Session 304 - A Piss-Up in a Caecum

Date: July 16, 14 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous

Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
- Amanta let a hive of underground insects burn to make food for her fellow mantises. +2 Fire Damage
- Tez once pissed off his entire hometown and had to flee. Someone you don't know here is an estranged friend, "Wait, JOHN?!". Use any time, one use, up to you whether you're been forgiven by now.

Events:

--- Teeth and More Teeth
- There is still a fair amount of pig digestive system to explore, surely with lots more loot, so the party stash their current haul in the digging worm down in the lower lung.
- The now-dead managers' office is tantalisingly close, so they creep across the accounting hall to check it out. Unfortunately, once more, there are guards!
- These guys are armoured in horrible teeth can stick to walls with the big suckers on their hands, and they've got one of those anglerfish dogs with them which also has teeth. It's a lot of teeth.
- Thankfully they don't put up too much of a fight. Tez claims the dog, crushing its head with her warhammer after Iskander chops off its wiggly glowing anglerfish antenna. Swan rips a guard off the wall and throws him at another guard. Amanta stabs into the exposed dermis of a tooth-guard after Iskander chips its teeth off with the dog's severed head. It's pretty metal.
- Celebus arrives just in time to claim the Last Breath of the last guard. Necromancy is a go!
- After the battle they go into the office at last. Inside it's quiet and there's not much particularly crazy for a shit manager to have. Some vodka in a lower drawer, some fairly distasteful pornography, some HR folders that he "lost". A newspaper clipping exposé reveals that the Meat Factory has the same layout as a chocolate factory on the moon, due to budget cuts.

--- Sausage Holes
- They proceed to the bowel. There is a camera-eye on the way, but Iskander cut those suckers off the guards' hands and now uses one to cover the camera entirely. Blinded!
- They slide through the door made of meat and bone and enter a large chamber burrowed out of the small intestine with meat shelves containing a multitude of pigeonholes, all filled with sausages. There are even notes to say who owns what sausage.
- A man appears. A creepy back-office type man. He offers a tour!
- The team gratefully take him up on his offer, up until he springs a trap! "Get 'em boys!" he yells, and meat-guards with some sort of black tar dripping from their grotesquely long nails leap out in ambush!

--- Poison Pins
- Celebus incants a dark spell... and hundreds of sausages shlorp out of their holes and form a big sausage golem!
- Swan grabs the hands of two guards and stabs each of them with the other. Black veins start pulsing from the wounds. Definitely poison!

- The guard follows up and manages to scratch Swan, inflicting him with the same poison. Nearby, Tez misses a hammer-blow and gets scratched for his trouble. They double over in pain as the poison pumps through their bodies.

- It looks dire... until a tall man who has like 8 extra brains extruding from his body, and even two on the backs of his hands, looms from behind a shelf and shouts loudly that the fighting must stop! He declares that the party must die of poison or get out, and offers an antidote to enable the second option.
- Also he says his name is Gregory Galaxy-Brain.
- Celebus manages to half-convince him that they are in fact a maintenance crew, and so Gregory gives them the antidote and tells them to get moving.
- He also informs them of a terrible fact - the whole bank is about to start filling up with "piss-milk" due to the security breach.

--- Magical Realm
- There is a moment of deliberation as the "maintenance crew" debates which way to go. Back to the certainty of escaping with their already established loot? Or a quick run deeper into the pig's guts?
- Of course, it's the uncertain doom option.
- They scurry on, a very wet gong banging the alarm from somewhere, and find a junction near the connection between small and large intestines. One way, the caecum. The other, the bladder.
- Of course, it's the piss option.
- They bust into the bladder and see a very obvious wizard in a yellow hat with yellow robes and a red nose pissing into the pool of the bladder. In his hand he holds a strange sausage-like object.
- The team blast into action and try to kill the Whizzard before he can engage the nasty liquid! 
- Of course, the object in his hand was a deadman's switch. Huge nipples emerge from the ceiling and begin squirting white milk with streaks of red into the bladder pool. The  team runs!
- Of course this happens when we've got a fairly new player...

--- Caecum Ye Shall Find

- Celebus casts a spell to make the intestinal walls contract, holding back the tide, as Iskander carries him away! The cackles of the piss-wizard fade into gurgles behind!
- They see the caecum trap-orifice on the ceiling of the intestine ahead and scramble up it, pursued by a tidal wave! They get in just in time!
- The trapdoor dilates shut, holding back the awful substance below. They catch their breath and look around.
- 20 lockboxes! With 20 keys dangling by ligaments next to them! That's four chests each, and the pissmilk is almost forgotten as they work the locks and discover such wonders! Magic items, letters of audience with the Meat Lord, sausages, hams, treasure of all shapes and sizes!
- There is, though, the question of how to escape through the pissmilk.

--- Rearguard Action
- Given the recent acquisition of a few necklaces that, when swallowed, shlorp the swallower into the necklace, they decide on quite a clever option.
- Tez, Amanta and Iskander swallow the necklaces and are swiftly sucked inside-out inside them.
- Celebus and Swan, using the power of Celebus' Eject Skeleton spell, eject their skeletons from their bodies.
- They pile the loot into their recently vacated skinbag bodies, shoving aside various organs, and drop down the trapdoor wearing the necklaces around their necks.
- They march along the floor of the large intestine through the pissmilk, not needing to breathe, and eventually reach the anus. It dilates open at Celebus' touch... and the party in various magically induced states of not-needing-to-breathe falls out onto the meaty streets in a deluge of nasty liquid.
- Still smelling of rotten milk and old urine, they make their way to the black market and fence their goods. They're rich!
Total: 7000 exp

Rumours:

- There's a massive dungeon inside the mouth of Dr Gulp Esq. It's 50 sausages to enter a team, and few survive.
- If you're stupid enough to want to meet the leader of the rebel Necromancers, hang around the Old Dock until someone comes sniffing around after you.
- They say the Meatworks have got the same layout of a chocolate factory from the moon, due to budget cuts.
- My friend just left north saying that a vast raccoon god will grant you entrance to the Dharga.
- Have you ever seen a giant lady mantis eat a slut bun? She was after my fucking head!
- You heard of these obols they use as money in a place far away? Demon nonsense I say, but Julgoor over in the Old Market will turn your sausages into tattoos for you if you want to waste them.

Treasure:

- 400 sausages (400 exp)

- 5 Iberico Ham legs (5000sp)

- 3 Dragon Core Shards (3000 exp)

- Three letters inviting the bearer to an audience with the Meat Lord

- A fancy meat slicer (400 exp)

- Hormone Potion grants 18 Str and Con for an hour

- Three Metameat Necklaces which, when swallowed, shlorp the swallower into the necklace from which they can reform at will.

Total: 8800 exp

Defeated Foes:
- Jumping guards (100 exp)
- An anglerfish-dog (75 exp)
- The Whizzard (1 exp)
Total: 176 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 45008 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 34633 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 31791 (Level up at 56000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 27704 (Level up at 32000)

- Ailsa / Tez, Level 3 Barbarian: 5196 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d8 HP! +Saves! +Backstory! +Barbarian Table!

Session 303 - Let's Get to Work Drinks

Date: July 16, 14 p.p.

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
- Tyler Lockheart lost an argument with Swan the Swift over a choice he'd made. When you fail a Save, they automatically pass the same Save.
- Tyler Lockheart's father was an angry drunk, and he got good at dodging bottles. +1 Dexterity

Events:

--- Split to the Party
- Team Work Drinks, being Celebus and Swan the Swift, have been dragged to after work drinks by the staff of the bank. Swan is still massively fucked off about his treatment by HR, and stands seething in the corner.
- To prevent anyone talking to him, Celebus tells the assembled circle of drinkers that Swanny has the most tiresome job possible - Operational Risk. Swanny is ignored for the rest of the night.
- Celebus gets to work making idle chatter about the layout of the bank, since he's a new intern and all. Through the power of weaponised dramatic irony, this is all useful information for the second team...

--- Night Guards
- Inside the bank the Specialists of Team Heist, being Amanta and Tyler, have managed to remain inconspicuous as the staff all filed out. Now there's just the eyeball cameras and the night guards to deal with.
- Also, for those listening at home, the bank is an enormous pig and they're running around in its innards.
- At the work party Celebus is being told about the high-security safes are protected under acid, and the controls are in the guard room in the brain, and how the security protocols are a complete nightmare whenever someone actually wants to get their stuff out. Celebus, on his third pint, nods sagely.
- Amanta scurries across the floor of the bank's main hall, towards the brain. She slips past a guard without a sound, jimmies the lock on the door, and slides inside before the eye-camera comes back online. She sees a brief glimpse of a cat-like reflective coating on the thing as it turns back on - clearly night vision.
- She looks into the brain room itself, her big mantis bug-eyes peeking around the side of the door. There are guards playing cards... and at least one of those weird dogs with anglerfish heads sniffing around.

--- HR Approaches
- Back in the pub, Swan sees the HR lady that fired him and was so very fucking rude doing it.
- He sees her heading to the toilet, and follows with his massive axe.

- Celebus sees him leave and takes attention with a shit anecdote. It's easy to pull attention away from the Operational Risk guy apparently.

--- You've Got Buns Hun
- Amanta, in a cunning ruse, decides to pretend she's Olga the Cleaning Lady and offer the remaining guards in the guard room her remaining Slut Buns. These were obtained directly from a Lust Demon and very potent.
- Unfortunately for the ruse, she is a giant fucking mantis woman. The guards scream, the fish-dog screams, everyone screams. She tries to lob her buns into everyone's mouths and fails, accidentally falling onto the tray and devouring them all... except for one that is snarfed up by the fish-dog.
- It is suddenly realised that there is one big thing that everyone knows about mantis mating... they devour the male. This horny mantis is hungry for heads! In a state of lust-rage Amanta runs at the guards and they flee!

- Tyler picks this exact moment to sneak into the guard room and towards the bank of clearly labelled switches that lower the acid in the safe room. He chooses number one... and finds that only one can be used at a time. He sneaks back out before the enraged Amanta sees him, pursued by an amorous fish-hound.

--- Laughing Powder
- At the pub, Celebus sees the tentacle-handed supervisor who was dealing with the sausage sorting office. His name is Greg Hands, apparently.
- Celebus offers him a bump of coke, which Greg gratefully and surreptitiously accepts.
- Joke's on him! It's laughing powder! Greg bursts out laughing... and will continue for a good week or so.
- While he's distracted, Celebus nicks his keys. Now they can get back into the pub!

--- The Eyes Have It
- Tyler sneaks back, having managed to lose the fish-dog on the way. He drops into the drained acid pit and, against the odds, manages to ace the lock on the safe! Inside he finds a delicious, and very valuable, leg of cured iberico ham. Clean meat! They're rich!
- Back in the brain, Amanta has calmed down. She operates the next switch, draining the next acid pit down in the gallbladder.
- To my bafflement, Tyler once again easily opens the safe! Inside are various interesting bits and pieces which he scoops out before jumping out of the acid pit again.
- Suddenly another door bursts open! It's the guards who fled earlier, and they've brought another guard with loads of eyes! They charge at Amanta, who throws a Tooth Grenade she's been saving since the massive hands! It misses the eye guard but explodes on the other two, who are rapidly covered in rapidly-growing lines of teeth that tear at their flesh! They stumble on after her, the Eye Guard ducking back into the door he came from.
- Amanta runs back out of the guard room towards the gallbladder, and more importantly towards the lower lung where their drill-worm still waits for them to exit the place!

--- Heeeere's Swanny
- In the toilets at the pub, Swanny axes through the door of the stall and peers through at the mean HR lady with a wild look in his eyes.
- There is a loud scream and Swan emerges from the loos covered in blood.
- Luckily this is the Meatlands and that's not so strange.
- Before anyone can investigate, Celebus grabs Swan by the arm and meaningfully directs him towards the exit. To the bank!

--- Guards! Guards!
- Amanta is fleeing the guards across the main floor of the bank, hurdling queue barriers. 
- The main doors open... it's Celebus and Swan!
- The guards, surprised, are quickly cut down.
- But then, more guards! The enraged manager Kevin from before is here, along with another guard! There is a sound of loud gongs echoing through the place. The alarm has finally been raised!
- Amanta nips back to the brain room to engage the third and final lever. Elsewhere, Tyler tinkers open YET ANOTHER safe despite his 2/6 Tinker and finds inside half a dragon core!

- Swan and Celebus' skeleton swiftly despatch the hated Kevin with a wild axe-swing and skele-claw combo, ripping the guy's massive veins from his body.
- The Eye-man from before, having gathered more guards, bursts in with another anglerfish-dog! The dog goes straight for the skeleton because it's made of bones, destroying it easily. The Eye Guard shoots something nasty-looking from a blowgun, barely missing Igor.
- It's a quick and nasty fight. Igor's electro-punches and Swan's mighty axe doing most of the work, while true to form Celebus takes a few hits. Soon the guards have been eliminated, their blood slicking the pigmeat floor.

--- Pig Pen Shenanigans
- Meanwhile Tyler is still creeping around the place. The upper lung contains live pigs in pens, so he sneaks up the hatch and peeks in.
- There's definitely a few anglerfish-dogs up there, along with some guards who probably also have to muck out the pens.
- Tyler uses his fishing rod to unlatch one of the pig pens, and a fat sow comes grunting out. A guard investigates... but we don't have time for more so we end on that cliffhanger.

Total: 10000 exp

Treasure:
- 10000sp of fine iberico ham (10000 exp)

- The People's Polearm - 1d10 damage, +2 to hit per ally in weapon range
- Slab of dried beef (2000 exp)
- 3 Gifflewim Coins
- Ram's Horn that sounds like an air horn
- Half a Gravity Dragon core (5000 exp)
Total: 17000 exp

Foes Defeated:
- The mean HR lady (5 exp)
- Quite a lot of guards (500 exp)
- Several special ability guards (225 exp)
- A few anglerfish-dogs (300 exp)
Total: 1030 exp

Roles:
- Chronicler & Chef - Charles
- Expedition Leader - Kitty
- Vanguard - George

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 41712 (Level up at 64000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 31337 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 6 Mantis Specialist: 28495 (Level up at 56000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 4 Specialist: 11189 (Level up at 12000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 302 - Piggy Bank Heist!

Date: July 15, 14 p.p.

Moon: Full Dragon Face

Zenith: The Lady

New Backstory:
Swan the Swift burned an entire town down during a raid... which he insists was an act of mercy. +1 to actions that are noble or righteous.

Events:

--- Casing the Piggy Bank
- Inside a giant nostril deep in the Meatlands, the party plans their next move. The day is here. It's time to rob the bank! Not only will this hopefully make them rich, but it'll also destabilise the Meat Lord's meat economy.
- First things first, to case the place. Wearing completely unsuspicious disguises, they walk straight in the front door (well, mouth) of the bank. It is, naturally, an enormous pig.
- They note eyeballs growing on the ceiling and peering at people in the queue for the bank. Looks like that's a security feature! The queue inside is even longer and they clearly don't have enough clerks.
- When they finally reach the front, the bored clerk wearing very a sexy bank teller costume for some reason explains the banks' remarkably shit interest rates and other such minutiae. Iskander hides the worm-attracting relic bone inside a single sausage and deposits it with the bank. This will help them break in when they start the heist!

--- Infiltrator Worm
- They return to their nostril HQ and prepare. Celebus wraps and sews together the roll of wormskin they have to create a smaller worm and animates it. Digging equipment is a go!
- A quick detour to the shops to get heist equipment on the way, and the worm team is set.

- Eegor heads to the bank to create a sexy distraction, and the heist is a go!
- They drill through the ground, the worm innately able to follow the worm-attraction necklace even in undeath. It chews through the flesh and meat and comes out in what looks to be one of the pig's massive lungs!

--- Bloody Guards

Tyler Lockheart sneaks up the stairs carved out of the lung and checks out what's above. It's a heart! And inside, not noticing him, are four meaty guards.
- Celebus helps shave Swan's leg so that he can seduce the guards, and helps him into a sexy bank teller costume. He goes up the stairs, sticks out his shaven leg, and coos "seductively". The guard... falls for it! He follows "her" down the stairs... and she immediately betrays him! A swift trip and he falls into the grinding maw of the worm which is still grinding away like a sarlacc!
- The guy explodes into blood, and the other guards come to see what just caused a Wilhelm Scream!
- They drip blood from their pores, and it quickly becomes obvious that the guards can turn themselves completely into moving pools of blood!
- It doesn't help them for long. Despite Iskander's crossbow snapping clean in half the guards are, one by one, kicked into the sarlacc pit. Turning into blood can't save them from the worm!

--- HRmaggeddon
- Threat eliminated, Tyler sneaks up the stairs further and finds the other lung contains a bunch of pig pens and, yes, living pigs! He also sees at least one guard with an anglerfish-headed guard dog.

- Leaving that alone for now, the team looks out into the room beyond the heart. It's sort of a big stomach, with a fair number of clerks diligently working at desks tracking meat stocks. Clerks pushing trolleys piled high with strings of sausages push them back and forth across the floor, taking the meat money to and from the tellers out front of house.
- Swan, still dressed in sexy bank teller gear, tries to grab one of the meat-laden trolleys. The guy pushing it is aghast and complains to the manager - an incredibly angry man with pulsing veins in his forehead!
- After some wrestling, during which the manager gets more and more hulked out as he complains about overwork, Swan loses the wrestle and is kicked out onto the main floor! 
- Celebus sneakily shoots the manager with a stun blowdart, and the guy keels over. It's suddenly chaos as the clerks run about wondering what to do!
- Swan claims the manager sexually harassed him and HR is summoned forth! A very loud and very Australian HR lackey bustles past the rest of the party, who are watching on with amazement, and deals with the issue by having the guards take Swan to a debriefing chamber.
- Inside the debriefing zone... Eegor who was previously arrested for his sexy distraction out the front of the bank is there. Perfect.
- After various HR shenanigans Eegor and Swan are released from the chamber with their severance pay... a meagre two sausages each. What zero unionisation does to a mf.

--- Packing Meat
- Meanwhile the others sneak around, since basically everyone in the vicinity is still tied up with these Human Resources distractions.
- They see where the sausage trolleys are being taken - a big sorting pancreas. The middle-manager within has octopus tentacles and is processing sausage incomings and outgoings, taking in deposits and using them to give to people withdrawing their meat cash. He's busy and flustered and when the party seems to be getting in the way frustratedly moves them on!
- The door opposite gives way to a room with pools of acid and locked safes under it! Surely high value meats are contained within. There is no obvious way of draining the acid to get to the safes, so for now the greedy team can merely look and imagine what's within.
- Going out of the room, they hear a loud announcement that due to an HR dispute the bank is closing early! Convenient! Several of the clerks announce that they're going to the pub, and invite the party along with them! Must be new guys, see.
- Celebus and Iskander go to the pub with the clerks, while Amanta and Tyler hide until the bank is closed and sneak back to the sausage trolley sorting room to steal those sweet sausages. There are about 4000 all told, and they squeakily push the trolley back to the worm in the lung so they can store them for later exfiltration...

Treasure:
- 4000 sausages (4000 exp)
- Swan the Swift's dignity (priceless)

Enemies Defeated:
- 4 blood-transforming guards, worm food (300 exp)
- An extremely angry boss, stun-darted (100 exp)
- The HR system, survived (2 exp)

OOC:
Charles - Chronicler
George - Expedition Leader
Ollie - Quartermaster and Triage
Kitty - Vanguard
100 exp ea.

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 34604 (Level up at 64000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 24508 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 24129 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 21387 (Level up at 28000)

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 3 Specialist: 4181 (Level up at 6000)

Session 301 - We're Gonna Need a Bigger Worm

Date: July 12, 14 p.p.

Moon: First Quarter
Zenith: Alaunus

New Backstory:
- Celebus let a mob chase the Goblins into the internment zone after their government collapsed in New Moondin, for justice. +2 to hit creatures you saw harm innocents this session.
-Amanta's mantis partner left her for another mantis... and her vengeance was swift and head-bitey. Auto-crit a creature that takes you to 0HP.

Events:

--- Out of Charge

- In a massive nostril out in the meatlands, two giant meat mechs loom ominously over the party. There is one problem - they're out of power. The great umbilicals that connect the mechs to their mysterious power source are only found in Salivasburger.
- Luckily the spider-skulls that helped Amanta to control the Siege Mech know the solution - dragon cores. These meat mechs can be powered directly by the remains of a dragon. Funnily enough the team knows where to find one, since they did after all just kill a dragon.

--- Dragon Experts
- They leave the mechs in the care of the spider-skulls and schlep it to the city. There is a fair amount of disarray since there was a whole dragon explosion and everything. The Meat Mech hangar itself has had countless houses sucked towards it and crumbled in the dragon's death throes.
- Swan the Swift marches proudly in and declares himself a dragon expert! See his shield with a dragon on it? Proof!
- The befuddled meat men Swan and his "interns" in towards the dragon core itself. A big skinny meat mech with big oven gloves on its massive hands gingerly handles the core. It's being driven by Skinny Malinky and a couple of others. Swan declares that the core is dangerous and radioactive and likely to explode!
- Malinky falls for it hook, line and sinker. He disconnects his mech's umbilical and runs to the wall, grabbing a new one from the wall itself. Behind him, Eegor licks some of the glowing bovril leaking from the abandoned umbilical. He seems... fine?
- Malinky drops the dragon core as far from the wall as he can, and watches the "experts" drag it away in one of his mech's massive oven gloves.

--- Worm Hunters 

- By the time they reach the nostril, the core is a bit battered. About a tenth of it has broken off.  They install the tenth in the Assault Mech, powering it up for a cool hundred minutes, and put the rest in the centauroid Siege Mech which gets a whole nine hundred minutes of power!
- They ride off into the wastes, with Iskander clutching his medallion which is meant to summon snakes and hopefully worms.
- It works!... too well! A cathedral-height worm erupts from the meaty ground, grinding towards the suddenly dwarfed meat mechs! The chaos storm that swirls around it forces everyone to swap character sheets for a bit, dramatic!

- Lots of dramatic worm fighting occurs, as the party unleashes all sorts of bullshit on my poor worm and I struggle to work out how this is all going to go. The Assault Mech clambers up the side, getting hooked on the worm's barbs. The Siege Mech canters ahead of the worm, occasionally firing back at the worm from its chest cannon while Eegor lobs the plasma ball into the worm's gullet.

--- Unforeseen Worm Damage
- Since this worm is massive and hard to kill yet also easily kited, they decide to draw it towards Salivasburger and use it as the world's biggest distraction!

- They charge towards the city walls and leap over it in their meat mechs, and the mechs of the city leap into action! One is immediately eaten, ground into bones by the massive worm as it breaches the wall, while another does massive amounts of damage despite getting half its body ripped off.
- The party's mechs unload on the worm until it dies, writhing around the Meat Mech Hanger and chewing up loads of pre-destroyed houses.
- The party use their massive mechs to roll up the dead worm like a blanket and carry it off into the wastes. I fret about what will happen next!

Total: 5000 exp

Treasure:
- A whole Dragon Core (10000 exp)

Total: 10000 exp

Enemies Defeated:
- An enormous worm (1500 exp)
Total: 1500 ex

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 6 Barbarian: 33623 (Level up at 64000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +Barbarian Table! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 23427 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 23148 (Level up at 36000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 20406 (Level up at 28000)

- James G / Tyler Lockheart, Level 3 Specialist: 3300 (Level up at 6000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Level Up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Backstory!

Session 300 - Attack on Meatvangelion

Date: July 9th, 14 p.p.

Moon: Waxing Crescent

Zenith: Alaunus

New Characters:
- Tez the Barbarian - an extremely dilligent Elf Inspector with cold iron weapons and a lust for elf-slaying.
- Noobit the mighty Dwarf - a Doomsayer completely vindicated by the end of the world.

Events:

--- Planning a Heist
- A dim light hangs above a table in a dark and meaty room. On the table is a map. It shows the above-ground buildings of the Meat Mech Hangar complex, the place our team must infiltrate in order to steal a Meat Mech for the next stage of the heist. Standing in the darkness is Medium Baz, once and future bent copper and current heist planner.

- Why is he here? Well, he just so heard through the grapevine that a certain team of a certain number of adventurers was planning an assault on the Meat Mech Hangar, and it just so happens that his needs align with our heroes. His brother, Small Baz, is in the lockup on site and needs to be broken out.
- Also here, two new members of the team. Tez and Noobit, chosen for their particular sets of skills... and also because they happened to be on the street at the time.
- There are three possible points of entry. Thin tunnels used by the Skull-Spiders, a complex used to create the Meat Mechs inhabited by the Meat Magi, and a small facility used by the local Guards to keep order.

- They decide on their way in. They'll get arrested, taken to the Guards' lockup, steal some keys, and break Small Baz out. From there they'll use the keys to go down the grate and get into the Meat Mech Hangar itself. From there it should be easy to steal a Meat Mech... right?
- He also tells them what he knows of Meat Mechs. Three people need to get into a Meat Popsicle, this Meat Popsicle is inserted into the back of the neck of the Meat Mech, and the three people work in concert to control the Mech itself.

- They exit the room and come out into the pub outside. Turns out it's easy to start a brawl in a room full of mutants! Tez punches out a tough looking customer and his mates come to his aid... and soon the Guards arrive to take the belligerents away. So far so good...

--- The Heist Begins!
- The team is thrown into a dank jail that drips with greasy fat. Once the guards have left they look around, Noobit's eyes immediately adjusting to the dark. In other cells they can see a small man - presumably Small Baz - and a clown. Amanta uses a claw to unlock the cell door and... fails. It's a tough lock it turns out.
- Luckily, as previously planned, Celebus has a bottle of tequila secreted in his fundament. He uses this to bait over the guard, and will he gives the guy a shot Amanta reaches through for the keys. Success!

- They knock out the guard and unlock Small Baz's cell. He sounds similar to Medium Baz. They're about to leave, when they decide to see if the clown wants to cause a distraction. The clown agrees... and unsheathes some long knives before running out of the jail and into the police station. Screams come from within.
- Distraction in place, the team (including Small Baz) infiltrate the rear of the station. They hear yelling and dark laughter from front of house, but the rest is clear. They sneak through a bedroom, past a sleeping guard, and into the armoury where all their stuff is! They also see some literal arms up on the wall next to an enormous buzzsaw.
- Tez decides to take the Strong Arm and runs at the buzzsaw, chopping her right arm off in a meaty manner. He nearly dies, but eventually after several attempts Noobit manages to jam the new arm on in a way that works. Tez now wields the Strong Arm of the law!

--- The Dragon and the Meat Mech
- They've already got the keys, so they go for the grate that will let them down into the Meat Mech Hangar beneath the ground. It's a long ladder down.
- At the bottom is a huge room with a large glowing purple pool in the centre. They peer down and see a huge dragon, pulsing with purple light. Huge leeches suckle from its smoky flesh, and pipes run from below into its chest. It has a Mass rune on its forehead so Amanta and Celebus start trying to work out what kind of dragon it could be, to Noobit's general confusion.

- They leave it well alone and examine the exits. Two larger double doors flank a smaller door with an intricate opening mechanism. The middle one's no good, so they enter one of the larger doors and are confronted by a Meat Mech! A gantry crosses a deep vat of blood, the mech's big dopey face is asleep, and on the other side of the gantry an enormous chest cannon rises. Dimly beneath the blood, a broadly centaur-like four legged form can be seen.
- The Meat Popsicle can be seen across the room, ready to be loaded into the Meat Mech once it contains the full contingent of pilots.

--- Leeches!
- They walk back out into the dragon pool room and across to see what's in the other bay... and a massive leech leaps out of the water and latches onto Celebus! Noobit despatches it with ease.

- Celebus decides to eat something to heal... and is almost immediately attacked by more leeches. Maybe should have moved away from the leech pool before having a snack.

- Small Baz attempts to help, but slips and falls into the water where he is swarmed by massive leeches. Tez reaches out with his elf-testing cold iron rod... and sees Small Baz's skin ripple and his ears grow pointy as he touches it. Tez shakes off Small Baz's hand and lets him sink from sight. No mercy for Elves.
- The other leeches are swiftly killed, but the purple glow from the pool begins to pulse. Looks like those leeches were keeping the dragon pacified...

--- A Second Mech

- They hustle into the other hangar and see an incredibly meaty mech. Its head is practically buried under thick bulges of pure muscle.
- Out in the dragon room, Amanta sees a spider-skull crawling along towards the other Meat Mech. She blowdarts it and runs back to the first Meat Mech in time to see that two more spider-skulls have already taken up slots in the Meat Popsicle! The pulsing of the dragon pool grows. It's now or never!
- She runs over and jumps into the top slot of the popsicle. Her spider-skull companions are a red-haired skull with a fiery attitude, and a blue-haired skull with a passive demeanour. Amanta, of course, forms the head. Automatic strands of tendon pull the popsicle up into entry position, and it slams down through the back of the mech's neck! Amanta is now looking out through the eyes like a screen, and feeling the emotions of her fellow pilots.
- Not wanting to be left out, Tez, Noobit and Celebus run to the muscle mech's meat popsicle and jump in! Tez forms the torso, Noobit forms the legs, and Celebus forms the head! They slam into the back of the mech's neck too, and a loud alarm saying "EMERGENCY LAUNCH" blasts out!
- The emergency locks disengage, and the mechs shoot up out of the hangars and onto ground level above!

--- Dragon vs Mechs
- The ground before them erupts as the massive space-time dragon emerges from the ground!
- Umbilicals disconnect from the mechs, and little screens saying "05:00:00" pop up and immediately begin counting down the seconds. Not much time to kill a dragon!
- Amanta hears the voices of her spider-skull copilots scream out for orders, and unleashes the chest cannon! It hammers into the dragon's flank, and the rest of the team in the Assault Mech follow up with a haymaker to the dragons' jaw! The dragon counters by breathing out a stream of shattered space-time, piercing the Assault Mech and sending splinters of meat melting outwards.
- The Assault Mech recovers with a powerful knee attack by Noobit, forcing the dragon to fumble and leave itself open to attacks from both its enemies!
- Amanta triggers her centauroid Siege Mech's huge cannon and crits! It blows a massive chunk from the dragons' side, and it roars in distress! Tez follows up with a headlock, and Noobit hits up with the knee to crush its skull!
- The dragon's form dissolves into black smoke, sucking in towards a glowing purple centre. Amanta and Celebus know to run - a dragon's death throes can be worse than fighting it in the first place.
- The Assault Mech leaps astride the centauroid Siege Mech and they charge away, leaping across the meaty walls of Salivasburger in a single bound and escaping into the meatlands.

--- Safe... for now.
- The mechs make it as far as they can before the power runs out, one hiding in a cavernous anus and another in a nearby giant nostril. Next time it's time to bag a Chaos Worm... if they can work out how to get power to these Meat Mechs at least.

Total: 8000 exp

Treasure:
- Two functional Meat Mechs!

Exp Totals:

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 5 Necromancer: 19848 (Level up at 36000)
Level up! +1d4 HP! +Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 17106 (Level up at 28000)

- Alistair / Noobit, Level 2 Dwarf: 2000 (Level up at 2000)
Level up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +Backstory!

- Ailsa / Tez, Level 2 Barbarian: 2000 (Level up at 2000)
Level up! +1d8 HP! +Barbarian Powers! +Backstory!

Session 299 - A Hell of Pure Imagination

Date: July 9th, 14 p.p.
Moon: Waxing Crescent
Zenith: Alaunus

New Backstory

- Iskander had his first water-based battle and was washed away, thankfully he washed up in a big pile of treasure and now loves the waves! +1 Piloting

Events:

--- Hellworld

- After Iskander put a ring on a corpse's finger and opened a portal to hell, our heroes gaze into the screaming portal and wonder wtf they should do.

- Celebus ties a skeleton to a string and sends it in there. Most ominously the skeleton is somehow walking towards the party, but away. The landscape within is pitted and scarred with craters, ending at a cliff edge with a metal gazebo built onto and over it. 

- When Celebus pulls the skeleton back it's cold, but unharmed.

- Swan is first to walk through the portal and is similarly backwards-turned despite intending to move forward. In the background behind the portal is a vast crumbling yellow city. 

- Battleflies - twitching curling gossamer butterfly creatures - appear in the air and approach chattering. These are real somehow, not the papier mache constructs fought in the house they've just left.

- The rest of the party follow on, talking to the battleflies who will show them the master of this place.

--- The Dread Gazebo
- They backwards-forwards walk towards the gazebo on the cliff edge, warned in advance by the battleflies that the craters are full of slugs. Iskander offers Swan the Swift a swig of his chaos-resistance tequila and Swanny chugs the lot. Swannyyy!

- Inside the gazebo is a man whose skin is stretched across a metal machine and whose brain is being drilled into, sucked out, and recirculated. He's in pain... but it's worth it because this machine allows him to make his thoughts into reality! At least in this reality. This is indeed Bashir the painter who abandoned his home for this one, using his wife as a grim catalyst.
- He asks about whether the party has met the Bone Lord, and when asked what the Bone Lord looks like he conjures a giant skeleton from Celebus' skeleton. Bits of brain-stuff clearly evaporate as he does so.
- Swan requests a magic sword, using his sword as a vessel, and gains a legendary sword! It looks rad as hell.
- The party notice that the portal is clearly flickering as Bashir's brain evaporates from their requests. Time to go!
- They reverse-walk back to the portal, and in one last act Celebus reanimates the corpse of Bashir's wife and sends it into the portal to be with Bashir one last time. The portal flickers shut... but they hear Bashir's imagined version of his wife yelling at him shrilly.

--- I'm Seeing Double Here!
- They leave and the creepy skull spider guy marking their tests reveals that they passed it! They're clearly heroes! Or at the very least pretty well versed in weird shit. His name is Terrence Skull, and he leads them through the black market to meet the Bone Lord...

- Also the black market looks pretty awesome as they pass through. They'll come back for admin for sure.

- They are led through to a spooky cathedral filled with bones! It's like the Paris catacombs in there. And amongst the bones, sitting on a bone throne, is none other than Guido! Yes, fan favourite giant skeleton friend has returned as the Bone Lord! The exact opposite of the Meat Lord!

- Also here is... another giant skeleton? It's easy to ascertain his name of GORATH because he yells it at every opportunity! And finally, the Flayed King! Once protected by GORATH, now taken to the Meatlands to help fix his flayed condition. He still looks like his skin is kind of droopy and buttoned on, but it's better with Meatland Magic to help stick him back together.
- It was useful for GORATH to turn up, because it means that Guido in his guise as the Bone Lord can do seditious anti-Meat Lord activities in one area while having a perfect alibi in another area. After all, there wouldn't be two giant skeletons right? The Flayed King is more on the admin side.

- Guido reveals that he's feuding with the Meat Lord, who hoards clean meat for his most favoured subjects and lets everyone else mutate on random meaty morsels they find in the greater meatlands. It's not right! The Meat Lord must be stopped!

--- Heist Planning

- Going by the Bone Lord's plan, there are several places that can be struck by a small committed team in order to destabilise the Meat Lord and make an eventual assault on the Meat Lord's massive T-bone steak palace more likely to succeed.

- The plan currently seems to be a three part process. Infiltrate and steal a Meat Mech from the Meat Mech Hangar. Use the Meat Mech to catch a Chaos Worm out in the meatlands. Use the Chaos Worm to dig under the Bank (which is a huge pig) and do a heist from the inside, stealing the Meat Lord's clean meat stash and making the populace turn against him.

- Since this is a lot of DM prep, they decide to head out into the black market and see what they can get there.

--- Black Market

- The stalls of the black market are many, but several stick out. The soul seller - great for Necromancers. The seed bank, which piques Swan the Swift's interest. Clean Meat sellers, ever important and extortionate. And an Illmonger, who sells sicknesses. The party loads up on various bits and pieces, Swan the Swift especially getting some wheat seeds so he can begin his Meatlands-to-Wheatlands plan.

--- The Mad Scientist
- Finally they head over to the Mad Scientist who they briefly met last session, who has a variety of increasingly bizarre guns. They ask him to create a bag gun that can capture a Chaos Worm and, intrigued by the challenge, he gets to work!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:

- A vial of purified Azoth (100 exp)
- Various bits and bobs from the black market
Total: 100 exp

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 30323 (Level up at 32000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 20127 (Level up at 32000)

- Charles / Celebus Uppytus, Level 4 Necromancer: 17848 (Level up at 18000)

- Kitty / Amanta, Level 5 Mantis Specialist: 15106 (Level up at 28000)

Level up! +1d6 HP! +2 Skill Points! +Improved Saves! +Backstory!

Session 298 - Tested by the Bone Lord

Date: July 7th, 14 p.p.
Moon: Waning Crescent
Zenith: The Dead God

New Backstory:
- Astro Moon ensured that her anime enemies suffered... through her long and clearly reused transformation sequences. Once per session, threaten someone to make them tell you the truth.

Events:

--- Breakfast in Salivasburger
- Down a cobbled alley flowing with sweat, nestled between half-timbered Tudor style houses fixed up with chunks of flesh and pasted-on skin, our heroes wake up in the Steak and Ale inn that they paid good meat-money for and head down to breakfast.
- Iskander checks out the buffet with an expert eye and identifies the Beefy Haunch as a better and less mutagenic option than the Chubby Beak. He's also got a ring of sausages around his neck - clean meat! - so he's living large.
- And lo, Swanny is here! Walking down the street into Salivasburger! Iskander runs to meet him jubilantly, throwing his arms around his rival and sticking a "kick me" sign to his back. It transpires that in the night, a head on spiderlegs with skull facepaint tapped on the window and left a note saying to follow it in the morning because they "must be tested".

- An old lady sees Iskander's sausages and begs for one. Some guards see this and wander over. The talker is Medium Baz, different to Big Baz, Boss Baz, Big Boss Baz, Small Baz, and several other Bazzes who live in the town and work as guards. He won't take bribes, but he will of course take gifts for his family.
- They chat for a while, and Astro Moon spots the white skull on a nearby awning. They decide to follow, though on the way they briefly meet some mad scientist type who's going out of the city to test out his cool new arm-mounted gun.

--- By the Black Pudding Market
- They follow the white skull to an abandoned painters' studio. They also see the entrance to the black (pudding) market, with furtive people heading into a nearby door that leads down somewhere sinister.
- Iskander trades some sausages for a gold necklace a lady wanted to pawn off in the market below, so he's saved her a trip!
- The white skull-spider whispers that this was not a heroic act, and their current hero test grade is F. Iskander tries to argue the contrary to no avail.
- Swan tries to tell her that she can grow plants in poop, but she isn't buying it.

--- Into the Painter's House
- Astro Moon has now arrived, so the three go into the house where they will be tested. Inside it is smoky and barbeque-y. Unfinished paintings are in the hall.
- The paintings come alive! Luckily Swan was due to destroy someone with his bare hands and the paintings will do. The northern barbarian themed paintings go down fighting, Swan smashing two over a convenient banister while another shlurps into Astro Moon and damages her brain.
- There is a fizzing electric sound as the paintings are smashed, which soon shuts off. The white skull-spider observing tells them that they're currently rated D.

--- Dining Orb
- They head into the next area - a kitchen diner. Placemats with various names (including Bashir, the mysterious painter) are set around the place. An orb is suspended over the table, glass and gold. Iskander looks under the cloche in front of Bashir's seat and finds a smaller version of the same - it's some kind of electro landmine.
- Through some doors is a small lounge. There's a persian rug which Astro Moon immediately sits on in the hopes that it's a magic carpet. Alas, but probably worth a few sausages. Also in here is a silver engagement ring dedicated to "Mina".

--- Battleflies
- They go up the stairs and into the painters' studio. The smoke is thicker here, and colours weave in the mist. The colours resolve into big gauzy insects! The battleflies engage with claws and stingers!

- They are defeated with some effort.
- As they fall to the floor, puppet strings cut and papier-mache stingers destroyed, there is a roar! A huge skeleton with a big rusty sword emerges from a stairway and announces that HE IS GUIDO!
- It's another fake. Iskander rolls the electro landmine towards it and pulls the trigger on his control orb. False Guido the Bone Lord falls over in a raggedy heap.
- They check out the bathroom and find an arcane bath bomb that allows a spellcaster to recover their Mana with a good soak. Neat!

--- Welcome to Hell

- It's getting late, so they decide to rest in a cupboard. But what a cupboard! Inside there are two dessicated heads in the middle of some sort of ritual pentacle with wax candles and everything.
- Iskar puts the engagement ring on a corpse... and a portal opens above the pentacle! Within is a vision of HELL!!!

- Dun dun duuuuunnnnnnnnn!

Total: 7000 exp

Treasure:
- An unmagical carpet (50 exp)
- An engagement ring (100 exp)
- An arcane bath bomb
Total: 150 exp

Foes Defeated:

- Living Paintings (300 exp)
- Battleflies (500 exp)
- False Guido (250 exp)
Total: 1050 exp

OOC:
- Chronicler / Chef - Izzy
- Expedition Leader / Vanguard - George
- Paymaster / Quartermaster - Ollie

Exp Totals:

- George / Swan the Swift, Level 5 Barbarian: 26498 (Level up at 32000)

- Ollie / Iskander Fullbeard, Level 5 Fighter: 16302 (Level up at 32000)
DING! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +1 to crits and fumbles! +backstory!

- Izzy / Astro Moon, Level 4 Muscle Wizard: 12262 (Level up at 18000)