Session 305 - Turbo Fish and the Nouveau Riche

Date: July 25, 14 p.p.

Moon: First Quarter
Zenith: The Allfather

Events:

--- We Gotta Get the Stuff
- After last week's escape from the anus of the Piggy Bank, our heroes stumble into the wider city of Salivasburger smelling like rotten milk and old urine. Behind them, meaty guards converge on the bank's snout.
- There's some light admin in the black market. Rank smells and noxious fluids are actually very normal in a city made of meat. Potions are obtained for a pretty sum of sausages, along with various other bits and pieces.

- The problem faced is this - There's a lot of loot in Celebus' undead worm underneath the Piggy Bank, and the Bank is now locked down. The plan, then, is to head back to the nostril base-camp out in the Meatlands, follow the tunnel the worm chewed through the flesh under the Meat, and reclaim all that good good treasure!

--- Red Herrings
- They set off into the wastes, bereft for once of any means of conveyance other than their own feet.
- After an hour or so they see some strange tracks. Fish silhouettes imprinted in the ground, as though with a paint roller.
- Swan declares that this is a "red herring" but it's too intriguing for the others, so they follow the tracks to see where they lead!

- The tracks lead to an area with several blood pools over"look"ed by a giant eye bluff. The cause of the tracks are obvious - huge red fish rolling ouroboros-style around one of these pools of blood! They occasionally dive in, unlatching, and dive out of the pool!

- A massive pore opens in the skin of the ground and the fish roll down it. The party goes "huh interesting" and begins to walk away. But another pore opens up in their midst and the fish come rolling out at breakneck speed!

- Celebus tries to stuff his sausage-man down the pore-hole and set it alight, which works well in making the fish go on fire and sizzle deliciously. The fish do lots of damage when they first hit, but then their subsequent flopping bites aren't so bad.
- Celebus gets slashed and bitten until he passes out and it looks dire, but then Iskander unsheathes his blade and goes on a rampage! Cleaving each and every fish via multiple crits and incredible swordwork, he rapidly slices every fish into sizzling sashimi!

--- A Singularly Terrible Meal

- Celebus, as is traditional, got a bit battered by the fish. He's bleeding and in pain, and needs something to eat to get himself back in action.
- And thus is born the single worst dish ever cooked up in the history of the Cooking Minigame. "Iskander's Charcuterie", made up of fresh fish,old leathery leech-skin, and some thin slices of Iberico ham. It's barely edible.
- Celebus scarfs down handfuls of the stuff regardless, making a "oh this is good, actually" face to everyone, while Amanta being a giant mantis doesn't really mind it.

--- Return to the Loot
- They finally reach the Nostril, seeing snot raining down on their quiescent giant meat mechs. The hole back to the Piggy Bank is mostly healed over, and Celebus' original plan to crawl the whole way back suddenly seems a bit silly considering that it's a mile or so of claustrophobic meat tunnel between here and there.
- Thankfully there's whole roll of wormskin left, so he can fashion a new worm! A bit of stitching here, an occult ritual to raise it to life there, and they have a second Undead Worm!

- Celebus goes alone, chewing along the tunnel back towards Worm One. He does notice that his worm goes through a few thorny thickets of vegetation growing through the tunnel which is... interesting. Very out of character for the Meatlands.
- He eventually reaches the original Undead Worm and claims the loot! He leaves the other worm concreted up like a "Eurotunnel discarded digger" and absconds back with the rich pickings claimed from the big pig.

--- Back to Guido
- Everything finally in order, they go back to see Guido in Salivasburger.
- Amanta and Iskander go to see Guido, who is very pleased with their progress! Ruining the Meat Mech Hangar means that the Meat Mechs have withdrawn to protect it, allowing Guido's army a straight shot to the Meat Lord's T-Bone Fortress. Locking down the Piggy Bank has led to riots since people can't access their clean meat savings, tying up the Meat Lord's security forces.
- The party ponders whether they'd want to attack the Meatworks where the Carnomancers create strong meat warriors, or find the Kaldane Gardens where the Meat Lord grows vegetables to stave of scurvy.
- Just then, Swan the Swift swaggers in with Celebus and Tyler Lockheart. He's got a plan! He slams his new business venture down on the table - the WHEATLANDS(tm).
- The plan is to use the insane amount of "manure" produced by the Meatlands to grow crops!
- A new, completely curveball plan is made. The party will seek audience with the Meat Lord via the letters of introduction they bear, looted from the pig's caecum. Inside they will approach the Meat Lord and present their ultimate scheme - a blockchain-enabled tech startup called WHEATLANDS that just needs some investment to get going!

--- Carousing
- Everyone's in for this ridiculous scheme, naturally! To celebrate their victory, and bring luck to their future endeavours, Amanta and Tyler go out on the hopefully-not-actual piss.
- They have a massive sesh, and when Amanta wakes up in the morning she discovers that she's got a new tattoo... or several tattoos. It's each of her former male mantis lovers, crossed out one by one in the order in which she ate them. How.. sweet??

- Next time - Dungeons & Dragon's Den!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:
- Much loot previously looted, finally in your grubby little mitts.

Foes Defeated:
- A small school of Red Herrings (250 exp)

Total: 250 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler & Chef: Charles
- Expedition leader & Paymaster: Kitty
- Cartographer & Vanguard: George
- Quartermaster & Triage: Ollie
100 exp per role

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 46648 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 36273 (Level up at 72000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 33431 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 29344 (Level up at 32000)

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 5 Specialist: 12629 (Level up at 24000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 304 - A Piss-Up in a Caecum

Date: July 16, 14 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
- Amanta let a hive of underground insects burn to make food for her fellow mantises. +2 Fire Damage
- Tez once pissed off his entire hometown and had to flee. Someone you don't know here is an estranged friend, "Wait, JOHN?!". Use any time, one use, up to you whether you're been forgiven by now.

Events:

--- Teeth and More Teeth
- There is still a fair amount of pig digestive system to explore, surely with lots more loot, so the party stash their current haul in the digging worm down in the lower lung.
- The now-dead managers' office is tantalisingly close, so they creep across the accounting hall to check it out. Unfortunately, once more, there are guards!
- These guys are armoured in horrible teeth can stick to walls with the big suckers on their hands, and they've got one of those anglerfish dogs with them which also has teeth. It's a lot of teeth.
- Thankfully they don't put up too much of a fight. Tez claims the dog, crushing its head with her warhammer after Iskander chops off its wiggly glowing anglerfish antenna. Swan rips a guard off the wall and throws him at another guard. Amanta stabs into the exposed dermis of a tooth-guard after Iskander chips its teeth off with the dog's severed head. It's pretty metal.
- Celebus arrives just in time to claim the Last Breath of the last guard. Necromancy is a go!
- After the battle they go into the office at last. Inside it's quiet and there's not much particularly crazy for a shit manager to have. Some vodka in a lower drawer, some fairly distasteful pornography, some HR folders that he "lost". A newspaper clipping exposé reveals that the Meat Factory has the same layout as a chocolate factory on the moon, due to budget cuts.

--- Sausage Holes
- They proceed to the bowel. There is a camera-eye on the way, but Iskander cut those suckers off the guards' hands and now uses one to cover the camera entirely. Blinded!
- They slide through the door made of meat and bone and enter a large chamber burrowed out of the small intestine with meat shelves containing a multitude of pigeonholes, all filled with sausages. There are even notes to say who owns what sausage.
- A man appears. A creepy back-office type man. He offers a tour!
- The team gratefully take him up on his offer, up until he springs a trap! "Get 'em boys!" he yells, and meat-guards with some sort of black tar dripping from their grotesquely long nails leap out in ambush!

--- Poison Pins
- Celebus incants a dark spell... and hundreds of sausages shlorp out of their holes and form a big sausage golem!
- Swan grabs the hands of two guards and stabs each of them with the other. Black veins start pulsing from the wounds. Definitely poison!

- The guard follows up and manages to scratch Swan, inflicting him with the same poison. Nearby, Tez misses a hammer-blow and gets scratched for his trouble. They double over in pain as the poison pumps through their bodies.

- It looks dire... until a tall man who has like 8 extra brains extruding from his body, and even two on the backs of his hands, looms from behind a shelf and shouts loudly that the fighting must stop! He declares that the party must die of poison or get out, and offers an antidote to enable the second option.
- Also he says his name is Gregory Galaxy-Brain.
- Celebus manages to half-convince him that they are in fact a maintenance crew, and so Gregory gives them the antidote and tells them to get moving.
- He also informs them of a terrible fact - the whole bank is about to start filling up with "piss-milk" due to the security breach.

--- Magical Realm
- There is a moment of deliberation as the "maintenance crew" debates which way to go. Back to the certainty of escaping with their already established loot? Or a quick run deeper into the pig's guts?
- Of course, it's the uncertain doom option.
- They scurry on, a very wet gong banging the alarm from somewhere, and find a junction near the connection between small and large intestines. One way, the caecum. The other, the bladder.
- Of course, it's the piss option.
- They bust into the bladder and see a very obvious wizard in a yellow hat with yellow robes and a red nose pissing into the pool of the bladder. In his hand he holds a strange sausage-like object.
- The team blast into action and try to kill the Whizzard before he can engage the nasty liquid! 
- Of course, the object in his hand was a deadman's switch. Huge nipples emerge from the ceiling and begin squirting white milk with streaks of red into the bladder pool. The  team runs!
- Of course this happens when we've got a fairly new player...

--- Caecum Ye Shall Find

- Celebus casts a spell to make the intestinal walls contract, holding back the tide, as Iskander carries him away! The cackles of the piss-wizard fade into gurgles behind!
- They see the caecum trap-orifice on the ceiling of the intestine ahead and scramble up it, pursued by a tidal wave! They get in just in time!
- The trapdoor dilates shut, holding back the awful substance below. They catch their breath and look around.
- 20 lockboxes! With 20 keys dangling by ligaments next to them! That's four chests each, and the pissmilk is almost forgotten as they work the locks and discover such wonders! Magic items, letters of audience with the Meat Lord, sausages, hams, treasure of all shapes and sizes!
- There is, though, the question of how to escape through the pissmilk.

--- Rearguard Action
- Given the recent acquisition of a few necklaces that, when swallowed, shlorp the swallower into the necklace, they decide on quite a clever option.
- Tez, Amanta and Iskander swallow the necklaces and are swiftly sucked inside-out inside them.
- Celebus and Swan, using the power of Celebus' Eject Skeleton spell, eject their skeletons from their bodies.
- They pile the loot into their recently vacated skinbag bodies, shoving aside various organs, and drop down the trapdoor wearing the necklaces around their necks.
- They march along the floor of the large intestine through the pissmilk, not needing to breathe, and eventually reach the anus. It dilates open at Celebus' touch... and the party in various magically induced states of not-needing-to-breathe falls out onto the meaty streets in a deluge of nasty liquid.
- Still smelling of rotten milk and old urine, they make their way to the black market and fence their goods. They're rich!
Total: 7000 exp

Rumours:

- There's a massive dungeon inside the mouth of Dr Gulp Esq. It's 50 sausages to enter a team, and few survive.
- If you're stupid enough to want to meet the leader of the rebel Necromancers, hang around the Old Dock until someone comes sniffing around after you.
- They say the Meatworks have got the same layout of a chocolate factory from the moon, due to budget cuts.
- My friend just left north saying that a vast raccoon god will grant you entrance to the Dharga.
- Have you ever seen a giant lady mantis eat a slut bun? She was after my fucking head!
- You heard of these obols they use as money in a place far away? Demon nonsense I say, but Julgoor over in the Old Market will turn your sausages into tattoos for you if you want to waste them.

Treasure:

- 400 sausages (400 exp)

- 5 Iberico Ham legs (5000sp)

- 3 Dragon Core Shards (3000 exp)

- Three letters inviting the bearer to an audience with the Meat Lord

- A fancy meat slicer (400 exp)

- Hormone Potion grants 18 Str and Con for an hour

- Three Metameat Necklaces which, when swallowed, shlorp the swallower into the necklace from which they can reform at will.

Total: 8800 exp

Defeated Foes:
- Jumping guards (100 exp)
- An anglerfish-dog (75 exp)
- The Whizzard (1 exp)
Total: 176 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 45008 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 34633 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 31791 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 27704 (Level up at 32000)

- Ailsa / Tez, Level 3 Barbarian: 5196 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +Saves! +Backstory! +Barbarian Table!

Session 303 - Let's Get to Work Drinks

Date: July 16, 14 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
- Tyler Lockheart lost an argument with Swan the Swift over a choice he'd made. When you fail a Save, they automatically pass the same Save.
- Tyler Lockheart's father was an angry drunk, and he got good at dodging bottles. +1 Dexterity

Events:

--- Split to the Party
- Team Work Drinks, being Celebus and Swan the Swift, have been dragged to after work drinks by the staff of the bank. Swan is still massively fucked off about his treatment by HR, and stands seething in the corner.
- To prevent anyone talking to him, Celebus tells the assembled circle of drinkers that Swanny has the most tiresome job possible - Operational Risk. Swanny is ignored for the rest of the night.
- Celebus gets to work making idle chatter about the layout of the bank, since he's a new intern and all. Through the power of weaponised dramatic irony, this is all useful information for the second team...

--- Night Guards
- Inside the bank the Specialists of Team Heist, being Amanta and Tyler, have managed to remain inconspicuous as the staff all filed out. Now there's just the eyeball cameras and the night guards to deal with.
- Also, for those listening at home, the bank is an enormous pig and they're running around in its innards.
- At the work party Celebus is being told about the high-security safes are protected under acid, and the controls are in the guard room in the brain, and how the security protocols are a complete nightmare whenever someone actually wants to get their stuff out. Celebus, on his third pint, nods sagely.
- Amanta scurries across the floor of the bank's main hall, towards the brain. She slips past a guard without a sound, jimmies the lock on the door, and slides inside before the eye-camera comes back online. She sees a brief glimpse of a cat-like reflective coating on the thing as it turns back on - clearly night vision.
- She looks into the brain room itself, her big mantis bug-eyes peeking around the side of the door. There are guards playing cards... and at least one of those weird dogs with anglerfish heads sniffing around.

--- HR Approaches
- Back in the pub, Swan sees the HR lady that fired him and was so very fucking rude doing it.
- He sees her heading to the toilet, and follows with his massive axe.

- Celebus sees him leave and takes attention with a shit anecdote. It's easy to pull attention away from the Operational Risk guy apparently.

--- You've Got Buns Hun
- Amanta, in a cunning ruse, decides to pretend she's Olga the Cleaning Lady and offer the remaining guards in the guard room her remaining Slut Buns. These were obtained directly from a Lust Demon and very potent.
- Unfortunately for the ruse, she is a giant fucking mantis woman. The guards scream, the fish-dog screams, everyone screams. She tries to lob her buns into everyone's mouths and fails, accidentally falling onto the tray and devouring them all... except for one that is snarfed up by the fish-dog.
- It is suddenly realised that there is one big thing that everyone knows about mantis mating... they devour the male. This horny mantis is hungry for heads! In a state of lust-rage Amanta runs at the guards and they flee!

- Tyler picks this exact moment to sneak into the guard room and towards the bank of clearly labelled switches that lower the acid in the safe room. He chooses number one... and finds that only one can be used at a time. He sneaks back out before the enraged Amanta sees him, pursued by an amorous fish-hound.

--- Laughing Powder
- At the pub, Celebus sees the tentacle-handed supervisor who was dealing with the sausage sorting office. His name is Greg Hands, apparently.
- Celebus offers him a bump of coke, which Greg gratefully and surreptitiously accepts.
- Joke's on him! It's laughing powder! Greg bursts out laughing... and will continue for a good week or so.
- While he's distracted, Celebus nicks his keys. Now they can get back into the pub!

--- The Eyes Have It
- Tyler sneaks back, having managed to lose the fish-dog on the way. He drops into the drained acid pit and, against the odds, manages to ace the lock on the safe! Inside he finds a delicious, and very valuable, leg of cured iberico ham. Clean meat! They're rich!
- Back in the brain, Amanta has calmed down. She operates the next switch, draining the next acid pit down in the gallbladder.
- To my bafflement, Tyler once again easily opens the safe! Inside are various interesting bits and pieces which he scoops out before jumping out of the acid pit again.
- Suddenly another door bursts open! It's the guards who fled earlier, and they've brought another guard with loads of eyes! They charge at Amanta, who throws a Tooth Grenade she's been saving since the massive hands! It misses the eye guard but explodes on the other two, who are rapidly covered in rapidly-growing lines of teeth that tear at their flesh! They stumble on after her, the Eye Guard ducking back into the door he came from.
- Amanta runs back out of the guard room towards the gallbladder, and more importantly towards the lower lung where their drill-worm still waits for them to exit the place!

--- Heeeere's Swanny
- In the toilets at the pub, Swanny axes through the door of the stall and peers through at the mean HR lady with a wild look in his eyes.
- There is a loud scream and Swan emerges from the loos covered in blood.
- Luckily this is the Meatlands and that's not so strange.
- Before anyone can investigate, Celebus grabs Swan by the arm and meaningfully directs him towards the exit. To the bank!

--- Guards! Guards!
- Amanta is fleeing the guards across the main floor of the bank, hurdling queue barriers. 
- The main doors open... it's Celebus and Swan!
- The guards, surprised, are quickly cut down.
- But then, more guards! The enraged manager Kevin from before is here, along with another guard! There is a sound of loud gongs echoing through the place. The alarm has finally been raised!
- Amanta nips back to the brain room to engage the third and final lever. Elsewhere, Tyler tinkers open YET ANOTHER safe despite his 2/6 Tinker and finds inside half a dragon core!

- Swan and Celebus' skeleton swiftly despatch the hated Kevin with a wild axe-swing and skele-claw combo, ripping the guy's massive veins from his body.
- The Eye-man from before, having gathered more guards, bursts in with another anglerfish-dog! The dog goes straight for the skeleton because it's made of bones, destroying it easily. The Eye Guard shoots something nasty-looking from a blowgun, barely missing Igor.
- It's a quick and nasty fight. Igor's electro-punches and Swan's mighty axe doing most of the work, while true to form Celebus takes a few hits. Soon the guards have been eliminated, their blood slicking the pigmeat floor.

--- Pig Pen Shenanigans
- Meanwhile Tyler is still creeping around the place. The upper lung contains live pigs in pens, so he sneaks up the hatch and peeks in.
- There's definitely a few anglerfish-dogs up there, along with some guards who probably also have to muck out the pens.
- Tyler uses his fishing rod to unlatch one of the pig pens, and a fat sow comes grunting out. A guard investigates... but we don't have time for more so we end on that cliffhanger.

Total: 10000 exp

Treasure:
- 10000sp of fine iberico ham (10000 exp)

- The People's Polearm - 1d10 damage, +2 to hit per ally in weapon range
- Slab of dried beef (2000 exp)
- 3 Gifflewim Coins
- Ram's Horn that sounds like an air horn
- Half a Gravity Dragon core (5000 exp)
Total: 17000 exp

Foes Defeated:
- The mean HR lady (5 exp)
- Quite a lot of guards (500 exp)
- Several special ability guards (225 exp)
- A few anglerfish-dogs (300 exp)
Total: 1030 exp

Roles:
- Chronicler & Chef - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Vanguard - George

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 41712 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 31337 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 28495 (Level up at 56000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 4 Specialist: 11189 (Level up at 12000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!