Session 390 - Rats on Cocaine

 Date: 19 November 1624

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Moon Face: Dragon Face

Zenith Deity: The Dead God

Returning Characters:

- Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Barbarian. Not leveling up for the first time.

- Nines, Inheritor. Dirt in his boots.

- Nostradama, Cleric of the Nonanist Faith. Requires guidance.

- Zeppelino, Goblin. Has a small crew of Buddies.

New Backstories:

- Nostradama was forced to drop out of culinary school after burning some eggs (and telling her daughter as much). She got a job as a labourer in a tarp factory instead, which is where she got the famous apocalypse-survival tarp from! Whenever an attempt at diplomacy fails, you get +2 AC for a ten minute Turn.

- Zeppelino nearly fell into a hole when he was younger, and thankfully his pod-brother was there to save him! If someone near you is going to make a check to prevent falling, you may grant them a reroll if they fail.

Events:

--- A Nice Day for a Real Fake Adventure

- We reconvene with our heroes in a fake jail reached via a sewer. Bulgur has the script for what's meant to happen next in the fake plot that the Halflings put together to distract invading hero-types. Thing is, the script says that there's real treasure in a real treasure room (guarded by a real minotaur ratman monster boss). It's too tempting to avoid!
- This particular jail room is a kind of hero moment where the heroes could free some unjustly imprisoned prisoners. Alas, everyone present understands that these are actors forced to act for their various real crimes (as all actors should be).

- Nostradama is the Cleric today and informs everyone that the current God is the Dead God, who makes it harder for people to die. Very nice! It's also a Dragon Face Moon, and due to mysterious and troubling reasons it means that gravity is slightly lighter and that something interesting is happening to runes. Alas, nobody knows what runes are (allegedly) so this is just kinda cool rather than a great boon.
- They open up the secret extra door and reveal a room full of corpses!
- Zeppelino rushes in to loot the bodies.

--- Bulgur Strides Forth

- Chuckling and conversation can be heard beyond this room, and Bulgur strides ahead to question the conversationalists! It's a young Halfling woman, and on seeing the largeling approaching she stops chatting and gets into character. A young Halfling man scurries from across the room too.

- It's a classic liar/truthteller guard setup! Treasure and a big portcullis labelled "Lair of the Minorat" are beyond! Bulgur reads the answer off the script, to the guards' chagrin.
- Bulgur starts teasing them with confusing questions. Meanwhile Zeppelino is arming his recalcitrant minions.

- Guards disabled, they explore a little further. In one room they find stalls. Toilet stalls! Since they're currently below the sewer level, these are basically just seats over buckets that need to be emptied regularly.

--- Cocaine Barbarian is the name of my new thrash band

- They try the door beyond the room where the ratman are and... egads! A Ratman! Not a huge minotaur ratmen, but a normal sized ratman! It's still a big fellow! And behind it is a swarm of rats who love him!

- It bites Bulgur and they discover... the Ratman is on drugs! Furthermore, Ratmen have a toxic bite that spreads any toxins or diseases they're carrying! Bulgur's eyes briefly roll back as the Notcoke takes hold. +1 amped bonus to hit, +1 overconfidence bonus to fumbles.

- Everyone else misses the drugged up ratboy. Bulgur does not. His notcoke-fuelled strike from his Pumpkinhead absolutely mashes the Ratman!

- His plague of rodents, tears in their eyes, tries to nibble Bulgur to death to no avail. Their next attack is better though! The swarm somehow cleaves through and attacks Nines!

- Meanwhile the Halfling guards have backed away and are attempting to pull some unmarked levers on either side of a big portcullis at the other side of the room. Zeppelino and his goblins run over to prevent them doing whatever they're doing! A portcullis drops down over the entrance, trapping the party within!

- Nostradama is splatting rats. She also sees they've all got little notcoke nosebags, which is probably why they're so agile. She swiftly snorts up all the little baggies. Cocaine Cleric! More of a shoegaze band name, or possibly an insufferable youtube celeb.

--- The Minorat Cometh

- Shenanigans over at the levers involve the death of a Goblin Buddy, the opening of the exit portcullis, the death of the other guard (Gareth) and... THE RELEASE OF THE MINORAT!
- It's genuinely a huge ratman, rats swarming over and... inside??? its muscles. Or are the rats the muscles? It's a huge dude anyway! And he's got horns taped to his skull! And only a shirt, no pants - Steamboat Willie!
- It's a boss monster. It must be attacked! Bulgur smashes in with the Pumpkinhead, right in the no-pants region, and the huge rat doubles over. Despite his rat colony's attempts to block, Bulgur's Barbarian powers allow him to see... this guy has 9HP left.

- Nostradama invokes the Nine and calls forth Minerva, who grants her armour to these faithful! Minerva personally comes down and speaks to Nostradama, then vanishes, leaving them with a shield of faith! Alas, Nostradama is all out of miracles now.
- Others attack the big boss, but it's all down to Bulgur in the end, mashing with the Pumpkinhead Axe and severing every limb with a spinning Barbarian whirlwind axe attack!

- Nostradama sees her chance and kills the last guard (Mildred) by choking her to death with a big chunk of bread. It's somehow more brutal.

--- Grab Dat Cache

- They loot the treasure room and find, to their delight, that it's real treasure!

- In addition to 8000 obols-worth of loose treasure (which those in the know quickly absorb under their skin as Debt Tattoos),
-- Bulgur finds a vial of lubricant,
-- Zeppelino finds a Repair Kit that repairs gear, 

-- Nines fittingly finds a little animated toy Rat Pack that follows you around and can carry stuff for you, 

-- and Nostradama finds a Shield of Spell Absorption which has a demon face which eats and releases spells targeted at the bearer.

- Bulgur also loots the next room and finds 22 doses of Notcoke in little baggies. His eyes roll gleefully.

--- Control Room

- Everyone has a quick snack, including Nines who is eating Gareth and stealing his form.
- "Gareth" opens the next (final?) door and descends into a sort of control room. They chat for a bit, but the Halflings within are desperately trying to prevent their part of the city from blowing up after the local destruction protocols got triggered last session.
- The party instead try to head up! The Halfling parliament is above after all!
- They break through and... oh no! A hospital is above! It falls away easily due to the RAAC concrete construction of the infrastructure! The Parliament part of the plot was also a lie!

--- Bathhouse-Five

- Oh well, they can't finish off the scripted plot. Might as well check out the farms maybe? See where the beef comes from? Most importantly, better get out of dodge in case the place really does blow up!
- They head through the (well-signposted) sewers until they reach Westerling, the relatively safe and relatively non-hostile part of Bunkertown.

- Zeppelino pops out of the manhole and demands that a nearby child tell him the way to the nearest bathhouse!

- Turns out there is a bathhouse! Halflings were the original Romans, after all. Makes sense.

- There are distant explosions over in Northfell. I wonder what caused those!

- The Bathhouse is bloody lovely. One weird thing though... Nines recognises the bouncer on the door. It's Henan, his old mob boss! Since he's in Gareth form he doesn't make a scene.
- A Halfling greets the doublings and asks as to their master. It's Gareth of course!

- All things in order, everyone gets the full spa treatment. Bulgur and Nostradama have a lovely time, little massage, oiled up and scraped off with a curved knife, the works!
- Zepellino is in a horror story. The olive oil... the parboiling... they're cooking him! They're cooking his remaining Buddy! Oh god! OH GOD! The buddy is already being CARVED UP!!!

- Zeppelino flees, unbenownst to the others who are served some delicious "vegetarian hors d'oeuvres". Very fresh!

--- Onwards to Grendel

- Afterwards everyone (even Zeppelino, despite the panic attacks) feels fully refreshed. How lovely!
- To the delight of the people of Bunkertown, they decide to head off into the Wastes instead of sticking around.

- Next stop - the clockwork city of Grendel. It sounds cool, so why not!

Total: 9000 exp

Murders:

- Two Halfling guards (20 exp)
- A coked-up Ratman and his coked-up rat friends (75 exp)

- A huge rat-minotaur (250 exp)

Total: 345 exp

Treasure:

- 8000 obols (8000 exp)

- Vial of lube

- Repair Kit repairs all Notches (5 uses)
- Rat Pack is a little stuffed rat that follows you and carries up to 5 items in an adorable fashion

- Shield of Spell Absorption absorbs spells you save against and releases it against the next person who misses you with an attack(because they hit the shield).

- 22 doses of Notcoke (220 exp)

Total: 8220 exp

Roles:

- Carter the Chronicler, Expedition Leader, Cartographer, Paymaster, and Role-Greedy Person De Jour (400 exp/level)

- Zoë the Quartermaster and Chef (200 exp/level)

- Kitty the Vanguard (100 exp/level)

Exp Totals:

- Carter / Nines, Level 5 Inheritor: 18185 (Level up at 36000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Bulgur, Son of Borgar, Level 5 Barbarian: 16085 (Level up at 32000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to Saves! +Barbarian Power! +Backstory!

- Charles / Zeppelino, Level 4 Goblin: 8351 (Level up at 16000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Buddy! +Backstory!

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Buddy! +Backstory!

- Zoe / Nostradama, Level 3 Cleric of Nonanism: 6176 (Level up at 9000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Saves! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 to Starting Faith! +Backstory!