Session 305 - Turbo Fish and the Nouveau Riche

Date: July 25, 14 p.p.

Moon: First Quarter
Zenith: The Allfather

Events:

--- We Gotta Get the Stuff
- After last week's escape from the anus of the Piggy Bank, our heroes stumble into the wider city of Salivasburger smelling like rotten milk and old urine. Behind them, meaty guards converge on the bank's snout.
- There's some light admin in the black market. Rank smells and noxious fluids are actually very normal in a city made of meat. Potions are obtained for a pretty sum of sausages, along with various other bits and pieces.

- The problem faced is this - There's a lot of loot in Celebus' undead worm underneath the Piggy Bank, and the Bank is now locked down. The plan, then, is to head back to the nostril base-camp out in the Meatlands, follow the tunnel the worm chewed through the flesh under the Meat, and reclaim all that good good treasure!

--- Red Herrings
- They set off into the wastes, bereft for once of any means of conveyance other than their own feet.
- After an hour or so they see some strange tracks. Fish silhouettes imprinted in the ground, as though with a paint roller.
- Swan declares that this is a "red herring" but it's too intriguing for the others, so they follow the tracks to see where they lead!

- The tracks lead to an area with several blood pools over"look"ed by a giant eye bluff. The cause of the tracks are obvious - huge red fish rolling ouroboros-style around one of these pools of blood! They occasionally dive in, unlatching, and dive out of the pool!

- A massive pore opens in the skin of the ground and the fish roll down it. The party goes "huh interesting" and begins to walk away. But another pore opens up in their midst and the fish come rolling out at breakneck speed!

- Celebus tries to stuff his sausage-man down the pore-hole and set it alight, which works well in making the fish go on fire and sizzle deliciously. The fish do lots of damage when they first hit, but then their subsequent flopping bites aren't so bad.
- Celebus gets slashed and bitten until he passes out and it looks dire, but then Iskander unsheathes his blade and goes on a rampage! Cleaving each and every fish via multiple crits and incredible swordwork, he rapidly slices every fish into sizzling sashimi!

--- A Singularly Terrible Meal

- Celebus, as is traditional, got a bit battered by the fish. He's bleeding and in pain, and needs something to eat to get himself back in action.
- And thus is born the single worst dish ever cooked up in the history of the Cooking Minigame. "Iskander's Charcuterie", made up of fresh fish,old leathery leech-skin, and some thin slices of Iberico ham. It's barely edible.
- Celebus scarfs down handfuls of the stuff regardless, making a "oh this is good, actually" face to everyone, while Amanta being a giant mantis doesn't really mind it.

--- Return to the Loot
- They finally reach the Nostril, seeing snot raining down on their quiescent giant meat mechs. The hole back to the Piggy Bank is mostly healed over, and Celebus' original plan to crawl the whole way back suddenly seems a bit silly considering that it's a mile or so of claustrophobic meat tunnel between here and there.
- Thankfully there's whole roll of wormskin left, so he can fashion a new worm! A bit of stitching here, an occult ritual to raise it to life there, and they have a second Undead Worm!

- Celebus goes alone, chewing along the tunnel back towards Worm One. He does notice that his worm goes through a few thorny thickets of vegetation growing through the tunnel which is... interesting. Very out of character for the Meatlands.
- He eventually reaches the original Undead Worm and claims the loot! He leaves the other worm concreted up like a "Eurotunnel discarded digger" and absconds back with the rich pickings claimed from the big pig.

--- Back to Guido
- Everything finally in order, they go back to see Guido in Salivasburger.
- Amanta and Iskander go to see Guido, who is very pleased with their progress! Ruining the Meat Mech Hangar means that the Meat Mechs have withdrawn to protect it, allowing Guido's army a straight shot to the Meat Lord's T-Bone Fortress. Locking down the Piggy Bank has led to riots since people can't access their clean meat savings, tying up the Meat Lord's security forces.
- The party ponders whether they'd want to attack the Meatworks where the Carnomancers create strong meat warriors, or find the Kaldane Gardens where the Meat Lord grows vegetables to stave of scurvy.
- Just then, Swan the Swift swaggers in with Celebus and Tyler Lockheart. He's got a plan! He slams his new business venture down on the table - the WHEATLANDS(tm).
- The plan is to use the insane amount of "manure" produced by the Meatlands to grow crops!
- A new, completely curveball plan is made. The party will seek audience with the Meat Lord via the letters of introduction they bear, looted from the pig's caecum. Inside they will approach the Meat Lord and present their ultimate scheme - a blockchain-enabled tech startup called WHEATLANDS that just needs some investment to get going!

--- Carousing
- Everyone's in for this ridiculous scheme, naturally! To celebrate their victory, and bring luck to their future endeavours, Amanta and Tyler go out on the hopefully-not-actual piss.
- They have a massive sesh, and when Amanta wakes up in the morning she discovers that she's got a new tattoo... or several tattoos. It's each of her former male mantis lovers, crossed out one by one in the order in which she ate them. How.. sweet??

- Next time - Dungeons & Dragon's Den!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:
- Much loot previously looted, finally in your grubby little mitts.

Foes Defeated:
- A small school of Red Herrings (250 exp)

Total: 250 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler & Chef: Charles
- Expedition leader & Paymaster: Kitty
- Cartographer & Vanguard: George
- Quartermaster & Triage: Ollie
100 exp per role

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 46648 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 36273 (Level up at 72000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 33431 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 29344 (Level up at 32000)

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 5 Specialist: 12629 (Level up at 24000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!