Session 320 - Sightseeing in my Flesh Balloon

Date: 18 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Third Quarter - Dragonwane
Zenith: Oberon

New Characters: 
- Jojo Fullbeard, Muscle Wizard daughter of Iskander who was once a Disaster Repairperson.
- Parabolus, a Specialist who specialises in... ventriloquism. Has a ventriloquist's dummy.

New Backstories:
- Suspiria attempted a forbidden spell and accidentally turned her entire school into an illusion. Countless lives lost and replaced by illusory simulacra. She went into hiding as a result, ending up as a taste tester at Ferfect Fried Chicken.

Events:

--- USS Abomination

- Negotiations have taken place atop the flesh tree Dharga. Aemilius will join the tree as Emperor - less a balancing force and more of an unhinged Emperor who will demand tribute and cause enough internal bickering that the Dharga will be reduced as a threat.
- Also, the Meatlands will be pulled back to the base of the tree, no doubt by merely cutting off circulation to the Meatlands proper. It's August, so the hot sun is sure to make the miles of gangenous flesh smell real good and tasty.

- Finally... they want a ship...

- The Unsightly Symbiotic Ship Abomination is formed!
- Featuring the dulcet tones of Jonathon Toast whose brain has been sacrificed and "upgraded" to form the ship's Awful Intelligence, the ship is huge and rather stupid. Suspiria's familiar loves hanging around the blowhole and pretending to be smoke from the engine. Most of the organs are in the rear, and there's a big Bucket Extrusion And Manipulation device known as the B.E.A.M. to transfer them up and down from the ship. It's... perfect!

- Swan the Swift retires to oversee the Wheatlands project. A wandering ventriloquist named Parabolus arrives conveniently.
- Iskander spends a little while in some sort of poorly explained time travel plot wherein Samantha Bread bears a child - JoJo Athena Fullbeard.

--- Neo-Spacedin
- After some time with all this, they set off on the USS Abomination! First stop - Neo-Spacedin.
- From above they can see the shanty-town that has sprung up around the crashed UFO. They land on the ship's retractable widdle  paws and disembark into what seems suspiciously like a quarry in Wales.

- There are a whole load of bright green blobs dotted around singing about how their god has come! As the airship takes off Parabolus throws his voice to make it sound like the airship itself is speaking and calling the party the emissaries of God.

- The blobs ask where the party is going and they tell them it's Neo-Spacedin. The blobs are all "oooh we can take you there! Help us get in so we can chill!". The party is suspicious.
- Nevertheless, the blobs do lead the party to town. A man in a watchtower holding a laser rifle hails the party... but warns them not to let the blobs in because they drank all the booze. The party get in, accidentally letting a blob or two in, and leaving the disappointed remaining blobs to wheedle at the guards.
- The party hits up the local pub, an extremely tacky reggae themed bar called the Rastaroid. They are, in fact, out of booze. The slimes drank it all!

--- Oven Pizza Horror
- The crashed spaceship is examined and the matter replicator is still stuck on hawaiian oven pizza mode. It turns out all the town's booze is pineapple liqueur made from the pineapple people pick off the pizza.

- [[[Extended jokes and several people crying with laughter here]]]

- There is extended discussion about whether they should try to fix the replicator, because what if they break it? Jojo manages to at least make the pizza come out faster so it doesn't start out reheated. The townsfolk are overjoyed and rename the Hawaiian pizza to The Jojo Pizza.

--- Other Residents
- In town there is a mysterious statue that speaks only in Psalms, worshipped by priests which dragged it here from the wastes. It's the original Snels!
- The Hyperchurch of POWERLAD is the town's main church. The grave of Flowers Penurious is here in the graveyard where grieving worshippers bench-press the gravestones.
- A house with darkened windows contains some vampire refugees. They are a bit pathetic, begging for blood. Suspiria decides against giving them some blood in exchange for a weapon.
- The vampire Luna tells them that Bertha still rules Mt Death Frost, and Cyrus has not been seen for years.

- Swan the Swift briefly arrives with an investment opportunity - the Wheatlands! Wheat beer to change up the pineapple liqueur, and non-pizza wheat products! Plus the vampires can have thrall serfs and be feudal lords! The townsfolk seem pretty pleased with the idea.

- A colony of Mod Cons still reside in the ship, where they have a gaming area set up. Each person in the party persuades a random Mod Con to come with them, from a dimmer bulb for Jojo to an electric toothbrush for Dorian!

- Suspiria, at a blob's behest, kicks it and catches the smaller blob that comes flying out in a bottle. It's a familiar in training! The smoke familiar is immediately jealous.
- Finally, Parabolus asks about the emergency transmission they picked up in Enoch. It was a transmission from Neo-Spacedin to encourage refugees from the growth of the Dharga and the fallout of the diamond dome being destroyed. They are taken to see a special guest... Grumpy the Dwarf!
- He's rocking slowly on a bed next to a stack of uneaten pizza, occasionally mumbling about having lived a thousand thousand lives. Sometimes people emerge from Fate far above, and they're compos mentis but have no memories, and integrate into the community. Grumpy is a little different though, and they don't know why.

- Sounds like someone should investigate Fate!

--- Ascending to Fate

- They return to the ship, satisfied that Neo-Spacedin is going alright and has some interesting stuff going on.
- Ascending back to the ship in the BEAM, they realise that some of these blobs have clung to the bucket! They're stuck under the bottom of the bucket for now, but they might escape...
- Suspiria installs the Mod-Con Playstation in the Hollow Deck. It only has xbox games but who knows what the future might bring? 

- They ascend into the evening sky, turning towards Fate, and blimp their way up and up.
- Lights glimmer below. Fearing air defences, they kick a blob off the ship... nothing. No lasers, no defensive turrets... just light and the faint sound of chatter and music.
- The blimp docks at the only place it really can - the top of the spire of the central sundial-shaped palace! The crew BEAM down, to loud gasps from the crowd below!

- It's just like old times. The steam and cogs of the great Fortress City, the streets filled with hurrying masses, the crowds in clothes from before the end of the world!
- Guards show up in sundial hats, of course. The entry was not exactly subtle. They demand to know who authorised this flesh balloon in the simulation! The party asks them to take them to whoever's in charge.

- Suspiria, hiding behind her mask, is nudged by someone in the crowd. She's been mistaken as a member of the Masquerade faction... but fails the secret codephrase and the person vanishes into the crowd.

- The guards take them through an official looking door and into a sort of backstage area. It turns out Fate is all a big LARP! They meet the LARP coordinator for this area and she's baffled that the party, and the airship, came from outside, she thought everything out there was meant to be dead!
- Suspiria casts Old News, causing everyone within a mile to think that the party's arrival is old news. Known, but not remarked on much any more. The party have entered the LARP...

Total: 6000 exp

Treasure:

- Mod-Con Dimmer Bulb
- Mod-Con Playstation 1 w/ xbox games
- Mod-Con TV Remote
- Mod-Con Electric Toothbrush

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 5 Inheritor: 28109 (Level up at 36000)

- Tom / Suspiria, Level 3 Magic-User: 6184 (Level up at 9000)

- George / Parabolus, Level 1 Specialist Ventriloquist: 1600 (Level up at 1750)

- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 1 Muscle Wizard: 1600 (Level up at 2250)

Session 319 - Boss Battle at the Dharga's Heart!

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:

- Aemilius Princeps lost a lot of money, incredible amounts of riches in fact, after the Empire was invaded by hordes of barbarians. Once per session, somehow work out the general location of something that used to belong to you.

- Suspiria was starving to death, and when she saw a beggar drop a crust of bread she ate it without any guilt at all. Get maximum health when you eat to heal.
- Dorian made the first romantic move with a lover in the painting dimension and had a long, beautiful, imaginary relationship. Once per session, cause someone to make a romantic advance upon you.
- Swan the Swift confronted the wizard Merlin, who locked him in a coffin for 1000 years before he emerged into the present day! At will, cause a creature to prioritise you.

Events:

--- Final Battle
- They are at the elevator once again. The elevator that will take them all the way up to the final boss room. In the centre, the glowing orb of a Save Point shimmers.

- They hit the orb and their HP is reset! Definitely a pre-boss battle save zone!

- With that, the elevator rises. Up into the beating heart of the Dharga, then up and up further until they finally reach the crest of the flesh-tree. The world is laid out before them. The huge presence of the dormant Fortress-City looms in the centre of the shattered dino-dome. Distantly, the rippling forcefield over New Moondin shimmers.
- Nestled in the huge peristaltic flesh of the tree, arranged evenly around the elevator, are three platforms of black glass, bulging meat, and a wide shallow cup wreathed with grapevines. Upon each is a monstrous manifestation of one of the entities that make up the Dharga - Sir Robyn, Styx, and Dargo himself.

- And finally, also here to pester the party, are the Valkyries! The witch with the boiling cauldron, the hotheaded redhead guy with TWO razor shields now, and bow-wielding prepubescent girl who is totally a thousand years old.

--- Battle is Joined!

- The battle begins, and dice are rolled to generate what happens each round... this time it's the huge Styx being teleported into the central elevator, along with a gang of the dressed-up ratmen and ghouls from below!
-Styx declares that using "programmarie" he can program the Dharga to do whatever you want! No need to destroy it! The party quickly indentify the flaw in this plan - they'd have to trust Styx.

- The anime witch magics Dorian and a skeleton into her cauldron on the black glass zone, bone soup! They take damage from the boiling potion, and random spells begin erupting from the cauldron.
- The skeleton turns to bone-mush, but Dorian uses his demonic power to shlorp out of the cauldron and attack the witch with his stirge-borne mosquito proboscis! The witch is being drained of blood!
- Suspiria begins shaping spells unbound and throwing them into the combat. Magic missiles hit the bow-wielding Valkyrie, despite her position on top of the extendo-lance!
- Celebus is under attack from the other Valkyries AND Styx! Luckily they only destroy one of his companion skeletons.
- Swan finds himself in an embarrassing life-or-death struggle for survival against... a fake ratman. He just keeps bungling the wrestle rolls. Iskander stifles a laugh, decapitates a ghoul-woman, and spins gracefully through the air to combo into the bow-wielding loli cleave her in twain!
- But oh shit she was older than she looked... and was pregnant! Iskander tries to grab the falling foetus, fumbles it, and squeezes it out of his hands like soap. It lands on the metal surface of the shallow cup-platform with a splat.

--- No Funny Business!
- The next round sees Sir Robyn swap out with Styx in the central elevator. He brings with him an ultimatum - Rules Lawyer mode! Only generic abilities can be used, and no funny business like gambits!
- Sir Robyn declares that if the party assist him he can destroy the Dharga. Legally it's not a person, you see. It's the only safe way.
- His raccoons attack, immediately devouring Aemilius' trained goat! Oh no!
- The shield-wielding Valkyrie is extremely annoying for Celebus, since he always blocks the first hit. Celebus wails on him regardless, despite consistently getting blocked by his shield technique.

- Swan flash-steps behind Sir Robyn and slices at his back, while Dorian continues to succ the witch to death as she struggles.

--- Dargo Returns
- Sir Robyn is replaced by Dargo, the origin of the very flesh of the Dharga! Grapevines erupt from where Sir Robyn stood and wriggle over the central elevator.
- Dargo declares that his desire is to be unbound! He will destroy the Thorns! Obvious drawbacks here, but then...
- Sir Robyn zaps Aemilius with an intelligence reduction beam from his platform, while on the central elevator Swan and Iskander do a combo attack on Dargo! Even Suspiria gets a look in, shanking the oozing form with a filleting knife.

- Dorian finally succs the witch into submission. She's bloodless, emaciated, and definitely dead.
- Aemilius tries to mind-control Dargo but is rebuffed. 

- Dorian looks up and realises that Styx has been back on the black glass platform for a few rounds now, and Styx is coming for him! Luckily Styx fumbles and stabs himself!
- Swan hits Sir Robyn with a Jim Beam beam... and makes him more powerful! Sir Robyn loves booze! How did they not realise from all the wine theme!? They neutralise Sir Robyn by passing him the wine cornucopia they found earlier, he's distracted!

--- Bosses Defeated

- Dorian and Styx are having a slugging match over on the black glass platform, with Styx rolling honestly terribly. A lucky between-rounds boss swap lets Iskander and Swan soften up Styx before he's returned to Dorian, who deals the finishing blow!

- The real Styx crawls out of the chest of the big ogre version, congratulating Dorian.

- Aemilius, after several attempts, finally mind-controls Dargo. Great success!

- The bosses are forced to the negotiating table by organised resistance.

- We end undecisively, since the pub is kicking us out early again. The broad choices are Destroy the Dharga with Sir Robyn, Unleash the Dharga with Dargo, or Control the Dharga with Styx.
- Aemilius immediately sees another ending... Merge with the Dharga.
- We decide to make a decision next session, after much between-session discussion...

Total: 6000 exp

Enemies Defeated:

- The Valkyries (750 exp)

- Dharga Entity Sir Robyn (1500 exp)
- Dharga Entity Styx (1500 exp)
- Dharga Entity Dargo (1500 exp)
- Sundry Mooks (250 exp)

Total: 5500 exp

OOC:
Chronicler: Charles
Expedition Leader: Kitty
Quartermaster: Ollie
Vanguard: Tom
Triage: Tim

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 7 Barbarian: 71190 (Level up at 128000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 57461 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 57132 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 5 Inheritor: 26509 (Level up at 36000)

- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 5 Halfling: 16104 (Level up at 32000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Domination! +Backstory!

- Tom / Suspiria, Level 3 Magic-User: 4584 (Level up at 9000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

Session 318 - Castle of Giants

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- A terrible thing followed Aemilius Princeps back home one night... specifically because he'd dominated it with his Halfling powers and made it follow him back home. Once per session, cause the most terrible threat on the local encounter table to show up somehow.

Events:

--- The End of a Fantasy
- After years of fantastical war against the invading Turk, Dorian surveys his vast painted kingdom from atop the walls of a Constantinople that never fell. It is the end of the old age, and the start of the new. His unicorn, now grey around the muzzle, nuzzles his cheek. The world has been conquered, but now it is time to return to the real world and leave this place behind for a time.

- A small voice speaks in Latin. It's Aemilius Princeps and he is clearly more real than the rest of this oilpaint unreality. After a long time in a foreign land, the self-proclaimed Emperor of Rome has returned!

- They leave the painting, Dorian's crown melting away as they step down from the wall and onto the flagstones of the dungeon-within-a-dungeon Dorian entered hours ago, or years ago, depending on how you measure time.

- Aemilius' trained goat is here! As is Swan the Swift who still thinks he's a flesh golem, and to the mild disappointment of all the surviving manservant Jonathon Toast.

--- Guards! Guards!

- Just then, a vine-rimmed portal opens up! Out step two robot-shaped guards made from grapes. They demand that they are the Dharga's immune system and that the party must be ejected immediately!
- Aemilius explains that he's a tax collector, Dorian is obviously part of the Dharga so he's not a threat, and Swan explains that he is in fact obviously a flesh golem. The guards leave, saying they need to speak to their manager.
- Aemilius has the cunning plan to take the paintings as VR experiences and/or escape routes, so they are all rolled up and divided between the goat and Jonathon Toast.

--- Sacrifice
- They continue to explore, heading down some stairs into a chapel to Dispater. Those Bosnians last week definitely worshipped Dispater, so that makes sense. Swan digs up a bible from behind a pew.
- He prays to Dispater and hears the whispered words of He of the Subtle Knife. That Swan is a man, not a flesh golem, and that using the altar to sacrifice an animal will allow you to transform into the beast during a full moon. 

- Aemilius shields his goat from the party's avaricious eyes! Nobody wants to turn into Jonathon Toast so he's out too.

- Swan disbelieves the god about the flesh golem thing. He's obviously a flesh golem since he's obviously made of meat.

--- Joan of Bosnia

- They press on with an eye out for animals, coming to a round room with a big stained glass window showing Joan of Arc Bosnia. Aemilius investigates and discovers the glass is soft like skin. She implies that sacrificing someone on the altar will free her... but unfortunately Toast is carrying the paintings so they'll need to find a replacement loud dogsbody if they want to kill him.

- They continue, finding a room with loads of opulent yet giant clothing. They attempt painting-based storage solutions, but anything dropped on the painting simply gets added to the painting itself.

- They decide to come back later, and explore a few other rooms. One has been ransacked by Croatian ultras, and another has a mirror that shows your skeleton instead of your reflection. Swan's insistence on being a flesh golem starts to crack - flesh golems should be way more fucked up inside.

--- Guards! Guards!

- No sooner do they try to take the skeleton mirror outside for later pickup and sale, than more guards show up! Some 1s on the encounter table, finally! These are robotic like the grape guards, but made of wax!
- Tyler Lockheart shows up too! Presumably struggling free from the guards.

- This time the guards have checked with the manager and the party needs to be brutally arrested. Aemilius tries to summon the legal spirit of Sir Robyn but he's been recently involved in a magic-related incident and is no longer alive.

- Battle is joined with the wax officers while Tyler smokes a roll-up unhelpfully nearby.

- Swan wields the goat as a weapon while a guard smashes Aemilius' skeleton porter. Sad! He was the reloader! In revenge Aemilius Dominates one of the guards, sending it against its fellows while Dorian and Swan batter it.

- Soon only two wax guards remain, one of them dominated. Aemilius sends it off back to HQ to write up a report about how everything went fine actually.

- Dorian eats a guard to gain its waxy powers. Swan's iron stomach prevails as he eats another to heal.

--- Joan Returns

- They head back, dragging the skele-mirror and some of the heavy coats with them, only to find Joan scratching at the window, stretching the skein. Tyler tries to calm her down with a spliff, and Swan blasts her with a Jim Beam to get her drunk.
- It's all for naught however, since Aemilius tries to Dominate the Bosnian Saint and fails, enraging the glassy maiden. She shatters the glass and strides forth, free at last!

- The party flee because of course.
- A chase scene follows, with many twists and turns as they run through the hallowed halls. Very Scooby Doo.

- She catches up to the party in the painting room and battle is joined! Luckily Swan has a load of painful blade poison and slices it deep into Joan's leg. She roars in agony then immediately falls unconscious, shattering on the flagstones. Anticimactic!

- Aemilius scoops the shards into the painting of the giant fish, trapping her shattered body inside.

--- Some Giants
- Swan goes for a nap in one of the bedrooms and finds a giant lady, dead, on the bed. She's got a cool ring with a cabochon, and when Swan puts it on as a crown he finds that he's possessed by a presence that makes him feel fanatical and narrow-minded. Perhaps the spirit of Snels?!

- The giant is also wearing a glowing cloth robe, which Aemilius tears off a piece of and attaches to his floating moon rock to create a sort of glowing balloon.

- The next room has some dead inquisitor guys in buckle hats and a bunch of smashed coffins. Aemilius gets a hat for the goat, very cute. The inquisitors were clearly killed by a trapped coffin. One coffin remains untouched...
- Inside there's another dead giant, perfectly preserved. Her hands rest on a globus cruciger, a holy hand grenade looking thing, and when held in both hands negates magic. Swan takes it, since he's the least magic.

Total: 8000 exp

Treasure:

- 8 magic paintings (8000 exp)
- Giant clothes (10000 exp)
- Giant cabochon ring (1000 exp)
- Skeleton Mirror (2000 exp)
- Anti-Magic Globus Cruciger

Total: 21000 exp

Foes Defeated:

- Wax Guards (300 exp)
- Joan of Bosnia (200 exp)
Total: 500 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 7 Barbarian: 69173 (Level up at 128000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +2 Barbarian Rolls! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 5 Inheritor: 24492 (Level up at 36000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Mutation Cap! +1 Meat Point! +Backstory!

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 5 Specialist: 20834 (Level up at 24000)

- Timothy / Aemelius Princeps, Level 4 Halfling: 14087 (Level up at 16000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 to Domination! +Backstory!

Session 317 - Blood and Bosnians

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:

- Dorian is good buddies with Swan the Swift after their adventures together within this flesh-tree. +1 to each other's rolls when next to each other.

Events:

--- The Mirror

- Iskander and Dorian stand before the mirror that recently turned Swan into a flesh golem (in Swan's head at least) and try a bunch of ways to break it. Punching yourself does nothing. Hitting it reflects damage back. Curious "ghouls" and "wererats" look on in bemusement.
- The "ghouls" offer Iskander a bath in the scummy pool in their bodged-together "graveyard" but he declines. Washing off the poop would reveal his glowing skin.
- They're not aggressive, so the pair walk away to the exit, past the figure of Swan who is worshipping at the foot of a big meaty statue of a woman. Convenient timing for a player absence!

--- Meat Zone

- They leave, and continue along the randomly generated dungeon path, emerging into a Dharga-themed meat zone. They pass through a chamber with a bone altar, continue through a room with lots of faceless dead bodies fallen in a sports-like competition.
- There are two exits. One has a chirping sound, and a quick peek through the dripping bone portcullis shows a bunch of dog-sized ticks feasting on more bodies! Not that way then. They go the other way and find some broken-open kennels for the ticks.

- No encounters, perfect! They continue onwards.

--- The Anal Fisher
- They enter a square-ish room with a big blood-filled anus on the floor. Charming. Fishing in the "pool" with a thin bone fishing rod is a man, who declares himself to be the Anal Fisher and he has inconsistent tests in each of the rooms off the four corners of this room!
- They pick the spike room and, discovering that the challenge is to press the button at the other end of a booby-trapped spike room, Iskander just shoots it. Challenge complete!

- The Anal Fisher says that they've earned the right to exit through the anus... but they demur and go through a door into an empty room. Iskander brings the Fisher along, in case he tries something.

--- 2D better than 3D
- He tries something! The room is large and has a bunch of those 2D redcap goblins in it! Iskander pushes the Fisher into the room and he dies of a thousand papercuts.

- Combat is joined, and after a few embarrassing rounds where everybody misses everybody else, the goblins are defeated! The bait in the middle of the room was three velvet bags, and they contain 770 obols in small red gems. Nice.

--- Ermagot
- The next room has bodies hanging from hooks on the ceiling. Iskander shoots one and the hook retracts up to the ceiling, which beats like a heart. In the middle of the room there is some delicious rye sourdough! They both have some, tasty.
- From all four doors, a gang of random people who are all hallucinating wildly enter! They congratulate the pair on becoming bread eaters, and the bread contains rye ergot! Iskander licks some of the dried turd covering his body and vomits up the bread, saving himself from ergotism. Dorian has eaten worse honestly.
- It's a fight! Iskander lobs a magnet bomb, forcibly removing the haemoglobin from the bodies of a whole group of them. Apparently I agreed to this??
- Dorian blowguns another foe for a single point of damage, which is just as useful.
- Luckily these guys are high as fuck the whole time, so keep on missing. Dorian's wrist spurs get an absolute workout, stabbing them through eye sockets and slashing achilles tendons while Iskander basically spins in a big circle murdering people.
- The final two fall to their knees and surrender! Their names are Jonathan Toast and Samantha Bread, and become questionably loyal porters. Samantha seems rather taken with Iskander... or she's just high as fuck.

- They loot the corpses of their new porters' former compatriots and find some pain blade poison and a Confusion Bomb!

--- Bosnians
- Since they've got guides now, they discover that they could skip all the way to the final zone! Since it's just the two of them, they decide to take a detour into a Gold Zone which has an actual specific map.
- A long corridor ends in a huge brass-bound gate with a broken lock, guarded by two very slavic men in knightly armour. Their faith is Enlightened, and thus they consider Iskander's Intergalacticism faith to be heretical.
- Iskander shanks one with a fish.
- It is discovered that Iskander actually speaks Croatian due to his Croatian grandmother, so he can understand these Bosnians quite well. Some time is spent looking up Croatian swearwords. Also it turns out that in this fictional game universe Bosnians have a mutual hatred with the Croats.. apparently irl they both hate the Serbs but that's by the by.

- Iskander's Croatian-swearword-powered swing demolishes the holy armour of one of these guys, even while they have the Backstab-boosting faith bonus of Dispater in zenith. Dorian follows up with his wrist-spurs, fumbles, cracks a spur, and hits the other!
- Killing one, he turns to the other who is about to cry out for help! Dorian is too swift though, clapping his hand over the man's mouth while Iskander sinks his blood-drinking fish into his belly.

- Dorian takes the armour from one of the guys while Iskander loots the flag of Bosnia & Herzegovina from the other.
- They pass through the gate and a strange energy washes over their psyches...

--- Dream Paintings
- They pass through the grand entrance hall, Dorian proclaiming that it will be a good palace for him. He boots open some double doors and enters a gallery, Iskander impishly following behind.

- The paintings shimmer holographically, and Dorian tries one that has a unicorn sleeping with ladies around it.

- Dorian has replaced one of the ladies! He is now in the dream-world, and jumps onto the back of the unicorn. He knows that the Turk yearns in his heart for Constantinople, and rides off into the distance on unicorn-back to assist in its defence!

- Iskander, meanwhile, enters a painting that depicts Bosnian Achilles locked in a duel with Croat Hector, Constantinople burning under the barrage of Ottoman bombards! He helps Hector win the duel, and turns to see the Samantha Bread, she of the face that launched a thousand ships, looking at him in open awe.

- Distantly, the sparkling flank of Dorian's unicorn leaps clean over the parapets of Constantinople and into Mehmed II's honour guard... the great city shall not fall yet!
- We leave the characters conveniently in the dream world, giving whoever shows up next week ample time to arrive...

Total: 8000 exp

Treasure Collected:

- 770 obols in red velvet bags (770 exp)
- A Confusion Bomb
- Blade Poison - Pain
- Bosnian Flag

- Heavy Armour

Total: 770 exp

Foes Defeated:

- The Anal Fisher (5 exp)
- A bunch of 2D redcaps (300 exp)
- A gang of ergotic crazies (250 exp)
- Two holy knights (200 exp)

- Imaginary Bosnian Achilles
- Potentially countless imaginary Turks

Total: 755 exp

Totals:

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 55444 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Dorian "Ditto" DeMone, Level 4 Inheritor: 17017 (Level up at 18000)

Session 316 - Mirror Mirror

 Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- Damian ran away to join the circus... by which we mean the party. +1 to Reaction Rolls with outsiders, troupes, and other itinerants. 

Events:

--- Return of the Valkyries!

- The team enter a new zone. Damien is flanked by the rival strongmen Iskander and Swan the Swift. It's a Styx zone, so the area is built of shiny black glass and pixels. Near the end of the room is a chest with a thumbprint scanner. Standing at the end of the room are three anime characters. It's the Valkyries!
- This time the last survivor of the previous encounter is back! Kodai-chan, an ancient being with the body of a young girl, wielding a mighty bow and extendo-spear. With her are two new Valkyries. A man with a razor-edged shield and red hair, brash and bold, and a witch with a cauldron whose eyes are covered by her huge witch hat.
- Swan suggests a friendship, and after a bit of back-and-forth the Valkyries decide that this is probably a mini-boss chamber where they taunt the party and reappear later. The shieldman, Aka-san, stays behind to be the miniboss. The room is long and thin so obviously it's built for his strengths! The other two jump into the cauldron and away!

- Iskander strikes true, but discovers Aka-san's mastery of the Perfect Block! His attack pings away, while Swan prepares a counterattack. Damien glorps into a puddle and shloops around the fighters, attacking Aka-san from behind!
- Swan splits the shield in two with a sword-blow, and a cutscene occurs where Aka-san is allowed to leave for some reason with his wounded pride. The warrior dives into the cauldron, which crumbles to reveal a yellow rupee. 500 obols!

- The chest opens at a kick, revealing 900 more in rupees. Success!

--- Damnation Snels?!
- They continue through a couple of low-poly caves until they come to a last room. The exit to the next zone is probably beyond the archway in front of them... but a mysterious iPad-glass door to the right intrigues Swan when he hears a booming "I'm Damnation Snels! Peepeepoopoo!" coming from beyond it.
- Swan can't resist! He kicks the door down and enters a stagnant sewer zone. Filthy water runs down the middle of this long chamber. Standing in the crusty water is a big troll-like version of Damnation Snels, the puritan. His buckled hat is made of pure silver, and he roars "rarrrghhh I'm wrong about everything! Just obey me!" as he charges into battle!
- Swan and Iskander join the battle as one, striking at the big Snels as he attacks back with metaphorical claws and rhetorical teeth!

- After much glorious battle, and many cathartic references to former events, the beast is felled when Dorian cuts into his throat with wrist-spurs and Swan delivers the final blow. Snels is defeated. His silver hat, 300 obols, is taken.

--- Drunken Blob
- They leave the sewer and back out through the archway, entering a new zone. It's a Sir Robyn zone, and so opulently furnished in aging velvets and overstuffed plush cushions.
- In the middle of the room is a big snoring blob the colour of wine. In an alcove is a painted egg. Iskander goes for the egg and is hit by the blobby raccoon-hand of the blob as it rolls over in its slumber! The touch of the blob makes Iskander's armour slightly drunk, notching it.
- Swan tries for the egg and dodges the paw! He grabs it, finding it to be a painted tin egg worth 10 obols. Worth it...?

- He breaks the egg and inside is a little kinder surprise thing which contains a tiny phrasebook for raccoon and two other animal languages! Neat!

--- Sir Robyn!!
- There are drunken shouts from the next room, and they head through a bead curtain and find a drunk lawyer wizard lounging on a chaise-longue. It's Sir Robyn of course! He has a good supply of box wine and high-alcohol slavic beers.
- Snuggles and Scamps, his familiars, arrive with oven pizza. The party goes to leave, and Robyn asks them to bring him the scalps of any other Sir Robyns they see. He's multiversal, but dead in all of them eventually. Hopefully if he's the last Sir Robyn he will obtain Jet Li-like powers.

--- I'm Seein Double Here
- They head into the next area which is a nice vineyard that goes for miles, but with an obvious reduction in quality once it gets past the waist-high fence bounding the garden. Here is - and I rolled this random encounter completely legit - Sir Robyn on a chaise-longue!
- This is very convenient for scalp-related reasons, so they ask if they can trade their raccoon dictionary for his scalp. He's confused, but gets one of his raccoons over to see if it's got any jokes in it. The other raccoon gives him a can to manfully smash against his forehead... and it turns into a scalpel mid-flight, scalping this Sir Robyn!
- He survives for unkillable wizard reasons, but is in terrible pain! The party grabs the scalp and runs back to the previous room. Thanks for the assist, Scamps! Scamps, naturally, keeps the phrasebook and scampers away.

--- Wizard Beam
- The previous Sir Robyn is happy to see the scalp, and amazed that there was another one of him next door! He exchanges the scalp for a bottle of Jim Beam and heads out for a wizard duel against his double. The party go back to the blob room, avoiding wizard battles is good for the health.

- Swan sprays the blob with Jim Beam to distract it and the party slip out a side door. Successful escape!

--- Flesh Idol
- The next location is a special Gold room with its own map and everything.
- In the middle of a large chamber is a huge 10 foot flesh sculpture made of rotting animals and a woman acting as the head. It's yucky, but inanimate. Ominous.
- They check out some alcoves but only find offcuts from the flesh sculpture construction, crawling with red grubs. Best left alone.

--- Ratmen?
- Through the double doors at the end of the hall they hear muttered sounds, high pitched. Dorian knocks and a man wearing a giant rat skull on his face and a ratskin cloak answers! He thinks he's a ratman, but invites the party inside.

- He can't believe that the party got past the flesh golem, and definitely thinks he's a wererat. Swan rips off his rat mask and the dude thinks his whole face has been ripped off! He screams loudly!
- Swan dons his own wolfskin cloak, while Iskander rips off the rat cloak and makes the guy scream louder because he's clearly been skinned!
- After a scuffle in which the party is attacked by rusty blades and Swan throws some spare rat-cloaks over some of the "wererats", turning them in their minds into double-rats to visible confusion.

- After several of them are murdered the rest cower before the might of the Werewolf (Swan) and his horrible acolytes. They offer him stinking cottage cheese served from rat stomachs, apparently made from "ghoul milk" as an offering. It's genuinely horrible, and the "cracked black pepper" is rat droppings.
- Iskander finds a shard of crystal dragon core in the wererat's pile of filthy bedding. He's told by the cowering guys that it can be used to bend glyphs, like drakencultists could back before the end of the world.
- Swan's iron stomach is quite impressive as he chows down on the cheese. According to him you get used to it. The tunnels dug into the sides of the room are home to giant rats and ghouls, they've been digging them in an attempt to get around the very real flesh golem out there.
- There's another door out of here, leading into the Chequered Hall which has loads of tripwires that set things clattering to attract attention, used to catch giant rats by the "wererats" and also the ghouls. Go through there and you'll find a big chamber with a big magic mirror that shows the truth or possibly lies.

--- Mirror Mirror
- They head through the chequered hall, avoiding the traps they were warned about. It's fairly easy when you know they're there.
- They head up into the chamber they were told about... and the mirror shimmers with magic! Iskander and Dorian look away in time, but Swan sees the truth of the world. He's a huge flesh golem! And so are his compatriots!
- Iskander tries to destroy the mirror, but his mirror-self stabs him back! This mirror has some sort of magic!
- "Wererats" and "ghouls" arrive because they heard the commotion. The ghouls are simply women with the nails painted yellow, bringing up some disturbing implications on the origin of the "ghoul milk".
- Swan in his pain and confusion tries to punch a wererat, but it's immune to non-magical damage! The others see him pull his punch, somehow the magic-addled "flesh golem" knows he can't hurt wererats?

- The others back away, backs to the mirror, and we end the session on a classic cliffhanger, very confused...

Total: 10000 exp

Loot:
- 1400 obols in Zelda rupees (1400 exp)
- Silver puritan hat (300 exp)

- Painted egg (broken)

Total: 1700 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- Aka-san the Valkyrie (250 exp)
- "Damnation Snels" (250 exp)
- Several false were-rats (40 exp)

Total: 540 exp

OOC:
tbc

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 61698 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 6 Fighter: 49324 (Level up at 64000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 4 Inheritor: 10797 (Level up at 18000)

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Mutation Cap! +1 Meat Point! +1 Backstory!

Session 315 - Behold a Dog!

Date: 13 August, 21 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous - Dragon Face
Zenith: Dispater

New Backstory:
- Damien DeMone's sire is the Dharga itself. As we all know, the Dharga was formed when Dargo sacrificed his life to contain Styx - a selfless act if ever there was one. +1 to selfless acts

Events:

--- Monster Mash

- We open on the party entering a new area - a well-furnished but somewhat shabby zone evoking Sir Robyn, rich in plush velvet and wine stains.
- There's the sound of a party from behind a door, so of course they go to investigate! Inside are four satyrs dancing around a gently rotting banquet table, drinking cheap wine from a gold cup and generally having a good time!
- Given that this is a party made up of Didogenes the dog, Damien Demone the shape-shifting demon, Laddie the giant 8-foot-tall hooligan who tagged along from last session and Celebus the Necromancer covered in dried blood, dried wine, and mostly-dried faeces, the satyrs immediately assume that the party are fellow monsters and invite them to their beggar's banquet!

- It's time for a pub crawl around the dungeon!
- The next room is a large amphitheatre with ominous boss music. The satyrs tell the party not to worry, only PCs set off the boss. Onwards!
- The final room of the zone is... an off-license! Celebus buys armfuls of suspiciously high ABV beer with names in cyrillic. Didogenes takes the satyr's gold goblet with him into the bathroom and legs it! The rest of the party follow on after while the satyrs discuss splitting a bottle of vodka.

--- Mozzies
- The next area is a meaty Dharga zone! A huge brain pulses overhead on the ceiling of this large chamber, and big mosquito-looking monsters buzz around it.
- The mosquitoes attack, and it is revealed that these are sort of big insect bio-planes piloted by small insect pilots. They peel off into attack groups and whirr at the party!
- Didogenes is first up, power fists flaring with explosive power, and jumps right into the middle of the flock! His explosive pulse damages the drones, but he is now unfortunately right in the middle of the flock. They quickly suck out a bunch of his blood, taking him straight to death's door and causing his power-fists to slip off and clatter to the ground!

- Celebus sets his rope on fire and starts swinging it around his head to make a sort of anti-mosquito field and prevent them from attacking. It works!
- Dorian gambits into the swarm, grabs the fists, and throws them back to Didogenes! Unfortunately he fumbles throw and the fists hit the ground, exploding once again on Didogenes and the swarm!

- Laddie the giant lad sees all this and gets angry! With a loud OI OI OI he charges into the swarm! He wrestles a mosquito, while nearby Didogenes' blood gets drained from his arms.

- Laddie squashes a mosquito, but another two latch onto his back and suck him to death! Noooo!
- Damien grabs onto one of the buzzing bug-planes and flies it towards Didogenes, throwing all the insects off him!
- It's too late for the poor pup though, and with a last "very dead, much F, wow" he bleeds the last drops of his blood out onto the floor.

- Celebus runs in, twirling his fiery rope, and sees a playing card with a lion on it flapping around on the ground. What does it mean?? He grabs it and the lion ROARS! Filling him with LION STRENGTH! Celebus is now swole as fuck with 18 Strength! The fire shield becomes a fire tornado in his newly bulked up arms, and the remaining mosquitoplanes flee!

- Damien holds the dead doge and cries, wailing "he was a good boy". Then he turns into writhing demon clay and absorbs a mosquito, gaining the ability to suck blood!

--- Flat Gnomes
- They move on, sad at the loss of their doggy friend. Thankfully a new friend shows up almost immediately! She is Suspiria, a Magic User, and has designs on being some sort of illusionist. Her familiar is an entity made of smoke.

- The next room has pulsing red walls and a big mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell, in the middle. The powerhouse-like mitochondria has a fanged mouth on it which tries to tempt Celebus by saying that it powers the cell. It doesn't work, so Celebus chucks a mosquito corpse at it to muffle the seductive voice of the cell's powerhouse.
- Suspiria goes into the next room first, pretty gung-ho for a first level wizard, and sees rubies glimmering in the middle of a large fleshy space. She also feels a hand on her ankle! She looks down, and a 2D gnome is reaching at her with a 3D hand!
- Celebus, very strong, lassos her and pulls her back, pulling the rest of the gnome with her! Damien stabs it mid-air, but more of its horrible little 2D friends scamper flatly across the fleshy floor.

- Damien stabs through the skin and into one of the 2D fellows, killing it. Nice!
- Celebus and Damien get papercuts from the long paper-thin halberds the little gnomes wield.
- These guys don't just hurt, they're horrible little guys. Suspiria tries casting Magic Missile and chaos bursts! Shit! But wait, what's this? The spell power gets MAXIMISED?? The enhanced spell blows a door off! She runs for it, and the little flat gnome guys run after her!
- After an exciting chase sequence where she doubles back twice and finally outruns the gnomes, the party meet back up in the gnome room. They eat lots of food to heal, safe for now, and Celebus raises a skeleton.

--- Soul Shackles
- The final room of the zone is a floor of rippling abs. The main thing of note is some magical shackles which the party immediately claim. They shackle the mind as well as the wrists, turning the victim into a mind-slave for a time. Kind of fucked up honestly.
- They leave through a meaty door and enter... a Styx cyber zone!

Total: 5000 exp

Treasure:

- A gold goblet
- Some glittering rubies
- Soul Shackles enslave the mind of the victim

Total:

OOC:
- Death's Witness (Celebus, Damien)

- Remembrancer (Charles)
- Expedition Leader (Kitty)

Exp Totals:

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 6 Necromancer: 55115 (Level up at 72000)

- Kitty / Damien "Ditto" DeMone, Level 3 Inheritor: 6717 (Level up at 9000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Meat Point! +1 Mutation Cap! +Backstory!

- Tom / Suspiria, Level 2 Magic-User: 2567 (Level up at 4500)

Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +free spell +Backstory!