Session 463 - Am Nae a Fookin Octopus

 Date: 15 September 1626

Zenith: Alaunus

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Mother Swan experienced a very hot summer in Swan's basement, but she stayed in there for 77 years regardless. +2 Wisdom

Events:

--- Straight Down

- There is a monstrosity in the basement of the shattered church, and our heroes are very up for murdering it.

- They descend down into the crypt, Mother Swan poking ahead with a very big candle.

- They shove aside a couple of bloated corpses and stride through the shin-high water.

- Mother Swan's candle turns out to be a great idea! A big bloated porcupine fish explodes ahead of her when it's dredged up.

--- Food Fight

- Mother Swan notices an octopus monching a corpse and bashes it with the butt of his rifle so she can make dinner out of it later.
- Alas, octopi are resistant to bashing damage! The irritated cephalopod leaps at the old lady and chokes the fuck out of her with its many limbs!

- Mother Swan tries to resist, but the octopus judo-throws her into the scummy water and bites her foot off! Holy shit!

- The others try to help to no avail, the octopus is just that good!

- Mother Swan finally manages to kick the octopus away and kill it with some technically outdated dagger rules. It's gone! Her foot is gone too though.

--- "Run Awaaaaay!!!" -Odysseus

- They flee, Mother Swan being dragged out of the doomed locale by a youngish guy and a fellow old woman.
- There's an awful door opening noise from below, so Mother Swan sends her familiar down there to distract whatever it is. It casts Summon and conjures a slimy snake which acts as a very efficient distraction.

- They drag her to the boat and sail away, noticing a horrible fish amalgam watching them from the ruined church after it destroys the summoned creature.

- Masvani's got the foot issue covered, which is very nice from a Necromancer perspective. He swip-swaps a new foot onto Mother Swan, which will work great up until she hits 0HP again.

--- Yom yom

- They fish and plan their next meal. Mother Swan fishes up a very tasty Blistered Seahorse (or the salty blisters are tasty, at least) while Mother Flotsam fishes up Blood Cod (skulls for the skull abalone... we'll workshop it)

- It's called "Beak of the Octopus That Bit You" and contains Octopus, Blood Cod and Blistered Seahorse. It's yummy!

--- The Long Way Round

- Given that there's a spooky figure spooking around the church, they decide to take the overland route, parking up at a beach to the east and walking over via the graveyard.

- The boat creeps round via the water, and Mother Swan spiderclimbs her way up to the belfry. Below she can see that the church has a floor of ankle-high fish guts, and (horror of horrors!) a load of evil octopuses wiggling through the detritus.

--- Suicide Boys

- The others spend a while gathering flammable guano and chucking it into an emptied coffin. Masvani gives it to a skeleton and has it run into the church, detonating in a glorious fireball! There's a delicious smell of cooked fish from within.

- There are only 6 octopoids in there, rather than the hundreds they'd all been scared of, so they run in and start stabbing!

- Much relatively embarrassing rolls occur, but when the dust settles the octopi are dead!

--- Fairy Story

- A horrible gurgling burbling noise comes from below, and the evil creature emerges from the depths! It's a mass of nasty half-dead fish and has tentacles for days!
- Mother Flotsam doesn't care. She polymorphs it into a mantis shrimp which can only turn back if it punches a royal. Very cool!

- They plop it into a glass of sea water so they can use it as a grenade in future.

--- Tasty Treats

- We round off the evening with "HyperJesus Christ That's a Lot of Octopus" which is largely an octopus-based dish, albeit with seaweed (for the umami) and bread (for dipping). It's delicious!

Total: 9000 exp

Foes Dismantled:

- Lots of octopuses (50 exp)

- The big boss, mantisised (80 exp)

Total: 130 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 49929 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 6 Magic-User: 37809 (Level up at 72000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- George / Mother Swan, Level 3 Magic-User: 7450 (Level up at 9000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 462 - The Broken Church

Date: 8 September 1626

Zenith: The Dead God

Moon Phase: Waning Crescent

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Events:

--- Heavenly Speculation

- We return (with... half a laptop screen...) to the party looking over the edge of the massive sinkhole where Fortress-City Fate used to be. They're all aboard Masvani's walking boat which plods along on many skeleton legs, deciding their next course of action.
- There is some discussion on the merits of returning Mars to the heavens. Back in the Christmas Special, retired character Hidra removed Mars from a magical orrery, precipitating the current space elf attacks and subsequent Red Elf refugee crisis. Maybe replacing Mars would make them go back?

- A discussion for another time, perhaps.

- In the mean time it is decided that we're off on a nautical expedition!

--- Down By the River

- Names are mooted for the big sinkhole. Charybdis. The Maelstrom. The Massive Hole. No matter the name, there's one big issue - the current on either side will drag any ship down!

- Thus they walk the boat a bit further along until they get to a cliff low enough to jump down.

- Heavy clouds rumbling with intracloud lightning rest softly overhead, but there's no rain. The wind blows from the south-east, billowing the sails of the skeleton-legged ship as it leaps ungracefully from the shore and plops down into the water!

- Mother Flotsam spies a church on the islet at the mouth of the river, and the boat paddles against the flow (some speculation - is it still "downstream" if you're going against the current?) to go check it out.

--- Priest of a Shattered Church

- They arrive to find the church in pieces. Most of the nave has crumbled into the sea, leaving just the transept perched on the edge of the cliff. There's a priest sitting on the remnants up there, fishing into the submerged rubble below, and he's just caught a horrible gribbly thing which he seems very happy about!

- They hail him and chat. He says there's a ton of treasure down there, and up in the church for that matter. This whets everyone's appetites for loot, of course!
- Benito orders his butler to dive in and look around. He finds a Ghost Bomb shaped like a sea mine!

- The others decide to root around too and find various loot in the form of candle stands, engraved plates, and shiny knick-knacks.

- The priest is somewhat offended but nevertheless throws down a rope ladder to allow the party to climb up. He is adamant that no arms and armour are allowed inside the church, so anyone who wants to stay in armour (like, say Masvani) aren't allowed in.

- He's also a racist so doesn't want Goblinda and her (very trendy) Goblins to enter either.

--- Tricksy Hobbitses

- The older ladies (Mothers Flotsam and Swan) are allowed up because they seem harmless.

- Benito in his childlike guise climbs up and, when helped up over the edge by the priest, attempts to Dominate! It works! This releases his hold on his butler, of course, who gleefully jumps overboard to escape and... is sucked away by the current. Alas, Butler Dave, we knew you all too briefly.

- The priest, whose name is Father Clement, is swiftly renamed Priest Dave.

- Mother Flotsam, meanwhile, has had a look around. There's an altar where the top surface has been shifted aside to reveal stairs going down, and she pulls aside a curtain to discover a fire around which more bedrolls than one priest would need are arrayed. Something's up!

- There's a shout from above and several arrows sing towards her! There are people up in the rafters, and indeed the rafters themselves are crisscrossed with boards to make it easier to get around up there!

- Mother Flotsam uses her backstory power to find a helpful stranger and... dear lord... a talking Moray Eel is here! It yells encouragement.

--- Battle Above

- The jig is well and truly up. The archers above leap nimbly across their boards, staying out of sight, as various characters shimmy up the rope ladder and into combat.
- Mother Flotsam throws her taxidermied cat up there with its prepared Razor Spiral spell and creates a slicing area of AoE razorblades! This flushes the archers out of cover, and into the line of sight of Benito and Masvani who've been aiming just for this reason! Bullets ping and ricochet!

- "Priest Dave" aka Father Clement reveals to Benito that he's really a serial killer called Clement the Slasher and the priest thing was all a ruse. He runs over to a massed pile of pews and shimmies up the hidden ladder to attack his former friends.

- One of the archers kills the cat, but the razor spiral continues. 

- Mother Swan pulls Mother Flotsam back out of the line of fire in an act of old lady solidarity. Flotsam whips a stone from her sling up at the archers and corks his arm!

- The first of the archers falls, splatting to the stone floor of the church.

--- Goblin Nonsense

- Goblinda finally makes it up to the church, slowed by her Goblin crew's insistence on beatboxing their way up. They form a tower of goblins and wobble towards the archers. Clement slashes the hamstrings of one of his former fellows before Goblinda pokes him off the battlements with her paddle. The man falls and is impaled on a candle stand.

- Soon there is only one archer remaining, who tries to plead with Clement before a one-two punch of Clement's daggers and Goblinda's wobbling paddle sends him plummeting below where he crunches back-first onto the open altar.

--- Mysteries Below

- Mother Flotsam's backup taxidermied cat finds itself rapidly ensouled to become her new familiar. She's always got a backup, you see.

- She questions Angus the "Scottish" Moray Eel on what's going on here, and he tells her that these bandits have been catching sea creatures and throwing them into the sepulchre below to create and/or feed some sort of creature.

- They throw Angus back into the sea where he can... oh no! The current! He's swiftly dragged back towards the giant hole. Maybe he'll meet Butler Dave on the way?

--- Finishing Up
- While deciding whether they go see what the horrible thing is in the crypt, they loot the church. They find such cool stuff as a book on Pirate Law, a pouch of Blinding Beans, a glass sword, and a figurine of a sausage dog that extends a looooong way when activated.

- Mother Swan creates Mother Swan's Big Soup, an intentional rival to Mother Flotsam's soup of a similar name. It contains Devil-Carp, Brine Pike, Lamprey, Chewing Bark and Blood and it would taste AWFUL if not for the presence of Benito and his Halfling cooking skills. As it stands, it's tasty and gives everyone +1 to their Dexterity, possibly because they're leaping away from the soup.

Total: 9000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- 4 bowmen (40 exp)

Total: 40 exp

Treasures Looted:

- 190 obols-worth of miscellaneous valuables (190 exp)
- Ghost Bomb harms living but heals dead

- Book on pirate laws and customs (50 exp)

- Pouch of Blinding Beans blinds someone as long as the beans are on their eyelids

- Figurine of Endless Dog, when activated, becomes an endless sausage dog useful for finding your way back from places, plus its cute.

- Glass Sword deals exploding damage, but shatters on a fumble.

Total: 240 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/lvl)
- Zoe the Directionman (100 exp/lvl)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/lvl)

- Charles the Artist (100 exp/lvl)

- George the Chef (100 exp/lvl)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 45635 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 40782 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 33515 (Level up at 36000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 5 Goblin: 18518 (Level up at 32000)

- George / Mother Swan, Level 2 Magic-User: 3756 (Level up at 4500)
*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

Session 461 - Laptop-Less Journey to the Big Hole

Date: 1 September 1626

Zenith: The Scorned

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

New Characters:

- Ellengast Progenitrix, aka Mother Swan! A Magic-User who is a former prisoner, mentored by Swan (RIP)

New Backstory:

- Hammer Hatmakerson learned a lot about Necromancers in his tutelage under Celebus. Once per session, give someone an extra point of Mana.

- Masvani-i-Manavi has great respect for Mother Flotsam, his mentor. At the start of the session copy one of their Skills. Transferrable on death or if the character isn't at this session, with a compelling reason.

Events:

--- A Minor Disaster

- Turns out I forgot my laptop today, so it's going to be a janky session where I try to run everything off my phone.

- Luckily everyone is very nice about this!

- This foreshadows another laptop-related event.

--- Who's She? The Swan's Mother?

- The party have just murdered Swan the Swift in his bony swan form.
- They see a figure coming up from the dungeon below. It is the Mother of Swan! Swan's mother! The Mother Goose, if you will! She thanks the party for killing her no good son.

- She joins the party following the retirement of Hammer Hatmakerson, now King Hammer. 

- Also, Gaius returns for one night only! He's a true Roman.

--- A Visit From a God

- They decide to return to the Goblin Wastes, and determine to go via the sea since Masvani has a walking boat and all.
- They head down the King's Road, the long road that leads towards where Fate used to be before it started walking around. They spend the time cooking and relaxing, making Mother Flotsam's Big Soup which is super good with the Halflings around.

- It grants 1 damage per die from cold, which is determined to be the Blessing of the Soup Dragon.

- In fact it's SO good that the God in Heaven today actually comes down to try it! He is The Scorned and is a love bomber, albeit Benito barely notices.

--- Lore Mana from Heaven

- They ask what the situation is up there between the Tadpoles and the Red Elves and whatever's going on with the moon.
- Long story short - the Tadpoles have basically eaten most of the corpse of Ereshkigal which was thrown up their in the End War. The Gods are spread thin trying to stop them entering the atmosphere, since the Red Elves at least only came from moonwards. These new guys can just fly around!

- The Marlingspikes can be repurposed to send energy up to the Gods, so if they can get the Red Elves (who should be grateful to be allowed through in the first place to be honest) to recalibrate them for that purpose that would be great.

- Putting Mars back might help, but the Tadpoles seem to be quite happy to set up shop on the moon so they'll need a reason to leave.

--- Fireside Chats

- We roll to see who's been talking to who and end up with quite the convoluted web of conversations.

- Mother Flotsam bonds with Mother Swan over their shared disappointment in their children.

- Mother Flotsam also shares tea with Masvani.
- Masvani in turn shares some advice with Benito.

- In turn Benito bonds with Gaius over his book on how to cook humans (no "for" in this one), which is troubling.
- In fact all in all, when all's said and done, the party look at themselves and say... "Are we the baddies?"

--- Lights in the Mist

- They are safe from the Unmaking Rain that drizzles down around them, safe in the ship.

- However, drifting in from the mist, tiny lights! They settle on equipment and do weird magic stuff.
- Benito's perfume now heals, but can run out.

- Mother Flotsam's Quicksilver Charm improves.

- Masvani's soul of a resentful goat man he captured that time will now hurt him if it's released.

- Gaius' Halfling Spices now have a loaves-and-fishes effect that will make a meal infinitely shareable

--- A Big Hole

- Finally, as a summer storm rages around them, they reach the sea. Classic Britain.

- Before them, beyond a shattered bridge, is the island where Fortress-City Fate once stood (or perhaps squatted).

- In the past, before the End War, a huge tentacle of Shub-Niggurath rose up from the core of the Earth, then was chewed up by the constantly whirring maw deep beneath Fate.
- Now, with the city gone and Shub-Niggurath exploded into poison, all that remains is a bottomless pit in the middle of the island, down which the waters pour endlessly.

- They approach and stare down the hole. It's endless. They can pick out a city down there, built against the walls of the borehole, fed by pouring water. They can also see countless holes in the walls, doubtless entrances to the Veins of the Earth.

Total: 8000 exp

OOC:

- Carter the Chronicler and Chef (200 exp/level)
- George the Directionman (100 exp/level)
- Charles the Paymaster (100 exp/level)
- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 42579 (Level up at 72000)

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 38326 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 31159 (Level up at 36000)

- Timothy / Gaius Julius Drusus, Level 4 Halfling: 10454 (Level up at 16000)

- George / Mother Swan, Level 1 Magic-User: 1700 (Level up at 2250)

Session 460 - How Did We Get Here

Date: 25 August 1626

Zenith: Minerva

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face (Tidelocked)

Revealed Backstory:

- Benito Brazil pissed off the King of Brazil and confronted him, leading to Benito's exile. May cause creatures to prioritise him at will.

Events:

--- Late to the Party

- We return to the party who have recently found their way into a mansion of some sort in the Gardens of Ynn, accessed by a mirror that was recently stolen by Masvani who didn't realise at the time that it had to remain in place to work its magic.

- Also, Hammer Hatmakerson has returned! And somehow found his way into the manor within Ynn! As have his cavemen buddies!

- Good thing too because a golden crocodile on the fountain in the antechamber has just come alive and bared its golden teeth, making a beeline straight for Benito!

- Hammer chucks a magic sword at Benito (presumably a dime a dozen) and Benito swings down on the crocodile! It pings from its metal hide and seems to have missed... but oh wait he's religious! It hits!
- Hammer and his cavemen follow up and through some alarmingly big rolls utterly destroy it. Ooga booga indeed.

--- Where My Stuff Man

- Just to remind everyone, we are actually here because Benito got drunk and his stuff got nicked by a strange man.
- To that end, they explore through a couple of rooms until they find... a balcony overlooking a stage! A passing goat man is interrogated and they discover that Benito's stuff is indeed her, a man carried it past half an hour ago. However it miiiggght have been turned into stage props by Extras quasi-magic.

- Benito shouts, nay DEMANDS from the balcony that they need to put on a play about Brazil. He's surprised when a huge papier-mache King Kong emerges!

- The man of the house, Scilloideae, is the play's director and he's livid about what just happened (and baffled by the big gorilla).
- Thankfully Benito is there to explain. He got drunk in Bell and just wants his stuff back.

- After some conversation the director is happy to give said stuff back. All the glitter-covered cardboard copies of Benito's gear are gathered and, with a click of Scilloideae's fingers, returned to normal. Hurrah!

- With all that received, and with no easy way out due to Masvani's mirror theft, they're forced to head back out into Ynn and hope they can find their way home through the gardens.

--- Sail Away Sail Away Sail Away

- They exit into Ynn and the first thing they see is a great big ship up the top of a big cool jaggedy mountain. The ship itself is built around and on a floating rock which is currently not floating very much, so just a big normal rock really.
- They investigate and find a Red Elf is in there, struggling to get the rock going. Also he has the worst Jamaican accent but people seemed to enjoy it?

- All it takes is one touch from Benito's hand and the rock starts floating again. This seems way too easy but maaaybe there's a lore reason.

- They start flying the shape of the Broligarchy and hey! I shuffled the deck wrong! They're out of there already!

- And here's Masvani too! Lovely!

--- Martian Concerns

- Despite the party's previously established pro-genocide position vis-a-vis the Red Elves, after actually meeting one they're all suddenly going back on their previous position. Funny how that works.
- Turns out the Red Elf colonists have nowhere to go back to since Mars vanished approx 8 months ago, plus their brethren have died over and over until they turned into the horrible space tadpoles seen recently.
- Hang on actually this is possibly the best out of context line of the season -
- "They need to head back to the Goblin Wastes and find Hidra to get Mars in preparation for Christmas so they can put Mars back"

- It's a long way back, but they can follow the old King's Road to the edge of the wastes.

--- Onwards in a Different Boat

- Now that they've got Masvani and his silly boat that runs on many skeleton legs, it's time to set off again!

- As they approach Swansburg (nee Salivasburg, nee Salisburgh) there is a brief encounter with giant cockroaches, but it's not much to write home about beyond some extra armfuls of haemolymph they harvest from the bodies. Hammer scrumps wheat from the nearby wheatfield.

- The longarms used to quell the bugs in said ambush are assiduously taken back by Masvani and put back in the gun locker, probably the only time we've ever seen proper gun management in the game. Fingers off the trigger and no pointing the business end at anything you don't want dead, folks.

--- New City Same As the Old City

- They cross through Swansburg's gates and nobody bats an eye at their walking boat, since this place is PACKED with the undead. Some living zealots with bells on sticks wander past, proselytising about Deusix.

- They continue on, a huge wooden swan looming on the central motte. Most "people" they pass are skeletons in various tabards going about their errands. The only living people tend to be big bags of skin.

- They hail a fleshbag and Swan is crushed to discover that there's no serfdom here, skeletons took all the jobs. Cash-for-bones signs advertise the only real way for the average living man to get by. Will Hammer truly have to kill Swan for betraying the ideals of medievalism?

--- The Battle for the Crown

- They approach the motte and find it is a big big pile of bones. So many bones.

- There is a great battle against a bone man who is turning into a swan shape as they battle. It's Swan himself! And he's absorbing all of the bones!

- I am clearly too tired at this point to run anything properly but on we go.

- Hammer strikes religiously, Masvani gives the goose-monster teeth, Goblina (who turned up!) throws goblins into the fray, Mother Flotsam chucks a guano bomb in, Benito makes Hammer very big with a Growth Potion.

- Hammer, now huge, gets his hands on the neck of the Swan swan and snaps.

--- Opportunity

- They walk into the quiet throne room of Swan the Swift. It's empty.
- Hammer takes the crown that rests on the throne, feels it scream, and puts it on.
- He throws down the Seed Skull of the Forgotten King at his feet, a magical artifact that will cause a kingdom to bloom here. His cavemen will remake this rotten land.

- Also they cook something called "Cockyleeky" from cockroach viscera, an ostrich egg and a couple of handfuls of wheat. It's not great!

Total: 9000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- Some cockroaches (35 exp)

- Swan the Swift: Bone Edition (100 exp)

Total: 135 exp

Treasures Claimed:

- A Kingdom (invaluable, but let's call it 10 000 exp to be nice?)

Total: 10000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Masvani-I-Manavi, Level 6 Necromancer: 39779 (Level up at 72000)

*LEVEL UP! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! + Backstory!

- Charles / Benito Brazil, Level 6 Halfling: 36126 (Level up at 64000)

- George / Hammer Hatmakerson, Level 6 Fighter: 33955 (Level up at 64000)
Retired but also *LEVEL UP!* +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 to Hit! +1 to Crit/Fumble! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Mother Flotsam, Level 5 Magic-User: 29059 (Level up at 36000)

- Zoë / Goblinda, Level 5 Goblin: 16162 (Level up at 32000)
*LEVEL UP! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Goblin! +Backstory!