Tuesday, 23 November 2021

Session 304 - A Piss-Up in a Caecum

Date: July 16, 14 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: The Lady


New Backstory:
- Amanta let a hive of underground insects burn to make food for her fellow mantises. +2 Fire Damage
- Tez once pissed off his entire hometown and had to flee. Someone you don't know here is an estranged friend, "Wait, JOHN?!". Use any time, one use, up to you whether you're been forgiven by now.


Events:

--- Teeth and More Teeth
- There is still a fair amount of pig digestive system to explore, surely with lots more loot, so the party stash their current haul in the digging worm down in the lower lung.
- The now-dead managers' office is tantalisingly close, so they creep across the accounting hall to check it out. Unfortunately, once more, there are guards!
- These guys are armoured in horrible teeth can stick to walls with the big suckers on their hands, and they've got one of those anglerfish dogs with them which also has teeth. It's a lot of teeth.
- Thankfully they don't put up too much of a fight. Tez claims the dog, crushing its head with her warhammer after Iskander chops off its wiggly glowing anglerfish antenna. Swan rips a guard off the wall and throws him at another guard. Amanta stabs into the exposed dermis of a tooth-guard after Iskander chips its teeth off with the dog's severed head. It's pretty metal.
- Celebus arrives just in time to claim the Last Breath of the last guard. Necromancy is a go!
- After the battle they go into the office at last. Inside it's quiet and there's not much particularly crazy for a shit manager to have. Some vodka in a lower drawer, some fairly distasteful pornography, some HR folders that he "lost". A newspaper clipping exposé reveals that the Meat Factory has the same layout as a chocolate factory on the moon, due to budget cuts.

--- Sausage Holes
- They proceed to the bowel. There is a camera-eye on the way, but Iskander cut those suckers off the guards' hands and now uses one to cover the camera entirely. Blinded!
- They slide through the door made of meat and bone and enter a large chamber burrowed out of the small intestine with meat shelves containing a multitude of pigeonholes, all filled with sausages. There are even notes to say who owns what sausage.
- A man appears. A creepy back-office type man. He offers a tour!
- The team gratefully take him up on his offer, up until he springs a trap! "Get 'em boys!" he yells, and meat-guards with some sort of black tar dripping from their grotesquely long nails leap out in ambush!

--- Poison Pins
- Celebus incants a dark spell... and hundreds of sausages shlorp out of their holes and form a big sausage golem!
- Swan grabs the hands of two guards and stabs each of them with the other. Black veins start pulsing from the wounds. Definitely poison!
- The guard follows up and manages to scratch Swan, inflicting him with the same poison. Nearby, Tez misses a hammer-blow and gets scratched for his trouble. They double over in pain as the poison pumps through their bodies.
- It looks dire... until a tall man who has like 8 extra brains extruding from his body, and even two on the backs of his hands, looms from behind a shelf and shouts loudly that the fighting must stop! He declares that the party must die of poison or get out, and offers an antidote to enable the second option.
- Also he says his name is Gregory Galaxy-Brain.
- Celebus manages to half-convince him that they are in fact a maintenance crew, and so Gregory gives them the antidote and tells them to get moving.
- He also informs them of a terrible fact - the whole bank is about to start filling up with "piss-milk" due to the security breach.

--- Magical Realm
- There is a moment of deliberation as the "maintenance crew" debates which way to go. Back to the certainty of escaping with their already established loot? Or a quick run deeper into the pig's guts?
- Of course, it's the uncertain doom option.
- They scurry on, a very wet gong banging the alarm from somewhere, and find a junction near the connection between small and large intestines. One way, the caecum. The other, the bladder.
- Of course, it's the piss option.
- They bust into the bladder and see a very obvious wizard in a yellow hat with yellow robes and a red nose pissing into the pool of the bladder. In his hand he holds a strange sausage-like object.
- The team blast into action and try to kill the Whizzard before he can engage the nasty liquid! 
- Of course, the object in his hand was a deadman's switch. Huge nipples emerge from the ceiling and begin squirting white milk with streaks of red into the bladder pool. The  team runs!
- Of course this happens when we've got a fairly new player...

--- Caecum Ye Shall Find
- Celebus casts a spell to make the intestinal walls contract, holding back the tide, as Iskander carries him away! The cackles of the piss-wizard fade into gurgles behind!
- They see the caecum trap-orifice on the ceiling of the intestine ahead and scramble up it, pursued by a tidal wave! They get in just in time!
- The trapdoor dilates shut, holding back the awful substance below. They catch their breath and look around.
- 20 lockboxes! With 20 keys dangling by ligaments next to them! That's four chests each, and the pissmilk is almost forgotten as they work the locks and discover such wonders! Magic items, letters of audience with the Meat Lord, sausages, hams, treasure of all shapes and sizes!
- There is, though, the question of how to escape through the pissmilk.

--- Rearguard Action
- Given the recent acquisition of a few necklaces that, when swallowed, shlorp the swallower into the necklace, they decide on quite a clever option.
- Tez, Amanta and Iskander swallow the necklaces and are swiftly sucked inside-out inside them.
- Celebus and Swan, using the power of Celebus' Eject Skeleton spell, eject their skeletons from their bodies.
- They pile the loot into their recently vacated skinbag bodies, shoving aside various organs, and drop down the trapdoor wearing the necklaces around their necks.
- They march along the floor of the large intestine through the pissmilk, not needing to breathe, and eventually reach the anus. It dilates open at Celebus' touch... and the party in various magically induced states of not-needing-to-breathe falls out onto the meaty streets in a deluge of nasty liquid.
- Still smelling of rotten milk and old urine, they make their way to the black market and fence their goods. They're rich!
Total: 7000 exp


Rumours:
- There's a massive dungeon inside the mouth of Dr Gulp Esq. It's 50 sausages to enter a team, and few survive.
- If you're stupid enough to want to meet the leader of the rebel Necromancers, hang around the Old Dock until someone comes sniffing around after you.
- They say the Meatworks have got the same layout of a chocolate factory from the moon, due to budget cuts.
- My friend just left north saying that a vast raccoon god will grant you entrance to the Dharga.
- Have you ever seen a giant lady mantis eat a slut bun? She was after my fucking head!
- You heard of these obols they use as money in a place far away? Demon nonsense I say, but Julgoor over in the Old Market will turn your sausages into tattoos for you if you want to waste them.


Treasure:
- 400 sausages (400 exp)
- 5 Iberico Ham legs (5000sp)
- 3 Dragon Core Shards (3000 exp)
- Three letters inviting the bearer to an audience with the Meat Lord
A fancy meat slicer (400 exp)
- Hormone Potion grants 18 Str and Con for an hour
- Three Metameat Necklaces which, when swallowed, shlorp the swallower into the necklace from which they can reform at will.
Total: 8800 exp

Defeated Foes:
- Jumping guards (100 exp)
- An anglerfish-dog (75 exp)
- The Whizzard (1 exp)
Total: 176 exp


Exp Totals:
- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 45008 (Level up at 64000)
- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 34633 (Level up at 36000)
- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 31791 (Level up at 56000)
- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 27704 (Level up at 32000)
- Ailsa / Tez, Level 3 Barbarian: 5196 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +Saves! +Backstory! +Barbarian Table!



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