Session 186 - POWERLAD Aims for the Crotch

A big one where lots of weird shit went down! A big complicated fight against a kid which occurred partially in the Upside Down, an alien dong, and a blood orgy.

What fun!

POWERLAD apologises a lot Zena returns!! Carrie gets sucked into a mirror Synthia eats a kid Styx teaches kids about the futility of prejudice

Dumbledorris is overcome with passion

Do read the lengthy POWERLAD romance novel excerpt attached! Such smut! Were there always multiple writers? Was Galaxy Johnson a psuedonym? Theories abound in the POWERLAD fandom!

Also POWERLAD as harem anime protag confirmed.

- So many minis now! Don't they look wonderful?

Session 186 - POWERLAD Aims for the Crotch

Campaign Date:

Friday, 12 April, 1601

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Zodiac: Pisces

New Backstory:

- Dumbledorris remained silent when Galaxy Johnson made that blunder mentioning the demons last session, leading to his death. (+1 HP when a randomly targeted effect hits someone else)

Treasure and Equipment:

- Discovered that the special Duvan’Ku Book #102 “Prayers for the Dying” summons a wiggly monster when flipped like a flip book.
- A Necromantic grimoire whose text is fading away
- A mysterious alien tome (1000 exp)
- Space junk worth 5sp, 4cp (6 exp)

Total: 1006 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- Two small children (1000 exp)
- A phallic alien (10 exp)

Total: 1010 exp

Exploration:

- Investigated the Fallen Star (200 exp) - Found the children in the forest (200 exp) - Travelled 12 miles (40 exp) - First party to enter Crantock (100 exp)

Total: 540 exp

Events:

--- Single and ready to Mingol

- The Guber hovers back into the town of Mingol, conveniently turning up at about the same time as Carrie Meleste who has been carried in from the south on her gimp-borne palanquin. (50 exp)
- On the way, Styx managed to get his Mardük-worshipping minion Bones to listen to a sermon by one of the blue goblins in Gullet. Bones gains the ability to see artifice. (50 exp)

- POWERLAD and Andromeda meet the rest in town, POWERLAD awkwardly parrying Andromeda’s romantic advances. He explains what’s going on - there’s some sort of mystery in this town involving the disappearance of men, children, and beasts. (50 exp)
- A helpful woman fills Carrie Meleste in on the specifics. A star fell, then animals started going missing, then the men, and now the children! It must be something to do with the nearby abandoned Satanic Temple dungeon! (50 exp)
- Where did the star fall? Well, nowhere near the Satanic Temple admittedly. It fell on the whole other side of town. But it’s totally the devil worshippers up in the mountains! All quest-related problems can be solved by completing a nearby dungeon! Please you gotta help us! (50 exp)

- POWERLAD got a note from Gifflewim telling him that the dungeon’s got nothing to do with the disappearances though, even though it’s probably got a ton of treasure in it. Off to the fallen star to investigate the real mystery it is! (50 exp)
- Before they set off, though, POWERLAD shows everyone the cool Duvan’Ku book he found. It’s a simple matter of Read Magic and the quasi-magical text of the book is readable! (50 exp)
- It’s called Prayers for the Dying and has a lot of spooky evil-sounding psalms and stuff in it. It’s also got a sort of flipbook thing going on in the corner. POWERLAD tries flipping it and… (50 exp)
- A wiggly squiggly mass of lines erupts from the book! It strikes POWERLAD with a two-dimensional doodly spike to the arm, leaving a big birthmark inkblot! (50 exp)
- He drops the book, surprised, and sees Andromeda running to his aid. The inkblot forms into a really bad tattoo of Andromeda’s face with a terrible stick and poke “PWRLAD <3 Andromead” message under it. Oh no. (50 exp)

- Beams of lightning burst from the Guber’s twin lances and shock the monster, to limited effect. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD has this well in hand though. He obliterates it with the thousand hits of a Magic Missile Punch. (50 exp)
- Phew! With that sorted, they all hop in the Guber and ride off to find the fallen star. No harm done other than the terrible tat, that’s going to be hard to explain to Bertha. (50 exp)
--- Children of the forest

- The trail up the mountains towards the fallen star is a tough route to traverse by hovercar, but they manage. There’s a plume of sparkling smoke rising from somewhere ahead that probably marks the impact site. (50 exp)

- At a place where the path wends between a steep slope and a scrubby forest, POWERLAD hears a child’s laughter from the trees. He can’t not investigate! (50 exp)
- Spreading his enormous wings, POWERLAD swoops over the half-dead treeline. He spots a kid and swoops down to talk to them. The kid’s pretty chatty! He says that he and his friends are up here playing! (50 exp)
- Meanwhile, part-translucent Synthia sneaks into the woods too. She sneaks up on a couple of three year olds who are distracted looking at POWERLAD. She jumps out and scares them! (50 exp)
- The kids scream and toddle off terrified. One falls over and smacks its head, wailing. An older kid runs out of a copse to comfort them. Turns out there are heaps of children up here! (50 exp)
- Carrie Meleste is borne forth on her palanquin, which folds out into a travel pulpit. She casts Enthrall, casting her voice out into the woods, drawing the rapt attention of all the kids. (50 exp)
- “Go on home! Your parents miss you! You don’t have permission to be out here! Wouldn’t you like to sleep in your own bed?” she booms, and a whole lot of children emerge. She’s right! (50 exp)

- There is one dissenter, another child’s voice yelling “no don’t go! Stay and play with me!”, clearly having a tantrum. Underneath Carrie’s lectern, the ground becomes a mirror… (50 exp)
- Carrie looks down and sees a girl with long lank hair reflected “above” her, though there is no girl actually there. There’s a wrench and a great sense of vertigo as Carrie is pulled into the world behind the mirror… (50 exp)
- She leaves behind a flickering mirror-swapped version of herself that falls to its knees in prayer. The gimps don’t know what to do. (50 exp)

- Seeing all these “monsters” suddenly appearing, the kids go crazy! Screaming and running around the forest, it’s chaos! (50 exp)

--- Mirror Madness
- In the mirror world there is nobody but Carrie, the girl, and the empty forest. The girl giggles, floating overhead. “Play with me!”. Carrie feels her essence bleeding away into the real world. (50 exp)
- Carrie proselytises, trying to get the girl to turn from her evil ways to the light of God, but the girl’s having none of it. “Your silly gods have no power here! They cannot see beyond the mirror!” (50 exp)

- She can still hear muffled noises from the real world. There’s some real craziness going on out there, and she knows her gimps will be trying to help her get out! (50 exp)
- Carrie tries running away, but finds only the empty forest stretching away forever. The girl giggles. Suddenly the world is plunged into darkness, to the delight of the floating child! (50 exp)
- Carrie continues fading away, but there’s a sudden sound of shock and fear from the little girl. She cries out for her sister - “Apex! Apex no!” and her voice fades out. Whether she’s fled the distance or another place is hard to tell. (50 exp)
- The darkness suddenly turns to piercing white. Carrie sees that her hands are mostly transparent, she’s fading fast, and then… (50 exp)
- She’s in the real world. Dumbledorris and some goblins are playing games with children. Her gimps are running to her in joy. Styx is crouched over the mirrored ground which glows with bright light. Somewhere close, POWERLAD says “oh god I’m so sorry” over the sobbing of a young girl. (50 exp)
- There’s one strange artifact of her ordeal - she’s been reflected! She swapped dominant hands, scars, and other features. Her gimps look upon her in wonder. (50 exp)
--- POWERLAD punches a kid

- While shit was going down in the mirror world, a whole other kind of shit was going down in the real world! (50 exp)
- As Carrie gets swip-swapped into the mirror world, Synthia hears some spooky chanting and runs towards the children’s copse to find the girl who’s causing all this. The woods are dense, and though she can hear the chants she can’t find the kid. (50 exp)
- Carrie’s gimps realise that the mirror copy is getting more substantial by the moment and try to get “their” Carrie out by stamping on the mirror to little effect. (50 exp)

- Styx tries to counteract it with a Take Light glyph, causing a sphere of dense shadow to fall over the area. The world inside the mirror is plunged into darkness. (50 exp)

- Meanwhile Dumbledorris is trying to entertain the frightened kids with the classic children’s game “Roll the Barrel”. A classic. Some of the kids are amused, but it’s not working super great. (50 exp)
- Charles turns up and apparently Zena was inside the barrel! What a shock! Since she’s human the kids all think this is a great joke. Zena rolls out and heads into the forest to try to help. (50 exp)

- Dumbledorris keeps playing with the young ones, leading them towards the cart and Styx’s goblins who are naturally rather childish themselves. The village children learn a real lesson about judging people by the colour of their skin. (50 exp)
- Soon all the kids are at the cart, playing roll-the-barrel and dodgy goblin games like tic-tac-toe. What a lovely day out! (50 exp)
- Deeper into the forest, Synthia finds the necromancer girl just in time to hear her say “Unleash your Inner Child!”. Synthia feels a horrible pain in her chest and collapses to the ground, convulsing. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD rushes in, following the stamped-down trail left by Synthia, and with the gentlest of touches casts a Sleep Slap on the chanting child!! (50 exp)
- It fizzles. This kid’s powerful! The child finishes her next spell, saying “pain shall never hurt me!” and touching her palms to her own forehead. Nothing else seems to happen… (50 exp)
- POWERLAD’s had enough of this and punches her with all his might! It’s a crit! A spinning super punch combo! Finish her! (50 exp)

- This massive blue muscular man spins low and punches the kid right in the groin. She falls to the ground, sobbing. POWERLAD’s hands go to his mouth, “oh my god I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! Oh my gosh!” (50 exp)

- At that very moment, Synthia’s convulsions stop… and a smaller version of her bursts out from the rapidly decohering clay corpse! She dives directly at the sobbing Necromancer kid, swallowing her up in a bubbling mass of demonic digestive enzymes! (50 exp)

- Zena turns up at exactly the worst moment, seeing a literal demon eating a literal child while POWERLAD looks on, horrified! (50 exp)
- She activates her lightning spear and rushes forward to attack, but POWERLAD holds her back. A real-world debate ensues. (50 exp)
- Synthia, meanwhile, begins digesting the child’s Necromancer powers. Yum yum. (50 exp)
- The debate rages on! Zena is supposed to kill all demons, and this is happening right in front of her! POWERLAD tries to say that they need all the help they can get at the end of the world! Even though, to be fair, Synthia is in fact eating a child right now! (50 exp)
- Meanwhile, Dumbledorris and Styx are loading the young kids onto the Guber so they can take them home to their parents. Styx, the goblins, and a couple of gimps will help keep them occupied. (50 exp)
- The Guber hovers off, the kids waving goodbye to “Auntie Dorris”. It may not seem like it, but playing with the kids actually helped out a lot. (50 exp)
- They head down to the town, the kids getting taught how to use runes and being allowed to fire the lightning cannons a few times. What fun! (50 exp)
- POWERLAD and Zena are still arguing when Ollie points out that they’ve been going on for a full real-world ten minutes, which is all the time Synthia needs to finish digesting the kid! (50 exp)
- Synthia reabsorbs her body into the small twelve year old size that she now inhabits. She’s got ponytails now… and the ability to cast a Necromancer spell if she burns a Meat Point. It’ll need to be swapped into her head, but it’ll work! (50 exp)
- She goes through the kid’s memory. She was called Apex, and her spellbook is a kid’s notebook that’s fallen by her side. The text seems to be fading, but if Synthia’s quick she’ll be able to research a spell out of it! (50 exp)
- Zena sees the small child and is reminded of her daughter. The bloodlust fades… for now. (50 exp)
- The Guber returns and picks everyone up. The chaos is over with no party fatalities, albeit Carrie is mirror-flipped and Synthia’s a preteen now. Could be worse! (50 exp)
--- Space orgy
- They drive on, heading for the sparkling steam of the fallen star. As they approach they hear a lot of pleasurable moans coming from the crater… (50 exp)
- Scattered around the impact site are fragments of silvery metal. Very lightweight and smooth. The sounds of pleasure get louder as the party approaches. (50 exp)
- They look over the lip and it’s fucking crazy. The crater is knee-deep with blood and viscera, blood-covered men wearing animal skins fucking each other in a massive gay orgy, an extremely phallic monstrous being walking around slurping up the red muck. (50 exp)
- It’s clearly walking around a shattered metal hemisphere in the centre of the crater, some sort of crashed vessel like a pocketwatch exploded. (50 exp)

- The penis monster turns its great head towards the party and waves of psychic force wash over them. The message resolves in Andromeda’s head as  “KILL! KILL! MUST FEED! KILL!”, but everyone else understands the message as “Please, I am lost and hungry! Feed me please! I require fresh meat for sustenance!” (50 exp)
- Many in the party are overcome with aggression as the psionic force beats down inside their heads, manifesting as great pain. Dumbledorris keeps flipping between anger and arousal. The men below shimmer between being total hotties or ravening beasts. (50 exp)

- POWERLAD fights through the pain and staggers towards the beast, wading past rutting bodies through knee-deep blood. It’s a real struggle. (50 exp)
- Zena remembers her special red and blue glasses, where one lens shows you the truth and the other shows things as you wish them to be. She looks through the reality lens and the psychic message pulsing in her head resolves into its true meaning. (50 exp)
- “Greetings, Earthlings! I an Nrrrgxtstslo of Antares 6! My vessel was damaged and crashed here! These poor deluded fellows cannot understand me properly, but I mean no harm! I merely require feed animals for sustenance. Please, I can feel my wife coupling with another back on my home planet as revenge for my long absence. Is there a remote uplink nearby? Or perhaps an emergency repair pod? I feel like I’m causing a ruckus just by being here, I didn’t mean to be a bother!” (50 exp)
- POWERLAD punches it in the balls. (50 exp)
- It’s a trademark patent pending DRAGON PUNCH! Ninhursag’s illusory form roars behind POWERLAD as the penis monster explodes! It only had 2 HP. (50 exp)
- A psychic wave blasts out, causing everyone to clutch at their heads, “please, I just want to go home…” (50 exp)
- The monster explodes into bright green blood. The silver metal of its spaceship loses its lustre. The men look around in shock, “Wait a second, I thought you were your wife!” and similar shouts of despair and accusation erupt. Except for one guy who’s just trying to hide this big grin. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD, shocked by the sheer lack of boss fight, tells all the guys to go home to their families. Up to them whether they tell their wives what actually happened up here. (50 exp)
- Zena and Synthia investigate the wreckage of the ship, finding a book and some valuable bits of metal that might be worth a few silver. Cool. (50 exp)
- Styx hoses the nude blood-covered men down with runes and sends them on their way - no room for their nude asses in the Guber. (50 exp)
--- To the library!
- Synthia needs to get to a library to research a spell from the kid’s spellbook before it fades away. There’s one in Dwimmermount allegedly, so POWERLAD flies her off in that direction. The others will follow in the Guber. (50 exp)
- Unfortunately as they get closer they realise that there’s a hole in the grid-like pattern of angel platforms in the sky - one of them has descended onto Dwimmermount. The great bronze petals of its wings enfold the mountain. (50 exp)
- Worse, flickering blue-white stasis beams shoot up at them from the mountain. The angels have air defences! Realising it’s going to be harder than they thought to get back into Dwimmermount, POWERLAD banks and takes Synthia back towards the Guber. (50 exp)
--- Kicked out of Crantock
- They meet back up with the rest of the party in Crantock. It’s late in this small town, the most prominent feature is its old monastery. That might have a library! (50 exp)
- POWERLAD makes a lot of ruckus, waking up the villagers who immediately hate him. Nobody’s going to give him a room. Don’t they know who he is?! (50 exp)
- Annoyed at the townspeople, POWERLAD and the rest head a little way off the road and set up Styx’s tents. POWERLAD begrudgingly shapes crude shelters from the earth and they stay for the night. Tomorrow - to Dwimmermount! (50 exp)
Total: 4050 exp

Misc:

- Aggressive Negotiations bonus (50 exp)
- Antagonist Antagoniser bonus (50 exp)

- Balls to the Wall bonus (50 exp)

- Best of Intentions bonus (50 exp)

- Brutal Kill bonus (50 exp)

- Child Murderer bonus (50 exp)

- Child Saviour bonus (50 exp)

- Coitus boners (50 exp)

- Classic Charles bonus (50 exp)

- Dramatic Battle bonus (50 exp)

- Dramatic Rescue bonus (50 exp)

- Enmity Inciter bonus (50 exp)

- Fame bonus (50 exp)

- Freudian bonus (50 exp)

- Homoerotic bonus (50 exp)

- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus (50 exp)

- Internecine Strife bonus (50 exp)

- Long Deliberation bonus (50 exp)

- Ludicrous Gore bonus (50 exp)

- Noblebright bonus (50 exp)

- Nutshot bonus (50 exp)

- Mad Inventor bonus (50 exp)

- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)

- Schindler’s bonus (50 exp)

- Shunga bonus (50 exp)

- Split the Party bonus (50 exp)

- SpoOoOOoOoky bonus (50 exp)

- Vore bonus (50 exp)

- War Crime bonus (50 exp)
Total: 1450 exp

Party Roles and Individual Exp:

- Remembrancer (Carter / Styx - 100 exp)

- Mapper (Carter / Styx - 100 exp)

- Quartermaster (Ollie / Synthia - 100 exp)

- Guard (Kitty / POWERLAD - 100 exp)

- Art Attack bonus (Ollie - 100 exp)
- Attacco d’Arte bonus (Ollie - 100 exp) - Fiction Fanatic bonus (Carter - 100 exp) - Fiction Fantastic bonus (Carter - 100 exp)

- Chippo Man bonus (Carter*2, Susie*2 - 100 exp ea.)

Active Businesses:

- Knickers Gloves Bodices. Risky. 1020sp. (Ratimir)

- Blood Honey Healing 4 U (Co-dependent businesses)

--- Honey Healing. Safe. 1084sp. (Bertha)

--- Blood Honey 4 U. Safe. 10410sp. (Sir Robyn)

Rumours:

-

Death Toll and Injuries:

- Carrie Meleste is mirror-flipped but otherwise fine
- Synthia is the size of a 12 year old but likewise otherwise fine

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / High Priest POWERLAD!, Level 7 Muscle Wizard: 113359 (Level up at 144000)

-- Devotee of Ninhursag, Bond 10 (-50% exp)

--- Andromeda, Level 2 Muscle Wizard: 4231 (Level up at 4500)

---- Devotee of Ereshkigal, Bond 6 (-30% exp) ---- Devotee of Ninhursag, Bond 2 (-10% exp)

- Andy / Carrie Meleste, Level 6 Termaxian Cleric: 52811 (Level up at 56000)

--- 4 Henchmen Undeserving of Names, Level 0 Bootlickers

- Charles / Zena, Level 6 Fighter: 45942 (Level up at 64000)

- Carter / Styx, Level 6 Goblin: 35024 (Level up at 64000)

--- Styx's minions, Level 0 Goblin Buddies

- Ollie / Synthia, Level 5 Inheritor: 24639 (Level up at 36000)

-- Devotee of Ninhursag, Bond 2 (-10% exp)

- Suzanne / Dumbledorris2, Level 3 Inheritor: 6549 (Level up at 9000)

Absent or Retired:

- James / Ratimir, Level 6 Ratman: 31216 (Level up at 48000)

- Timothy / Spider Squad, Level 4 Spider Extras: 7366 (Level up at 12000)

- Timothy / Sir Robyn, Level 6 Magic-User: 60599 (Level up at 72000)

- Elias / Raivo, Level 1 Barbarian: 938 (Level up at 2000)

- Tom / Hacker's Halberdiers, Level 3 Extras: 5598 (Level up at 6000)

- Andrea / Marjorie, Level 1 Halfling: 1111 (Level up at 2000)

- Fraser / Mori, Level 5 Elf (Worriganger): 24025 (Level up at 48000)

- Issy / Sturdy, Level 2 Dwarf: 3596 (Level up at 4400)   

- The Dwarfs

--- Randy, Level 4 Hench-Dwarf: 9884 (Level up at 17600)

--- Gav, Level 0 Inclusion

- Tom / Clarence Eclair, Level 3 Specialist: 3040 (Level up at 6000)

- Tom / Aces Fontaine, Level 1 Specialist: 869 (Level up at 1500)

- Kitty / Bertha, Level 4 Necromancer: 9931 (Level up at 18000)

- Imran / Friar, Level 1 Magic User: 1040 (Level up at 2250)

- Yuri / Bjorn Gunnerson, Level 2 Barbarian: 2278 (Level up at 4000)

- Sunni / Larry's Legends, Level 1 Extras: 758 (Level up at 1500)

- Fraser / Tippin, Level 1 Ratman: 1458 (Level up at 1500)

- Tom / Meteor Power Shower, Level 2 Barbarian: 3061 (Level up at 4000)

- Nix's Retainer

--- Huz, Level 0 Hireling

- Tom / Spicy Mac, Level 2 Halfling: 3457 (Level up at 4000)

- Eleanor / Mugg, Level 2 Fighter: 2357 (Level up at 4000)

- Kyle / Gimlass the Brave, Level 2 Dwarf: 2257 (Level up at 4400)

- Amar / Amar's Cleric, Level 1 Cleric: 1413 (Level up at 1750)

- Henry / Henry's Next Character: +2084 exp

- Ollie / Tremendo Picante, Level 2 Ratman: 2654 (Level up at 3000)

- James / Raaf van Held, Level 4 Fighter: 14838 (Level up at 16000)

- Eglė / Bob, Level 1 Dwarf: 434 (Level up at 2200)

- Will / Cecil Fulbright, Level 5 Cleric (Termaxian): 15063 (Level up at 28000)

- James / William Fox-Shitt, Level 3 Cleric (Zeanist): 4571 (Level up at 7000)