Session 253 - We’re Not Here to Fuck Microwaves

Session 253 - We’re Not Here to Fuck Microwaves

Date:

December. 15 years after the End.

Character List:

- Andromeda, Andromedan Vampire / Kitty

- DJ, Intergalacticist Cleric / Charles

- Red, Duellist Fighter / Timothy
- Zulu Snakebite, Barbarian / Ollie
- Dargo, Inheritor / Russell
- Luna, Vampire / Johnathon
- Ratman, Ratman / Izzy

Foes:

- Disabled UFO weapons (1000 exp)
- “Disabled” a squad of space marines (500 exp)
Total: 1500 exp

Events:

--- Aftermath
- In the aftermath of the battle, Dargo digests the corpse of the powerful Barbarian woman to go along with her pet dinosaur. Together forever inside his bulk. Lovely.
- Zulu is discovered to be gone, having flown off on her antelope sleigh to deal with her Santa Claus duties. Luckily Beepbox has turned up! He quickly gets to work repairing one of the drones, speaking to it with his Styxian miracle, while Dargo hefts the rest in a big box onto his shoulder.
- The drone explains how it gained sentience after the humans messed around with the clocks, and flies up to scout. It tells Beepbox that it can see a stegosaurus in one direction, a strange goop in another, and of course the crashed UFO down the crash trail.

- Evil Rumours
- It’s decided to rest up and recuperate, several people got pretty hurt and the Clerics are low on miracles. After avoiding such perils as giant ants with the help of Beepbox’s drone friend, they arrive back at the campsite… only to discover that someone has discovered it first!
- There are bodies scattered around the place, open tents, and scattered equipment. Andromeda flicks through her vision modes and sees that there’s a man hiding in one of the tents!
- She bursts in and accosts him and the guy flails for his spear! He pleads for his life, and says he’s hiding from a glowing dinosaur with a gun! After a little more interrogation, Andromeda drains his blood and Dargo consumes him for information. They don’t believe the gun dinosaur story.
- Despite being unable to consume it, Andromeda offers to cook. DJ and the Ratman head out to forage and find nothing but some suspicious berries. Thankfully when they return they find that Andromeda’s cooking up a delicious dish - T-Rex steak on a bed of moss, with an optional compote of diarrhoea berries.

--- Evil Dinosaur
- The others sleep while the vampires Andromeda and Luna stay up talking about goth bands. As the night draws on, they see a red glow slipping through the trees…
- Andromeda turns into bat form and flies over to investigate, finding a man-high theropod with a glowing red gem in its chest! It seems to see her, and while she pretends to be a bat it extends shadowy tendrils and begins to climb the tree towards her…
- She bugs out, flying back to the camp and readying herself for battle! They decide not to wake up the others and thankfully the creature doesn’t follow. Phew!

--- Roll Out

- Refreshed after the night’s sleep, the party wake up into a humid morning that only threatens to get stickier as the day moves on.
- They discuss whether they’re going to be using the cool but radioactive space armour. The answer - who cares if they’ll get cancer in 30 years? Nobody’s living that long anyway! Everyone dons the space armour other than Dargo, who is simply too massive to be contained in such a small suit, and Beepbox who integrates a jump pack into his existing armour.
- It’s time to head to the UFO proper geared up with alien tech! On the way some buff dinosaurs are distracted by DJ plastering a screaming face to a termite mound.

--- Another Warzone!
- They follow the drone towards the UFO, hearing gunfire and seeing occasional energy-mortars falling from the sky. The drone diverts them slightly, bringing them to a bunch of Mod Cons pinned down behind a low rise. Between them and the UFO is a No Man’s Land littered with dead people and appliances!
- Beepbox gets the appliances to hold fire by talking to their washing machine commander, and DJ begins a brave assault on the enemy human forces! He jump-packs across the battlefield, stands atop the ridge, and blows a wave of classic chill-wave over the fighters. Everyone chills the fuck out, but DJ is framed atop the ridge and vulnerable to UFO turret-fire!
- Beepbox throws his foam gun to Andromeda and she warps over to the UFO with her void pet, foaming up one of the gun turrets. Dargo draws fire, grabbing a big boulder from the battlefield and defending Luna with it. DJ casts Abduct on a midair energy mortar… sending it hovering upwards and out of danger while Andromeda foams up the mortar itself!

- Red takes out the final gun, and DJ goes into the chill field to try to make peace with the woman whose armour he stole before. She’s having none of it, and the vibe begins to get weird…
- There’s nothing for it, he’s got to use his final option - Incite Orgy! A wave of lust emanates, pulling in pretty much everybody from around the battlefield, including the charging appliances…

--- Fuck Machines
- Red stares into the orgy zone with innocent fascination. Every time she looks away she forgets what she just saw, then when she looks back it’s the orgy again. Very strange. She even forgets what Dargo is doing with his tentacles.

- After a while she gets bored and checks out the UFO, soon finding a door. She bangs on the door until a man begrudingly answers. He’s a bit of a silver fox and he’s called George because I made up a name on the spot and apparently just say the names of absent players when they’re not there.

- Red spends the next half hour annoying people and generally being unseduced by George’s obvious seduction attempts. Most of the people in the ship are watching the screens, fascinated by the orgy outside.
- Eventually the orgy ends. The fighting is over now, they literally made love not war! They put their clothes back on, and making occasional awkward grins at each other and patting exhausted microwaves and automatic whisks. The washing machine commander puts himself on a strong rinse cycle.
- DJ’s lover, who says her name is Alice, staggers bow-legged over to the UFO and opens the door, letting everyone inside. The people within are confused, they were totally just watching something on the screens… but what? And why is everyone staggering to grab glasses of water and slices of pizza? Why is there a queue for the toilets? And why, most of all, does everyone seem to be friends with the Mod Cons now?

- Whatever the reason, it seems that the space marines and appliances are now at peace!

Total: 6000 exp

Team Bonus:

- Antagonist Appeaser bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Coitus boners
- Classic Charles bonus
- Diplomancy bonus
- Fame bonus
- Freudian bonus
- High as Fuck bonus
- Holy bonus
- Long Deliberation bonus
- Mad Inventor bonus
- Masterchef bonus
- Monster “Infighting” bonus
- Noblebright bonus
- Pitched Battle bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Tentacle Molestation bonus

Total: 850 exp

Individual Bonus:

- Chronicler (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Izzy / Ratman - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Charles / DJ - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Ollie / Zulu - 100 exp)

- Vanguard (Russell / Dargo - 100 exp)
- Chef (Jonathon / Luna - 100 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles, Red - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Kitty, Ollie, Izzy - 500 exp ea.)

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 7 Andromedan Vampire: 103262 (Level up at 144000)

- Charles / Dustin Johnson, Level 7 Intergalacticist Cleric: 102365 (Level up at 112000)

- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 71862 (Level up at 128000)

- Russell / Dargo, Level 6 Inheritor: 65716 (Level up at 72000)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 6 Ratman: 34938 (Level up at 48000)

- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 4 Cleric of the New Eden: 12655 (Level up at 14000)

- Jonathon / Luna, Level 2 Vampire Thrall: 3136 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1 HP! +Backstory!