Session 235 - Dragon Doom

A fight against an actual dragon! Death and dismemberment! Kitty survives by pure bullshit! Tom dies a lot and fucks over the party! Grumpy is grumpy! Gifflewim shows up!

Man that session was a real microcosm of our game, and all from a single small decision to take some treasure back to town while other people were away. Upshot is that Damnation Snels can literally see sin now, and Andromeda is a flame-eyed night-skinned black-scaled dragon person with wings. The more things change the more they stay the same I guess! Plus we've got some more foreign correspondence from the Red Letter this week...

Murder in the Meatlands Red Wooster Editrix in Chief Someone was supposed to write this bit, but they got eated by a pig. It was a big pig though, like not a normal pig, a super big one! Anyway, mostly I am not supposed to write because I am the boss they say, but right now I did so much stabbing that I think I have earned it. Plus, most of the other people here have hurt arms and legs because they are not the best at duelling like I am. But anyway, that's not important, the important bit is us coming here. It is way cool here because everything is made out of food!! That food also wants to eat you, but you just stab it enough and it dies!!! And then you eat it!!!! It is so cool!!!!! Ok, so Chastity says I can't use so many exclamation marks, but what does she know? Just because she has a handbag, and makeups, and so many pretty dresses. I'm still the boss, that's what Editdix means! Anyway she is off doing weird stuff with Barrett and she doesn't want to be bothered then, even if it is important or I am curious. So I am allowed to write the article! Let me tell you, it is all very gooey here. Like everything is made from insides, but there are also things here where their outsides are like their insides. It is ok though, because they get stabbed just like regular things and their blood comes out, even though they look inside out, isn't that cool? And then we came to a house, and the house people were really nice. And they talked to us, but I wasn't listening. Instead I went and patted the other Barrett who is all tied up. Barrett doesn't know that I know there are two of him, but I like that there are two of him because he said he was my friend and if there are two of him there are twice as many friends. Anyway, then the house that the house people were at turned out to be a big monster, and the house people were not people but a bit of its tongue. It was like this time that Dad brought both of me to the ocean floor and there are these fish that lure other fish with lights. So, some people got eaten by them, and we were sad, but not too sad because I hit it real hard with a sword and then we ate it and it was yummy. There are many things here which are fun to fight, most of them are nice to eat too, except the ones that aren't. Don't eat those ones. I give this destination five stars!

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and we have a fiction fanatic from Carter who introduces to that most fell of beings... the Shovelman... Shovel A group of miners yawned around the campfire, struggling to stay awake through their watch. Young people all, they had been pressed into their duties by the older miners who valued their sleep. ‘I heard the only reason there’s a watch is that the Shovelman is about’ one whispered to his companions. Every miner was Arnold Nonynus to outsiders but when they were alone this one was called Jeb. ‘Eh, the Shovelman is just a story Arnold came up with. Wants to big himself up ‘innit.’ As the latest rumour to hit the mines came up everyone started to sit up. ‘I heard the Shovelman can extinguish all torches with a wave of his staff.’ ‘Staff? I thought it was a halberd’ ‘If he’s carrying stuff like that why are we calling him the Shovelman?’ asked the Angela Nonynus on guard duty. A pretty young thing she was a devout Laddite and all the boys enjoyed the sight of her devotions during a storm. ‘Because,’ Jeb answered, dropping his voice into a stage whisper, ‘after he puts out the lights, he picks up your shovel and beats you to death with it. If you try to flee he’ll fling it and take out your legs.’ ‘But don’t worry,’ the Arnold called Hammer guffawed. ‘I’ll protect you.’ Hammer drew the ire of every young man there as he casually draped one arm over the Angela’s shoulder, and the laughter of everyone when she elbowed him in the face and he toppled back off the lump of rock they were using as a bench. When he surged back to his feet everyone stood up. ‘Walk it off Arnold,’ everyone chanted together. Flipping them off the embarassed Hammer stomped off into the dark. The others settled back at the campfire as the cruch of his footsteps faded away. ‘Who else has a Shovelman story,’ Angela invited and the boys set to weaving elaborate stories. The first ones were shaky as they started inventing and weaving their tales but as the night bore on each tale became an elaborate sketch of darkness and horror. - An hour later, an Arnold commented ‘Where has Hammer got to?’ Everyone had been having a good time laughing at Jeb who had flubbed the delivery of his story so badly it had become a comedy. As Arnold asked everyone felt an unseasonable chill and started looking out into the darkness, night-blind from the fire. ‘Arnold,’ Angela boomed in a voice so loud the others covered their ears, ‘Get your ass back here!’ No sound returned, not even annoyed grunts from the miners’ cabins to keep it down. They had moved to the further away second firepit to escape the foul smell of something that had burned at dinner. As the seconds ticked by and no sound was forthcoming, Angela started drawing in breath for another shout when something came flying out of the darkness at her head. One of the Arnold’s smacked it off course and it slammed into the gravel by the fire. A shovel. ‘Oh real funny Hammer,’ Angela called out, quieter and her voice less certain. ‘I’m not sure it was a joke,’ Jeb interrupted pointing at a red smear over the edge of the shovel’s blade. Worse when he picked up the hammer to look at it closer, a lump of matted hair slid off the edge and splat loudly against the ground. ‘Fuck! Hammer, call out here!’ Arnold screamed into the darkness. Standing on the edge of the circle of light it seemed to be getting darker around him. Glancing at his feet the circle of firelight was retreating. Scrambling backwards he stared at the fire. The flames were slowly shrinking and leading from the darkness to the fire was a line of frost. Everyone felt the chill of night around them but also the uncomfortable cold of glyph magic. After some shimmying an Arnold jumped onto the line, protecting the fire and freezing himself. After a few moments the beam of frost abated and the Arnold started to warm again but the fire was low and the circle of light had shrunk. ‘Stand and fight coward’ someone shouted into the darkness and soon everyone was shouting. After a minute with nothing happening they fell silent and fear clawed at their hearts. Someone started to speak but fell silent as they all heard the scarpe of something metal being drawn through the gravel. Slowly, out of the darkness between them and the cabins, something was approaching.

---

Session 235 - Dragon Doom

Date:
15 years after the End.

March 

New Characters:
- Abraxas, a wizard who has somehow survived out in the wastes gnawing on bones. He says his arcane knowledge came from someone he ate, along with his memories of being more than 150 years old.
- Unnamed Ratman, a ratman released from the earth with an outrageous foreign accent. Cursed with naiveté.
- Arnold Nonymous, one of many of the Arnolds who work in the saviourbone mine - and a secret goblin!

New Backstory:

- Grumpy: Well known for being the party’s main cook, Grumpy’s rarely cooked a meal that wasn’t incredibly tasty. +1 Intelligence Modifier

Character List:

Murders:
- An Explosion Dragon (1500 exp)
Total: 1500 exp

Salvage:
- An Explosion Dragon Core (10 000 exp)
- Dragon Skin
- Infra-Eyes
- Devil Eyes
Total: 10 000 exp

Events:

--- Expedition Day 3: Stormy Sunrise
- The sky crackles over the party’s camp at the edge of the Storm Shell. It is the Warning, the stormy weather system that often presages a deadly Gas Front. Thunder booms as lightning strikes the huge hemispherical body of the Seraphim crashed a mile or so beyond the dome, exposed to the post-apocalyptic elements.
- Man-sized brass orbs have been left dotted in small groups around the camp - the deactivated corpses of Angels the party recently defeated. They’re heavy but rather valuable, and the question of the day when the party emerge from their sealed tents is what to do with them.
- Damnation Snels recommends burying them for now, then heading back out to the crashed Seraphim for more. Grumpy insists that it’ll be easier to just drag them back to New Moondin, saying that he can’t be bothered to dig holes all day.
- Andromeda breaks the tie, "we might as well take them back to Moondin to kill time". Travelling outside of the Shell during the Warning is way too risky and they might as well do something while they wait for it to pass.
- As they’re about to leave, a wanderer from the wastes shows up! Holding nothing but rags and a bone he carved with strange symbols. He is intrigued by the survival gear and filter masks of the party, especially since he somehow survived out there without them!

--- Rolling Out

- An extra pair of hands is very welcome, and together the party set off towards New Moondin with the angel corpses lashed together with ropes bobbling along behind them. It’s slow going.
- They make for the POWERLAD skeleton on the hilltop to the south - the site of the Saviourbone Mine. On the way the air turns sour - a waft of choking mist that exhausts them as they travel. Abraxas’ firefly familiar hides deeper in his scraggly beard.
- It takes them a good few hours to get up the hill and they’re absolutely pooped by the time they reach the mine. They’re forced to rest a while, and while they do they ask around for whether someone here can take the angels back for them.
- All the miners call themselves Arnold Nonimus to outsiders, possibly for tax reasons. They’re willing to courier the angels for 20 obols each - a price the party finds outrageous! Snels tries to con a man into digging holes for him but doesn’t have much luck. Andromeda tries to forecast the weather and finds its’ too changeable to tell.
- There are still a few hours left in the day and New Moondin is just a few miles away so they decide to press on. Even if they have to travel at night they can just follow the road now. They set off downhill, following the road through the pass through the hills. Abraxas cantrips Fairie Fire to lead them from cairn to cairn. Just a short walk down to the town. Nothing could go wrong, could it?

- Spoilers: It could.

--- BOOM
- The Dragon erupts from the earth!

- Searing bright skin leaves after-images as it stutter-shifts forwards! It jitters and shimmers, a chaos of stop-start strobing movement, juddering and huge.
- Abraxas begins to cast a spell and BOOM it’s behind Andromeda! Reforming from scattered strings of explosive force, it grabs her in its jaws and shakes her around dealing massive damage!
- It is orange-white and wiry, caught in a constant continuing explosion somehow constrained into a dragon-shape. Its eyeless face holds the Mass rune. Grumpy jabbers away madly about runes and glyphs and what this even means!

- Abraxas’ faerie fire surrounds it in a shimmering purple veil of flame and Andromeda draws on POWERLAD’s energies to grow huge and buff! She tries to force its jaws open with the massive greathammer to no avail.
- Damnation Snels runs in to save her, forcing its jaws apart with his arms, but it’s not enough! Andromeda’s leg is nearly torn off as she twists against its teeth.
- She screams in pain and yells down its gullet, shouting that she’s part of Ereshkigal’s drakencult herself! They’re the same!
- The dragon freezes for a second, and a voice echoes up from inside it! It’s the voice of a Banjo Fishwick, one of the many time-cloned cultists from before the apocalypse! He tells her to get away, he can’t hold it for long!
- Abraxas is out of spells so he tries over-casting, drawing on chaotic energies to pull together a Magic Missile and sending it into the dragon’s head! Explosive shards scatter from the impact point and the feedback hurts him, his firefly familiar zipping out of the dragon’s mouth and into his chest which opens up as a black sucking wound.
- Andromeda lands on the ground and heals herself with POWERLAD’s grace, then gets to a distance so she can re-engage. Damnation Snels lets go of the dragon’s jaws and swings up onto its head, shooting the dragon in the skull! It’s not enough, and the beast’s head snaps up to chomp him with its detonating fangs!
- Abraxas, undaunted, starts weaving another Magic Missile while Grumpy wields his glaive like a golf club to smack an explosive shard back into the dragon! The force is enough to give Snels an opening and he breaks out of its mouth and rolls, leaping to his feet and running back the other way!

- Grumpy attempts to turn the angel corpses into a terrain hazard by blowing up a bunch of explosive shards to no avail - they’re too heavy.
- Abraxas opens his veins to fuel the magic and hits the dragon with another Missile. He blacks out for a moment and falls to his knees, but he’s still standing!
- Snels breaks out of the dragon’s jaws again, flips his pistol around, and tries to blind the dragon somehow! Its eyeless face swings towards him and he shoots it in the forehead! A chunk of its face is blown off, but the impact gets Snels in the face! He’s blind too!
- The dragon roars and BOOM it’s suddenly on Andromeda again, blind but attracted by their common bond! She ducks under its claws and it hurts itself in its blindess.
- Abraxas tries for another Magic Missile… but it’s too much. Chaos manifests through him, metal spires and bridges crossed by small arguing people judge him lacking, and a marble statue of a woman erupts from his skull and pulls out his eyes from behind. He stays there, unmoving, a grim tableau. The dragon doesn’t care at all.

- It bites down at Andromeda… and stops! Grumpy’s shot it through the jaw, disabling its bite! Andromeda doesn’t miss a beat, she takes the god-hammer, leaps up off the dragon’s snout, and sends herself flying into the air above the dragon!
- She seems to pause their a moment, held in midair, then falls down towards the dragon’s head!
- BOOM
- She plummets right through the dragon’s skull!

- There is a beat as she lands under its shattered head. The dragon glows orange, then yellow, then white. And
- BOOM! 

- The dragon explodes!
- Andromeda is thrown wetly into the hillside and erupts into flames! Her clothing, armour and skin are vapourised and she shrieks as she stumbles down the hill, trailing fire.

- Suddenly Snels is there, sprinting down the opposite hill, hands alight with healing energies. Grumpy wills the Void Pet to cover Andromeda… and it obeys him! The grey ooze ripples through the intervening space and wraps her in its cool star-flesh.
- Snels heals her through the goop and she collapses to the ground, breathing hard through the coating of gunmetal grey that is forming to her body. She’s alive!
- In the silence that follows, they notice that where the dragon once stood is a shining boulder of black crystal, an exploding man-shape trapped within its depths.

--- Expedition Night 3: Ratboy and the Miners
- The sun dips towards the horizon, sending shining purple aurorae shimmering off the Storm Shell which still crackles with the Warning. A snuffling figure crawls towards a group of people from the crack a dragon opened in the ground. He is a Ratman, drawn by the smell of cooked flesh.
- They see him coming. There is a blind human man, a being made of night, and a Dwarf who pays him to go to go up the road and get help from the men who mine a dragon’s bones.
- The Dwarf swathes the night-lady in a cloak as the Ratman moves off. Easy money! He chitters a joke to the rat on his shoulder. He hears the Hideyhole Rats living nearby snigger at his good joke.

- It’s an hour to the bone mine and the night has fallen by the time he arrives. The moon is a thin crescent above the clouds, it’s pitch dark but the Ratman has clever whiskers to see with. His nose and whiskers find bins! He snuffles around the bins and finds a juicy snack when he tips one over. Delicious!
- There is a cry from the mine and a lantern is lit. He’s caught in the lantern light! He tries to explain himself, but nobody likes a Ratman. They tell him to leave, but he refuses and tries to explain!
- The warning shot goes over his head, but he is a brave rat and won’t back down! The second shot nearly misses him, shearing fingers off his paw! It hurts! It hurts bad!
- The guard approaches, gun drawn, and the Ratman lunges! He bites with his sharp teeth and they close on… a gun?

--- Night of the Shovelman
- Arnold Nonimus pulls the trigger. The shot blasts straight through the horrid creature and out the back of its neck, severing the spine. He did it! What a fucking hero!
- The ratman’s body slumps to the ground, oozing pus, and he turns around to tell the other miners about his success! The beast even had cash on him, classic monster-slaying reward.
- None of the other miners know this Arnold Nonimus’ secret - he’s a goblin in disguise! Not that it matters - he’s just a goblin trying to make his way in the post-apocalyptic world.

- The miners clap him on the back and congratulate him on his success defending the mine… when suddenly another shape looms from the darkness! It’s another monster! The miners open fire, and are horrified when the shape speaks!
- Shots whirr out into the darkness, any that hit barely seem to harm it. What the hell is that thing? Something spins out of the dark and shatters the lantern. A shovel!?
- In the dark there is a cry as a miner is hit by something shovel-shaped. Fear! Fear in the ranks! The Shovelman is here, and he cannot be killed!
- The trapdoor to the miner’s shelter pops open, shedding light amongst the terrified miners. Another shovel whirrs from the darkness, shuffing shovel-first into the earth next to the open hatch!
- The Arnold Nonimus in the hatch starts passing out loaded carbines and Make-Light runes hewn from Saviourbone. They toss the lights out, and reveal… nothing. The Shovelman is gone.

--- Gifflewim’s Great Deal
- A decidedly miffed Grumpy stumps down the road away from the Saviourbone Mine. It’s just not fucking fair. And what happened to that ratman? Did he nick the money or what? At least he put the fear of the Shovelman in those idiots.

- He comes across Andromeda and Snels who were following at a slower pace. They’re looking up at daylight shining from on top of a cliff, even though it’s night. What’s going on?
- Andromeda wills her Void Pet to take her up there, and it does! But in so doing it tears off from her skin, causing her immense pain! Nevertheless she’s up there now. Those below hear a cry of recognition - “Gifflewim?”
- Indeed, it is he! He stands behind a fine wooden desk at the centre of a bubble of a warm spring day, holding an umbrella that keeps the light sprinkling of rain off his head. He wears a fine suit, and greets Andromeda as a friend. He has many wares to trade - strangeness for strangeness.
- She asks for skins and is given a range of options - Metal Skin, Ghost Skin or Dragon Skin. Snels is brought up to the barter table when she asks Gifflewim about eyes. He offers Infra Eyes, Ultra Eyes and Devil Eyes. Bartering begins in earnest!
- He is extremely interested when the prospect of trading the explosion dragon’s core is raised. It’s shockingly valuable… but so is skin and sight.
- A deal is struck! The dragon core for a set of skin and two pairs of eyes! Andromeda takes the Dragon Skin - granting her boosted AC and the ability to fly for an hour per day - and a pair of eternally-burning Infra-Eyes that allow her to see in Predator-style heat vision. Snels takes the snake-pupilled Devil Eyes, allowing him to see sin!
- Gifflewim takes the stone, warping it to his side. He experiments with it, tracing a Make-Mass glyph and powering it successfully! The stone cracks slightly.
- “That’s interesting,'' he says with a wink at Grumpy who’s just managed to climb up the cliff, then claps his hands and disappears! Gifflewim is gone.

Total: 3100 exp

Team Bonus:
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus
- Balls to the Wall bonus
- Best of Intentions bonus
- Better Part of Valour bonus
- Brutal Kill bonus
- Dramatic Battle bonus
- Dramatic Rescue bonus
- Holy bonus
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus
- Infamy bonus
- Internecine Strife bonus
- Leave a Man Behind bonus
- Ludicrous Gore bonus
- Michael Bay bonus
- PETA bonus
- Pundemonium bonus
- Pyrrhic Victory bonus
- Split the Party bonus
- Vore bonus
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong bonus
- What The Fuck Guys bonus
- WWE bonus
Total: 1100 exp

Individual Bonus:
- Chronicler (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Expedition Leader (George / Snels - 100 exp)
- Cartographer (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Paymaster (Carter / Grumpy - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Vanguard (Tom / ? - 100 exp)
- Triage (Kitty / Andromeda - 100 exp)
- Chef (George / Snels - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Kitty, Tom - 500 exp ea.)
- Art Attack bonus (Tom, Carter - 100 exp ea.)
- Artapalooza bonus (Tom, Carter - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience bonus (Andromeda - 100 exp ea.)
- Death’s Witness Bonus (Snels, Andromeda, Grumpy - 100 exp)

Injuries:
- Damnation Snels lost his eyes in a gambit. He later got them replaced with Demon Eyes.
- Andromeda lost her skin when an Explosion Dragon detonated in its death throes. She survived when her Void Pet bonded to her skin, and has since gained Dragon Skin and Infra-Eyes.

Death Toll:
- Abraxas the Mage, killed when a marble-skinned woman erupted from his skull and bathed in his brain matter.
- Ratboy, a poor unassuming ratman shot to death when he approached a camp at night.

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 6 Laddite Cleric: 40085 (Level up at 56000)

- George / Praise-God-For-He-Gave-His-Only-Son-So-That-We-Might-Be-Saved-From-Damnation Snels, Level 6 Snelsman Cleric: 31331 (Level up at 56000) Level Up: +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Starting Faith! +Backstory!

- Carter / Granite "Grumpy" Ironjaw, Level 5 Grudgesmith Dwarf: 24642 (Level up at 35200)

- Tom / Tom's Next Character: +4725 exp