Session 309 - Against the Meat Lord!

Date: August 7, 21p.p.

Moon: Waning Crescent - Clean Face
Zenith: Eris

New Characters:
- The Meat Up - a group of philosopher Extras led by a dog named Didogenes

Events:

--- Heists Complete!
- The meat city of Salivasburger is in chaos and the T-Bone Tower, the centre of the Meat Lord's might, is now vulnerable.
- The Meat Mechs have been forced to retreat to their depot, exposed due to the impact of a massive undead worm.
- The Meatworks are collapsing into a mutated mess of meaty monstrosity due to a certain industrial accident in the mutant vats, keeping the Carnomancers very busy.
- There's a run on the Piggy Bank, so the population are rioting and forced to eat nasty meat without access to their clean meat deposits.
- And the Skullcrabs are on-side with the Bone Lord's rebellion, since they care not who their ultimate master is so long as they're in control of the city's hidden vegetable supply.

- The Meat Lord is weak, and the Bone Lord's noble warriors are ready to charge the tower. To arms!

--- Ez scout ez life
- The team enter the meaty interior of the tower via stolen Meat Mech hand. The Bone Lord's troops are running through the medium-rare corridors of the T-Bone Tower, fighting in close-quarters combat with the Meat Lord's visibly weakened troops. Long nails instead of claws, calloused skin instead of scales, that sort of thing. The impact of the attack on the Meatworks.
- Guido the Bone Lord has already told them what he knows of the interior, and some nearby Skullcrabs stop fighting the Bone Lord's troops when they're reminded that they're on the same side. Onwards!
- A skullcrab scouts ahead, spotting a pit trap and an otherwise empty room. The party jumps the pit trap and finds a bunch of fine rolled-up meat carpets like kebabs. Brill! They chuck the loot into Celebus' graffitied undead worm and head back in.
- They keep happening to run into friendly Skullcrabs who scout out the next location for them. Very convenient!

--- Mad Romance
- They run into some thorny Goblins who have dug in from underneath with thorny vines. They're here to kill the Meat Lord for the greater good of the Idea of Thorns!
- The one they first meet is in a complicated relationship with the one in the next room. They've both got anthers, so they could never become a pea-pod and make children together.
- After much to-do, the goblins are persuaded that their love is ok, and all is resolved in a lovely manner.
- The leave, passing yet another Skullcrab who is piling rusty spoons on a table and who scouts ahead yet again!
- Passing by a colourful room full of fighting warriors and leaving them well alone, the team enters a room of pooling congealed fat. A big fat statue animates and offers a blessing which Amanta takes... for the next 24 hours she can turn people into bacon!

--- Say Thy Name
- Backtracking slightly, they come to a big cancerous gullet with skin tags hanging down and little mouths that boom out "SPEAK THY NAME AND ENTER!".
- The Meat Up shout "the Meat Up!" and enter with no problem.
- Amanta shouts "Hamanta!" and enters with no problem.
- Swan the Swift announces his true name - "Ill-Fate Snels!" and enters with no problem.
- Celebus shouts "the chicken man!" and is swiftly squirted with a bunch of pus from the cancerous growths! Yuck!

- They are attacked by a creature that is all legs and anuses, but they beat the crap out of it.
- They pass through a room where strings of sausages dangle from the ceiling. They decide it's a trap, given the way the sausages are pulsing, and leave well alone.

--- Against the Meat Lord!
- They enter a familiar chamber, softly lit by the pale white dragon chained to the roof, dripping glowing white liquid from its wounds which are being suckled upon by enormous leeches!
- It's the Dragon's Den yet again!
- Corpulus Thrall, the Meat Lord, a huge skin-kite stretched taut over the body of a huge flesh colossus, pores over a map of the city looking stressed out. He mutters about how it's all gone wrong, then looks up to see the party walk in!

- "Stuff and wotsit, it's bally well you blighters!" he blathers, and attacks!
- Celebus chugs some potions while Amanta crawls up the wall, hoping to jump out onto the Meat Lord's back.
- The Meat Lord strikes Eegor and Swan with his mighty fists, and they stick to his fists like knuckledusters!
- The Meat Up see some backup rushing in from a side corridor - a huge meaty guy with four arms and huge muscles! Didogenes stands his ground, barking philosophically.
- What's this? Iskander is here! Jumping out of Swan's necklace he simultaneously kicks Swan in the groin to dislodge him from the sticky fist, and slices down with his bloodsucking fish-sword! Swan whangs down on the Meat Lord's back with a poisoned hammer. What a team!
- Amanta jumps down from the wall, big mantis elbow-claws bared, and stabs into the back of the Meat Lord's head, sliding down his back and opening his big body up in absolute gouts of blood. He's dead!

- The backup four-armed meat man puts up his arms in surrender. It's over.

--- Bone Lord Victory!
- Guido shows up with his army and gawps at how quickly the party took down the Meat Lord. That was the boss!
- But with that, the city is under new management! Now known as Beyond Salivasburger (tm), it shall be turned into the Wheatlands of Swans' dreams!
- Now that they've got a bodyguard, the party looks around for loot. They find a (literal) chest with 3500 sausages, a goblet made of a preserved boob, a very long 10' bone, an actual Hand of Glory whose light can only be seen by the holder, a surprisingly nice incense burner, and an axe with a handle made of a spine that gives +4 to hit against vertebrates.
- Celebus takes the boob goblet, naturally.

Total: 7000 exp

Loot:
- classic Hand of Glory
- Spine Axe
- Incense Burner (100 exp)
- 3 Kebabs (3000 exp)
- 2500 sausages (2500 exp)
- Boob Goblet
- 10' bone
Total: 5600 exp

Foes Defeated:
- The Meat Lord himself! (1500 exp)
- A sadly too-slow four-armed Meat Man (500 exp)
- A many-legged bum beast (75 exp)
Total: 2075 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 48063 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 42918 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 40076 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 39739 (Level up at 64000)

- Tom / The Meat Up, Level 2 Extras: 3035 (Level up at 3500)
Level Up! +1d12 HP! +Named Character! +Backstory!

Session 308 - Too Much Meat

Date: August 3, 21p.p.

Moon: Waning Clean
Zenith: Eris

Events:

--- Cliffhanger Uncliffed!

- In the meat factory, our heroes Astro-Moon, Swan the Swift, Iskander, Celebus and Amanta, ready for the conclusion of last week's cliffhanger. Celebus had just lobbed an Animate Dead spell at a bucketful of guts held by a crab-handed oompa loompa, and in slow motion we see the results...
- The guts erupt like floppy snakes and start to strange the little orange guy! The other oompa loompas flee, citing safety regs! The coast is clear!
- As a whole intestine starts snaking down the gagging oesophagus of the ambushed oompa loompa, Celebus goes over to a very meaty console and slams a button that says "do not touch". The bulbous tubes connecting the various meat boilers disconnect, writhing on the ground and spewing disturbingly bright pink ooze across the floor.
- Our heroes scurry up the stairs to the next level. It's a very throat-like room. There is much discussion as to which way round the map is in various memories.
- A man with a conical head bustles past the throng, heading towards the blaring alarms from the mutagenic outbreak below. The party, true to form, pretend that they're some sort of inspectors and abscond while the man is distracted by the meaty tendrils crowding up the stairs.
- Iskander peeps into a nearby room and sees what looks like a doctors' office. Several individual cubicles contain winged mutants being interviewed by doctors with clipboards. Iskander fires a special fireball crossbow bolt in there and shuts the door, to screams.

--- Charles' One-Eyed Snake Fantasy

- The team run out into a corridor and take a hard right into a big very Wonka-esque room that's like a field made of meat. The grass is hair. The ground is skin. The river in the middle is a river of thick gloopy stinky brown stuff. Skin-winged butterflies dart about. Celebus gets obsessed with imagined "snakes" that he "kisses" and drinks the "fluid" "within".
- There's a locked door out, which Astro Moon punches open with a Shocking Grasp.

--- Another Baz
- Another corridor, more doors. They open one experimentally to find the entry chamber. There's a coat rack, some seating, and a legless strong-armed man called Legless Baz in a top hat. He asks them who they are, and they give the same excuse that they're meant to be here as biohazard contractors. The biohazard alarms are still going off, so he gives them the benefit of the doubt.
- They had back into the corridor, avoiding a couple of doors, and see a big hollow vitreous eyeball that acts as a window. An exit?
- There a door here too. They peek through and see some dorms. Bunkbeds separated by scrotal flaps that shrink up when touched. Various stuff is found, including some iberico ham, some sausage, a vial of poison under a half-written suicide note, and the end of a fag packet.

- They leave and overhear some guards talking over the party's description. A big mantis, plus a few other dodgy chaps. Fuck.
- Celebus uses Link Portals in the corridor to scooby doo this shit. Every door leads out of a random other door. Let's go!

--- Four-Armed but not forewarned
- The party run through the nearest door and end up in a strange new room! A fine figure of a four-armed 8-foot-tall man flexes on a rotating pedestal, measured by several Meat Magi who are admiring the Meatworks' meat work. The big guy has two heads, one buried in the chest and one on the neck.
- Iskander runs up and shoves a locket straight between the muscle man's butt cheeks. Unfortunately Iskander also gets his hand stuck between those big buns.
- Swan looks on in awe. This is the best day of his life.
- Just then, the guards randomly come out of the nearby door. This day just keeps getting worse!
- High combat ensues. Despite his arm getting slowly pulled further and further into the surprisingly capacious anus of the four-armed muscle man, Iskander manages to use the momentum from the spinning dais to decapitate several guards!
- Celebus and Amanta join the battle but are laughing too hard to hit their foes, to the general mirth of the guards themselves until their mirth is cut short by Iskander's arm-deep rotational decapitations.
- The Meat Magi attempt spells, but Iskander's plan works! The spells are drawn to the spell-attracting locket lodged deep within the four-armed meat man! Successive spells hit him, weakness reducing his gluteal grip and an arcane blood-link attaching his health to Iskander.
- Iskander suddenly realises a horrible truth - killing the man he's fisting will also kill him.
- He drinks a potion of sponginess, which unfortunately was supposed to be applied topically. He vomits it all over his own arm and up the big man's bum crack. His arm become like a sponge and easily, finally, extricated from the powerful rump of his foe.

- The Muscle Man limps out a door for a bit of a lie down after the ordeal. Thankfully for him, he random-doors straight into the dorms, where he places a pillow under his lower back as he lies down.

- A last surprise attack from Legless Baz is forestalled when Astro Moon punches a dead wizard to become a horrible steed, on which Legless Baz can be mounted like a centaur figurehead. He's pleased, and becomes non-violent.

--- The Worst Thing That Can Happen
- Amongst the corpses of several dead wizards and guards, the party ask Legless (Legged?) Baz about how the meat factory could be destroyed.
- He tells them that, on balance, a full mutagenic outbreak such as might be caused by pressing the big "do not press" button down in the basement would wind up destroying the place.
- The gang look at each other with a 😬
- The mutagen bubbles around the doors, forcing them open. Sirens outside grow louder. It's time to go!
- They escape out the front door, Legless Baz cantering along beside them, as the fire department-esque mutagen squad roll up in a big red flesh-van and start spraying the place down with lye. Meatworks... complete!

Total: 6000 exp

Loot:
- 17 sausages (17 exp)
- A slab of iberico ham (1000sp)
- A vial of blade poison - Trauma equal to damage, one use.
- Three choking cigarettes - breathe out to stun an area of foes, Save vs Blast slows instead.
Total: 1017 exp


Foes Defeated:
- A fair number of guards (100 exp)
- A smaller number of Meat Mages (250 exp)
- Legless Baz (75 exp)
- A four-armed big boss man (750 exp)
Total: 1175 exp


OOC:
- Chronicler - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Vanguard - George
- Chef - Izzy

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 45028 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 39883 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 37041 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 36704 (Level up at 64000)

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 14122 (Level up at 18000)