Tuesday, 16 June 2026

Session 453 - Battenburgivore

Date: 9 July 1626

Zenith: Oberon
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  


New Characters:
- Arry Arlow, Once a desairologist (corpse beautician) and ex-Necromancer, he fell out of the game when he realised that he was better at stabbing people than raising the Dead. 


Events:

--- Return to the Worm
- Our heroes are outside the mouth of the huge multicoloured (and increasingly obviously tumourous) worm.
- They head back in and follow their previous route back in. The Nonanists briefly pray and discover that the God today is Oberon, +3 to Ranged.
- They try a new chamber (marbled indigo) and find themselves face to face with a couple of newly renamed "Virospidos", the 10-limbed spidery creatures with the whip-neck and a jagged poisoned beak.
- They are swiftly dispatched by Hammer Hatmaskerson and Arry Arlow, but not without Masnavi-y-Manavi getting stung by one of their poison beaks. He's now intoxicated and staggers behind.

--- Battenwurm
- There are several exits, but one smells of cake so of course they go that way.
- Within a hollow of iridescent puce they see a big fat honest-to-gods Battenburg cake fighting against that sort of worm-bodied wall-burrowing creature with a swiss-army knife of medical equipment for a mouth. They name the worm creature a Battenburgivore.
- The enormous battenburg is thrusting out yellow squares, punching away the Battenburgivore. Hammer and Arry run in to protect the cake, but Arry gets a slingstone to the back of his head courtesy of Mother Flotsam who forgot about the whole shooting into melee thing.
- Masvani slings his fishing rod to molest the far sphincter-door and causes it to close up over the Battenburgivore's worm body! The head squeals!
- The cake takes the opportunity to crush the worm monster with a couple of rapid punches from its pink squares. Victory!

--- Let Them Speak Cake
- The cake opens its innards and speaks warmly from within. Its name is Rudyard and he is from the Gardens of Ynn. His mind, once enveloped by the Idea of Thorns, is now converting to the Idea of Wheat. He thanks the party for their help and tells them that he is here to help reformat the worm.
- They speak with the cake. His entrance was via a tear in the worm that led from the Gardens of Ynn, and his cake-senses tell him that the worm's heart, its core, its cortex, is 6 "rooms" or blisters to the south.
- Masnavi uses a Shape Flesh spell to turn a Virospido from the previous room into an autonomous shield mounted on his walking crab throne.

--- Millions of Sleeches, Sleeches for Me
- The next room is globules upon globules of fluid. Gelatinous Sleeches slither along the walls. These are not renamed because it's a pretty good name. Treasures glimmer in the cracks.
- Mother Flotsam summons up something that is certainly not magic and is surrounded by thousands of flying blades of steely force. She strides forth and the sleeches pop around her, spraying the area with pools of quick-drying glue-blood. This bogs her down fairly swiftly.
- Hammer twists his hand as he releases his sling and spins the slingstone Wanted-style, whipping round the room and killing and/or hurting the remaining grubs.
- Mother Flotsam is covered in clear glue, but she keeps her feet.
- Hammer wades in to finish off the last of them and his victory coccoons him in quick-dry sleech guts. He's basically entombed in resin.
- Masvani has the answer - Embalm! This niche spell turns dead creatures' innards to formaldehyde. The sleech-goo is transubstantiated into pungent yellow liquid, dripping off our stunned and slowed compatriots. A true success for a supposedly useless incantation!

- Squeezing out the Treasure
- There is an abundance of stuff enfolded within the creases of the sleech room.
- Mother Flotsam discovers two wens filled with gold dust, and a highly elastic piece of skin 1' wide.
- Hammer gains Sleech nodules which are worth money, a globule of carmine humour which causes Bleed in a radius when popped, and a Bronze Seed that is forever nice and warm like a hot water bottle.
- Masvani gains a tight-knit fragment of fleebrweb which acts as a fine sieve, eight small crystals worth 20 obols each, and a chunk of scabrous gold-flecked scab worth 170 obols.

--- Heartbound
- They decide to run forth. Several chambers are in their way, but they follow the low heartbeat until the reach the heart, the cortex.
- They enter and see a transparent heart pulsing. Within the heart, dancing and drawing unknown shapes upon the atria, is an Elf with huge horizontal ears, a simple shift, and eyes that leak blood.
- She turns at the sound of our heroes entering her domain. She rejects beauty, and is from the Gardens of Ynn. Her existence, so long overtaken by the Idea of Thorns is being subverted by the Idea of Wheat. She hasn't had a name for it before.
- She is very much a potential boss fight, and so we end before it gets complicated.

Total: 7000 exp


Foes Defeated:
- A couple of Virospidos (100 exp)
- A Battenburgivore (75 exp)
- An abundance of Sleechers (300 exp)
Total: 475 exp


Treasures Claimed:
- Gold dust in two plump wens (350 exp)
- Stretchy Fleebr skin
- 4 Sleecher nodules worth 80 obols together (80 exp)
- A further 4 Sleecher nodules worth 80 obols together (80 exp)
- Glob of carmine humour creates Bleed Poison zone 20'.
- Bronze Seed is forever warm
- Fragment of fleebrweb acts as fine sieve
- 8 small crystals worth 160 obols together (160 exp)
- Gilded scab fragment (170 exp)
Total:840 exp


OOC:
- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- Ratman the Caller (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)



Exp Totals:
- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 20678 (Level up at 32000)
- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 5 Necromancer: 19164 (Level up at 36000)
- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 13494 (Level up at 18000)
- J Gregory / Arry Arlow, Level 2 Fighter: 2050 (Level up at 4000)
*LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!


Tuesday, 2 June 2026

Session 452 - Lo! 't Is a gala night

 Date: 26 May 1626

Zenith: Deusix
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous
Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)  

Revealed Backstory:
- Hammer Hatmakerson sought revenge against Celebus after being comprehensively mogged. I have no idea what these words mean. When you die, roll on the Cosmic Horror table.
- Mother Flotsam ran into the woods in her youth, following a red riding hood storyline. Alas she met he Devil himself who brought her to deeper knowledge. Witchcraft is in your bones.

--Events

--- Certain Ideals
- Our heroes are at Mt Grumblebelch after at least one night of boozing.
- They question the Dwarfs and discover that they've delved too greedily and too deep.
- They hear of two easy options - kill a big worm that has infested the layer between the stone and the flesh, or enter a strange temple unearthed recently.
- They take the worm option.

-- A Mouth Luminous
- It takes hours but they eventually end up in front of the lips of an extraordinary worm. The Dwarves basically just say "yes that's it".
- The lips of the worm sparkle with colours heretofore unseen. Saturated colour from hot pink all the way though to dull grey.
- Our heroes enter.

-- Gold Devourer
- Hammer Hatmakerson, truest hero, strides forth into the maw. Fronds in the worms' throat reach into his backpack and trousers, fritzing him for gold objects. Alas, they find nothing of value.
- Masnavi shudders as the fronds start to lick up his gold coins. With a flick of the capitalist wrist, he converts his gold into obol tattoos. Somewhere Julgoor cackles.
- Hammer tickles the fleshy fronds before him and they sigh apart.

--- Totally Tubular
- Chambers are explored despite Charles' admonitions that this worm doesn't make sense from a biological perspective. It's mutant and growing, I swear.
- They reach a (the?) fleebrweb and Benito lobs a molotov into the mess of strands. Everything burns.
- This horrifies the host worm. The floor shakes. Everyone other than the extremely powerful Hammer Hatmakerson falls to the wormy ground.

--- Worm Time
- Benito sees a worm flexing forth and (roll roll) takes it over with his mental prowess. It's a tube of gristle wrapped around a long line of technological surgical equipment. It obeys him nevertheless.
- I draw some eyes on my hand and Zoë pack-bonds immediately.
- They stroke open the next door and find themselves in a fleebrweb! There are many fleebrs. Benito chucks a molotov and the fleebrs are all but gone.

--- Stinging Being
- The next cavity contains a ten-legged thing whose legs surround a disk-shaped body. It's awful. Beneath its body is a scorpion tail.
- Benito spins food towards it. It grabs, grips, and devours.
- They chase it into another room where it is assailed by a red worm. Both beasties battle to the death.

- Fear of Assailaints
- Tremors abound. Our heroes avaunt into a side room, closing the fronds behind.
- They decide to cook a meal they call "Slimy but Satisfying" created from Sleech, cored-out red worm, and wheat. It's way better than you'd think!

Total: 8000 exp


FOEs
- A couple of red worms (200 exp)
Total: 200 exp

Exp:
- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 5 Fighter: 18628 (Level up at 32000)
- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 4 Necromancer: 17114 (Level up at 18000)
- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 4 Halfling: 15911 (Level up at 16000)
- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 4 Magic-User: 11444 (Level up at 18000)
- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 3 Goblin: 7597 (Level up at 8000)