Session 390 - Rats on Cocaine

 Date: 19 November 1624

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face

Zenith Deity: The Dead God

Returning Characters:

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Barbarian. Not leveling up for the first time.

- Nines, Inheritor. Dirt in his boots.

- Nostradama, Cleric of the Nonanist Faith. Requires guidance.

- Zeppelino, Goblin. Has a small crew of Buddies.

New Backstories:

- Nostradama was forced to drop out of culinary school after burning some eggs (and telling her daughter as much). She got a job as a labourer in a tarp factory instead, which is where she got the famous apocalypse-survival tarp from! Whenever an attempt at diplomacy fails, you get +2 AC for a ten minute Turn.

- Zeppelino nearly fell into a hole when he was younger, and thankfully his pod-brother was there to save him! If someone near you is going to make a check to prevent falling, you may grant them a reroll if they fail.

Events:

--- A Nice Day for a Real Fake Adventure

- We reconvene with our heroes in a fake jail reached via a sewer. Bulgur has the script for what's meant to happen next in the fake plot that the Halflings put together to distract invading hero-types. Thing is, the script says that there's real treasure in a real treasure room (guarded by a real minotaur ratman monster boss). It's too tempting to avoid!
- This particular jail room is a kind of hero moment where the heroes could free some unjustly imprisoned prisoners. Alas, everyone present understands that these are actors forced to act for their various real crimes (as all actors should be).

- Nostradama is the Cleric today and informs everyone that the current God is the Dead God, who makes it harder for people to die. Very nice! It's also a Dragon Face Moon, and due to mysterious and troubling reasons it means that gravity is slightly lighter and that something interesting is happening to runes. Alas, nobody knows what runes are (allegedly) so this is just kinda cool rather than a great boon.
- They open up the secret extra door and reveal a room full of corpses!
- Zeppelino rushes in to loot the bodies.

--- Bulgur Strides Forth

- Chuckling and conversation can be heard beyond this room, and Bulgur strides ahead to question the conversationalists! It's a young Halfling woman, and on seeing the largeling approaching she stops chatting and gets into character. A young Halfling man scurries from across the room too.

- It's a classic liar/truthteller guard setup! Treasure and a big portcullis labelled "Lair of the Minorat" are beyond! Bulgur reads the answer off the script, to the guards' chagrin.
- Bulgur starts teasing them with confusing questions. Meanwhile Zeppelino is arming his recalcitrant minions.

- Guards disabled, they explore a little further. In one room they find stalls. Toilet stalls! Since they're currently below the sewer level, these are basically just seats over buckets that need to be emptied regularly.

--- Cocaine Barbarian is the name of my new thrash band

- They try the door beyond the room where the ratman are and... egads! A Ratman! Not a huge minotaur ratmen, but a normal sized ratman! It's still a big fellow! And behind it is a swarm of rats who love him!

- It bites Bulgur and they discover... the Ratman is on drugs! Furthermore, Ratmen have a toxic bite that spreads any toxins or diseases they're carrying! Bulgur's eyes briefly roll back as the Notcoke takes hold. +1 amped bonus to hit, +1 overconfidence bonus to fumbles.

- Everyone else misses the drugged up ratboy. Bulgur does not. His notcoke-fuelled strike from his Pumpkinhead absolutely mashes the Ratman!

- His plague of rodents, tears in their eyes, tries to nibble Bulgur to death to no avail. Their next attack is better though! The swarm somehow cleaves through and attacks Nines!

- Meanwhile the Halfling guards have backed away and are attempting to pull some unmarked levers on either side of a big portcullis at the other side of the room. Zeppelino and his goblins run over to prevent them doing whatever they're doing! A portcullis drops down over the entrance, trapping the party within!

- Nostradama is splatting rats. She also sees they've all got little notcoke nosebags, which is probably why they're so agile. She swiftly snorts up all the little baggies. Cocaine Cleric! More of a shoegaze band name, or possibly an insufferable youtube celeb.

--- The Minorat Cometh

- Shenanigans over at the levers involve the death of a Goblin Buddy, the opening of the exit portcullis, the death of the other guard (Gareth) and... THE RELEASE OF THE MINORAT!
- It's genuinely a huge ratman, rats swarming over and... inside??? its muscles. Or are the rats the muscles? It's a huge dude anyway! And he's got horns taped to his skull! And only a shirt, no pants - Steamboat Willie!
- It's a boss monster. It must be attacked! Bulgur smashes in with the Pumpkinhead, right in the no-pants region, and the huge rat doubles over. Despite his rat colony's attempts to block, Bulgur's Barbarian powers allow him to see... this guy has 9HP left.

- Nostradama invokes the Nine and calls forth Minerva, who grants her armour to these faithful! Minerva personally comes down and speaks to Nostradama, then vanishes, leaving them with a shield of faith! Alas, Nostradama is all out of miracles now.
- Others attack the big boss, but it's all down to Bulgur in the end, mashing with the Pumpkinhead Axe and severing every limb with a spinning Barbarian whirlwind axe attack!

- Nostradama sees her chance and kills the last guard (Mildred) by choking her to death with a big chunk of bread. It's somehow more brutal.

--- Grab Dat Cache

- They loot the treasure room and find, to their delight, that it's real treasure!

- In addition to 8000 obols-worth of loose treasure (which those in the know quickly absorb under their skin as Debt Tattoos),
-- Bulgur finds a vial of lubricant,
-- Zeppelino finds a Repair Kit that repairs gear, 

-- Nines fittingly finds a little animated toy Rat Pack that follows you around and can carry stuff for you, 

-- and Nostradama finds a Shield of Spell Absorption which has a demon face which eats and releases spells targeted at the bearer.

- Bulgur also loots the next room and finds 22 doses of Notcoke in little baggies. His eyes roll gleefully.

--- Control Room

- Everyone has a quick snack, including Nines who is eating Gareth and stealing his form.
- "Gareth" opens the next (final?) door and descends into a sort of control room. They chat for a bit, but the Halflings within are desperately trying to prevent their part of the city from blowing up after the local destruction protocols got triggered last session.
- The party instead try to head up! The Halfling parliament is above after all!
- They break through and... oh no! A hospital is above! It falls away easily due to the RAAC concrete construction of the infrastructure! The Parliament part of the plot was also a lie!

--- Bathhouse-Five

- Oh well, they can't finish off the scripted plot. Might as well check out the farms maybe? See where the beef comes from? Most importantly, better get out of dodge in case the place really does blow up!
- They head through the (well-signposted) sewers until they reach Westerling, the relatively safe and relatively non-hostile part of Bunkertown.

- Zeppelino pops out of the manhole and demands that a nearby child tell him the way to the nearest bathhouse!

- Turns out there is a bathhouse! Halflings were the original Romans, after all. Makes sense.

- There are distant explosions over in Northfell. I wonder what caused those!

- The Bathhouse is bloody lovely. One weird thing though... Nines recognises the bouncer on the door. It's Henan, his old mob boss! Since he's in Gareth form he doesn't make a scene.
- A Halfling greets the doublings and asks as to their master. It's Gareth of course!

- All things in order, everyone gets the full spa treatment. Bulgur and Nostradama have a lovely time, little massage, oiled up and scraped off with a curved knife, the works!
- Zepellino is in a horror story. The olive oil... the parboiling... they're cooking him! They're cooking his remaining Buddy! Oh god! OH GOD! The buddy is already being CARVED UP!!!

- Zeppelino flees, unbenownst to the others who are served some delicious "vegetarian hors d'oeuvres". Very fresh!

--- Onwards to Grendel

- Afterwards everyone (even Zeppelino, despite the panic attacks) feels fully refreshed. How lovely!
- To the delight of the people of Bunkertown, they decide to head off into the Wastes instead of sticking around.

- Next stop - the clockwork city of Grendel. It sounds cool, so why not!

Total: 9000 exp

Murders:

- Two Halfling guards (20 exp)
- A coked-up Ratman and his coked-up rat friends (75 exp)

- A huge rat-minotaur (250 exp)

Total: 345 exp

Treasure:

- 8000 obols (8000 exp)

- Vial of lube

- Repair Kit repairs all Notches (5 uses)
- Rat Pack is a little stuffed rat that follows you and carries up to 5 items in an adorable fashion

- Shield of Spell Absorption absorbs spells you save against and releases it against the next person who misses you with an attack(because they hit the shield).

- 22 doses of Notcoke (220 exp)

Total: 8220 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler, Expedition Leader, Cartographer, Paymaster, and Role-Greedy Person De Jour (400 exp/level)

- Zoë the Quartermaster and Chef (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Nines, Level 5 Inheritor: 18185 (Level up at 36000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 5 Barbarian: 16085 (Level up at 32000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- Charles / Zeppelino, Level 4 Goblin: 8351 (Level up at 16000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Buddy! +Backstory!

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Buddy! +Backstory!

- Zoe / Nostradama, Level 3 Cleric of Nonanism: 6176 (Level up at 9000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 to Starting Faith! +Backstory!

Session 389 - Upending the Narrative

 Date: 12 November 1624

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Moon Face: Plain
Zenith Deity: The Scorned

Returning Characters:

- Brie van der Hells, Nonanist Cleric. Taking the Gods seriously.

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Barbarian. Can now see foes' HP when he hits them, which is collectively lauded as the "anti DM bullshit" ability even though I never mess around with that I swear!
- Manrat Snels, Ratman. Now in control of a swarm of nine rats!

- Nines, Inheritor. Wearing the shape of a Halfling Milliner.

New Backstory:

- Bulgur's father was an angry drunk, and this trauma fed into Bulgur's rage. +2 Dexterity.

- Manrat Snels hid from the burning sun during the hottest summer on record. The rats inside the cave he hid within became his first friends. +2 Wisdom.

- Brie van der Hells was at her grandfather's bedside as he begged for death. She did so and caught his Last Breath, as all children of Necromancers are taught to do. +2 Dexterity

- Nines was egged on and fought another member of his gang. +2 Dexterity

Events:

--- Telling of Tales

- We rejoin the party as they rest up in the Milliner's shop in the Northfell region of the Halfling town of Bunkertown. Northfell is the industrial region where any "largelings" that enter rarely leave. Outside is a drizzly mist, nasty weather but not the worst Autumn has to offer.
- They are of course on a quest to assassinate the Alderman, a mission given to them by a mysterious handsome hooded Halfling named Shortshanks in the darkness of an inn. They've infiltrated the Milliner's place, now they will lie in wait to ambush the Alderman when he turns up for his millinery appointment.
- They're swapping stories of their childhoods, and catching Brie van der Hells up on the events of the previous week.

- The Milliner is dead. The Milliner is alive. The Milliner is Nines in the shape of the dead Milliner. All of these statements are true.

- Bulgur is having a heart-to-heart with the freed human slave Bjorn. Bjorn is finding it hard to accept his new freedom. He is told of Fortress-City Fate where he might find individual freedom, and of the Wheatlands where his serfdom will at least be under fellow humans. In the interests of free will, they let him go to make his own choice. He leaves with a backpack full of man-kibble and a head full of dreams.

--- Gustav my Man!

- Around noon the Alderman (ie. the Halfling the party was sent to assassinate) turns up, looks around the shop, and with a smile approaches Nines in his milliner form. "Gustav my man! You're looking well! Looks like our adventurers aren't here yet then?" he beams.
- The Milliner's real name, as opposed to character name, is Gustav. It becomes very clear that this assassination plot is actually just a storyline the Halflings put on to divert adventuring types - they come into town, have a satisfying adventure, and leave.
- The Alderman does some cursory sign-countersign stuff to prove that Gustav is Gustav, but isn't particularly thorough. Plus Nines has access to Gustav's memories, which makes the whole thing a little easier. The Alderman then says he'll go hide over in the corner, behind the hat racks, so they can surprise the visitors.

- Instead Nines murders the Alderman and messily consumes his body. This is not in the script.
- The others peek through the blinds and see that there's a crossbow-bearing team of Halflings hidden in the hobbit holes across the road. Otherwise the streetscape looks like a normal quaint Halfling factory district, nothing to see here.

--- Suppressing Fire

- Nines/Alderman pokes his head out of the front door and hails some neighbourhood policemen with classic police hats. Unfortunately he makes it extremely obvious that he isn't the Alderman and has to retreat! Gas-powered machinegun crossbows pepper the walls from across the street! The neighbourhood policemen are torn apart in the crossfire!
- The others realise they're in a bit of a pickle.
- Manrat Snels is in the toilet cubicle, ripping out the seat. It's a small hole down to sewer, but it's smaller than a human head so a ratman can definitely fit through it. He dives into the toilet! Below he discovers a genuine sewer and also sees that the various manholes in this area are rigged with blenders to soupify anyone who thinks to jump down one.
- Brie sends her skeleton (née Nutella) out the back door into the alleyway. It goes a few steps towards the manhole on the corner and HISSSSS! A great cloud of green gas melts it down into slime! 
- Bulgur has been hiding in the corner the Alderman said he was going to hide in, and a hatch opens above his head! It's Shortshanks! A ladder chunks down, and instead of following the attempt at re-railroading the plot Bulgur climbs up, extorts the script off the poor fellow, and in the process discovers that he wasn'ts lying - he really was trying to change the plot such that his political enemies ended up dead.
- Bulgur chucks him off the roof. Splat!
- Below, the cops burst in (with Beam-Light runes on their service crossbows) and swear vengeance! Brie thinks quickly, shucks her skin, and disguises herself as a skeleton in the little punishment cell for humans in the back room.

--- All Cats are Beautiful

- The cops decide this has gone too far and decide to blow up the area and isolate the threat. Northfell, like Westerling, has streets ready to blow if a powerful threat enters the zone.

- A couple of them head outside into the alley and start keying a code into the keypad beneath a manhole. Down the street another cop starts keying in similar - this is clearly a two keys nuclear code situation.

- Unfortunately for them, Manrat is in the sewers already! He disables a blender device and sends his rats up and out to murder the nearest guard. It's horrible!
- Meanwhile, up on the roof, Bulgur is startled to see a female Halfling in practical-but-cool gear turn up. She's a princess or something, or an Alderman's daughter, and per the script she's meant to make the adventurers think that maybe they're murdering the wrong people. Since Bulgur is clearly holding the script she decides to leave - the party is off-script!
- Bulgur slides down the spherical roof and extorts yet another thing - the nuclear keys - from a cop, who then flees.
- Manrat and his rats kill the other cop. Thank goodness no people were hurt.

--- Fire on My Position!

- According to the recap, "Nines made an oops and triggered the contingency".
- Various people around the town do the pre-nuke freezeframe thing.

- The party flees to the best of their ability.

- BOOM!!!!!

- Manrat Snels and Nines are badly hurt, but survive! Everyone else was clear before the street exploded!

- Brie drank her seagull potion and turned into a (skeletal) seagull before the bomb went off. She talks to a large bird nearby, who is concerned but not alarmed.

--- Flip the Script

- Bulgur also survived. He reads the script he lifted from Shortshanks.

- It turns out Shortshanks wasn't lying, he did change the script to benefit himself! The original script involved:

-- a few months of training (wherein their minds would be weakened by drugged food)
-- an attempted taming by "evil" Halflings (played by expendable prisoners who would be granted release if successful).
-- If that didn't work they party would be put onto the main plot - killing or hopefully capturing an evil politician.
-- After capturing the Alderman at the Millinery and turning him in, the Halfling lady would turn up and make them question the true reason for targeting Aldermen.
-- Shortshanks the "bad guy" politician would elected, showing his true reasons for hiring them. They would then kill/capture him, save the day, and go on their merry way.
- Unfortunately this all got sidetracked by the party finding the actual script. Bad news for the Halflings!
- On the plus side, as part of the "investigate the true enemy" plot, there is an underground dungeon containing a "giant ratman" and real loot to be had.
- Bulgur persuades the others to skip the plot, quickly head into the dungeon before they're scripted to arrive, grab the loot, then they can all leave this horrible town.

--- Missing the Cue

- The party have a bite to eat in the sewers, then hurry towards the place on the map marked as the Mayoral Dungeon beneath the actual mayor's office. On the way, Manrat regenerates his rats from the local population, and of course pretends that they're the old rats miraculously surviving.
- They come to the map position and hey! It's a jail! alflings in cells lurk within, chatting since they're not supposed to be "on set" yet.

- There's a guard inside though, who quickly gets into character when he sees Nines in his Alderman form come in. The guard is holding down a dead man's switch, as instructed.

- It goes well for a short while until Manrat fucks it all up! A scuffle breaks out, the dead man's switch is released, but someone props the switch open with a chair. Phew?

- One of the Halfling prisoners breaks character. They're a real prisoner, but playing along will get him released. He doesn't care any more since the dead man's switch releasing will blow him up anyway!

- Basically - the enemy Halflings can listen through the pipes, and the stabiliser for the dead man's switch is in the "control room".

- The party open the secret door to the next chamber and look across a pile of corpses... 

- Cliffhanger-ish ending!

Total: 8000 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler and Paymaster (200 exp/level)
- Kitty the Expedition Leader and Chef (200 exp/level)

- Ollie the Cartographer and Quartermaster (200 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard and Triage (200 exp/level)

Murders:

- The Alderman 10 exp)

- Shortshanks (10 exp)
- A cop (10 exp)

- Another cop (10 exp)

Total: 40 exp

Treasure:

- The script

Total: 0 exp

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Nines, Level 4 Inheritor: 12193 (Level up at 18000)

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 4 Barbarian: 11293 (Level up at 16000)

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 4 Ratman: 8418 (Level up at 14000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! A whopping 16 Rats!  +Backstory!

- Ollie / Brie van der Hells, Level 3 Necromancer: 8318 (Level up at 9000)

Session 388 - Murder at the Milliner

Date: 5 November 1624

Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent
Moon Face: Plain

Zenith Deity: Minerva

Returning Characters:

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar. Barbarian. Has gained the ability to create Chaos Bursts when forced to Save vs Chaos.

- Manrat Snels. Ratman. A throwback to a former era when the lines between Rat and Man were blurred.
- Nines. Inheritor. Ever-hungry. Has eaten a Hobgoblin and can now create minions.

- Zeppelino. Mad inventor Goblin of the classic type.

New Backstory:

- Nines was once very overweight due to his love of food, fitting for an Inheritor! +2 HP when you eat to heal.
- Bulgur's favourite calf died too young, rustled by some post-apocalyptic cattle wrestlers. Bulgur sought vengeance, cursing their names! Deal double damage against creatures that have killed a PC this session.

- Manrat Snels was huddling in a cave when a Goblin came in seeking shelter. Manrat waited for the Goblin to fall asleep... then killed and ate it! +1 die size to damage the first time you hit a foe.

Events:

--- The Cat's Away

- We rejoin the party in the Halfling polity of Bunkertown, where they recently succeeded in defeating Halloween nonsense!
- This part of Bunkertown is the less ruthless side - Westerling. Unlike the xenophobic industrialists of Northfell, Westerling is welcoming to outsiders. Perhaps suspiciously so. To the west are the vast fields of wheat that make up Easthollow.
- Wait a second... wheat?? Growing here in the wastes? Despite the poison storms and all the rest? Hmmm.

- They head towards the wheat and come across a fat human "Doubling" boy called Augustus playing with Halfling children. Adult Halflings look on, and all note the party's "minder", Gaius, is no longer present. Maybe they're available!

- They continue on and come to the edge of the wheat field. The sunrise shimmers across the wheat. Glass greenhouse domes are scattered across the field, and where the sunrise touches them they shine blindingly bright.

- Zeppelino examines the grains and discovers that it's all fake! Some kind of long red fungus painted like wheat with paint and glitter and covered with a pale glaze!

- They ask the gathered Halflings what the point of all this is, and they say that the real food (meat) is grown in the domes - the wheat is a fun activity for children. Why wheat? Well, there was this idea going around, an idea of wheat?

- By the way the fields are off-limits at the moment. There's an evil cult out there stealing children who wander too deep into the wheat.

--- The Green Dragon

- Someone mentions the nearby inn, the Green Dragon, and Bulgur's ears prick up! A pub! It might be sunrise but it's always 5 o'clock somewhere right?

- On the way, Nines notices that there are manhole covers at every cross-street. Embossed on the metal are the words "rigged to blow". He asks their guide about that, and he says that these streets are all indeed rigged to blow. The whole town can be destroyed if necessary - a countermeasure against dangerous interlopers or an uprising from the Doubling staff.

- The pub itself has two levels. A lower Halfling-height pub for the Halflings, and a sort of higher mezzanine for Doublings whose heads stick up above that level. Of course they only sell half-pints in the lower level, so it's good to be tall!

- They get some ales and ask after food, Bulgur mentions high tea. There is indeed high tea... a variety of Otherpot varietals! Zeppelino selects a nice Banana Kush from the options presented by the weed sommelier and passes the spliff around. It gives everyone an insight into everyone else's motivations, and also makes everyone very peaceful.

- Nines wasn't up for getting high so went off to see if he could find an entry to the tunnels that must be beneath. Alas, no. These hobbit holes don't even have lower levels as far as he can tell.

--- Waddler

- Manrat looks around the room and sees - wow! - a mysterious hooded Halfling man in the corner of the pub. Real quest giver vibes. They head over and he reveals that he's ridiculously handsome. They call him... Waddler.

- He says that this is usually part of the experience - outsiders come in, have a nice telegraphed adventure, and leave the town without messing anything up. It's a way for the Halflings to stay safe and unmolested by outside people.

- However he's not doing that this time. He wants the party to kill an Aldermen of Northfell who has his finger on the button that can blow Westerling to smithereens! It's meant to be for the safety of the Halflings, but this corrupt Alderman is using the threat to extort people!
- He also tells them that the usual system is to put potential assassins through "training" wherein they become more susceptible to mind-control in exchange for some cool magic items. Since he's going around the usual protocol though, he gives them the choice. Also the food here is laced with a mild dose of the susceptibility drugs... he can't do much about that.

- Bulgur considers undergoing "training" if it means the Halflings will release their human "staff" from mind control, and is informed that the humans here actually aren't controlled directly. They might think they are, but it's actually a serfdom situation where they're tied to the land.

- For some reason the idea of the Bermuda Heron is mentioned - an enormous heron that eats ships on Atlantic shipping lanes. Add to canon!

--- The First Target

- That decided, Waddler gives them their first target - the Alderman whose name is Bertio. He's due to be at the milliner in Northfell tomorrow.

- They also ask about this cult in the wheat fields. It's not Waddler's remit, but he knows that they're called the Cult of the Green Skull and have taken over a greenhouse dome out there.

- Waddler heads home and leaves the party to chew over their mission. All decide to eat leftovers other than Bulgur, who is happy to discover that the meat in Beef Ragout is real beef!

- They head out because they don't want to miss their assassination window. It might seem morally dubious but everyone's pretty on board with killing any and all Halflings, since the vibes in every part of this town are broadly fucked in specific ways

- On the way towards Northfell, Bulgur hails a human woman working on Smallfoot street. He asks her if she's happy here and discovers that she's clearly indoctrinated into thinking living here is normal. It's better than being out in the Wastes, you see, and she has stuff to do, so it's not that bad you know?

- Bulgur tells her about the Wheatlands. You could do the same stuff but under a Lord, not a mere Halfling! She's kinda into it! Where are the Wheatlands? Uhhhhhh... south west across the river? From here? Probably? She says she'll prepare!

--- Murder Time

- The party creep through Northfell following the directions they were given. Zeppelino is in a hood to make him seem like a hooded Halfling. The plan as is is to kill the Milliner and have Nines transform into him, then kill the Alderman when he comes in for his appointment.
- They approach and see that there's already stuff going on - a Doubling has collapsed while pulling a cart down the street to the market, to the consternation of his Halfling master! It's right near the Milliner's shop, so this will have to be dealt with.

- Zeppelino pretends to be a Halfling and offers the services of his minion, Bulgur, to pull the cart to the market. He is cautioned that the orbs of black slime in the cart are volatile, but if Bulgur is gentle it should be fine.
- Meanwhile, Nines enters the Milliner's shop under the pretense of picking up some items and meets the Milliner himself. The Milliner is confused and goes to look in his ledger, and Nines shanks him between the upper vertebrae with his wrist-knife. Nines collapses into mud and flesh and begins to digest the shopkeeper!

- Bulgur reaches the market and leaves the cart. The Halfling master, named Sebastian, tells him to thank his master for his service, very lovely of him under the circumstances.
- Bulgur returns to the collapsed fellow Doubling, learns his name is Bjorn, and shows him kindness. Bjorn is very confused, but grateful, and reveals he's been a mind-slave for 20 years at this point. His master often overworks him.
- Sebastian returns and browbeats Bjorn. Bulgur looks on, anger building. And then...
- Nines in Milliner form steps in and shanks Sebastian in the neck! Bjorn collapses, mind finally free, and they bundle Sebastian's corpse and Bjorn into the milliner's for now!
- Nines realises he can combine his Hobgoblin powers with his form-stealing powers to create copies of forms he's stolen... a plan forms!

- They hide Sebastian's corpse and lay Bjorn down on the nice bed in the back of the shop. The bed is overlooked by a horrible cage - clearly a punishment chamber for recalcitrant doublings. But hey - a bed!

- They scheme about how they'll kill the Alderman tomorrow. They've got a false Milliner, they've got weapons. Should be easy, right?

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:

- A Halfling Milliner (5 exp)
- A Halfling Master (5 exp)
Total: 10 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler, Cartographer, and Quartermaster (300 exp/level)

- Kitty the Expedition Leader (100 exp/level)

- Charles the Paymaster and Chef (200 exp/level)
- George the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Nines, Level 4 Inheritor: 9018 (Level up at 18000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 4 Barbarian: 8118 (Level up at 16000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 3 Ratman: 5443 (Level up at 7000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! A whole 9 Rats wow!  +Backstory!

- Charles / Zeppelino, Level 2 Goblin: 3959 (Level up at 4000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Buddy! +Backstory!

Session 386 - Halfling Death Cult

Date: 22 October 1624

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Moon Face: Pocked

Zenith Deity: Dispater

New Characters:

- Zeppelino, an inventive Goblin whose tarpaulin parachute is all that's left of his experimental flying machine.

Returning Characters:

- Gaius Julius Drusus, Halfling. Commands the tamed Barbarian Lurpak.

- Nines, Inheritor.
- Manrat Snels, Ratman.

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Barbarian.

- Brie van der Hells, Necromancer. Commands the zombified corpse of Priest Nutella.

Events:

--- Mooching Towards Civilisation

- A tarp atop a hill moves and our new party emerges into a misty morning.

- The mists are everywhere, and bring with them a sense of wistful melancholy. Thorny bushes have sprouted in the night, bearing tart red berries that sap the spirit. They nickname them "Merry Berries".

- At sunset yesterday they saw smoke rising on the southern horizon, so they set off in that direction across the bruise-coloured wastes. The hills give way to the muddy flatland, scattered with humps and divots like a rucked blanket.

- Lurpak briefly yearns to return to his friends in the insect temple when he hears someone calling for him, but Gaius persuades him that they are on-mission and must head to the town to the south.

--- Driftwood Marionette

- After hours of trudging through the mists they hear a moaning and perk up from their doldrums. Coming at them through the fog is a man-shape, but it jerks like a marionette. As it becomes clearer they see that its mouth goes all the way down its chest and sloughs out rich loam.
- Gaius greets it and is brought to his knees by a wave of tiredness, beating at his mind. It's an attack!
- Bulgar reminds everyone that the God in the heavens is Oberon, and thus all the faithful Nonanists shall receive a blessing on their ranged attacks!
- This results in a hail of random objects being thrown from the high ground nearby, albeit mostly missing and getting stuck in the boggy ground between them. Unperturbed, the tree-being trudges forward! It's great sigh saps the spirit, and the loam spewing forth from its mouth firms up the ground.
- Manrat is downed, overcome with weariness. Thankfully his Goblin Religion bonus protects him from the worst of the harm, albeit he overextended on the yawn and hurt his jaw.

- Brie's zombified priest lurches forward and starts tearing into the dread ent, then Gaius follows up by flinging his copy of On Beers and Ales which finishes the creature off! It lodges in the creature's mouth as it falls to its knees, a man-sized bookstand, and Brie snags its last dusty breath in a vial.
- Nines shlorps through the boggy ground and collapses onto it as a pile of mud and ooze and mutating flesh. This is normal, he's an Inheritor, and he wants to take its powers. He steals the ability to create soil, which at the very least firms up boggy ground. They see that the loam that it dropped is already sinking into the wastes, hopefullyy to one day build up into fertile ground.

--- A Goblin Approaches!

- Just then, to everyone's surprise, a mysterious flying machine crash-lands nearby! Crawling from the wreckage is a Goblin who unaccountably immediately wants to join the party! This is Zeppelino, and he wields a tarp much like the absent Nostradama!
- Lurpak is asked about Honey the Thick and he tells the party that she's a Cleric of Jonathon Toast who helped bind everyone into a big group.
- Meanwhile others decide to forage for food. It's surprisingly successful! Bulgur and Manrat find some slopworms, sort of blind rubbery tentacle grubs. Nines catches some rolling cabbage - leafy greens that roll like tumbleweed.

- When they return they discover that there is a shimmering heat haze ahead, through which they can see the town ahead as through a lens! Little glowing points of light dance around it like bees around a flower. They try heading into it and find the distance shrinking before them, soon arriving slap bang in the middle of the town they were heading towards!
- It sounds like bollocks but Portal Haze is genuinely on the encounter table I swear!

---Welcome to Bunkertown

- Our heroes warp into the industrial sector of town and everyone here is an absolutely hateful racist. The place is choked with metallic-smelling smog. Children shriek and make awful comments. Gaius is in his element though, and shows off his tamed Barbarian to the locals!

- Bunkertown is basically a mix between the Shire and Fallout - every hobbit hole is its own little bunker with a big ol' vault door on it. Allegedly they're all connected to each other via some means. There is a collapsed pylon in the town square, a ferrofluid fountain, and a leaking river of black gunk that flows out of said collapsed pylon.

- Bulgur tries to find a pub, and lo! A pub appears! It's clearly just been been slapped together, is called The Buggered Goblin, and has a very explicit sign that is made of two taxidermied goblins in flagrante.

- Bulgur goes in and is offered some extremely obviously poisoned honey wine.

- Nines, meanwhile, asks a local whether they know the local area and is shown The Map. Everyone knows The Map. It was generated several years ago and propagated far and wide. Rumour says it's a snapshot taken by Eris as she fell from the heavens, but that doesn't exactly make sense in context... or does it??

- He points at various locations and asks what the deal is. Bunkertown is pointed out, as is Drudgespar the Goblin capital which was once a Dwarf fortress. The city of Grendel makes everyone go "oooo" because it's some sort of steampunk (or at the very least clockpunk) nonsense built around a single central crankshift that powers everything.
- The apocalypse dragon Mardük is currently in the northwest, but it tends to roam. It has a goblin city on its back and a chicken-legged house chained beneath its jaw.

- Finally, Zeppelino gives Nines a brief rundown on the Goblin Religion. It's not a religion for the goblins, it's just how the world works. It comes down to the concept of everything having two souls. One is born with their Body Soul, which starts strong and becomes weak. Over time one develops a Self Soul, which starts weak and grows over time. Objects can gain a Self Soul if they're loved and cared for. It's a bit Shinto, it's a bit speculative evolutionary biology, it's more than it sounds and less than it seems.

--- The Worst Pub

- Bulgur slams down the poisoned wine and begins to die.
- Outside, Gaius and Nines are offering Nines' services as a soil generator to various locals, earning some sort of monopoly money.
- Bulgur is dying for real though. Blood stains his lips. He looks at the bartender and the bartender says "oh no I must have given you the honey bleach!! Oh no!!!".

- Luckily Bulgur has the incredible ability to convert death to mere damage, chokes, and holds onto his life!
- The bartender tries to tame Bulgur with his Halfling mind control powers and Bulgur is having none of it! The mental backlash throws the Halfling to the floor, and then Bulgur reaches over and crunches the hobbit's head into the floor over and over and over.
- Bulgur grabs the honey wine from behind the bar (instead of the honey bleach) and takes a big swig. It is in fact also poisoned and he keels over as his guts start to dissolve.
- Brie arrives, says "oh no let me help!", and tries to seize Bulgur's last breath. Awkwardly Bulgur isn't quite dead, so Brie pretends like she was actually trying to help, honest.

- Brie flips the sign from open to closed and ah fuck... the waitress. The waitress turns out to be fucking hench and is insanely good at wrestling! Zeppelino runs in and immediately gets wrecked, getting corkscrewed in the face and rolling back and forth behind the counter until a lucky roll finally lets him get the better of the evil Halfling.

- Bulgur is weeping blood, so Brie pulls the First Aid kit off the wall, attempts First Aid and... holy shit! It works! Bulgur is saved!
- Bulgur takes the opportunity to pour honey wine down the slit throat of the Halfling waitress, she chokes on her own honey-tinted blood.

--- Anything You Can Find in the Mug House

- Brie takes the waitress' Last Breath and looks awkwardly at Bulgur. She got a Last Breath in the end so no hard feelings right?

- It's raining outside. Manrat opens the door, sees the absurd amount of blood, and enters in a vaguely apologetic sort of way. It's an Unmaking Rain outdoors, the sort of weather that unpicks stitches, ruins tents, and washes away the works of man, so he wants to get out of it for clear reasons.

- We briefly have to contend with the idea that Nines' clothes are made out of his own flesh. 

- I foolishly say that "anything you can find in this real pub" is in the fantasy pub, and so suddenly the party has a handcart and various accoutrements.

--- The Basement

- After a bit of a search in the back room (which is largely just a bunch of pub-related props) they find a hatch into the basement! Turns out these hobbit holes are spherical and the lower level has a ferrofluid-powered heat pump and further storage.

- Those exploring the basement start to sound deep-voiced - some sort of gas related issue. They leave in good time.

- Given that it's raining outside and nobody has bothered them just yet, they assume that the rest of the town's populace haven't quite realised that there's been one or more murders in this fake pub.

- Gaius takes the opportunity to cook "Spring Rain Rolls", utilising Slopworm, Rolling Cabbage, some non-poisoned Wine, Butter, and one of Manrat's ever-present rats. It's bizarrely tasty!

Total: 8000 exp

Loot:

- Poisoned Bar Snacks

- 17 debatably fake Halfling Dollars (17 exp)
- Poisoned honey wine

- A roll of 10-20 Boil-in-the-bag Body Bags

- Handfuls of "Merry Berries" (50 exp)
- Non-poisoned Wine (wow!) (100 exp)
- Book #410: How to Cook Humans (100 exp)
- Book #411: How to Cook Exactly Four Humans (100 exp)

- Book #161: Death and Sainthood (100 exp)

- Halfling-sized Vault-Tec suits (200 exp)
- Halfling-Sized blood-powered pip-boys (500 exp)

- Book #301: POWERLAD's Massive Weapon (100 exp)

- Book #129: The Shame of Dwarves (100 exp)
- Book #238: On Moondin (100 exp)
Total: 1467 exp

Murders:

- Driftwood Marionette (25 exp)
- Halfling Bartenders (100 exp)
Total: 125 exp

Exp Totals:

- Timothy / Gaius Julius Drusus, Level 2 Halfling: 2968 (Level up at 4000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Taming! +Backstory!

- Carter / Nines, Level 2 Inheritor: 2968 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 2 Barbarian: 2868 (Level up at 4000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- George / Manrat Snels, Level 2 Ratman: 2868 (Level up at 3500)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! A whole 4 Rats wow!  +Backstory!

- Ollie / Brie van der Hells, Level 2 Necromancer: 2768 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +New Spell!  +Backstory!

- Charles / Zeppelino, Level 1 Goblin: 1384 (Level up at 2000)