Investigating a strangely living forest on the way to Kink leads to some extreme grudge-making and the discovery (and subsequent clearing) of a proper lair!
Andromeda nearly loses her hammer down the toilet.
Red stands firm.
Barrett tries not to wake the sleeping dragon.
Damnation Snels narrowly avoids yet another infidelity.
DJ sends a starman back to legoland.
Grumpy solos the boss monster.
Andromeda nearly loses her hammer down the toilet.
Red stands firm.
Barrett tries not to wake the sleeping dragon.
Damnation Snels narrowly avoids yet another infidelity.
DJ sends a starman back to legoland.
Grumpy solos the boss monster.
Grumpy's battlecry -
In brightest day, in blackest night,
no sinner shall escape my sight,
from lowest cave to highest height,
Fear my wrath, GRUMPY SMITE!
Session 227 - One Big Mother
Date:
14 years after the End.
14 years after the End.
October
Characters:
- Andromeda, Level 5 Laddite Cleric / Kitty - Privateer Barrett, Level 5 Specialist / Tom - Red, Level 5 Fighter / Timothy - Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, Level 5 Snelsman Cleric / George - Dustin Johnson, Level 5 Intergalacticist Cleric / Charles - Grumpy Ironjaw, Level 3 Grudgesmith Dwarf / Carter
- Andromeda, Level 5 Laddite Cleric / Kitty - Privateer Barrett, Level 5 Specialist / Tom - Red, Level 5 Fighter / Timothy - Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, Level 5 Snelsman Cleric / George - Dustin Johnson, Level 5 Intergalacticist Cleric / Charles - Grumpy Ironjaw, Level 3 Grudgesmith Dwarf / Carter
Character Backstories:
- Grumpy: He knew that staring at the night sky was wrong, counter to his Dwarven nature, but it was just so beautiful. He went out stargazing the next night, and the next... +1 to your roll when you repeat a successful action.
- Grumpy: He knew that staring at the night sky was wrong, counter to his Dwarven nature, but it was just so beautiful. He went out stargazing the next night, and the next... +1 to your roll when you repeat a successful action.
- Barrett: He knew something was up on that night out, but nobody would tell him what was wrong. His trousers had ripped and everyone could see his cavernous butt - they didn’t want to tellhim and embarrass him! Whenever you roll the worst possible failure on a roll, other PCs heal 1HP.
Salvage:
- Stoneshell Crab shell aka one large rock
Total: 0 exp
- Stoneshell Crab shell aka one large rock
Total: 0 exp
Murder:
- The Birth-Mother (500 exp) - 4 Hippo-centaurs (400 exp)- The Starman (50 exp)
- 3 strange gnomes (150 exp)
- 3 poop monsters (150 exp) - 3 nude people (30 exp) Total: 1280 exp
Overland Exploration:
- The Birth-Mother (500 exp) - 4 Hippo-centaurs (400 exp)- The Starman (50 exp)
- 3 strange gnomes (150 exp)
- 3 poop monsters (150 exp) - 3 nude people (30 exp) Total: 1280 exp
Overland Exploration:
- Explored 1 hex (50 exp)
- Found Shielded Campsite (100 exp)
Total: 150 exp
- Found Shielded Campsite (100 exp)
Total: 150 exp
Dungeon Exploration:
- First party to enter the Ruinous Palace (300 exp)
- Explored 3 dungeon areas (60 exp)
- Lair Cleared! (500 exp)
Total: 860 exp
- First party to enter the Ruinous Palace (300 exp)
- Explored 3 dungeon areas (60 exp)
- Lair Cleared! (500 exp)
Total: 860 exp
Events:
--- Pre-Expedition: Chef Grumpy
- Having recovered from September’s visit to the crashed Seraphim, the party discuss next steps. Grumpy’s up for clearing out the angel to use it as a base, but others are dead set on the idea of finding the valuable grain silo in Kink, outside the shell.
- Grumpy acquiesces to Expedition Leader Andromeda - they’ll go to Kink! He prepares by helping Japhet & Hirsch throw a couple of dinner parties, increasing his skill with several tasty bean-based dishes. The mention of beans on toast sends several players salivating.
- Grumpy acquiesces to Expedition Leader Andromeda - they’ll go to Kink! He prepares by helping Japhet & Hirsch throw a couple of dinner parties, increasing his skill with several tasty bean-based dishes. The mention of beans on toast sends several players salivating.
- One of the ingredients - long potato - is treated with suspicion. Snels insists that it’s made of people, but it’s more like a broccoli heart. How odd.
- Barrett has been busy for weeks creating a sort of wind and horse-powered battle wagon. They’ll have a ride! He also pours money into a shrine to Vorn - renamed Grym on company stationery - to give them strength in the days ahead.
--- Expedition Day 1: The Bridge
- By the time they leave New Moondin the weather has turned clear - a rarity in Autumn! The sky is clear and the wind is light and breezy. A perfect day for travelling!
- By the time they leave New Moondin the weather has turned clear - a rarity in Autumn! The sky is clear and the wind is light and breezy. A perfect day for travelling!
- They decide to follow the old Underall Road down through the hills and link up with the old Highway that leads a few miles away to Kink.
- The day starts easily enough, rolling along the dirt track that follows the river downstream from New Moondin. The road is poorly maintained, but serviceable. Without trees to break up the earth or grass to overgrow the trail, it’s easy to find the way over the cracked ground.
- After a couple of hours they come to a fork in the river - the New Moondin watercourse joins a stronger stream flowing north - and a bridge where the road crosses the deep gorge. The original bridge is crumbling, but some kind souls have set up a long swaying rope bridge parallel to it for walkers to traverse.
- This is all bad news for the wagon, obviously. On closer inspection it looks like the original bridge might be traversable, but there’s a big gap that would prevent vehicles from getting across.
- While DJ crosses the rope bridge (and takes ages, he’s so scared!), others get into position to save the wagon if it falls. When preparations are nearly complete they turn to see Barrett barrelling at breakneck speed along the bridge! The wagon reaches the jump and the sails billow as they catch some updraft, ramping the wagon like the bus in Speed!
- The day starts easily enough, rolling along the dirt track that follows the river downstream from New Moondin. The road is poorly maintained, but serviceable. Without trees to break up the earth or grass to overgrow the trail, it’s easy to find the way over the cracked ground.
- After a couple of hours they come to a fork in the river - the New Moondin watercourse joins a stronger stream flowing north - and a bridge where the road crosses the deep gorge. The original bridge is crumbling, but some kind souls have set up a long swaying rope bridge parallel to it for walkers to traverse.
- This is all bad news for the wagon, obviously. On closer inspection it looks like the original bridge might be traversable, but there’s a big gap that would prevent vehicles from getting across.
- While DJ crosses the rope bridge (and takes ages, he’s so scared!), others get into position to save the wagon if it falls. When preparations are nearly complete they turn to see Barrett barrelling at breakneck speed along the bridge! The wagon reaches the jump and the sails billow as they catch some updraft, ramping the wagon like the bus in Speed!
- Barrett does a cool backlit pose while others stare in shock and cheer as the camera shakes around. DJ finally crosses the bridge and realises that he could have just abducted the wagon. Oops!
- They roll onwards through the clear day, feeling the static-cling feeling of the Storm Shell as they pass through it and out into the dangerous world outside. The clear weather holds, and they meet the Highway where it passes through a gap in the rolling hills.
- The soft grumbling of the wheels of the wagon turns to a rumble as the dirt road gives way to the Highway’s paving stones. They pass by a shucked Stoneshell Crab shell - those strange creatures live out this way too - and grab it in case it’s useful.
- They make good time, but as the spire of Kink’s church comes into view they see a strange anomaly on the right of the road - a living forest of tall trees! That’s meant to be impossible - the Gas destroys all life it touches.
- They park up and investigate in the dimming light of the early evening. Barrett gestures at the skeleton horse - it says “beebeep!” and flashes its indicators a couple of times.
--- The Living Forest
- Tall conifers rise into a canopy where birds and squirrels chirp and sing. Thin mist drifts between the tall trunks. There is a deep sense of melancholy and sadness. DJ huffs some of the mist and is struck with a powerful yearning for things once cherished but forgotten, childhood friends and abandoned dreams.
- The soft grumbling of the wheels of the wagon turns to a rumble as the dirt road gives way to the Highway’s paving stones. They pass by a shucked Stoneshell Crab shell - those strange creatures live out this way too - and grab it in case it’s useful.
- They make good time, but as the spire of Kink’s church comes into view they see a strange anomaly on the right of the road - a living forest of tall trees! That’s meant to be impossible - the Gas destroys all life it touches.
- They park up and investigate in the dimming light of the early evening. Barrett gestures at the skeleton horse - it says “beebeep!” and flashes its indicators a couple of times.
--- The Living Forest
- Tall conifers rise into a canopy where birds and squirrels chirp and sing. Thin mist drifts between the tall trunks. There is a deep sense of melancholy and sadness. DJ huffs some of the mist and is struck with a powerful yearning for things once cherished but forgotten, childhood friends and abandoned dreams.
- Barrett hotboxes his breather helm to confirm that this is indeed no illusion. The forest and all the small beasts are real. They lash themselves together with ropes in case of misty trickery.
- There is a sound like crying, a directionless weeping, and over it all a deep manly voice singing a dirge in an ancient tongue. Ancient to all but Grumpy, who recognises it as the language of Ur-Kalladh - the language of his people.
- They trudge through the mists towards it and find a Dwarf chained to an old oak tree. He has been chained here so long that the tree has grown around the chains and even the Dwarf himself - he is all bones and scraps of flesh, praying for a death that refuses to take him.
- When Grumpy asks him what happened, the Dwarf - who names himself Spritely - says his mother did this and begs for death. He hates being here under the open sky.
- Dusk falls as they talk, and Andromeda piles some wood to make a fire as mists roll in. The fire is hard to start with moist green wood, and she lights her lantern to help her see what she’s doing. It’s then she sees the man walking out of the mists - stark naked and weeping - asking to be returned to his mother.
- She steps back as he approaches. Two very pregnant women follow behind him, moaning about motherhood also. The man reaches a hand towards Andromeda and she sees he’s had knife blades hammered into his nail beds.
- Snels doesn’t see this and steps forward to speak to him, but gets attacked by the nude man! The nail-knives scratch against Snels’ armour to no avail.
--- Fight in the Forest!
- It’s violence, then! Andromeda lances the man with her beam rifle as Snels stumles backwards, carving out a neat hole in the man’s chest. It does not bleed, and through the hole it looks like his insides are stone.
- The pregnant women go for Snels, do they smell his infidelities? One of them clambers on top of him - he’s powerless to resist. His hands go to her hips as she caresses his chest, her face morphing between different women. His wife, the Snelsman woman… his mother.
- Grumpy’s feeling extra fucking grumpy today. He tells the naked man - “The harlot that spawned you has sinned against all Dwarves!” and forms a Grudge against the Mother, wherever she may be. And in an instant, he knows! His Grudge-Sense leads him deeper into the forest, trudging off over the soft leaf litter.
- Andromeda tries to pull the woman off Snels with her whip but gets dragged in instead! She resists the other woman’s wiles despite her pansexuality. Nearby, Barrett bisects the man with a single powerful blow!
- The pregnant women go for Snels, do they smell his infidelities? One of them clambers on top of him - he’s powerless to resist. His hands go to her hips as she caresses his chest, her face morphing between different women. His wife, the Snelsman woman… his mother.
- Grumpy’s feeling extra fucking grumpy today. He tells the naked man - “The harlot that spawned you has sinned against all Dwarves!” and forms a Grudge against the Mother, wherever she may be. And in an instant, he knows! His Grudge-Sense leads him deeper into the forest, trudging off over the soft leaf litter.
- Andromeda tries to pull the woman off Snels with her whip but gets dragged in instead! She resists the other woman’s wiles despite her pansexuality. Nearby, Barrett bisects the man with a single powerful blow!
- Snels snaps out of it and kicks the woman off him… into the path of Andromeda’s hammer! She gets her right in the spine, shattering the bone. She screams in pain and keels over, dead.
- Andromeda’s hammer keeps swinging! She smashes the other woman straight in the chest, knocking her backwards onto Red’s blade! The rapier goes into her womb from behind, the blade poking out bloodlessly from her pregnant belly, as the woman collapses.
--- A Ruinous Palace
- Grumpy missed that last half of the fight, vengeance in his heart. He comes face to face with a man in roman armour and chops him down in a single blow, netting the man’s gladius before striding onwards.
- He feels the rope around his waist go taut, then become slack again as the others lashed behind him follow on. They’ll loot the guy.
- He reaches the ruins of a castle, collapsed in on itself but somehow still standing. A cleft in the wall is a way in, and there is a huge sleeping dragon curled around the whole thing - possibly stone.
- He walks into the palace and sees a bunch of stuff in a huge ruined hall. An amphora glows softly to his right. A pit smells like shit on his left. Deeper into the hall, lit by candles, three strange men play some sort of game on a stone table. None of them are his target though, so he stomps straight for the stairs.
- The card-players see him stroll through and say “hey who the fuck are you!?”. Their game is thrown into disarray! One of them casts a really shit version of Flesh to Stone that turns one of Grumpy’s fingers into rock. The others throw stuff to no avail.
--- Fight in the Hall!
- The rest of the party piles in through the entrance! The glowing amphora near the door starts glowing brighter and pulsing. Barrett lifts it over his head to loft it outside, and the wine inside pours all over his head! Worse, the being within strikes at him! DJ babbles words of worship - it’s a starman!
- The rest of the party piles in through the entrance! The glowing amphora near the door starts glowing brighter and pulsing. Barrett lifts it over his head to loft it outside, and the wine inside pours all over his head! Worse, the being within strikes at him! DJ babbles words of worship - it’s a starman!
- He’s raked with its microwave claws, sunburning the edges of the clawstrikes, and he falls back! DJ shouts “fuck off back to legoland!” and casts Abduct, sucking the being out of the entrance and into the sky!
- Barrett follows it out, casually takes out his sword, and positions it juuuuust right underneath the Starman. When it falls it’ll fall straight on that sword! The dragon doesn’t stir, thankfully, even when the Starman blinds him with a ball of light.
- Red and Snels pelt in towards the card table. Red leaps atop it, taking her duelling stance, while Snels beefs it and trips over the edge of the table, taking a slingstone straight to the helmet for his trouble. Cards, dice, meeples and nubbins go flying! They start fighting off the gnomes while Grumpy casually heads for the stairs towards his Grudge target.
- Andromeda peers down into the stinking pit and sees a whole load of effluent. It really is a shit pit. There are weird wiggly monsters floating up from the bottom of the pit, so she calls forth a Storm Shell to stop them!
- One of the monsters explodes on contact, the other two get through! One of them spirals out a protein-strand and flickers it over Andromeda’s stomach, making her let go off her hammer and send it falling into the shit pit!!
- Andromeda’s backstory triggers - pass the next save when you lose an item! Her bowels loosen but she does not shit herself to death! She heals herself and walks backwards through the Storm Shell, destroying the one lashed to her. DJ kills the other! Nice!
- Snels, on the table, manages to curve a single pistol bullet Wanted-style through the gnomes! Red finishes them off, despite gaining a temporary stone toe.
- Barrett staggers back in, following the waist-rope, and finds a safe place to sit down until the light-screen fades from his eyes. The others continue down the stairs, following the target-focused Grumpy.
--- Fight in the Trophy Room!
- Grumpy creeps down the stairs, away from the main fight, following his Grudge-Sense. The mother is close enough to pinpoint now, and in the soft-lit darkness his monochrome Dwarf vision sees a grotesquely plump woman crooning over an idol before an altar in a tapestry-lined room. She constantly births pottery shards which shatter on the stone floor.
- Leaving nothing to chance, Grumpy sprints silently towards his foe. The glyph on his glaive - a combo of Make-Water and Make-Lightning - leaves a trail of water and fizzing electricity and STABS straight into her back!
- One of the monsters explodes on contact, the other two get through! One of them spirals out a protein-strand and flickers it over Andromeda’s stomach, making her let go off her hammer and send it falling into the shit pit!!
- Andromeda’s backstory triggers - pass the next save when you lose an item! Her bowels loosen but she does not shit herself to death! She heals herself and walks backwards through the Storm Shell, destroying the one lashed to her. DJ kills the other! Nice!
- Snels, on the table, manages to curve a single pistol bullet Wanted-style through the gnomes! Red finishes them off, despite gaining a temporary stone toe.
- Barrett staggers back in, following the waist-rope, and finds a safe place to sit down until the light-screen fades from his eyes. The others continue down the stairs, following the target-focused Grumpy.
--- Fight in the Trophy Room!
- Grumpy creeps down the stairs, away from the main fight, following his Grudge-Sense. The mother is close enough to pinpoint now, and in the soft-lit darkness his monochrome Dwarf vision sees a grotesquely plump woman crooning over an idol before an altar in a tapestry-lined room. She constantly births pottery shards which shatter on the stone floor.
- Leaving nothing to chance, Grumpy sprints silently towards his foe. The glyph on his glaive - a combo of Make-Water and Make-Lightning - leaves a trail of water and fizzing electricity and STABS straight into her back!
- She falls, stunned, against the altar. The golden idol bounces onto the floor as she turns and through jabbering electrocuted lips asks him to be her child. From nearby there is a rumbling sound, as of many pounding feet.
- Snakes emerge from under her hair and glare menacingly at Grumpy! He looks away, giving the snakes the barest glance, and he feels a very strange feeling in his trousers as a very important part of him turns to stone.
- Angrily, he slashes out with the glaive! He slices her right across her eyes, blinding her, and she howls in pain! The snakes continue glaring but he resists their allure.
- Just then the rest of the party charges in down the stairs! They take position at the other door and see centaur-like creature - women’s torsos on hippopotamus bodies - charging in! Strangely, they have the same faces as the party.
- DJ throws some oil and Red gets ready to receive the charge and… they turn to stone just before impact! There is a death-shriek, and they turn to see Grumpy standing before the bisected Mother, glaive dripping, as the two halves turn to stone.
--- Stony Escape
- Grumpy picks up the golden idol and sees the last of its golden lustre fading, turning into a rough pummice. The light fades, the tapestries return to stone, and the entire edifice rumbles and creaks. Time to get out of here!
- They flee through the groaning castle, seeing everything turning to stone as they go. Andromeda manages to snag her hammer from the shit pit with her whip before that all turns to stone too.
- Outside they see a wave of petrification as the trees, the ground, and even the mist itself is frozen in stone. The Starman has shattered, fallen onto the sword Barrett set up before the mists froze, although his sword is now buried point-up in the rock.
- They flee through the groaning castle, seeing everything turning to stone as they go. Andromeda manages to snag her hammer from the shit pit with her whip before that all turns to stone too.
- Outside they see a wave of petrification as the trees, the ground, and even the mist itself is frozen in stone. The Starman has shattered, fallen onto the sword Barrett set up before the mists froze, although his sword is now buried point-up in the rock.
- It’s strangely easy to get back to the wagon now, a mere hour or so walking through the dark over uneven mist-shaped stone. They may have lost all the loot, but the cleared lair can be used as a Shielded Campsite, or even as safe zone for a new settlement!
Total: 2700 exp
Team Bonus:
- Absolutely Disgusting bonus
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Child murderer bonus
- Classic Charles bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- High as Fuck bonus
- Leave a Man Behind bonus
- Long Deliberation bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Masterchef bonus
- Noblebright bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Rumour Investigator bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- SpoOoOoky bonus
Total: 950 exp
- Absolutely Disgusting bonus
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Child murderer bonus
- Classic Charles bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- High as Fuck bonus
- Leave a Man Behind bonus
- Long Deliberation bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Masterchef bonus
- Noblebright bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Rumour Investigator bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- SpoOoOoky bonus
Total: 950 exp
Individual Bonus:
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Tom / Barrett - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (Tom / Barrett - 100 exp)
- Triage (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / Snels - 100 exp) - Philanthropy: 1200ob (Barrett - 960 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Tom, Timothy, Carter, Charles - 100 exp ea.)
- Artapalooza bonus (Carter, Charles, Tom - 100 exp)
- Fiction Fanatic bonus (Carter - 100 exp)
- Chippo Champion bonus (Tom*2 - 100 exp ea.)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Kitty, Charles, Timothy - 500 exp ea.)
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Tom / Barrett - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (Tom / Barrett - 100 exp)
- Triage (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / Snels - 100 exp) - Philanthropy: 1200ob (Barrett - 960 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Tom, Timothy, Carter, Charles - 100 exp ea.)
- Artapalooza bonus (Carter, Charles, Tom - 100 exp)
- Fiction Fanatic bonus (Carter - 100 exp)
- Chippo Champion bonus (Tom*2 - 100 exp ea.)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Kitty, Charles, Timothy - 500 exp ea.)
Exp Totals:
- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 5 Laddite Cleric: 26319 (Level up at 28000)
- Tom / Privateer Barrett, Level 5 Specialist: 22642 (Level up at 24000)
- Timothy / Red, Level 5 Fighter: 22219 (Level up at 32000)
- George / Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, Level 5 Snelsman Cleric: 21019 (Level up at 28000)
- Charles / Dustin Johnson, Level 5 Intergalacticist Cleric: 17574 (Level up at 28000)
- Carter / Granite "Grumpy" Ironjaw, Level 3 Grudgesmith Dwarf: 7276 (Level up at 8800)
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