to the priest. The priest begins to proselytise about the foolishness of false belief while Manrat throws his arms forwards and sends his hordes into battle!

- The Cleric stamps his foot and declares that this land is his land! Rats and bullets are deflected from his righteous territorial claim!

- The Cleric's battle-sisters move to defend, but are also beset by rats! They wield longswords and red-stained chain. They attempt to defend the (relatively) devout Nieval before he attempts to stab them (apologetically) in the back!

- Gryphon is quietly pleased about this development. They are after all clearing his castle. He swings his grappling hook to help the rats get into the priests' armour.

- Sulphur arrives with his minions. Skeletons are of course lighter than a whole person, which means it's Fine for the lumbering zombie hulk to follow along too. He sucks down a Last Breath and orders them into battle.

- Sulphur and his gang miss over and over against a nun who is clearly practicing Nun-Fu, so he blows off her leg with a Humorous Amputation Punch! Confetti flies and the nun dies under an onslaught of undead claws and teeth.

- The priest and the surviving nuns, seeing this, decide to withdraw into the ablution chamber with all due haste and bar the door.

--- Body Blow

- The retreat leaves the party the opportunity to plan. They can hear things being piled up against the door. Sulphur grins and hefts the zombie-torn carcass of the battle-nun.
- He chucks the corpse at the door and at the opportune moment detonates it with a Corpse Explosion punch! The door is blown inwards, and before they can recover Gryphon swings in on his grapple-rope and straight into the priest!

- His first blow takes off the priest's head, the second drains the last of his life-force through Gryphon's shadow powers! Turns out eating that shadow was a pretty cool thing to do!

- The sisters hold and attempt a fighting retreat towards the secret exit and Sulphur sees something strange happening to the body of the priests. Souls whirl around it, but these souls are unlike the souls she sees normally.
- Sulphur knocks one of the nuns into one of his skeletons, who rips out her throat and exposes it so he can collect her Last Breath. It's a good day for breath-collecting! If you love a wetty.

- There's one nun left, and Gryphon takes the opportunity to rip out the priest's spine and fling it at the nun. Destroying the body usually stops resurrection nonsense, right?

- The nun shrieks, "you have no idea what you've done!" and bravely fights back against Nieval the betrayer. 

- Sulfur slurps down the wetty Last Breath and tries to command the red priest to stop reviving, but it feels... discordant. His heart rings like a cracked bell. It doesn't work. His body reforms as a flesh bubble thing with the priests' face sliding over the skin.

- Gryphon punts the flesh-blob into the secret room with the stoneshell crabs and hopes for the best. Sulphur brutally murders the remaining nun as she tries to follow.

--- Cockatrice Finisher

- They slam the door and hear panicked crab noises as the priest-blob blossoms. Luckily Nieval's backstory makes him perennially unlucky and the worse thing on the encounter table shows up all at once...
- Luckily for him, they appear in the room with the crabs and blob-priest!

- Our heroes crack the door and witness the stone-billed cockerels descend upon the stoneshells, their eggs, the blob priest. All turns to stone under their deluge. The collapsed entrance is soon blocked by the swelling mass of the stone blob, the crabs who don't escape are soon turned to rock and rubble.
- The cockatrices start to nibble at the rocks as the party quietly closes the door and moves a safe distance away...

--- The Taste of Safety

- With a bunch of dead colonisers on their hands and a relatively clear and safe area, they decide to make the ablution chamber their new basecamp. After all it has an actual toilet!

- They loot the bodies of the dead, retrieving a suit of heavy red armour from the priests and a few suits of red-stained mail from the nuns. Plus the nuns' swords and the priest's cudgel.

- They find loot amongst the Quislists' belongings. A shard of dragon-core which pulses with barely-constrained energies. A magical regenerating canister of squirty plastic cheese. Some specialty switcheroo crossbow bolts. Detailed instructions on how to brew an Invisibility potion.

- Given that they've now got infinite cheese and (for now) a ready supply of rats, they decide to make what is possibly the first reliably repeatable recipe - Gryphon's "Delicious" Moussaka! In the sink! It's Cheese and rats, layered like a lasagne! It's also incredibly tasty somehow. So good that you sleep like a baby!

Total: 7000 exp

Loot:

- 3 Longswords

- A cudgel with a Nonanist symbol on it
- Heavy Armour (Red Elf plate)
- 3x Medium Armour (Red-stained chain)

- Shard of Explosion Dragon Core (100 exp)
- Squirty Can of Plastic Cheese counts as 1 ration but never goes off or runs out

- 2 Switcheroo Bolts swap location of you and target

- Potion Instructions: Invisibility

Total: 100 exp

Foes:

- Quislist Priest (250 exp)

- A few Quislist Battle-Nuns (225 exp)
Total: 475 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler, Cortopgrapher and Paymaster (300 exp/level)
- George the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Chef and Artist (300 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 8 Ratman: 122728 (Level up at 224000)

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 5 Boo-gilist: 24705 (Level up at 36000)

- Carter / Gryphon, Level 4 Fighter: 8805 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 4 Specialist: 7082 (Level up at 14000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 418 - Nieval's Shadow Gets Sucked

Date: 23rd September 1625

Zenith Deity: The Lady

Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent

Moon Face: Pocked Face

New Backstory:

- Gryphon was gravely insulted by foreign diplomats in the century before he was cursed, and he challenged them to a duel immediately! +2 to Strength

- Nieval the Good heard knocking at the window of his war rig, and discovered it was a mutant wastelander come to kill him! Nieval survived, the mutant did not. Once per session, cause the most terrible threat on the encounter table to suddenly appear!

Events:

--- Nieval Gets Drained

- In the annex next to the chapel in the bowels of the castle in the middle of the Drudge Wastes, Manrat is staring at the toilet in horror.

- Alas, it is not your common toilet horror. It's a crawling swarm of shadows emerging from the bowl! Manrat slams the door in fear!

- He staggers out into the chapel, surprising the Quislist Cleric and the three Sisters of his retinue. He backs into his allies - Gryphon who grew up in this castle and Nieval the Good his hired goon.

- The others wish to flee and leave the Shadows to it, but Gryphon insists that these are just shadows so what's the issue? Plus there's meant to be a secret door in there somewhere, right?

- They go in, torches flickering aloft, and discover that in the torchlight the shadows are vulnerable to damage! Manrat shoots one and creates a shadowy hole in its chest.

- Nieval demands they use his explosive javelin and throws it into the bathroom, destroying the toilet and revealing a hidden mechanism behind the sink! It's the trigger for the secret door alright! The shadows get nuclear-shadowed onto the walls, and largely stunned.
- The party moves in, Nieval in front, and...

- An unstunned shadow bites the head of Nieval's shadow clean off! Nieval's strength plummets, leaving him a shell of his former self, barely able to stay upright!

- Manrat send in waves of rats to tie up the Shadows with their little rodent shadows while Nieval back, then under rat-cover, strikes the shadow that stole his strength! The shadow fades, revealing that these were the shadows of previous staff of the castle, and vanishes. Sadly for Nieval, his strength does not return!

- Between the rats and Gryphon's fancy sword, the shadows are defeated! Gryphon captures the last piece of the last shadow between two shards of mirror, which he insists works (it does!) because he wants to use it in a meal.

--- Nieval's Quislist Epiphany

- They head out, and the priest expresses surprise at Nieval's new look. He looks terrible!
- Nieval inquires into the Quislist religion and the priest takes pity, giving a sermon about how all men are weak in comparison to the beautiful and strong and noble Red Elves of Mars. Nieval is converted!
- As a sign of trust, he is entrusted with a Red Elf bubble tent which fits 5, expands out from a central device, and has a sort of frosted glass effect when viewed from the outside.

--- We Got Crabs!

- He returns to the others, newly enlightened, and finds Manrat and Gryphon forcing the mechanism that opens the secret door.

- It opens and reveals a room with a caved-in ceiling through which waste-sludge viscously drips. Stoneshell crabs raise their pincers in warning! The room has a whole lot of crab eggs strewn about in the ankle-high gunge. 

- Gryphon plays a song of peace which relaxes the crabs somewhat, and they allow Manrat close enough to feed one of them a hunk of Gryphon's Flavour Cube which has grown no tastier since it was first cooked. The crab vomits everywhere, and the party scarper!

- They head out into the chapel and briefly chat with the priest and his followers. They know nothing about the sinking floor towards the exit (they just walked in and weren't heavy enough to set it off).

- They also restate that there's an Elf with a magic greatsword around here somewhere. They don't know where it is though.

--- Bubble of Relaxation

- Gryphon suggests heading back out and having a bite to eat. Capital idea!
- It's a sustained drizzle that soaks into skin. Scrubby trees hang with withered fruits, which Manrat warns them away from. Last time he ate some autumn berries it made him so viscerally nostalgic that it took him a day or two to recover.

- Gryphon doesn't care, and assumes that you can probably cook out the nostalgic ingredients. He picks a few. They smell like something from an old memory he can't quite place. He tries some and feels his memories getting cloudy...
- The whole group decides to forage together for safety, and they find 6 skiprats! Long-legged hopping rats whose speed allows them to escape Gas Fronts. Manrat's rat swarms lure them in for the hunting kill.

- Nieval sets up the bubble tent and realises that from the outside things might look a bit suspicious...

- Gryphon cooks for everyone, slapping together a meal he calls Necromancer's Ravioli. He makes the ravioli itself from a Mushroom Goblin Head, filling it with rat meat and shadow-stuff. It is actually really tasty and is so good that tonight they count as sleeping in Splendid conditions!

- The exotic foods grant some strange powers, like Gryphon's shadow-wrought strength draining touch.

- They sleep soundly, safe in the bubble, and consider their plans for the morning.

Total: 5000 exp

Loot:

- Red Elf bubble tent

Foes:

- A bunch of shadows (450 exp)

Total: 450 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Cartographer (200 exp/level)

- George the Expedition Leader and Vanguard (200 exp/level)
- Charles the Paymaster and Chef (200 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 8 Ratman: 120034 (Level up at 224000)

- Carter / Gryphon, Level 3 Fighter: 6011 (Level up at 8000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 3 Specialist: 4188 (Level up at 7000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!