Session 455 - Into the Broligarchy

Date: 30 July 1626

Zenith: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Full Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Benito Brazil was bringing a solid brick of fine barely-cut Notcoke to Loegria on a ship with his family of dogs. Alas, a dog swallowed the drugs and went insane on the boat. He lives on it our hearts. When equipment breaks, take a free action.

Events:

--- Through the Gardens

- We rejoin our heroes in the midsts of the Gardens of Ynn. In this perpendicular reality they are tracing the sigil that will take them to the city once called Drist.
- Masvani rests on the back of his giant Necromantic crab, sleeping away the day on his throne while it walks sideways after the others.
- He awakens to find that the group have come across a charming village with a whole garden of statues! All are on sale!

- Masvani buys a bone china statue of himself. Benito buys a couple of paired statues of Celebus in a homoerotic scene.

--- Burial Loam

- The party continue on, tracing the sigil to Drist.
- They pass across bridges amongst giant trees. Below, a vast clockwork lawnmower grinds down huge grasses.

- Darkness falls as they descend the bridges down to a hilly region punctuated by greenhouses, all of which contain orchids. A huge and powerful caterpillar blobs gregariously among them.

- They look for an empty building and find one - a shed with half-full compost bags drooping open.
- Masvani keeps watch through the night.

- Or does he! Benito awakens to find a toothsome compost bag gnawing towards his legs!

- Masvani hears the commotion and runs in! The teeth are the creature, not the bag, so he manages to lure them all into a flowerpot and seals it for later use.

--- From Above

- Rested despite the commotion, the party travel forth. They have claimed penny-farthings from the previous location and ride them tremulously.

- They see a crashed ship atop a hill and exert their legs to reach the top. It's a downed Red Elf craft, skittering visually in this cognitive realm between a huge soap-bubble, a beached galleon, and a flying saucer.

- The party trade with the Elves. Masvani gains a lovely set of loose-leaf teas, each of which has interesting proper teas. Benito gains a fine perfume.

- They head off and From Above a certain player knocks a glass of water over my lovely Paths cards illustrated by Chris Riddell and we decide to cut the Gardens of Ynn gimmick short to allow them to dry. To players: Please don't make a habit of this.

--- Overcast 

- They emerge into a garden that is chaotic to the layman, but well-tended to the gardener. The sky is overcast. The garden is dotted with marble busts of luminaries vaguely recognisable.

- In the garden is - click here -  

- She has beautifully muscled legs and a floral dress. A trad wife!

- She tells them that this garden is known as the Iron Forum, and the statues are the strongest among the Broligarchy. She starts as she recognises Hammer, who hides behind a pillar and downs a Potion of Shrinking to get out of sight and climbing up onto a shoulder.

-- We Like, We Like to Party

- The Inn is called the Velvet Peg and it is pretty packed. There's not much ale on tap but they've got protein slop for days. All the meals available are variations on rice and chicken. Gym equipment lines the walls and dropped weights litter the dance floor.

- Benito is approached by an older man (no homo) and given ancient words that might allow him into the VIP room. He fails!
- Mother Flotsam tries next, despite being (-) she passes the test!

- The older man leads them forward to the back room...

--- Swole Trader

- They meet Gaius Fleximus Aurelia, an absolute adonis lying on a long couch. He runs this city for now. Celebus is the real leader, but he's losing his form so Gaius has had to step in as his Spotter.

- If the party wish to stay and become part of the town, they must beat all challengers at chandelier lifts, taking a chandelier rope each and beating the other at how many they can do.

- However in the basement they have... THE BONE! The famous BONE that can be lifted!

--- The BONE

- Benito demands to see the bone. He descends into a basement of naked muscled men all showing off to each other and approaches the bone itself.
- He snorts a line of Notcoke and... succeeds! Alas, the benefits are meagre compared to the detriments to his mind. Still, he's stronger! 

- Hammer tries the same and - lo! - he lifts the bone! All around clap for him!

- Both are cursed. Benito loses a lot of intelligence and wisdom in the pursuit of strength, and must now beat someone unconscious lest it happen next time he sleeps. Hammer gains Strength and Constitution, and must now devour food until he falls unconscious, which he gets to immediately.

- Hammer passes out full with great pride. Benito is approached by a merchant with an idea of whom can be beaten unconscious...

--- Research Items

- Since they'll be here a while, Masvani researches a couple of spells, hoping to reconfigure the fate of poor Benito.
- Mother Flotsam gets to researching (despite being NOT a witch) a spell that will turn a person into a frog.

- With all relatively safe for now, we rest for the evening.

Total: 9000 exp

Treasures:

- A variety of fine teas

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Cartographer (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Man of Directions (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Vanguard and Artificer (200 exp/level)
- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 26978 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 24964 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 21711 (Level up at 32000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 16144 (Level up at 18000)

Session 454 - Ynntegration

Date: 23 July 1626

Zenith: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory:  

- Masvani-i-Manavi is always stylishly dressed. +2 to reaction rolls when wearing clean and stylish clothes.

Events:

--- Calendula

- In the room at the heart of the great big horrible multi-coloured worm, our heroes have come across an Elvish woman named Calendula in the core, strumming great chords that connect to the heart and/or brain of the creature. She has great big horizontal ears and holds herself with disdainful majesty.

- She observes the party, makes a decision, and reaches into the translucent throbbing wall. She pulls out two "viro-spidos" and places them in defence position.

- Conversation ensues. She was once a bearer of the original Idea of Thorns (civilisational destruction, return to monke) and is now being mentally reformatted by the replacement Idea of Wheat (farming and Kings) upon contact with the baseline reality in which it reigns.

 - Her task was/is to make the Worm destroy value. Previously, this was to tear down the basis of civilisation. Hence the original attempt to make it consume gold and (after the apocalypse) valuable non-mutagenic meat. Now she is making it consume obols. The drive to consume value continues, because the merchant class is the greatest long-term threat to Kings.

- Hammer attempts to explain that currency is useful to Kings. Benito Brazil offers perfume as a thing of value that shouldn't be destroyed. It's all very philosophically interesting.

- She offers to teach them the secrets of fast-travel via the Gardens of Ynn in exchange for avoiding ghastly and unedifying combat, and this is gleefully accepted by the party!

--- Into Ynn

- She tells them the secrets of Ynn. Travel must be from garden gate to garden gate, and follow a path dependent on the place you are approaching. The garden must be at least a little overgrown and lush with life. In these recovering days of the post-apocalypse this network of gardens is blooming back to life.
- They travel through the gate torn in the hide of the worm and look around at a manicured garden, large chessboard in the centre, surrounded by thick hedge. Bones are scattered around and the chess pieces are giant, twice the height of a man.

- They declare that they wish to travel to the Broligarchy located in the city once known as Drist and subsequently Necropolis. The path is formed - a symbol that represents a barbell.
- Benito attempts to tame the elf with his Halfling abilities and is roundly rejected! The feedback stuns him for over a minute. By the time his mind returns she is gone.

--- Bitchers Get Pitchers

- Directions in Ynn are Near, Far, Charmwise and Widdershins. They head Near. Enormous pitcher plants grow in a greenhouse in earthy terrain. Within, under a net, trinkets glisten.
- Masnavi takes a closer look and is immediately unthralled by a pitcher plant! He wonders close and climbs in up ladder-like striations on the pitcher leaf and plunges in.
- Benito sends in his minion and, alas! The same thing happens!

- Benito, in his grief, runs into to save his minion friend but is also enthralled, saved only by Hammer hauling him out at the last second! Hammer's cavemen shoot arrows into the pitchers to little effect.
- Hammer sighs and skulls a Potion of Plant Control, ordering the recalcitrant pitcher to spit out Masvani. It works! Also spat out - a bottle of fine wine worth a full 10 gold.

--- Fine China

- Masnavi eats to heal and the group continue Near.

- The terrain is cliffs with steep drops. A tower is tucked against the rock surrounded by tumbled scree.

- Ceramic bones litter the ground, scattered with blue patterns. Skeletons of the Ynn-Elves. Benito lobs a stone at a ceramic skull and is amazed to see it grow blonde fur to cushion the impact before the fur itself retreats.
- Masvani notices a ghost hanging around that particular skeleton, casts Ectoplasmic Hand, and grabs the ghost round the throat! He stuffs it into a bottle before it can properly react!

- The skeletons are worth 600ob each. Masvani raises one to carry the other skeletons!

--- Resting Place

- They leave and travel Near once more, three steps in total. Hammer questions how fast this fast-travel truly is, but others counter that it would take longer in the prime reality. 

- They come across a well-maintained mausoleum and we rest for the day. They've gone thrice Near. Now it's just once Far, thrice Charmwise, and finishing off the other weight of the barbell.
- The Broligarchy awaits!

Total: 6000 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- Fine Wine (500 exp)
- Three complete Ynn Elf skeletons (1800 exp)

Total: 2300 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- Pitcher plants, kinda (400 exp)

Total: 400 exp

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer and Chef (300 exp/lvl)

- Charles the Cartographer (100 exp/lvl)

- George the Vanguard (100 exp/lvl)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 24228 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 21714 (Level up at 36000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 5 Halfling: 18461 (Level up at 32000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 4 Goblin: 9647 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Goblin! +Backstory!

Session 453 - Battenburgivore

Date: 9 July 1626

Zenith: Oberon

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

New Characters:

- Arry Arlow, Once a desairologist (corpse beautician) and ex-Necromancer, he fell out of the game when he realised that he was better at stabbing people than raising the Dead. 

Events:

--- Return to the Worm

- Our heroes are outside the mouth of the huge multicoloured (and increasingly obviously tumourous) worm.

- They head back in and follow their previous route back in. The Nonanists briefly pray and discover that the God today is Oberon, +3 to Ranged.
- They try a new chamber (marbled indigo) and find themselves face to face with a couple of newly renamed "Virospidos", the 10-limbed spidery creatures with the whip-neck and a jagged poisoned beak.

- They are swiftly dispatched by Hammer Hatmaskerson and Arry Arlow, but not without Masnavi-y-Manavi getting stung by one of their poison beaks. He's now intoxicated and staggers behind.

--- Battenwurm

- There are several exits, but one smells of cake so of course they go that way.

- Within a hollow of iridescent puce they see a big fat honest-to-gods Battenburg cake fighting against that sort of worm-bodied wall-burrowing creature with a swiss-army knife of medical equipment for a mouth. They name the worm creature a Battenburgivore.

- The enormous battenburg is thrusting out yellow squares, punching away the Battenburgivore. Hammer and Arry run in to protect the cake, but Arry gets a slingstone to the back of his head courtesy of Mother Flotsam who forgot about the whole shooting into melee thing.
- Masvani slings his fishing rod to molest the far sphincter-door and causes it to close up over the Battenburgivore's worm body! The head squeals!

- The cake takes the opportunity to crush the worm monster with a couple of rapid punches from its pink squares. Victory!

--- Let Them Speak Cake

- The cake opens its innards and speaks warmly from within. Its name is Rudyard and he is from the Gardens of Ynn. His mind, once enveloped by the Idea of Thorns, is now converting to the Idea of Wheat. He thanks the party for their help and tells them that he is here to help reformat the worm.
- They speak with the cake. His entrance was via a tear in the worm that led from the Gardens of Ynn, and his cake-senses tell him that the worm's heart, its core, its cortex, is 6 "rooms" or blisters to the south.

- Masnavi uses a Shape Flesh spell to turn a Virospido from the previous room into an autonomous shield mounted on his walking crab throne.

--- Millions of Sleeches, Sleeches for Me

- The next room is globules upon globules of fluid. Gelatinous Sleeches slither along the walls. These are not renamed because it's a pretty good name. Treasures glimmer in the cracks.
- Mother Flotsam summons up something that is certainly not magic and is surrounded by thousands of flying blades of steely force. She strides forth and the sleeches pop around her, spraying the area with pools of quick-drying glue-blood. This bogs her down fairly swiftly.
- Hammer twists his hand as he releases his sling and spins the slingstone Wanted-style, whipping round the room and killing and/or hurting the remaining grubs.

- Mother Flotsam is covered in clear glue, but she keeps her feet.
- Hammer wades in to finish off the last of them and his victory coccoons him in quick-dry sleech guts. He's basically entombed in resin.

- Masvani has the answer - Embalm! This niche spell turns dead creatures' innards to formaldehyde. The sleech-goo is transubstantiated into pungent yellow liquid, dripping off our stunned and slowed compatriots. A true success for a supposedly useless incantation!

- Squeezing out the Treasure

- There is an abundance of stuff enfolded within the creases of the sleech room.
- Mother Flotsam discovers two wens filled with gold dust, and a highly elastic piece of skin 1' wide.
- Hammer gains Sleech nodules which are worth money, a globule of carmine humour which causes Bleed in a radius when popped, and a Bronze Seed that is forever nice and warm like a hot water bottle.
- Masvani gains a tight-knit fragment of fleebrweb which acts as a fine sieve, eight small crystals worth 20 obols each, and a chunk of scabrous gold-flecked scab worth 170 obols.

--- Heartbound

- They decide to run forth. Several chambers are in their way, but they follow the low heartbeat until the reach the heart, the cortex.

- They enter and see a transparent heart pulsing. Within the heart, dancing and drawing unknown shapes upon the atria, is an Elf with huge horizontal ears, a simple shift, and eyes that leak blood.

- She turns at the sound of our heroes entering her domain. She rejects beauty, and is from the Gardens of Ynn. Her existence, so long overtaken by the Idea of Thorns is being subverted by the Idea of Wheat. She hasn't had a name for it before.

- She is very much a potential boss fight, and so we end before it gets complicated.

Total: 7000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- A couple of Virospidos (100 exp)

- A Battenburgivore (75 exp)
- An abundance of Sleechers (300 exp)

Total: 475 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- Gold dust in two plump wens (350 exp)
- Stretchy Fleebr skin
- 4 Sleecher nodules worth 80 obols together (80 exp)

- A further 4 Sleecher nodules worth 80 obols together (80 exp)

- Glob of carmine humour creates Bleed Poison zone 20'.

- Bronze Seed is forever warm

- Fragment of fleebrweb acts as fine sieve

- 8 small crystals worth 160 obols together (160 exp)

- Gilded scab fragment (170 exp)

Total:840 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- Ratman the Caller (100 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 20678 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 19164 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 13494 (Level up at 18000)

- J Gregory / Arry Arlow, Level 2 Fighter: 2050 (Level up at 4000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

Session 452 - Lo! 't Is a gala night

 Date: 26 May 1626

Zenith: Deusix

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory:

- Hammer Hatmakerson sought revenge against Celebus after being comprehensively mogged. I have no idea what these words mean. When you die, roll on the Cosmic Horror table.

- Mother Flotsam ran into the woods in her youth, following a red riding hood storyline. Alas she met he Devil himself who brought her to deeper knowledge. Witchcraft is in your bones.

--Events

--- Certain Ideals

- Our heroes are at Mt Grumblebelch after at least one night of boozing.

- They question the Dwarfs and discover that they've delved too greedily and too deep.

- They hear of two easy options - kill a big worm that has infested the layer between the stone and the flesh, or enter a strange temple unearthed recently.

- They take the worm option.

-- A Mouth Luminous

- It takes hours but they eventually end up in front of the lips of an extraordinary worm. The Dwarves basically just say "yes that's it".

- The lips of the worm sparkle with colours heretofore unseen. Saturated colour from hot pink all the way though to dull grey.

- Our heroes enter.

-- Gold Devourer

- Hammer Hatmakerson, truest hero, strides forth into the maw. Fronds in the worms' throat reach into his backpack and trousers, fritzing him for gold objects. Alas, they find nothing of value.

- Masnavi shudders as the fronds start to lick up his gold coins. With a flick of the capitalist wrist, he converts his gold into obol tattoos. Somewhere Julgoor cackles.

- Hammer tickles the fleshy fronds before him and they sigh apart.

--- Totally Tubular

- Chambers are explored despite Charles' admonitions that this worm doesn't make sense from a biological perspective. It's mutant and growing, I swear.

- They reach a (the?) fleebrweb and Benito lobs a molotov into the mess of strands. Everything burns.

- This horrifies the host worm. The floor shakes. Everyone other than the extremely powerful Hammer Hatmakerson falls to the wormy ground.

--- Worm Time

- Benito sees a worm flexing forth and (roll roll) takes it over with his mental prowess. It's a tube of gristle wrapped around a long line of technological surgical equipment. It obeys him nevertheless.

- I draw some eyes on my hand and Zoë pack-bonds immediately.

- They stroke open the next door and find themselves in a fleebrweb! There are many fleebrs. Benito chucks a molotov and the fleebrs are all but gone.

--- Stinging Being

- The next cavity contains a ten-legged thing whose legs surround a disk-shaped body. It's awful. Beneath its body is a scorpion tail.

- Benito spins food towards it. It grabs, grips, and devours.

- They chase it into another room where it is assailed by a red worm. Both beasties battle to the death.

- Fear of Assailaints

- Tremors abound. Our heroes avaunt into a side room, closing the fronds behind.

- They decide to cook a meal they call "Slimy but Satisfying" created from Sleech, cored-out red worm, and wheat. It's way better than you'd think!

Total: 8000 exp

FOEs

- A couple of red worms (200 exp)

Total: 200 exp

Exp:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 18628 (Level up at 32000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 17114 (Level up at 18000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 15911 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 11444 (Level up at 18000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 3 Goblin: 7597 (Level up at 8000)

Session 451 - Wrath of the Glitch King

Date: 5 May 1626

Zenith: Alaunus

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Bonus Shrub

Revealed Backstory:

- Goblinda was a devoted leader to her friends and collaborators in her textile business. Give an order once per round - if they obey they get +2 to the action.

Goblinda's Guild Crest

Events:

--- First We Mine, Then We Craft..

- We return to our heroes as they huddle behind a curtain. The room they just came from is silent, despite the many glitch-dwarves they just fought in there. They peek back and confused glitch-dwarves pop back into existence! Look away, and they're gone.

- They turn and look into the corridors deeper in. A spinning tetrahedron - a d4 - is spasming in the centre of the fork.
- Benito touches it and ZAP! It burrows into his head, and Benito's arms and armour get all square and blocky and glitchy, just like the glitch-dwarves!

--- Two Guards

- There are two directions at the fork. One sounds like people talking, the other has a rustle of cloth. They go towards the cloth sounds and find another hanging curtain, this one has two crosses woven onto it.
- They pull it aside and are confronted with two glitch-dwarf guards in front of a door! One always lies, the other always tells the truth. Benito asks "why tho?" and the dwarves grow larger!
- Masvani tries the door and gets pummelled by a glitch-fist! He manages to spit the blood onto the door though and flash-cast Coffin Knock, opening the door!

- The guards are defeated and shrink away, but not before Benito and Masvani give their shrinking forms a kicking.

--- The Glitch King

- Technically there was a clever trick to that door, but the whole point of Knockspells is overcoming arbitrary door-shaped obstacles!

- Within they find a room of pillars and weird spacial distortions. Rolling towards them is an enormous cube! Each face has a different Dwarven face in a different pixelated style.

- The party bid him halt! They have questions. The Glitch King shall answer.

- It is as Hammer suspected. This "Mountain God" was a fragment of the Old Miner which was ejected for being too buggy, a corrupted shard thrown free before it could corrupt the rest of the whole.

- Benito crouch-jumps at the side of the Glitch King until he clips through into the treasure room. He has time to grab one object (a rifle with a crying dwarf carved on the side) before the exploit is patched out.
- Masvani decides to join the Glitch Religion after hearing that it's about individualistic trendsetters who carve their own path and don't need no man. His Faith Bonus means his weapons gain Glitch until he does the same thing as someone else in a round.

- The Glitch King allows the party to go in peace. His people will let them pass so long as nobody attacks anybody else.

--- The Pointless Maze

- They head back the way they came and try going the other way towards the voices. They come across another glitchy platonic solid (this one an icosahedron - ie. a d20) and Benito grabs that too, spreading the glitchiness to all in the party!
- Each turn has a rustle of cloth or voices just in the next room. Each time they choose the voices, and each time there's some rotating platonic solid. Benito grabs them all and eventually grabs one that cancels all effects.
- Finally they reach... a cafe! Two glitch-dwarves eat scones and argue over whether jam or cream goes first. Benito and Mother Flotsam line up with plastic trays, eyeing up the last slice of red velvet cake.

- Hammer Hatmakerson smashes the cash register, sending cash flying, and the room disappears!

They see favourite returning character
THE MAN OF DIRECTIONS
Welcome back Man of Directions!

- They find themselves where they were at the start of the session, behind the curtain that leads into the room full of glitch-dwarves. This time the Dwarves, when they render in, let them through. Any scion of the Glitch King is a scion of mine!

--- Mt Grumblebelch

- They finally leave and head to Mt Grumblebelch itself. An extremely recent Dwarf Hold by anyone's standards, having been formed as a business venture only a couple of decades after the Poisoned Years.

- It's open and welcoming. The Dwarves all wear classic Dwarf gear, chainmail and axes over leather jerkins. Proper honest Dwarf stuff.

- There is, however, a protest in the cavernous entry hall. Humans from the Nightsoil Guild are complaining. Mt Grumblebelch's current main business is mining out the flesh beneath the Wheatlands (née Meatlands) and replacing it with good, honest stone. The is cutting off the Nightsoil Guilds' access to fertiliser from their bumwells. As the stone comes in, the wells stop producing. It's cutting into their profits!
- Ah well, the politics don't really affect the party. They head to the pub and.. hey! It's a Guido! Looks like he is indeed the bartender at every pub!
- They listen around the pub for rumours:
>> The town of Bell, east of the Broligarchy, is haunted by witches that returned when the forest re-emerged.

>> The denizens of New Moondin will watch any outsider very carefully. Only approach if you know someone there.

>>If your village is under attack, consider giving a tithe to Cutfester. Their grizzled warriors are hardened against Dhargaspawn and more horrors besides.

>>Goblins will listen attentively to anyone who follows the Goblin Religion like me. There's something about their expression that makes me think they're mocking me though...

>>A group of Unorthodox Cultists is roaming the lands, warning of war with the Ayatollah of a far-off empire.

--- Carousing in Mt Grumblebelch!

- Goblinda, Benito, Mother Flotsam, and Hammer decide to get hammered!
>>Goblinda Caroused! +1000 exp
>>Benito Caroused! +4500exp
>>Mother Flotsam Caroused! +4000 exp
>>Hammer Caroused! +500 exp

- Hammer has fallen in love with a "goth baddie" named... Willie Justice?? Can't read the Remembrancer's words sorry! We'll find out tonight I guess.

- Goblinda heads to the kitchen and cooks up "Pot de Peur" consisting of wine, anteater, dinosaur, crab and elk. All claimed from the mysterious Caveman Zone (recap tbc). It's... palatable! But no bonus alas.

- Our heroes settle down in Mt Grumblebelch for the night and have quite a nice sleep.

Total: 7000 exp

Loot:
- Mysterious Crying Dwarf Rifle

Foes:

- The glitch-dwarf guards, technically (150 exp)

Total: 150 exp

OOC:
- Charles the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- Carter the Expedition Leader (and Artist) (200 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Zoë the Artist (100 exp/level)

- George the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 17488 (Level up at 32000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 15874 (Level up at 18000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 14871 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 10204 (Level up at 18000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 3 Goblin: 6257 (Level up at 8000)

Session 450 - Glitch Mob

Date: 5 May 1626

Zenith: Alaunus

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

 

Revealed Backstory:

- Mother Flotsam blames herself for her child dying too young, which is why she's such a motherly presence on the team. If someone nearby would die, you can take a crit from what killed them instead.

Events: 

--- And We're Back!

- After a Lost Episode in the Liminal Zone (Episode 459.5 coming soon?) wherein much treasure and strange cave-men were fought and befriended, we return to regular programming!
- The party are, via some contrivance, at the foot of Mount Grumblebelch. Before them is the Sepulchre wherein lies the Mountain God. Theorised to be related to the Old Miner by Hammer Hatmakerson, and reportedly served by a small army of Dwarven worshippers.

- Without further ado, they approach. A curtain blocks a cave mouth, upon which is stitched a squareish minecraft-ish looks-a-bit-like-a-dwarf symbol. They approach and from thin air two Dwarves appear, textures shimmering into existence. They have emerald green priestly robes and swords which shiver and jitter.

- They speak the tongue of Ur-Kalladh, common to the Dwarves of Mt Grumblebelch, and despite some initial digital spasms are quite intelligible for those who know the language.
- They offer entry into their holy mysteries for those who wish to partake. Their faith is one of non-conformity. Benito gives one of them a line of Notcoke and dives past, while the rest of the party follow more sedately. Nice chaps really.

--- Cyberattack

- The tunnel inside is smooth-floored but the walls jag and zigzag unnaturally, carved by some weird force. It ends at another curtain with a similar symbol of a Dwarf face. When pulled aside, the Dwarves within load in. They seem to have experienced a discontinuity of consciousness.

- Talks are attempted but denied, there are a number of similar green-robed Dwarfs, who declare that they wouldn't necessarily fight if their priest was defeated. The priest is at the back of the room in resplendent black-soaked green, on his head a helmet containing two rotating six-sided dice on gimbals.

--- Near Impact
- Masvani fishes the leader's hat straight off his head! Whatever mystical power it possessed is unmoored.
- The party rediscover the art of Opportunity Attacks via failed attempts to get past the front row and kill the priest.

- Mother Flotsam casts her new spell - Babbling Curse - on the leader and he begins yammering hypnotically, all who hear him look on in hypnotic shock unless they pass a save. The leader begins speaking of the infinite labyrinth, of conspiracy, of the truth of the world. The party cover their ears, but Hammer is too late and is stunned too!
- Goblinda attacks Hammer to break his curse and it works! Unfortunately this breaks the curse for everyone not just the individual, and the party is now fighting for their lives.
- Goblinda stands tall and Opportunity Attacks all comers, but...
- The vengeful priest strikes Goblinda across the face, leaving a scar down her cheek.
- She staggers back into the glitching sword of a Dwarven attacker, who aims high then glitches and strikes low, ripping through the celery-like tendon that Goblins have instead of a hamstring. Goblinda is down, drawing artistic flourishes in the sap oozing from her xylem.

--- Alas and Alack

- Masvani activates his backstory power and lies (vaguely plausibly) to the priest boss, who vanishes. The few surviving Dwarfs stand down.
- Masvani casts Livor Mortis, counteracting Goblinda's bleeding, while Mother Flotsam performs first aid and closes up her internal bleeding. Benito feeds her a potion of healing and she's out of the woods. The hamstring will take longer to heal.

- They pick Goblinda up and hustle her through the next curtain which is stitched with a sort of square design, coming to an unlit corridor. As the curtain swishes closed behind them, the dwarves within despawn.
- A throwaway line haunts their minds - is this the infinite labyrinth?

Total: 5000 exp

Foes Defeated:
- A fair few glitch-dwarves (450 exp)

- A glitch-priest (100 exp)

Total: 550 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler & Cartographer (200 exp/level)

- Jahms the Expedition Leader (All foes gain 1 level permanently no take backs)

- Charles the Paymaster (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- Zoe the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 4 Fighter: 15558 (Level up at 16000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 14044 (Level up at 18000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 12841 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 3 Magic-User: 8374 (Level up at 9000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 3 Goblin: 4527 (Level up at 8000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Goblin! +Backstory!

Session 449.5 - Caveman Canonicity Crashout

Session 449 - The Road to #DUNGEON_NOT_FOUND_ERROR#

Date: 28 April 1626

Zenith: The Dead God

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

New Backstory:

- Benito Brazil had a baby back in Brazil, which is one of the reasons why he fled across the sea to Loegria, and left the kid to be raised by the local Caramelo dogs. Your next character can be your son, who starts at half your exp.

- Hammer Hatmakerson reached the position of "naturally handsome" in the manosphere due to hammering his face bones or whatever. He was soon betraymogged by a rival and cast down. +2 to Con stat.

- Masvani-i-Manavi deceived the entire army into walking out of the city then locked the gates behind them, a brilliant prank! Once per session, someone absolutely believes a plausible lie.

Events:

--- Admin Adventures AND a Lore Drop

- We return to our heroes in Larger Pushell, where they are walking around and hearing rumours.
-- Gifflewim is offering discounts with code #GetCrunk

-- Dwarves are slowly replacing the Meatlands with stone

-- Grumblebelch Dwarves are famed for their unbreaking weapons

-- The people of Guzzle send their children into dungeons in the hopes that they'll be ensouled by a passing hero.

- Benito immediately heads to Gifflewim's shop and gets himself 5 doses of Notcoke as a gift-with-purchase.

- The others buy stuff from the local vendor, and Masvani gets himself a nice chair to fit to his new undead Stoneshell Crab. Much more comfortable!

- Gifflewim also informs the group that Elves have breached the vault of heaven, having travelled here after Mars suddenly vanished one day (who did that?). There is a war on the moon, but the Nine High Gods are preventing the fallout from reaching Earth. Spicy!

-- Heading Off 

- As they leave towards Mt Grumblebelch and the Sepulchre of the Mountain God at its base, they pass a Dwarf merchant offering to sell them some goods!

- They purchase some potions from a random grab-bag. A Potion of Growth for Benito, a Potion of Plant Control for Hammer, and a Potion of Spell Ward for Mother Flotsam. How nice!
- The Dwarf also tells them that the Sepulchre of the Mountain God contains Dwarfs who left Mt Grumblebelch to praise the Mountain God instead. They're all mad cultists in his opinion.

--- Uh Oh

- I try to load the dungeon and discover to my absolute horror that something's gone wrong with the SD card! Is everything gone?? I take 2d20 psychic damage and am Stunned for the rest of the session.

- We do some little social interactions while I try to recover, and Benito manages to free himself from his god-curse by sniping a Skip-Rat from 200 yards.

- Alas, my morale is broken, so we end here and George takes over for the rest of the session.
- Charles later fixes it so WE GOOD

Total: 4000 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler, Paymaster and Cartographer (300 exp/level)
- Kitty the Expedition Leader and Chef (200 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Illustrator (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 4 Fighter: 14448 (Level up at 16000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 12134 (Level up at 18000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 11331 (Level up at 16000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 3 Magic-User: 6964 (Level up at 9000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 448 - A Few Crabs With the Boys

Date: 7 April 1626

Zenith: Oberon

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory: 

- Masvani washed away in his youth, yet still loves the water. +1 Piloting.

- Benito is a member of the Ronaldinho Club who supports any and all footballing Ronaldinhos in the hopes they win a purported future award of global significance. Find a fellow member in any city.

Events:

--- Screw This Place

- Despite Masvani's protestations, the group decides to leave the fungal hell behind. They check each others' necks for fronds just to be sure.
- Benito and Hammer shared food together and, apparently, pooped in the same hole after having similar gastrointestinal issues. They have a new understanding.

- They walk back to the road, wheat on the inland side, and find tracks that lead into the seemingly endless wheat! A multitude of heavy holes like sticks pushed down with great strength. Benito sneaks off the path, the others boldly stride forth.

- They come to a circle in the crops. In the centre, a pyramid of nine white stones an arms-breadth wide. Huge crabs relax and molt in the sun. They know of these beasts - Stoneshell Crabs! Caught in their molting!

--- Softshell Assault

- Benito lobs a molotov at the stone-pile, cutting the crabs off from their hermit shells. Hammer heaves in and slices into the soft and delicate shell of one of the crabs, while Benito's minion Wetherspoons Dave smacks himself in the jaw while attempting similar.

- Masvani casts Chattering Skull on a crab's barely formed shell because "an exoskeleton counts as a skeleton right?". Patch notes circle this decision. The crab is horrified by its armour gaining the semblance of life and is thus Dazed.

- Hammer picks the gap and scythes through one and slams into another! He doesn't quite kill it, but Wetherspoons Dave finishes the job with a swift slice! Masvani clinches the last breath with a flick of his wrist.

- The other crabs, shell-less and gummy, flee into the wheat. Another is hobbled as it tries to flee and snipped just behind the eyes. This kills the crab.

--- Aftermath

- Masvani slurps up his crab-flavoured Last Breath and raises a gummy softshell corpse as his mobile throne. Benito slices off the best bits from the dead.

- They all set off towards Greater Pushell, Masvani futilely trying to fish from the back of his crab-throne.

- They reach the Pus Crack, that great bloody rent in the fleshy earth, and debate how to fix it. They hear a cod-Scottish voice telling them to shut up, and look over to see a scattering of stone igloos.

--- Grumblebelch Tendency

- The party approach, Masvani humming a tune, and find a group of three Dwarves from Mt Grumblebelch hanging out and roasting various meaty chunks over a campfire. They're charmed enough by Masvani to welcome the party.
- They chat for a while, and the Dwarves pridefully speak on their arcology's mission to replace the meat of the meatlands with good clean stone. Personally, they're on their way to repair a sluice gate that's leaking fungus into the river. On hearing that the fungus situation has literally just been fixed the Dwarves are stoked! Party time!

- The Dwarves offer their beer, so Masvani cooks up a meal of Crab, Beer and wheat-based "popcorn", naming it Popcorn Crab. It's bloody good!

--- The Party Don't Stop

- The Dwarves' thick beer makes Hammer very drunk, and soon he's dancing towards the lights of Greater Pushell through the balmy night with his new Dwarven best friends.

- They're singing old songs of Ur-Kalladh when they arrive at the gates. The one guard meets them, having seen them crossing through the swaying grain in the light of the gibbous moon, and suggests they head to the Broken Crow because it's last orders soon.
- Benito and Masvani have followed, and Benito decides to get in on the party vibe. Masvani is, alas, too poor and doesn't want to end up in debt to a demon or something (that would be crazy right?)

- Hammer is totally fine! Alas, Benito falls out with the Dwarves because they took the opportunity to mock him for being even shorter than they. He is saved from his shame by an actual God! It's Oberon in the form of a white hare, who distracts for long enough for Benito to escape with his pride intact.
- Benito is tasked with a religious quest - shoot a creature from a great distance against the odds (ie. hit a creature when you need 17+ on the roll) within a month, or else no ranged attacks forevermore.
- A cock crows as dawn breaks, and Benito tries to hit the cockerel but misses terribly. His concern rises, for little does he know, but we'll be skipping the next couple of weeks...

Total: 6000 exp

Carousing:

- Benito Caroused! (600 exp)
- Hammer Caroused! (800 exp)

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler & Chef (200 exp/level)

- George the Expedition Leader & Cartographer (200 exp/level)

- Charles the Paymaster, Vanguard, Artist & Chef (400 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 4 Fighter: 12123 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 9009 (Level up at 18000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 9006 (Level up at 16000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

Session 447 - Just a Bunch of Fun Guys

Date: 31 March 1626

Zenith: Dispater

Moon Phase: Full Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory:

- Hammer Hammerson curses Celebus, holding him responsible for the killing of his best friend who was subsequently harvested for parts by the Necromancer. Double damage against creatures that killed a PC.

- Mother Flotsam is enamoured with Benito as a quasi-adopted grandson, which is monetarily requited. Each gets +2 to hit foes who have hit the other.

- Masvani-I-Manavi moved from the countryside to the big city, leaving for better job opportunities and eventually finding success as a diplomat. +2 Charisma.

- Benito Brazil was raised by a pack of dogs and his "dogfather", El Rojo, was an angry drunk who loved scarfing down fermented fruits for the alcohol content. +2 Dexterity.

Events:

--- Mushroom Bound

- We return to our heroes as they lay up in the Broken Crow in the town of Larger Pushell. It's a classic fantasy tavern other than the skeleton bartender, and the children of the rescued refugees from Edge run around annoying the early patrons.
- Benito Brazil approaches a lone man called Dave sitting at the bar and tames him with Halfling mind control. Wetherspoons Dave joines the partys!

- After a bit of debate, they decide to take the bounty on solving the fungal infection out on the Bloody River. Apparently there's some sort of fungus that's gotten into the shore-meat around an old pumping station, and it's letting infected pus out into the river.

- Hammer meets the Burgermeister of the town, who works at the local Ferfect Fried Chicken branch. Asking after a reward, he is told that a whole elephant-leg of chicken doner kebab is on offer to whoever solves the problem! Sounds great! Masvani gets a kebab knife to help with the mushrooms to come.

--- Penitents

- They set off back down the road to Little Pushell, following the banks of the Bloody River which, despite the name, is only somewhat bloody. Much less bloody than it used to be anyway.

- The Nonanists give a sign to Dispater who is at zenith overhead, granting +3 to Backstab.

- On the road they encounter penitents with tonsures! The party stop to converse, and discover that these are old school Unorthodox priests. They're travelling to warn King Swan that the Pope is steering the now-mobile Vatican towards Loegria. He plans to kill and eat Gifflewim, gaining his power and destroying the obol economy.

- They part ways and the party continues on, stopping to fish and set up camp on the riverbank.

- They cook "Fiji Mermaid, Fried" from Mud Bream, Glimmerjack, Wheat and Mushroom. It's merely ok. Then they camp, sharing two-man tents. Some combination of the passable food and the small tents leaves each pair grumpy at each other in the morning.

--- Get Your Pump On

- They continue downriver until they come to a sign for a pumping station. It says "Get Your Pump On". The door is ajar, and there are mushrooms growing around the door. Must be the place!

- Benito sends Wetherspoons Dave in first, who starts ripping fungus off the walls and chucking them into the river to little effect. Inside he sees three sluice gates blocking three channels channels, locked in place by mycelium.

- The others improvise gasmasks with runes and find a trickle of infected water from one of the gates.

- Hammer tries to leap over the channel and falls in! It's only some quick work with the hooked edge of his axe that saves him from being sucked away!

- Masvani goes more cautiously and looks into an interior chamber. He can see a hand-shaped mushroom growing against the glass. This is very scary to all involved.
- Luckily Benito has a molotov prepared! They try to open a door and it SPRINGS open with fronds squealing out of it! Masvani chucks the molotov in and the others swiftly slam the door shut on the fronds. There is a screeching sound like a kettle boiling inside.

--- Join Us?!

- Meanwhile, Hammer has dragged his way out of the channel and onto the wet tile at the edge of the channel. He looks up and sees... a tonsured monk! But this one is held by a mushroom frond and preaches UNITY!

- He rejects the offer of a fun new religion , backs away, and rejoins the group since the monk can't really move due to the frond.

- The others have entered the interior room, finding an enormous but very singed red-and-white-spotted classic mushroom in the centre. The gills tinkle with music, and it has a face!

- Bandito addresses it in multiple languages, and it answers. It says it is The Murmerer, a remnant of Jonathon Toast, and it wishes to join others in beautiful unity as they were under Toast.

--- Thanks But No Thanks

- They reject the offer and chuck more molotovs! Plus a rune to keep the fire burning!

- Benito feels something squirming in his backpack and throws the whole thing into the fire!

- Mother Flotsam activates her new Razor Spiral spell and, surrounded by blades, moves in to mash the immobile monster to death!

- Benito and Hammer flee for the exit and meet an old woman asking them to join the Toasted Ones. They reject her, and she collapses into a pile of mushrooms.

- Masvani beams lightning in at the fronds.. and hears a scream in his mind! The fronds have been spying on everyone's thoughts! The Repel-Plants glyph (after some discussion on the meaning of "plant" when it comes to the fungal kingdom) works on the mind-spores, so they do some rune bullshit involving Absorb-Life.

- What remains is the corpulent form of an elderly woman, who can still speak. They speak with her at length, learning much lore about the new Toasted One religion, the Murmerer, and Mrs Mycellia who takes 20 years to develop.

- They also find some books! Largely POWERLAD books.

--- Arguments on Return

- They murder the woman, of course, and drag her corpse outside to burn it in a big bonfire which smells very umami.

- Some of the captured life-force from the Absorb-Life rune is drifting away, back towards the pumping station, deeper into the complex...

- The river, however, is much cleaner. The pus infection has stopped. Benito recommends that they absolutely do not go back in there because it's fucked and they've completed the quest. Masvani, by contrast, is all in on looting the place further.

- They can't decide... so that's a problem for next session.

Total: 7000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- The Murmer-Shroom (500 exp)

Total: 500 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- Book #399 - POWERLAD Adult Colouring Book (50 exp)

- Book #325 - POWERLAD and the Busty Barbarian (50 exp)

- Book #385 - The Sins of POWERLAD (50 exp)

- Book #258 - Fiction; A General Work (50 exp)

Total: 200 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Expedition Leader (200 exp/lvl)

- Charles the Paymaster (100 exp/lvl)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/lvl)

- George the Chef (100 exp/lvl)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 3 Fighter: 7956 (Level up at 8000)

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 3 Necromancer: 5842 (Level up at 9000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 3 Halfling: 4639 (Level up at 8000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 2 Magic-User: 4439 (Level up at 4500)

Session 446 - Everything He Hoped For

Date: 24 March 1626

Zenith: The Allfather

Moon Phase: First Quarter

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked) 

New Characters:

- Goblinda, a Hobgoblin madame who took a particular interest in costumery.|
- Masnavi-I-Manavi, Necromancer-Diplomat

New Backstory:

- Hammer Hatmakerson snuck into a party of Necromancer Lords who mocked him for being a dumb serf. Double exp if you fail Carousing roll.

Events:

--- Plans for the Future

- Our heroes are in a pub, flush with victory over some firebombed children. So far so topical. They are considering where to go next. It is a lovely day and they are thus far full of conjecture regarding the ground structure of the Wheatlands, seeing as it is built upon wheat over meat.

- Hammer confirms that the King of this realm is called King Swan. So far so good.

--- The Road North

- They decide to head north to a Sepulchre which is the home of the "Last Shard of the Mountain God", close to the relatively new Dwarf Hold known as Mount Grumblebelch.
- Hammer considers that this may be related to the Old Miner, the ancient Dwarf Satan.

- There is spirited debate over the meaning of "Feudal System". Aline maintains that a Feudal System requires feuding with rival powers, the others insist that Feudalism is defined by class relations. Aline is proven wrong (Feudalism is etymologically related to Latin word for fiefdom - land granted to a beneficiary in exchange for future service) but she grouses for the rest of the trip regardless.

- Hammer insists that there is a secret meaning behind the name of "Little Pushell" but does not deign to furnish this fact on the others. Perhaps the secret will be revealed in 2-3 hours as we pack up.

--- Classic Bandits!

- They take the road north, endless fields of wheat on their right, and.. lo! Real classic bandits! They burst from the head-high wheat, hide their faces behind masks and demand money and/or life! Hammer is delighted.

- Goblinda attempts to seduce the most handsome one, whose bearing is in the sort of upper-middle range where you wouldn't go flirting with him but wouldn't mind him flirting with you. He's not attracted to Goblinda though!

- Aline leaps off her horse (which she's had the whole time) and fumbles. Luckily she's wearing the Blast Armour that explodes on a notch! The horse, the bandit, and all of her friends are thrown backwards by the blast! Goblinda's little goblin minion has a moment of shock before being reduced to atoms.

--- Last Gasp of the Paintress

- The other bandits swarm from the field towards Aline, who barely survives.

- Hammer runs in, weapon aloft, and cleave-cleave-cleaves! Shattered bodies lie in his wake!

- Hammer seizes the Last Breath from the final kill, using the lesson his mentor taught him to raise a bandit as a zombie.

- Aline does the same. Once with a bound spell, easily successful. The second time, at a risk, casting without mana.

- The spell collapses, creates vortices. The second zombie rises as Aline falls into a pile of skin and muscle. Her bones are in the Ghost Dimension, the rest of her gurgles.
- Despite the (to me) obvious fact that this is the end of her story, Aline burbles otherwise. Through spittle and phlegm she orders her zombies to carry her back to town, there to counteract her lack of skeleton.

--- The Refugees of Pus Crack

- The remaining two continue, and soon find themselves at Pus Crack. A great rill in the land, opened up on poisoned and unmoisturised flesh. It splits the road ahead. A horrid mix of pus and blood flow downstream.

- They decide to circumnavigate via the wheat, cutting through and bringing themselves around the tender edge of the world-wound.

- A child laughs. They investigate.
- Hidden in the wheat are several refugees from the demon-ridden city of Edge and their children. They ask for help, and our heroes give it. They wish to reach Swansberg, for it is said to be a safe place under a kind and competent king.

--- Larger Pushell

- They continue on, refugees in tow, and meet the best-dressed of the group. His name is Masnavi-I-Manavi and he was a diplomat in Edge. He has been helping the refugees come south, and he's willing to become a player character!

- The group push on through the evening. A full moon leers overhead, the corpse of the black apocalypse dragon splatted across the sea of tranquility.

- A town is in view, and they head in through the evening. Circular tracks are ignored.

- They reach the town. No walls. Buildings of stacked stone. A single pub - the Broken Crow - shut hours ago. A granary sags under the wheat of its contents. A barber and taxidermist are interesting, but closed too.

--- Guards? Guards?

- A man in full armour and an extravagant helmet approaches with a lantern. Hammer strides forth, and tells him the situation. Refugees and adventurers in need of room and board.

- After some suspicion, the guard uses his key to let them into the Broken Crow. Inside are tables, benches... and a skeleton bartender! This one is Australian and is called, of course, Guido.

- The skeleton says it'll take a few hours to get the rooms (of which there are two) ready, so feel free to sit on the benches for now. To the exhausted refugees this is wonderful, and they're soon snoring.

--- Final Rumours

- They ask Guido for rumours, and despite lack of content he's happy to oblige.

- A splinter faction from Mt Grumblebelch is causing a nuisance in the hills.
- A fungal infection down the river from Grumblebelch has infected the meat, kill it to grant clear mountain water to those downstream.

- We end slightly early! The secret of Little Pushell is... it can be read as "Little Pus Hell".

Total: 9000 exp

Murders:

- Some bandits (50 exp)

OOC: 

- Carter the Chronicler, Paymaster, and Chef (300 exp/lvl)

- George the Expedition Leader (100 exp/lvl)

- Zoë the Vanguard (100 exp/lvl)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 3 Fighter: 5731 (Level up at 8000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 2 Goblin: 3117 (Level up at 4000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Goblin! +Backstory!

- Carter / Masnavi-I-Manavi, Level 2 Necromancer: 3317 (Level up at 4500)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 445 - Dawn of a New Generic Fantasy Era

 Date: 17 March 1626

Zenith: Dispater

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked) 

New Characters:

- Hammer Hatmakerson. The favoured serf of Celebus until he ran away. Fighter.
- Mother Flotsam. An old woman who is vociferously not a witch. Magic-User.

- Benito Brazil. Hungry Halfling on a foreign exchange program. Halfling.

- Aline Dessend. A well-dressed older woman with a skeleton manservant. Necromancer.

--- A New Start

- In the generic fantasy land of the Wheatlands, in the generic fantasy village of Little Pushell, in the generic fantasy tavern called Nice to Weat You, a gang of low level heroes meet up for adventure.

- Mother Flotsam ("not a witch") and the little Hobbit called Benito Brazil, are boon companions. She is helping him navigate the english-speaking world, since his first language is Portuguese.
- Aline and Mother Flotsam, by contrast, have a friendly camaraderie over their shared professional interest in things magickal.
- Guido, the bartender, plonks down frothing mugs of ale. He is a skeleton, and currently emotionally entangled with Hammer Hatmakerson. He's been hiding Hammer in the inn, despite Hammer's misgivings about the Dead.

--- A Quest, Of Course

- Their eyes fall on a mysterious figure smoking at the back of the tavern, cigarette smoke curling from under his hood. They approach and he throws back his hood to reveal... Ratfink Babylon. A hardboiled old ratman who commands pigeons.

- He tells them he's got humans in his basement. 10 000 obols to clear them out. Classic starting quest.

- Meanwhile Aline checks the noticeboard and sees two quests ready to go - "Slay the Last Piece of the Mountain God in the Sephulchre - 5000 obols" and "Clear the Undead basement to unlock Fast Travel".

- So far, so classic. Benito acquires molotov cocktails from the bartender, then mind-controls a local drunk to be his steed. Aline buys some painting supplies.

--- Humans in the Basement

- They arrive at the house of Ratfink Babylon in short order and hear a childish laugh.
- A child calls for aid from a nearby sewer grate so Hammer rips it off to free the child! Alas, it is no ordinary child - it has long limbs and leaps straight for his face!
- Benito runs up and stabs it to death with one blow of his knife. Aline is quick with a vial to catch its Last Breath, but before she can examine it for clues Benito has whipped it into his sack! He's saving it for later, you see.
- Hammer knocks on a neighbour's door for more info. He says the basements beneath the houses here are all linked up, but his reasons for why are very conspiratorial and untrustworthy.

--- Enter the Home of Ratfink

- They head into the house and see it is laid out around a central bathroom. They raid the kitchen for ingredients, but the first thing they find is a weird greeny-yellow mushroom that fuses into Mother Flotsam's hand as soon as she picks it up! She can no longer use that hand, but now has a touch attack.

- They figure out that the central toilet is in fact a lift! They send it down and see many eyes staring back at them...

- Benito chucks a molotov immediately. The long-limbed children SCREAM and die quite quickly.
- When the fire dies, pigeons flutter down from alcoves and start scavenging the cooked flesh.

- The party descend the lift and Benito harvests meat from the corpses. The basements of the houses are indeed connected. 

--- First Loot

- They look around and find loot!
- Benito finds a mushroom that will make him even shorter. Mother Flotsam finds the Quicksilver Charm that slows everyone but her until she leaves the room. Hammer finds the hefty Lachrymaxe - an axe that feeds on torture. Aline gains Blast Armour that releases a detonation when notched.

- Ratfink Babylon arrives and tells them that the kids came with the place so he's glad that they've been removed. He pays up, obols flowing over skin, but Aline wants her payment in trinkets so she gets those.

--- House of Carouse

- Now that they're flush, it's time to party! For everyone but Aline that is, because she's still hung up on this whole thing where they just killed a bunch of unknown children. She decides to research spells instead.

- Mother Flotsam was the life of the party! Carousing costs double in this town now.

- Benito gambled it all away... losing an extra 100 obols.

- Hammer woke up next to a very attractive woman! He even beat his save vs venereal disease!

--- Prep for Next Time

- Next time they'll head on off to kill the mountain god.

- But first, lunch!

- They cook "Friendship Feijoada", consisting of bread, glimmerjack, and succulent child meat. Aline does not partake, but the others find that it's some of the best food they've ever tasted! It even makes them feel lighter, -2 Encumbrance!

- Ratfink Babylon judges from a distance.

Total: 8000 exp

Loot:
- Last Breaths

- Child Meat (5 exp)

- Mushroom Spore-Hand

- Shrinking Violet Mushroom - eat to become 2' tall... permanently.
- Quicksilver Charm - Slow Time Field slows all in room until you leave it.
- Lachrymaxe - Greataxe that feeds on misery; torture someone to death over the course of 10 minutes with it to gain +1 to hit. Max +5. Resets at midday.
- Blast Armour. On Notch, detonates to blast all in 10' radius back 30' and deal d6 damage to all affected (Save vs Blast for half) including yourself; those blasted into walls take double damage.

- Quest Reward: 10 000 obols.

Total: 5 exp

Murders:

- Several long-limbed mutant children (50 exp)

Total: 50 exp

Carousing:

- Benito gains 300 exp!
- Hammer gains 500 exp!
- Mother Flotsam gains 200 exp!

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Treasurer (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)

- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 2 Fighter: 2614 (Level up at 4000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 2 Halfling: 2414 (Level up at 4000)

*LEVEL UP!* +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Mind Control! +1 to Cooking! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 2 Magic-User: 2314 (Level up at 4500)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Carter / Aline Dessend, Level 1 Necromancer: 2214 (Level up at 2250)

Session 444 - End of an Arc

 Date: 24 February 1626

Zenith: Deusix

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Let's End This Motherfucker

- Now, this is it! Now is the time to choose.

- The boss battle begins, a spear thrown by Hidra slices past the enemy's face.

- The enemy is named Un'Goth who is possessing Balagos, one of the three Necromancers who our heroes are trying to murder. Said heroes will murder him before the day is through.

- Skeletons emerge from berths in the far wall and unsheathe shadowy punch-daggers from their wrsits weapped in silver wire.

--- Swippety Swappety

- Ghost Snels turns and twists a key into the wall, opening a door to the Gardens of Ynn.

- Nieval the Good fires a magical crossbow bolt at Un'Goth on his throne. On contact, they swap places. Nieval sits upon a throne of bone, Un'Goth is in shoved out the door.
- Bye bitch!
- Un'Goth is now in the gardens. Nieval is now under assault by a bunch of freezing skeletons. Ideal.

--- Eye Scream

- Un-Goth grabs his eyes and THROWS them like bolas into the main hall! They click-clack around Snels's neck! The mental wrestle begins! Snels maintains his mind... for now.

- A ball made of meat and bone emerges from the door beside the throne. It is the Ponderous Orb, created from a load of skin kites wrapped around a sphere of bones, and it slurps down any flesh is makes contact with. It rolls over Nieval, who screams bloody murder.

--- All Mind

-Sulphur starts taking over the enemies, huffing down a Last Breath and demanding that they obey him. They are strong, so it takes time.
- In the mean time his undead tear chunks out of the enemy. Little by little they are thinning the swarm.

---Begone

- Un'Goth runs in from the door to Ynn and is immediately whipped back out by Hidra. Snels twists the key, jamming the key in the lock. Un'Goth is GONE!

- The ghost-skeletons are a real horror for our resident Necromancer, since every time one dies it possesses a nearby Dead entity.

- Nevertheless, after more near-death experiences than I expected and a LOT of flesh-eating from the Ponderous Orb, our heroes emerge triumphant!

--- Victory!

- Nieval sits upon the throne of bone. The others strip the silver wire from the enemy dead.

- They find the ritual that creates a Ponderous Orb in the next room, alongside a spellbook containing several other spells and many potions.

- In the meantime, Balagos, Mancy and Dargle have started to merge via maggots. They are slain via stomps.

- The soul-battleaxe of Castigate Pox is found amongst the treasures. A partnership between Hidra and Castigate is forged.

- After all this, our heroes decide to retire. Next time, the Wheatlands!

Retired:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 7 Boo-gilist:

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism

- Carter / Hidra, Level 6 Fighter

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 6 Specialist

Session 443 - Prepping for Ungoth

Date: 17 February 1626

Zenith: The Allfather

Moon Phase: New Moon

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- The Mysterious Child

- We return to our heroes as they stand in Mancy's bedroom, having just discovered the secret passage that leads upwards into the dark.

- Descending the stairs is a small girl-child in too-big Necromancer robes. She introduces herself as Apex, one of the best Necromancers around! Hidra stabs her with the Black Blade of the Dardanelles and she vanishes. Childish laughter echoes from above.

- Hidra lights a torch and ascends the stairs, followed by the others.

--- Curtainfall

- The stairs open out into a large room. A large but historically accurate sarcophagus is in the middle of the room. Steps ascend to an altar bearing golden cups, behind which is a big black curtain.

- Nieval approaches the golden cups and decides to poke the curtain just in case. Alas! It's a whole load of skin kites knitted together and painted black!

- Combat ensues, worst of which is the fact that attacking the curtain makes it split into two smaller skin kite curtains which attack (and absorb skin) separately!

- Hidra's attempts to burn the skin kites to death result in him also going on fire! The scraps of skin kite that separate set Nostradama on fire too!

- After a lot of punching, slashing, and skin-absorption, the skin kite curtain is defeated! Sulfur sends in his zombie horde to smother Hidra, while Nieval smothers Nostradama in the vanished necro-kid's robe.

--- Loot

- Nieval investigates the altar and finds seven golden cups, one of which is ruby-encrusted. He picks up the ruby one and... wow! It fills with wine, but hurts him a little to do so. It's good wine though.

- Hidra examines the sarcophagus, discovering that the inside of the lid is shiny. He lies inside it, closes the lid... and discovers that he can see the nearby landscape from a birds eye view!

- There's an ominous green glow coming from Morning Light Mountain's hole in the midst of the ominous spikes. A huge wooden goose pecks at the ground.

--- Uno Reverse

- They continue on and run into a pack of zombies and skeletons.

- Sulfur huffs Last Breath and subjugates half of them! The subjugated ones turn on their former fellows.

--- Ungoth Unveiled

- They reach a big throne room. Upon the throne is a guy in black-and-white checkered Necromancer robes and a skull wreathed in black flames! It's Ungoth!

- Capsule hotel berths in the wall contain shadowy skeletal figures.

- Mancy asks if he's found the Ponderous Orb spell yet. He has not... but monologues about how it was originally intended to destroy the Beast in the Core of the Earth but now he's going to use it to take over the world!!!

- Hidra chucks his spear, grazing Ungoth's burning skull face. It's on!

- ... next time! Because it's getting late.

Total: 6000 exp

Foes:

- Skin Kite Curtain (500 exp)

- Assorted lesser dead (100 exp)

Total: 600 exp

Loot:

- 6 golden cups (1800 exp)
- Goblet of Transubstantiation (800 exp)

Total: 2600 exp

OOC:

- Kitty the Chronicler (100 exp/level)

- Carter the Expedition leader (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

- Zoë the Chef (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Sulphur, Level 7 Boo-gilist: 73843 (Level up at 144000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Zoë / Nostradama, Level 6 Cleric of Nonanism: 57732 (Level up at 72000)

- Carter / Hidra, Level 6 Fighter: 46544 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Nieval the Good, Level 6 Specialist: 38919 (Level up at 56000)